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Should You Ignore Dating Fatigue?

May 21, 2013 by 16 Comments

Name: WonderingKEYBOARDTEXT
Comment: I am a 49 female and recently divorced and did the online dating profile thing went out on a few dates and more or less concluded that dating does not appeal to me right now. I am balancing full time work and part time school so I do not have much free time and my long term goal is to relocate closer to an aging parent so I can be available to help and to enjoy quality time while I can. Is it normal to still be interested in men but not that excited about dating? I worry that the longer I put it off the more likely I will end up just giving up and I know from reading your column that you advise women in my age group to set the bar low. I am not delusional about myself, I am average looking and nerdy with a better than average job and I don’t think I am going to land some wealthy dude who travels the world and speaks several languages. Do I date just for the practice even though I have low motivation or is it wiser to wait until I am motivated? I am not even sure what my dating goals are, I went out with one man who told me five-seconds into meeting that he did not want to get married again and I responded ” um that is nice can I order my coffee first”.  I felt like mega rookie.  What do you think?
Age: 49
City: Memphis
State: TN

While I think it’s smart to take care of yourself in times of stress, I do think some harm can come from giving in to Dating Fatigue.

When everything was going on with my parents last summer/fall, I definitely lost interest in dating and sex. I felt like it was wrong for me to pursue anything romantic or sexual because of everything happening back home. Of course, the sadness and grief and all that stuff weighed on me, too. You find yourself feeling numb at times,  drained from all the emotion and worry and guilt and everything else that bubbles up to the surface in times like that.

It’s okay to cocoon yourself for a bit. I just wouldn’t do it for too long. Yes, you will probably end up getting so comfortable not dating that going back out there will be stressful. I ended up going on a date about right after my Step-mother passed away, a date I was going to cancel.I ended up meeting someone that I dated for several months. He sent me a text after the Boston Bombings to see how my family was, and we chatted about what he was up to. He had a new girlfriend, which I knew about because he had told me he had met someone who wanted what he wanted and he felt he had to pursue that. Which I understood. I walked away from that text exchange feeling a bit of regret, wondering if we had met at a different time, could I have given him what he wanted. The deaths of my Dad and step-mom were rough enough, but to learn that she had cut my sisters and I out of her will – something I know she knew would have crushed my father – really made me skeptical. You could love and adore someone your whole life, and they could still turn on you in the end. Even if you literally give your life for them. At the time, committing to someone seemed so pointless. Why? So you could just eventually betray me? No thanks. I’m slowly coming out of that place, but it’s a struggle.

Bu he’s happy, and I’m happy for him. I’m also grateful that I had him for the time that I did. He was a great source of comfort for me. And I think we need those people in our lives when we’re enduring heavy emotional stuff. Cutting ourselves off from that really just impedes our ability to be available. That’s why you shouldn’t engage in Dating Detoxes and Breaks and what not. It’s too easy to become completely closed off. There’s never going to be the perfect time. Ever. I know people – and I’ve done this myself – who say, “I’ll wait until I lose ten pounds/get a job/am totally over my ex to date.” That ideal point in time rarely ever comes. It’s just an excuse to not date and have to risk rejection. Date for the practice, date for the experience, date because it’s fun and a great way to meet new people. Just date. Don’t wait.

I went out with one man who told me five-seconds into meeting that he did not want to get married again and I responded ” um that is nice can I order my coffee first”.  I felt like mega rookie. 

Hah. He’s the rookie. Not you. He’s the one with issues. Not you. He had to unload all his junk on to you on your date. That’s a Bad Dater.

Also? Don’t try and decide what men will or won’t find attractive. There are so many guys out there who find nerdy girls beautiful and attractive. Truly. Don’t get in your head like that. Yes, it’s good to have appropriate expectations, but don’t completely cut yourself off at the knees like that. I’ve found that many women haven’t a clue what men actually find attractive or what they notice or don’t notice.

 

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How Old Is Too Old?

May 3, 2013 by 54 Comments

Name: KrisSchoolgirl
Comment: How old is too old?

I have a crush on a 45-year-old man.  I am 28.  We have spent time together in group settings a few times, are friends on social media and in real life and we always have fun and lighthearted conversation, make each other laugh and seemingly just plain enjoy each other’s company.  Can’t tell if there’s any flirting going on as I’ve been pretty laid-back and slow to make any flirtatious advances myself.  (I read your blog and do my best to take your advice about observing the situation before making any rash conclusions.)

I guess what I’m looking for is some advice about how to take the next step, or even if I should.  I’m not particularly concerned about the age difference, though it could very well be an issue for him.  It’s too soon to tell what he thinks though and I am happy taking things one day at a time.  First thing’s finding out if he’s interested in hanging out on a level that’s not just as friends.

Thanks in advance for your help!
Age: 28
City: Austin
State: Texas

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Filed Under: Dating, First Date Jitters, First Impressions, Flirting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What Do Men *Really* Find Attractive?

December 30, 2012 by 41 Comments

Most people don’t like my answer and it is bitter reality pill to swallow. Go look at Men’s magazines and tell me they prefer women is big women.
Things I was referring to my friends doing wrong; sleeping with men on first date, getting drunk on first date or initial meeting, saying they have a bf (to the guy!) but still making out/dating other men, being insecure, not having good fashion sense, unambitious. But the point is, the MEN continue to talk to them and hold most of the conversation. Why? Because they are interested in them and these flaws/faults mean nothing because sexual attraction trumps everything for a man. I have been the fat friend in more situations than I can count. Guys have come up to me, talked to me for 15 mins only to then ask me to introduce them to friend. And before you say “WELL JENN YOU MUST BE UGLY HAVE A BAD PERSONALITY” blah blah blah. I have a lot of features people spend money at the plastic surgeons office to acquire. But I am a size 14/16, have read many books on flirting, great fitting clothes, very feminine, and you know what? None of that matters to men. I don’t make the cut. At least I realize the truth and doing something about it instead of complaining or blaming men, lost 80 lbs and still losing. I will know when I lost enough because men will talk to me and not my friends for once.
-GI JANE

The reason why men continue to talk to them and date them is because men don’t care about those things PERIOD. Guys like girls who “get drunk” on dates because it shows she doesn’t have a stick up her ass. Guys like women who have sex on the first date because guys like sex. Fashion sense? No straight guy gives a shit. Unambitious? GUYS DON’T CARE unless the woman is leeching off of him. The reason why none of those things don’t work for you isn’t because you’re overweight. It’s because you probably come off unpleasant and difficult. And yes, you are jealous of these women because they can get away with these things and you can’t. My guess is these women just don’t measure up to your distorted standards. Really? Judging their fashion sense? Yeah, you’re not a catty bitch. PS? guys HATE that. Women like you like to use your weight as an excuse for why you can’t find a man. That way you can blame it on the shallowness of men and not take any responsibility for being unpleasant or uptight.- MOXIE

Wrong.I am not catty at all actually, have been the nice girl for way too long sitting on the sidelines watching others live and smiling waiting for “someone to talk to me” . But now I just accept the truth. And men like women who sleep on the first date? Really? As in relationship material? Your delusional. I haven’t tried these methods that my friends do because I am not that kind of girl, but I have TRIED and failed. Also most girls who get approached don’t need to try, they just stand there and men strike up the conversation. I volunteer, take care of a physically challenged aunt, work in a social service career. Degrees, none of that matters. I don’t care how you slice up my argument, looks will get you in the door and keep you there until you royally f*up. My issue is not jealousy it is that I don’t get a chance in the FIRST place. I am constantly overlooked. Men don’t really try hard with me, they ask for sex pretty early on, which contradicts your point that I must be stuck up, because that is not how men act around Paris Hilton types.- GI JANE

GI Jane speaks a truth that is too hard for some women to bear. The kindest, sweetest, most positive and sensual woman in the world will be overlooked if she is visually unappealing to men. Suggesting that her personality is unpleasant or uptight shows a fundamental lack of understanding about men and dating, and does GI Jane more harm than good.- Yolanda

 

I don’t disagree that looks matter. But if you’re reasonably or even marginally attractive, and you’re not completely insufferable, you can find a man. Maybe not the Don Draper/Rico Suave types many women pine for since they have women throwing themselves at them left and right. But you can find someone. I simply do not buy that a woman is automatically discounted if she isn’t “hot.” Sorry, but personality and demeanor absolutely factor into attraction. If you’re not terribly warm, inviting or interesting, then most men aren’t going to stick around to get to know you. Unless you’re completely unfortunate looking, if you’re nice and engaging and fun to be around and objectively attractive, you can find someone. You might not get the men that the “hotties” get, but boo hoo. 80% of us don’t get those men. If you’re whining about not getting those guys, then the problem is that you are attracted to shallow assholes or men way out of your league and ignore the men that you can more easily attract because you want The Big Fish. Trust me. Get over your need to reel that guy in and you’ll be a lot happier.

As for all the things Jane says her hot friends did “wrong” on their dates, I call jelly. Men don’t judge a woman for getting drunk on dates unless she starts throwing punches. They couldn’t give a rat’s ass about their fashion sense either. Nor do they care if the woman isn’t ambitious. In fact, that actually works for women unless the woman is looking for a meal ticket. Insecurity is fine until it spills over into neurotic self-absorption territory. And yes, secure and confident men don’t care if she sleeps with them on the first date because liking sex is a good thing. These women didn’t get away with these things because they were hot unless the only thing these men cared about were looks.  Women can get away with that behavior because the men actually enjoyed spending time with them. They weren’t caught up in one upping the guy or trying to impress him with their pseudo-intellect. They weren’t trying to act like men. Try it sometime. It’s fun.

Just by saying she’s “not that kind of girl” a woman tips her hand as to how judgmental and uptight she is. That’s a dead give away. I’ve worked literally hundreds of singles event in my career and I know your type. You show up and stand at the bar or pull yourself off to the side and expect men to approach you. You stand there with your chip on your shoulder and look around and cast aspersions on everybody else. Then you can’t fathom why nobody talks to you. Here’s why: because people can smell your insecurity and resentment at fifty yards. Nobody wants to approach someone who gives off a vibe like that.

Instead of bitching about all your female friends, why don’t you spend more time being enjoyable? I’m telling you right now that I have seen women bigger than you work a room and seduce men. So stop blaming your size or your looks or men and start trying to improve your attitude.

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, First Date Sex, First Impressions, Flirting, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why It’s Important To Know Your Dating Audience

July 20, 2012 by 85 Comments

Name: Michael
Question: I’m 48 and divorced for about 3 years. My question is simple, why is it that women in my age group and status (divorced w/ kids) are such head cases when it comes to dating and sex. One would think that having been divorced w/ kids they “know the drill,” but in fact they do not. And just so the record is clear, I do not meet women online, and am a nice looking, respectful guy with a good business, friends, interests, and hobbies. I also make it clear that we are not going out as friends but that we are on a date. When I meet a woman I want to take out I literally say “I would like to take you ON A DATE.” My intentions are clear. Yet they act shocked when we go out and I begin to (appropriately) flirt with them. In fact, the most balanced women I have met have been gals in their 20′s to early 30′s. You would think that they would be turned off by a guy in his 40′s w/ kids and who does not want more or to get re-married hitting on them. But they are not. So my question is simple – where do I find age and situation appropriate women who actually want to date – and by dating that includes intimacy, because without intimacy it is just a dumb guy being a woman’s entertainment committee.
Age: 48
State: NY

 

One would think that having been divorced w/ kids they “know the drill,”

Well, no, because they’ve been married and raising kids for the past 5-10 years or so. That means that when they left the dating scene, things were very different. They’re adjusting. They are still following the old rules. You know, where guys call to ask them out, etc. This is all culture shock for them.

It sounds like the bigger issue for you is that none of these women you go out with want to have any sort of intimacy with you. Reading this letter and many of your comments, I can see why. Dude, you’re scary. You’re very, very angry. I know you’ll say you’re not and that you’re totally different on a date. But people can pick up on underlying resentment and anger.If I were you, I’d start there. If you keep running into this situation, the problem is likely with you. I don’t know why that is so hard to hear for some people. You are part of the pattern. Ignoring that will not help you. You can live in delusion if you like. But you will end up alone. Of that I can assure you.

I don’t disagree that many women in your age bracket, with or without kids, aren’t what we’ll agree to call “difficult.” They are. In fact, when we host speeddating events for an age range that goes over 45, it’s difficult for me to staff it with my event managers. This is a tough age group, on both sides. It’s shocking to me to see and hear about some of the behavior of the people in this age range. Lots of people set in their ways, or who never dealt with their issues that were keeping them single. This group is far more prone to complaining and negativity, too. That works both ways. Men in this age range are also hard to handle. These are people who have been repeating the same bad behavior over and over and over again to the point where it has become ingrained in them.  I’m almost thinking of setting up a speeddating event where, for the first part of the event, everybody sits with me for ten minutes and I tell them what sort of first impression they make.

I’m totally starting to see why men gravitate towards younger women. I’ve said this before…when you do a search on any online dating for men 35-39 and men 42+, the difference in looks, attitude and attractiveness is vast. Whether men care about this or not, and they probably don’t, they should probably be aware that women in their late thirties to late forties are now starting to follow their lead. Especially those of us not looking to settle down any time soon. We don’t want the chubby, pasty, bitter 45 year old. Not only that, we don’t have to settle for it. We can date that 35, 37.,39 year old. That is, as long as we understand a very important caveat: it probably isn’t going to lead to long term commitment. But then, sometimes it does. Just not often. The harsh truth is that if we’ve gotten to this age and not been able to meet that goal of finding someone to settle down with, it’s not terribly likely we will any time soon. Time to take a good long look in the proverbial and literal mirror and accept certain realities. Mind you, I’m not saying that because being a certain age makes us less attractive. Nor am I referring to some dumb “expiration date.” I’m merely suggesting that what it is you thought you wanted might not  really be what you want after all. Because if you really did want it, you’d probably have it.

In fact, the most balanced women I have met have been gals in their 20′s to early 30′s. You would think that they would be turned off by a guy in his 40′s w/ kids and who does not want more or to get re-married hitting on them. But they are not.

Most of those women are turned off by a guy your age hitting on them. They’re indulging you for a free meal, gifts or attention.  What they say to your face and what they say behind your back are two different stories.They’re not the least bit invested in you. That’s why they don’t care. I do so love how men get such an ego boost from getting attention from younger women, oblivious to the fact that the attention isn’t substantive or real. But then, my guess is the socially/self-aware ones do get that. They just don’t care. But the others, like the OP, actually believe these women are drawn to their charm and personality. How cute. Sorry, brah. Those younger women don’t know enough to realize what you’re really all about, what your issues are, etc. It’s very easy to get some young simpleton to be impressed by you and your apartment and your job and by the places you take her and gifts you buy her. It’s a far bigger accomplishment to get someone to see you for exactly who you are and love you anyway.

I think the bigger problem for the OP and men/women like him is that they don’t know how to read women/men and don’t have an accurate perception of themselves.  You can read any comment string on this blog and hear women in their 40′s go on and on about how bitter/cheap/meek/deceptive/weak men are. Never once do they do they math and go, “Hmmm…why is it that I can never meet a man this meets my standards?” Here’s why..because the men you pursue don’t find you attractive. That’s it.Same goes for the whiny men. Sorry. You’re shooting out of your league. Time to fix that.

Repeat after me..know your audience.

If you keep meeting people or are hit on by people that are what you consider beneath you in some way, or keep meeting “crazies,” or are getting ignored by all those people you contact online, you need to re-evaluate.

You probably aren’t in the league you think you are. Either that or there is something drastically wrong with your approach.

I’m looking for fresh new questions for our dating advice column. All questions are anonymous. We cover all kinds of topics including: Online Dating– Facebook & Dating– Sex & Exclusivity– Traditional Dating “Rules”– The Fade. If you have any suggested topics, or want to submit a letter, please submit your questions here:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/submit-a-datingrelationship-question/

If you’ve got a confusing or frustrating dating dilemma, get honest and insightful feedback from singles all across the country!

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Flirting, flirting tips, Sex, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

The Key to Successful Flirting Is…

May 30, 2012 by 6 Comments

…creating sexual desire.

“But…I respect women!”

You can respect a woman and still want to have sex with her. You can choose to believe that it’s your respect for women that prevents you from getting laid if you like, though. I mean, it’s not. You’re not getting laid because women don’t want to have sex with you. It’s adorable that you want to prove to us how you want us more for our brains and hearts. But what we want is for you f— us and f— us well. So work on that and stop trying to woo us with your mad skills at being our pals. Also cease desperately trying to differentiate yourselves from the PUAs. You both want to get laid. So get off your high horse. If you sit there and say that that isn’t a primary goal, then you’re lying. Or you just don’t like sex. Any guy who says that sex isn’t a priority in a relationship is suspect in my book. They are the same men who use their total lack of interest in sex as a selling point.  It’s not. You’re either not very sexual, bad in bed or sexually confused.  Only very inexperienced women will buy that schtick, and they will eventually wake up when they hear about all the sex their friends are having. I’m more annoyed by the “I respect women!” types. It’s just as disingenuous as the stupid Game crap. You can still respect me while your head is buried between my legs. So get to it. You don’t have to go the way of the PUA’s and neg us. Just don’t be so afraid to offend us. It’s okay to be a little bit dirty.

Women act like they’re offended by sex talk, but they’re really not. We want you to want us. We want to reply back with some saucy response laced with subtle sexual innuendo. What we’re afraid of  is either disappointing you sexually or..

“But..I don’t want him to think I’m a slut!”

Sweetie, wanting to have sex does not make you a slut. Stop listening to your bitchy, asexual and perpetually single friends. Also tune out the men out there in whom you confide who warn you against letting loose too soon.  Those guys don’t get laid. Sorry, but it’s true. They are that guy that every woman befriends because he’s safe. She has no desire to have sex with him.

PS? Men like “sluts.” Men even respect “sluts.” Know why? Because they are doing what they want and not what they think people expect. This idea that man don’t respect “easy” women is a myth perpetuated by every woman who slept with a guy and then blew up his phone with texts asking why he hadn’t called her. Respect has nothing to do with it. As long as you show that you respect yourself in other ways, you’ll be just fine.

Now, what is it about men and women that make the opposite sex desire them? Let’s see:

Mystery - If you’re someone who excels in writing but struggles to communicate in person, you’re in luck. The less you say, the better. This is another reason to make your date and then not communicate until you meet. People always screw this up. They keep emailing and texting and eventually you learn more than you want and you’re turned off. There’s a line between being coy and being a bore, though. You have to develop some level of communication skills and social aptitude. If we smell insecurity, our attraction wanes.You need to hint at your naughtier side without giving it all away. Ladies, take that little straw in your drink and put it in your mouth for a few seconds. Don’t treat it like a tooth pick. Treat it like a penis. You know what I’m talking about. No need to hit anybody over the head with your longing to get horizontal. A hint here and there will do just fine.

Vulnerability - I’ve brought up this example before using my imaginary boyfriend Jeremy Renner. Any man who can make Jeffrey Dahmer seem sympathetic has skill.  His exterior is rough around the edges, therefore he poses somewhat of a challenge. What saves him is his ability to show his sensitive and raw side. He’s not afraid to look “weak.” It’s the outer, slightly dangerous side that draws you in. But it’s the accessible vulnerability that keeps you there. This is why so many women who believe they are “sassy” screw up. They end up coming off cold and bitchy. You have to offer softness with a side of teasing. Not the other way around.

What you shouldn’t do is make your whole interaction about sex. That’s when you appear desperate. And desperate isn’t sexy. Any guy that can’t get off (hah. see what I did there?) the sex topic reeks of desperation and social awkwardness. Guys with experience and skill know how to walk that line.

I can remember setting up a date with a guy last summer. I suggested a  bar located between both of our neighborhoods. He countered with an offer to come over my place with a bottle of wine. Nothing sounds more awkward than having someone in my home that I do not find attractive that is clearly hoping to get laid. And that’s what the “why don’t we just hang at my place” first dates are – blatant, tragic attempts at getting laid. That person doesn’t even want to try to create any sexual tension. They just want you to have sex with them. Desperado. Or sex addict. No thanks. Anybody who would put themselves into that position is hard-up.

Ladies, too,  need to save the “slutty” talk until after the clothes come off. I know you girls know what I’m talking about. The dirty talk. Once the mutual interest and participation has been established, then introduce it. Up to that point, you can hint, you can flirt…but don’t break out the big guns until naked. Once that occurs, you’re free to unleash your inner slut whenever you like.

That’s it. If someone you’re flirting with isn’t imagining what you’re going to be like in bed, then you might as well put yourself in the friend zone.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, First Date Sex, Flirting, Friend Zone, how to flirt. pua. the game, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Servicey!, Sex