On We Love Dates, we spend a lot of time trying to figure out what men really mean when they say things like, “I’ll call you.” Confused when they don’t call after three days, we rack our brains together attempting to decipher what, if any, the hidden meanings are behind everything that comes out of his mouth. But men aren’t the only ones who can be confusing, and while I’ll never be one hundred percent fluent in man-speak, I am quite well versed in woman speak. Let’s take the spotlight off of the boys and turn it on the ladies, because one of the biggest complaints I hear from guys is that sometimes women can be nearly impossible to understand, especially when it comes to one single phrase.

“I’m fine.”

This is one of the most frustrating things for a man to hear, because most likely when a woman says this, she is absolutely NOT fine. This phrase is usually coupled with a subtle (or not so subtle) attitude and maybe a shrug or hair flip, and the guy is left completely unsure of how to respond.

There are three reasons why a woman would say this. The first being that she wants the guy to dig deeper, to prove how much he cares by how persistent he is that she tell him what is bothering her right this second, because he simply cannot go on with his day if something is wrong with her. If we’re being honest, this is also a way to punish a guy and make him squirm and give her the drama she so desperately needs. This tends to backfire on women a lot, because it’s simply exhausting to have to beg for information…and sooner rather than later, he’ll get sick of it.

The second reason a woman uses this phrase is because she doesn’t want to talk about what is bothering her right now-maybe she needs some time to herself to think things over, or doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t expect, or even want him to try to figure it out. She isn’t on a mission hoping for drama, she simply needs time. This type of “I’m fine” is the hardest one for most men to deal with, because while they know something is wrong, there is nothing they can do about it, and they feel a bit helpless.

The third reason a woman says she’s fine is when she’s actually fine! Can you believe it? Yes, despite some women ruining the phrase for the rest of us, sometimes a woman can be “just fine.” No drama, no questions, no hidden meanings necessary.

 

Read more great posts and articles at We Love Dates.

Name: Pamela
City: Atlanta
State: GA
Age: 50
Website: http://thinkingwomansguide.com
Story: How To Have Sex Like A Man

In my book, I talk about my ability to have sex “like a man” and how this one…trait? skill?…actually made men trust me and like me more. In fact, I would go so far as to say my capacity to have sex with a man-like attitude shockingly made some men fall in love with me.

How weird is that? I know what you’re thinking: R-i-g-h-t, girlfriend.

But it happened.

So what does it mean to have sex “like a man”? Simply, it means not bonding with your sexual partner beyond the intimacy of being naked together and enjoying physical pleasure together. For a woman, this means not allowing that sneaky hormone oxytocin to cloud your judgment of the man you just had sex with, i.e. make him better than he really is. (Refresher point: Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, which is most abundant in women’s bodies during childbirth and sex.)

So the reason women want to bond when they have sex is because of the increased oxytocin pump. Men? Not so much. Although they have oxytocin, their levels are naturally much lower. The difference in the levels between men and women is like the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. Make a mental note of this because it’s why it takes most men so long to bond.

By the time I got to the sex “like a man” phase of my life, I understood that if I had a post-coital oxytocin rush, I pretty much ignored it. I definitely didn’t let it make a fool of me. I knew from experience that it would fade. It’s like smoking pot. You can be on a peace and love high for hours, but eventually you’ll come down and your life will be the same as it was before. So I learned not to put a ton of importance on how I felt about a man immediately after sex. What was more accurate and reliable was how I felt two days or a week later.

Okay. A little self-disclosure: I need to let you know that I am a woman who doesn’t have a huge amount of natural oxytocin. Although I do bond deeply, I don’t bond easily. I’m not a big hugger. In fact, I’m not touchy-feely at all. When my first child was born it bothered me that I didn’t have the immediate bonding sensations I had read about other new mothers experiencing. At first I was afraid that meant I would be a bad mother. Then I realized that motherhood, like marriage and friendships, could be done in many different ways. So I forgot about it and lived my life and became a good mother who raised happy kids despite my oxytocin disadvantage.

It wasn’t until I divorced and started dating again that the whole bonding issue resurfaced. I started having sex with virtual strangers – meaning three or four dates does not a relationship make. And of course there were the usual insecurities of dating after being married for years and also negotiating the sometimes confusing protocol for the social scene I now inhabited. Does he like my body? Does he like my sex? Am I too loud? Too aggressive? Not aggressive enough? You know the drill.

And I admit that sometimes, possibly due to those early insecurities, I wanted to bond with a new lover just so I could feel less alone in the world. After all, I was used to being a twosome. I wanted the affirmation and the comfort of bonding, even if I didn’t want the man.

So dating again tapped into my small but pent up oxytocin stores. It was like the oxytocin hose was clogged and being single again blew out the pipes, and there I was bonding all over the place like a love-crazed addict.

But I soon learned that this was a mistake. Big mistake, in fact, if I wanted to be successful with men. I soon learned that allowing yourself to bond too quickly makes guys uncomfortable and skittish, even if they really like you. This is especially true if they have already done the marriage thing. Most men – who, no matter what they tell you, are looking for stability and companionship – will run from a woman who wants to make that process go too fast. Why? Because if you’re in that much of a hurry to close the deal, they don’t trust you. They figure it can’t end well. They see women as always trying to catch a man. Catching is a game. So how do men win this game? They avoid getting caught.

So I quickly learned to play the game differently from most women. And for starters, I began having sex like a man.

After doing the deed for the first time with a guy, especially if I thought he was all that and a bag of chips, while he was cringingly expecting me to now act like the two of us were an item, I simply didn’t. I didn’t start texting sweet messages. I didn’t start making plans for us. I didn’t start calling him. I didn’t even let him think I expected another date – even if I did. And I kept it up until he cried uncle. In other words, I made the boy my bitch by switching it up on him, doing what he didn’t expect. Hey, we all know men love surprises. And get this: Because my behavior was so shockingly like his own, he admired me for it, my stock immediately went up, and he saw me as more desirable. End result? I win, bitches.

So how do you have sex like a man? You enjoy the sexual intimacy and the pleasure, but your heart is not up for grabs. If your insistent hormones are screaming at you to cave, you tell them to go to hell. You dismiss the oxytocin rush as a drug-based high that, like all drug-based highs, doesn’t necessarily reflect reality. Or serve you well in the beginning of a relationship.

Then you kick him out of bed and go about your important day. You’ve got better things to do than rev up all of your romantic fantasies around this guy. Trust me, he’ll love you for it. And guess what? You’ll love yourself.

Blogger Simone Grant first posted this yesterday. I asked  author Rachel Khona if I could repost this here and she gave me her permission. I also warned her that we can be a bit…blunt ’round these parts. She said she had no problem with us posting this.

“Are all guys assholes?” I’m sure many a woman would like to think so, but rather than leaving it to conjecture, writer Amber Madison decides to tackle that question head first scientific-style in her book of the same name. In it, she traverses this glorious country of ours interviewing men of all races, socio-economic backgrounds and ages searching for the answer to that much-asked question.

Her conclusion? No, of course not all guys are assholes, dickwads, or douchebags. Just as all women are not psycho. But like ourselves, they don’t always know what they want or if you’re the girl they want that something with, causing them to behave in all manners of bizarre, mysterious and weird as they try to figure it out. Or in my case they may severely lacking in self-esteem, mentally unstable, a pill-popping drug addict, or emotionally closed off because daddy dearest left the fam. The problem is not everyone is self-aware and we end up getting taken on someone else’s emotional roller coaster ride before we even know it. Feeling jaded and used, women end up chalking the guy’s behavior up to being an asshole.

After reading the book, I decided to download the accompanying iPhone app, the “A-hole tester” to see if the guy I was dating, (we’ll call him Adam), had any subconscious predilections for assholery. After taking the 18-question quiz, it deduced that he only had a 10% chance of being an asshole. He was in the clear; for awhile.

Unfortunately I soon realized that while he wasn’t quite an asshole, Adam wasn’t all there either. Social anxiety and a long-standing relationship with popping anti-depressants made him one beer short of a six-pack. This is not to say all people with mental disorders or who take anti-depressants are batty, but in many a case it does and this one was no exception. Especially if the said party is unwilling to deal with it.

As I tend to attract all manner of depressed, bipolar, emotionally unavailable, and panic-attack prone, I couldn’t help but wish for a sister app called “Is he mentally stable?” As someone who has grown up around people who do have mental instability issues, the red flags that would signal someone else to run in the other direction often went right over my head. A mental stability app would surely be a service to someone such as myself. I imagined it would go something like this:

1.      Are any of his friends closet alcoholics?

2.      Does he exhibit any sort of nervous mannerisms?

3.      Does he take anti-depressants?

4.      Is he scared of the phone?

5.      Is he capable of telling you the truth or does he have serious avoidance issues?

Perhaps such an app would have prevented me from even bothering with Adam?

Or maybe I should have just paid attention to the signs.

Exhibit A:

I had invited Adam to a birthday party. He eagerly agreed to come and then try to slowly back out of it.

It would be obvious to a blind chicken that he was full of shit. I knew full well that he was freaking out about coming to my friend’s birthday. Frankly, I thought it might have been too soon, but with our busy schedules it was the only night we could hang out that week. With his late hours, alternate weekends with his daughter, and my traveling, we had to make concessions in order to see each other.

Besides, I had suffered through meeting all of his very immature friends before we even had our first official date. We had met at a bar and coincidentally both happened to be going to Philadelphia the next day. For the entire weekend, I got to hear his best friends howling about Adam had been jerking off every waking second. Every time Adam tried to get close to me, his friends with hoot like a bunch of monkeys making fun of us for liking each other. So as far I was concerned, his ass could come to my friend’s very civilized and un-hooligan-like birthday party.

Now if I had been paying attention to the red flags, like the fact that he considers a raging alcoholic, who can’t stand his wife  a friend, I might have cut Adam out sooner.

But I didn’t. Like Pamela Anderson to a rocker, I kept going back to the kooks. Had he told me from the get go he didn’t want to go, I wouldn’t have cared especially as we had just started dating. But his inability to be straight with me was what was seriously pissing me off.

After these getting exasperated with the texting, I finally called Adam.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“The train isn’t working and there are no cabs,” he responded.

“Can’t you call a cab?” I asked.

“I don’t have the number for a cab and it’s raining so I probably won’t get one.”

It was as though I was dealing with a 10-year-old. It reminded me of the time I stole a Smurfette pin when I was six and I did everything in my power to convince my mother that I did not in fact steal the pin. She saw right through my cockamamie story. And I saw right through his.

“Maybe we should just hang out another night then.”

“No, no I’ll come!” Nothing like reverse psychology.

“Great.” I hung up the phone.

He did finally make it over. But if I had been smarter I would have nipped that in the bud a lot quicker. Turns out Adam had social anxiety, a real and serious disorder that causes people to become very uncomfortable in social situations. I tried to be understanding, but his anxiety quickly unraveled soon thereafter. He couldn’t deal with smallest of issues without turning into a blubbering nervous mess. And as much as I would have like to see myself as the June to a man’s Johnny or the Sharon to an Ozzy, the reality is most of the time that shit just doesn’t fly.

When it finally ended between us, I was bummed. I kept wondering what I had done wrong, in spite of the fact that he made it clear that he was missing a few marbles. Suspicious that he hadn’t really told me everything that was really going on, I did what anyone would do; I googled him. What I found shocked me:

[redacted]

The message was posted a year ago on a forum for people with borderline personality disorder. The proverbial icing on the cake? He’s a therapist. Now it all made sense.

I realized someone who is mentally unstable with no desire to change is not going to do so no matter how fabulous you are. Their issues are more likely due to their own esteem than anything you’ve done.

So is he an asshole? Is he just not that into you? Maybe he’s just not that into himself.

Name: Jimmy Jacob
Website: http://personalsfacts.com
Story: How To Win Over The On And Off Elusive Man

If you’re reading this article right now, then you most likely have had your heart broken by an elusive man who has toyed with your affections.  From the first date you knew this man was an enigma that you would never be able to figure out and although you saw red flags right from the start, you ignored his border-line superiority complex, his apparent commitment issues and his inability to factor you into his high priority list after the first kiss (or orgasm) clouded your judgment.

You want to know why I know this?  I was this guy and I’m not afraid to admit it.  I carelessly popped in and out of a woman’s life that I cared about all because I couldn’t get over my past, my ego and the fact that I wasn’t ready to settle down yet.

After five years of breaking her heart, I finally came to the realization that she was the one I am supposed to be with and maybe if we had avoided certain fights and pitfalls, then I probably would have realized that fact years ago.

If you’re looking to win over your pseudo quasi soul mate, then there are certain things you must do and must avoid doing in order to make this clueless guy see the error in his ways.

Rule #1:  Stop Comparing Him To Mr. Big!!!

I think a huge reason why women are attracted to elusive men is because they are addicted to the character of Mr. Big in Sex And The City and I’ll tell you right now, no man wants to be compared to any character from that show and doing so is a huge turn-off because if you have to relate your life to a television show, then you’re living too much in your head.

If you compare your man to Mr. Big, then you are comparing yourself to Carrie Bradshaw, who is in fact a chronically unsatisfied drama queen. (Yeah, I said it!)  The more Mr. Big made Carrie miserable with his inability to commit, the more she was ultimately convinced he was “The One.”

Trust me, I have met many women who tried to emulate the show and they even hooked up with “Aidans” just to feel like they can relate to the show.  This is all cute and dandy in your early twenties, but when you get older, you’ll find the more you compare to the show, the less likely your life will be like it.

So if your man’s name is Bob, refer to him as so.

Rule # 2: Take Him Off Your Social Networks Before He Can Get A Chance To

I know it’s especially difficult for certain women to take their exes off their Facebook and Twitter feeds, however it really is imperative to do this ASAP in order to save your mental health.   If you don’t, there will be something you don’t want to see. Whether it be tagged photos from a bar or a wall post from another woman, you will eventually snap.  Hell, years ago the girl I’m now committed to (who I just broke up with at the time) called me sobbing because I took her off my Top Friends list on My Space.  (This is going WAY back.)  This eventually led to me not only deleting her from my social media accounts but I also blocked her as well.  Social networks and exes do not mix, so in order to keep your future dignity intact, delete him (but don’t block him) from your accounts before he does.

Rule # 3:  Give Him Space!!

I know your heart is aching and even though it may sound tempting to send him a text saying, “I miss you” or to send him a long email telling him how you feel about him, you must refrain from doing these things.  Chances are if he broke things off because of his commitment issues then he needs his space.  By continuously sending him texts and emails about how you belong together, you not only ruin any chances of him responding, you also come off emotionally unstable. Also, because you don’t respect his wishes of being left alone, he will most likely avoid you for months to come—despite the fact that he cares for you.  Take him off your contact list on your phone.  You most likely have his number memorized but not seeing his name in your contact list will probably deter you from drunk texting him one night.  Also install Gmail Beer Googles on your gmail account to stop you from sending lengthy emails to your ex.  Trust me, you’ll thank me for this later.

Rule # 4:  Focus on Yourself!!

You know what elusive men like the most in women?  They like women who are independent and are goal-driven.  The number one turn-off for a man of this caliber is co-dependency and seeing a woman who is driven to succeed on her own terms is hella sexy.  Also, focusing on yourself is exactly what you should be doing anyway.  You have to pretend this guy is not in your every waking (and dreaming) thought.  Focus on your personal and career goals.  Keep yourself occupied and by doing so, not only will you avoid breaking rules 1 to 5, you will also be bettering yourself.

Rule # 5:  Start Dating!

If you have followed the rules above and if this guy is truly into you, trust me, he will be keeping tabs on you without you knowing it. Without having you placate to his male ego, you will in fact be on his mind more than you know.   He will be searching through your Twitter feed and he will tempted to even email you.  This is when you release your coup de grace move: Get back in the dating world!   By this point, you are ready to date and if you’re smart you will take things slow this time round.  Don’t commit yourself so soon because us emotionally challenged on and off exes can sense when you are in a relationship or when you are dating.

Rule # 6:  Give Him a Taste of His Own Medicine

By this point, your elusive man will probably make an appearance. Although seeing his name in your inbox may make you leap for joy, you can not let him see that.  When he calls you late at night, do not answer the phone.  You can do a lot more with silence than you can ever do by talking.  After he has sent you a number of texts, emails and voicemails, respond back with a short response.  Do not reveal any details of what is going on in your personal life.  If he has been keeping tabs on you, he will know.  By doing this, you will convince him that you have moved on.  His superiority complex won’t allow this and by this point, (if he truly loves you) he will be forced to make the grand gesture you’ve been waiting for.

Now if these steps do not work, then you must come to the conclusion that he is not the one for you.  However, if you have followed these rules then you can still move on because you did everything you could to make it work and better yet, you worked on yourself.  If he doesn’t see how great you are, then screw him. (Figuratively speaking of course.)

Don’t be afraid to call a spade a spade and don’t delude yourself into believing your relationship was as strong as your orgasms either.  However, if you’re able to restrain your emotional impulses then maybe you will be able to get your emotionally challenged man child to grow up into the mature man he should be.

If it worked for me, it can work for any man.
City: Toronto, Ontario
State:
Age: 28

Name: Marshmallow
State: NY
Website:
Story: I wrote to Moxie. She warned me. The readers warned me. I didn’t listen. I hope this serves as a warning to others.

A few years ago, I met a guy online who was in the US on a temporary visa. We met a few months before he had to back to his country so I held back from him emotionally. We only dated a weeks before one day he stopped returning me calls. It hurt and I tried a few times to figure out what happened but he never responded.

A few months after he went back he friend requested me on Facebook. I kept it light as I didn’t want to get hurt. Sloiwly he started to regain my trust. We spent hours together online.

One day there was this horrible batch of posts on his FB page from two women who said they were played by him and who warned others not to be fooled by his lies. He brushed it off, saying they were crazy and I of course didn’t want to believe it.

We continued to get closer. I kept wanting to go visit him but he kept saying the timing wasn’t good. One day he told me he loved me. I was over the moon as I loved him too. This September I finally went to see him and spent two weeks with him.

I had a magical time with him. He was so romantic and attentive. We both cried out eyes out on the airport (he also cried after sex a few times). I truly felt like he was the man for me. I missed him like crazy but felt we could find a way to be together.

So, about a week after my vacation I’m on Twitter and it suggests people to follow. Imagine my surpise when I saw a woman’s profile photo – it was of the two of them. She posted about 30 pictures all together of the two of them. From her Tweets I learned she flew in from her country and spent a week with him. She left the day I flew in.

She also has a public blog where she talks about him and how he is her “prince charming.” She writes about watching him cook, eat, sleep and iron on Skype.

I lost it and sent him a dozen emails asking what was going on. I was really hurt, angry and upset. I told him I was disgusted his dick was in her hours before he slept with me. He didn’t contact me for three days. When he did, he denied anything happened with her. He said she was there on business and he had to watch out for her. It wasn’t his fault she had feelings for him and he said he’s going to kick her ass for making it seem like they were together.

He also turned it around on me and said I should have trusted him and ignored what this girl wrote. He didn’t even acknowledge why I was upset – it was all about poor attacked him. He then blocked me on FB.

I’m ashamed to say that I also emailed her and let her know. I haven’t heard back from her and I doubt I will. I can only imagine what he is telling her about me because on her FB page (it’s open) she calls me an “annoying fan” of his and she “wants to kill me with her words.”

Of course I feel like the biggest idiot on earth for ignoring the red flags. I must say his response to me had me question my sanity. I mean … he CRIED at the airport when I was leaving. WTF!
City: