Name: Alexis
Age: 21
State: Georgia
Question: I’ve been talking to this guy for about a week and things were going great until he ask for “pics” of me. Our conversations were really good up until that point, I told him I don’t do that, but he kept asking. Prior to that he was telling me what he wanted to do to me. Then he sent me a “pic” and I told him what I thought about it. The other night he asked again about the pictures because he said “just one to get me off” so I told him “there are millions of other pictures that can get you off” he said that he only wanted to look at me, which is sweet, but come on. Then i just finally snapped. I told him it’s late and I’m not taking any pics. Now ever since that little conversation we haven’t been talking as much. He used to text all the time and now nothing. So now I’m thinking of that old saying “what one won’t another will”. I think since I didn’t send them he had someone else do it. He claimed he wanted something real, but what his actions are telling me a different story.

Was there a question here? It sounds like you solved the Mystery of The Disappearing Dick (Pic) all on your own. Boy meets girl. Boy talks sexy (or “sexy” since most men suck at this) in hopes of getting a woman all worked up. Girl jerks boy off via Skype or a cam or Ghat. And…scene. That’s all he wanted from the start. He wasn’t genuinely interested in you. He just was trying to get you to help him get off. He doesn’t even have to be attracted to you to do it.

I know that it sucks to have interesting conversations with someone thinking they genuinely liked talking to you. I’m sorry that you feel abandoned in some way. It’s not fun. I’ve been there, and it feels pretty cold and disappointing to get this attention and then have it taken away. All I can tell you is that this guy’s feelings or interest never changed, because it never existed in the first place. He likely had a few women he was communicating with and, yes, I’m sure one or two are giving him what he wants.

There are guys on these sites who will engage women strictly for the stroke material. They’ll feign all kinds of interest and say all sorts of disingenuous things. It’s kind of crushing when you learn the things they said weren’t real. Almost as crushing as believing that you had forged some semblance of a connection with someone only to find out it never truly existed. This is something that, admittedly, I have a hard time with.

I’ve met guys online that I really enjoyed chatting with and would absolutely have stayed friends with them if things didn’t take us to a romantic or physical place. Being someone who places a high importance on a certain level of social aptitude combined with being a person who works in a very non-traditional and somewhat self-isolating/intimidating niche, I do what I can to maintain some form of a relationship with anybody who “gets me.” I’ve spoken of my psychologist Ex. We still talk and occasionally hang out to this day. I enjoy having him in my life because he’s someone I can bounce ideas off of and discuss things that, for the most part, my friends either don’t really understand or care about. Someone who truly gets me or who is as fascinated by a certain topic as I am is a rare thing, and I tend to hold on to those connections.

You’re right that this guy never wanted anything real. A guy can be bored or looking for spank material and decide to engage someone he saw on a dating site. Some guys are just like that. That’s why, unless you’re comfortable making yourself that vulnerable, you need to stay away from having conversations that cross over into “too intimate” territory. You also can’t complain if a guy pesters you for sexy pictures if you sit there and involve yourself or indulge their attempt at naughty banter. That’s not to be confused with “flirty” banter. It’s not flirty. It’s a blatant attempt to get some form of sexual gratification. No man who is genuinely interested in you will go for that without meeting you.  In general, you should avoid any kind of sex/oooh this is what I want to do to you talk with someone you haven’t met for one reason. Because if you do meet and the chemistry isn’t there, you’ll feel really stupid. I did this once. Once was enough.

I was damn skippy sure the physical chemistry was a given. But it wasn’t.  I did not handle that situation well. The next day he apologized for making the situation worse than it had to be and admitted to contributing to it. He said I should learn to take rejection better. I clarified to him that the rejection wasn’t what made me angry. I’m a 40something year old, size 10 woman in Manhattan. I can handle rejection. It’s not like I can’t wrap my brain around it. The rejection stung, of course, especially since I wasn’t allowed the courtesy to process that privately. He decided to tell me while we were on the date. The angry reaction came from feeling as though I had been held hostage for 2 hours while he formulated an escape plan, a plan that involved showering me with compliments and then telling me I was too [insert positive attribute] to date. I felt that was insulting to my intelligence. The next day he shared that he took so long to tell me because he was hoping the attraction would materialize but it never did. Could be true. Probably wasn’t. Doesn’t much matter at this point. It was uncomfortable for both of us and was a good lesson learned: keep the expectations to a minimum. The higher the expectations, the more likely it is that you will be disappointed.

My purpose in telling you this, Alexis, is that you need to do what you can to avoid these kind of disappointment and embarrassment. Starting with disengaging from any conversation with someone you’ve met that takes on a sexual tone.