Why spend 3 1/2 hours on a 1st date and then no 2nd date?
Well, if this first date came from an online dating site, the likely answer is that the person you went out with had another date the next night and liked them more. If someone spends almost 4 hours with you and doesn’t think a 2nd date is warranted, you’re better off without them. Let’s be honest here…we know in a matter of minutes if we’re attracted to someone. If someone had a critical personality flaw, it’s unlikely that someone would be able to tolerate them for almost four hours. Which means that your date was either sticking it out to get laid, waiting for the opportune time to leave or is inherently flakey. Often times we’re so stuck in our head and projecting our feelings on to the other person that we can’t really tell what they think of the date. Last week I mentioned how I wouldn’t go out with someone who had viewed my profile multiple times without contacting me. It’s just an email, and it might lead to a simple drink. Let’s not overthink it. I feel the same way about people who go on dates and stay out for several hours only to email you the next day and say, “I don’t think we’re a match after all.” Really? Okay. Equally annoying are the people who use online dating sites, go on one or two dates with someone, and decide to “focus on that” but yet still keep an active profile and log in regularly. Um..what now? How is that focusing on your current situation?
Speaking of which, I came across a profile on OKCupid a few weeks ago that I thought was…interesting. The guy put a disclaimer at the top of his profile. It said that he had met someone on OKC and was no longer meeting anyone. Then he wished everybody luck. Question: why not just take down your profile? Oh, because you still want people to message you? Or is it so that you could put that statement at the top of your ad so that when the woman you’re dating checks to see if you’ve logged, she’ll see it? It’s one of the two. It is not that you’re a devoted boyfriend. So get over yourself. And girlfriend? If you don’t see the fact that he hasn’t disabled his profile as a huge red flag, you’re an idiot. Many women tend to see disingenuous gestures like that as complimentary when they’re not. (See the “what defines a gentleman” section below.) The guy put that in his profile not because he doesn’t want to date anyone else but because he wanted to be seen as a “devoted” or “honorable” guy. It was strategic, not authentic. Don’t be fooled.
Why is every cool, hip chick I know single and looking for a decent guy – i.e. me – yet when I approach – like a gentleman I may add – it is always an uphill battle?
Well, for starters, you say things like “cool, hip chick.” Words like that went out with bell bottoms and lava lamps, Johnny Bravo. (Please, please tell me you get that reference.) So there’s your first hurdle. You try too hard, which indicates weakness. We’ve said this before…nothing is more unattractive than passivity and weakness. That’s the wrong kind of vulnerable. Sadly, most women just don’t respect that.
As for your gentlemanly approach, let’s break down that word. How men define what it means to be a gentleman and how women define it are two very different things. It’s appropriate that I am listening to “Hanky Panky” by Madonna right now as I type this. There are a few interesting lines in the song that I think explains what women really want.
I don’t want you to thank me/I just want you to spank me
Don’t slobber me with kisses/I can get that from my sisters
Don’t take out your hankerchief/I don’t wanna cry/I just want a hanky panky guy
I don’t like a big softie/I like someone mean and bossy
When many women say they want a guy who is a gentleman, what they mean is they want a man who demonstrates how much he values/cares for/is attracted to her through insignificant gestures, like paying the check. Oddly enough (not really) those women tend to end up with asshole after asshole. Know why? Because they like assholes, they just don’t realize it.
Women want a man who is going to be assertive and take control and who will keep us on our toes. Some women want men who treat them poorly. Other women want men who challenge them, maybe even push their boundaries a bit. The truth is, we don’t want a “nice guy.” We just say that so we sound sensible and rational. The trick is finding that guy who possesses that unpredictability and grit while also displaying an accessible level of vulnerability. (See my imaginary boyfriend Jeremy Renner, pictures above.)