Name: Carmen
Age: 46
State: New York
Comment: I have been dating a 52 year old man for about a month. He has never been married. We have not taken it to the magic date (sex) level as yet, but the tension is building. When is it appropriate to discuss whether this is  leading to monogamous/exclusive relationship?

Thanks,
C.

There’s a reason why he’s 52 and never married. He’s either extremely cautious, not terribly interested in long term commitment, or just not very good at it. To ask a guy like this, a month in, whether he sees the two of you becoming monogamous or serious seems a bit premature. What are we talking here…5-7 dates? That, along with the fact that you haven’t slept together, doesn’t really provide him with enough information that would be needed to make such a decision.

It also doesn’t give you enough information to make such a decision. You’re really prepared to make a commitment to someone with whom you haven’t had sex? Kind of risky, no?

I realize that you’re probably just wondering if you and he are on the same page. At least I hope that’s the case. A month is just not a long time. Certainly not long enough to determine compatibility. Trust me, there real person tends to reveal themselves over time. That goes for the both of you. Sex has a tendency to change things and change people. (And by people I mean women for the most part.) How you handle the sex and the aftermath is very important. That’s the other reason why most men tend to prefer to have sex before they agree to be exclusive or even talk about exclusivity in the hypothetical. They want to see if the woman becomes clingy, needy or demanding and if they apply all these expectations because of the sex.

Why does this feel like you think sex would be a good reward for him should he tell you what he wants to hear? I understand your hesitation. You don’t want to have sex unless you know the relationship has a potential future. But here’s the rub…ask this guy now if he sees long term potential, and have that conversation on top of a conversation about sleeping together, and he’s going to tell you whatever it is he thinks will get him laid. Yes, he might even commit without actually meaning it. Especially if, as you say, the tension is “building.”

Let’s also try to put ourselves in his shoes. You approach him about where the relationship is headed. Many men in his shoes will think, “So, she wants me to take the risk and commit, but she won’t take the risk and have sex with me? She wants me to make myself vulnerable before she makes herself vulnerable? No thanks.”  The guy might become a bit resentful. Or he might be honest and tell you he’s not ready to talk about this at this juncture. Neither of these stances make him wrong or bad. He’s allowed to take his time and be cautious just like you. That’s why these conversations tend to unnerve a lot of men, as they know how women will perceive their hesitation. “Oh, he’s a commitment-phobe!” or “He just wants to sleep with as many women as possible!” Sometimes that is the case. But the more likely reason many men dosen’t want to engage in the talks this early is because they genuinely don’t know what they want at that point. A lot of women tend to forget that the man has a say about where things are headed, too.

This is why you need to separate these two “milestones.” My suggestion to you is to either wait to have sex with him until you both have had a decent amount of time to really get to know each other and have enough time to determine if there really is a future. OR….take the risk and have sex with him and take things as they come and then discuss where things are going.

If you want to have sex with him, have sex with him. If you’re afraid that he might bail soon after, then waiting isn’t going to change that. If that’s his plan, he’s going to do it anyway regardless of what he promises you. If you sense he’s not genuine, then trust your instincts and walk away.

Don’t expect him to do the heavy lifting here. Why do you need him to tell you how things should proceed? What do you want? If he does decide after you two have sex that he doesn’t see a future, he either didn’t feel you two were compatible or was being disingenuous all along. That’s about him and his potential issues. Not yours.