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How Do You Know If a Guy Is Really Sincere?

February 15, 2013 by 18 Comments

Name: Marie
Age: 45
State: Florida
Question: ok, so I met this wonderful man. His eye contact and body language all showed me he was sincere in everything he talked about. He seems so caring, loving, giving, just the right guy for me all around. My question is he asked me if I would like to go out of town for a few days? We had one date and talked and texted a lot the past few days. Normally I would so no way…I do not even know this man… but I know some people will meet each other for the first time out of town and spend a weekend together. I feel comfortable but am I jumping too fast and possibly putting myself in harms way? I don’t feel like it, but family have told me he could be a bad person and I should not do it. I have dated many men and he is the first real genuine nice and good man I have met where I saw these traits right away… Any thoughts? Thank you !

 

For me, there are two issues here. The first is how blown away you are by this guy based his non-verbal cues. While I am a big believer in the importance of reading body language and paying attention to various cues, none of those things actually prove anything.  In fact, I think there are a lot of men and women out there who know exactly how to present themselves so that they seem more sincere and convincing. We all learn how to navigate situations in a way to get what we want. It’s not difficult to learn these things. Since you don’t know this guy really at all, you don’t have a baseline that can be used for comparison purposes.

Should you take him up on his offer to go away for a weekend? I really don’t know. Yesterday, in the comments of another thread, the issue of whether or not someone would accept a 2nd date on Valentine’s Day came up. A couple of people insisted that they would not do that. Much like the “I’ll only go down on  woman if she freshly showered and shaved” admission, I find such declarations to be a tell. As I said in response to a tweet yesterday asking who accepts a first date on Valentine’s Day, someone who would is someone who doesn’t over-analyze everything. People who swear up and down that they would “never” do certain things like that are actually revealing that they’ve probably never been presented with the opportunity to do so or have their own issues that would prevent them from being so daring. If you met someone you really liked and they asked you for a first or second date on Valentine’s Day, most people would go. Please. The people who say that it’s too much pressure, might set false expectations, etc are making excuses. If you really liked them, you’d go.

Same goes for this request of taking a trip with this guy. People are going to give you all kinds of reasons that you shouldn’t. Personally, I’m not sure that it’s the best of ideas. Traveling with someone – anyone – can be stressful. I’m not sure that you and this man have established the kind of rapport necessary for you to go into this relatively confident that you and he will not have any problems. As for the security concern, that’s valid too. I think it’s unlikely that he’ll chop your hands off and stick you in a freezer, but it’s still something you should consider. Just like people should consider meeting people from online dating sites in a public place for the first date. Caution is good. Just don’t let it rule you.

You say that this is the first guy that you’ve met who has shown you all these traits right away. That, for me, is the big red flag. What does it tell you that “all” the other men you’ve met have not acted this way? It tells me that either you have not so great judgment in men (as witnessed in this post) OR that this guy is being insincere. The fact that these experiences you have seem to fall on the extreme ends of the spectrum is what concerns me.   You seem rather hungry for a genuine connection. I think that might be clouding your judgment.

I think you might be so used to dealing with guys who are unavailable that you jump at the first guy who is available. Neither is really all that smart. I’d want to know why this guy was so eager and available. Look, I’m the bee’s knees. But even I would immediately be suspect of someone who seemed this interested, this quickly. I’d want to know why he was so available. That would be the reason why I would hold off on that trip for now. I think you need to get to know this guy a bit and get a baseline read on him before you make snap judgments.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating Over 40, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, First Impressions, Game, PUA, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

If He’s The Type To Think You’re Easy, He’s Not Worth It

December 22, 2012 by 13 Comments

Name: Heather
Age: 34
State: California
Question: This is more of a “request” for discussion than a dating question, as you already posted a dating question for me this week, so I feel a bit rude posting in here twice.

I like what you said to me on Twitter:  “If he’s the type to think you’re easy, he’s still going to end up being a douche.”

Notice the progression of events here:

1) Guy X thinks you’re easy (WHORE), therefore..
2) Guy X treats you like crap.

This makes me want to reverse the whole thing (can you tell by now that I’m a PhD student studying rhetoric?)

1) Guy X thinks that you only sleep with Special Boyfriends (VIRGIN), therefore…
2) Guy X treats you like a Goddess.

Notice that in both scenarios, Guy X has the option to judge the woman and change his behavior based on that judgment. The woman, of course, has no power whatsoever.

I’m sure that’s not what you intended, but it does raise a fascinating issue for what I’m dealing with right now in the dating world:

I have a high sex drive. Very, very high. I enact it not only by being “easy” but also by being very giving, enthusiastic, and active in the bedroom. I tend to be pretty horny most of the time.

Sometimes I like to try to “land” a boyfriend who (hopefully) also has a high sex drive, but more often than not I like to sleep around. As you know, OKC and POF make this stupidly easy for most women to accomplish. So I’ve had eight different casual sex partners since March. Always with no expectation of romance or a relationship, but occasionally the guys insist. Seriously I think some men need dinner and a movie to get in the mood :)

Anywhoo, I’m now to a point where I’m “sated” and ready to settle down with a boyfriend. I have a viable candidate in mind, and I’ve already told him that I haven’t had sex since February… because that was the last time I was in a committed long term relationship.

The thing of it is, I don’t like that I have to lie about this. I hate the Virgin/Whore dichotomy, and I hate that I’m buying into it by lying to this guy. But you said it yourself – a woman can’t be considered “easy” by a man.

I’ve never met a man who was willing to treat a woman with respect once he knew that she had been promiscuous in the past. And yet if a guy tells me that he had a bunch of casual sex a couple months ago, but now is looking for something committed, I would be happy to treat him with respect, and I would applaud his decision.

Is there any way out of this “judgment” trap that society set for us 4000 years ago? Or are we forced to play this game? I’m interested in your thoughts.

Thanks for your time,
Heather

Before my friend left to go home for the holidays, we cracked open a bottle of wine and had the “So, what has your OKC experience been like?” talk. We weren’t comparing numbers as much as we were comparing notes. He shared that, in the handful of months he’d been on that site, all of the women he went out with a second time had either had sex with him on the first date or on the second date. (I didn’t ask how many here were. That wasn’t the point of the exercise.) The ones who waited for the second date all did the “you’re not coming home with me tonight” thing that many women like to do. They wouldn’t sleep with him on the first date because first date sex, in their mind, was “bad.” They waited until the second date because, most likely, they rationalized that if a guy sticks around after one date with no sex then he must be truly interested.

What they don’t understand is that if a man is the type to consider a woman easy for enjoying her sexuality, one date isn’t going to matter. These guys want the woman to wait a long time so that they (the men) don’t have to fear that they are just one of many. That has nothing to do with gauging the woman’s virtue. That is all about massaging the man’s ego.

What women don’t understand is that men know what we’re thinking. They know we’re afraid of being considered “slutty.” Like anything else, they go along with our rationalizations and explanations knowing that we’ll eventually put out. These men understand that were merely trying to buy ourselves time so we don’t look “slutty.” As I pointed out to my friend, these women  – the ones who justify or qualify when they decide to have sex – usually go on to be far more trouble than they’re worth. Rather than own their own decisions and manage expectations, they project all of their insecurity onto the guy until things eventually implode.

I think that in the beginning of a relationship, both people need to keep their sexual history to themselves. Personally, I don’t find a man’s sexually history threatening. If my guy told me he had had a series of one night stands before we met, I wouldn’t care. I don’t want to know what he does after that point, of course. But hearing what happened before doesn’t faze me. I think a lot of this really depends on how the information is being shared. There’s something unseemly about a man or woman who brags about all the sex they have. It casts a rather sad light on the person doing the bragging. What’s funny is that if this information is shared publicly, like say on Twitter or a blog, the results are polar opposite depending on the braggarts gender.

A man can blog about all the sex he has and women will still want to be with him and try to date him seriously. Why? Because they like the idea of taming the beast and one upping the women who came before them. A woman, however, could not get away with it. She reeks of insecurity and sadness and ends up being passed around by various brahs who can’t be bothered to actually ask her out. Instead, she might get the last minute or late invite for drinks. She is considered a final option should no others arise. This is where things differ. A man can share his number and the woman will pretend to be intimidated or shocked, but she’s actually pleased that she’s found a man with so much experience. A woman could share her number and the man could be turned off. All of this hinges upon the security level of each person, of course. This is why I don’t advocate that these conversations be had. Ever.Frankly, I find the idea of counting or keeping track of lovers to be juvenile.

The only way out of this judgment trap is either to say nothing and never have this talk, lie or to only date men who have matured beyond the Madonna/Whore ideology. (Those men do exist, by the way. ) There is no logical explanation for why we even need to know about their sexual history beyond their last few test results. Numbers are inconsequential. We really aren’t entitled to know any of that. Whatever happened before you got with one partner should stay in the past out of respect for your partner. A story here or there isn’t an issue. More than that and you’re delving into “baggage” territory.

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Filed Under: Dating, First Date Sex, Game, Gender Roles, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Do Women Fall For The Mr. Darcy Types?

August 27, 2012 by 69 Comments

Name: Joan
Age: 20
State: NY
Question: I’ve been friends with this guy for a while, on a casual level. He’s 30 and I’m 20. I never thought about him romantically or sexually until recently, when he told me that he feels very drawn to me, and that he respects me as a person and feels really attracted to me. Then he went on to say that usually he’d try to have sex with someone he felt so attracted to, but that because we were friends he respected me too much to go there. I was taken aback, because this confession seemed to come out of nowhere, so I had very little response except to say that it’s better to keep things simple between us. Then a few weeks after this I was hanging out with him late at his place again, and he said it again, this time adding that he has nothing to offer me and would never want me to have to deal with his shit. There are a lot of reasons that pursuing something with him would be a challenge, age aside. But that being said, something about his admitting he’s attracted to me and his refusal to make a move out of respect has now made me think about him in a way I hadn’t really before. Am I crazy for falling for this Mr. Darcy stuff? Is there any way to pursue this without it feeling awkward?

Am I crazy for falling for this Mr. Darcy stuff?

I absolutely love that you used this phrase, as it is EXACTLY what I think of when I hear such twee comments from men. No you’re not crazy for falling for it. You’re just young. You’re young and you’re enthralled at the thought of this older and more “sophisticated” guy taking an interest in you.

when he told me that he feels very drawn to me, and that he respects me as a person and feels really attracted to me.

Oh dear. Do tell, Mr. Darcy. Drawn to you? He feels drawn to you? Well, here’s a question…why would a 30 year old man be drawn to a 20 year old? Honestly, does that make sense to you? Is this me being judgey or is that creepy in some way? Or at least out of place? Let’s say he is drawn to you. That alone strikes me as a warning sign. I believe that he’s drawn to your youth. Not uncommon, of course. But I believe, in cases like this, the attraction goes deeper than being about how nubile and pure you are. I tend to think there’s much more to it than that. Maybe he’s drawn to your level of emotional maturity because he’s immature? Or drawn to your inexperience because it doesn’t threaten his ego? I don’t know. What I do know is that if he’s reasonably attractive, he should be able to date women closer to his own age. He either can’t or chooses not to. Red Flag. [Except for you, of course. You're totally different. Not at all immature or insecure.] There will be people with stories of how they dated someone so much older and how profound and powerful that connection was. Breaking….it wasn’t. You just thought it was because you were a child and didn’t know better.

Then he went on to say that usually he’d try to have sex with someone he felt so attracted to, but that because we were friends he respected me too much to go there.

And that, my love, would be a lie. That would be something Mr. Darcy would say. It’s romantic and makes women feel..say it with me….special. Guys don’t talk like characters from romance novels. When they do, it’s strategic. They know that that is how many women think of men and that many females want their love lives to resemble a rom com. And, sadly, many of us do. If a guy wants to have sex with you,and you make yourself available to him,  he’ll try to have sex with you. The whole thing about not wanting to ruin the friendship is a lie, too.  This reminds me of a blog I read over the weekend. She posted a link to her site  on Nerve Confessions asking people for feedback. The guy acted all offended when he invited her to sleep over after their first date and she immediately said she would but there wouldn’t be any sex! [Just everything but. Holy Jesus Christ on a Palomino Pony. Just f*ck him already.] Here’s a classic example of the Grand Gesture Guy. Kissing in the rain. Carrying her up to bed in his arms. Romantic declarations. Fakity fake fake fake. Guys don’t talk like that!

Ladies, it’s an act. They’re pretending to be offended. They’re pretending to be concerned that we think they ‘just want sex.”  It’s all part of the dance. We do the “Oh, gee, I don’t know if that’s a good idea” thing while we’ve already run through the fantasy about getting nailed up against a wall by the end of the first cocktail. [PS? That only successfully happens in movies, too. Go ahead. Try to recreate that magic. See how it goes for you.] Either except his invite to go back to his place, lose the coy act and screw him with abandon or don’t. That’s it. None of this in-between crap anymore. You’re making it difficult for all of us.

But that being said, something about his admitting he’s attracted to me and his refusal to make a move out of respect has now made me think about him in a way I hadn’t really before.

Yep. That’s exactly what he wants you to think.  He wants you to see him differently, maybe even put him on a pedestal. He’s trying to make it a challenge. He wants you to chase him. It’s all an ego stroke for him.

The guy is full of it. He probably believes what he’s saying, though. That’s why it’s so hard for you to decide what to do.  If you want him, have him. Just understand that you’re probably not getting the romantic hero he’s presenting himself as. He’s a 30 year old dude trying to bang a 20 year old at best, or a 30 year old dude who’s wildly immature and insecure trying to date a 20 year old because women on his own level intimidate the crap out of him.

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Filed Under: casual sex, Critical Thinking, Dating, Friend Zone, Friends With Benefits, Game, Older Men/Younger Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

What Are The Signs of Sluttiness?

July 25, 2012 by 66 Comments

Ladies–if you don’t think a man can tell pretty reliably if you’re a slut or not then you’re fooling yourself.  Its a sixth sense to men with at least a moderate amount of experience, especially if they’ve been exposed to the red pill.  Women have a sixth sense when it comes detecting beta behavior or weakness in a man.  Men have a radar for detecting the sluts.  A slutdar. – Gannicus

 

Oooh. Is Slutdar like Gaydar?

This comment has me muy intrigued. I want to know the signs of sluttiness. I even created a whole new slutty post just to discuss this slutty topic.

For real. I want to know how a man “knows” a woman is a slut. I want to hear alllll about this Sixth Slutty Sense. How does a man tell if a woman is “well ridden?”

Is it that she talks a lot about sex? The funny thing is that I’ve always believed that is was the women who talked about sex the most that actually engaged in it and/or enjoyed it the least. So when I hear a woman yammer about her omigod so amazing sex life or about whatever dude she’s boning or her super power of not getting attached after sex, I tend to think she’s either lying or delusional or both.

Is it because she actually has sex with you? That seems a tad hypocritical, don’t you think. If you’re sleeping with a woman you think is a “slut” then doesn’t that make you a big fat flaming slut yourself?

Even if a woman doesn’t talk about her sex life, she can still be accused of “spreading her legs for any guy who takes her on one or two dates.”  That’s female talk, though. Shaming language borne of personal self-hatred and misery for doing that very thing and being pumped and dumped more times than they like to remember. Or an expression of their own loneliness, as no man wants to have sex with them. Women make such accusations. They need to believe that any woman who puts out before they would gets dumped. If a man does stick around, it’s because she’s a slut. Because, see, sluts aren’t supposed to find love or be happy. They’re supposed to be used and discarded. Like they were. They’ve been told their whole lives that men don’t want a slut. Nothing would shake their foundation more than to realize that that was a lie. That it wasn’t the sex that got them tossed. It was their personality, or their emotional instability, or their neediness. Or, and this is the real donkey punch to the ego, that those men had sex with them despite not finding them attractive. It would mean they’ve wasted years of viable dating experiences. These women convince themselves that, because they don’t get blown off after sex (but they do get blown off), that they’ve somehow spared themselves some form of ridicule. They’ve won. They’re alone and they’re miserable. But at least they can say they didn’t have sex with a man who never called them again. That would be the ultimate humiliation.

So tell me, kids. I want to hear all your slutty theories as to how you tell a woman is a “slut.” I want to here quantifiable ways someone can tell that a woman is a slut. None of this “we just know” bullshit, either. Because my guess is that this is a case of over-programming and too much exposure to the wrong people.

Share, kids. Share!

 

 

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Filed Under: casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating, First Date Sex, Game, Kinky, Oral Sex, Red Flags, Servicey!, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Is It Wrong for a Man To Challenge a Woman?

May 8, 2012 by 33 Comments

 

Interesting article over at The Frisky about “negging.”

His teeny little profile picture was cute. He was the right age range and city. But when I opened the online dating message from this random dude, this is what he said:

Isn’t feminism a little obsolete? Men and women are equal nowadays. In fact, the balance is tipped in your favor.

Of all the things for a man to comment upon in my profile, he chose to kinda-insulted me by calling my belief system “obsolete”? I rolled my eyes. I hit delete. Another one bites the dust.

I’d been “negged.”

 

I have a different take on this. I actually think the guy was trying to make conversation by challenging her about something she mentions in her profile. The definition of “negging”, according to the Urban Dictionary, is:

Low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.

Therefore, to me, this was not a case of negging. This was a case of a woman being askedabout something she included in her profile. The guy may have intentionally been trying to insult her. Or he was trying to engage her in a spirited back and forth. But I don’t think he was “negging” her. I think this has now become a go to explanation for why  a man might not immediately jump to effusive ass kissery when trying to woo a woman.

We see this all the time. We read statements in someone profile that pretty much BEG for a response. They are either blatantly inflammatory statements or they involve hot button issues like religion, sexuality or politics. My personal feeling is that people include these bytes because they want to be noticed or acknowledged for those particular thoughts or opinions.  What they don’t want to do is have to defend their stance. Which, to me, comes off as inauthentic.

If I mentioned in my profile that I believed in heaven, and someone emailed me and asked me (without being rude) why or suggested they didn’t believe the same, I’d reply. If it’s important enough for the person to include certain beliefs or ideologies in their profile, they should be prepared to defend them. Unless, of course, the person identifying themselves in a way that they know is provocative is doing so just to get attention. If they’re going to write anybody off who tries to debate their publicly stated opinions, then maybe they should take such points out of their profile. You won’t get as much attention, you say? Oh, alright. Someone can challenge a point and still respect whomever they are engaging. It isn’t always an attempt to be combative or insulting or degrading.

When looking through profiles, I tend to avoid the vocal self-identifiers. If a man said he was a Men’s Rights Activist, or that he didn’t want to hear from anybody that wasn’t Democrat or Republican, or brings up Occupy Wall Street, or talks about their spanking fetish, I’m clicking the back browser. I have no  desire to date a rabble rouser. They’re attention seekers. They want you to argue with them. They want you to ask them about their problems, fetishes and passions. They also want you to give them a reason to disqualify you because they don’t really want a relationship. They just think they do. They’re spinning their wheels on those sites trying to see how much attention they can get or so they can have all their negative opinions about women confirmed.

Now, of course, “negging” is a real technique. Like the author, I believe it’s a horrible way to try and get a woman’s attention and I think it works on a specific type of woman. I just don’t agree that this was an example of “negging.” I think the author brought something up in her profile with the intention of getting attention from it. She just didn’t get the attention she wanted. What if he had replied and mentioned spanking or something sexual?  How much should we bet that he’d still be labeled a wanker?

Look, there are many words that are immediate boner killers for men. “Feminist” is one of them. It’s not that they don’t respect a woman who identifies as a feminist. Nor does it mean they don’t believe in the fundamental principles that are the cornerstones of feminism. Where most men become super-cautious is when a woman announces – like in a dating profile – that she identifies as a feminist. To many men, dating such a woman will involve a series of ongoing arguments and ‘intellectual discussions.” They envision a frequent battle of wills. That’s unfortunate and inaccurate, of course. But that’s the typical internal reaction that a man has. A woman is better off showing how she’s a feminist than just stating she’s a feminist. It’s like when people talk about being into polyamorous relationships. They’ll probably have more luck simply stating that they’ve engaged in relationships where they had two partners that shared them rather than saying, “I’m a poly!” Show. Don’t tell. Showing makes certain things sound less intimidating, confusing or scary.

Personally, I think a lot of women like to identify as feminist because it’s a good defense. Use sex for attention? Oh, you’re a feminist, so that’s okay. Perpetually single? Oh, you’re a feminist, so that’s okay.

Let’s not get carried away and start assuming that any man who doesn’t automatically agree with us or who challenges us is somehow being disrespectful. This is one of those areas where I really feel like certain self-identifying feminists are being inconsistent. If you want to be respected and admired for your mind, then what is wrong with a man who tries to engage you in a debate?

Isn’t that what we want?

 

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Filed Under: Article Review 1, Article Roundup, Awkward, Bad Dates, Dating, Dating & Blogging, Dating & Communicating, Dating Skills, Game, Online Dating Tagged With: , , ,

The Player Sh*t Test: Does “Game” Really Work?

March 17, 2012 by 28 Comments

This morning I read a post over at Private Man’s blog.

The post offered advice to women on how to spot a player.

 

A man starts a conversation with a woman who is single….

The conversation continues and gets just a bit more personal. They find out what each person does for a living, how many kids they each have, where they each were born. The man then asks for the woman’s phone number or suggests that they go have a drink. The woman is secretly thrilled yet shows nothing. She should be thinking “This guy started the conversation, What if he’s a player? Maybe he’s one of these pick-up artists who just wants a sexual encounter and nothing more?”

To any woman who finds herself in this situation (and who doesn’t just want a sexual encounter), here’s what she must ask, verbatim:

“What if I told you I was seeing someone?”

A man of good character will back off. He might apologize. He might just say “too bad”. He might even compliment the hypothetical boyfriend as “lucky fellow.” Regardless, he’s respecting the woman’s current, if mythical, relationship. This guy is a keeper.

 

Here’s my first question. Am I the only one who would consider, upon hearing a line like “What if I told you I had a girlfriend/boyfriend?”, that the person was obviously testing me and would walk away?

I don’t know. For me, it’s that kind of stuff that makes me breathe a heavy sigh and go, “Next!”  There’s a fine line between being coy and smooth and being, well, dodgy. This, too me, feels dodgy.

Question two. If someone tells me they are “seeing someone” is that considered “being in a relationship?” Would it really be a sign that the woman or man is someone of ill repute if they tossed their hat in to that ring?

Finally, so what if he or she “just wanted a sexual encounter.” I mean, say no. Or say yes and maybe end up having a relationship. Are men really so terrified of being “used” in this way? I just don’t get it.

I look at Game like I look at The Rules. Or prayer. (Yes, I just said that.) They’re both used as a way for men and women to feel as though they are in control of a situation over which they actually have no control.

It’s like what we were saying last week about that article on how to get a boyfriend using online dating. Did all those things the woman did with her profile really help her find a guy? Or did she just happen to find a guy, and she thinks her approach therefore “worked?”

Does any of this stuff actually work? Or do we just think it does? And what are the metrics used to define “success?”

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Over 40, Dating Skills, Game, Latests Posts, Low Hanging Fruit, Manly Man, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , ,