I’m a 39 year old divorced single Mom who truly wants to have the relationship I “know” I deserve. I have met a wonderful man a few weeks ago online and ever since we met, we have been spending allot of time together. Since we’ve met, I have seen him at least 3 times. He drives 40 minutes each way to see me and says that if he had it his way, he would see me every day. He talks like he wants a real relationship with me but has not asked me for exclusivity yet. But, here’s where it gets interesting, I’m African American and he is a 42 year old, divorced, blond, blue-eyed handsome White gentleman. Now, this does not bother me at all however, I’m trying to decide “when” I should be intimate with him???
When we go out, he LOVES the attention we get and says that he thrives off of how people stare at us. Now, dating black women is not new for him since his ex-wife is Black and they have 3 children together. We had been emailing and talking on the phone for about 2 weeks before we decided to meet. When we met, we had a wonderful time. I was concerned about him meeting my daughter, but one night (the 3rd meet up) he wanted to come over early (before she goes to bed), and he met her. My daughter, who is 15, said that she likes him and that he seems like a really cool guy. It’s me that’s worried. If I felt there was any inkling of impropriety where he was concerned, I would have NEVER invited him to my home. He truly wants to get into my world and he understands that means accepting my daughter as well.
I’ve been in situations before where I had sex too fast or allowed someone into my world to quickly and it messed everything up. I really like this guy and am VERY sexually attracted to him. I just don’t know when to become intimate with him both emotionally and physically. He keeps hinting around at wanting sex, but I just laugh and change the subject to something else. I joked with him about his “other girlfriends” and he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)?? He says that I have his total and undivided attention and he got upset at me when I hinted around at him dating other women. He said that I struck a nerve because it sounds like I don’t trust him. I don’t know what to do. He texted me at 2 AM in the morning and told me that he is falling for me. He texts me every day telling me about how beautiful I am and how he keeps thinking “nice” thoughts about me. Whenever we are around each other he wants to kiss me and kiss on my neck. I just don’t want sex to mess up the friendship. And again, I have only physically met him 1 week ago. Is this guy really interested in me or does he just want me for sex? I don’t want to mess this up but I don’t know how to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not?? I can reach him at any time. He makes himself accessible and he’s making the long drive to see me. So, after knowing him for about 2-3 weeks, I’m concerned about him coming around me. Whenever we are around each other, he wants to kiss me and I’m concerned that the kissing will turn into sex. So, I have not allowed him to come and see me for a couple of days and he’s starting to think he did something wrong. I just tell him that I’ve been busy with my daughter and that’s why he can’t come over to see me. What should I do?? I really like him, but I don’t want to mess this up and I am so confused about how to move forward. Help??!!
But, here’s where it gets interesting, I’m African American and he is a 42 year old, divorced, blond, blue-eyed handsome White gentleman. Now, this does not bother me at all
Then why did you bring it up? I don’t believe that it doesn’t bother you. What does he mean by he “loves” the way people stare at you two? What do you mean that he thrives off of it? Something about that doesn’t sit well with you. You don’t trust that his interest in you is coming from a healthy place. Not that I blame you, because I don’t either.
It’s been three dates. Why is he in such a rush to meet your daughter? Why is he in such a rush, period? That’s what you should be asking yourself.
I joked with him about his “other girlfriends” and he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)??
With that statement he is telling you, or at least leading you to believe, that he’s dating other women. I have to say that, if that were the case, I don’t know why he’d be driving 40 minutes to see you. Between that and what sounds like his utter desperation, I’d say he has limited options. That would explain why he’s laying it on so thick and trying so hard. He’s trying to ingratiate himself into your life by kissing up to both you and your daughter. Why? Since when is a divorced guy in such a rush to meet the children of a woman he just met online? Why is he driving 40 minutes to see you? Why is he so available? Everything about his behavior is the opposite of Game.
Whenever we are around each other, he wants to kiss me and I’m concerned that the kissing will turn into sex.
You’re not afraid of the sex. You’re afraid he’ll dump you once he gets the sex. Let’s not conflate the two issues. The bottom line is that you suspect that something about this situation is too good to be true. Which usually means it is. You don’t trust this because you know, instinctively, everything about this is the polar opposite of everything else you’ve experienced. This situation aside, you need to get a more mature attitude towards sex and dating. If you don’t trust yourself to say no, that’s a whole other issue that has nothing to do with him. You need to get your actions and your intentions in alignment where this area is concerned. You’re not 16 anymore. There’s just no room in the dating game to be thinking and acting like a teenager.
Either this guy is seriously desperate to get laid or gets attached alarmingly quickly. Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating someone who gives off a bit of desperado. My question would be about why he can’t seem to get any. My guess is that he scares women off with how overbearing and clingy he gets so early in the game.
Now let’s discuss your fear that, if you have sex in the dreaded “too soon” time frame, you’ll mess things up. Let’s look at that statement/concern more closely. You seem to think that the only reason why he’s being so attentive is to get sex. I agree with that, btw. I don’t necessarily agree that “all’ he wants is sex. He’s clearly dying to get into your pants. But do you understand that, if all a man wants is sex, it doesn’t matter how long you wait? If we follow your logic, the guy will bail or get turned off after sex. Okay. That means that there’s nothing you could do to “mess things up” because the outcome was pre-determined. You wouldn’t be messing anything up by sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. He’d have already decided that you were temporary.
I’m not suggesting that you ditch this guy. He could just be awful and awkward at dating and out of practice. What I am advising you to do is learn more about him so you can understand *why* he’s so anxious to rush into this whole thing. If this were me, I’d be thinking something about this isn’t kosher. I don’t know what it is that has him so eager, but there is definitely something motivating him and causing him to act this way. It’s possible that he gets obsessed with women, or too needy or he’s just trying way too hard.