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Things You Should Never Admit In a Dating Profile..Or Maybe Ever

August 2, 2012 by 69 Comments

When it comes to dating, there are certain confessions that people really should to themselves.

I can remember reading a man’s profile once and came across something that gave me pause. He answered the question “Are you an honorable person” by saying that he wasn’t an honorable person int he past but was “working on it.”

Oooooh. Dish, girlfriend. Intrigued by his “refreshing honesty” I emailed him and asked him what he meant by that statement. Of course he answered because, well, why else would he admit that in his dating profile? He said that he had cheated on pretty much every woman he’s ever dated. But he was committed to changing.

Oh. Well then.

When people make shocking admissions like this, be it in a profile or in conversation, it’s usually strategic. Sometimes they’re conscious and aware of what they are doing. Other times…not so much.

Here are some things you should reveal with caution. Or maybe not at all.

1. That one time, in band camp? - Yeah, leave those wild nights when you were in college or that time you pulled a train in the past. Sadly, thanks to advancements in technology, some young people’s bad decisions can haunt them all over the internet. The co-ed porn niche is extremely popular. Personally, it skeeves me out, because you just know those kids aren’t thinking clearly or are trusting the wrong people. Your experiences as you explored and expressed your sexuality are yours. Those choices might have made perfect sense to you and you might feel totally comfortable with them, but people will judge you.   There are, of course, people out there who are not intimidated by such stories. At the very least, practice good judgment. You know what will make you sound shady or might imply that you have poor judgment. That’s the stuff you keep to yourself. You’re not obligated to share glimpses of your sexual history with your new partner. Nor do you owe anyone an explanation for your choices.

2. That you’ve been dumped/friend zoned a lot - Nobody wants to date someone that they know is constantly being tossed back into the water. You don’t want to plant seeds of doubt into anybody’s mind about your ability to function in a relationship. Nor do you want to make yourself sound unattractive. We want people who are desired by others. Remember that.

3. That a former employer was arrested/investigated/fled the country – A confession like this should come only when you and the other person have developed a baseline and a sense of each other’s character. Often times, an employee is oblivious to the shady dealings of their employer. But just as often, they are very aware of the illegal and nefarious activities that go on in that corner office.

4. That you cheated - Here’s the thing about hooking up with people with girlfriends or boyfriends. By doing so, they are telling you they don’t care what you think of them. In fact, they don’t really care about you at all most of the time. I know women LOVE to ask probing questions so that they can build faux intimacy with a man. If someone admits to infidelity or some other questionable behavior, don’t automatically assume that that kind of honesty is a positive thing.  Some people are actually proud of being a douchebag.

5. That you were abused in some way- Again, this is something that should only be revealed once true intimacy and trust has been established. It sucks, but many people hear such things and immediately assume that survivor is damaged in some way. It’s a scary thing to admit, but it’s also unsettling to hear, as it makes you wonder how such abuse affected their relationship and interpersonal skills.

6. That you haven’t had a relationship in a long time - Sorry, kids, but this question is a total trap. Lie. Lie your face off if you’ve been out of a relationship for more than a couple years. Better yet, don’t ask this question. If you do, don’t judge. The new reality now, thanks to online dating,  is that many if not most people have a spotty relationship history. The ‘”new normal” so to speak is to date someone for a handful of months here and there. Just because someone hasn’t been in a long term committed relationship in a few years is no longer a reflection on their ability to be in a long term relationship. Lots of people now are perfectly content with casually dating. By choice. Again, welcome to the “new normal.”

7. That you haven’t had sex in a long time – I know. You think it makes you sound discerning. But, let;s face it, people will wonder why you couldn’t get any for the last 9 months. Getting sex is far too easy nowadays. If you haven’t had sex in awhile, either you couldn’t find anybody to have sex with you, don’t have a solid sex drive, or have sexual hang ups. At least that is what many people will assume. On the same note, keep the fact that you just got laid a few recently to yourself as well. Here’s a good rule of thumb. Don’t talk about your sex life at all unless you’re in trusted company.

8. That you’re a recovering addict - We all assume, if someone says they never drink, that they are either a recovering alcoholic or a health nut. Sadly, people have preconceived ideas about recovery and sobriety and addiction. This is something you only reveal when you feel comfortable and know you won’t be shamed or judged. Always make your sobriety a priority.

9. That you’re a frequent drug or alcohol user - Keep the frequency in which you drink, smoke or take drugs to yourself. If you wouldn’t be public about that sort of thing on Facebook, you probably shouldn’t be putting it in a dating profile or revealing it to random strangers you meet.

10. That you had a messy break-up/divorce – Talk about foreshadowing. Keep any and all relationship/divorce drama off the table. Like, for good.

11. That you have a physical or mental illness of some kind – A close friend suffers from a manageable condition. He doesn’t typically tell anyone until he feels things are getting consistent or “serious.” Illness makes us appear weak. Unfortunately, many people are ignorant to most diseases and stigmas are alive and well. This is a revelation that should only come once trust and comfort is established.

12. That you’re unemployed - There are crafty ways to make it clear you are not steadily employed without telling people you don’t have a job. You can say you’re exploring a new field and are lucky to have the flexibility to do so. At our He Said/She Said event the other night, one man made it very clear would never date someone who didn’t have a job. Any job. He didn’t care if the person was supporting themselves through a savings or inheritance. They must, have. a . job. I;m not sure most people are that stringent. Though some are, apparently.

Anything else?

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Lies, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Happy & Healthy, He Said/She Said, Hook Up Culture, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Understanding Men, Understanding Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Plausible Deniability & Dealing With Conflict

April 2, 2012 by 5 Comments

Recently, someone from my past contacted me to discuss something I had said in passing here. It was said not in a post, but in a comment.  He was understandably annoyed. I told him that just because something could apply to him doesn’t mean it was directed it him and suggested he simply not read if he was going to personalize everything that is said.

Truth? What I said was in a way inspired by him.  To say that my opinion or expressive commentary wasn’t would be disingenuous.

I wasn’t annoyed at being called out. What annoyed me was his explanation as to how he found out about it.

“Oh, I didn’t read it. Someone that I turned on to your column read it and told me about it.”

Now, that’s entirely possible. Anything is possible.

Rather than say he had read it, he felt it necessary (I believe) to manufacture a source. That way he can take a tone of aloof superiority with me and maintain plausible deniability should I (or anybody else) decide to turn the argument around on him and ask why he’s reading in the first place.

All of this got me to thinking about our own ability to concede and offer a genuine apology. To some people it comes with little angst. But to others, there is a staunch refusal to give in. Their position in the dynamic is far too important to them.They need to cling to the moral high ground, absolutely lying to themselves and others about their contribution to the so-called “problem.”

I recently tweeted that, in order to have an honest conversation with someone, each party needs to be able to be honest with themselves. We say this as it’s a given. Of course. But I think what many people fail to understand is that there are a lot of people who are incapable of this. Which makes dating them very, very difficult. If they are unable to admit their errors or their participation in the current conflict, then there is no point in arguing. There is no winning.

Dealing with conflict is never easy and often exhausting. Especially if one or both parties aren’t very good at resolving the issue productively. Much of how we deal with conflict comes from our environment. We learn at a very young age to either fight or retreat.

About a month ago, I was in a situation where a man and I had had a disagreement over something that, in hindsight, was silly. I watched him putter around his kitchen and get food that he had ordered for us and lay it out on the coffee table in his living room. He didn’t look up, he didn’t say a word. He sat down at the coffee table, crossed his legs and put on The Simpsons, his back to me. He had laid a place out for me. I sat at his computer and watched this unfold, also saying nothing.  Refusing to sit at that table. I looked at him, sitting there with his legs crossed, watching a cartoon.

I got a flash of an image. It was of a little boy eating his dinner in front of the TV, away from what was going on behind him, completely detached. Escaping I think is a better word. In that moment, I couldn’t be angry. This was all he knew. This was how he coped with conflict. He shut out the noise and the tension and just drifted off in to his own world.

Maybe I was projecting my own similar experiences as a child. Due to my Mom dying and everybody grieving in their own way, there was tension. Nobody was really talking about their feelings. They were just..reacting.So I would sit in front of the TV and watch The Brady Bunch and shut it all out.My sisters were all much older than me and were in different stages of development. They would fight over clothes and boys and who gets Dad’s car.  (Is it any wonder my Dad would literally work 18 hour days?)

Growing up in a family of 5 daughters – 5 strong, outspoken women – tends to condition somebody to confront. So you grow up thinking that this is how it’s done and that everybody takes the same approach. So when you come up against someone who takes the exact opposite stance, it can be unbelievably frustrating. You can try to be more in tune with their needs. You can accept them for the tools that they have or don’t have. But by a certain point in our lives, it’s almost impossible to “fix” them.

My friend J. and I were talking about this situation yesterday and she said, “A lot of people aren’t concerned with personal development.  And that’s okay.”

She’s right. Some people will never be who you want them to be. They will never develop the skills necessary to resolve conflict in a productive way. Everybody has their own tool box.It’s just that some people’s boxes are more complete than others. The hard part is finding someone who has the same or similar tools as you do.

Resolving conflict in a healthy way and in a way that doesn’t make you want to shoot your face off starts with one thing:

Accountability. What have you done to add to the mounting tension? Refusing to admit what you’ve done strictly so you can maintain some level of superiority isn’t going to help you get what you want. Then you need to be sure you are justified in your reaction and equally guilty of the same behavior or act.

Next,  you need to show empathy. Why is this person feeling what they are feeling? You don’t have to agree with it. You just need to make a genuine effort to understand. The thing people don’t realize is that some people are incapable of this because every thought they have is fueled by their own self-obsession.

Finally, you need to be able to decide if this problem is actually a problem at all or if you’re choosing to make it one.

That’s the place you come from when you react or make a request.

For me, there are rare cases where I will stand my ground in an argument and refuse to yield. Bullying of any kind will never work on me. Neither will blatant lying or manipulation. Trying to assert control over me will not end well. For either of us.

But when I do become that stubborn, that is a warning sign to me that this is not a relationship I wish to save.  If I’m putting my own ego first, then what does that say not only about my feelings for this person but my ability to be in that particular relationship? Why am I there in the first place??

If you continue to push, you need to ask yourself one thing:

1. Why is it so important to you to “win?”

If you don’t have an answer to that, a real one and not just “Because I’m right”, then you need to just stop.

I’ve said this before. There is no winning in these situations. You might get what you want in the short term. But in the long term, needing to win will eventually become a bigger problem for you.

The truth is, you will not always win. Accept that and move on.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating In a Big City, He Said/She Said, Latests Posts, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Uncategorized

He Said/She Said – Men, Ultimatums & Who Wears The Pants?

March 28, 2012 by 10 Comments

More questions from our He Said/She Said event:

Regarding online dating, why do men email only through the dating site & NEVER ask for your personal email?

There are several possible answers to this:

1. They don’t want to end up in a pen pal relationship. I read so many profiles where the men state explicitly that they’ll looking to meet women who actually want to meet. That’s why a lot of men and women don’t give out their numbers and email addresses, because it often leads to a huge time wasting experience of back and forth messages that lead no where. Have I said this before? Just meet. Skip the phone, skip the texting. Just. Meet.

2.They’re private. Many people just prefer to keep all their online dating communications in one place for organizational purposes. They also don’t want to give out their real email address just because it’s probably attached to their full name and they wish to maintain a little privacy. For the most part, I find setting up an email account strictly for online dating to be a slight hassle. I’d rather just check the website.

3. They don’t want a paper trail - Yes, the guy could also be cheating. He doesn’t want any evidence of that to be found in his email folder should his GF  “happen” across it.

 

Do women prefer to be in control of the relationship or do they want the man to take control?

This, I think, is subjective. It’s also another situation where I think everybody has their own definition of “control.” If you mean do women prefer that men take the initiative, then the answer is yes. Why? Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that a man should do the pursuing. Many women like to know where they stand right away, and having the man initiate conversations helps ease insecurities. This, too, is why we tend to avoid the “nice guys.” They’re not terribly confident. We want a guy who knows what he wants goes after it. Now, if you mean in control as in who wears the pants and makes the decisions? I think every woman is different. Some women want the man to make the major decisions, others want to be the one who call the shots. But I think most women prefer that couples make the bigger decisions together. Since women now have more of an equal footing financially, they no longer look to the man to decide how their money is spent. The tricky thing is that a lot of women, especially the more assertive ones, think they want an equal partnership and a man with a backbone, etc. But really they want  a doormat who will whatever they say. That’s why they end up complaining that they can never find a decent guy – they don’t really know what they want, nor are they aware of how their aggressive demeanor actually draws to them the weaker men.  Only the beta guys will indulge them. They’re so desperate for approval that they’ll do anything, and surrender their dignity in the process. Truly strong women don’t want that. The stronger guys know the difference between a confident and assertive woman and a bitch. Many women don’t. Hence the problem.

 

You are in a relationship for awhile and it has come to the point where you would love to move in but he is wishy washy about the idea. Do you give an ultimatum or do you leave?

It is never wise to issue a man an ultimatum. No man with any self-respect is going to cave in these situations. Their pride won’t let them. Plus it’s a bully tactic. This is why so few men actually give in and commit to women who withhold sex until they get commitment. They know, for the most part, it’s an ultimatum of sorts. Issuing an ultimatum also communicates to a man that the woman isn’t as confident as she is feigning to be. If she were, she’d just leave. So it’s futile to do this because, once you do, you’ve played your hand and he has you where he wants you. A woman should tell a man what she sees for them down the road and then ask him if he’s on the same page. Then she should be patient, because many men are likely to freeze up when confronted with topics like moving in or getting engaged. They want to feel as though they did these things on their own time. If they give in to a woman’s demands, they’ll end up hating themselves and resenting her.Women have to learn to sit on their hands a bit in these situations. They want answers, and it’s rare that men can give them the ones they want when they want them.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Gender Roles, He Said/She Said, Online Dating, Red Flags, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , , , ,

He Said/She Said – Nice Guys, Hook Ups & Cheating “Boyfriends”

March 27, 2012 by 36 Comments

Here are some interesting questions from last night’s He Said/She Said panel. (Where I may or may not have had a few Cosmos and am now suffering from a hangover.)

 

If your date wants a hookup but not a relationship, what would be an appropriate way for him to express this?

The tricky part about this is that many women, if they receive such a proposal, will wonder what it is about them that makes a guy think she would be open to that. She’ll wonder if he thinks she’s “easy.” The answer is: probably. But being considered “easy” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. “Easy” to a lot of men often means “simple to deal with/doesn’t have hangups.” If you’re somebody just looking for a casual hook up, then put up a profile on OKCupid and select “short term dating” as your only relationship choice. Do not select “casual sex” because you’ll repel the stable women and attract a lot of the crazies. I’ve come to learn  that it’s a certain type of man or woman that puts their picture up on a profile and openly states they’ll have casual sex. Rarely are those people easy to deal with. Or, you know, healthy. Don’t drag a woman out to meet you under the guise of being open to a relationship and then spring on her that you’re just looking for something casual. If you meet a woman off line and things are clicking and you’re feeling a mutual attraction, then ask her if she’d like to go back to her place or yours, but tell her you’re not looking for a relationship. Not every woman will slap you in the face or call you a masher. Women say they want a man who is honest? Then be honest.

 

Why do women say they want a nice guy but then meet one and want something else?

Easy. Because either they don’t really want  a nice guy OR the guy isn’t so much “nice” as he is “boring” or “weak.” Women want a “good” guy. But we also want a guy with an edge. A bad boy with a good heart. Not only do many of us get bored with a guy who is “too nice” but we long for – whether we will admit it or not – that little bit of drama that comes from not knowing where we stand. A guy that is too accommodating or available is usually deemed “weak” by a woman. I’m not suggesting that a man be rude or mean or abusive. But he should be mysterious and not totally available. Same goes for women. When we say we want a “nice” guy we typically mean a guy who isn’t a selfish asshat. That’s not the same as “nice.” The problem isn’t that we don’t want the nice guys when they cross our paths. It’s that we are not properly defining “nice.”

This question comes from a recent comment. It brings up an issue I’ve wanted to address ever since reading a post here.

He played the part of the fantastic boyfriend to the hilt, so much so that it was like living in a Hollywood movie – and then out of the blue and without any warning, he pulled the “freeze-up,” at which time I discovered that he was online trying to date and have sex with other women (or perhaps had already been doing it while we were together – yuck!), so I ended it. – Terry

Here’s the deal, ladies. If your “boyfriend” is online or has an active profile on a dating website and has his picture attached to it, he was not your boyfriend. Like, at all.  There was no “relationship.” I want everybody to really ask themselves what kind of person does this -  post a photo on the internet, probably on the very site where you and they met, and is openly trolling to dates or sex. While I’m sure there are a few sociopaths out there, the chances that all of the women and men involved with that post I linked to actually met one is slim. No, these people either were “dating” someone for a short period of time and made assumptions, imagined the relationship in their head or couldn’t wait to join the club of people who thrive off being wounded and have been “cheated on” by “boyfriends.” It gives people a sense of community and makes them feel like they have more relationship experience than they actually have. They take something innocuous, that means nothing, and turn it into a drama simply so they can say they once that happened to them, too. If you’re on a dating website skulking around for “proof” of infidelity, you’re “relationship” is clearly pretty tenuous, if it exists at all.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Co-Habitation, Date Like a Man, Dating, He Said/She Said, Latests Posts, Marriage, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Sex, Texting, The Fade Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Who Has More Luck Online – Men or Women?

March 12, 2012 by 107 Comments

Don’t act like the ‘chubby’ girls or the ‘older’ girls get NO action online. Do some homework: ask all of your chubby and older girlfriends how many emails they get online. I bet it’s a good amount. – Dark Sarcasm

 

Um, I’m 43 years old. I’m in good shape, but I’m definitely not slender. When I was actively using OK Cupid for dating purposes, I’d post a profile and get about 50 emails in the first 3-5 days. That would drop off to 25 by week two. 10 or so by week 3. And then once I hit the one month mark I’d get maybe 3 emails a week for a couple weeks, even when I’d update my profile.

Of those emails, at least 40% of them were from men that were 10+ years above or below my age range.

Then there was the 10% that were from the guys from Amsterdam or London asking me how the weather was over here.

Another 20% were from the guys who opened with, “Hey beautiful/sexy/love those lips” or some other socially inept comment.

The next 20% of emails came from men who were time wasters, put me on the back burner, sidelined me or otherwise emotionally maladjusted.

Finally, there were 10% of men that I actually went out with. Of the 8 or so guys I went out with in the past year, 3 have turned in to something that lasted 2-5 months or are currently ongoing. Of those 3, 2 emailed me first. I emailed one. (That one lasted about 5 months or so.) In the past 7 months I’ve gone out with all of 3 guys from that site, two of which led to something ongoing but certainly did not/have not reached anything that would merit the  “omigod BOYFRIEND!” status. I focused only on the guys that I was genuinely excited to meet. Anybody that seemed like too much work, ambivalent, had too many options, etc were discarded. Why put myself through that? So I could say I had a date?

Please enlighten me as to how this myth that women get more messages started. Because that was not my experience. Maybe the women who are inordinately beautiful or the ones in their twenties get barraged with emails. But I certainly didn’t.

Having done a number of profile reviews for men in the last couple of weeks, I’ll say this. Many of these men all went for the “hot” woman. The woman who looked good but whose profile was so abysmally awful- COMPLETE WITH OBVIOUSLY OLD PHOTOS -  that it was clear all these guys cared about was dating someone “hot.” I had no problem alerting some of these men to the fact that they were average looking guys competing with all the other average looking guys. (FYI? The “hot” guys are not emailing those women. They’re too busy dating your female counterpart – the average woman who wants the “hot” guy.) I absolutely agree with Offensive Dan when he says people write obnoxious profiles with all kinds of disclaimers and shit tests HOPING to attract some dolt desperate enough to tolerate their self-important BS. Eventually they grow bored with those men and women and start all over. You’re not exactly missing out on your great true love if they don’t reply.

One guy showed me a woman’s profile and she was absolutely stunning. But to him, she was “a seven.” So maybe that, too, is part of the problem. You guys have such out of whack expectations that you think you’re emailing the average women when you’re not. I don’t know. What I do know is that you don’t appear to be having any luck. So something isn’t working.

If you guys out there complaining about how difficult and delusional women are are swinging for the fences all the time, then that explains why you’re not having much luck. Nobody who does that has much luck.

I find this constant complaint that women get sooo many more emails than men overwrought and baseless. You don’t know that. Or you’re basing that on the women that you meet, which are probably the women being contacted by everybody and using those sites for attention and free meals. In which case, you probably have really bad taste in women.

I don’t think the problem is that the women are all high maintenance. I think part of the problem is that you guys who often complain go for the “hot” woman because she’s attractive, not really understanding that you have no shot in the first place.

Like someone recently said, just because someone is attractive doesn’t mean you have to meet them. Isn’t it possible that that that is your problem? That you’re all going out with women out of your league because they’re attractive, ignoring all the red flags in their profile?

Or maybe you’re just denying what your true audience is?

Or maybe you’re just not that attractive or bring much to the table?

Finally, why care so much about all those people who won’t give you a  chance? If you think they’re so difficult and shallow, then why even care? That makes no sense.

 

 

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Filed Under: Book, Dating, He Said/She Said, Latests Posts, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

What’s Your Dating Timetable?

February 16, 2012 by 12 Comments

Here’s another question from our He Said/She Said event the other night.

Ladies, do you have a timetable in your mind on how long you want to date before you move in or get married?

 

I think there are a lot of factors involved with this like age, relationship goals AND relationship history. If a woman has had a hard time finding a man who wanted to commit, or dated men who hesitated to commit, the urgency for commitment and milestone achievement can grow. We saw an example of this in a recent letter. The harder it becomes to find someone who wants a relationship, the more anxious some women tend to get about the relationship progressing. Unfortunately, this anxiousness also messes with our need to do a little critical thinking. We want to believe everything is “normal” or “typical” that we ignore that little voice in our head that suggests we take a step back and look at the situation objectively and realistically.

The other factor here is that many women tend to use their friend’s relationships as a benchmark. Which is funny, because I can guarantee you that the stories they have heard from their girlfriends are at least a little embellished or skewed.Basically, they’re basing their own schedule on a relationship that doesn’t really exist.

This question raises an interesting subject. What do you think is he typical time frame for reaching various stages of a relationship?I’m posing these questions to both men and women.

  • When do you meet their friends?
  • When do you Facebook Friend them? (Yes, an actual milestone now.)
  • When do you meet their family?
  • When do you have sex?
  • When do you spend holidays together?
  • When do you travel together?
  • When do you discuss where the relationship is going/exclusivity?
  • When do you talk about living together or marriage?
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Filed Under: Commitment, Dating, He Said/She Said, Latests Posts, Monogamy, Red Flags, Sex, Shackin' Up, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , ,

Dating Potpourri: Why Don’t Men……?

February 15, 2012 by 71 Comments

At our He Said/She Said event the other night, we got a ton f interesting questions. I’m going to post a few of them here.

Why don’t men try to learn an activity that would impress a woman like ballroom dancing or salsa so they could enjoy them together?

My answer was: Men don’t take classes in things that they will never apply or use in day to day life just to meet women. They will take classes (and pay money) for something that will produce a return on investment. This isn’t due to laziness. This is due to common sense. If they are going to invest a few hundred dollars, there needs to be some form of a guarantee or high likelihood that they will be getting laid out of it.

Why are some men not concerned with being well groomed when they go out unless they are sure they are getting laid? Like clean shaven, wearing a suit, wear cologne?

See answer above. You answered your own question. Men will dress this way for work because…say it with me…they are getting paid for it and because how they dress is related to how they are perceived by superiors and peers. They do not dress this way for women by choice. They do it because they believe it is expected of them. Kind of like why they pay the tab on dates.  If a button down shirt and jeans isn’t good enough for you, then I suggest getting familiar with it. Because no man is putting on a suit just for a first or second date. You’re just not that important to him a that point. The other reason they might not make an effort? They don’t have to. They’re either good looking or charismatic enough OR their grungy/starving artist look scores them sex. The only other reason they don’t make a noticeable effort is because they are socially clueless and haven’t had much experience with women and therefore have never been educated on what is more likely to get them laid.

Do guys really like the Damsel in Distress act? For example, do guys really want a woman who is dependent on their significant other?

I think you’re conflating two different issues. The Damsel in Distress act usually refers to a woman who is in well, distress. She frequently has issues or problems that require the man to swoop in and “save” her. That’s not the same thing as wanting a woman to be somewhat dependent on him. It’s not that they want us to be dependent on them. They want us to need them. They want us to be emotionally available. They don’t want us to be shutting them out or keeping them at arm’s length or judging them. They want to know that our lives are made better for having them in it and that we appreciate them.

Why do men think they could sustain a relationship when the only activity they both share is sex and dining out?

We’ve discussed this before. What else are you supposed to do? I mean, sure, it’s good to throw in an activity date here and there, but what do you think a “real relationship” looks like?  How often do you think couples go rock climbing together or to an art gallery or a movie? I’d say those dates are the minority. And let’s face it, the longer you’re together, the less common they become. It’s one thing if the dinner/drink is more of an obligation a la the Dignity Date. That’s done to avoid making the hook up feel like a hooker/john dynamic or because the guy knows the woman needs “more” in order to have sex. But if there’s a genuine connection between you and the other person and you enjoy each other and you use the pre-sex time to connect and get to know each other, then who cares what you’re doing? I can assure you that if you said to a man that you’d like to do something other than dinner one night, and he was interested in you beyond sex, he’d do it. He might not plan it, but he’d do it. If it bothers you, speak up. If you don’t, he’s just going to keep doing what he’s doing because he thinks it is working. Now, if he balks at it or doesn’t want to do anything else, then you have your answer about what sort of “relationship” you have. I think that’s the real issue. They assume that the less effort he makes to plan creative dates, the less interested he is or the more likely he is just interested in sex. It’s the path of least resistance/common sense thing again. You can’t go wrong with dinner. Ever.

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