Name: Justme2011 || Location: NYC , NY |Question: Backstory: I moved back to my hometown five years ago after I left my PhD program. I was pretty lonely and depressed about a lot of things and did not do much. One day while at the supermarket at 11pm I bumped into this amazing looking guy, I laughed and said sorry and went on my way. We ran into each other again as we were leaving and he laughed and joked that I was following him… I’m really shy and smile and said no. Feeling a bit adventurous I asked him what did he buy and he said “oh just some cereal and milk”. He then invited me to his place for cereal. We had cereal and then had sex. That was the first time I ever met someone and had sex with them that was the first time I had sex outside of a relationship. It was the second time I had sex overall. I was 23 at the time and he was 37. Fast forward five years later and we are still “friends with benefits”. I call him on occasion and he does the same. When I am in a relationship I do not bother with him. I never thought of us being in a relationship. I figured I wasn’t his type. He is a cop, extremely fit, gym every day and eats healthy, muscles galore. I am overweight and have not regularly gone to the gym in a few years. So that was that, we see each other when we want to no strings attached.

About 10 days ago we got together and he said something he has never said before which perplexed me. In the middle of “things” he said “how long have we known each other Mary, how long has it been?” I said with a smile “5 years” he then said “ ‘this’ will always be yours, I will always be yours”, and as he proceed to **** me he asked if I was still on the pill, I said yes and he then said “ I want to knock you up”, “I want to get you pregnant”.  I didn’t know what to say so I said nothing, he said again ““ I want to get you pregnant”.  I want to get you pregnant”, I remained silent and we just kept going.

I’m not that experienced but is “I want to get you pregnant” something that a guy would say during sex? (5 years and he’s never said anything like that) Is it common? Is it equivalent to “I’m coming?” Should I talk to him about this or let it slide… I have a feeling that he might say it again during sex. FYI I am not closed off of having a child in the next few years.

Confused in NYC, 28 yrs. old |Age: 28

I suppose it’s possible that this 42 year old man is having a bit of baby fever. I’m sure it’s hard for police and fireman to maintain ongoing serious relationships due to the nature of their jobs and the perceived dangers. So maybe his biological clock is ticking and he’s anxious to start a family.

I think what you’re asking is whether or not this guy has feelings for you or sees you are more than just a partner for sex. My answer is: I don’t know. I would suggest talking to him about it. In a job like his, I can imagine that there are moments when they become acutely aware of their mortality. So a desire to have kids – with anyone – might kick in. They want to leave behind a footprint of sorts.

The bigger concern I have here is the fact that you met this guy in a supermarket somewhere, late at night, and went home with him just because he was extremely good looking.  You said it yourself…this isn’t something you typically do, so the only reason I can find that you strayed from your norm is because he was above average in looks and was charming.

I’ve read a few things over the last month or so that really concern me, and they all have to do with having sex with men without knowing anything about them. A few of these situations involved the woman being drunk. One scenario had a woman in a foreign country, alone, at a bar with two men she had just met. She hooked up with one of the men the night before. The next night he brings a guy friend along with him to meet her. The guy she hooked up with at one point excuses himself. The next thing she knows she’s outside the bar making out with the friend. Moments later she’s in a basement having sex with him. She admits that she was drunk enough that she let things happen. What really disturbed me about this story was that it was being presented as sexy. To me, there’s nothing sexy about being reckless. Had the woman mentioned some sort of palpable attraction she felt for the guy, and not spoke of him as an afterthought,  it probably wouldn’t have bothered me.  I think many of us have had those moments. Jesus. I have. The chemistry is just there and you just go for it, consequences be damned. But it read as though the woman just had sex with him because..what the hell? Why not? The fact that she was inebriated didn’t make it much better. I’m shocked at men who try this, because they have no idea how the woman will recall how events played out the night before.

It’s the idea that these women were some how swayed or coerced – and this is just my perception, mind you – that bothers me. What was the thing that made them follow these men outside of a safety zone – emotional or physical? Because I don’t think in either case it was chemistry or primal attraction.  In the OP’s case, I think she was taken in by how the guy looked. She even goes so far as to say that she believed she was not his type because he was so fit and muscle bound and she believed she wasn’t. That’s what gets me. This idea that, because of how she believed she looked, she had to grab at the chance to have sex with this guy. That can lead us to putting ourselves in such precarious and sometimes dangerous situations. Keep in mind that the emotional damage that can come from an experience like this can be scarring, too.

No sex is worth subjecting yourself to potential pain, hurt or violation. That’s why we have to be sure not to put ourselves in situations where that can happen. It means not getting too drunk,it means not going home with a guy who has been drinking too much,  it means not going to strange places with people you don’t know well and it definitely means knowing, in your gut, why you want to have sex with someone.While a woman is in no way inviting or asking for a man to take advantage of her, the sad fact is that there are some people out there who don’t care and who only think of themselves. Her well being doesn’t matter.

I think many of us have had sex to make us feel better or to fill a void. Sometimes it’s just what the doctor ordered. But if we’re not in the right head space, or are emotionally fragile or vulnerable, it can go critically, critically wrong.