Name: Michael
Question: I’m 48 and divorced for about 3 years. My question is simple, why is it that women in my age group and status (divorced w/ kids) are such head cases when it comes to dating and sex. One would think that having been divorced w/ kids they “know the drill,” but in fact they do not. And just so the record is clear, I do not meet women online, and am a nice looking, respectful guy with a good business, friends, interests, and hobbies. I also make it clear that we are not going out as friends but that we are on a date. When I meet a woman I want to take out I literally say “I would like to take you ON A DATE.” My intentions are clear. Yet they act shocked when we go out and I begin to (appropriately) flirt with them. In fact, the most balanced women I have met have been gals in their 20′s to early 30′s. You would think that they would be turned off by a guy in his 40′s w/ kids and who does not want more or to get re-married hitting on them. But they are not. So my question is simple – where do I find age and situation appropriate women who actually want to date – and by dating that includes intimacy, because without intimacy it is just a dumb guy being a woman’s entertainment committee.
Age: 48
State: NY

One would think that having been divorced w/ kids they “know the drill,”

Well, no, because they’ve been married and raising kids for the past 5-10 years or so. That means that when they left the dating scene, things were very different. They’re adjusting. They are still following the old rules. You know, where guys call to ask them out, etc. This is all culture shock for them.

It sounds like the bigger issue for you is that none of these women you go out with want to have any sort of intimacy with you. Reading this letter and many of your comments, I can see why. Dude, you’re scary. You’re very, very angry. I know you’ll say you’re not and that you’re totally different on a date. But people can pick up on underlying resentment and anger.If I were you, I’d start there. If you keep running into this situation, the problem is likely with you. I don’t know why that is so hard to hear for some people. You are part of the pattern. Ignoring that will not help you. You can live in delusion if you like. But you will end up alone. Of that I can assure you.

I don’t disagree that many women in your age bracket, with or without kids, aren’t what we’ll agree to call “difficult.” They are. In fact, when we host speeddating events for an age range that goes over 45, it’s difficult for me to staff it with my event managers. This is a tough age group, on both sides. It’s shocking to me to see and hear about some of the behavior of the people in this age range. Lots of people set in their ways, or who never dealt with their issues that were keeping them single. This group is far more prone to complaining and negativity, too. That works both ways. Men in this age range are also hard to handle. These are people who have been repeating the same bad behavior over and over and over again to the point where it has become ingrained in them.  I’m almost thinking of setting up a speeddating event where, for the first part of the event, everybody sits with me for ten minutes and I tell them what sort of first impression they make.

I’m totally starting to see why men gravitate towards younger women. I’ve said this before…when you do a search on any online dating for men 35-39 and men 42+, the difference in looks, attitude and attractiveness is vast. Whether men care about this or not, and they probably don’t, they should probably be aware that women in their late thirties to late forties are now starting to follow their lead. Especially those of us not looking to settle down any time soon. We don’t want the chubby, pasty, bitter 45 year old. Not only that, we don’t have to settle for it. We can date that 35, 37.,39 year old. That is, as long as we understand a very important caveat: it probably isn’t going to lead to long term commitment. But then, sometimes it does. Just not often. The harsh truth is that if we’ve gotten to this age and not been able to meet that goal of finding someone to settle down with, it’s not terribly likely we will any time soon. Time to take a good long look in the proverbial and literal mirror and accept certain realities. Mind you, I’m not saying that because being a certain age makes us less attractive. Nor am I referring to some dumb “expiration date.” I’m merely suggesting that what it is you thought you wanted might not  really be what you want after all. Because if you really did want it, you’d probably have it.

In fact, the most balanced women I have met have been gals in their 20′s to early 30′s. You would think that they would be turned off by a guy in his 40′s w/ kids and who does not want more or to get re-married hitting on them. But they are not.

Most of those women are turned off by a guy your age hitting on them. They’re indulging you for a free meal, gifts or attention.  What they say to your face and what they say behind your back are two different stories.They’re not the least bit invested in you. That’s why they don’t care. I do so love how men get such an ego boost from getting attention from younger women, oblivious to the fact that the attention isn’t substantive or real. But then, my guess is the socially/self-aware ones do get that. They just don’t care. But the others, like the OP, actually believe these women are drawn to their charm and personality. How cute. Sorry, brah. Those younger women don’t know enough to realize what you’re really all about, what your issues are, etc. It’s very easy to get some young simpleton to be impressed by you and your apartment and your job and by the places you take her and gifts you buy her. It’s a far bigger accomplishment to get someone to see you for exactly who you are and love you anyway.

I think the bigger problem for the OP and men/women like him is that they don’t know how to read women/men and don’t have an accurate perception of themselves.  You can read any comment string on this blog and hear women in their 40′s go on and on about how bitter/cheap/meek/deceptive/weak men are. Never once do they do they math and go, “Hmmm…why is it that I can never meet a man this meets my standards?” Here’s why..because the men you pursue don’t find you attractive. That’s it.Same goes for the whiny men. Sorry. You’re shooting out of your league. Time to fix that.

Repeat after me..know your audience.

If you keep meeting people or are hit on by people that are what you consider beneath you in some way, or keep meeting “crazies,” or are getting ignored by all those people you contact online, you need to re-evaluate.

You probably aren’t in the league you think you are. Either that or there is something drastically wrong with your approach.

I’m looking for fresh new questions for our dating advice column. All questions are anonymous. We cover all kinds of topics including: Online Dating– Facebook & Dating– Sex & Exclusivity– Traditional Dating “Rules”– The Fade. If you have any suggested topics, or want to submit a letter, please submit your questions here:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/submit-a-datingrelationship-question/

If you’ve got a confusing or frustrating dating dilemma, get honest and insightful feedback from singles all across the country!