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The Serenity Prayer for Online Daters

April 9, 2012 by 48 Comments

Name: Rosie
Age: 36
Website:
Question: Hi Moxie

In the past week, I’ve had a few dates where the person has revealed a huge dealbreaker, such as dishonesty, drug use, or a major health or lifestlye issue they are not willing to address.

Date 1:

Advertised himself as 45 years old, with pictures of a himself in his mid to late 40′s.  In real life, he looked 65 and had children close to my age, very old fashioned mannerisms, and talked mostly about his health problems.  He went to the bathroom five times (enlarged prostate).  When he hugged me goodbye, rubbed my back and told me I was his “beautiful soulmate” I physically cringed.

Date 2:

Revealed during the date that he smoked cigarettes and the “other stuff” even though his profile stated he was a non-smoker.  His smoking has gotten him hospitalized several times because he has chronic and severe asthma.  I have mild asthma and was recovering from a chest infection and asked him not to smoke in front of me.  He agreed, but 30 minutes later lit up… twice.

Date 3:

At 48 years of age, is planning to release his first record despite having no experience in music, being unable to play an instrument, sing, write music or lyrics.  He plans on singing the tunes over the telephone to music company in another country, who will produce a digital master.  He will hire professionals to do the artwork, and have ten thousand CDs printed.  His janitor job does not provide enough money to finance this venture, and his credit is not good enough to borrow from the bank, so he is going to borrow money from a local lender.

Others:

A number of men I’m communicating with online make plans to call at a certain time, then don’t call.  Then they say they will call the next day, but don’t call.  Or they arrange a date then cancel 24 hours or less before the date, or “disappear” while arranging a time and date.  And worst is the man who asks for a date on a certain day, then says he will call or text on the day of the date to finalize arrangements but cancels hours or minutes before the date.

All of the above real scenarios are dealbreakers for me.  How can I vet the men I agree to date more carefully?   I’d love to hear your thoughts and get your readers’ input.

 

Hmm…this really is a parade of losers. I’m not sure there is any way to eradicate any chance you’ll ever meet a guy like this again, though. But I’ll take a stab at tips to help you prevent meeting too many of such kinds of people.

Give Me The Serenity to Accept The Things I Can Not Change

Yes, I just quoted The Serenity Prayer. The first thing you need to do is understand that having the occasional bad date or meeting someone who looks nothing like their photos or who isn’t completely honest is a staple part of online dating. Appropriate your expectations. Some people are deluded or don’t have an accurate perception of how they look. You need to accept that.

Give Me The Courage To Change The Things I Can

This starts with paying closer attention to the details that the person provides. Here are my basic rules of thumb:

1. I wouldn’t meet any man that didn’t have at least 3 photos on his profile. The photos all had to be clear shots of his full face and at least one full body shot. The pictures also could not be grainy or look outdated/hazy in any way. Only one photo? No dice. They also all need to be from different points. Not the same session. No distance shots, no profile shots, no shots with sunglasses or hats. Basically, no hiding.

2. No shabby dressers/photos of them in slovenly looking/dark apartments - Sounds like a no brainer but you’d be surprised. People pose in poor lighting for a reason.

3. Pay attention to their skin tone/hair/weight – You can tell the difference between someone healthy and unhealthy. A pasty/yellow tinged skin tone is an absolute no no for me. As is any admission to frequent drinking or drug use beyond pot. And even that I try to avoid if I can.

4. No references to having made mistakes “like everybody else” or not being perfect - Jesus, just post your criminal record if you’re going to say that.

5. No oversharers - These men you’ve dated all show signs of classic oversharing and lacking in self-awareness. I will guarantee you they showed glimpses of this in their profiles.

6. No pipe dreamers – Sorry, but if some guy is in his late thirties to forties and he’s still plugging away at being a musician, artist or actor, I bail. That is, unless he states out right that he makes a living at said profession. I don’t care how pissy some of you get – dating someone who is still struggling to establish himself at a career at that age is self-involved and irresponsible. They won’t be able to make a relationship any form of a priority. Plus they’re usually unstable in some way.

7. No creepy/off vibes - How any of these men didn’t trip off some trigger within you is beyond me. There’s no way these buffoons are able to present themselves well in their profiles. No way.  Avoid guys that make you go, “Meh.”

Give Me The Wisdom to Know The Difference

Here’s where you come in. We all have had the occasional bad date. But that seems to be the norm for you. Your radar is way, way off. You need to learn how to pick up on signs of ambivalence and moderate interest.

1. Get rid of the phone step – There. That was easy. I will bet many of these men are ditching you strictly because you are requesting a phone call.

2. Don’t accept vague plans - If a guy says he’ll follow up with you to “finalize” plans, he’s moderately interested at best or exploring other options. Try to get him to confirm plans in the very conversation where you agree to meet. If he’s not willing to do that, detach. If he says he’ll follow up tell him that’s fine and cut bait.

3. Be proactive - You’re leaving way too much up to the man. You need to take a bit more control here. Get a list of places together that are no more than 20-30 minutes away from you so you can offer up locations/meeting spots. Be prepared. Know your schedule. Suggest a specific night and time and location. The next day, don’t wait for them to follow up. You do it. Some of these situations could simply be a lack of communication or similar disconnect.

4. Don’t engage anybody that takes too long to respond without offering a viable excuse. Once that dialogue begins, it shouldn’t be staggered over a few days. If they’re not replying in a timely fashion, or they drop out of a conversation, they’re simply not interested enough. Move on.

2-4 emails over 48 hours, make the date, meet. That’s it. Anything else is a waste of time.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, First Impressions, Latests Posts, Men To Avoid, OKCupid, Online Dating, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , ,

How To Not Win Friends & Influence People

April 5, 2012 by 2 Comments

The other day we talked about getting stuck at the same point in the dating process over and over. Usually this occurs when it comes to dealing with what we perceive as conflict or resistance from the other person.

As much as many of us would like to get that person on the phone or in person so we can have what we believe would be a more productive conversation, we’re often stuck with email or text. And this would be where so many people end up shooting themselves in the foot. Electronic communication makes it hard to convey the appropriate tone or intention, and so we often end up putting someone off by our line of question.

I wanted to offer a few typical phrases and behaviors to avoid in these scenarios.

 

Please Explain

Someone recently sent me an email expressing confusion about an event location. She said that one page said one venue, another paid said another. She signed off with, “Please Explain.” Now, I’m sure she was asking me to tell her the correct location. (I did.) But closing with a demand – any kind of demand – tends to put people off. They very well might reply. Eventually. If they’re invested enough. But for the simple fact that you told them what to do, they’re going to make you wait. (I didn’t do this in my scenario.) Or they’ll just delete your message.

I Know You Think….

No, you don’t. And even if you do, nobody likes the idea that they are transparent. They will automatically go on the defensive. Presuming to know what the other person is thinking demonstrates your level of investment as well as your insecurity or tendency to project or overthink.

You Didn’t Do XYZ So I Assume ABC

This is a common one. The person never replies to your last email and drops off the face of the earth. You follow up just to be sure. “I haven’t heard from you so I’m assuming that means you’re not interested.” You’re probably right. But by admitting that you got their hint, you tip your hand. If you’re someone who has to know where you stand, admitting that you know they’re not interested makes you vulnerable to an “attack.” You’re telling that person that you’re choosing to subject yourself to being hurt. Find someone particularly cruel, and they will take this opportunity to hurt you more. The reality is that you have no idea what is going on in their life. Yes, they’re probably not interested. But there’s a slight chance they’re in a coma. Or just sick. Or busy. Don’t burn that bridge.

What’s Up With That?

No. Just…no. This is not something an adult should ever say.

Taking The Bait

Some people just want to get a rise out of you. If they can provoke you to be angry, they will take that reaction as a sign that they have a certain type of hold on you. Let’s face it…some people are toxic. These people will say intentionally provocative and inflammatory things strictly to get under your skin and hopefully stay there.

Lying

Whatever you do, don’t lie unless you are a) sure you’ll never get caught or b) really, really good at it. Definitely avoid elaborate, logically inconsistent lies that insult someone’s intelligence. Here’s the deal…you never know what the other person knows. In today’s world, where we’re all so accessible, all someone has to do is go to your Twitter or Facebook page. “You said you were so sick yesterday and that’s why you didn’t reply? So how come you sent 15 tweets yesterday?” or “You said you were dating someone else and that’s why we never met. So how come, every time I log on to OK Cupid/Match you pop up on my Favorites list as having just signed in?”  The liar ends up looking stupid and possibly crazy. That alone will make someone choose not to engage.

Repeatedly Emailing

There is absolutely NOTHING that works my nerves than someone who sends me multiple emails in a brief time period asking the same question. This sort of behavior screams self-absorbed. The world does not revolve around anybody. Send the email, wait 24-36 hours and then follow up. Do not…REPEAT…do not send multiple messages in a 24 hour period. That makes you look anxious and neurotic.If someone doesn’t answer you, it’s either because something more pressing is going on, they forgot or they simply don’t wish to engage you. By the 2nd email in under 24 hours, you automatically get dropped down the To Answer List.

Entitlement

I once had someone email me asking for the location of an event. I replied and gave them the name of the spot. They replied and said they didn’t have the address. I replied again and sent them a link to the page, as my laptop was on the blink so I had to use my phone to respond. Because they were using their mobile phone, the link went to a page that didn’t list the location. So the person replied back again saying they couldn’t view the page. I wanted to scream, “Google It!!!!!!!!!!!” But I didn’t. It’s my job to answer her, so when my laptop was up and running I got her the info she requested. If you can find something out on your own, do it. Insisting that someone – a date – meet some obscure and innocuous demand will make you look difficult.

I’d Prefer To Talk On The Phone

Never. Going. To. Happen. Once they hear that, they are going to intentionally stick to email so that they can control the conversation. They are going to avoid getting sucked in to a drama. If they do call, it will be when they are good and ready to call.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Skills, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, The Emotional Vampire Tagged With: , , ,

Plausible Deniability & Dealing With Conflict

April 2, 2012 by 5 Comments

Recently, someone from my past contacted me to discuss something I had said in passing here. It was said not in a post, but in a comment.  He was understandably annoyed. I told him that just because something could apply to him doesn’t mean it was directed it him and suggested he simply not read if he was going to personalize everything that is said.

Truth? What I said was in a way inspired by him.  To say that my opinion or expressive commentary wasn’t would be disingenuous.

I wasn’t annoyed at being called out. What annoyed me was his explanation as to how he found out about it.

“Oh, I didn’t read it. Someone that I turned on to your column read it and told me about it.”

Now, that’s entirely possible. Anything is possible.

Rather than say he had read it, he felt it necessary (I believe) to manufacture a source. That way he can take a tone of aloof superiority with me and maintain plausible deniability should I (or anybody else) decide to turn the argument around on him and ask why he’s reading in the first place.

All of this got me to thinking about our own ability to concede and offer a genuine apology. To some people it comes with little angst. But to others, there is a staunch refusal to give in. Their position in the dynamic is far too important to them.They need to cling to the moral high ground, absolutely lying to themselves and others about their contribution to the so-called “problem.”

I recently tweeted that, in order to have an honest conversation with someone, each party needs to be able to be honest with themselves. We say this as it’s a given. Of course. But I think what many people fail to understand is that there are a lot of people who are incapable of this. Which makes dating them very, very difficult. If they are unable to admit their errors or their participation in the current conflict, then there is no point in arguing. There is no winning.

Dealing with conflict is never easy and often exhausting. Especially if one or both parties aren’t very good at resolving the issue productively. Much of how we deal with conflict comes from our environment. We learn at a very young age to either fight or retreat.

About a month ago, I was in a situation where a man and I had had a disagreement over something that, in hindsight, was silly. I watched him putter around his kitchen and get food that he had ordered for us and lay it out on the coffee table in his living room. He didn’t look up, he didn’t say a word. He sat down at the coffee table, crossed his legs and put on The Simpsons, his back to me. He had laid a place out for me. I sat at his computer and watched this unfold, also saying nothing.  Refusing to sit at that table. I looked at him, sitting there with his legs crossed, watching a cartoon.

I got a flash of an image. It was of a little boy eating his dinner in front of the TV, away from what was going on behind him, completely detached. Escaping I think is a better word. In that moment, I couldn’t be angry. This was all he knew. This was how he coped with conflict. He shut out the noise and the tension and just drifted off in to his own world.

Maybe I was projecting my own similar experiences as a child. Due to my Mom dying and everybody grieving in their own way, there was tension. Nobody was really talking about their feelings. They were just..reacting.So I would sit in front of the TV and watch The Brady Bunch and shut it all out.My sisters were all much older than me and were in different stages of development. They would fight over clothes and boys and who gets Dad’s car.  (Is it any wonder my Dad would literally work 18 hour days?)

Growing up in a family of 5 daughters – 5 strong, outspoken women – tends to condition somebody to confront. So you grow up thinking that this is how it’s done and that everybody takes the same approach. So when you come up against someone who takes the exact opposite stance, it can be unbelievably frustrating. You can try to be more in tune with their needs. You can accept them for the tools that they have or don’t have. But by a certain point in our lives, it’s almost impossible to “fix” them.

My friend J. and I were talking about this situation yesterday and she said, “A lot of people aren’t concerned with personal development.  And that’s okay.”

She’s right. Some people will never be who you want them to be. They will never develop the skills necessary to resolve conflict in a productive way. Everybody has their own tool box.It’s just that some people’s boxes are more complete than others. The hard part is finding someone who has the same or similar tools as you do.

Resolving conflict in a healthy way and in a way that doesn’t make you want to shoot your face off starts with one thing:

Accountability. What have you done to add to the mounting tension? Refusing to admit what you’ve done strictly so you can maintain some level of superiority isn’t going to help you get what you want. Then you need to be sure you are justified in your reaction and equally guilty of the same behavior or act.

Next,  you need to show empathy. Why is this person feeling what they are feeling? You don’t have to agree with it. You just need to make a genuine effort to understand. The thing people don’t realize is that some people are incapable of this because every thought they have is fueled by their own self-obsession.

Finally, you need to be able to decide if this problem is actually a problem at all or if you’re choosing to make it one.

That’s the place you come from when you react or make a request.

For me, there are rare cases where I will stand my ground in an argument and refuse to yield. Bullying of any kind will never work on me. Neither will blatant lying or manipulation. Trying to assert control over me will not end well. For either of us.

But when I do become that stubborn, that is a warning sign to me that this is not a relationship I wish to save.  If I’m putting my own ego first, then what does that say not only about my feelings for this person but my ability to be in that particular relationship? Why am I there in the first place??

If you continue to push, you need to ask yourself one thing:

1. Why is it so important to you to “win?”

If you don’t have an answer to that, a real one and not just “Because I’m right”, then you need to just stop.

I’ve said this before. There is no winning in these situations. You might get what you want in the short term. But in the long term, needing to win will eventually become a bigger problem for you.

The truth is, you will not always win. Accept that and move on.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating In a Big City, He Said/She Said, Latests Posts, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Uncategorized

He Said/She Said – Nice Guys, Hook Ups & Cheating “Boyfriends”

March 27, 2012 by 36 Comments

Here are some interesting questions from last night’s He Said/She Said panel. (Where I may or may not have had a few Cosmos and am now suffering from a hangover.)

 

If your date wants a hookup but not a relationship, what would be an appropriate way for him to express this?

The tricky part about this is that many women, if they receive such a proposal, will wonder what it is about them that makes a guy think she would be open to that. She’ll wonder if he thinks she’s “easy.” The answer is: probably. But being considered “easy” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. “Easy” to a lot of men often means “simple to deal with/doesn’t have hangups.” If you’re somebody just looking for a casual hook up, then put up a profile on OKCupid and select “short term dating” as your only relationship choice. Do not select “casual sex” because you’ll repel the stable women and attract a lot of the crazies. I’ve come to learn  that it’s a certain type of man or woman that puts their picture up on a profile and openly states they’ll have casual sex. Rarely are those people easy to deal with. Or, you know, healthy. Don’t drag a woman out to meet you under the guise of being open to a relationship and then spring on her that you’re just looking for something casual. If you meet a woman off line and things are clicking and you’re feeling a mutual attraction, then ask her if she’d like to go back to her place or yours, but tell her you’re not looking for a relationship. Not every woman will slap you in the face or call you a masher. Women say they want a man who is honest? Then be honest.

 

Why do women say they want a nice guy but then meet one and want something else?

Easy. Because either they don’t really want  a nice guy OR the guy isn’t so much “nice” as he is “boring” or “weak.” Women want a “good” guy. But we also want a guy with an edge. A bad boy with a good heart. Not only do many of us get bored with a guy who is “too nice” but we long for – whether we will admit it or not – that little bit of drama that comes from not knowing where we stand. A guy that is too accommodating or available is usually deemed “weak” by a woman. I’m not suggesting that a man be rude or mean or abusive. But he should be mysterious and not totally available. Same goes for women. When we say we want a “nice” guy we typically mean a guy who isn’t a selfish asshat. That’s not the same as “nice.” The problem isn’t that we don’t want the nice guys when they cross our paths. It’s that we are not properly defining “nice.”

This question comes from a recent comment. It brings up an issue I’ve wanted to address ever since reading a post here.

He played the part of the fantastic boyfriend to the hilt, so much so that it was like living in a Hollywood movie – and then out of the blue and without any warning, he pulled the “freeze-up,” at which time I discovered that he was online trying to date and have sex with other women (or perhaps had already been doing it while we were together – yuck!), so I ended it. – Terry

Here’s the deal, ladies. If your “boyfriend” is online or has an active profile on a dating website and has his picture attached to it, he was not your boyfriend. Like, at all.  There was no “relationship.” I want everybody to really ask themselves what kind of person does this -  post a photo on the internet, probably on the very site where you and they met, and is openly trolling to dates or sex. While I’m sure there are a few sociopaths out there, the chances that all of the women and men involved with that post I linked to actually met one is slim. No, these people either were “dating” someone for a short period of time and made assumptions, imagined the relationship in their head or couldn’t wait to join the club of people who thrive off being wounded and have been “cheated on” by “boyfriends.” It gives people a sense of community and makes them feel like they have more relationship experience than they actually have. They take something innocuous, that means nothing, and turn it into a drama simply so they can say they once that happened to them, too. If you’re on a dating website skulking around for “proof” of infidelity, you’re “relationship” is clearly pretty tenuous, if it exists at all.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Co-Habitation, Date Like a Man, Dating, He Said/She Said, Latests Posts, Marriage, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Sex, Texting, The Fade Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

When Will She Stop Withholding Sex?

March 21, 2012 by 33 Comments

Name: Jay
State: New York
Age:
Comment: I am a 26 year-old male and I have been with my girlfriend for around 11 months now, on and off. We just got back together and emotionally she is getting close to me again but she has withheld sex from me since December and is still doing so. She claims sex is something I get when I gain her trust and I lost her trust by starting petty fights repeatedly during the months we’ve been together. Before December we were having sex about 3, 4 times a week.
Her rejecting me physically makes me feel worthless and I don’t know how much longer she is making me wait. Is this normal behavior on her part? What do I do to get her to have sex with me again?

She claims sex is something I get when I gain her trust and I lost her trust by starting petty fights repeatedly during the months we’ve been together

So, you two haven’t had sex in almost four months? And you’re still sticking around? Why? You’re 26. Why not just ditch this girl and find someone else rather than allow her to emasculate you like this? It’s not like you’re married. So just leave her and find someone else. That seems like the easiest solution. You’ve already broken up once. That right there is a bad sign. Why hold on to something that doesn’t appear to be very healthy or that makes you unhappy?

I realize that probably wasn’t you wanted to hear, but the alternative – to help you get this woman to have sex with you – just felt all shades of wrong. Withholding sex is just one of the many forms of abuse that a man or woman can endure in a  relationship. Ergo, I wouldn’t advocate staying in such a situation.Really? She broke up with you because she claims you started petty fights, but then got back together with you anyway, thinking if she withheld sex she wouldn’t be giving in? So this is her way with dealing with her own shame or whatever for giving you a second chance? Or does she just like the idea that you’re so whipped you’ll suck it up just to be around her? Either way….that’s a pretty ugly personality there. But it’s also a sign of real emotional immaturity and poor relating skills. I’m assuming she’s younger than you, yes? Say 21-25ish? She gets somewhat of a pass because of her age, but this behavior doesn’t bode well for her future relationships. Or for you.

She doesn’t know how to express her own doubts and hurt, if she has any. Her way to deal with conflict is to punish you and be hurtful. Dating someone who doesn’t know how to communicate such feelings in a healthy way is an uphill battle. Most people take one of two stances when it comes to conflict – they either run away or shut down or they confront the conflict head on. Neither is especially productive.

Also confusing is why she would give up having sex with you if she was having it that frequently before. Is it possible she just doesn’t like sex and is using this as an excuse not to have it? Or that she fears you just are interested in sex or nothing more?Or that she’s, well, getting it somewhere else?

This is an example of how women place such a high value on sex and use it as a bartering chip. Women who do this have a limited understanding of how real relationships – healthy ones – work. It’s a strategy, and it often fails. That is, unless they manage to land a sucker so desperate for a girlfriend that he tolerates it.

You two need to talk about what’s really going on here and you need to get to the bottom of her real concerns. Because this dog don’t hunt. There’s more to it than just her using sex as a reward.

You have to ask her what her true concerns are. If you’ve rectified the behavior and she’s still withholding sex, then the truth is that this girl either just isn’t into you or gets off hurting you.

If you insist upon staying in this relationship, you need to regain some of your footing and stop letting her call the shots. If she doesn’t want to talk or if she continues to her sex strike, then you need to make it clear to her that if she doesn’t have sex with you, you’ll just find someone else who will. If she’s not having sex with you, then as far as I’m concerned, all bets are off. You’re free to do what you want. If she doesn’t like that, well she can always either start having sex with her boyfriend and stop playing games or she can trot along and find some other guy who lacks a backbone to tolerate her drama.

The question you need to ask yourself, Jay, is…how much sh*t are you willing to eat? No man or woman would ever tolerate someone treating them this way. So you need to figure out why you’re desperate to stay with this girl.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Latests Posts, Manly Man, Men & Conflict Tagged With: , , , , ,

The Stranger

March 20, 2012 by 6 Comments

Name: Kitty

State: NY
Age: 45
Comment: Hi Moxie:  So I’m giving online dating a try and signed up for JDate.  My Modern Orthodox community here on Long Island is medium size, but I’m open to meeting less religious types…and those outside of my immediate area.  Among those that keep showing up as ideal matches are a few guys in my community…two of whom are actually interesting.  Not sure how to handle the “I see you on JDate” thing, I sent each of them a cute email which essentially said “Hi I see you here online, nice profile”.  Nothing more personal.  One man I know (he’s in the fashion biz and seems to date models), and the other is a very high profile business man.  (He’s widowed).

I should add that I have kids in middle school and both of these gents have kids who are in college and beyond…so unless they want a busy household…I won’t be interesting on that level either.

Did I do the wrong thing by saying a nice hello online?  Both responded politely, nothing more.  Not that I’m really expecting something, but I’m curious as to how YOU would handle things when you see someone in your extended circle on line.

 

Here’s what I think, and this is definitely going to be colored by my personal preference.

In today’s world, many of us have online and offline personas. We all feel somewhat vulnerable about who sees and who knows what.  I’ve had men reply to my dating profile and refer to the column or call me Moxie. I don’t like it. I always delete those emails or don’t respond. If I did respond, it would only encourage the guys to continue emailing me and I don’t want that. As I’ve said before, I don’t date men who show interest in the column in any way beyond general curiosity or who offer themselves up as column fodder. These men are showing interest in Moxie, not the real me. I am at a distinct disadvantage with those men, since they have access to me that I don’t have of them.  That makes me way too vulnerable, so I avoid them at all costs.  I’ve been involved with someone who did that, who used information he learned from monitoring me online without my knowledge, and used said information to his advantage while feigning ignorance.  I’m sure most of these men have no malicious intent. But some do, so they all get thrown in one group. Not a risk I’m willing to take.

While there is no real stigma to dating online anymore, that doesn’t mean people are totally comfortable with folks from their “real” lives knowing anything about their personal lives that they do not choose to share. It’s not about being embarrassed. It’s about feeling a little too vulnerable. We’re all so accessible now that I think many people prefer to believe – even if it isn’t true – that they can still be somewhat anonymous. (PS? You submitted this letter using your real name. In the future, be sure to use an alias. If I didn’t know you, I may have posted this letter using your real name thinking it was an alias. )

I often see people I know on various dating sites. I don’t contact them unless we’re close friends. If I know them well enough and want to say hello, I email them. But if they are just guys I’ve dated or acquaintances? I let them go about their business. I allow them to believe that nobody is watching. Dating is hard enough. Nobody wants to think that someone is monitoring their personal lives in some way. Sure, people might say that they’re choosing to put themselves out there, etc. Yes, I agree. But there’s a difference between putting themselves out there the way I or any other blogger does it and the way a “civilian” does it.

I think, should you encounter other men online that you know in real life, you shouldn’t acknowledge that in your intro email. If they recognize you, they recognize you.  By saying something to them about how you know them offline, it could make them a bit…paranoid. By not saying something, you’re demonstrating an understanding of privacy and boundaries, two things very important to most men.

I don’t think you did anything wrong by saying hello, per se. But I wouldn’t be surprised if their polite response and nothing more had a little to do with the fact that they recognized you from real life.

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Filed Under: Dating & Blogging, Facebook, Latests Posts, OKCupid, Online Dating, Social Media, Social Rules of Dating Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Does He Tell Them He’s Been Snipped?

March 19, 2012 by 32 Comments

Name: IA
State: MA
Age: http: 38
Comment: When do you reveal to a lady that you’ve had a vasectomy?  During my previous marriage, the ex and I agreed to have no kids so ‘snip-snip’.  Unfortunately we divorced 2 years ago and now I am back on the dating scene.
I’ve purposely targeted online women who want no kids or say they aren’t sure while I make sure to highlight in my profile that I don’t want kids as an option.
For the last three ladies I saw, I revealed my vasectomy around date 3 before anything got hot and heavy.  The reaction among all three was to nix the dating process right there, even though they had stated they were waffling on kids.  One lady pretty much said she may not want kids, but she wants to retain the ‘option’ of it in case she changes her mind, and my vasectomy would not allow her to do that.
Being a red blooded male and going through a long drought, I’m tempted to not reveal this in the future so early in a relationship until after doing the dastardly deed.  Anything wrong with this and when is the proper time to reveal this issue?

If you’re not looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage or something more long term, then I don’t see the need in bringing this up at all other than when discussing birth control. And in that case you still wouldn’t need to bring it up as long as you and she were taking the appropriate precautions.

If you are looking for a relationship that could lead to long term commitment, then I’d say to focus on women that don’t want kids and who say so. Granted, many women don’t want children but still say they “might” want kids because they don’t want to look cold in some way. So you’d be shooting yourself in the foot if you excluded that group of women. My advice is to state in your profile that you don’t plan on having children. (Don’t mention the vasectomy. That’ll just open up a can of worms.) You don’t have to verbally write it out. Just select the appropriate check box. That’s it.  Then you don’t have to reveal anything. You’ve covered your bases. If you sleep with a woman and you date for a few months and the kids issue comes up, you can point to your ad and say, “I said in my profile that I don’t want kids.” She has no argument. Let her feel misled all she likes. She chose to go out with you knowing where you stood on the issue.

Should a woman ask why you don’t want children, just say that that’s a decision you made a while ago and parenting is not for you. That’s it. Any woman who asks such a question is, and I hate to admit this, testing you. Sher wants to see a) if there’s anything wrong with you and b) how flexible you might be on the issue. It’s really none of her business.

If these women who “might” want kids are going out with you when your profile says you don’t want kids, then you’re better off rid of them. That in and of itself explains why they’re single.  They want their cake and want to eat it, too. They want to date around and be picky and refuse to settle and go after the wrong guys and go on date after date after date.  They also want the option of being considered by the men their age or younger. Can’t have it both ways, ladies.

I understand why people say maybe. They do it for the same reason that people lie about their age or height – to be included in searches. Women over 37 or so don’t want to say “Yes” or “Definitely” because they fear men will think they have baby fever. They’re being cautious.

Waffling on this point after age 35 is usually indicative of other issues. Issues that definitely need to be addressed before they even consider entering in to a relationship.

So, IA, my advice is to let your profile do the talking for you. Contact women who say “maybe” or who admit they might wants kids. If they read your profile and think they’ll change you, that’s on them. If you meet someone and reconsider your decision to have kids, then look in to whether or not you can get the process reversed before bringing it up. You don’t owe any of these women full disclosure as long as you’re being up front in your profile. The why you don’t want kids is irrelevant. Should you feel that things are headed in a serious direction, THEN bring it up just to be sure you and the woman are on the same page. But before that? No. You don’t owe them any further explanation.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Birth Control, Dating, Do I Confess?, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Sex, Single & Child-Free Tagged With: , , , ,

The Player Sh*t Test: Does “Game” Really Work?

March 17, 2012 by 28 Comments

This morning I read a post over at Private Man’s blog.

The post offered advice to women on how to spot a player.

 

A man starts a conversation with a woman who is single….

The conversation continues and gets just a bit more personal. They find out what each person does for a living, how many kids they each have, where they each were born. The man then asks for the woman’s phone number or suggests that they go have a drink. The woman is secretly thrilled yet shows nothing. She should be thinking “This guy started the conversation, What if he’s a player? Maybe he’s one of these pick-up artists who just wants a sexual encounter and nothing more?”

To any woman who finds herself in this situation (and who doesn’t just want a sexual encounter), here’s what she must ask, verbatim:

“What if I told you I was seeing someone?”

A man of good character will back off. He might apologize. He might just say “too bad”. He might even compliment the hypothetical boyfriend as “lucky fellow.” Regardless, he’s respecting the woman’s current, if mythical, relationship. This guy is a keeper.

 

Here’s my first question. Am I the only one who would consider, upon hearing a line like “What if I told you I had a girlfriend/boyfriend?”, that the person was obviously testing me and would walk away?

I don’t know. For me, it’s that kind of stuff that makes me breathe a heavy sigh and go, “Next!”  There’s a fine line between being coy and smooth and being, well, dodgy. This, too me, feels dodgy.

Question two. If someone tells me they are “seeing someone” is that considered “being in a relationship?” Would it really be a sign that the woman or man is someone of ill repute if they tossed their hat in to that ring?

Finally, so what if he or she “just wanted a sexual encounter.” I mean, say no. Or say yes and maybe end up having a relationship. Are men really so terrified of being “used” in this way? I just don’t get it.

I look at Game like I look at The Rules. Or prayer. (Yes, I just said that.) They’re both used as a way for men and women to feel as though they are in control of a situation over which they actually have no control.

It’s like what we were saying last week about that article on how to get a boyfriend using online dating. Did all those things the woman did with her profile really help her find a guy? Or did she just happen to find a guy, and she thinks her approach therefore “worked?”

Does any of this stuff actually work? Or do we just think it does? And what are the metrics used to define “success?”

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Over 40, Dating Skills, Game, Latests Posts, Low Hanging Fruit, Manly Man, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , ,

Are Their Dangers To Dating Someone Who Is Separated?

March 16, 2012 by 27 Comments

Name: offensivedan
State: La
Age:
Comment: Given that I am approaching middle age, I have noticed more and more women, in my dating pool, are divorced or separated. In the past, I would never date women who were separated nor women who were recently divorced-i.e. less than a year.  However, I am rethinking my approach and would like comments from the readers of this blog and their experiences.

First, should one consider dating separated persons or is it an experience fraught with danger? Should you be dating if you are separated? Second,if one meets a divorced person how long does it take for them to get over their failed marriage and be open to a  new relationship? For background, here in Louisiana, a person must be seperated for 6 months before the law will grant a divorce while 1 year if there are minor children.

 

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, Divorce, Latests Posts

The Plight of The Single Man

March 15, 2012 by 56 Comments

Name: Pete
State: NY
Age: 25
Comment: I see a lot of  blog posts on this site about how many options men have in this city. However, what ages are being referred to is a major factor. For a 40 year old man dating 35 year old woman it’s the pick of the litter, not so much for a guy in his mid or late twenties dating women in their twenties. The ratio of women to men even under the age of 30 may technically be in the guys favor but is overcome by several obstacles. Young attractive women being able to fully rely on their looks and how big social circles are with such women in the city make it a difficult place to date as a guy under 30.

In person guys that are nice (yet confident, well dressed, and engaging) and don’t lead with money or status are usually immediately blown off by young attractive women as just another random guy that night hitting on them. Being that new york city has so many people, after living here a few months I’m learning it is very big on social circles and social status. I regularly hear women in groups ask a lady I approach at a social venue “do you know this guy?”. If you’re in the social circle most of the hard work is done for you and the guard is down. However, if you’re not in that social circle it’s usually very difficult. Often if having a good conversation with a young lady and do things by the book and introduce yourself to a group of women they will verbally and/or physically pull the girl away even if she’s resisting the pulling. Other situations such as a women you just met getting angry that you won’t buy her a drink or immediately losing interest after finding out you don’t have a 150k+ job I’ve experienced here but haven’t in other cities.

In the online dating scene I hear relatively often from attractive young women how they get a ton of messages every day (e.g. 50 messages). Also, at least 80% of such profiles I read have at least one of these three things 1) state something along the lines of “I’m really apprehensive about this site and trying to wrap my head around this whole thing” 2)“i’m hot and have these requirements…” 3) have virtually no text written. Sometimes I go to message women with such profiles out of curiosity who have recently logged in and it shows their mailbox as being full or they send pointless one sentence replies back.

Much of the problem is the fault of my fellow men. Bad behaviors of women are reinforced by guys hitting on them in person and sending them messages online even with these women demonstrating very rude/selfish kind of behavior.

Just putting it out there that the city is a tough place to meet women for a lot of guys that are young professionals even with there being a lot of attractive women and a ratio in the guys favor.

 

Here’s what I hear:

I’m an average guy who goes after women who are a) heavily pursued b)have a lot of options or c) are wicked obnoxious. None of them want me. It’s not fair.

Like women in their twenties and thirties pursuing the Don Drapers, men in their twenties and thirties are trying to woo the Bettys. It used to be that it was women accused of coming to Manhattan with dreams of meeting the rich i-banker. Now it seems that men have developed similar delusions. They want the “hot” girl. They don’t care how smug or self-important she is. They want the woman who will help them believe that they are more attractive or engaging than they really are. They want the trophy.

The problem is that they can’t compete. So rather than setting their sights lower, they decide to make it about how awful and entitled the women are. For the record, nobody is debating this point. I’m sure trying to date in your twenties as a male is brutal since a large segment of your market is in such high demand. But if you would just accept that you belong in a certain caste and stop trying to date out of it, your experience would become exponentially more positive.

Much of the problem is the fault of my fellow men. Bad behaviors of women are reinforced by guys hitting on them in person and sending them messages online even with these women demonstrating very rude/selfish kind of behavior.

Sometimes I go to message women with such profiles out of curiosity

Oh. I see. So when you message them, you’re not enabling them. Because you’re a Unique Snowflake. You’re “testing” them. Complete and utter bullshit. You don’t message these women out of “curiosity.” You message these women because you want them to go out with you. This, in a nutshell, is your problem. You want to be The Chosen one, and when you repeatedly fail, you heap all of the blame and frustration on women. You play a huge part in this and you need to get that. These women? They don’t have to choose you. They have more than enough options. Common sense would dictate that you lower your standards. But no. Much like the women who suffer from similar chips on their shoulder, you’re going to continue to go after women way out of your league because you can’t admit that you just aren’t what they are looking for.

Yes, I know. You’re awesome. If people would only give you a chance, etc. Sweetie, nobody owes you a Blue Ribbon just for participating. Everybody doesn’t get a trophy. Only the winners. You want to win, you compete in the appropriate class. If you want to compete in a higher class, you train for it.You do not sit around and whine about how unfair it all is. Nothing – and I mean NOTHING – is more unattractive than a weak man. Whining and complaining are inherently weak traits.There is no dignity in that. Not for men. Not for women.

There’s a lot of talk about the Sexual Market Place and the woman’s value or lack there of in it. Well, here’s what you guys need to understand. The more of these whiny, disgruntled men that enter the market place, the higher the value of the entitled woman.  That woman is the one all of you guys are trying to date, whether you admit it or not. I mean, if you were pursuing decent, kind, feminine women, you wouldn’t be complaining in the first place.

If all a woman wants is someone to call a boyfriend and to follow her around, she can effortlessly find one. The Alpha guys don’t want her and will use her for a month or two only to discard her. Once she’s had enough of that she’ll settle for The Beta, but she won’t see it as settling because The Beta showers her with attention and validation and gifts and meals. Anything to compete and keep her interested. She’ll continue to ride that carousel for years on end until she’s sitting alone in her apartment and telling everybody how she “chose” to be single or how she’d rather be alone than in a bad relationship or whatever mantra she repeats endlessly in an attempt to avoid the real reason she’s single.

Meanwhile the rest of us, aka The Ones Who Get It,  are out here happily dating decent, good, fun, attractive to us people. We’ve accepted our league. We’ve learned to spot the signs of someone who might pose trouble down the road. We don’t over-think or over-analyze every little thing. We employ critical thinking. We’re not talking about how hard dating is or how nobody responds to us because dating isn’t hard for us and people do respond because we know what we can pull. We’re not quitting. We accept that it all means nothing until it means something. We aren’t marking down days on the calendar until we can bray or write smug tutorials about how we found a boyfriend or girlfriend.

In short, we’re Dating Realists. Join us, won’t you?

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating In a Big City, How SATC Ruined Women, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating Tagged With: , ,
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