Name: Princess Leia
Question: How do I end up with a guy who only sees me as an option, for now? I met this incredible guy 5 years ago and he has told me he is not ready for a relationship because he is a musician but not the “typical” musician. We only talk a few times a week and see each other rarely. He is extremely attracted to me and I to him. And even though, he says he wants to see me soon all the time he doesn’t make plans to. I understand he is living it up right now and I give him his space because I don’t want to pressure him, but I really like him and I just want to know he will one day be mine.
Any feedback is appreciated!!
I’m not quite sure what, if anything, is going on between you two. It sounds to me like you’re a tad obsessed with a guy who, for the most part, isn’t all that interested in you.
Being attracted to someone and actually caring for them are two different things. This guy says he wants to see you but never makes the time. There’s your answer. Hon, you’re not even an option to this guy. You’re just some young girl with stars in her eyes.I don’t say that to hurt you. I say that to snap you out of this haze you appear to be in right now. He’s never going to be yours. You’re not giving him space. That’s your way of rationalizing the the situation. In order to give him space you’d actually have to be taking up space in his life. You’re not. This is kind of like when women go on about how they broke up with a guy when really they just finally took the hint that the guy wasn’t all that interested and left. Sure, you can say you broke up with him. But that’s not really what happened.
Here’s a question for you: don’t you want anything else out of life? I’m not sure what the hell is in the water in Tennessee that makes girls from there so, I don’t now, dependent on men and marriage and having a man. Maybe that’s all they groom your for down there. I don’t know. But I have yet to come across a twenty something girl from Tennessee/The South who didn’t seem to want much out of life other than a man.
Don’t you have any passions or interests? Why are you worried about a man being “yours” at 25 years old? You have everything ahead of you. Why throw all of that to the wayside just for a guy? A guy who can barely manage to see you, no less.
I guess what I hate to hear in the letter is how your life seems to revolve around this barely present male. To me that just seems wrong. He’s just a guy. I sound crotchety and old, I know. But really, don’t you have a plan for yourself? If not, you should. Do you know why? Because in these times it’s really, really unwise to rely upon a relationship to fulfill you.
Let’s say you and Mr. Rock Star do get together. What then? Marriage? Kids? What? What’s your plan? You can’t wait until you’re 35 years old to suddenly wake up and remember that you forgot to get a degree, or choose a career path, or develop an identity, or have kids. This is stuff you have to put into action now. You can’t sit back and wait for some semi-employed jug band leader to wake up and realize you’re The One. He has lots of Ones, hon. Lots. You are one of many, many Ones. You don’t see him trying to balance a career and a relationship, do you? No. He’s out there living his life. Not sure what kind of a life it is, but it’s his.
You want to be in a position where you get to choose which door to open and what path to take. That’s where he is right now. He’s unfettered and living his life. You don’t want to settle down because that’s what you’ve been told is what girls like you should do. You want to do it because you’ve had various experiences and now choose to sacrifice certain things. That way there’s less of a chance you’ll have regrets.
In 5 years you’re not going to even remember this guy. You’re not even going to be the same person. You’re going to change. At least I hope. The idea of some young girl latching on to a guy at your age makes me cringe because there’s a really good chance that is going to stunt her emotional development in crucial ways. Then she’ll end up divorced at 30 or 35 and complete, utterly lost.
The first thing you need to do is be sure you can take care of and support yourself. That’s what your twenties are for. You need to develop an identity and independence. Then you find the guy and settle down. Don’t get me wrong. If you’re life goal is to marry and have kids, that’s great. That’s as valid and important of a goal as wanting to get an MBA and run a business. However, in either case, you want to be sure that you can stand on your own first. The last thing you want is to tie everything – your life, your identity, your future – to someone who quite possibly won’t be around in the long run.