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Why Do Men *Really* Commit?

April 1, 2013 by 29 Comments

Name: Stan
Comment: In my 20′s, in addition to the dating scene, I had 2 fairly serious relationships.  The first was scorching hot passion wise.  We were both young and gaining sexual experience, but the relationship ended before we progressed.  The second relationship was compatibility based, but the sex was average.

I’m currently dating a wonderful woman (4 years older) and after 5 months we’ve just decided to become exclusive.  Her idea, but I agreed.  On the surface, I should be jumping at the chance to move the relationship forward as she’s smart, beautiful and grounded. What gives me pause is her kind-of conservative sexual nature. We have plenty of passion and the frequency is good, but its rather towel-down standard. While I’m far from what you would consider kinky, I’m not against exploring with my partner.  Here’s the thing:  for some (stupid) reason, I really want to try 2 things before I get serious/married (anal & a 3-some (1 for her & 1 for me)).  She’s recently made it clear that both are complete non-starters. I’ve asked her about role-playing, watching porn, her desires, etc., but get nothing as a response.  Is it selfish/immature of me to consider waffling on the relationship because I know the sex is good….but probably never going to get better?
Age: 30
City: Salem
State: NH

I think you have to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship as a whole. If everything else about the relationship meets your expectations, then I think you should stick it out. That is, as long as you actually want a committed relationship and didn’t just commit to this woman to ensure that you had consistent sex or because she forced your hand somehow.

I don’t necessarily think it’s odd that it took you 5 months to commit. Personally, I think that’s smart. I’m sure other people will point that out and say that that’s a sign you aren’t really into this woman. They could be right. Five months does sound like a long time. On top of that, you really should have considered all of this before you agreed to be exclusive. You knew what you were getting when you committed to her. It’s not fair for you to now be questioning the relationship. You’re not trapped, of course. However,  what you did by agreeing to be monogamous is completely unfair to your partner.

Okay, Stan, so you want some threeway action and anal. I get it. But the chances of finding a woman who will fulfill those desires is slim. (I know. You’re different. You’re a three input girl.  Got it. We’ll get to you in a second.)

Stan, you’re not going to be satisfied with ONE threesome or ONE anal experience. If you like it, you’ll want it again. That’s how sex works. You either need to go off and sow those wild and kinky oats of yours before you settle into something committed or accept that your sex life with this  woman will be boring and eventually flatline. It happens to everybody. So ask yourself just how important sexual compatibility is to you, because the sex isn’t going to stay hot and exciting forever. Or it might never get to that level at all. Commitment involves compromise. You might not get the total package.

Stan, if sex is a priority for you, then at the very least you need to be with someone who entertains the idea of exploring your expressed desires. She doesn’t have to commit to doing it or even have to do it. If she says upfront that there is no way and no how she will do XYZ, then let that be a warning sign as to how far she’s willing to go to keep you satisfied.Then ask yourself if you’ll be able to stay monogamous. If your desires are strong enough that you’ll be tempted to stray, then don’t commit. Oh wait. You already did.

Before you cut the chord, be aware that what you seek might not exist. Also accept that finding such a woman might involve some major compromises. I’ll say this delicately and y’all can just flame me in the comments: Stan, don’t expect your ideal sexual partner to be hot or stable. While there are some objectively attractive and rational women who are as sexually adventurous as you’d like, many of them, well, aren’t. At least the ones who advertise their sexual proclivities typically aren’t. Crazy Girl Sex is a thing for a reason. Sex is typically something that average/not in high demand women use to stand out.

Now, let’s address all the women who just can’t get enough of The Cock. I think you’re precious. I really do. But let’s get down to brass tax. Of the segment of you that #omigodlovesex I’d guess most of you just use sex as a way to get attention from both men and women. I’m speaking directly to the women who can’t talk enough about how much they love sex or how often they have it or need to let everybody know that they’re getting it. The ones who truly dig the doing the dirty don’t have to bray about it. The ones who do  – almost across the board-  are women who use sex to get something else, and that something else usually isn’t an orgasm.

Something else women shouldn’t advertise is that their men just couldn’t wait to become exclusive.That is said for the benefit of other women.  When I hear women brag about how men are so eager to commit to them, I assume one thing. I assume that those men have no options. They aren’t so much drawn to the woman herself, but to the idea of either having a girlfriend or having a regular sex life. The prospect of getting laid regularly or having some sort of validation that only a relationship can provide often overrules common sense. Awful thing to say? Probably. Womp womp.  More often than not it’s true. I know some women like to believe that they’re just such a catch that men are anxious to lock things down. Sorry, boo boo. Usually that is indicative of something else entirely.

Stan, my personal feeling is that you’re not ready or mature enough to be in a serious relationship. To be re-thinking your decision to commit after the fact signifies an immaturity on your part.  Taking five months isn’t the red flag for me. It’s the fact that you took five months to commit and are now second guessing it afterwards that concerns me.

As tough as it is going to be, I think you need to either forget ever pursuing these two sexual milestones or break things off and go explore on your own. Get that stuff out of your system now.

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Filed Under: Compatibility, Dating, Kinky, Sex, Today's Column Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Sex & Vulnerability: How Much Is Too Much And What Are The Risks?

March 14, 2013 by 39 Comments

So, this article went up on The Frisky today and my head exploded.

 

We were fucking, he pulled out of me, and I saw his sperm on my pubic hair. ”You just came inside me?” I said, panicked. “Why didn’t you tell me first?” I hadn’t consented to him doing that. And I wouldn’t have consented to it had he announced he was going to come instead of just silently going ahead and doing it.

“Aren’t you on the pill?” he replied by way of response.

“No, I’m not on the pill,” I said.

He looked at me pained. “I just came inside a girl who is not on the pill?”

“Yeah, you did. Why didn’t you ask me if I was on it if you were going to come inside me? I thought you were going to pull out.”

“I just assumed you would be on it.”

Okay. What is this fuckery?

I’ll only briefly touch on the kink aspect to this story. Whether two people are engaging in kink or good o’ missionary vanilla sex, there are always risks involved with going home with someone you don’t know very well. Hell, there’s risks all around at various stages of a relationship. I have a friend who went home with a guy she met on Match. They were having sex and – out of nowhere – he slapped her across the face. It wasn’t as harsh as it sounds. He was obviously testing the waters since they had discussed their mutual interest in kink. Her initial reaction was shock and then anger. The guy quickly apologized and said he thought she had said she had experience with that and liked it. There was not another date.

Since I’ve made my opinions of first date sex quite clear, it should come as no surprise to any of you that I’ve had sex on a first date. I have been lucky that I have never experienced anything like what my friend or Jessica experienced. I could go on about my insight and intuition and all that, but nothing is ever fail-proof. I have been lucky. When I have delved into kinkier activities, it has always been with someone I have been dating – casually or seriously – for a significant amount of time. I mentioned the Too Many Cocks guy, yes? I made it quite clear that I had no intention of fulfilling whatever desire he had with someone I barely knew. There was no second date.

Communication is a key part of sex and intimacy. You can never take it upon yourself to believe that you know exactly what a person’s boundaries are or that you and they are on the same page. You need to ask and you need to listen and you need to respect said boundaries. That applies to hook ups on the first date or ones that happen after dating several months. I’ve frequently questioned Jessica’s actual experience level with BDSM and kink. To me, it sounds like she was with someone who had more experience than she did. You can never assume that you and your partner have even close to similar sexual histories. These things need to be talked about before you try something new.

And at some point in the evening as the pain he was inflicting on me hurt worse and worse, I used his safeword: “Pineapple!” He stopped spanking me, like he should have. We did other things. But later on that night, he started smacking my butt again. I felt so sensitive there that I wasn’t enjoying it — it wasn’t “good pain.” Come to find out the next day when I looked in a mirror, I had a constellation of small bruises all over my ass: three on one butt check and one on another. Because of the position he had been holding me in, this man most certainly saw those bruises. My safewording should have been the indicator to ease up the

Jessica is demonizing this guy, and after reading the piece a few times, I’m not sure why. Initially I read this and felt the guy was disregarding her stated boundaries. Then I read it again. And again. When she asked him to stop, he stopped. They engaged in a brief exchange about their individual definitions and uses for a safeword, and that’s somehow construed as violating her. That was a conversation they should have had before they even took their clothes off. Then she stayed overnight because..wait for it…she wanted to have sex with him? What the whating what?  It was written as though the guy was trying to somehow coerce her, and I’m not sure that’s what actually happened.

For the people who will say things like, “This is why you don’t have sex on a first date!!” I’ll just say this: I think it’s precious that you think that renting space on the moral high ground means anything to anyone other than you.

Now for the other issue concerning birth control. I was really livid as I read the exchange Jessica had with this guy after he ejaculated inside of her. I do not agree – at all – that it’s the man’s job to ask if a woman is on The Pill. I think both people are supposed to take a breath and exchange some vital information such as testing history, relationship status, who has condoms and what other birth control methods are being used. While the guy was an ass – and an obvious idiot – I don’t think it’s fair to paint him as The Bad Guy in this particular part of the situation. I’m actually shocked that an adult male would make any assumptions about birth control given the possible consequences. Guys, allow me to clear something up: regardless of whether a woman says she can’t get pregnant or it’s a safe time or whatever, wrap it up. While she may genuinely believe these things, nothing is 100%. Don’t use any opportunity to go without a condom. And definitely don’t blame the woman should something actually happen. You were there, too. Not every woman is out to trap you so they can get a piece of your $150K a year salary.

Then, of course, there’s the STD factor, which I know a lot of people are going to address, so I won’t bother.

Finally, there’s the question of why she ever revealed any of this at all. The issues of boundaries once again rears its head. No, she’s not brave or raw or honest. That’s something else women need to stop. Writing this was foolish. Now that I’m getting work writing for other sites, I realize how popular and in demand the personal essay/narrative type pieces are. You can write such stories and self-edit and still offer a take away value without making yourself so vulnerable.  I wish we’d stop encouraging women to reveal so much before they’re truly emotionally mature enough to handle the possible fall out.

The biggest issue for me concerning this post – and frankly most posts that women bloggers write about their love and sex lives – is the total lack of accountability in the outcome. Yes, a lot of them acknowledge that they made mistakes. But then, just as quickly, they remind the reader of how awful the guy is. You know. Just in case they forgot. It’s almost always 100% exclusively the guy’s fault in every aspect. If a woman has a rocky dating history or struggles to keep a guy interested, it’s never because she makes bad choices. It’s because the men “tripped her up.” While we have all, at one time or another, willfully chosen to ignore red flags, there’s only so many times you can do that before your judgment comes in to question. One commonality that I notice in all of these articles is the air of experience these women try to convey, yet at the same time by sharing so much they actually reveal how inexperienced they really are.

I’m so tired of this passive role so many women are willing to take when it comes to their love lives. Everything appears to happen to them, implying that they don’t have any control or say in how things work out. They’re victims of men, yet they’re still empowered and self-sufficient and refuse to settle and have standards, dammit.

Sorry, but you ladies simply can’t keep trying to have it both ways, if for no other reason than you’re inevitably going to lose out on the very thing you claim to want. If everybody keeps passing you by and getting closer and closer to their goal while you sit there struggling, it’s not fate or destiny. It’s you.

 

 

SHAMELESS PLUG: Check out an essay I wrote for The Gloss. I’m actually quite proud of, as it discusses how my opinions of being single vs. being married have evolved over the past year. Like it, Tweet it & comment..please?

Can You Be Single And Still “Be Alive?”

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Birth Control, casual sex, Dating & Trust, Dating Blogger Drama, Dating In a Big City, First Date Sex, Kinky, Online Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Have You Been a Victim of The C*ck Bomb?

December 19, 2012 by 6 Comments

If you’ve been online dating for a few months and you’re a female, no doubt you have experienced the Cock Bomb. A Cock Bomb is when a man sends you a picture of his erect penis. Sometimes it’s out of the blue. Other times it comes on the tail end of a conversation or chat that has turned sexual. Either way, it’s not nearly as confusing or concerning as many women like to make it out to be.

As crazy as this might sound, some men just like the idea of showing strange women their penis. Before the internet, these men would hang out at parks in trench coats. Now they just sit in their boxer briefs, chub up and click send.

Here are some things to understand about the C*ck Bomber:

 

1. He’s TRYING to offend or shock you -Don’t try to decipher the method behind the madness of the C*ck Bomber. He doesn’t care if you’re put off. He wants a reaction.

2. He doesn’t necessarily find you attractive – The sub-text of any dating blogger’s “I just don’t get why men send me pictures of their penis” posts is, “Look how desirable I am!” Ladies, getting an unsolicited cock shot is not a compliment. It has no connection to your hot quotient. If anything, it usually means – sorry – that you’re not hot. Collecting pics of hard penises and comparing them when you’re out with your little gal posse for cocktails is the equivalent of a bunch of men whipping it out to see who has the biggest dick. It’s a contest to see who has the most and who has the best. And it’s sad.

If you find these types of solicitations gross and offensive, then it’s probably a wise idea to avoid chatting and texting off of the dating site. It’s definitely smart to abandon the conversation once any mention of sex comes up. I realize that some men just get a thrill from messaging a woman a shot of his penis or like to post profile pics of their oozing shaft to their dating profile. But some other guys are looking for more than just a reaction. They’re looking for stroke material. They’re hoping, with their not at all sexy or arousing dirty talk, that you’ll gladly join them in a virtual wank date. That’s it. You might as well be a Real Doll.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Get Women, Just The Tip, Kinky, Oral Sex, Servicey 2, Sex, Sexting, sexuality, Signs of Interest, Single Women Give Horrible Dating Advice, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

What Are The Signs of Sluttiness?

July 25, 2012 by 66 Comments

Ladies–if you don’t think a man can tell pretty reliably if you’re a slut or not then you’re fooling yourself.  Its a sixth sense to men with at least a moderate amount of experience, especially if they’ve been exposed to the red pill.  Women have a sixth sense when it comes detecting beta behavior or weakness in a man.  Men have a radar for detecting the sluts.  A slutdar. – Gannicus

 

Oooh. Is Slutdar like Gaydar?

This comment has me muy intrigued. I want to know the signs of sluttiness. I even created a whole new slutty post just to discuss this slutty topic.

For real. I want to know how a man “knows” a woman is a slut. I want to hear alllll about this Sixth Slutty Sense. How does a man tell if a woman is “well ridden?”

Is it that she talks a lot about sex? The funny thing is that I’ve always believed that is was the women who talked about sex the most that actually engaged in it and/or enjoyed it the least. So when I hear a woman yammer about her omigod so amazing sex life or about whatever dude she’s boning or her super power of not getting attached after sex, I tend to think she’s either lying or delusional or both.

Is it because she actually has sex with you? That seems a tad hypocritical, don’t you think. If you’re sleeping with a woman you think is a “slut” then doesn’t that make you a big fat flaming slut yourself?

Even if a woman doesn’t talk about her sex life, she can still be accused of “spreading her legs for any guy who takes her on one or two dates.”  That’s female talk, though. Shaming language borne of personal self-hatred and misery for doing that very thing and being pumped and dumped more times than they like to remember. Or an expression of their own loneliness, as no man wants to have sex with them. Women make such accusations. They need to believe that any woman who puts out before they would gets dumped. If a man does stick around, it’s because she’s a slut. Because, see, sluts aren’t supposed to find love or be happy. They’re supposed to be used and discarded. Like they were. They’ve been told their whole lives that men don’t want a slut. Nothing would shake their foundation more than to realize that that was a lie. That it wasn’t the sex that got them tossed. It was their personality, or their emotional instability, or their neediness. Or, and this is the real donkey punch to the ego, that those men had sex with them despite not finding them attractive. It would mean they’ve wasted years of viable dating experiences. These women convince themselves that, because they don’t get blown off after sex (but they do get blown off), that they’ve somehow spared themselves some form of ridicule. They’ve won. They’re alone and they’re miserable. But at least they can say they didn’t have sex with a man who never called them again. That would be the ultimate humiliation.

So tell me, kids. I want to hear all your slutty theories as to how you tell a woman is a “slut.” I want to here quantifiable ways someone can tell that a woman is a slut. None of this “we just know” bullshit, either. Because my guess is that this is a case of over-programming and too much exposure to the wrong people.

Share, kids. Share!

 

 

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Filed Under: casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating, First Date Sex, Game, Kinky, Oral Sex, Red Flags, Servicey!, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Fifty Shades of Douche

April 25, 2012 by 40 Comments

Interesting article over at The Frisky. This one is about Mad Men’s Don Draper and his supposed S & M fetish.

It’s important to note that no where in the interview with Mad Men’s creator Matt Weiner does he state that Don is into S & M.

“Don’s relationship — and [the] women in his life’s relationship[s] — between power and sex is very closely linked. And I think it’s part of the human experience. I think it’s an animal thing. Powerful men in particular seem to want to be controlled sexually. … I think what you’re seeing is that they do have a vibrant sex life, and she is controlling that part of it, and he likes it. And it’s the way they fight. And it’s kind of her saying to him, ‘You want to be this way? Then you can’t have this,’ and on some level wanting him to realize that he won’t get it. And what I love about it, and what I think is fresh, is that this woman is not judged afterward. It’s very rare for a woman to express that kind of sexual confidence and control and not be the prostitute, and be somebody’s wife and be in a relationship afterward. I’m both sexualizing their relationship and explaining her status in the relationship.”

 

Okay, but…Don does get it. Megan, his wife, does like to taunt him with the possibility that he might not be able to have sex with her should he continue to be the self-centered twat that he is. But she always gives in to him. It’s not as though she’s controlling him at all. More like she’s just issuing empty threats because she’s a child and that’s how children argue. It’s not so much a submissive/dominant dynamic as it is a parent/child dynamic. Megan is willfull, but it’s an act. There is no maturity or even distribution of power or control to Don and Megan’s relationship. Don is the one in control throughout. In fact, Don exerts a disturbing level of control over Megan. Megan was a failed actress who worked some entry level job at Don’s agency. Of course she’s going to find Don impressive. That’s part of the plan. Don is a damaged human being with a woefully fragile ego. He will never be with an equal.

I wonder if when women swoon over Jon Hamm they’re really expressing attraction to Don Draper. Hamm seems humble and sweet in interviews. And, of course, he’s quite handsome. I’m not saying all women actually want Don and not Jon. However, I genuinely believe what really draws some women to Hamm is the darker side to Don Draper’s personality.These women will never admit it, but only because, I believe, they aren’t aware of it.

Don is a narcissist. That’s what compels him to be so assertive and confident. He has to win. If you notice, he flames out whenever a client doesn’t immediately take to his campaign suggestions. He has to have the last word. Any blow like this to his ego throws him off his game. That’s why the women he chooses are noticeably weaker – emotionally, physically, professionally – than he is. He can not take on an equal. He has to be the dominant partner at all times.

Speaking of which…

Hi Moxie,

Have you read or at least heard of this Fifty Shades of Grey book? I begrudgingly read it for a book club I’m involved in and am still seeing red. Even more so when I went to the club and half the girls thought this guy would have been relationship material in the real world. I would almost go so far as to say the book is dangerous to girls and young women. I guess as someone once involved in an extremely destructive emotional sub/dom relationship in my mid 20s…the only thing good about it was it made me go to therapy to see just how fucked up the situation was. Just thought I’d throw it out there…might make an interesting blog post.

There was quite a hub bub last week over Katie Roiphe’s article in Newsweek. In the piece, she suggested that maybe some women, especially those who like to identify as feminists, actually secretly long to surrender in some way to a man like Christian Grey, the lead character in Fifty Shades of Grey. Roiphe suggests that that is part of the fascination with this book.  I’m suggesting, though I doubt I’m the first, that that’s also part of the appeal that Mad Men has for some women.

As strong and as independent as we are, there’s something about these types of dysfunctional men that we find attractive.  We like to battle these men and need to believe we can break them down so that we can feel as though we dominated them. But in order to get to that place we must endure incredible amounts of pain, shame and humiliation. We’re drawn to the psychological warfare these men provide, unaware if how truly damaged and damaging these men usually are.  We mistakenly find them charismatic. These men aren’t charming or cunning or even smart. They are broken individuals. We should fear these men but we don’t.

Ever since the book Fifty Shades of Grey made a splash, there’s been a lot more talk about “kinky” bedroom behavior and submissive/dominant relationships. To me, there’s a difference between intentionally engaging in or taking a submissive or dominant role and just having sex with someone who likes to hurt  or humiliate. It unsettles me at how often the two types of relationships get conflated.

In my mind, true healthy sub/dom relationships  involve a high level of communication and emotional maturity. Those relationships, to me, seem far more psychological than physical. They have to be in order to work.  Each partner has control and exercises it when they choose.

Don and Megan, in my mind, are not acting out some S & M fantasy. I don’t think either one of them have the intelligence or self-awareness required to  understand their dynamic, let alone exploit it for their personal sexual pleasure.

I don’t consider Don to be dominant. I think he’s a bully. And bullies are just cowards. I’m not saying that dating a guy like that can’t be intriguing for awhile. It can. Until, of of course,  it becomes exhausting and destructive. (And those situations always become destructive.) I just wish that some people would stop trying to justify their attraction to guys like Don or Christian Grey as being part of some sexual fantasy.  I think it goes much deeper than that.

I don’t think it’s a desire to be dominated that gets some of the more strong, independent women off. I think the attraction stems from a personal self-loathing or a need to be punished or an addiction to drama.  We’re not turned on by how they dominate us. We’re not even aroused. In those cases, we are not choosing to be dominated. We have no choice at all. We’re stripped of our control rather than willingly surrendering it.

That, to me, is the difference between a “kinky” sub/dom relationship and simply being attracted to assholes. That’s what many of these faux sub/dom situations are: just a woman who likes being treated like shit hiding behind sexual desire and empowerment.

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Filed Under: Dating, Douchey Guys, Kinky, Men To Avoid, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Is Slutty Really Such a Bad Thing?

April 14, 2012 by 28 Comments

Name: Linda
Age: 39
Question: My last relationship was very sexually intense. My Ex and I were very sexually compatible and had similar interests. I’ve been dating someone new for about 6 weeks. He’s more reserved than my Ex. The sex is great but I want to incorporate some of my fantasies into it. When is the right time to ask him for certain things i.e. facials, porn, etc? I feel shy and embarrassed asking him for what I like. I don’t want him to think I’m slutty.
Age: 39
State: NYC

 

Oh, sweetie. It’s never too soon to ask for a facial. :)

I think there’s a difference, at least in a man’s mind, between a “slut” and a woman who is “slutty.” My belief is that most men like “slutty” women. And yes, they’ll even date them seriously despite what you’ll hear out there from your girlfriends and insecure men.

You never want to deny yourself pleasure in this area for the sake of not looking “easy.” The trick is to make the guy think he’s the one who inspired this sudden, slutty turn. You don’t want to say something like how you love it when men do XYZ. The reasons should be obvious. While he might enjoy that one particular act in the moment, at some point he’ll imagine some other dude doing that. That kind of takes the fun out of it.  The guy knows he’s probably not the first guy to do these things to you. He just doesn’t want to know it. Catch my drift?

As far as the timing, you obviously shouldn’t be pulling out the bag of tricks after one or two dates. Get to know each other first. Find your sexual groove. That in and of itself can be fun. A lot of people have secret fetishes and fantasies that they’ve never shared because they’ve never felt comfortable. So start there. Ask him about his fantasies. Open up the dialogue that way. Then share yours. Just leave any mentions of past lovers out of it. Tell him that when you fantasize about such and such, he’s the man in the fantasy. Best time to do this is when you’re in bed. Obviously. Maybe you’re revving up for a session and you just come out and ask him what he likes.Ask him if he’s every been with two women. That usually kick starts the conversation. Once you get them going down that path it’s pretty easy to tell him you want a facial. A facial seems tame in comparison.

Ooh. I know. Here’s something fun. On your next date, excuse yourself and go to the ladies room. From there text him how you have been thinking all night of him doing XYZ., so can we pay the tab when you get back and get out of  here? There are all kinds of ways to make this fun and open his eyes to what you like. Send him erotic photos. Tell him you had a dream or fantasized about him that night or morning. Write out the fantasy and email it to him.

As long as you and this guy have established a good sexual rapport and the basic foundation is there – attraction, compatibility, mutual respect, arousal – you should be fine. But watch for any comments he might make that sound like judgments. As I’ve said before, any time I saw a man’s OK Cupid profile and he states that he doesn’t or won’t have sex on the first date, I roll my eyes and clicked the back browser. Same if he said “yes” to the question of whether or not there is such a thing to having too many sexual partners. He’s either lying or he’s insecure. If you are going to answer those questions, and I don’t think you should, be honest. Those men need to realize the type of women they are scoring points with – the ones who need to feel “special” or who denies that they’re “that kind of girl.” Let me tell you something…most of those women? They’ve taken a number of blasts to the face. I can assure you of that. So you ultimately end up with a woman who is either completely disinterested in sex, makes you work for it  or who denies that she likes it.

For the guys who say they insist upon only seriously dating women with a low partner count, I’ll say this. You’re either  woefully sexually inexperienced yourself or just plain bad in bed.  Same goes for the ladies. If you shun a guy for his level of sexual experience, it’s not because you think he’s a “manwhore.” It’s because you fear you won’t measure up or don’t like sex and don’t want to be expected to have it very often.

There. I said it.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Kinky, Naughty, Oral Sex, Servicey!, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , ,

Are You As Good In Bed As You Think?

March 29, 2012 by 10 Comments

I was reading an interesting article today entitled, “Ladies, You’re Not As Good As You Think.”

The author, Chris Jones, was giving the ladies a little what for about trying a little bit harder in bed.

I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there. That’s only natural, of course. There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.

This goes both ways, of course. Good sex has many definitions and is often subjective. What’s good to some might be meh to others. What one person considers “kinky” might be vanilla to another person.  I often read articles written by women who go on and on and about their supposed kinks and think, “Really? That’s kinky?” Like spanking or having their hair pulled. To me, that’s vanilla because those activities seem so common.

I think a lot of us believe that we’re much better in bed than we think. Because, let’s be honest, who is going to tell us we’re not?  I also think we can delude ourselves into believing that sex with a certain person was far superior than it actually was. We’re sure that they are experiencing what we are experiencing in that moment. Sometimes they are. But just as often, that look on their face isn’t lust or passion. It’s wonderment. You’ve become an experiment to them. You just don’t know it. You leave thinking that the chemistry is more powerful than it is. But it’s not. And they are not nearly as skilled as you believed. They just allowed you to lie to yourself while they lay back and reaped the benefits of your delusion. Once that haze clears and you see things as they are, you realize that they actually contributed very little to the experience.They did not possess any kind of skill. Just a willingness to let you do all the work.

Then there are the times where you waltz into an experience believing you brought more to the party than you really did. Your lover requests a certain position that is foreign to you, or requests an act that you’ve never tried. Yes, I know. You once felt that girl’s boobies in college, maybe you even slid a hand down inside her panties and wiggled it around a bit. Or maybe you dated a girl in college who once tied you up and had her way with you while playing Madonna’s Justify My Love or Erotica in the background. (I still have that image burned in to my brain after walking in on a college roommate trying that one.) There’s a vast difference between those occasional experiences and living a lifestyle.

We thrill at the idea of a man telling us to get down on our knees so he can give us a facial. We embrace that “slutty” side of ourselves. But when he asks if he can tie you up and make you watch as he has sex with another woman, that’s a different story. Those are the moments where we become acutely aware of our boundaries. But which boundaries and other outliers help us decide who is bad, good or great in bed?

There are two red flags for me that I believe hints at a person’s lack of sexual technique and desire.

First? They brag.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m wary of a man who goes in to any kind of detail in his profile about his sexual prowess and appetite. The few times I’ve actually engaged one of these men, I’ve been greatly disappointed. People – men and women – who feel the need to tell people how great they are in bed rarely actually are. That’s usually bravado at work.  They need to believe they bring something to the table. Something where they are superior than their peers and competitors. I now equate someone’s bragging and broadcasting with “emotionally stunted.” Yes, they very well might give me a mind blowing orgasm. But they’ll also give me a headache from having to deal with their baggage and issues. The only way they know how to connect with another person is through sex.

Second?  They have  arbitrary rules that must be followed before they have sex or do something sexual. I was meeting with someone today (the woman I’ll be doing out Blog Talk radio show with starting in April) and we were reviewing online dating profiles for a show segment.  I told her that I was suspicious of any man who answered No to the the OK Cupid question about whether or not he’d have sex on a first date. I understand that many men will say No because they don’t want to look like they’re just looking for sex. I get that. But even that is an expression of insecurity to me. Either don’t answer the question at all, or say Yes. Call me crazy, but I would avoid the men who answer No to this particular question. Either they have “rules” they need to follow or they are so afraid of losing out on an opportunity that they lie. Sexual chemistry is in the top three must haves for a relationship. Without great (and frequent) sex, the emotional intimacy suffers. Equally important, especially for me since I have a strong personality, is a confidence and a comfort in their own skin.Equally suspicious are women who seek casual sex but refuse to have sex with any guy that they meet until they’ve had at least one meeting. Meaning they won’t have sex with them until they’ve met up at least twice.

 

So here are my questions do you, my dear readers.

1. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were great in bed and realized you weren’t as good as you think?

2. What signs do you look for that help you determine if someone is going to be good or not so good in bed?

3. Have you ever thought someone would be great in bed and wasn’t? What did you do?

 

I was reading an interesting article today entitled, “Ladies, You’re Not As Good As You Think.” 

The author, Chris Jones, was giving the ladies a little what for about trying a little bit harder in bed.

I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there. That’s only natural, of course. There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.

This goes both ways, of course. Good sex has many definitions and is often subjective. What’s good to some might be meh to others. What one person considers “kinky” might be vanilla to another person. And so on. I often read articles written by women who go on and on and about their supposed kinks and think, “Really? That’s kinky?” Like spanking or having their hair pulled.
I think a lot of us believe that we’re much better in bed than we think. Because, let’s be honest, who is going to tell us we’re not?  I also think we can delude ourselves into believing that sex with a certain better was far superior than it actually was. We’re sure that they are experiencing what we are experiencing in that moment. Sometimes they are. But just as often, that look on their face isn’t lust or passion. It’s wonderment. You’ve become an experiment to them. You just don’t know it. You leave thinking that the chemistry is more powerful than it is. But it’s not. And they are not nearly as skilled as you believed. They just allowed you to lie to yourself while they lay back and reaped the benefits of your delusion. One that haze clears and you see things as they are, you realize that they actually contributed very little to the experience.They did not possess any kind of skill. Just a willingness to let you do all the work.
Then there are the times where you waltz into an experience believing you brought more to the party than you really did. Your lover requests a certain position that is foreign to you, or requests an act that you’ve never tried. Yes, I know. You once felt that girl’s boobies in college, maybe you even slid a hand down inside her panties and wiggled it around a bit. Or maybe you dated a girl in college who once tied you up and had her way with you while playing Madonna’s Justify My Love or  Erotica in the background. (I still have that image burned in to my brain after walking in on a college roommate trying that one.) There’s a vast difference between those occasional experiences and living a lifestyle.
We thrill at the idea of a man telling us to get down on our knees so he can give us a facial. We embrace that “slutty” side of ourselves. Many of us have even decided to take back the word “slut” and embrace it. But when he asks if he can tie you up and make you watch as he has sex with another woman, that’s a different story. Those are the moments where we become acutely aware of our boundaries.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m wary of a man who goes in to any kind of detail in his profile about his sexual prowess and appetite. The few times I’ve actually engaged one of these men, I’ve been greatly disappointed. People – men and women – who feel the need to tell people how great they are in bed rarely actually are. That’s usually bravado at work.  They need to believe they bring something to the table. Something where they are superior than their peers and competitors. I know equate someone’s bragging and broadcasting with “emotionally stunted.” Yes, they very well might give me a mind blowing orgasm. But they’ll also give me a headache from having to deal with their baggage and issues. The only way they know how to connect with another person is through sex.

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Filed Under: Awkward, casual sex, Dating, Hook Up Culture, Kinky, Oral Sex, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Is This The Way To Find Love Online?

March 10, 2012 by 19 Comments

Here’s a good article from The Frisky about how one of their main contributors, Jessica, found her boyfriend online.

There are three points she made that I actually think are interesting.
1. I was really, really, really specific and honest about who I am and what I’m looking for. If I had to sell myself, I knew I had to do it honestly. I know what I want and I figured that I wouldn’t waste my time or anyone elses’ time if I was straight-up about my wants and needs. That type of candor might make it sound difficult for other people, but I genuinely think it was how I found my dude. Pretty much every guy who contacted me said he appreciated my directness! For instance, my profile said that I am feminist, but I am attracted to more traditional guys. I said I was only looking for a long-term relationship. And I was also straight-up about having a spanking fetish. I laid all my cards out there and as a result, I didn’t waste two or three dates on duds. If saying I’m a feminist or saying I enjoy sex are dealbreakers, then I don’t want to date that person, anyway.

While I think it’s important to draw as clear a picture as possible, I think a lot of people – men and women – go too far.  I’m also not a fan of the, “if they don’t accept me as I am then I don’t want to date them” idea. Listen, I’m pretty sure if we all let it all hang out on our profiles, nobody would get any dates. Plus, describing yourself in a way that conjures up very distinct images/stereotypes – like kinky, feminist, no-nonsense, sarcastic, smartypants, republican, democrat -  is unwise. You will not be that one special snowflake that defies the stereotype. Not that soon. Sorry. Being too upfront WILL scare off potentially good people. It just will. Those descriptors will also most definitely attract certain types to you. And they may not be what you want, either.

As for the emails from men telling her how much they appreciated her directness, I have to say that most women get those emails. Especially if their ads mention sex in any form.The mere mention of sex will override anything else in the profile. Many men will overlook the red flags just because of that.  Of course a man is going to say he appreciates a woman’s confidence/directness etc.  He’s trying to sleep with her. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making it clear that you like and enjoy sex. Just do so with the understanding that a lot of men are going to take that ball and run with it. As an experiment, I suggest some of you ladies create ads on OKCupid and choose “causal sex” as a relationship option. Don’t post a photo or post some cropped pic that doesn’t show your face. You don’t even have to put much in your ad. Watch the responses roll in, and see how many men will compliment you on how hot you are, (despite being headless), how they find your directness sexy, etc. It’s what they do. It means nothing.

Stating that you “only” want a long term relationship guards you from little. It also implies that the person may have been suckered in to dating someone who wasn’t thinking LT.  If they were fooled once, they probably will be again.

3. I posted a picture of myself not wearing any makeup. A guy once told me me — and this is true — that women tend to post the best-looking, hottest pictures of themselves on their profiles. So this guy assumed the photo where she looks least “done up” might be closest to what she looks like, say, on Saturday morning and it was the one he paid the most attention to. Armed with this information, I posted a picture of myself wearing no makeup on my profile. And you know what? I still got responses.

Now this is interesting and I think pretty smart. This is why I advise people against getting professional headshots or photos taking for their profile. People are far too savvy these days. Most of us are aware of the wonders of Photoshop and airbrushing. If you are going to use a photo taken by a pro, with thew right make up and lighting, be sure to include a few “natural” or regular shots. Oh…and DO NOT try and photo shop your own photos unless you are really, really good at it. The tell tale signs of a bad photo shop job are obvious. Also leave  the black and white photos to a minimum. Those are usually used (at least for women) to hide wrinkles.

5. I deleted without a response and/or blocked the egregious time-wasters. One of the quickest ways to get frustrated from online dating is engaging with people who don’t meet the standards of what you’re looking for. If a guy contacted me who seemed otherwise cute/smart/nice but said he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship or wasn’t kinky, I would send him a polite note back that I was flattered he wrote me but I didn’t think we would work out.  Guys who were just egregiously not what I was looking for just got ignored.

Yes, yes and YES. That is, except for the part about responding to men who aren’t your type. Do not engage. You’re opening yourself up to having your time wasted by their attempts to convince you or to be assaulted with their rage. Block ‘em. That’s it. There are guys on those sites who will pester you because they feel entitled to a response. By blocking them, they will no longer see your profile. And trust me, there are some men and women on there who will go round and round on that site and forget who they contact.

Finally, it’s important to remember that just because ONE man or woman appears to have stuck around doesn’t mean something “worked.” I keep trying to impress upon people that someone calling you their girlfriend or boyfriend or sleeping over and having breakfast with you or just dating you doesn’t mean you’re on the same page. People will go through the motions unsure of the longevity of the relationship. Until they lay the groundwork demonstrating that they are in something for the long haul, be careful about making too many assumptions.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating In a Big City, Kinky, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, OKCupid, Online Dating, Red Flags, Sex Tagged With: , , , , ,

Has Dating Become a Full Contact Sport?

October 6, 2011 by 24 Comments

I read an insightful comment on another blog and it got me to thinking.

I hate sounding like a cranky old woman, but some things have happened lately that are leading me to believe that maybe things have actually shifted. That maybe it’s not about dating getting harder as I get older (having less choices, for example) but rather that the whole damn sport has changed. Kinda like basketball. Now it’s about brute force and everyone’s forgotten how to be a team player. Or something like that.- Simone Grant

 

It’s interesting that Simone mentions how dating has become less of a team sport. She’s right. It has. When it comes to dating, there is definitely now an “I” in team. The first thing people need to do is breakout of the self-absorbed and egocentric bubbles. That goes for men and women. If you wonder why you struggle to find someone for the long term, start with that rampant obsession you have with yourself. Stop marinating in your own juices for Christ’s sake. Let go of past hurts, stop caring so much how you’re perceived, stop hiding behind personas and just be you. Listen to the constructive feedback you receive and stop ignoring it. Get yourself in better emotional shape.

The problem as I see it isn’t that dating has changed. Change is good. Change is growth. The problem is that so many men and women refuse to adapt.

If we’re going to discuss how dating has changed, let’s discuss first the reason why people used to seek committed relationships and /or Marriage in the stone ages aka 10 years ago.

1. Financial Security - Well, that’s gone out the window, hasn’t it? Women no longer need to marry for financial support. Sisters are doing it for themselves. Now we have an increasing number of men seeking a “sugar mamma.” The current economic state provides them with a blanket excuse not to be the breadwinner. “It’s not just me! Lots of men are out of work!”  Those that are employed aren’t too eager to become responsible for or ruined by someone else’s financial situation.

2. Sex - Please. You want to know how to have regular sex? Put up a profile on OKCupid. It’s that simple for both men and women. There’s a debate out there over whether people – men and women – would prefer consistent sex with the same person or multiple partners. My guess is the women would like to find one consistent partner while men prefer variety. So now what? Trying to find a man who will provide consistent casual sex – good sex -  is a conundrum. Offer that and we condition men to believe  that it’s that easy to get. So why stop at just one partner? Also adding to the problem? See point 1. Yep. Men who are out of work or who aren’t “pulling their weight” could possibly suffer from feelings of low self-worth. Think about it. They lose their job, become depressed, lose their identity, and likely eventually lose their relationship. That’s a mojo killer. I’ll lay money down that there are a lot of sexually unsatisfied women out there. (We’ll discuss the affects Porn has had on relationship a little further down.)

3. Intimacy/Attention - Who needs intimacy when you have a blog or Facebook or Twitter? At any given time you can find someone to sympathize with you. Who needs actual human contact? Intimacy as we know it no longer exists anyway. When you have a podium from which you can belt out anything from what you had for lunch to why you hate your neighbors, why bother cultivating  substantive offline relationships? Need attention? There’s an app for that.

4. Children - Well, we don’t need marriage to have kids, do we? With all the medical and scientific developments over the past 20 years, getting pregnant no longer requires wooing or courting. With the divorce rate what it is, and with so many people down on marriage, and with the economy heading back in to the toilet the idea of bringing children in to this world is pretty scary.  It’s hard enough to support yourself, let alone a family.

Now, these things are all subject to change. The economy will get better, people will eventually stop relying upon the internet for attention, etc. But what do we do in the mean time? Do we wait it out? Or do we evolve?

If all the above criteria are taken off the table….how does one compete? What is it that we can offer that can’t be readily provided by an internet connection? Here’s where Porn plays its part.

One commenter on Grant’s piece made a pretty astute comment:

….. the 24/7 online pornfest has put the final nail in chivalry’s coffing. First, it has completely upped the ante of exceptions in the bedroom, immediate exceptions, not after a real sexual intimacy has been established. Also, forget about three dates, seems like pornstar sex is excepted by date two. Also, a lot of guys have burnt their desire out on porn and no longer crave sex with a real woman let alone real intimacy. And if a guy if stressed out from work, isn’t so much easier to jerk off in front of the computer than to deal with the real life version of a woman he has been commiunicating with by text (not even phone calls!!) – Veronica

I disagree that men expect porn star sex on date two.I don’t believe, for men anyway, that it’s as much about technique as it is about accessibility. Jerking off to porn IS a hell of a lot easier and less expensive – and sometimes a lot less painful – than having to endure a bunch of dates and hoop jumping and mixed messages. Many women are braying about their right to casual sex. But many of those same women are putting an embargo on the act when it comes to dating. This is a major disconnect between men and women. “She’ll make me wait 6 dates before we have sex, but she’ll have a fuck buddy? I don’t get it.” I think many women are arbitrarily changing their rules when it comes to sex, thereby compounding not only men’s confusion but their frustration. Why not just sign up for BootyDate or whatever site, find a woman and have sex with her?  Why not just stroke it to porn? Again, this is something that women are competing with for male attention. Women assume that what men learn or take from sex is how women like to be treated. I’m sure some men do. But I think the big take away for most men is that there appear to be women out there without sexual hangups, so why not just find and date them? Sure, some of those women have plenty of hang ups. Just not of the sexual variety. As long as they can keep those hang ups under control, men don’t mind them. But of they can’t? Buh bye. Moving on. I think many women feel the same. We just don’t have the energy to feed your egos anymore. We’re not responsible for the women who have come before us. Stop trying to make us feel bad because you chose poorly. And stop being afraid of being the bad guy. She doesn’t make you happy? Leave. Don’t cheat. Don’t keep one leg in and one leg out of your relationship. Make a move. Any move. But make one.

Ultimately, I think, the greatest competition out there for women is other women. The women who are letting go of the point value system and who own their sexual choices. Who don’t need a man but freely admit that they want one without feeling embarrassed or ashamed. The women who are adapting. What these women bring to the table is simplicity. The woman confident in her choices and desires are the most highly sought.

Same goes for men. Now, more than ever before, we have far more emotionally unstable/shattered males out there. They’re not bouncing back from break ups or divorces the way they did. They’re more vulnerable. It seems like women are expected to stroke their egos more and prove to them that they’re not like “other women.”  They want their cake and eat it too. They want to play the role of the boyfriend – a word that has no meaning at this point – but don’t want to make the full commitment. It’s exhausting. You wonder why so many women opt for the Mr. Bigs and Don Drapers? It’s because – despite the fact that most of these men are totally emotionally bankrupt – they go after what they want. They possess a confidence not found in other men.

Grant compared dating to a sport, and she’s right. It is a sport to some degree. And like any sport, in order to succeed one has to be willing to compete.  Bitching about men or women shouldn’t be a form of training, but it is these days. Blaming your lack of success on the other’s gender’s limitations or perceived issues isn’t going to improve your stamina. Putting down other men or women or trying to somehow slight them for not approaching things the way you do just makes you sound petty and jealous.Nothing is a bigger turn off to me than hearing a man compare themselves to other men and putting them down in order to elevate themselves. Same goes for women.

It’s go big or go home time. You can either face and rise above the challenges that dating now presents. Or you can sit on the bench with the rest of the JV squad and look on and wish you were them.

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Dating, Gender Roles, Hook Up Culture, Intimacy, Kinky, Latests Posts, Marriage, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Oral Sex, Sex, To Settle or Not To Settle, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Is Your Desire For Monogamy Keeping You Single?

August 9, 2011 by 126 Comments

Name: Anonymous |  | Location: Pittsburgh , PA |Question: My ex-boyfriend and I dated for about 7 months (the last 3 months of it, we were exclusive).  I am the one who broke it off. This is why: one day, when I went to watch TV at his apartment (which is hooked to his computer), I found it open to a swingers site. He was not logged in, but it had his username and a saved password in the login area. I did not log in (though I was tempted). I just closed the page.

He also had a second tab open to a local adult “playground” site. and it was open to a page showing that he’d recently communicated with someone. (They emailed back and forth). This time, I did look at the history, and saw this was the only person he had communicated with, and that he had initiated the conversation.

He told me he was afraid to tell me because he thought I’d dump him as soon as I found out he was ever a swinger.  He said that he decided to “leave the lifestyle” about three months into our relationship, right before I left for a one month trip [So out of the total 7 months, we were apart for one month, during which we kept in touch long-distance; then became exclusive once I got back]. He said that he slept with someone else (one of his old girl friends who is also a swinger) soon after I got back, and he said he got back on the websites soon after I got back (not before, while I was gone) as well.  In the meantime, we were seeing each other all the time.  We became exclusive soon after.

I told him that had he been truthful, I would have been open to at the very least checking out a swingers event or party, to see what it was like, and then figuring things out from there. He seemed genuinely remorseful when things ended, and wanted to keep dating. He says he didn’t sleep with anyone he had been communicating with after we became exclusive, but I don’t know whether to believe that or not. That said, I broke up with
him for lying to me, and also because I found it disrespectful that he was initiating contact with other women for sex behind my back, when we were supposed to be seeing each other exclusively (which he had claimed to be happy about).

We have not seen each other since [I needed time apart], but have stayed “friends” and communicate regularly over email. (At first by phone as well, but I ended that so I could get over him faster). That said, I would appreciate if you would please discuss why he would go back into “the lifestyle” AFTER becoming exclusive with me and telling me he missed me so much while I was gone. Also, should I have tried to work things through with him?  Thanks.  |Age: 28

 

I have to admit to being a bit turned around here, so please correct me if I get anything wrong.

I’m not sure where he lied to you. Are you referring to the fact that he didn’t tell you about his interest in swinging? I’m not sure he’s really obligated to do that. Just like you’re not obligated to tell him how many men you’ve slept with or whether or not you’ve been with a woman or had a threeway. Regardless of the logistics, sexual history and proclivities really aren’t our business and up to our lovers to share.

I found it disrespectful that he was initiating contact with other women for sex behind my back, when we were supposed to be seeing each other exclusively (which he had claimed to be happy about).

This right here? This is where you’re 100% justified. If you’re exclusive and he’s trying to organize or set up sex with someone else, he’s wrong.

That said, I would appreciate if you would please discuss why he would go back into “the lifestyle” AFTER becoming exclusive with me and telling me he missed me so much while I was gone.

This one is simple. He didn’t really want to be exclusive. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, doesn’t mean he didn’t really miss you. It just means he wants to have multiple sexual partners. And he wouldn’t be the first man or woman to want that. Nor does that desire make him (or her) bad or wrong. Monogamy isn’t for everyone, and there’s a debate as to whether humans are capable of it. personally, I don’t think we are. I think the only reason we use monogamy as the “typical” or “normal” outlier if an exclusive relationship is because society tells us we should.

The NY Times had a great interview with Dan Savage last month. In the piece, Savage discusses his thoughts on monogamy and how far a partner should be willing to go to preserve their relationship/marriage.

Such straight talk about the difficulty of monogamy, Savage argues, is simply good sense. People who are eager to cheat need to be honest with their partners, but people who think they would never cheat need honesty even more. “The point,” he wrote on his blog last year, “is that people — particularly those who value monogamy — need to understand why being monogamous is so much harder than they’ve been led to believe.”

How exactly does Savage think talking about monogamy’s trials make practicing it easier? In part, by reminding people to be good, giving and game. Straight talk about why we might cheat helps couples figure out ways to keep each other satisfied at home. If I promise my wife that I would never, ever, ever sleep with another woman, the conversation might end there, the two of us gazing into each other’s eyes (even if our minds might be wandering). But if I say, “I’ve been feeling sexually unfulfilled lately because I have a secret fantasy about trading dirty pictures with a woman” — well, then maybe my wife will e-mail me some of her. And so monogamy is preserved.

“If you are expected to be monogamous and have one person be all things sexually for you, then you have to be whores for each other,” Savage says. “You have to be up for anything.”

While I don’t think Savage is advocating that someone compromise themselves or push themselves to cross a sexual threshold with which they aren’t comfortable, I do think he’s suggesting that couples open the lines of communication and work to get past pre-conceived opinions that they have about sex and sexuality. A man once asked me to greet him at the door wearing stilettos and red lipstick. Given that the sexual aspect of our relationship was new, I was concerned. Was he already bored? What’s this fantasy about? Oh God…prostitutes! When he came over, I opened the door wearing an outfit that I chose. Before things got physical, I asked him the significance of the heels and cherry lipstick. It had nothing to do with porn or hookers or some random memory of his Mom schtupping the cable guy. He said, quite simply, he liked when I wore high heels and he loves my lips. I changed outfits soon after :) In my mind, I had created all these reasons for this, in my mind, possibly “deviant” fantasy. This conversation opened up the doors to deeper conversations where we confessed our individual likes, dislikes and insecurities. And that’s really where I think we get in our own way. This is where monogamy screws us up. We let our insecurity over not being enough for our partner get in the way of really understanding and talking about what we like -and more importantly – what we need – sexually.

The fact that you, OP, were willing to check out these parties with him shows that you were open minded enough to learn more about what turns him on. Had he told you, you probably could have gotten past this particular blip.

You obviously still have some lingering feelings. So I guess what you really need to do is figure out what you want. Do you want to be with him? Can you forgive him and put this instance of his dishonesty in the past and start with a clean slate? The real question is, could you get past and work with his desire to have sex with other women? Because that would have to be part of the equation, lest he slip again.

I know people will tell you to ditch him and find a man who won’t cheat. But what’s worse…a partner who secretly wants to cheat because they feel dissatisfied or just get an urge for something new..or a partner  that actually cheats? Aren’t both equally destructive to a relationship?

I think anybody – male or female – would be hard pressed to find someone who is content with the idea of having the same sexual partner for an indefinite and extended amount of time. In my mind, this is another thing that is tripping up so many people and preventing them from developing a relationship with someone else. The concept of and uses for commitment and monogamy are so vastly different now, and they’re in a continuous state of change. It’s getting harder and harder to keep up. Can you  broaden your definitions?

Sure, communication helps. Like the NYTimes piece suggested, sharing a fantasy of wanting to have an illicit affair with someone else could open up all kinds of possibilities for role playing and such. It’s possible that two people can find those sexual work-arounds, too. But both scenarios involve open communication and an honest look at why you may not be willing to fulfill such needs.

 

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