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Stop Pretending You’re Not Competitive With Other Women

May 10, 2013 by 14 Comments

Name: Lucywomaneer-flirting
Comment: I’m generally slightly flirtatious and am so without even trying. However I know about boundaries and would never have designs on anyone else’s man or chase after anyone who is clearly taken. I find this slightly distressing as on previous occasions, I have been accused of stepping over the line but that would never enter my head as it goes against any idea I have of common decency. The fact that people have said this makes me slightly ashamed.

To give you more information, the type of flirting I might fall into is very low key. For example I might make some silly joke about something. But I have never tried to get physically close to another woman’s boyfriend, initiated contact, tried to get alone with him or anything like that. I do not try to become friends with men and I stick to an all female group. Sometimes I might not even be flirting at all and the man or woman involved will tell me that I am.

I would like to tone down my flirtatious nature because on previous occasions it has caused hurt to others. I now cut men off quickly so I don’t lead them on and I try not to flirt with men I am not interested in. But I want to feel free to be myself without it complicating how I get on with others.
Age: 23
City: Edinburgh
State: United Kingdom

 

Before we begin, I just want to call back your previous letter to me. People can read it here.

I’ll just throw this out there: the people I trust the least are the people who make public declarations of how honorable they are. A wise and mature person would know that they could never say, unequivocally,  that they wouldn’t do something. Impulses, emotions and circumstances all factor in to the decisions we make. When people insist that they would “never” do something, what they’re actually saying is, “I’m smarter/more restrained/more trustworthy than other people.” They’re bragging.

I got a whiff of competitiveness and jealousy in your first letter. Now the stench is undeniable. The underlying message in this letter is, “I can’t help it if men find me attractive. (blink blink) How do I fix that?”

What’s dangerous about people like you is that you actually believe what you’re saying. So here’s the first step for you recovery: stop lying to yourself about your altruistic intentions. They don’t exist. You like attention from men. Join the club. That aspect of your personality doesn’t pose the threat. What makes you suspect is that you also like the idea of pissing off other women.Nothing will get me to turn on my heels faster and walk away from a woman is hearing her talk about all the ways she’s committed to paving the way for other females. No, women like that are all about their own personal advancement. Show. Don’t tell.If you have to frequently remind other women how supportive you are, you’re not.

Equally questionable are women who go out of their way to piss off other women.  Niecy Nash was promoting her book on TV last night. In it, she advises women to always keep their man sexually satisfied. Ok. Fine. Agreed. But when she was asked about people who critiqued that particular piece of advice her response was, “Well..that’s why they don’t have a man.” Oooooh. Sick burn, Niecy. That sort of tripe is no different that the women and men who toss barbs my way about giving advice while being single, or who habitually have to trot out their relationship as proof that they’ve truly learned to love themselves or reached some magnificent level of awareness. Can we please stop that? That sort of talk is actually the opposite of empowered. All it does is reinforce the idea that what we achieved means nothing unless we have a man in our life to validate it.

While I think some level of competition is natural and maybe even healthy, I believe some people take that desire to be the victor a bit too far. If you don’t want other women to think you’re out to steal their boyfriends, then stop trying to steal their boyfriends. If you’d prefer that your female peers didn’t hate on you for being so confident, then stop trolling them.

OP, until you get past your need to compete with your female friends, this problem will exist. Going after or getting a guy just for bragging rights rarely ever ends well. Not only will you eventually repel any man that does give you a chance, but you will alienate all your friends and other women in the process. You don’t want to be that woman with no female friends. Men and women both will keep you at arm’s length.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, First Impressions, Girlfriends & Sabotage, Happy & Healthy, Hook Up Culture, How SATC Ruined Women, Humblebrag, jealousy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Elementary, My Dear Watson: He Just Wanted To Get Laid

March 1, 2013 by 36 Comments

Name: Eleanor
Age: 30
City: Carbondale
State: CO
:
Comment: I’ve read your blog for a few months, but as a (potential) contributor, I’m a virgin…try to be gentle?

Everybody plays a fool…sometimes.

I live in the mountains in Colorado. It’s lovely, but remote- as you’d imagine -moving here as a single woman has yielded a wealth of professional growth, but not companionship. I soon figured out the bar scene was not the place to remedy this. And though it’s winter here, I’m one of few with no real interest (money to burn) in skiing or snowboarding. So I decided to try okcupid for a few months. (dun dun dun DUUUN!)

I went on a number of dates, nothing special. This was ok by me; we can find a value to each experience even if it isn’t the one we had in mind. One day, a man emailed me and we hit it off.

He was my age, articulate, into rugby, and Irish. Like me, he worked with computers, enjoyed dry wit, his presentation style was a bit blunt, he seemed to be looking for more than a one night stand. All appealing fare to me. Pretty soon, we graduated from email to text, then to phone. That week felt great, with calls each night lasting near to dawn; it had been a long time since I’d felt any sort of connection with a man. Yes, I’ll admit it: we had phone sex. Once. Barring stigmas, it was grand fun, and no regrets!

Then he asked to see me. But in order to do so, he’d have to drive 4 hours. We talked about it for a while, neither one wanting to over-step any boundaries, deciding in the end that we wanted to meet. My apartment is a separated basement level of a home in which the family I rent from lives, and they would be a wall away. Anyway, my intuition told me I didn’t have cause for worry. I offered to make dinner for us there.

The night came, and he arrived. I served us drinks and cooked while we talked. By the time dinner was in the oven, he asked to kiss me, and I said yes.

Most people can recall a few times where an attraction was unmistakable, a tension hanged in the air, building to the point where a simple gesture comes on like a collision. Make fun if you want, it was a great feeling. Familiar with the nature of passion as I am, I knew it likely wouldn’t last, and that perhaps it was only a feeling I had in my head, in my body…and all the other things about red flags, people just saying things to get sex, and the rest. I make choices knowingly that I can live with. I felt I could talk to this guy, and I liked him enough, to be open and see what happened. It was not my first rodeo.

I don’t use sex as a tool for respect. If it feels right to me in the moment, and I can accept whatever the consequences might be, then I’m in. I don’t give credence to any double standards between the sexes in regards to the quickness of sex. I’m selective, with changing wants and needs over time, and according to each circumstance. My ideal is a lasting companionship- but delaying sex an arbitrary amount of time is not going to make that possibility more likely, nor will it determine, in my mind, whether or not a mutual respect exists between two people. If it feels right, I’m go for take off, working with the information I have at the time.

Needless to say, he stayed the night. We were in bed for hours, and to this day, I don’t feel bad about it.
Though by now any astute reader has caught on to my use of the past tense as foreshadow; for, why else would I be writing this? The truth is, I have begun to seriously doubt my ability to judge men, to read what people are doing when I’m inside the situation. With someone else, I can see it a mile away- but when it’s me, clouds descend. I have been in bad relationships and good ones. I’ve had experience with abuse. All I want is to seek, in earnest, perspective on how I might improve upon that seeming ineptness on my part.

Before the date, he pursued me. After, he did not. Except in text message form. He phoned one time after we met, one time alone- when I basically insisted we speak and not text, the week I had a car wreck and health issues spring up simultaneously. He said I shouldn’t question his motives based on something as trite as phoning- but on his actions in the long run. He said he didn’t have enough minutes on his phone, he hated talking on the phone anyway, and he was simply too busy with his 2 kids and work to call. We were having lengthy quasi-discourses via text, to the point where the blatant irony of it stared me stupidly in the face. The simple truth to me was: I wasn’t a priority.

I asked if he’d like to meet again, and he said, if he could borrow his brother’s car and could afford it, during an upcoming weekend. That weekend came 2 weeks later, and went. He grew volatile with me when I wanted to do more than text, more than once, threatening to “cut it off”, unless I could give him a reason he should “roll the dice on me”.

I told him I couldn’t make him care about me; either he did or didn’t, and I didn’t understand the anger in his responses. I asked him what he wanted, and never got a straight answer.

Several days go by and I don’t attempt to reach him. Valentine’s Day comes, and that evening he texts saying he’s sorry it’s been a few days since he was in touch, but apparently he had a stroke. I sympathize with him, tell him I’m here if he wants to talk, and nothing changes. Several more days pass, and then the message comes: “So this is a fresh start is it?”

I never answered. I didn’t hear from him again. I’m fairly certain he just didn’t give a shit, or just wasn’t in a good place to consider anything with a woman who lived 4 hours away anyway, wasn’t into me, or whatever. Before we’d even met, he said he was “falling for me fast”. The night we had our date he told me: “Only one kind of guy does my job for a living- an asshole.” His job- by the way- not in computers, as his profile attests, but as a bouncer for a night club. I didn’t really know him at all.

I’ve been feeling a bit down on myself for playing pony to him- I ended up apologizing during his temperamental outbursts related to our text-only interactions- while he proclaimed I was delusional and didn’t “know how these things work in the real world”. Again, for wanting us to speak by phone, not just text.

I deleted my okcupid profile. I started thinking I have no clear idea of how to tell if someone’s being sincere. Truthfully, I feel stupid and a little hurt. But I know there are men out there who feel this way too, and I’m not harboring any sexist resentment. I take responsibility for my actions.

I know the adage about actions, not words. I know about red flags; I saw some of them here. I know that it is more or less smarter for women (especially one who currently feels vulnerable) not to initiate things with a man, and I’m not. I only put a month’s worth of time into this whole thing, before walking away. But it would be much more worthwhile if I could choose more wisely from the start.

Does a woman’s willingness to engage sexually early on represent to most men as: no assembly required? Or have I yet to simply find one who is into me? What should I work on in myself, in order to send out the signals I mean to, to those I mean to?

 

If it feels right to me in the moment, and I can accept whatever the consequences might be, then I’m in.

Orly? Because the 1381 words above say differently.The problem here is that you are experiencing a profound cognitive dissonance. You tell yourself how okay you are if the sex turns into nothing more, but you’re clearly not. Let me break this scenario down for you, as it’s not nearly as unique or uncommon as you’ve imagined it to be in your head. Ready?

This guy is down and out and has no options. He met someone woman who sounds to be equally, shall we say, unsettled and forgiving. He’s broke, works some menial wage job, has little money, etc. Guess what? He rarely gets laid. That’s why he was willing to drive 4 hours for sex. There was not some incredible gravitational pull forcing you two together. This wasn’t fate or kismet or happenstance.

The problem isn’t online dating or that these men are shady. For the most part, these guys reveal exactly who they are. The problem is that people often refuse to challenge assumptions or perform the slightest bit of critical thinking.I loathe trite expressions about how women should watch a man’s actions, not his words. This is a perfect example why sayings like that are misleading. This guy drove four hours, which to many women would say that he was genuine and interested. Except he wasn’t. He was desperate. Don’t just look at someone’s actions. Compare those actions to what you know to be typical or “normal” and ask yourself why someone would behave in such a way. Observe. Compare. Deduce.

Someone submitted a story a few months ago about a guy she met online who was, in her words, “The OK Cupid Unicorn.” This unicorn, this catch, managed to multiple nights free in succession. Now, if he were the unicorn she believed, wouldn’t it stand to reason that this guy had other women just as interested? That’s what critical thinking is is all about. Don’t just take what is presented to you at face-value. Examine it.

You should also examine your own motives. To me, you seem to just want attention. Hence the insane length of this letter and all of the unnecessary details and rational and reasonable thinking. There’s the cognitive dissonance again.You knew the whole time that this wasn’t a productive experience. You pursued it any way. Why?

You got caught up in the attention. That’s what you miss. Not the guy himself. You miss the attention. That’s why you’re here. You are trying to fill that void. That’s also probably why you had this experience in the first place. The fact that you even entertained a guy 4 hours away tells me you weren’t looking for much beyond a little drama and attention.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: casual sex, Critical Thinking, Date Like a Man, Dating, Getting Too Invested Too Soon, Hook Up Culture, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

True or False: A Woman Can Get Laid Whenever She Wants

February 18, 2013 by 76 Comments

On the topic of women who seek casual/nsa/non-monogamous sex/relationships, G. writes:

“I’d say there are two assumptions:  one is that a woman, no matter what she says, is always “looking” for a more-than-sexual relationship should one present itself and two, as you said, is that a woman can get “just sex” pretty much anytime she wants, without much effort.  So, a woman who seeks “causal sex” or selects it on her profile is suspect.” – G. , Male, 37, NYC

Thoughts?

I think there is some truth to this. However, I think the men who might see these women as suspect probably would have eventually rejected them anyway. If they can’t take a woman’s choice to seek casual sex at face value then that speaks to their pre-conceived ideas about women in general. Seeking sex in some form is merely an outlier of the woman’s personality and belief system. These women would not be compatible with a man who felt she should keep certain carnal desires to herself. Or these guys have a general mistrust of women. Either way, why bother with such men?

Yes, it’s pretty easily to just get sex if that’s what you want. But it’s even easier if you use online dating. Sure, a woman could go out to a party or a bar if she liked. But what if she can’t be bothered to do that? What if she doesn’t have that kind of time or money? What’s wrong with optimizing her online dating experience by using it to find sex? I’m guessing the issue is it’s because she’s being overt about it. See my previous point.

I do agree that “just sex” to men and “just sex” to women is often different. A lot of men are less discerning. As we said last week, for many men attraction isn’t even necessary. I don’t know if many women share that opinion or experience. For some men, “casual ” just means available. When some woman seek “casual” they also often seeks consistency and a sense of companionship or just rapport. But they can want those other aspects without wanting commitment. I guess the segment of men who believe that is just small?

I’m curious to hear what others think about G’s quote.

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Friends With Benefits, Gender Roles, Hook Up Culture, Sex, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is He Just Sleeping With You While He Looks For a Girlfriend?

December 3, 2012 by 102 Comments

Name: Nicole
Age: 32
State: Vu
Question: Dear Moxie — I have a question about online dating and exclusivity that’s sort of tangentially related to your most recent piece on whether or not first-date sex is always the kiss of death. My specific question may be a topic you’ve covered in a previous blog, but I can’t find anything similar in the archives so I thought I would ask it again.

I’ve been on OKC in my area for a little more than 2 months. I’ve gone on a fair number of dates (I think I’ve met 12-13 people in that time), but I’ve only felt strongly about 2 (in one case, I was into the guy but it wasn’t reciprocal, and in the other case the guy is not only geographically undesirable but geographically impossible. He lives in CA and I live in VA).

Anyway, I finally found someone that I like, and we’ve been out on 4 dates in the span of 8 days. The dates have gotten progressively better/more comfortable and yes – things have gotten physical. Everything in this guy’s profile — and everything that he’s said while we’ve been out — indicate that he’s looking for a girlfriend, and not just looking to screw around. (And yes, I know that he could still be full of sh** about this, but the sense I’m getting is that he wants a girlfriend.)

So here’s the deal: I know that this is OKC, and that with this site (and with any other online dating site) you have to assume that the person you’re seeing is seeing multiple other people at once. I’m positive in this case that this guy is (or at least should/could be) seeing other people; he’s 33 and extremely attractive and educated and successful (He’s an OKC unicorn, really). I can’t fault him for this and I know it’s way to early to ask for (or even discuss) seeing each other exclusively.

That said, I don’t want to be the girl he is f***ing while he looks for a “real” girlfriend, if that makes any sense. In other words, I am happy (OK, not *happy,* but at peace with) being one of multiple people he’s seeing before deciding on which one to consider his “girlfriend.” But, because I slept with him relatively soon (on date 3), I’m concerned that he’s not considering me “girlfriend material” and that I’m just in his “rotation” for possible sex when he’s bored or otherwise available.

Is there any way to delicately broach this in conversation (ie, ask him if he sees any LTR potential with us or not) or do I just let it go and ride it out until he either a) dumps me, or b) we end up dating exclusively? Like I said, I know I have to accept he’s going to be seeing other people, especially since we’ve known each other a week. But if he doesn’t consider us to have any LTR potential, I’d rather cut my losses now and take myself out of the running before I become too emotionally attached.

Thoughts? Are there signs I should look for that will tell me that I’m just someone to sleep with and not a potential GF? Or can I come out and ask?

You’ve only had 4 dates.  I think you’re going to have to suck it up for awhile. If things are moving as quickly as you say, then it sounds like he’ll tell you if he wants to be serious or exclusive. A number of successive dates doesn’t always mean that you and the guy are on the same page. Take this scenario for example:

I had about 5 dates with a guy. About 2 a week. I liked him, I enjoyed him, I was attracted to him, the sex was good. But I wasn’t feeling that “thing” we all like to feel for people we’re dating. Not yet, at least.  But I liked him enough to just keep my mouth shut and go along until things either progressed or  came to their natural conclusion. One night, while texting, he invited me over to watch a particular TV show that I like. I was exhausted. I turned him down. Two nights later I get a call and he wants to talk about where we were headed. He said that he was looking for something mid to long term and he didn’t feel that’s where we were headed. I said okay. Just..okay. He then went on to say that we had plans the next night and wondered if I still wanted to go out or did I feel it was a waste of time. I said I thought it was a waste of time. Just that. “I think that would be a waste of time.” He then went on to tell me how much he’s enjoyed being with me and getting to know me. I told him I appreciated that. Then we hung up. The next day I realized that he was feeling me out to see how I felt. I knew when I turned down his offer to go over to his place to watch TV, I was probably sending a certain message. I wasn’t ready to shut the door just yet. I just needed time to figure things out. Since I wasn’t in a rush I figured I had time.

You said it yourself: you’ve met the OKCupid Unicorn. Instead of trouble shooting this after 4 dates, why not just enjoy it? At any given time, you might be the girl that a guy is “just sleeping with” as he continues his search for Ms. Right. There’s no escaping that. Even if you ask him where you stand, he could still tell you what you want to hear only to dump you a couple weeks or months later. It’s just too soon for both of you to tell where things are headed. Bring it up now, and you’ll possibly do damage to what you’ve established. Let go of this need to “know.” Stop fearing that you might get dumped or that you’re just a step along his journey to twu wuv. That’s dating. It won’t kill you. The more you do it, the more you build up a tolerance.

Men and women can go along to get along for a very long time. There’s no way to know for sure what they’re thinking. Even asking them doesn’t guarantee that how they say they feel in that moment will be how they feel in 2 months. There is no way to make these things fool-proof. If he does move on, it doesn’t mean you were a speed bump. He could have been giving you a trial run. It didn’t work. He took a pass.

If you insist upon saying something, and I highly advise that you don’t, then you just need to be honest. Just ask him if he’s dating anyone else. Then you’ll have your answer.

 

Stop fearing that you might get dumped or that you’re just a step along his journey. That’s dating. It won’t kill you. – Click to Tweet this.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Dating, Hook Up Culture, OKCupid, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Is Looking For a Man Who Will Commit A Waste of Time?

September 5, 2012 by 66 Comments

Name: Becky
Age: 23
State:
Question: I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 months. When I was younger it wasn’t big deal to me, but now it’s getting frustrating. About myself, looks wise I want to say I’m higher than average, I’m in shape, very feminine, and I have a great job in sales, this translates me to having great communication skills and can carry on a conversation with anyone without dominating the conversation. I typically never have a problem getting a first date, second date or even third. However getting past that is hard with someone I genuinely think I could see myself with. Obviously, I realize I’m the common factor here. I’ve thought of 3 things I’m thinking could be the issue, but I’m wondering if there is something you can give me insight in that I’m not seeing.

1.      I’m terrible at the playing hard to get. When I think someone is equally interested in me I get really excited and start to text them as much as I would a good friend and I text a lot. I think this over eagerness sometimes might be scaring guys off.

2.      I’m really bad about jumping into bed with people on the 2nd or 3rd date. Sometimes I wonder if I had waited longer and made sure there was a deeper connection maybe they would have respected me more to want to develop a relationship with me.

3.      I’m not sure I’m dating the right type of guys. I usually date guys much older than myself. The youngest guy I’ve dated in awhile is 30, but usually they are in their mid-30s. I like to think I’m attracted to the older guys because they are more stable and in a place I don’t feel like many people my age are, but I am. I also pick guys who I don’t feel like would be up to my standards (intellectually, education, job, multiple kids), but I like to give them a chance. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and usually my gut about those guys was correct to begin with.

Are any of these a giant red flag that I shouldn’t be doing? Or maybe you’ve picked up on it being something completely different I haven’t even figured out yet. I just want to start dating again, but I want to do it better and more successfully. Thank you.

 

Before I answer your questions, I wanted to include a posting in a list serv I belong to called Help a Reporter. The gist of the list serv is that writers post story and article ideas and ask for feedback and contributions from writers, experts and lay people. Here’s one post that was in yesterday’s newsletter:

I’m writing an article for Match.com’s Happen mag about the
two-month mark as a relationship milestone that many
relationships just can’t make it past. What is it about the
8-week point that can bring on the fizzling of interest?

 

The first thing you should know is that your experience is not atypical. The two-month mark appears to be the norm nowadays. With all the options out there, people don’t have to commit as quickly, if at all. Many men and women actually like dating multiple people and casually dating. It works for them. The simple reason why it’s harder to find a man to commit is because there are fewer men willing to or interested in committing. If women continue to look for those needles in the haystack, they need to understand that that search is going to take much, much longer than they originally expected. If it’s commitment they want, and they’re dating on a schedule, they best get comfortable with the idea of “settling.”

Now, as for the three points you mentioned might be working against you.

Whether you text “too much” is subjective. I don’t know how these men are responding or the frequency of their responses. As a general rule of thumb, I don’t prolong text conversations and pay attention to cues. If his responses are clipped or delayed, I keep the conversation short and sweet. If he seems as engaged as I do, then I just enjoy the back and forth. Typically, though, I save most communication for when we’re together or on the phone. I do think it’s wise to be a little less available. There’s no harm in maintaining  some mystery. Don’t let the guy know you’re hooked. You can let him know you’re interested. Just don’t play your hand too soon and let him know you’re ga ga.

As for the sex….that’s probably not an issue either. The idea that a man likes a challenge and will lose interest if you sleep with him too soon is a fallacy developed by women and insecure men. The more accessible women make sex, the less valuable it becomes in the dating market place. That means that sex is no longer the bargaining chip or “prize” that can be used to get certain behavior from men. Hence why so many women are trying to poison the well by telling women they need to keep their legs closed or risk never finding a manz. The idea of a “deep connection” and wanting to be recognized for “sharing your body” are romantic notions also manufactured by women. In other words, most men don’t think like that. So unless you’re attaching inordinate expectations to the sex, the sex itself isn’t the problem either. As long as you’re not romanticizing the act of having sex with a man and aren’t using it to gain something other than pleasure, you’re fine.

Your third point is more troubling. You’re admitting that you choose inappropriate men, yet you’re confused as to why these men aren’t sticking around. They’re not sticking around because they aren’t appropriate for you. Sure, you might think that they are more on your level in terms of stability and education. But they likely don’t feel the same about you. If anything, they’re dating you because you’re not mature enough.  We’ve discussed this before. Men don’t look too closely at a woman’s earning potential or education level when trying to determine compatibility. Those things fall pretty low on the list of priorities. You’re fun to hang out with and bang for a few months. Ultimately, the difference in maturity levels and lifestyles become too apparent to them. If they’re looking for someone to be the mother to their children, that driven career woman side of you is a negative. They’d rather find someone who wouldn’t mind putting their career on hold for a few years. So they’ll settle down with a woman who has already achieved a certain level of professional success or someone with no real career aspirations.

I think you’re biggest challenge is your ego and what you think you deserve. I think you tend to see yourself with a specific type of person. Someone who you feel is on your level. The problem is that most of the men you appear to pursue don’t find any of the things you find important as important. To them, you’re pretty much just a hot 23 year old. You’re fun for awhile, but then they find someone they can take seriously.

My advice is to start dating men who are more appropriate for you and get a clear understanding of what men consider important and attractive. Your diploma, job, apartment, etc are pretty much irrelevant to these men. You also need to understand, especially amongst the men you tend to gravitate towards, that commitment isn’t a priority. Either accept the fact that you’re going to be part of a harem or readjust your expectations as to what you “deserve.” And PS? You can develop your own harem, you know. Men did not corner the market on that idea. You’re 23 and really attractive. Jesus. Work it. Enjoy it. You can date a handful of guys that each meet a specific need. Just understand that if settling down and having kids is a priority, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices and compromises eventually.

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, First Impressions, Hook Up Culture, Meeting Men, Monogamy, Sex, sexuality, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

First Date Second Guessing

August 26, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: Roo
Age: 39
State: NYC
Question:  Had a date Friday with a woman from Match. We met for drinks then went to a comedy show and then had another drink after. It was getting late and I had to get home to walk my dog. I suggested she come back to my place with me and we could get my dog and walk her together. We get to my place and my date says she’s tired. I say she can crash at my place if she wants and that I’d walk my dog by myself and she could go to bed. I was gone about 15-20 minutes when she called me asking when I’d be back. I returned to my place about 10 minutes later.* When I got home my date told me she was going to go home because she didn’t feel right staying over after the first date. She said “we could do that on the second date.” I’m trying to figure out what happened and whether I should contact her again for a second date. Thanks.

*Edited – The OP emailed me and said he checked his phone to see when she called him. He said he wasn’t gone longer than 20-25 minutes  AND that the woman in question is a dog owner herself.

What happened was that she changed her mind. You know that. The true question is why. The most probable answer is that she felt staying over on the first date was a bad move. What she failed to consider was that changing her mind and leaving after she agreed to stay over is the real bad move here. She didn’t have to have sex with you or fool around. She could have just slept there. If you were a dick about her not wanting to have sex then she’d have her answer and would waste no further time. Instead she sat in your apartment and analyzed the situation to death. She probably texted her friends, too, telling them the haps. Giiirrrl, go home now. He won’t respect you!

OR…

She wasn’t terribly interested in the first place and took advantage of the window of opportunity you provided for her by leaving her alone in your apartment.

OR..

She snooped around your apartment while you were gone and saw something that turned her off/scared her/made her think you have a girlfriend or are otherwise disingenuous.

OR…

She felt sick, got her period or felt she was too tipsy to sleep over.

I’m leaning towards the likelihood that she either over-analyzed the situation or found something in your apartment that turned her off. I can remember the first time I saw the apartment of a man I was dating. In his kitchen were an array of plastic, multi-colored steak knives hung on a decorative rack on the wall. He said that he used to keep regular steel steak knives there, but took them down after one woman he dated saw them, freaked out and left. The first time I stayed over, he said I was “free to look through his medicine cabinet.” Another woman he dated did that and found his Ambien prescription, which then led to an inquiry about why he was taking it, what else was he on, where there is smoke there’s fire, etc. My point is that people will create a back story if it suits them.

Oh, something else you shouldn’t do? You shouldn’t leave strangers alone in your apartment. You’re mighty trusting. While I don’t think she’d steal anything, she’s still likely to totally violate your privacy by snooping. Her rationalization would be that she was making sure you weren’t a serial killer instead of, like, just not going home with you. Leave a woman to her own devices and she will create a story in her head of how things will play out. It becomes a Choose Your On Adventure exercise, with multiple endings. Sadly, most women choose the wrong ending.

I’m not sure what is so magical about the second date other than it’s not the dreaded first date. Another illogical rationalization. First date sex is a bad move. Second date sex is totally better. If she knows she’d be comfortable after 2 dates, then why wait to stay over? Forget it. That’s a rhetorical question. I know the answer – because she’s immature.

Should you call ask her out again? Go ahead. Personally, this sort if behavior would turn me off completely. She didn’t own her choice. She is still dating by antiquated rules created by self-sabotaging women. Plus she kinda nagged you as to your whereabouts. After a first date. You’re a 39  year old man in Manhattan. There are plenty of other women to date. This has already stalled a bit. Now you’re going to have to “prove” you’re not just out to have sex with her.Your choice, though.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

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Filed Under: After The First Date, Awkward, Date Like a Man, Dating, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, Hook Up Culture, Sex, sexuality, Snooping Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Things You Should Never Admit In a Dating Profile..Or Maybe Ever

August 2, 2012 by 69 Comments

When it comes to dating, there are certain confessions that people really should to themselves.

I can remember reading a man’s profile once and came across something that gave me pause. He answered the question “Are you an honorable person” by saying that he wasn’t an honorable person int he past but was “working on it.”

Oooooh. Dish, girlfriend. Intrigued by his “refreshing honesty” I emailed him and asked him what he meant by that statement. Of course he answered because, well, why else would he admit that in his dating profile? He said that he had cheated on pretty much every woman he’s ever dated. But he was committed to changing.

Oh. Well then.

When people make shocking admissions like this, be it in a profile or in conversation, it’s usually strategic. Sometimes they’re conscious and aware of what they are doing. Other times…not so much.

Here are some things you should reveal with caution. Or maybe not at all.

1. That one time, in band camp? - Yeah, leave those wild nights when you were in college or that time you pulled a train in the past. Sadly, thanks to advancements in technology, some young people’s bad decisions can haunt them all over the internet. The co-ed porn niche is extremely popular. Personally, it skeeves me out, because you just know those kids aren’t thinking clearly or are trusting the wrong people. Your experiences as you explored and expressed your sexuality are yours. Those choices might have made perfect sense to you and you might feel totally comfortable with them, but people will judge you.   There are, of course, people out there who are not intimidated by such stories. At the very least, practice good judgment. You know what will make you sound shady or might imply that you have poor judgment. That’s the stuff you keep to yourself. You’re not obligated to share glimpses of your sexual history with your new partner. Nor do you owe anyone an explanation for your choices.

2. That you’ve been dumped/friend zoned a lot - Nobody wants to date someone that they know is constantly being tossed back into the water. You don’t want to plant seeds of doubt into anybody’s mind about your ability to function in a relationship. Nor do you want to make yourself sound unattractive. We want people who are desired by others. Remember that.

3. That a former employer was arrested/investigated/fled the country – A confession like this should come only when you and the other person have developed a baseline and a sense of each other’s character. Often times, an employee is oblivious to the shady dealings of their employer. But just as often, they are very aware of the illegal and nefarious activities that go on in that corner office.

4. That you cheated - Here’s the thing about hooking up with people with girlfriends or boyfriends. By doing so, they are telling you they don’t care what you think of them. In fact, they don’t really care about you at all most of the time. I know women LOVE to ask probing questions so that they can build faux intimacy with a man. If someone admits to infidelity or some other questionable behavior, don’t automatically assume that that kind of honesty is a positive thing.  Some people are actually proud of being a douchebag.

5. That you were abused in some way- Again, this is something that should only be revealed once true intimacy and trust has been established. It sucks, but many people hear such things and immediately assume that survivor is damaged in some way. It’s a scary thing to admit, but it’s also unsettling to hear, as it makes you wonder how such abuse affected their relationship and interpersonal skills.

6. That you haven’t had a relationship in a long time - Sorry, kids, but this question is a total trap. Lie. Lie your face off if you’ve been out of a relationship for more than a couple years. Better yet, don’t ask this question. If you do, don’t judge. The new reality now, thanks to online dating,  is that many if not most people have a spotty relationship history. The ‘”new normal” so to speak is to date someone for a handful of months here and there. Just because someone hasn’t been in a long term committed relationship in a few years is no longer a reflection on their ability to be in a long term relationship. Lots of people now are perfectly content with casually dating. By choice. Again, welcome to the “new normal.”

7. That you haven’t had sex in a long time – I know. You think it makes you sound discerning. But, let;s face it, people will wonder why you couldn’t get any for the last 9 months. Getting sex is far too easy nowadays. If you haven’t had sex in awhile, either you couldn’t find anybody to have sex with you, don’t have a solid sex drive, or have sexual hang ups. At least that is what many people will assume. On the same note, keep the fact that you just got laid a few recently to yourself as well. Here’s a good rule of thumb. Don’t talk about your sex life at all unless you’re in trusted company.

8. That you’re a recovering addict - We all assume, if someone says they never drink, that they are either a recovering alcoholic or a health nut. Sadly, people have preconceived ideas about recovery and sobriety and addiction. This is something you only reveal when you feel comfortable and know you won’t be shamed or judged. Always make your sobriety a priority.

9. That you’re a frequent drug or alcohol user - Keep the frequency in which you drink, smoke or take drugs to yourself. If you wouldn’t be public about that sort of thing on Facebook, you probably shouldn’t be putting it in a dating profile or revealing it to random strangers you meet.

10. That you had a messy break-up/divorce – Talk about foreshadowing. Keep any and all relationship/divorce drama off the table. Like, for good.

11. That you have a physical or mental illness of some kind – A close friend suffers from a manageable condition. He doesn’t typically tell anyone until he feels things are getting consistent or “serious.” Illness makes us appear weak. Unfortunately, many people are ignorant to most diseases and stigmas are alive and well. This is a revelation that should only come once trust and comfort is established.

12. That you’re unemployed - There are crafty ways to make it clear you are not steadily employed without telling people you don’t have a job. You can say you’re exploring a new field and are lucky to have the flexibility to do so. At our He Said/She Said event the other night, one man made it very clear would never date someone who didn’t have a job. Any job. He didn’t care if the person was supporting themselves through a savings or inheritance. They must, have. a . job. I;m not sure most people are that stringent. Though some are, apparently.

Anything else?

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Lies, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Happy & Healthy, He Said/She Said, Hook Up Culture, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Understanding Men, Understanding Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

What Do So Many Men Like To Talk About Sex On a 1st Date?

April 23, 2012 by 30 Comments

I have gone on 5 dates this year that were disasters. Immediately (within the first 15 minutes )they asked or hinted that they’d like to sleep with me before even making decent conversation. – Ariel

I have tried before and seem to attract very sweet, attractive men who don’t know how to take care of themselves….not to mention…managing a woman OR men whose conversation is nothing but sexual. – Gina

 

Okey dokes. I want to get to the bottom of this. What, exactly, are these men saying that have ladies believe that they are “just” trying to get into their pants?

Is it me or does this seem to be a very common complaint?

I have a few theories about this phenomenon. Feel free to express your thoughts.

1. The women voicing this complaint are using sex or the idea of sex to sell themselves online. When the man takes the bait, the woman sees that as a sign that he “just” wants sex. Self-fulfilling prophecy at work.

2. The men are horribly socially awkward and don’t realize that what they’re saying is inappropriate.

3. The men are testing the women to see how uptight they are or using inflammatory statements to try and control the dynamic and make the woman vulnerable.

4. These women are picking men based on looks and charm, and probably delving out of their league a bit, and the men are taking them out hoping they can get them in to bed with no interest in anything more. Therefore they don’t care if they offend the ladies with their sexual commentary.

5. These women are all making this all up so that they sound less rigid and picky.

The only time any guy has made any kind of sexual comment towards me on a first date is when I have done something to give him the green light OR because he assumed what I did for a living made me more sexually liberal.

I admit that the persona I have developed has probably forced me to grow a thicker skin and therefore I shrug most of this stuff off now. I also tend to avoid the guys who make their lack of social graces obvious in their profiles or in their email exchanges. Any whiff of too much innuendo and I bail.

I mentioned a few months ago that an ad for Match.com caught my eye. In the commercial, the woman was saying to the man that iPhone users have more sex. The man replied and said he had an Android. The woman laughed and said, “Too bad for you.”

Now, it’s weird to me that a) they would show this exchange at all given how sleazy it could make online dating appear, especially given Match’s recent legal issues surrounding sexual predators using their site and b) it was made to seem as though the woman was the one to initiate the conversation. What are potential users supposed to take from that ad? According to two close male friends, that is a pretty accurate depiction of many of their first online dates. Yet we rarely hear men complain that a woman was tossing around sexual innuendo over cocktails.

I am not saying that I don’t think men who make lecherous comments on a  first date don’t exist. What I’m questioning is how it is possible that so many women seem to have the exact same experience and whether their perceptions are accurate.

So…what do you guys think?

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Date Like a Man, Dating, Hook Up Culture, Men To Avoid, Online Dating, Oral Sex, Red Flags, Sex Tagged With: , , , ,

Are You As Good In Bed As You Think?

March 29, 2012 by 10 Comments

I was reading an interesting article today entitled, “Ladies, You’re Not As Good As You Think.”

The author, Chris Jones, was giving the ladies a little what for about trying a little bit harder in bed.

I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there. That’s only natural, of course. There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.

This goes both ways, of course. Good sex has many definitions and is often subjective. What’s good to some might be meh to others. What one person considers “kinky” might be vanilla to another person.  I often read articles written by women who go on and on and about their supposed kinks and think, “Really? That’s kinky?” Like spanking or having their hair pulled. To me, that’s vanilla because those activities seem so common.

I think a lot of us believe that we’re much better in bed than we think. Because, let’s be honest, who is going to tell us we’re not?  I also think we can delude ourselves into believing that sex with a certain person was far superior than it actually was. We’re sure that they are experiencing what we are experiencing in that moment. Sometimes they are. But just as often, that look on their face isn’t lust or passion. It’s wonderment. You’ve become an experiment to them. You just don’t know it. You leave thinking that the chemistry is more powerful than it is. But it’s not. And they are not nearly as skilled as you believed. They just allowed you to lie to yourself while they lay back and reaped the benefits of your delusion. Once that haze clears and you see things as they are, you realize that they actually contributed very little to the experience.They did not possess any kind of skill. Just a willingness to let you do all the work.

Then there are the times where you waltz into an experience believing you brought more to the party than you really did. Your lover requests a certain position that is foreign to you, or requests an act that you’ve never tried. Yes, I know. You once felt that girl’s boobies in college, maybe you even slid a hand down inside her panties and wiggled it around a bit. Or maybe you dated a girl in college who once tied you up and had her way with you while playing Madonna’s Justify My Love or Erotica in the background. (I still have that image burned in to my brain after walking in on a college roommate trying that one.) There’s a vast difference between those occasional experiences and living a lifestyle.

We thrill at the idea of a man telling us to get down on our knees so he can give us a facial. We embrace that “slutty” side of ourselves. But when he asks if he can tie you up and make you watch as he has sex with another woman, that’s a different story. Those are the moments where we become acutely aware of our boundaries. But which boundaries and other outliers help us decide who is bad, good or great in bed?

There are two red flags for me that I believe hints at a person’s lack of sexual technique and desire.

First? They brag.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m wary of a man who goes in to any kind of detail in his profile about his sexual prowess and appetite. The few times I’ve actually engaged one of these men, I’ve been greatly disappointed. People – men and women – who feel the need to tell people how great they are in bed rarely actually are. That’s usually bravado at work.  They need to believe they bring something to the table. Something where they are superior than their peers and competitors. I now equate someone’s bragging and broadcasting with “emotionally stunted.” Yes, they very well might give me a mind blowing orgasm. But they’ll also give me a headache from having to deal with their baggage and issues. The only way they know how to connect with another person is through sex.

Second?  They have  arbitrary rules that must be followed before they have sex or do something sexual. I was meeting with someone today (the woman I’ll be doing out Blog Talk radio show with starting in April) and we were reviewing online dating profiles for a show segment.  I told her that I was suspicious of any man who answered No to the the OK Cupid question about whether or not he’d have sex on a first date. I understand that many men will say No because they don’t want to look like they’re just looking for sex. I get that. But even that is an expression of insecurity to me. Either don’t answer the question at all, or say Yes. Call me crazy, but I would avoid the men who answer No to this particular question. Either they have “rules” they need to follow or they are so afraid of losing out on an opportunity that they lie. Sexual chemistry is in the top three must haves for a relationship. Without great (and frequent) sex, the emotional intimacy suffers. Equally important, especially for me since I have a strong personality, is a confidence and a comfort in their own skin.Equally suspicious are women who seek casual sex but refuse to have sex with any guy that they meet until they’ve had at least one meeting. Meaning they won’t have sex with them until they’ve met up at least twice.

 

So here are my questions do you, my dear readers.

1. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were great in bed and realized you weren’t as good as you think?

2. What signs do you look for that help you determine if someone is going to be good or not so good in bed?

3. Have you ever thought someone would be great in bed and wasn’t? What did you do?

 

I was reading an interesting article today entitled, “Ladies, You’re Not As Good As You Think.” 

The author, Chris Jones, was giving the ladies a little what for about trying a little bit harder in bed.

I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there. That’s only natural, of course. There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.

This goes both ways, of course. Good sex has many definitions and is often subjective. What’s good to some might be meh to others. What one person considers “kinky” might be vanilla to another person. And so on. I often read articles written by women who go on and on and about their supposed kinks and think, “Really? That’s kinky?” Like spanking or having their hair pulled.
I think a lot of us believe that we’re much better in bed than we think. Because, let’s be honest, who is going to tell us we’re not?  I also think we can delude ourselves into believing that sex with a certain better was far superior than it actually was. We’re sure that they are experiencing what we are experiencing in that moment. Sometimes they are. But just as often, that look on their face isn’t lust or passion. It’s wonderment. You’ve become an experiment to them. You just don’t know it. You leave thinking that the chemistry is more powerful than it is. But it’s not. And they are not nearly as skilled as you believed. They just allowed you to lie to yourself while they lay back and reaped the benefits of your delusion. One that haze clears and you see things as they are, you realize that they actually contributed very little to the experience.They did not possess any kind of skill. Just a willingness to let you do all the work.
Then there are the times where you waltz into an experience believing you brought more to the party than you really did. Your lover requests a certain position that is foreign to you, or requests an act that you’ve never tried. Yes, I know. You once felt that girl’s boobies in college, maybe you even slid a hand down inside her panties and wiggled it around a bit. Or maybe you dated a girl in college who once tied you up and had her way with you while playing Madonna’s Justify My Love or  Erotica in the background. (I still have that image burned in to my brain after walking in on a college roommate trying that one.) There’s a vast difference between those occasional experiences and living a lifestyle.
We thrill at the idea of a man telling us to get down on our knees so he can give us a facial. We embrace that “slutty” side of ourselves. Many of us have even decided to take back the word “slut” and embrace it. But when he asks if he can tie you up and make you watch as he has sex with another woman, that’s a different story. Those are the moments where we become acutely aware of our boundaries.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m wary of a man who goes in to any kind of detail in his profile about his sexual prowess and appetite. The few times I’ve actually engaged one of these men, I’ve been greatly disappointed. People – men and women – who feel the need to tell people how great they are in bed rarely actually are. That’s usually bravado at work.  They need to believe they bring something to the table. Something where they are superior than their peers and competitors. I know equate someone’s bragging and broadcasting with “emotionally stunted.” Yes, they very well might give me a mind blowing orgasm. But they’ll also give me a headache from having to deal with their baggage and issues. The only way they know how to connect with another person is through sex.

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Filed Under: Awkward, casual sex, Dating, Hook Up Culture, Kinky, Oral Sex, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The Search For Casual Sex

February 6, 2012 by 19 Comments

I spent about an hour and a half today reviewing profiles of both men and women on OKCupid. Today’s search was a little different. I did a search strictly for men and women who select “casual sex” as a dating option.

I’ve done sessions with people who are getting back in to the dating scene. They want to date but they’re not quite ready for something serious. I advise them to create two different profiles. One for long term dating, one for casual dating/sex. I explained that they wouldn’t be taken seriously by anybody who might want a relationship should they select casual sex as an interest.

Here’s something that the women noticed. They received a number of email responses to their casual sex profile. Duh. Many of their responses came from men who presented themselves in their own profile as seeking a serious relationship. The men admitted that they were open to a casual relationship but felt that women might judge them if they are upfront about that.

I contacted a few of the women on OKC who posted an ad looking for casual sex (as well as long/short term dating)  and asked them about their experience. As expected, they all received  a number of emails that sounded like letters from prison inmates. Most of these women stated in their profiles that they weren’t looking for a one night stand. They were looking for something “consistent” and ongoing,  just free of obligation or commitment. Unfortunately, as we know, many men will agree to whatever the woman requests if it means getting laid. A couple of the women said that they learned how to sniff out the one offs pretty quickly. They wanted to meet right away, they didn’t ask them any questions. It was all very impersonal.

It seems the most successful way women seek casual sex online is to present themselves as looking for a relationship or at least a date. That way they can weed out many of the more socially inept horndogs. Then, once out on the date, they let things unfold naturally any then either propose the guy go home with them or wait for the guy to make an overture and so he can think it was all his idea. I have to say that I think this is the best course of action.

The trick, it seems, is getting these men to get together again. Not in a month or a couple weeks, either. Sooner. This is where many women stumble. People say that if the sex is good the guy will return. What they don’t say is that the guy will return eventually. Not right away. Sure, it might start off consistent. But it would quickly deteriorate in to the occasional last minute text every 2-3 weeks asking them to get together. So the only option the woman has is to go back on line and develop a stable of lovers that she can rotate.

Here’s the other hurdle that women seem to have to overcome when seeking casual sex online is that they immediately get classified by many guys (but not all) as “damaged goods.”  It’s understandable that some men might look at their ads and wonder if the profiles in this category are akin to items in a discard bin at a department store. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have the same impression of some of the the male profiles in this category. Most of the men were simply…undesirable. Not because they liked sex or were seeking it. I’m talking more about their overall look. They appeared worn. Overweight. Just physically unattractive. Have they been weeded out of the dating pool or did they remove themselves? That wasn’t something I ever wanted to find out. But if I’m thinking that about the men, it made me wonder if men had similar thoughts about the women with a similar pursuit.

It seems as though if people are honest about their intentions, they are damned if they do or don’t. In return for being honest, they are judged. But the question is….are they being judged unfairly or incorrectly? Are these men and women cast offs of sorts? Rejects? Damaged in some way?

Is it possible to find what many women call a “consistent” casual relationship or is that a myth?

Do men even want that or would they prefer “consistent” casual sex with multiple partners?

Isn’t it possible for a man or woman to seek both casual sex and a relationship? Or does it have to be one or the other?

If you’re a woman or man who has sought casual sex online 9especially on OKCupid), how do you screen out the clingers or possible one offs who will never contact you again?

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Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Hook Up Culture, OKCupid, Online Dating, Sex, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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