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Beware The Man Who Acts Too Interested Too Soon

September 19, 2012 by 30 Comments

Name: Scaredy Cat
Age: 39
State: GA
Question: Hello,

I’m a 39 year old divorced single Mom who truly wants to have the relationship I “know” I deserve. I have met a wonderful man a few weeks ago online and ever since we met, we have been spending allot of time together.  Since we’ve met, I have seen him at least 3 times.  He drives 40 minutes each way to see me and says that if he had it his way, he would see me every day.  He talks like he wants a real relationship with me but has not asked me for exclusivity yet.  But, here’s where it gets interesting, I’m African American and he is a 42 year old, divorced, blond, blue-eyed handsome White gentleman.  Now, this does not bother me at all however, I’m trying to decide “when” I should be intimate with him???
When we go out, he LOVES the attention we get and says that he thrives off of how people stare at us.  Now, dating black women is not new for him since his ex-wife is Black and they have 3 children together.  We had been emailing and talking on the phone for about 2 weeks before we decided to meet.  When we met, we had a wonderful time.  I was concerned about him meeting my daughter, but one night (the 3rd meet up) he wanted to come over early (before she goes to bed), and he met her.  My daughter, who is 15, said that she likes him and that he seems like a really cool guy.  It’s me that’s worried. If I felt there was any inkling of impropriety where he was concerned, I would have NEVER invited him to my home.  He truly wants to get into my world and he understands that means accepting my daughter as well.
I’ve been in situations before where I had sex too fast or allowed someone into my world to quickly and it messed everything up.  I really like this guy and am VERY sexually attracted to him.  I just don’t know when to become intimate with him both emotionally and physically. He keeps hinting around at wanting sex, but I just laugh and change the subject to something else.  I joked with him about his “other girlfriends” and he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)??  He says that I have his total and undivided attention and he got upset at me when I hinted around at him dating other women.  He said that I struck a nerve because it sounds like I don’t trust him. I don’t know what to do.  He texted me at 2 AM in the morning and told me that he is falling for me.  He texts me every day telling me about how beautiful I am and how he keeps thinking “nice” thoughts about me.  Whenever we are around each other he wants to kiss me and kiss on my neck.  I just don’t want sex to mess up the friendship.  And again, I have only physically met him 1 week ago.  Is this guy really interested in me or does he just want me for sex?  I don’t want to mess this up but I don’t know how to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not?? I can reach him at any time.  He makes himself accessible and he’s making the long drive to see me.  So, after knowing him for about 2-3 weeks, I’m concerned about him coming around me.  Whenever we are around each other, he wants to kiss me and I’m concerned that the kissing will turn into sex.  So, I have not allowed him to come and see me for a couple of days and he’s starting to think he did something wrong.  I just tell him that I’ve been busy with my daughter and that’s why he can’t come over to see me.  What should I do??  I really like him, but I don’t want to mess this up and I am so confused about how to move forward.  Help??!!

 

But, here’s where it gets interesting, I’m African American and he is a 42 year old, divorced, blond, blue-eyed handsome White gentleman.  Now, this does not bother me at all

Then why did you bring it up? I don’t believe that it doesn’t bother you. What does he mean by he “loves” the way people stare at you two? What do you mean that he thrives off of it? Something about that doesn’t sit well with you. You don’t trust that his interest in you is coming from a healthy place. Not that I blame you, because I don’t either.

It’s been three dates. Why is he in such a rush to meet your daughter? Why is he in such a rush, period? That’s what you should be asking yourself.

I joked with him about his “other girlfriends” and he said that he doesn’t have girlfriends per se (whatever that means – I know what per se is but I don’t know if he does or does not have other lady friends)??

With that statement he is telling you, or at least leading you to believe, that he’s dating other women. I have to say that, if that were the case, I don’t know why he’d be driving 40 minutes to see you. Between that and what sounds like his utter desperation, I’d say he has limited options. That would explain why he’s laying it on so thick and trying so hard. He’s trying to ingratiate himself into your life by kissing up to both you and your daughter. Why? Since when is a divorced guy in such a rush to meet the children of a woman he just met online? Why is he driving 40 minutes to see you? Why is he so available? Everything about his behavior is the opposite of Game.

Whenever we are around each other, he wants to kiss me and I’m concerned that the kissing will turn into sex.

You’re not afraid of the sex. You’re afraid he’ll dump you once he gets the sex. Let’s not conflate the two issues. The bottom line is that you suspect that something about this situation is too good to be true. Which usually means it is. You don’t trust this because you know, instinctively, everything about this is the polar opposite of everything else you’ve experienced. This situation aside, you need to get a more mature attitude towards sex and dating. If you don’t trust yourself to say no, that’s a whole other issue that has nothing to do with him. You need to get your actions and your intentions in alignment where this area is concerned. You’re not 16 anymore. There’s just no room in the dating game to be thinking and acting like a teenager.

Either this guy is seriously desperate to get laid or gets attached alarmingly quickly. Now, there’s nothing wrong with dating someone who gives off a bit of desperado. My question would be about why he can’t seem to get any. My guess is that he scares women off with how overbearing and clingy he gets so early in the game.

Now let’s discuss your fear that, if you have sex in the dreaded “too soon” time frame, you’ll mess things up. Let’s look at that statement/concern more closely. You seem to think that the only reason why he’s being so attentive is to get sex. I agree with that, btw. I don’t necessarily agree that “all’ he wants is sex. He’s clearly dying to get into your pants. But do you understand that, if all a man wants is sex, it doesn’t matter how long you wait? If we follow your logic, the guy will bail or get turned off after sex. Okay. That means that there’s nothing you could do to “mess things up” because the outcome was pre-determined. You wouldn’t be messing anything up by sleeping with him or not sleeping with him. He’d have already decided that you were temporary.

I’m not suggesting that you ditch this guy.  He could just be awful and awkward at dating and out of practice. What I am advising you to do is learn more about him so you can understand *why* he’s so anxious to rush into this whole thing. If this were me, I’d be thinking something about this isn’t kosher. I don’t know what it is that has him so eager, but there is definitely something motivating him and causing him to act this way. It’s possible that he gets obsessed with women, or too needy or he’s just trying way too hard.

 

 


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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating The Crazy, Dysfunction Junction, Intimacy, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Dating Rules & Tests Are All Bulls*it

January 23, 2012 by 75 Comments

Name: Cassie
State: NYCcomN
Age: http://34
Comment: Hi Moxie,

I met a guy a week ago in a bar and we hit it off. We exchanged numbers and went out on our first date the following night and had dinner and drinks. .the conversation was great and  we have a lot common. At the end of the date we didn’t get kiss but he gave me a hug. During the course of the week we texted off and on. He initiated the texts.

We went out on our second date and had a great time.  This time it was drinking and dancing. As the night wore on (and the booze flowed) we began to casually touch each other – hand on the back, lap etc – so by the end of the night we were making out like teenagers. He begged me to go home with him but I declined. I could tell he was disappointed. But what guy isn’t? He continues to text me but hasn’t asked for another date. Although he knew I had plans with my friends on Saturday and he was watching the football game with friends on Sunday.

My question is two-fold: (1) how do I know if he genuinely likes me or he’s priming the pump so that I sleep with him. I have to admit that after that make out session I would love to sleep with him but I don’t want him to do the fade away. Or am I getting ahead of myself considering he hasn’t asked me out for date 3 yet? (2)  can I ask him out for date 3 or should I wait for him to ask me? I think this guy may have potential but I don’t want to blow it by sleeping with him too soon or asking him out.  Thanks for your advice. Cassie

 

You should absolutely ask him out for the third date. He’s probably feeling  a little unsure of things since you politely put the brakes on things getting to hot and heavy. He’s gun shy now.

how do I know if he genuinely likes me or he’s priming the pump so that I sleep with him.

Cassie, he IS priming the pump so that you’ll sleep with him. That’s okay. You want to sleep with him, too. You’re not looking to pump and dump him, are you? We have to get past this idea that just because a man wants to have sex with us that he’s going to use us or that he’s a bad person. Our heads get filled with this idea from friends and movies and magazines. It’s absolute nonsense.

I don’t have any sure fire red flags to help you spot a Mr. Hit It and Quit It. I wish I did. The only way you’re going to know for sure if he’s going to fade is if he fades. That’s it. If you want to wait until you feel you have a better baseline to use to evaluate him, then you should wait to get physical. Just understand that you’re really not waiting for a justifiable reason unless he’s given you the impression his interest and behavior are disingenuous. You think you’re controlling the outcome, but you’re not. You just think you are.

A few weeks ago I was watching an episode of American Horror Story. One of the characters was trying to rid the house of two of the more evil ghosts. So she lured him to the basement and proceeded to recite some mystical chant. She was told by a medium that this would force out all the malevolent spirits. Guess what? It didn’t work. The ghost pointed out to her that chants and burning sage and various other tricks and myths were all bullshit. They were ways that people tried to take control of a situation that scared them. It’s like when people pray to God and ask Him to influence the outcome of a situation. Listen, I love me some God. But even I know that’s crap. My Mom used to make me put my hand on a Bible and she’d put one hand over my head and she’d pray. She’d ask God to keep her from getting sick. Ta da! She died at 46! She had a huge golfball sized tumor in her breast. God can’t protect ya from that, Lady Jane. Just the idea that he’s supposed to perform some kind of divine intervention is ludicrous.  She could have prevented it by going to a doctor sooner and doing exams. We have what we need to detect or determine danger. We just ignore those things out of fear or ignorance or pride.

That’s why many of these silly rules and games and tests are bullshit. They’re flimsy ploys to help people maintain a sense of control over a situation. In reality, they do not protect people from getting used or dumped. All they do is give the person a false sense of security and power. No blog or bullet point list or “experienced” girlfriend’s wise advice can protect you. That’s a scary reality, I know. But the sooner you accept that fact, the better of you’ll be.

You want me to give you some magical elixir so that you can “know” if this guy is genuine. There is none. You’re trying to dictate the results of this experiment by using criteria that amounts to a hill of nothing. One thing I do know is that if you start to question him and you tell him how afraid you are of this happening, the more likely it is that he will fade.

You need to trust your own instincts and judgment. Forget about what I say. What do YOU think? Do you have bad taste in men? Do you always find yourself pursuing men that don’t return the interest? Do you frequently find yourself in this very position, where you’re trying to analyze him like a criminal profiler? If so, where has all of that gotten you? Because if it’s gotten you in constant analysis paralysis with no mans, it’s not working.  You might think you’ve dodged those bullets. But really, those men are the ones who should be thankful they got out in time.

Now, if you’ve had a relative amount of success doing something, and it has worked out for you, then continue to do it. If waiting helps you feel more at ease and relieve the paranoia, then do it. That will be better for both of you in the long run. But if you’re hoping that the longer he waits the more invested he’ll become, you’re heading down a bad path. More often than not, guys like that WILL hit it and quit it out of frustration and their own fear of being used.

You need to trust that you have good judgment with men. If you want to have sex with him, then have sex with him. Be safe, ask the appropriate questions, and then enjoy it. If he never calls again, so what. You had a great few dates. Maybe he didn’t feel the sexual chemistry was there. Maybe he realized he wasn’t ready. Maybe he didn’t feel you were the one for him. Whatever. You’re never going to know the real reason anyway, so there’s no point in obsessing.

The only way you’re going to be able to control the outcome of this situation is to control how you react and respond to it. We’re always trying to control the guys, and inevitably we end up surrendering our control and power by doing so.  So stop with all the rules and tests. They don’t work.

They’re bullshit.

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Filed Under: Book, Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Hook Up Culture, Intimacy, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, Sex Tagged With: , , , ,

What’s The Rush To Commit?

December 7, 2011 by 44 Comments

Name: Carmen
Age: 46
State: New York
Comment: I have been dating a 52 year old man for about a month. He has never been married. We have not taken it to the magic date (sex) level as yet, but the tension is building. When is it appropriate to discuss whether this is  leading to monogamous/exclusive relationship?

Thanks,
C.

There’s a reason why he’s 52 and never married. He’s either extremely cautious, not terribly interested in long term commitment, or just not very good at it. To ask a guy like this, a month in, whether he sees the two of you becoming monogamous or serious seems a bit premature. What are we talking here…5-7 dates? That, along with the fact that you haven’t slept together, doesn’t really provide him with enough information that would be needed to make such a decision.

It also doesn’t give you enough information to make such a decision. You’re really prepared to make a commitment to someone with whom you haven’t had sex? Kind of risky, no?

I realize that you’re probably just wondering if you and he are on the same page. At least I hope that’s the case. A month is just not a long time. Certainly not long enough to determine compatibility. Trust me, there real person tends to reveal themselves over time. That goes for the both of you. Sex has a tendency to change things and change people. (And by people I mean women for the most part.) How you handle the sex and the aftermath is very important. That’s the other reason why most men tend to prefer to have sex before they agree to be exclusive or even talk about exclusivity in the hypothetical. They want to see if the woman becomes clingy, needy or demanding and if they apply all these expectations because of the sex.

Why does this feel like you think sex would be a good reward for him should he tell you what he wants to hear? I understand your hesitation. You don’t want to have sex unless you know the relationship has a potential future. But here’s the rub…ask this guy now if he sees long term potential, and have that conversation on top of a conversation about sleeping together, and he’s going to tell you whatever it is he thinks will get him laid. Yes, he might even commit without actually meaning it. Especially if, as you say, the tension is “building.”

Let’s also try to put ourselves in his shoes. You approach him about where the relationship is headed. Many men in his shoes will think, “So, she wants me to take the risk and commit, but she won’t take the risk and have sex with me? She wants me to make myself vulnerable before she makes herself vulnerable? No thanks.”  The guy might become a bit resentful. Or he might be honest and tell you he’s not ready to talk about this at this juncture. Neither of these stances make him wrong or bad. He’s allowed to take his time and be cautious just like you. That’s why these conversations tend to unnerve a lot of men, as they know how women will perceive their hesitation. “Oh, he’s a commitment-phobe!” or “He just wants to sleep with as many women as possible!” Sometimes that is the case. But the more likely reason many men dosen’t want to engage in the talks this early is because they genuinely don’t know what they want at that point. A lot of women tend to forget that the man has a say about where things are headed, too.

This is why you need to separate these two “milestones.” My suggestion to you is to either wait to have sex with him until you both have had a decent amount of time to really get to know each other and have enough time to determine if there really is a future. OR….take the risk and have sex with him and take things as they come and then discuss where things are going.

If you want to have sex with him, have sex with him. If you’re afraid that he might bail soon after, then waiting isn’t going to change that. If that’s his plan, he’s going to do it anyway regardless of what he promises you. If you sense he’s not genuine, then trust your instincts and walk away.

Don’t expect him to do the heavy lifting here. Why do you need him to tell you how things should proceed? What do you want? If he does decide after you two have sex that he doesn’t see a future, he either didn’t feel you two were compatible or was being disingenuous all along. That’s about him and his potential issues. Not yours.

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Filed Under: Book, Dating, Dating Over 40, Intimacy, Just The Tip, Latests Posts, Monogamy, Sex, The Talk Tagged With: , , , ,

Do Relationship Milestones Really Matter?

October 7, 2011 by 8 Comments

Here’s the scenario:

Man and woman have been casually dating, off and on, for about four months. They are not exclusive and that point has been discussed. They are not monogamous. They don’t always use birth control. The woman discovers she is a few days late for her period. She tells the guy. He suggests that she take a test. She says she wants him to come over while she takes the test because she feels its something they should do together. He says no. She gets upset.

Was he wrong for not agreeing to be with her when she takes the test?

 

My take: If you agree to have casual, unprotected sex with someone with whom you are not monogamous, you assume partial responsibility for the outcome. I think most people agree with that. In a case like this, I think the woman is trying to use a health or medical issue to force a level of intimacy upon the guy and the relationship. If you’re adult enough to engage in unprotected sex, you’re adult enough to pee on a stick all by your lonesome. No need to make it some sort of relationship milestone. Should you turn out to be pregnant, of course you should tell the guy if you want to. At that point, he needs to take partial responsibility. There’s nothing wrong with telling a guy – a boyfriend or just a casual lover – that you’re late. But to try and make it in to an event feels unnecessarily contrived and calculated to me.

If you have to use a health or medical related concern as a way to get someone to pay attention to you or treat you in a certain way, then that’s a pretty good sign that there’s no substance to the relationship. It’s like the whole STD scare thing. Condom breaks or you go bareback and then they start in with the “we need to talk about this/when was the last time you were tested” stuff. If that’s such a concern, then have that conversation prior to the sex.

Sometimes it’s just a case of the guilts or paranoia taking over. I get that. You did something you shouldn’t have done and now you’re punishing yourself or worried that Karma will bite you in the ass. Been there. But making it a big production and requiring a phone call or in person discussion, to me, reeks of attention seeking and trying to force a level of attention or behavior from your partner.

I feel like I’m seeing situations like this more and more – where one person is trying to create these milestones in their casual relationships. I think they do it as a way to make the relationship seem more valid or real. Somebody said it in the comments recently about how a woman they dated used an argument to announce how he and she had “had their first fight.” The funny thing is that all these milestones and terms like “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” don’t really mean anything anymore.  Seriously. What does it mean to be someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend, or to meet their friends and family? If there’s no genuine intention behind it, what does it matter? I get letters sometimes and the woman writing in will say that she and the guy are exclusive, then qualify the statement by saying the man told her he has no time to date anyone else and therefore isn’t sleeping with anyone else. That’s not exclusive!

I know men that move in with their girlfriends and who regularly cheat on them. I know women who call men their “boyfriends” who still overtly flirt with other men and hang out with other men and let the guys buy them dinner or drinks.  It seems like so many people just want to be able to say that they’re in a relationship of some kind. They don’t want the intimacy. They don’t even want the sex. They just want to be able to tell people or refer to something as a “relationship.” In some cases, I think the person is well aware that what they have going on in no way resembles a traditional or serious relationship. In others, I believe the person has truly convinced themself that they are in a real relationship.  The most puzzling are people who try to make an obvious t even a casual observer casual sex arrangement sound like a real relationship. Are they doing that for themselves? Or for others? Is it that they feel they need to prove something to people? Or just to themselves?

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Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Hook Up Culture, Intimacy, Latests Posts, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Has Dating Become a Full Contact Sport?

October 6, 2011 by 24 Comments

I read an insightful comment on another blog and it got me to thinking.

I hate sounding like a cranky old woman, but some things have happened lately that are leading me to believe that maybe things have actually shifted. That maybe it’s not about dating getting harder as I get older (having less choices, for example) but rather that the whole damn sport has changed. Kinda like basketball. Now it’s about brute force and everyone’s forgotten how to be a team player. Or something like that.- Simone Grant

 

It’s interesting that Simone mentions how dating has become less of a team sport. She’s right. It has. When it comes to dating, there is definitely now an “I” in team. The first thing people need to do is breakout of the self-absorbed and egocentric bubbles. That goes for men and women. If you wonder why you struggle to find someone for the long term, start with that rampant obsession you have with yourself. Stop marinating in your own juices for Christ’s sake. Let go of past hurts, stop caring so much how you’re perceived, stop hiding behind personas and just be you. Listen to the constructive feedback you receive and stop ignoring it. Get yourself in better emotional shape.

The problem as I see it isn’t that dating has changed. Change is good. Change is growth. The problem is that so many men and women refuse to adapt.

If we’re going to discuss how dating has changed, let’s discuss first the reason why people used to seek committed relationships and /or Marriage in the stone ages aka 10 years ago.

1. Financial Security - Well, that’s gone out the window, hasn’t it? Women no longer need to marry for financial support. Sisters are doing it for themselves. Now we have an increasing number of men seeking a “sugar mamma.” The current economic state provides them with a blanket excuse not to be the breadwinner. “It’s not just me! Lots of men are out of work!”  Those that are employed aren’t too eager to become responsible for or ruined by someone else’s financial situation.

2. Sex - Please. You want to know how to have regular sex? Put up a profile on OKCupid. It’s that simple for both men and women. There’s a debate out there over whether people – men and women – would prefer consistent sex with the same person or multiple partners. My guess is the women would like to find one consistent partner while men prefer variety. So now what? Trying to find a man who will provide consistent casual sex – good sex -  is a conundrum. Offer that and we condition men to believe  that it’s that easy to get. So why stop at just one partner? Also adding to the problem? See point 1. Yep. Men who are out of work or who aren’t “pulling their weight” could possibly suffer from feelings of low self-worth. Think about it. They lose their job, become depressed, lose their identity, and likely eventually lose their relationship. That’s a mojo killer. I’ll lay money down that there are a lot of sexually unsatisfied women out there. (We’ll discuss the affects Porn has had on relationship a little further down.)

3. Intimacy/Attention - Who needs intimacy when you have a blog or Facebook or Twitter? At any given time you can find someone to sympathize with you. Who needs actual human contact? Intimacy as we know it no longer exists anyway. When you have a podium from which you can belt out anything from what you had for lunch to why you hate your neighbors, why bother cultivating  substantive offline relationships? Need attention? There’s an app for that.

4. Children - Well, we don’t need marriage to have kids, do we? With all the medical and scientific developments over the past 20 years, getting pregnant no longer requires wooing or courting. With the divorce rate what it is, and with so many people down on marriage, and with the economy heading back in to the toilet the idea of bringing children in to this world is pretty scary.  It’s hard enough to support yourself, let alone a family.

Now, these things are all subject to change. The economy will get better, people will eventually stop relying upon the internet for attention, etc. But what do we do in the mean time? Do we wait it out? Or do we evolve?

If all the above criteria are taken off the table….how does one compete? What is it that we can offer that can’t be readily provided by an internet connection? Here’s where Porn plays its part.

One commenter on Grant’s piece made a pretty astute comment:

….. the 24/7 online pornfest has put the final nail in chivalry’s coffing. First, it has completely upped the ante of exceptions in the bedroom, immediate exceptions, not after a real sexual intimacy has been established. Also, forget about three dates, seems like pornstar sex is excepted by date two. Also, a lot of guys have burnt their desire out on porn and no longer crave sex with a real woman let alone real intimacy. And if a guy if stressed out from work, isn’t so much easier to jerk off in front of the computer than to deal with the real life version of a woman he has been commiunicating with by text (not even phone calls!!) – Veronica

I disagree that men expect porn star sex on date two.I don’t believe, for men anyway, that it’s as much about technique as it is about accessibility. Jerking off to porn IS a hell of a lot easier and less expensive – and sometimes a lot less painful – than having to endure a bunch of dates and hoop jumping and mixed messages. Many women are braying about their right to casual sex. But many of those same women are putting an embargo on the act when it comes to dating. This is a major disconnect between men and women. “She’ll make me wait 6 dates before we have sex, but she’ll have a fuck buddy? I don’t get it.” I think many women are arbitrarily changing their rules when it comes to sex, thereby compounding not only men’s confusion but their frustration. Why not just sign up for BootyDate or whatever site, find a woman and have sex with her?  Why not just stroke it to porn? Again, this is something that women are competing with for male attention. Women assume that what men learn or take from sex is how women like to be treated. I’m sure some men do. But I think the big take away for most men is that there appear to be women out there without sexual hangups, so why not just find and date them? Sure, some of those women have plenty of hang ups. Just not of the sexual variety. As long as they can keep those hang ups under control, men don’t mind them. But of they can’t? Buh bye. Moving on. I think many women feel the same. We just don’t have the energy to feed your egos anymore. We’re not responsible for the women who have come before us. Stop trying to make us feel bad because you chose poorly. And stop being afraid of being the bad guy. She doesn’t make you happy? Leave. Don’t cheat. Don’t keep one leg in and one leg out of your relationship. Make a move. Any move. But make one.

Ultimately, I think, the greatest competition out there for women is other women. The women who are letting go of the point value system and who own their sexual choices. Who don’t need a man but freely admit that they want one without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. The women who are adapting. What these women bring to the table is simplicity. The woman confident in her choices and desires are the most highly sought.

Same goes for men. Now, more than ever before, we have far more emotionally unstable/shattered males out there. They’re not bouncing back from break ups or divorces the way they did. They’re more vulnerable. It seems like women are expected to stroke their egos more and prove to them that they’re not like “other women.”  They want their cake and eat it too. They want to play the role of the boyfriend – a word that has no meaning at this point – but don’t want to make the full commitment. It’s exhausting. You wonder why so many women opt for the Mr. Bigs and Don Drapers? It’s because – despite the fact that most of these men are totally emotionally bankrupt – they go after what they want. They possess a confidence not found in other men.

Grant compared dating to a sport, and she’s right. It is a sport to some degree. And like any sport, in order to succeed one has to be willing to compete.  Bitching about men or women shouldn’t be a form of training, but it is these days. Blaming your lack of success on the other’s gender’s limitations or perceived issues isn’t going to improve your stamina. Putting down other men or women or trying to somehow slight them for not approaching things the way you do just makes you sound petty and jealous.Nothing is a bigger turn off to me than hearing a man compare themselves to other men and putting them down in order to elevate themselves. Same goes for women.

It’s go big or go home time. You can either face and rise above the challenges that dating now presents. Or you can sit on the bench with the rest of the JV squad and look on and wish you were them.

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Dating, Gender Roles, Hook Up Culture, Intimacy, Kinky, Latests Posts, Marriage, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Oral Sex, Sex, To Settle or Not To Settle, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Extra-Curricular Intimacy

August 10, 2011 by 67 Comments

Name: Single and Confused |  | Location: San Jose , CA |Question: Hi Moxie,

I am recently dating this very wonderful man. He’s a single father with one child in his early 40s, I’m in my early 30s. Single, never been married and no kids. My issue is, he tells me everyday how dearly he loves me and will not want to be away from me. I soon come to find out that he’s been exchanging flirtatious messages with his friend (who I have met) and she is married. I don’t know how to feel/react since I got the information through secretly checking his phone. CRAP!

BF’s done pretty well for himself, pays alimony to the ex-wife and sends his child to private school. He’s been divorced for over 5 years now and we have been dating for 8 months. During his downtime post divorce, he kept himself busy by being active in his son’s school (coaching, PTA, etc). Obviously, he’s met and kept a few friends (just a few stayed on his side) who’s known him since he was married. One of them is Mrs. Z. Mrs. Z is married, has one child who is very good friends with his son and she is, excuse my language.. yes..smoking hot. Mr. and Mrs. Z would go on summer trips with BF and son and the most recent one was this month, for a weekend. Sadly, I was not invited. We had an argument as to why I did not get invited, when I have already met and have been hanging out with him and his son. It is not like it will be an awkward situation since he himself told me that his son genuinely likes me. Long story short, it became a huge argument and I knew I had to stop because there is no way that the plans will change.  During the trip he was sending me text messages, calling, letting me know that he misses me terribly. Upon his return, the first thing he said was that I will now ALWAYS be invited to out of town trips with his son and I have the right to first refusal. It made me feel better. It was not like I sulked around when they were gone.

I have a very good set of friends and I believe I’m pretty level headed when it comes to certain things so I kept myself busy.  I let it go and was just glad to know that he missed me and he looks forward to trips with me included.

Now, this is my mistake. I found through his phone (we both share our passwords) that Mrs. Z and Mr. Z have some marital issues. In fact, Mr. Z was actually not even planning on joining the summer trip, until the last minute. To which my BF’s reaction over text was “HUH???” In the series of text messages between BF and Mrs. Z, my boyfriend would always say “I hope he is not mad at me, since I do not want any drama in my life.” He has mentioned me to her a few times; however, there was an instance when they went out to play golf and she had asked if he told me about it. He said no (he told me he was meeting her for drinks only) and she said she did not tell her husband either. A week before their trip, she changed her profile picture in a social networking site to show her smoking hot body (back view showing her bikini) and he sent a text message to her saying,  “I saw the profile pic, you are so HOT! One week to the trip!”

At this point, I know I should have stopped reading the texts. I don’t know what to do. They are still friends and there’s going to be a time in the future when all of us will be hanging out together. They went out to drinks recently and she sent him a text message saying something like, “Baby, I am so happy that you joined me for drinks.” To which he responded, “Thank you for inviting me :) .” Again, a few messages from her venting about her husband and BF would say I hope it’s not about me.

I feel like something had happened to them previously (pre-ME) and perhaps the flirting continues when it can. I have seen her flirt with other men when all of us would hang out. It’s just now dawning on me, since I thought it was kind of inappropriate at that time, but who was I to say something. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, knowing she’s married and they have been friends before he started dating me. What should I do? I love him. I can’t imagine not being with him. Although I know, I could not make him choose friends over me, it just does not seem mature and logical. Please help? Am I missing something or overreacting?
xo
Single and confused Thanks. |Age: 34

 

BF’s done pretty well for himself,

Question: If the “BF” didn’t do so well for himself, would you even be questioning what to do?

We had an argument as to why I did not get invited, when I have already met and have been hanging out with him and his son. It is not like it will be an awkward situation since he himself told me that his son genuinely likes me. Long story short, it became a huge argument and I knew I had to stop because there is no way that the plans will change.

You weren’t invited because he – your boyfriend – didn’t want you there.

There’s obviously something going on between these two. Could be  casual flirtation, could be a full blown affair. Whatever it is, it’s being done behind your back. And, in some cases, right under your nose.Please share with us all the ways this man is “wonderful” as I’m not getting that impression.

Right now you’re stuck between copping to snooping and staying in a duplicitous relationships. And yet, oddly, it sounds like you’d rather stay in the relationship than reveal the fact that you snooped.

You have  a choice. You can live your life always checking up on him and monitoring both his and her social networking activity. Or you could tell him what you found and get answers. Yes, you could lose him. But, really, what is there to lose? Your “BF” is fostering some kind of extra-curricular relationship with a woman who is married. A woman who is the mother of one of his son’s friends. So, not only is he willing to jeopardize his relationship with you, but her relationship with her husband and his relationship with his son.

I will ask you again what exactly you are clinging to so desperately? Because this guy sounds like a douche who trips over himself because a hot woman is paying him attention.

At the very least, there’s a level of intimacy between these two. Or, at least, she’s letting him think there is. It’s quite possible she’s just turning to him during this down turn in her marriage. You could be right in that she’s just looking for attention. Maybe absolutely nothing has gone on that crosses the line. The problem here, for me, is the presumed intimacy and dependance. Could be that he’s being sucked in to her game. Maybe he’s her air bag for when her relationship eventually ends. I don’t know. She’s leaning on him and they’re spending time together without their respective partners. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. That familiarity, the use of “Baby,” the emotional support…that’s supposed to be for you. That he’s giving that to someone else…that’s a sign that there’s possible a breakdown in the relationship he has with you.

You’re doing what so many of us do. You’re listening to his words and ignoring his actions because you don’t want to face the truth. That’s pretty much all this man seems to provide for you. Words and empty promises. You have evidence that he has some form of interest in someone else. Granted it was fruit of the poisonous tree, so you aren’t without your own issues and blemishes. But you’re not leading this man to believe something that might not be true. But your relationship is in peril. Question is do you try to save it by having an honest conversation or do you walk? If you’re not willing to have that conversation, then I have to question your own commitment to the relationship.

You appear to have what I call a relationship ” in theory.” It looks like a relationship. You do relationship-y things. But the true emotional commitment seems to be lacking. On both ends.

You have to speak up and say something to him. But given the other ties between them, meaning their kids, I doubt he’s going to be able to cut this woman off cold turkey. This woman is always going to be in the picture.

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