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Should You Ignore Dating Fatigue?

May 21, 2013 by 16 Comments

Name: WonderingKEYBOARDTEXT
Comment: I am a 49 female and recently divorced and did the online dating profile thing went out on a few dates and more or less concluded that dating does not appeal to me right now. I am balancing full time work and part time school so I do not have much free time and my long term goal is to relocate closer to an aging parent so I can be available to help and to enjoy quality time while I can. Is it normal to still be interested in men but not that excited about dating? I worry that the longer I put it off the more likely I will end up just giving up and I know from reading your column that you advise women in my age group to set the bar low. I am not delusional about myself, I am average looking and nerdy with a better than average job and I don’t think I am going to land some wealthy dude who travels the world and speaks several languages. Do I date just for the practice even though I have low motivation or is it wiser to wait until I am motivated? I am not even sure what my dating goals are, I went out with one man who told me five-seconds into meeting that he did not want to get married again and I responded ” um that is nice can I order my coffee first”.  I felt like mega rookie.  What do you think?
Age: 49
City: Memphis
State: TN

While I think it’s smart to take care of yourself in times of stress, I do think some harm can come from giving in to Dating Fatigue.

When everything was going on with my parents last summer/fall, I definitely lost interest in dating and sex. I felt like it was wrong for me to pursue anything romantic or sexual because of everything happening back home. Of course, the sadness and grief and all that stuff weighed on me, too. You find yourself feeling numb at times,  drained from all the emotion and worry and guilt and everything else that bubbles up to the surface in times like that.

It’s okay to cocoon yourself for a bit. I just wouldn’t do it for too long. Yes, you will probably end up getting so comfortable not dating that going back out there will be stressful. I ended up going on a date about right after my Step-mother passed away, a date I was going to cancel.I ended up meeting someone that I dated for several months. He sent me a text after the Boston Bombings to see how my family was, and we chatted about what he was up to. He had a new girlfriend, which I knew about because he had told me he had met someone who wanted what he wanted and he felt he had to pursue that. Which I understood. I walked away from that text exchange feeling a bit of regret, wondering if we had met at a different time, could I have given him what he wanted. The deaths of my Dad and step-mom were rough enough, but to learn that she had cut my sisters and I out of her will – something I know she knew would have crushed my father – really made me skeptical. You could love and adore someone your whole life, and they could still turn on you in the end. Even if you literally give your life for them. At the time, committing to someone seemed so pointless. Why? So you could just eventually betray me? No thanks. I’m slowly coming out of that place, but it’s a struggle.

Bu he’s happy, and I’m happy for him. I’m also grateful that I had him for the time that I did. He was a great source of comfort for me. And I think we need those people in our lives when we’re enduring heavy emotional stuff. Cutting ourselves off from that really just impedes our ability to be available. That’s why you shouldn’t engage in Dating Detoxes and Breaks and what not. It’s too easy to become completely closed off. There’s never going to be the perfect time. Ever. I know people – and I’ve done this myself – who say, “I’ll wait until I lose ten pounds/get a job/am totally over my ex to date.” That ideal point in time rarely ever comes. It’s just an excuse to not date and have to risk rejection. Date for the practice, date for the experience, date because it’s fun and a great way to meet new people. Just date. Don’t wait.

I went out with one man who told me five-seconds into meeting that he did not want to get married again and I responded ” um that is nice can I order my coffee first”.  I felt like mega rookie. 

Hah. He’s the rookie. Not you. He’s the one with issues. Not you. He had to unload all his junk on to you on your date. That’s a Bad Dater.

Also? Don’t try and decide what men will or won’t find attractive. There are so many guys out there who find nerdy girls beautiful and attractive. Truly. Don’t get in your head like that. Yes, it’s good to have appropriate expectations, but don’t completely cut yourself off at the knees like that. I’ve found that many women haven’t a clue what men actually find attractive or what they notice or don’t notice.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Fatigue, Flirting, Happy & Healthy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Stop Pretending You’re Not Competitive With Other Women

May 10, 2013 by 14 Comments

Name: Lucywomaneer-flirting
Comment: I’m generally slightly flirtatious and am so without even trying. However I know about boundaries and would never have designs on anyone else’s man or chase after anyone who is clearly taken. I find this slightly distressing as on previous occasions, I have been accused of stepping over the line but that would never enter my head as it goes against any idea I have of common decency. The fact that people have said this makes me slightly ashamed.

To give you more information, the type of flirting I might fall into is very low key. For example I might make some silly joke about something. But I have never tried to get physically close to another woman’s boyfriend, initiated contact, tried to get alone with him or anything like that. I do not try to become friends with men and I stick to an all female group. Sometimes I might not even be flirting at all and the man or woman involved will tell me that I am.

I would like to tone down my flirtatious nature because on previous occasions it has caused hurt to others. I now cut men off quickly so I don’t lead them on and I try not to flirt with men I am not interested in. But I want to feel free to be myself without it complicating how I get on with others.
Age: 23
City: Edinburgh
State: United Kingdom

 

Before we begin, I just want to call back your previous letter to me. People can read it here.

I’ll just throw this out there: the people I trust the least are the people who make public declarations of how honorable they are. A wise and mature person would know that they could never say, unequivocally,  that they wouldn’t do something. Impulses, emotions and circumstances all factor in to the decisions we make. When people insist that they would “never” do something, what they’re actually saying is, “I’m smarter/more restrained/more trustworthy than other people.” They’re bragging.

I got a whiff of competitiveness and jealousy in your first letter. Now the stench is undeniable. The underlying message in this letter is, “I can’t help it if men find me attractive. (blink blink) How do I fix that?”

What’s dangerous about people like you is that you actually believe what you’re saying. So here’s the first step for you recovery: stop lying to yourself about your altruistic intentions. They don’t exist. You like attention from men. Join the club. That aspect of your personality doesn’t pose the threat. What makes you suspect is that you also like the idea of pissing off other women.Nothing will get me to turn on my heels faster and walk away from a woman is hearing her talk about all the ways she’s committed to paving the way for other females. No, women like that are all about their own personal advancement. Show. Don’t tell.If you have to frequently remind other women how supportive you are, you’re not.

Equally questionable are women who go out of their way to piss off other women.  Niecy Nash was promoting her book on TV last night. In it, she advises women to always keep their man sexually satisfied. Ok. Fine. Agreed. But when she was asked about people who critiqued that particular piece of advice her response was, “Well..that’s why they don’t have a man.” Oooooh. Sick burn, Niecy. That sort of tripe is no different that the women and men who toss barbs my way about giving advice while being single, or who habitually have to trot out their relationship as proof that they’ve truly learned to love themselves or reached some magnificent level of awareness. Can we please stop that? That sort of talk is actually the opposite of empowered. All it does is reinforce the idea that what we achieved means nothing unless we have a man in our life to validate it.

While I think some level of competition is natural and maybe even healthy, I believe some people take that desire to be the victor a bit too far. If you don’t want other women to think you’re out to steal their boyfriends, then stop trying to steal their boyfriends. If you’d prefer that your female peers didn’t hate on you for being so confident, then stop trolling them.

OP, until you get past your need to compete with your female friends, this problem will exist. Going after or getting a guy just for bragging rights rarely ever ends well. Not only will you eventually repel any man that does give you a chance, but you will alienate all your friends and other women in the process. You don’t want to be that woman with no female friends. Men and women both will keep you at arm’s length.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, First Impressions, Girlfriends & Sabotage, Happy & Healthy, Hook Up Culture, How SATC Ruined Women, Humblebrag, jealousy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How To Tell If They’re a Dating Liability

January 12, 2013 by 21 Comments

Name: Denny Laine
Age: 44
State: New York City
Question: I recently started talking with an OKcupid woman who I’ve been e-mailing with for a  week. Things were going great and we finally made an appointment to meet. Before hanging up though she said “Just to let you know, I just got out of a 10 year relationship.” I didn’t know what to say but “OK.”   I didn’t know what to make of that.  What did that have anything to do with me? With us? Shouldn’t we start out fresh when meeting possible mates? Should I admire her for having a relationship last that long? Or should I question her for ending a relationship that lasted a long time? Do I give myself 10 years with her to see if we would make a different kind of couple?  When I meet someone, I like to think we’re starting out fresh. I would answer any question they may have from “how long was your longest relationship?” to “why do you think it failed?” I would answer absolutely anything and everything and be totally honest. I understand it’s not about me, that she’s just trying to get a picture of what WE would be like in the future.  But I wouldn’t saddle anyone with something like that when first meeting them. Was that supposed to be a warning to me, a total stranger looking to see her in good faith, starting out fresh? Any thoughts?
Age: 44
State: New York City

Wow. Okay. First, slow down. You haven’t even met this woman an already you’re thinking in terms of “we.” You are over-thinking this, which is almost certain to lead to you psyching yourself out.

She told you about her break-up for two reasons:

1. Because she’s probably a bit of a mess and didn’t know not to say that.

2. To warn you that she’s a bit of a mess and that you shouldn’t get your hopes up.

Her lack of self-awareness will inevitably cause problems down the road.

Personally, someone like this would present a degree of difficulty that does not interest me. I’d bail.

I would answer any question they may have from “how long was your longest relationship?” to “why do you think it failed?” I would answer absolutely anything and everything and be totally honest.

You’ve written several letters to me complaining that you can’t seem to find a girlfriend and that women think you’re “too nice.” This is why. You have to understand that when women ask you these kinds of questions there’s a reason and it’s not just curiosity. They want to find things out about you to eventually use against you in some way. Women ask men these questions in an attempt to exert power over them. They’re trying to establish just how far they can push him. If you answer these questions in any kind of detail, you risk looking weak. That is what “too nice” actually means.

I understand it’s not about me, that she’s just trying to get a picture of what WE would be like in the future.  But I wouldn’t saddle anyone with something like that when first meeting them.

That’s where you’re wrong. You do not factor into why she revealed this bit of information. You’re right. Nobody should ever saddle a prospective date with something that personal. It’s inappropriate. She lacks the social skills needed to know that. That’s what makes her a liability. A ten year relationship? Did they ever marry? Were they engaged? The potential bad judgment surrounding that scenario abounds. My guess is that she’s not looking for a relationship. She’s just looking to get back on the horse and have dates so she can feel more attractive. Same goes for men who offer such revelations. Except they’re also looking to get laid, since that’s what truly convinces a man that a woman finds him attractive.

This is why people should skip all the chit chat and decrease the amount of communicating they do before actually meeting someone in person. Inevitably someone says something stupid or inappropriate. You have to remember that everything you say is being put under a microscope. That’s why you should avoid discussing, among other things,  dating/relationship history. That topic is a minefield and gives people far too much ammunition. The whole subject should be avoided until the two people have established a level of trust and intimacy. Let them get a first hand sense of who you are in a relationship before you tell them about who you were in other relationships.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating The Crazy, Don't Date 'Em, First Impressions, Happy & Healthy, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Are You An Online Dating Debbie Downer?

December 11, 2012 by 38 Comments

Name: Matt
Age: 34
State: PA
Question: Hello, here’s my question, preceded by a bit of exposition. Back in 2011, after a particular failure dating-wise, several people suggested online dating. Having used match.com and lavalife in the past and not being especially enamored with their services, I was reticent. But people kept saying how good okcupid was, and it was free so I tried it. Nine months and zero dates later, I disabled my account.

Not wanting to succumb to cynicism, I tried joining eharmony; I got one of the infamous “REJECTED” messages.

In April, a facebook friend asked me out; I didn’t think I’d be interested, but I decided to try anyway. In July, she was pressuring me to go into a more romantic direction, and I wasn’t feeling it. Being in a relationship solely because of fear of loneliness isn’t my style, so I broke things off.

So, I reactivated my okc account. 3 months, no dates. I deleted my account.

Since then, I’ve checked some newer sites that connect through facebook, but no one’s really using those.

Basically, my faith in online dating is at a critically low level. Is there anyway to restore it?

 


 

Being in a relationship solely because of fear of loneliness isn’t my style, so I broke things off.

Or maybe you broke things off because, and I’m just spit balling here, you thrive off being some sort of real life Debbie Downer (DebbieDownerHorn2)when it comes to dating? Maybe you just prefer to continue on doing things exactly the way you’ve been doing because they result in failure, not in spite of it? Maybe you’re looking to blame anyone and everything else for why you have such trouble because you don’t want to fix the one and only thing over which you have any control?

I mean, come on. You’ve even set up your life in such a way to make dating that much more difficult by working the night shift. Granted, you probably don’t have much control over that and need to work. I understand. It’s like what DMN says: don’t do things that will make dating more difficult. Don’t get a dog. Don’t stop taking care of yourself. Don’t put a tattoo on your face. Subtract. Don’t add. If you work mostly at night, and you include that in your profile, that’s probably a leading cause to the lack of response you’re getting. Oh, something else killing your chances? If you mention your blog devoted to comic books. Yeah, that’s a lady boner killer, too. Dude, it sounds like you kind of thrive off of being undateable to some degree. The problem isn’t the medium you’re using. The problem is that you’re obviously not using the medium to your advantage or want to succeed.

Look at what you’re doing. You’re utilizing methods that have only proven failure to you. You “try” sites that don’t have a lot of people. You keep going back to OKC even though you don’t get any responses. You even left a relationship because you felt like you were settling or compromising or some other such nonsense.You are a prime example of someone who relies upon confirmation bias to shape and validate their perceptions about dating.

Dating is hard. Online dating especially. It takes effort and follow through and self-awareness and tolerance and a thick skin. Anything with such a frequent rejection rate does. But if you really want to make it work for you, you can. You just have to be willing to follow the guidelines, appropriate your expectations and accept your station.

You remind me of the women who email me asking to see photos of people registered for Speeddating events or who ask me if it’s worth their while. What they’re really requesting is that I convince them to attend. Which I don’t do because a) I don’t have to, as we sell out our female spots for every event and b) people like this are a nightmare to date. I employ all kinds of screening tactics and remove people from lists and groups if I feel they are bad daters.

Matt, it’s not my responsibility to convince you why or how online dating works. If you want to believe that it doesn’t work for you, then it never will. I happen to think online dating works. My success with it started when I appropriated my expectations, embraced my audience and stopped caring. I met a guy on OKC when I had the casual sex box checked and he asked me if I saw a future for us. Who knew? Instead of judging him or placing certain expectations on things, I just met him for a drink with an open mind. If you go into every dating endeavor thinking you have it all figured out or believing it won’t work, then expect to fail. This is why so many people struggle the way they do. They brace themselves for the #FAIL, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They have continued down the same path over and over again, choosing the wrong people or engaging in the same behavior and then are shocked – shocked I tell you! – when yet another relationship implodes or never materializes.

If you’re not having success meeting people online or off, then I’m not sure the problem is online dating. I’m thinking it’s you. Either there is something about you physically that is working against you, or you’re not projecting yourself the best way you can or your attitude is holding you back.

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Filed Under: Dating, Happy & Healthy, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating, Whine of The Week Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

To Catch a Douchebag

September 4, 2012 by 8 Comments

Another story submitted by the woman from this post.

I found the article above to be very enlightening.  This week end I encountered a guy I  had fling with 10 years ago when I was new and very confused new single Mom.  It was fun to see him and the chemistry was still there.  The chemistry fizzled when one of his friends happen to mention to my friends that he is currently married.  He wanted to continue the weekend romp but I said no.  I have boundaries about sex  with married men.

This guy is a real snake.  I left a party to take my friends to another location.  I planned to return to him to continue the conversation and then I learned about his status.  I asked him if he was married in a text…….he said….”yes…3x and 14 kids….I could not get  a straight answer….so I googled him and saw a woman’s name on his address listing……I asked about her and he claimed it was his niece…..I told him that he did not have a 45 year old niece and that he was totally busted.  I am certain that he is worried that I will notify his wife  but that is not happening since I have put this drama behind me.

Truth be told he had a very teeny willy and a self absorbed out look that made him bad relationship material.   NEXT!!!!!!!    and keep on going out with friends who vet your prospective dates and of course…..google like crazy!  Dodged a bullet!

 

Um..congrats that you met another loser? At what point are we allowed to wonder what makes you such a douchebag magnet?

Your sleuthing skills aren’t terribly impressive. You’re uncovering information that these men likely KNOW is out there. You don’t seem to be making one very important connection with all these situations. That would be that these men think so little of you that they don’t care what you find out. They don’t care enough about you to even lie. That’s how insignificant you are to these men.

Instead if connecting those dots, you’re cruising Google and “vetting’ these men, oblivious to the fact that they don’t care why you find out about them. You’re also clueless to the impression that you make simply by crowing about this and telling these stories over and over again. I can assure you that your friends all laugh and tell you how super smart you are, and then go home and get on the phone and discuss why they believe you’re such a mark for these men.

Here’s the truth. Sleazy, unsavory men like this almost exclusively work women they think are desperate, lonely or stupid. The upside is that those women are also usually unstable to some degree and end up making their lives uncomfortable or unpleasant.  You’ll rarely see some objectively really attractive and stable woman sitting in one of those seminars that teach women how to properly vet their dates. What you will see is a collective of frumpy and/or middle aged women with permanent frowns sitting in a room all thinking they’re so much smarter than the next poor sap sitting beside them. They think they’re empowering themselves by taking some class on how to find out where their dates went to school or how much they pay in rent. They’d be better off working with  good therapist in order to help them fix whatever it is about their self-esteem or perception of reality that leads them to be prey for these men. But no. That would be a waste of money. Women refuse to see the connection between their looks/age and the guy’s shady character. You Google and Facebook Friend men like this because you want to see the competition and you want to know why a guy like that wants a woman like you. You don’t trust that their interest is sincere BECAUSE IT USUALLY ISN’T.

You didn’t catch him. He doesn’t care. This guy is not scared you’ll tell his wife. Know why? SHE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT AN ASSHOLE HE IS. Seriously…do you really think that you, with all your scary Nancy Drew tactics, figured something out that a woman who MARRIED him doesn’t already know?

The real tragedy in all of this is the amount of time you appear to invest in Googling and engaging losers like this instead of meeting a decent man! You’re too busy reading articles and blogs and playing Sherlock Holmes to even meet a good guy.

You can say Next!!!! all you like. Wow. Congrats. You’re NOT going out with an obvious asshole. You think you’re setting yourself apart from other women, but really you’re merely making a lateral move. Here’s why: you still manage to indulge and attract these idiots. These guys LOVE to know that some random woman they met at a party sat at her computer and scoured Google in an attempt to learn more about him. Do you see? THEY LIKE IT.

Have women become so desperate for male attention and to prove to other women how desirable they are that they willingly put themselves in precarious and tedious situations like this?  Seriously, ladies, what are you hoping to prove and to whom? These stories that we hear all over the blogosphere aren’t just written out of pride for catching some douche in the act. They’re written to brag about catching their attention in the first place.

 

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Filed Under: Cheating, Dating, Douchey Guys, Happy & Healthy, Snooping, Stalker, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

She Will Be Loved

September 2, 2012 by 66 Comments

Name: Sara
Age: 39
State: CA
Question: Hi Moxie

I posted this about 2 weeks ago, and I’m not sure if you got it, so I’m sending it again.

I have been actively looking for a partner for two and a half years, and haven’t had a second date with anyone I felt good about.  I approach dating on the basis that it takes time to build rapport and attraction, so always accept second and third dates (within reason) but none have blossomed into a relationship so far.

My lifestyle is pretty adventurous – my business allows me to spend large chunks of the year in some great overseas locations, and I often spend 3-4 months in one location before moving on to another.  This has led to some amazing experiences, and I’ve met some fantastic people, but there haven’t been any romantic adventures so far.

Last year, I decided to stay in the US to find a relationship, and after 12 months of online dating, speed dating, going to relationship coaches, attending seminars, buying products related to attracting men, and approaching / fliritng with men in real life,  I haven’t met anyone with “relationship potential” I have now made peace with the fact that I won’t get what I’m looking for.

By relationship potential, I mean someone I can see myself spending a lot of time with.   Enjoying holidays with the family together, travelling together, having fun and supporting ourselves through life.  I believe in investing time to get to know the guy better, but if there’s no platonic attraction, I don’t see the point in taking things further.

Ideally, I’d love to meet someone who I can do all the above with, and whose work allows him to travel with me.  An entrepreneur, full-time blogger, freelance writer… an adventurous guy who ditched the 9 to 5 to be the master of his own destiny.  Deep down though, I know that a man like that in the 40-55 age group can easily attract a younger, more attractive woman.  In fact, I’ve met them while travelling, and they have their pick of very young exotic beauties.

I’m ready to resume my travels and focus on work again, but family and friends are pleading for me to stay and keep on trying.  When I explain that the options available to me are limited, and that my ideal man has the pick of younger and prettier women, they look upset and say things like “if you had more self-esteem/confidence, you would have attracted him by now”.

Logically I know that I can either lower my standards and force myself to make a relationship work with a man I won’t be happy with, or carry on with my previous nomadic life, be open to meeting new people, use the skills I’ve learned in the US, and let whatever happens to happen (even if that’s nothing).

The second option sounds more realistic.  What do you think?

 

Here’s what I think. We all know that the first part of my answer will be that you are the common denominator. Therefore, since you’re the only consistent factor in each experience or situation, the issue probably lies with you. That’s just plain common sense.

But let’s look at this from a different angle.

I was on Twitter yesterday and came across a tweet that ended up haunting me for the whole day. It said:

I’m the type of girl that falls in love with Justin Bieber because I’m not the type of girl that boys fall in love with.

That tweet brought me back to those nights when I’d climb into my Dad’s car after a school dance. He’d ask if I met any boys, I’d say no. He’d get quiet for a while and then say, “Don’t worry. Your time will come.”

Yesterday was the first time in probably forever that I ever so clearly recalled that. I ended up in tears off and on all day. I cried for two reasons:

First, obviously, because my father did just recently die and memories of him tend to do that to me, though not to this degree. Granted, I’m ovulating and therefore I have to remind myself that what ever I’m feeling is exaggerated. I try to imagine what it must be like for a parent in those moments. How powerless they must feel when all they want to do is make their child feel better.

Second, because I identified so closely with the young girl who wrote that tweet. Like her, I’m not the type of girl that boys fall in love with. Meaning I have never been and never will be that girl who always has men swooning over her.

I wanted to reply to her tweet and say what my Dad used to say. Don’t worry. Your time will come. But I’d add one thing.

It might not look like what you think it will look like.

A promise like “your time will come” is a loaded one. It implies that, simply by being, we will find someone to share the journey. I happen to believe that if someone truly wants that, then they will have that. That was something else my Dad always said. Take this excerpt from a letter he wrote me:

Now, to answer a question you ask me most of the time to which I always say it is up to you if you find someone. My real answer is that I hope so before my time is up. I would ask God of nothing more than to see you happily married.

I guess what I’m suggesting with all this is that it’s up to you if you ever find someone. I have to say that, from your letter, I hear far more passion from you when you talk about traveling and your job than I do when you speak of pursuing a relationship. Maybe the travel and the experiences is your time. You’ve found something to love. There’s no rule that says you have to pair off like an animal on Noah’s Ark. That’s an idea that gets planted in our head as we grow up. We mature believing that we’re supposed to want that. We don’t ever seem to consider the possibility that not everybody is destined to have a great romance or “soul mate.” We weren’t all born to be the type of girls that boys fall in love with.

That doesn’t mean we can’t have that, if that’s what we truly want. Like I said, I think we’re capable of having exactly what we want if that desire is a true intention and we’re willing to sacrifice and work for it. I guess it all comes down to how badly you need and want that. I happen to think that many relationships are borne from need. The need to fit in. The need for reassurance. The need for attention. That’s why most of those relationships have short shelf-lives.

I think your second option not only sounds more realistic, it sounds a hell of a lot more fulfilling and fun. You can find men to share your life for a time, should you want that. That’s not hard to do. You’ve tried all these ways to meet someone and nothing has worked. Maybe that’s because  you really didn’t want them to work out. Maybe it’s time for you to be honest with yourself about what you really want and why. Right now, you are bound by nothing. That’s actually a pretty ideal place to be at this point in your life. So take advantage of it.Think you have a fatal flaw keeping making you unapproachable or that sends a distress signal to men? Figure out what it is and fix it, if only because everybody should commit themselves to personal improvement and growth.

Live your life for you, not the expectations or hopes/fears of others. Just do it authentically and honestly.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Blogging & Dating, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Happy & Healthy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

The Dating Survival Skills You MUST Have

August 24, 2012 by 43 Comments

Name: PJ
Age: 59
State: NY
Question: Its Friday night I’m alone again, I thought once I had a bf that
we would do “couple things” like take in a movie, have dinner,
walk in the park.  When we first met he would go upstate to
visit his daughter.  I would ask why can’t you stay
Friday night and leave Sat morning. He wouldn’t do that.
Finally he did stop, I think he daughter got a bf of her own.

I moved in and we started doing a few “couple things”.
But then his school started, he is working on his PHD
in chemistry and is doing a lot of lab work.  He stays
there all night 3 nights a week and claims he sleeps in
the student lounge.

At first I was very depressed being left alone so much,
but little by little I began to develop friends and go to meet up
events.  I’ve gone to comedy clubs, writing groups,
shows, lectures, and many many movies. Often times I go by
myself,  its better than staring at the empty rooms.

I still don’t trust that he is just sleeping in the student
lounge.  I did find some emails on a dating site
where he met with some woman. When I confronted
him he said that he made a mistake that he felt neglected
by me since I had started my jewelry business.  He
claimed that he wouldn’t see her again.

A few months later  I saw a bunch of  sexy pictures he had
taken of her at midnight in her apartment. Red Flag…
He claims he is innocent that he could never be with
another woman that he has hit the “lotto” in dating me.
He is a master manipulator, and a smooth talker.
I do admire that he is  bright but that sometimes works
against me.  His overactive brain  hurls him into doing
harmful actions; such as  talk on the phone secretly in the
bathroom with the door closed, turning off the computer
when I walk into the room.

Why does he persist in telling me he loves me when he does all
this hurtful behavior.  I have to let this not get to me.
To put all my energies into writing again and into my
jewelry business. That gives me a sense of accomplishment
helps me to regain a little of the self confidence I have lost

an update I did finally move out, the secretive behavior
finally got to me, but I haven’t gotten him out of my system. I know this sounds like relationship drama but
now he says that he misses me and wants to get married..
we did have great sex, but that may be because we are
both so needy?

 

A few months later  I saw a bunch of  sexy pictures he had
taken of her at midnight in her apartment. Red Flag…

No. That’s a Fireable Offense. Not a Red Flag. That is evidence he’s cheating. Hard evidence.

I’m not sure what it is you’re asking in this letter. This feels more like an internal dialogue. You’re almost 60 and I’m guessing this guy is, at the youngest since he’s working on his PhD, close to 40 or in his 40′s. What are you hoping for here?

The guy is clearly cheating on you/using you. And you’re letting him. You have all kinds of proof that he’s dishonest. Yet now it sounds like you’re considering going back to him. My guess is he’s looking for someone to sponge off as he finishes school. So, if you’d like to be that person for him, go ahead.

I really don’t have too much to add to this. If anything, this letter makes me sad and and makes me wonder what the point of offering any advice, ever, really is. Almost 60, alone and clinging to some obvious bottom feeder.

Where did it all go wrong, do you think? Do you think she knows she’s not just settling but in full-on delusion mode? Or do you think this is how she’s rationalized every pseudo-relationship she’s ever had?

I read articles every day that make me scratch my head and wonder how someone can go on date after date, experience disappointment after disappointment, and learn absolutely nothing. They get tripped up on the most simple of things. Well, wait. At first, those things don’t appear simple. I can sympathize for someone who gets all tongue tied because someone asks them when they’re last relationship was or how long it was. But then I learned to realize that people who asks such inane questions are really just revealing their own limitations. I also learned to lie my face off, offer a vague answer that isn’t quite a lie or effectively change the subject.

I developed Dating Survival Skills.

I learned not to care so much.

I learned to say no.

I learned to own my choices.

I learned to accept the path that I was on and that, maybe, I wasn’t supposed to be with anyone at that particular moment, which gives a whole new meaning to the title of this column.

I learned to stop seeking validation.

I learned how to identify when I just wanted attention versus genuine affection.

I learned how to walk away and not need to “win.”

I learned how to own my shit and how I contributed to the outcome.

I learned how to decipher what men really meant when they said certain things and what those things said about them.

I learned how to filter.

I learned to accept that I may very well never settle down with anyone…and that’s okay.

I learned how dangerous loneliness can be if I let it rule me instead of just feeling it and believing that I was just lonely in that moment and that it wouldn’t last.

I guess I just wonder how people manage to get by when they don’t develop ANY of these skills. How do they recover from another frustration? Do they recover? Or do they just spiral down some dirty, dank rabbit hole until the hit the bottom?

Is that who you want to be? Is that what you want for yourself? Do you want to sit on the ground, your head spinning, looking around and wondering how you got there?

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Commitment, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Over 40, Happy & Healthy, How SATC Ruined Women, NEXT!, OKCupid Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Servicey! – How To Meet People Offline

August 14, 2012 by 33 Comments

I was reading this blog post this morning about Match.com’s newly rolled out Stir Events.

But I want to try something new. I’m so over online dating (for now), speed dating makes my skin crawl (sorry but it does) and most events are poorly produced and/or aimed at youngins.

Let’s talking about getting offline.

I mentioned recently that I changed the copy of our speeddating events to read:

Aren’t you tired of emailing back and forth with that person from Match.com or OKCupid only to end up being blown off or disappointed? Here’s a fun and easy way to cut to the chase, save time and have fun all at the same time.

Join other single professionals for an early evening happy hour, topped off with about 7-10 rounds* of “mini-dates.” You’ll meet each member of the opposite sex for 5-7 minutes each (depending on the size of the event), turn in your dating card and then we’ll send you the contact info of your mutual matches 48 hours later. On average, 80% of those who attend end up with at least one or two mutual matches.

Why only 7-10 rounds? The more choices in front of someone, the less likely they are to  choose and focus on one specific person. We like to avoid replicating the “shopping cart” mentality that occurs with online dating.

Once this copy kicked in, our speeddating registrations in both Boston and NYC doubled. That is not an exaggeration. I am convinced it has to do with the reference to the shopping cart mentality that online dating creates.

I’ve also mentioned that I am one of those people whose attractiveness is more noticeable in person rather than on paper. I doubt I’m alone in that. I think now, more than ever before,  people need to incorporate both online dating as well as offline events into their rotation if they hope to meet someone new or special. Online dating has become intensified. People are much more likely to say “Next!” now. People are also becoming very insulated to the point where they think of nobody but themselves.

So, because I’m so servicey, I wanted to offer some suggestions, guidelines and recommendations to make your offline dating as productive as your online dating.

1. Attend an event alone - I know. You don’t want to show up alone in case you, like, get forced to make 5 minutes of conversation with someone unsavory. Come on. Grow up. Polish off those Big Girl Shoes and brush up on small talk and learn how to work a smile. The reason why singles/social events tend to draw more women than men is because women always bring friends because they can’t be alone. Guys attend these events by themselves all the time.

2. Learn to read signals - If you’re making conversation with someone and they excuse themselves, let them go and leave them alone. They’re being gracious. Don’t follow them around and hound them. If they wanted to talk to you, they would.

3. Learn how to make a graceful exit - I’m not going to lie. Singles events do attract a percentage of people who are socially awkward. But you meet those types of people everywhere. As an adult, we all have to learn how to deal with people like this. If you have to resort to being rude, then you’re as stunted as that person trailing you around the bar.

4. Remember – You get what you pay for – If you want to meet quality people, then attend an event with an admission fee. Free events tend to attract a lot of the people you don’t want to meet. If you’re someone who doesn’t like spending $25-$35 on an event in a major city, then you need to hang out in the suburbs. Nothing irritates me more than when someone attends an event with no concept of what was actually spent to develop it. (Granted, most people don’t.) The bottom line is that if they meet someone, it was worth it.If they didn’t, it was “poorly produced’ or some other excuse. To be fair,sometimes that is true. Things happen. It’s happened to us. But usually, the person complaining came to the event with a rancid personality/attitude.

5. Respect the age ranges - Ok. Buckle up. This one has bite. Ladies, if you’re in the high end of a specified age range of an event, you’re wasting your time. You will be surrounded by women younger than you. Yeah, I know. You’re a young looking 40, 45, 50. Guess what? Those 30 year olds are young looking 30 year olds. Guys? If an age range is, say, 37-49 and you’re 57, then you’re too old for the event. You can attend, of course. But you, too, will be wasting your time, as the women who register are looking to meet men in that age range. You will be considered that ‘creepy’ guy. People pay for these things to meet potential dates.It’s our job to provide that. When someone ignores the rules, they not only make themselves look bad, but they negatively affect the experiences of others and that’s not fair.  I get emails all the time from people asking if they should register for an event even though they’re X amount of years outside of the age range. What they’re actually looking for is a private invitation. Just by asking, they know the event probably isn’t for them. They want the organizer to tell them that they’re welcome. You have to understand that hosting an event for the over 50 crowd can be difficult in that it’s very, very hard to get men to attend. Especially when you have disgruntled 40something women running to the internet complaining about the dearth of “decent” single men. Also not helping, like with the case of Match’s Stir Events, is having a bunch of women who do nothing but gripe about dating and who never seem to meet anybody up to snuff promote your parties. The Evangelists are an important and telling part of a marketing plan. Just FYI.

Now, as for where to go:

*Both OKCupid and Match.com have launched a series of offline events. Great. My guess is that both of these sites are using the event channel to generate new subscribers/profiles. The events themselves aren’t going to generate much revenue. But the subscriber fees that come from outside members that want to attend will, which is what I believe the true goal is. (I think both Match and OKCupid allow for people to register for themselves and friends without requiring that the friend create a profile.) Supporting that theory is that I logged into my Match account, clicked the Events tab and was told that I had to be a subscriber to attend an event. I clicked the link that said “subscribe now” and was directed to a page that listed the various paid membership tiers. Apparently, you have to pay to see a list of upcoming events as well. No, that’s not a “small fee” that people will have to pay. That’s a big fee of anywhere from $40-$100 something dollars.  I tend to think that the “interest based” events will be few and far between and they’ll focus more on the free happy hours, as that might get them more bang for their buck. If you’re a paid member of Match you’ll see that, for NYC, all they have posted are two free happy hours. Like I said above, keep your expectations low for anything that is free to attend. But you should attend.Try to get in on one of their smaller, special interest events if you can. They appear to fill up in an oddly quick fashion.

*Niche events - Cooking classes, snow boarding classes, etc are all a great way to meet new people while learning something new. The fewer the people participating, the less likely you have that shopping cart mentality working against you.

*Speeddating – I’m not just saying that because that’s part of my business model. When I deal with an online dating client who appears awkward or shy or struggles to make conversation, I suggest speeddating. Speeddating provides you with multiple opportunities to talk to strangers. That is a key social skill. If speeddating “makes your skin crawl” well then guess what? You’re a social fail, too.

*Meetup.com - I would suggest the groups that focus on hosting small gatherings or special interests. Not the ones that have the free to get in blow outs at clubs and trendy lounges. They’re nice every once and a while, but they are meat markets and usually draw the non-city people. The reality is that if someone lives in a big city, they expect to pay for something and don’t complain about it. The people who regularly to exclusively attend the free events are usually the people who live outside the city or who don’t like to pay for anything. Yeesh all around.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Douchey Guys, Drama Queens, Happy & Healthy, Managing Expectations, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Things You Should Never Admit In a Dating Profile..Or Maybe Ever

August 2, 2012 by 69 Comments

When it comes to dating, there are certain confessions that people really should to themselves.

I can remember reading a man’s profile once and came across something that gave me pause. He answered the question “Are you an honorable person” by saying that he wasn’t an honorable person int he past but was “working on it.”

Oooooh. Dish, girlfriend. Intrigued by his “refreshing honesty” I emailed him and asked him what he meant by that statement. Of course he answered because, well, why else would he admit that in his dating profile? He said that he had cheated on pretty much every woman he’s ever dated. But he was committed to changing.

Oh. Well then.

When people make shocking admissions like this, be it in a profile or in conversation, it’s usually strategic. Sometimes they’re conscious and aware of what they are doing. Other times…not so much.

Here are some things you should reveal with caution. Or maybe not at all.

1. That one time, in band camp? - Yeah, leave those wild nights when you were in college or that time you pulled a train in the past. Sadly, thanks to advancements in technology, some young people’s bad decisions can haunt them all over the internet. The co-ed porn niche is extremely popular. Personally, it skeeves me out, because you just know those kids aren’t thinking clearly or are trusting the wrong people. Your experiences as you explored and expressed your sexuality are yours. Those choices might have made perfect sense to you and you might feel totally comfortable with them, but people will judge you.   There are, of course, people out there who are not intimidated by such stories. At the very least, practice good judgment. You know what will make you sound shady or might imply that you have poor judgment. That’s the stuff you keep to yourself. You’re not obligated to share glimpses of your sexual history with your new partner. Nor do you owe anyone an explanation for your choices.

2. That you’ve been dumped/friend zoned a lot - Nobody wants to date someone that they know is constantly being tossed back into the water. You don’t want to plant seeds of doubt into anybody’s mind about your ability to function in a relationship. Nor do you want to make yourself sound unattractive. We want people who are desired by others. Remember that.

3. That a former employer was arrested/investigated/fled the country – A confession like this should come only when you and the other person have developed a baseline and a sense of each other’s character. Often times, an employee is oblivious to the shady dealings of their employer. But just as often, they are very aware of the illegal and nefarious activities that go on in that corner office.

4. That you cheated - Here’s the thing about hooking up with people with girlfriends or boyfriends. By doing so, they are telling you they don’t care what you think of them. In fact, they don’t really care about you at all most of the time. I know women LOVE to ask probing questions so that they can build faux intimacy with a man. If someone admits to infidelity or some other questionable behavior, don’t automatically assume that that kind of honesty is a positive thing.  Some people are actually proud of being a douchebag.

5. That you were abused in some way- Again, this is something that should only be revealed once true intimacy and trust has been established. It sucks, but many people hear such things and immediately assume that survivor is damaged in some way. It’s a scary thing to admit, but it’s also unsettling to hear, as it makes you wonder how such abuse affected their relationship and interpersonal skills.

6. That you haven’t had a relationship in a long time - Sorry, kids, but this question is a total trap. Lie. Lie your face off if you’ve been out of a relationship for more than a couple years. Better yet, don’t ask this question. If you do, don’t judge. The new reality now, thanks to online dating,  is that many if not most people have a spotty relationship history. The ‘”new normal” so to speak is to date someone for a handful of months here and there. Just because someone hasn’t been in a long term committed relationship in a few years is no longer a reflection on their ability to be in a long term relationship. Lots of people now are perfectly content with casually dating. By choice. Again, welcome to the “new normal.”

7. That you haven’t had sex in a long time – I know. You think it makes you sound discerning. But, let;s face it, people will wonder why you couldn’t get any for the last 9 months. Getting sex is far too easy nowadays. If you haven’t had sex in awhile, either you couldn’t find anybody to have sex with you, don’t have a solid sex drive, or have sexual hang ups. At least that is what many people will assume. On the same note, keep the fact that you just got laid a few recently to yourself as well. Here’s a good rule of thumb. Don’t talk about your sex life at all unless you’re in trusted company.

8. That you’re a recovering addict - We all assume, if someone says they never drink, that they are either a recovering alcoholic or a health nut. Sadly, people have preconceived ideas about recovery and sobriety and addiction. This is something you only reveal when you feel comfortable and know you won’t be shamed or judged. Always make your sobriety a priority.

9. That you’re a frequent drug or alcohol user - Keep the frequency in which you drink, smoke or take drugs to yourself. If you wouldn’t be public about that sort of thing on Facebook, you probably shouldn’t be putting it in a dating profile or revealing it to random strangers you meet.

10. That you had a messy break-up/divorce – Talk about foreshadowing. Keep any and all relationship/divorce drama off the table. Like, for good.

11. That you have a physical or mental illness of some kind – A close friend suffers from a manageable condition. He doesn’t typically tell anyone until he feels things are getting consistent or “serious.” Illness makes us appear weak. Unfortunately, many people are ignorant to most diseases and stigmas are alive and well. This is a revelation that should only come once trust and comfort is established.

12. That you’re unemployed - There are crafty ways to make it clear you are not steadily employed without telling people you don’t have a job. You can say you’re exploring a new field and are lucky to have the flexibility to do so. At our He Said/She Said event the other night, one man made it very clear would never date someone who didn’t have a job. Any job. He didn’t care if the person was supporting themselves through a savings or inheritance. They must, have. a . job. I;m not sure most people are that stringent. Though some are, apparently.

Anything else?

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Lies, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Happy & Healthy, He Said/She Said, Hook Up Culture, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Understanding Men, Understanding Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Must Have Dating Skill – Emotional Maturity

May 23, 2012 by 9 Comments

Name: Amy
Age: 30
State:
Question: I wrote in several months ago about a guy I was dating who’d invited me to Thanksgiving with his family, but didn’t want to be in a relationship.  We were only dating and sleeping with each other, we said we loved each other, we did everything a couple does except calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

He said he wanted to lose weight, he wanted to get a job he was happy with, he wanted to be completely over his ex and other hard stuff from the past, that he had a lot to work on before he could be in a relationship.  He said he had too much to deal with in his world to take on somebody else’s world.  (I should note here that I’ve know him for thirteen years, though we only really got to know each other last year.  His sister and I are old high school friends.  His dad and I get along wonderfully.  This isn’t just some random guy.)  Anyways, all those things made sense to me.  He told his dad he loved me, but wasn’t ready for a relationship; he told his friends, too.  Believing I understood the situation, I asked for space, so he could get his stuff together and so I wouldn’t feel like I was being strung along.

He called drunk one night, saying he was a loser and missed me.  I tried to be comforting and understanding.  He called me drunk again on New Years and talked for an hour, literally an hour, about how he was talking about me all night, how he missed and loved me, how I was so thoughtful, and then started crying about the sweetness of the Christmas gift I gave him.  It pulled on my heart so much that, like a dope, I went over his place.  During sex, he did something that I’d already told him I didn’t like; I got upset.  I didn’t get angry, I got sad.  I just started crying and told him I didn’t like that and he knew it.  I asked him to please talk with me so we could both be on the same page, so maybe he could understand, really, why I didn’t like that, and so I could stop hurting.  He refused.  He said he didn’t care.  I was incredibly confused and hurt and broke the Christmas gift I got him (anger/violence is really out of character for me).  He then kicked me out.

A month later (a day or two after I’d contacted a therapist to help sort out all my confusion and hurt), I got a three minute long voicemail from him, saying he was sorry, that it didn’t take him a month to realize he was wrong, but his ego was in the way, that I deserved better than that, that he didn’t want me to think he was a jerk who didn’t care, that he didn’t expect this to fix anything, but just really wanted to say he was sorry.  I didn’t respond.  He sent an email a few days later, saying he hoped I got his voicemail and that he hoped all was well with me and that he had a job interview soon.

I didn’t want to call or email, but I didn’t want to leave him hanging, either, because I know that that hurts.  I wrote him a letter, snail mail, and thanked him for apologizing, told him he still meant a lot to me, that his apology meant a lot to me and that it gave me what I needed to heal.  I told him I just needed space, to process everything, to feel okay about it all.  He emailed me right away after he got the letter.  In his email he made a joke about the thing he did during sex; I don’t want to say what he did, but the joke went something like: I’m sorry I did that to you.  It felt amazing and that’s why I did it.  If you weren’t so much fun to have sex with, maybe I wouldn’t have done it and maybe you wouldn’t be so mad at me.

He also said he didn’t want us to rehash/discuss what happened anymore, that he was tired of dissecting stuff like that . . . then he explained his side.  I realize he sounds like an ass, and definitely screwed with my head, but I’m still hurt.  He was the first guy I ever had sex with.  I’m 30 and I realize that’s not common, but because of past sexual and verbal abuse, it was incredibly hard for me to let men get close.

Anyways, after his email, I wrote back, saying I didn’t think his joke was funny, and that he explained his side after saying he didn’t want to discuss it anymore.  I wrote: people have the want/need to be understood, but they also have the need/want to not have to deal with hard things; maybe you needed both.  I told him I still cared about him, but was very hurt and to please not write back anymore.  He wrote back right away, saying he was sorry, and he included a link to a cute animal picture (I love cute animals).  I didn’t write back.  Several days later, he sent another email with another cute animal link. At this point, I was having panic attacks when I saw his name in my inbox.  A few days later, I finally wrote back telling him all this was very hard, that he needed to be fair in terms of communication, to be all in or all out, to either have a long, hard discussion with me about everything or leave me alone completely.  This was in February.  I haven’t heard from him since.

Five or six weeks after I sent him that email, on April 1st, he got into a relationship with a girl he was already friends with, who, about a month or two prior, separated from her husband (a guy she dated for years and was married to for not even a year).  After a week of them being boyfriend and girlfriend, he took her to Easter dinner with his family.  I’ve deleted him from Facebook and have deleted my account all together, but the last I saw was that he was working out and was much “healthier and happier”; his girlfriend liked it and commented that she would “love it” if she could.

I am in therapy to help me deal with all the confusion, which is helping, but I’m writing to get as many points of view as possible; I’m still confused about it all.  It’s May and I’m better, but I still get really sad sometimes.  Here’s my questions: is it normal to still get so hurt/sad by stuff that happened three months ago?  From the outside, his new relationship looks like a rebound, or a confidence booster for both parties, but could it be real?  That blows my mind and makes me feel like he was lying to me the whole time about not being ready, which means he was using me, which makes me feel awful inside, because I believed him and believed in him.

I think this would be a lot easier if I wasn’t friends with his sister and dad.  I’m going to her wedding later this year and am so scared to see him there, to maybe see him with this girlfriend who he got with so soon after me.

 

I’m 30 and I realize that’s not common, but because of past sexual and verbal abuse, it was incredibly hard for me to let men get close.

Okay, but you let this guy get close. That negates the “I was abused and it’s hard for me to let a guy in” reasoning. It’s not hard for you to let a guy in. It’s hard for you to let the right guys in and reject the wrong ones. This is similar to the excuses you read in the dating blogosphere. The women in their thirties and forties whining about how hard it is for them to trust men and that’s why they keep dating unavailable men or none of their relationships work out. The relationships don’t work out because the women are limited or damaged in some way and refuse to change. They like being the wounded bird. It’s a comfortable and convenient excuse to explain why they can’t keep a guy around. You can’t keep falling back on the abuse excuse to justify your behavior. It’s not an excuse. It’s a contributing factor, but not an excuse. I say that as someone who has been through a similar experience. We don’t get to play that card after a certain point. We just don’t. You just don’t go breaking items in people’s homes and then say, “But..but..I was abused!” It’s great that you’re in therapy, but if your sessions revolve around examining his behavior and relationship, you’re wasting your money.

I don’t want to say what he did,

Trust me. Most of us have figured it out. I get that you set a boundary and he crossed it and you felt violated. You are absolutely justified in being upset at that. Someone who does that doesn’t respect you. He then made it worse by trying to downplay it. This guy is a mess in numerous ways.

Here’s my questions: is it normal to still get so hurt/sad by stuff that happened three months ago?

Nobody gets to dictate when or how you process something. Normal is subjective. Is it destructive to stew in this situation? Yes. It’s not healthy. But you’ll get through it when you get through it. You have no experience with this, which is why it’s taking so long to heal. Like anything else, it’s a learning process. Trust me. You’ll eventually get to a point where you look at his Facebook page and laugh at him. Once you stop caring what he thinks, you’ll be surprised how easy it is to see him for who he really is.

From the outside, his new relationship looks like a rebound, or a confidence booster for both parties, but could it be real?

Sure. He could even marry her. I highly doubt it’s any more healthy than his relationship with you, though. He just managed to find someone who accepts and embraces his immaturity and stupidity. They aren’t compatible in spite of his issues. They are compatible because of them.

That blows my mind and makes me feel like he was lying to me the whole time about not being ready, which means he was using me, which makes me feel awful inside, because I believed him and believed in him.

Yup. That sucks. But I don’t think he was lying about being ready. I don’t think he is ready for a truly mature and adult relationship. Like I said, he just found someone who is accepting of his very obvious limitations. Someone who will fawn over him on Facebook and write cutesy replies to his lame commentary. Men like this don’t wake up one day and become self-actualized and mature human beings. They just find someone who doesn’t know any better and then hopes for the best.

You’re both emotionally immature. That’s why you engaged each other. That’s why you believed him. He will never truly understand why you were hurt. There is no point in trying to get him to see your side of things. He’s not capable of doing that.

Use this experience to propel you to the next level.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Skills, Douchey Guys, Dysfunction Junction, Happy & Healthy, Rebound, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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