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How Women Talk Themselves Into Dating Mr. Wrong

January 25, 2012 by 30 Comments

Name: Shelly
State: PA
Age: http://44
Comment: I recently met this guy who is actually an old friend (never romantically) of a girlfriend of mine.  She has proceeded to tell me all about his past (she hasn’t seen him in 20 yrs) to try to persuade me to stay away from him.

A little insight as to the mindset of my girlfriend, she just recently had a guy dump her in the most unkind way, so she is totally jaded towards men. She typically talks down on anything good anyone else has going on in their life. Which I truly believe is fueling her attitude regarding me and this new prospect.

Being that I like to form my own opinion about people, I went out on a few dates with him.  I did tell him the things that she had warned me about, to which he replied ” that was 20 years ago” she doesn’t know anything about me now.

Anyway, we hit it off much better than I had expected, he’s not typically the “look” that I would date but I, as I get older, am trying to change my mindset regarding looks, etc.

I have a great time with him, he is funny as hell!  But I still have my girlfriend chirping in my ear.

My question is since he is not typically the type I date, can all the other things that he has going for him compensate?

Also he is 38 and I am 44.
I think it can but I don’t want to disillusion myself.

Thanks!

 

A little insight as to the mindset of my girlfriend, she just recently had a guy dump her in the most unkind way, so she is totally jaded towards men. She typically talks down on anything good anyone else has going on in their life. Which I truly believe is fueling her attitude regarding me and this new prospect.

Okey dokes. Here’s the first red flag for me. You felt the need to throw your friend under the bus in order to justify why you’re dating this man. If you have to do that, it’s not a good sign.

I did tell him the things that she had warned me about, to which he replied ” that was 20 years ago” she doesn’t know anything about me now.

You told her what she said because you feared she was telling the truth. I don’t know what this guy allegedly did or didn’t do. I don’t know anything about him because you’re not telling me what she told you. (Second red flag, by the way.) Granted, he’s right that she doesn’t know him and that 20 years have passed and whatever he did he was apparently 18 years old. Lord knows we all did stupid things at that age.But without knowing what he did I can’t say if you should proceed with caution or not.

Anyway, we hit it off much better than I had expected, he’s not typically the “look” that I would date but I, as I get older, am trying to change my mindset regarding looks, etc.

Third red flag. You’re justifying your decision to date him. You know that saying you’re trying to broaden your horizons is going to win you points.

I have a great time with him, he is funny as hell!  But I still have my girlfriend chirping in my ear.

Okay. Had you not said all the other stuff you said and were there not some isolated red flags, I’d tell you to be cautiously optimistic and enjoy. But there’s something about this situation that feels off. It’s almost like maybe what your friend told you was something pretty damaging, something that might even scare you a bit, and you don’t want to think of yourself as “that” desperate that you’d date someone who did such a thing. When you confront someone with news that a friend has told them something bad about them, the typical response of someone who has matured or changed isn’t “well it was 20 years ago.” He very well could have had more of an explanation. But I’d think if he had expressed remorse, you’d have included that in your letter.

My question is since he is not typically the type I date, can all the other things that he has going for him compensate?

And all those other things would be….what now? Because other than he’s “funny as hell” you haven’t shared why this guy is so great. Fourth red flag.

Also he is 38 and I am 44.
I think it can but I don’t want to disillusion myself.

Fifth red flag.  The fact that you fear disillusioning yourself tells me that you know that you are.

I don’t know you, I don’t know this guy and I don’t know your friend. All I have to go on is this letter. As such, I have to say that you seem to be sticking with this guy because he’s out of your league somehow. (He’s younger, he’s “funny” aka charming. ) Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with a woman your age dating  a guy his age. Most women our age (38-45) date 37-50. A lot of us, especially those of us who know they don’t want kids and aren’t in a rush for marriage, have some wiggle room. But there’s a tone of desperation in this letter that I don’t like. You are trying very hard to discredit your friend over a guy you barely know. That’s what bothers me. It’s one thing to say that your friends said XYZ. But you’re qualifying those statements by criticizing her. That’s what we do when we know we’re doing something we shouldn’t.

My suggestion is to keep your head in the game and pay attention and recognize when you’re justifying his behavior or the relationship. You shouldn’t have to do that if the relationship and the man in question has real potential. Frankly, I find this kind of dating, when you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, to be exhausting. Dating is supposed to be fun and this doesn’t sound fun. You sound anxious and unsure of yourself. Any time a man has that affect on a woman, she should walk away. That’s my general rule of thumb.

You can date this guy and have fun. But you know something is off.


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Girl on Girl Action

January 10, 2012 by 4 Comments

I’ve said before that most women tend to give each other horrid advice when it comes to dating and sex. The dynamic amongst women can be very complex depending on the personalities that make up the network. For example:

1. They like to assume a superior role in the friendship or social circle – Who doesn’t like to feel as though their friends consider them some kind of Dating Oracle? The benefit of this (for them, at least) is to present themselves as having more/better experience than they actually have. Women love giving advice. It makes us feel better about our own personal lives. It also affords us an opportunity to one up our female peers and get attention.

2. They’re self-centered – They can’t hear a story and not connect it to one of their personal experiences. They use the friend’s dilemma as an excuse to pontificate and self-obsess. Read any blog and check out the comments. You will find that at least half of the women leaving comments end up talking about their own lives or including a personal anecdote.  I was reading an article yesterday about why men aren’t more open about sexual experimentation. In the opening paragraph, the author speaks of her interest in going down on women and men equally. But then she tacks on a snarky “Yes, there are women who enjoy giving head.”  From that point on, everything else she said was suspect. Why? Because she had to separate herself out from other women. We’ve talked about this before. Any time a man or woman has to do that, there’s a reason, and it’s not  a good one.  If someone truly is “better” than the majority of their gender, then that doesn’t need to be explicitly stated. The audience should naturally come to that conclusion on their own. Equally annoying are women who go the “I just feel so bad for women who need a man to make them happy/are ruled by their biological clock/etc” route. No, you don’t. You’re just trying to put them down in order to elevate yourself.

3. They secretly want you to fail or resent you – Growing up with 4 older sisters, I learned quite a bit about girl on girl competitiveness.  They would say things publicly that never should have been said in that sort of forum. But then they’d say, “Love ya!”  It was The Passive Agressive Olympics.  There was genuine love and affection there. But it was definitely overshadowed by the competitive nature of the relationships.  I watch as girlfriends and sisters say snarky, persnickety comments to their friends and siblings on Facebook. “Don’t get that dress dirty!” Translation: You’re a slob. “Did you get that email I sent you?” Translation: You’re ignoring me.  The worst was seeing one woman post half naked pictures of herself that her sister’s boyfriend (who follows her on Facebook) could and probably does frequently ogle. These are examples of shaming and passive aggressive competitiveness and it is indicative of a contentious relationship between the women. And if they shame and compete with each other, especially publicly, they will not think twice of shaming or competing with the men that they date. Especially if the shaming gets them what they want. That alone should make their advice questionable.

What separates good advice from bad advice is the advice giver’s ability to be objective. Many women can’t be objective. Especially when it comes to men and dating. Definitely when it appears as though another woman might surpass them in an area where they have not had much success.

If you are going to go to a girlfriend or sister for advice, or if you’re just looking to make new female friends, keep these things in mind.

1. Do they have any long time girlfriends? If not, then that’s probably because she’s competitive or toxic in some way.

2.Can they listen without making the situation about them? If they can’t, or if they use any situation to revert the story back to them, then they can’t be objective.

3. Do they say inappropriate things in public? Listen, if they aren’t concerned about they look to strangers, they certainly aren’t going to care about how you look or feel.They lack boundaries, which means you are fair game and aren’t safe.

4. Do they judge you? I’ll say this about Samantha Jones. If there was one aspect to this character that I loved, it was her ability to put her friend’s happiness before her own and not judge them. When Carrie went to her and confessed that she was having an affair with Big, she looked at Samantha and asked her if she was judging her. Samantha smiled and said, “Not my style.” And when Carrie got engaged, despite being against marriage, Samantha helped pick out her engagement ring. We all need a Samantha. (And a Miranda, who will keep us grounded in reality. And a Charlotte who will allow us to believe in hope and kismet and all that fluffy stuff that keeps us going.  And a Carrie who…hmmm..I can’t come up with anything for Carrie.) In any case, we need that one friend who will listen without judgment but still be honest.

If they exhibit any of these tendencies, ignore them and find women who can give you honest and objective feedback and unconditional support.

 

It should be noted that I’m going to moderate anybody who exhibits this kind of behavior. Male or female. Those comments will not be posted.

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