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She’s Just Not That Into You, Bro

February 21, 2013 by 43 Comments

Name: Mark
Age: 31
State: CA
Question: Super Responsive but No Initiation Whatsoever

Hey there, love your column and would also love your advice on something.

I recently went out on a few dates with this girl who I met a few months ago.  We met at a bar in LA and she actually gave me her number without me asking.  We texted a bit back and forth and finally decided to meet up.  She lives in a suburb of LA so our commutes were a bit of a pain, but we managed over the course of the past 2 months to have 3 really nice dates, spaced out in 2 week intervals on Saturday nights.  Nice places, great times, and impromptu post-dinner visits to bars and even a random comedy show.

Now I’d like to think I’m a guy that “generally” gets when a girl is into me and when she’s not.  I’m not like a lot of the guys that write to you complaining about women and the plight of the dating world.  I had a great time with her and I do want to see her again.  And I forgot to mention, all 3 dates we ended out making out/necking/petting and sometimes dancing in public but never going back to each other’s places (the commute issue).  I also left each of those dates pretty happy about how things went.

If you’re of the belief that most people exhibit rational behavior when dating, to not only advance their own interests but make the other party know what they’re thinking/feeling without saying it, then this girl would be the exception.  She was super sweet, cool, classy, and respectful during the 3 dates, and is a relatively successful career woman and well educated.  Nothing in her behavior indicated anything to the contrary.   However, there’s been one problem: while she is very responsive to all of my contact, she has never once initiated anything.  No text, call, email, anything.  I feel like if I never reached out I’d never hear from her again.  Once I do reach out, boom, I plan a date and we’re all set.

After our 3rd date, a few issues came up with our schedules and we haven’t been able to set it up for something more.  Every time I’m free, she’s not, and vice versa.  But every time this is even decided, it’s me reaching out.  (I’m a text guy, not a call guy).  As I got more confused, I decided to wait several days without contacting her.  Still nothing.  Then I sent her a text, and she sends a flirty response within 2 minutes.  Bunch of flirting back and forth.  Then I say we should hang out this coming weekend. “I can’t next few weeks but definitely at some point.”

I’m just not used to behavior like this so I don’t know how to read it.  Not interested? Just very aloof? Has a bf so thinks she can ‘back pocket’ me? Leading me on, but getting what out of it? I definitely dont text her every day, sometimes going almost a week, and never more than a few back and forths, so it can’t just be for attention.

At this point I’m just kind of exhausted.  It’d be nice to go out again, but I don’t know if I can deal with this kind of contact style for the foreseeable future.  I also haven’t mentioned any of this to her because it’ll come off as needy.  I think it’s a little bit like your passive aggressive email article, but we’ve been on 3 dates and given the flirtiness and responsiveness I don’t see this as a “pissing contest”.  If it’s a ploy to get me more attracted it’s not working, it’s just confusing.  On the other hand if she’s not interested, she should just stop responding and let it run its natural course by fizzling it out.

 

I’m leaning towards thinking she’s not terribly interested. The commute, as you said, is somewhat of a pain and it’s not like you two can just pop by each other’s apartment’s or make last minute plans. You’re fun to hang out with when she has nothing better to do. As I’ve always said, if both parties want sex, they have it, distance or lack of condoms be damned.

If her schedule is so busy that she can’t make time for you for two weeks, that’s a pretty good indication of how she feels about you. That’s actually  polite way of telling you she’s moderately interested at best. That’s how a lot of people handle these types of situations. Will she hang out with you if she doesn’t get a better offer? Sure. She’s not repulsed by you. My guess is the distance isn’t ideal so she’s keeping you on her roster, as some people are wont to do. She’s not totally ready to dismiss you, as she might have a dating dry spell. But she’s not going to move mountains to get together with you. Her message is mixed and inconsistent. She’s busy…but she totally still wants to get together. You’re right. That’s exhausting to try and decipher let alone deal with on a regular basis.

I think a lot of women tend to believe that the man is supposed to initiate contact and be the one to make plans. That’s a test to see just how interested the man is. The funny thing is, a woman doesn’t even have to be all that interested in a man to make them pass this test. It’s all about the ego stroke. The making out and petting are just empty gestures, much like the post-sex for the first time text or paying a tab. They are things men and women do because they know it’s expected and will grease the wheels of progress, so to speak. If she wanted you, really desired you, she’d have jumped you by now or made it quite clear she wanted to have sex with you.

She’s just not that into you, brah.

 

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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating In a Big City, Geographically Undesirable, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Why Dating & Commuting Don’t Mix

January 14, 2013 by 24 Comments

Name: Phil
Age: 26
Question: Hello,

I’m an attractive mid-20 year old male from a large east coast city. Last summer, amidst the beginnings of the end of the recession, I took a promotion two steps above my previous position. However, in doing so, I had to move to the middle of nowhere for a year. To me, this didn’t seem like it would be too much of a problem to deal with this until July when I can relocate back to my major city (I’m a Federal Employee). I routinely drive 3.5 hours back to visit friends/old haunts and engage in activities and consider the effort completely worth it.

I currently put in a lot of time, effort, and money to keep up appearances and network, but I’m at a severe disadvantage when it comes to being “on top of my game” after going through what I go through to get places. (1 hour drive on back roads, followed by 2.5 hours of interstate driving, plus I work at 5 AM – 5 PM 4 days per week)

Due to that, and the fact that I live in the middle of nowhere, I really don’t have any other option for dating besides looking online. I would prefer to date someone back home where I will return this summer after completing my year here. This is for a number of reasons, but mainly because I get along much better with them than the people I am surrounded by currently in the boonies.

I have explained my situation in the profile I that I created. However, I get no responses from the people I message. I am figuring the reason for this is that they don’t want to deal with someone who is currently this far away. I find it frustrating that someone who is more than willing to make the effort to accomplish this and come to them, plus will be living back there in 5 months anyways, gets brushed aside because of the perceived distance factor.

What are your thoughts?

My thoughts are that you are at a severe disadvantage and therefore should not try to date until you are back home. Regardless of whether or not you are willing to make all of the effort, you come to the table with a high degree of difficulty. People want simple and easy. They want to be able to meet up for an impromptu drink or dinner or even late night booty call. They want that as an option. They don’t want to deal with someone who has to drive a couple hours to see them, especially when they’re surrounded by people who live but a stone’s throw away. Throw in weather and traffic and hectic work schedules and you’ll soon amass a number of canceled dates and plans re-arranged in order to accommodate someone’s travel schedule. It’s a hassle and nobody wants to deal with it, especially when they have plenty of other viable candidates so close by.

In general, I don’t know why anybody would want to put themselves through the agony of starting a relationship off this way. It would be one thing if you were dating someone and they got transferred and you wanted to try and make it work. But to begin a relationship at this kind of disadvantage? Nah. Not going to work. Sure, everybody has that story of their friend, colleague or college roommate who found love over state lines. That’s adorable. Those are the exceptions to the rule and not the rule. Between the financial wear and tear involved to the huge time and energy suck, eventually the relationship pays the price.

Unless you’re with someone on an ongoing basis, day in and day out, you have no idea how truly compatible you actually are. There’s this big void of unknown going on because you have no idea what your partner is doing in those times they’re not with you. That buffer provided by the distance will convince you that you and your hunny bunny are super-mega-compatible. Then you move to the same city and the magic and mystery is gone. True compatibility is determined after the mystique is no longer as prevalent.

Overall it’s an issue of convenience and desiring someone with a similar mentality.  You can cry foul and say that that’s an elitist and shallow decision based mostly on a desire to date “high earners” or some other such nonsense, but that’s just your way of trying to make yourself feel better for not being able to live in a city.

If you’re casting your bait into a city pond, those people are going to want to date city people. That’s it. Whine about it if you like, folks.People live in cities for a reason, and that reason is to be around people who think like they do

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating In a Big City, Geographically Undesirable, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Location, Location, Location

January 7, 2011 by 40 Comments

Name: Mike | | Location: Brooklyn , NY |Question: Just was told “thanks but no thanks” today from an online dating prospect because I live in Brooklyn and not in Manhattan (or even better, her neighborhood), and I’m suddenly wondering how bad would it be to put that I live in Manhattan instead of Brooklyn. I certainly could afford to live in Manhattan, and with a second income I could certainly afford to buy in Manhattan(I currently own in Brooklyn). I can’t come up with a single possible valid reason for why a woman should not date a man simply because he lives in Brooklyn. So I can’t come up with a single valid reason for why I should be hurting my options by letting myself be x’d out for such a stupid reason. A woman is not coming to your place till the 4th date at the earliest, and by then she knows she likes you, and by then she’ll no longer think living in Brooklyn is such a big deal. I’d love to hear the peanut gallery chime in on this.

What are some valid reasons why a Brooklyn man is not desirable to a Manhattan woman? Especially when income isn’t an unknown quality as it is displayed in the online dating profile, and the man makes the same amount of money as the woman. Do I really have to be like all these fools who move to Inwood or Harlem just so they can tell people they live in Manhattan and not in Brooklyn? My commute would be an additional 30 minutes if I did so. |Age: 32

Well, my personal experience with this exact situation is this:

Dating a man who lives in Brooklyn is a pain in the ass. Especially when the weather is as brutal as this one has been. The main benefit, for me, for dating someone who lives in Manhattan is because the commute is less arduous and more convenient and we have more time to spend with each other. A 45 minute commute to Brooklyn is made that much longer when you’re shuffling through the streets trying to avoid slush and umbrellas and trudging through these tiny walkways due to snow or construction. By the time I reach my destination, I’m cold and cranky.

If the commute isn’t an issue for you, then focus your search on women who don’t live in Manhattan. This is what gets me about people who complain about people who refuse to date outside of Manhattan. If you see nothing wrong with the time and effort involved with dating someone outside of Manhattan, then why aren’t you doing just that? Why do you insist on dating people in Manhattan? I realize that they comprise a large part of the market on these dating sites. I’m not suggesting you cut your options in half. But if it’s a consistent issue, then change the pond in which you’re fishing.

You’re trying to get me to validate your opinion that all people who refuse to date out of Manhattan are elitist snobs. Sorry. I’m not indulging that. Either move or widen your net. Sure, I’ll agree with you that someone who insists on dating someone in their neighborhood is being entitled and foolish. But that’s their homework to do. Not yours. Stop getting hung up on other people’s specifications.

For all you know, this woman used a bogus excuse to let you down easy. Don’t waste your time trying to figure out her motivation. Move on. Just because you can’t come up with a valid reason why some people choose to date someone more geographically desirable doesn’t mean their reasons are not valid. You don’t know them, you don’t know their lives, what the commute is like, what their schedules are. It’s not up to you to decide what’s valid and what isn’t. You’re absolutely right that if the connection is there, the distance probably won’t  matter. So hone your dating lasers on meeting people who actually want to get to know you and stop trying to make everyone else see your POV.

Plenty of women and men will make that commute. The ones who won’t are of no concern to you. Go out to Brooklyn based events and meet people that way. Meetup.com has a ton of groups that are just for Brooklyn singles and young professionals. You can change your profile to say you live in Manhattan, but I’d make it VERY clear in the body of your profile that you live in Brooklyn. I don’t have a problem with people wanting to get a leg up and get their profile seen by more people (within reason.)  Saying you live in Manhattan is no different than people who put their body type as Athletic or Average when that’s not the case. It’s just about improving your chances. With things being as competitive as they are, I totally get why someone would want to get their profile more exposure. But you need to keep your expectations in check.  In addition to searching for or trying to meet people in Manhattan, put yourself in situations – online and off – where you’re more likely to have success.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Geographically Undesirable, Online Dating