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How Does He Tell Her He Doesn’t Want To Be Serious?

April 7, 2013 by 90 Comments

Name: Christopher
Comment: I’ve been seeing this girl for about six months. We have not had “the talk” about being exclusive, but we have been seeing each other a few times a week recently. I really enjoy the time that I spend with her, and we get along great. However, I just don’t think I am ready to be exclusive yet. While I have not cheated on her, I have been approached by other women about going out, and I am interest In doing so. She will text or email me every day. It does not feel nagging or needy when she does so, but it is clear that she is into me.

However, I don’t want her feelings to get hurt. Part of me knows that it is her responsibility for how she feels, but I am aware that the actions I take have repercussions. I am 41, and she is in her early 30s. I am divorced, and do not want kids. We have not talked about anything serious like that, but she knows that I went through a painful divorce several years ago, have repeatedly gotten “too serious, too quickly” in the past, and I don’t want to make that mistake again.

I started to bring up the conversation the other night, but her job was just cut, and she just gotten the news, so I did not want to pile on to the emotional drama that she was experiencing. Part of me says that that was just a copout for not telling her, but the other part says I was being sensitive to her needs.

I know what to do, I just don’t know how to do it. I want to keep seeing her, but I just want to back off a little bit until I am ready to get more serious, whenever that may be.
Age: 41
City: Boston
State: MA

 

Well, if you’re not exclusive, then you’re not doing anything wrong by dating other women. So my advice to you is to go out with these women that intrigue you and see what else is out there. You might realize that the woman you’ve been seeing for the past 6 months is the one to whom you’d like to commit. If she is assuming that you two are exclusive, that’s on her. I’m sure some people will say that you need to be upfront and honest from the start with the women you date. In an ideal world, that would be nice. However, that’s not really in your best interest. It should be understood by now that someone who does not express a desire to commit doesn’t want to be committed at that point or at all. The onus is on the person for whom commitment or exclusivity is a priority to bring it up.

I know some of the female readership will take issue with this, but I would just pull back a bit and wait for this woman to speak up and ask what’s going on. Let her bring it up. When she does, you don’t have to tell her you’re dating other people. In fact, don’t tell her that. That’s unnecessary. Use this inquiry to gently remind her that you and she are not exclusive. If she says that she would like to be monogamous then you need to be clear about where you stand. Until then, there’s no need to go looking for problems where there are none. Scale things back so that you and she aren’t seeing each other – and therefore growing dependent upon each other – so frequently.

She’s not bringing anything up because she probably doesn’t want to rock the boat. It’s even possible that she likes things exactly as they are. I have said this before: women her age aren’t anxious to settle down with men your age. If she knows you don’t want children, and she does, then she’s either hoping you’ll change your mind or has no intentions of having children with you.  If you clarify anything with her it should be the subject of having children. That’s only fair.

If you want to back off then back off. There’s nothing preventing you from doing that. Now let’s address something else that you said.

but she knows that I went through a painful divorce several years ago, have repeatedly gotten “too serious, too quickly” in the past, and I don’t want to make that mistake again.

It takes two to tango, Christopher. Whether you’re expressing a willingness to commit verbally or through actions, you’re still communicating an interest level that may or may not be genuine.  If you’re not looking for commitment, then don’t see a woman three times a week. It’s not that you don’t want a relationship. You clearly do. What you don’t appear to want is to be exclusive to just one woman.

Going forward, should you find yourself back out there again, be mindful of your tendency to allow things to spiral out of control and take on the form of a committed/serious relationship. Make sure your actions align with your intentions.

 

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Filed Under: Commitment, Dating, Marriage, Meeting Women, Monogamy, To Settle or Not To Settle Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Getting Married In Your Twenties Is a Mistake

January 24, 2013 by 42 Comments

Name: Lishlet
Age: 30
State: New York
Question: Should I try to save my marriage? If so, what should I do…?

My husband & I have had a lot of problems the last 2 years.

First he pushed me away by not talking to me anymore & telling me to go out with my friends instead of with him. To try to re-open the lines of communication, I wrote him a letter saying that I felt he was pushing me away & I wanted to fix our communication problems he told me we didn’t have problems, yelled at me that I was crazy/over-dramatic like my mother & then went for a walk outside. I have now learned this is how he always handles problems. If I don’t 100% agree with what he says or thinks he says I’s attacking him so he starts yelling/cursing/deflecting to get me to “stop talking & go away”. Within 6 months, I found out he knew he was going to get laid off from his job & didn’t know how to handle it so that was the reason he pushed me away. I tried to be supportive of him & I’m very successful in my career with a lot of connections but he pushed me away even more in 2012.

This led us to have two problems in 2012:
1) His fault-
He won’t:
- let me help him find a job because he says “I’m weird & do things differently than normal people”.
- talk with me about creating a budget together or combining our finances because he says he’s embarrassed about his lack of income (which I told him I don’t care about but he just delays meeting with me or storms out).
- get counseling or google online to deal with his problems because that’s weird too
- initiate sex & rarely has sex with me (even if I beg/cry for it he just tells me I’m “so weird because other wives stop wanting sex”)

He tells me he loves me but when it comes to any serious conversations about goals/life he still gets angry at me saying that I’m attacking him and he refuses to acknowledge me sexually other than telling me “You look pretty today”. (Note: I was a model & I want than words.)

2) My fault-
I’m not happy to admit this but I’ve cheated. At first it was an accident when I was drunk with a friend. I stopped talking to him & tried to focus on fixing my relationship with my husband. But then at another party I woke up at stranger’s place. I freaked out because I’m afraid of getting STDs, never was a cheater type before & I didn’t even know this guy so I stopped going out, stayed home & saw a doctor to get tested over the next several months. Fortunately, I don’t have any STDs but then I started drinking alcohol at home instead of sex. My life then became just work, drinking at home & then sleep. Meanwhile, my husband was mad at me for invading his “home office” so he left to “look for a job” on his laptop at a cafe.

About 3 months ago, I realized that I needed to fix myself before I tried fixing our relationship again. So, I sold my biz & took time off to “find myself”. Meanwhile, my husband continued his usual looking for a job, playing video games, watching porn & watching sports. I tried to get him involved in my “fix myself & be happy again” plan but he said I was “weird & normal people don’t do that”. I then stopped fighting with him because I needed to fix ME. We started living 2 different lives & don’t talk unless it is about cleaning or our cat. I recently got a new job so my life is fine now except my relationship with my husband.

My question is this: should I try to save this relationship? If so, what should I do?

For what it’s worth, I think my husband wants to salvage our relationship but he doesn’t know how & I honestly question his competence on solving any problem after seeing him fail to solve even basic problems over the last 3 years of our 5 years together.

Okay. Here’s my first question:

I have now learned this is how he always handles problems.

You just learned this now? After how many years of being together? 5? There’s something wrong there.How could you possibly just be learning now how your husband deals with conflict?

I guess one suggestion that people will offer is that this man is threatened by your success and feels inadequate because of it. That’s possible. I typically think that’s a handy go-to excuse for women, though. I don’t think most men care if their partner’s make more than them. That’s one of those seeds planted in other women’s heads over long gab fests with their girlfriends. At the very least, he feels like he’s not doing what “a man” should do because he doesn’t have a job. He had something that is an integral part of our identities taken away from him. Putting you down makes him feel less like a loser. But having you constantly buzzing in his ear like a naggy little gnat isn’t helping.

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you’re approaching this the right way. You appear to be talking at him, not to him. You’re not acknowledging his feelings. You’re just pushing him to change without taking into consideration what he’s going through. You’re making him sound like an Ogre, and I’m sure he is, but you don’t sound like a cake walk, either. You sound rather immature and self-involved yourself. How you two ever thought you were mature enough to get married is beyond me.

This is yet another reason why I don’t advocate people getting married in their twenties. It sounds like you and he both never developed the proper tools necessary to maintain healthy communication and resolve conflict. Nor did you learn how to be accountable for your actions, which is a crucial part of being an adult and having a relationship. These skills come through experience and trial and error.

Now for this doozie:

I’m not happy to admit this but I’ve cheated. At first it was an accident when I was drunk with a friend.

Um…no. It wasn’t an accident. You’re not taking responsibility for this. Like I said. You lack accountability. That’s a sign of immaturity. Immature people shouldn’t get married. It’s all shades of adorable that you question his competency at solving problems…but he didn’t break his marriage vows. You did. Which means your ability to solve problems blows, too. Your solution to your unhappy state was to “accidentally” fall on a man’s penis. Sorry, but your husband won that round.

About 3 months ago, I realized that I needed to fix myself before I tried fixing our relationship again.

How very Eat, Pray, Love of you. Too bad you were married and it was no longer all about you. Again, I’ll point out how self-focused you seem to be.

I think if there’s any hope of saving your marriage, the two of you need to get to both couples counseling and individual counseling. You’ll need your own private sessions so you can have a safe space to share your personal experiences and feelings. The couples session will help teach you both how to communicate and take responsibility for your actions. The therapist will act as a guide and mediator and they’ll teach you how to communicate. However, without the ability to empathize for each other, you’re in for an uphill battle. That is something you’re both going to need to work on individually. You both need to stop being so self-absorbed and put yourself in your mate’s shoes.

Since you got married, you owe it to yourselves and your vows to at least try to make this work. If it doesn’t, and you learn that you two just aren’t cut out for marriage, then go your separate ways. You don’t sound particularly devoted to your husband. If you’re not willing to do whatever it takes and endure whatever growing pains necessary, you shouldn’t be married.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Dating, Marriage, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Is He Paying Her Bills If He’s Not Getting Sex?

January 22, 2013 by 31 Comments

Name: Single Mom
Age: Early Thirties
State:
Question: Is it worth sticking around?
I am an attractive, professional, physically fit, single mom in my early thirties. Ultimately, I would like to remarry and have another child (ren). I usually don’t have trouble getting male attention when I go out, but between being a mommy and my career, getting out hasn’t been a priority. Last year I reconnected with an “ex” from many years ago. About him: he is in his late forties and works in the political arena and is well known in our area. He is considered a very eligible bachelor in his circles.  We started sleeping together again within a few months and thereafter spent a great deal of time together.  However, during this whole time he was adamant he didn’t want a relationship. So after 7-8 months of dating/sex, I stopped sleeping with him and cut back communication because I knew I ultimately wanted a committed relationship and felt he was being clear he didn’t want one. Fast forward a few months and we start seeing each other again. This time sex is not part of the equation, BUT we are spending more time together than ever before and doing  things traditionally reserved for couples: we talk/text several times a day (if he cannot reach me he calls repeatedly); we see each other 4-5x per week often staying over several days; he has met my child  and seems to adore her; we have met each other’s family, friends and coworkers; we have gone down to his summer home a few times for extended periods; he has done helpful things around the house; for Christmas he paid off a credit card for me, etc. He has said he loves me although he has made it clear he is not in love. Also, very clear is that he still says he doesn’t want a relationship. After digging a little deeper this time, he told me after how horrible his divorce was   and how another serious relationship ended… he doesn’t want to go there again. He says he cares for me and he knows I am a great catch, but he just can’t do a relationship.  I guess what I don’t understand is how a relationship would be any different than what we are doing now besides slapping a label on it.  It has been about a year and half of on and off dating without a commitment and about a year since I last slept with him. My question is, should I ride this out longer to see what will happen or cut ties completely with him.  With as much time as we spend together, I don’t have time to explore any other options or to even keep my options open.  What makes it hard for me to decide is that unlike other men I have dated he acts like he wants a relationship,  but says otherwise, whereas my experience has been with men saying they wanted commitment, but their actions were completely at odds with that.

 

Let’s see…late forties, divorced eligible bachelor. Side note: Know who else was a successful eligible bachelor? Liberace. Moving on.

I’m stuck on the part where you let this man that you’re not dating/sleeping with pay your credit card. I mean, doesn’t that feel odd to you or ring any bells? Tell me again what he’s getting out of all of this? It’s clear what you’re getting: you get a show pony to trot around town and show off to your family and friends and pay your bills AND you don’t have to have sex with him. It doesn’t sound like the lack of sex really bothers you. The only thing that appears to bug you is that he refuses to agree to be your boyfriend. That’s all quite telling to me. Do you even want a relationship with him or do you just want to be able to say you have a relationship with him?

More intriguing is how you’re making it sound like he’s doing all of these of his own volition. Which, sorry, I’m dubious about. If you’re asking him to help hang a picture or fix something or attend a family party,  he’s doing it because you’re making the request. That’s completely different than if he offered to do all these things. Maybe he just likes being needed. You could be exploring other options. You’re choosing not to. It sounds like maybe you’re creating a certain atmosphere so you can turn around and accuse him of acting like a boyfriend.

I guess what I don’t understand is how a relationship would be any different than what we are doing now besides slapping a label on it. 

Well, no. One other thing that you’d be doing is sleeping together. You’re not. You and this man aren’t dating. At best you’re just good friends and he’s hanging around for the companionship and possible professional benefits. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship with you, he’s not sleeping with you and thereby building up expectations. A man can not want a relationship but still want sex. He doesn’t even want sex from you. He’s just hanging out with you. You are allowing this because it allows you to appear as though you have a man. There’s no mystery here. He’s just your friend. You’re the one building this up into something it isn’t. He’s likely getting the sex from someone else and the companionship from you. Did you think he’s been going without for the past year? Of course not.  He’s just not getting it from you because he doesn’t want to lead you on and make his life more difficult. I have several male friends who buy me drinks and pay for my meals and attend family functions with me. It doesn’t mean we’re dating. It means we’re friends. Other than paying your credit card bill, which baffles me and does makes me question his motives slightly,  this guy isn’t doing anything that doesn’t fall under the category of friendship.

Find someone else. This guy doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You’re hitching your wagon to the wrong horse insisting that the guy is acting like a boyfriend. No, he’s not. He’s made his position clear and now feels like he can just be himself. His reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship with you don’t matter. He’s being polite. He’s not interested in dating you. He’s giving you phony reasons for why you can’t be together, probably because you keep trying to force a relationship that doesn’t exist.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Commitment, Date Outside Your Means, Dating, Dating & Finances, Marriage, Men & Communication, Monogamy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Are You Ready to Fight The Good Fight?

June 27, 2012 by 50 Comments

One of the many stories I heard about my Dad over the last few weeks involved a scuffle he had with his insurance company. When my step-mom was diagnosed with invasive scleroderma in 1997, there was no treatment for the disease. My parents heard of an experimental trial for the disease and my father got my step-mom into the program. Part of the trial involved having my step-mom fitted for a stint that was inserted into her chest. The doctor who headed up the trial had developed a medicine that would flow through the stint and would soften the tissue that covered the internal organs, namely the heart, so that they could function properly, despite all the scar tissue that had developed. (Invasive scleroderma affects the external as well as internal skin/tissue.)

Initially, this medication was not covered by any insurance. My father found that unacceptable and engaged in a several month to year long dispute with his insurance over this. Now, my Dad can be rather…persuasive. Between his ability to reason and argue to his reach in various communities, he had some influence. He rarely ever used that influence to such a degree. But this was different. Eventually, the insurance company conceded and my step-mom’s medicine was covered under his insurance.

He wasn’t arguing over money. Money wasn’t the issue. My Dad would have taken a job at the corner donut shop to cover what the medicine cost and wouldn’t have blinked an eye. This wasn’t about a few hundred dollars.

He was fighting for my step-mother’s life. That’s how fiercely devoted they were to each other. If there was one place you never wanted to get caught, it was between my step-mother’s cross hairs when it came to my father. Cancer schmancer. She would (and still can) level you. I say that in a reverential, respectful way.

Next time you’re in a quandry about Facebook friending that dude you just met, or all twisted up because some ex is stalking your Facebook page, or in a huff because that guy from Match didn’t mention anything specific to your profile in his message to you, consider this:
If something as insignificant as this can trip you up, what are you going to do when things get real?

We all hear people (mostly women) about how they refuse to settle. (Yawn.) The stories always revolve around what those people refuse to give up, like attraction or stability. Well, derp. Nobody will argue that those things are important.  How convenient. And that’s what the “I won’t settle” is: an excuse of convenience. Rarely do you hear these people say, “I want someone I can fight for.” They might say they want someone who will fight for them, of course. Because it’s all about them and what a partner can do for them. I blame fairy tales for that.

We all heard those stories about men fighting wars and crossing mountains to be with their true love. But we never heard the tales of the princess who took on soldiers to release her love from prison or to save his life. It was always the man doing it for the woman. Never the other way around. Through these stories, we were conditioned to believe that that is how it should be.

Somewhere along the way, I think men got tired of fighting for us. They might woo us, spend money on us, etc. But would they fight for us? I don’t know. I think men are fatigued at the thought of that, because nothing ever seems to be enough.

I’m not sure I want to be in a relationship where both people are not willing to do battle for each other. It shouldn’t be that people only fight to salvage a relationship when they are threatened with the loss of it. It should be that there is an ongoing threat of loss. Because, let’s face it, there is. At any given moment you could lose your partner. They could find someone else, or get tired of you. Or die.

Pledging commitment is only the first step. It is not a guarantee. Some people are so eager for commitment. They never seem to think about what comes after that. Which is probably why so many people implode before they ever even get to that point.

The more I read articles that revolve around pedestrian, juvenile “dramas” and “issues”, the more obvious it becomes to me why so many people find dating so “hard.”  I happen to believe that people get stuck on such superficial non-problems because, deep down, they know they don’t have what it takes to actually have a relationship. They don’t want to do the work or takes the risks. They certainly don’t have the ability to fight for someone because they’re too busy obsessing over their own “problems.” Me, me, me. Poor, wounded, fragile, under-appreciated me. Show me. Prove yourself to me. Do for me. Feel sorry for me. The self-victimizing, wounded nonsense abounds in the blogsosphere. Get  over it already.

The real question you should ask yourself when you’re dating someone and considering commitment is this:

Will they fight for me? Better yet…would I fight for them? Would I give something up to be with them? If you have to think about the answer to that, you’re not as ready as you think you are. I’ll go further and politely ask you to step aside. You’re just slowing down the line.  Honestly, if you can’t figure out when to Facebook Friend someone or what to say in a text or are still trying to navigate the oh so tricky world of FWBs,  you need to move it along. You’re creating a Dating Bottleneck. You are the three car pile up on the High Way of Love.

Really. It isn’t that difficult. Do or do not. There is no try, as Yoda said. You’re pretending to try, but actually you are doing not. Or naught.

 

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Filed Under: Commitment, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Marriage Tagged With: , , , , ,

How Soon Can You Tell That They’re Not Relationship Material?

May 29, 2012 by 40 Comments

Name: Alexis
Age: 43
State: CA
Question: I recently had a blind date that went well with a lot of good conversation, laughs and both of us stating a desire to see each other again. And yes, he told me he was very attracted to me physically and we kissed and were a bit affectionate at the end of the date.  The next day I get an email from this guy saying he does not think we are a good match for a long-term relationship but could we be friends.  Though I felt wrongly-judged by this I decided that I would like to get to know him as a friend.  So we had another date and I asked him more about how he knew I was not a good match for him for the long-term after having been on only one date.  He replied that he knew within an hour of being with me and that his instinct told him that.  This was fine with me because I did not have strong feelings for him either way.

So my question is “Do most people know in such a short time if your date is long-term relationship potential?”  All that I know after 15 minutes or after one date is if I want to have another date and if I am attracted to the person physically or otherwise. Is this true for most daters?  How much can you possibly know without knowing the person that well and is  that automatic instinct something we should be listening to or not?  Looking forward to hearing  people’s opinions.  Thanks.

ps: I am NOT wanting opinions on the actual date or the guy’s intentions because it does not matter.  Thanks.

 

Howsabout you let me decide what I choose to write about? See, answering these letters isn’t just about the person who submitted the question. It’s about dressing broader issues so that there will be a take away for everybody.

Though I felt wrongly-judged by this I decided that I would like to get to know him as a friend.  So we had another date

No, you didn’t have another date. Because you’re not dating, remember? You’re just friends.

I asked him more about how he knew I was not a good match for him for the long-term after having been on only one date.  He replied that he knew within an hour of being with me and that his instinct told him that.

Oh. Then why did he express interest in seeing you again and act all affectionate if his inner Oracle is so damn accurate and delivers such speedy results? Inconsistency.

I believe that he doesn’t see you as being long-term relationship material. And I agree that people know pretty quickly- even after one date -  when there’s little chance of long term compatibility. I don’t believe the opposite, however. I don’t believe that people can know or even suspect that someone is long term relationship material after one date.  I don’t think they could know that even after one year. Making that determination takes time, maturity and experience.

People need to have a mature understanding of relationships and compatibility. Thinking that you and your partner are compatible because you share similar senses of humor or love of activities is immature. In order to figure out what you really want and what is important, you have to learn what you don’t want. That’s where the experience comes in. Someone who is in their first adult relationship doesn’t have anything to which they can compare their current relationship.

Now I see why you didn’t want me to comment on his intentions. You want to believe that this guy is genuinely interested in being your friend. That he  really likes you..just not that way. I’m sorry, but I’m going to call bullshit on your claim that it doesn’t bother you that he told you you weren’t long term relationship material. If it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t have asked him to further explain himself.

I’m also going to call bullshit on this guy’s supposed interest in being friends. Yes, I know. Some of you will rush to share your stories about how the time you said you agreed to be friends with someone you went out with was different. Of course it was. Men usually keep women around for two reasons – social proof and sex. Rarely, though it does happen, do men actively befriend women because they enjoy their company or their perspectives on life. That is unless there’s a pre-established relationship. Like, say, with an ex. Not with a woman with whom he had one date.

This guy doesn’t want to be your friend. This guy wants to casually date you and have sex with you without any commitment. That was his plan all along. He lured you in with the promise of a relationship, got you where he wanted you, then dropped the anvil. And there you are holding on to his coat tails, all excited that he saw something in you that he probably doesn’t see in other women.

Boooooooooooooooooooooo!

So my question is “Do most people know in such a short time if your date is long-term relationship potential?”

And do you know why you want to know other people’s thoughts on this? Because you want to believe that there’s still hope and that he’ll change his mind. There isn’t and he won’t.

Now let’s open up the floor to everybody else.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Over 40, First Impressions, It's Not You, Marriage, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , , ,

He Said/She Said – Nice Guys, Hook Ups & Cheating “Boyfriends”

March 27, 2012 by 36 Comments

Here are some interesting questions from last night’s He Said/She Said panel. (Where I may or may not have had a few Cosmos and am now suffering from a hangover.)

 

If your date wants a hookup but not a relationship, what would be an appropriate way for him to express this?

The tricky part about this is that many women, if they receive such a proposal, will wonder what it is about them that makes a guy think she would be open to that. She’ll wonder if he thinks she’s “easy.” The answer is: probably. But being considered “easy” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. “Easy” to a lot of men often means “simple to deal with/doesn’t have hangups.” If you’re somebody just looking for a casual hook up, then put up a profile on OKCupid and select “short term dating” as your only relationship choice. Do not select “casual sex” because you’ll repel the stable women and attract a lot of the crazies. I’ve come to learn  that it’s a certain type of man or woman that puts their picture up on a profile and openly states they’ll have casual sex. Rarely are those people easy to deal with. Or, you know, healthy. Don’t drag a woman out to meet you under the guise of being open to a relationship and then spring on her that you’re just looking for something casual. If you meet a woman off line and things are clicking and you’re feeling a mutual attraction, then ask her if she’d like to go back to her place or yours, but tell her you’re not looking for a relationship. Not every woman will slap you in the face or call you a masher. Women say they want a man who is honest? Then be honest.

 

Why do women say they want a nice guy but then meet one and want something else?

Easy. Because either they don’t really want  a nice guy OR the guy isn’t so much “nice” as he is “boring” or “weak.” Women want a “good” guy. But we also want a guy with an edge. A bad boy with a good heart. Not only do many of us get bored with a guy who is “too nice” but we long for – whether we will admit it or not – that little bit of drama that comes from not knowing where we stand. A guy that is too accommodating or available is usually deemed “weak” by a woman. I’m not suggesting that a man be rude or mean or abusive. But he should be mysterious and not totally available. Same goes for women. When we say we want a “nice” guy we typically mean a guy who isn’t a selfish asshat. That’s not the same as “nice.” The problem isn’t that we don’t want the nice guys when they cross our paths. It’s that we are not properly defining “nice.”

This question comes from a recent comment. It brings up an issue I’ve wanted to address ever since reading a post here.

He played the part of the fantastic boyfriend to the hilt, so much so that it was like living in a Hollywood movie – and then out of the blue and without any warning, he pulled the “freeze-up,” at which time I discovered that he was online trying to date and have sex with other women (or perhaps had already been doing it while we were together – yuck!), so I ended it. – Terry

Here’s the deal, ladies. If your “boyfriend” is online or has an active profile on a dating website and has his picture attached to it, he was not your boyfriend. Like, at all.  There was no “relationship.” I want everybody to really ask themselves what kind of person does this -  post a photo on the internet, probably on the very site where you and they met, and is openly trolling to dates or sex. While I’m sure there are a few sociopaths out there, the chances that all of the women and men involved with that post I linked to actually met one is slim. No, these people either were “dating” someone for a short period of time and made assumptions, imagined the relationship in their head or couldn’t wait to join the club of people who thrive off being wounded and have been “cheated on” by “boyfriends.” It gives people a sense of community and makes them feel like they have more relationship experience than they actually have. They take something innocuous, that means nothing, and turn it into a drama simply so they can say they once that happened to them, too. If you’re on a dating website skulking around for “proof” of infidelity, you’re “relationship” is clearly pretty tenuous, if it exists at all.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Co-Habitation, Date Like a Man, Dating, He Said/She Said, Latests Posts, Marriage, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Sex, Texting, The Fade Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Does Anybody Want To Get Married Any More?

March 8, 2012 by 50 Comments

Here’s some interesting clips from an article that was brought to my attention today (It was actually an interesting read. 7 reasons why Marriage is good for men.)

But hear this, commitment-phobes: Tying the knot isn’t the death sentence that films like Revolutionary Road and American Beauty would have you believe it is. In fact, it’s the opposite. A growing body of research shows that marital bliss actually improves men’s health and boosts longevity, even moreso than for women. And that pesky little sex issue? Forget it — husbands and wives actually get it on morethan their single pals.

Despite any anecdotal evidence to the contrary, monogamy is not a one-way express ticket to celibacy. Quite the opposite, actually. Your bachelor buddies may brag more about their bedroom exploits, but when it comes to both frequency and satisfaction, husbands have the sexual health advantage.

Don’t think of walking down the aisle as losing your independence — think of it as gaining a few extra years on your life. Multiple studies have shown that marriage boosts longevity, particularly for men.

 

In last night’s letter, Diane said that she was online hoping to meet a guy who was looking to get married. I told her that maybe that wasn’t the best approach.

I think you and every other woman with the same mission are setting themselves up for failure when you approach dating with this mentality. Harsh truth? People are moving away from marriage. By our age, the men who have never married probably never will and those who have and divorced are probably way too skeptical of the whole shebang.I strongly urge you to adjust your approach and consider why you want or need marriage as opposed to some other kind of long-term commitment.

One commenter, Jack , rebutted with:

That’s why the world is going to hell in a hand basket. Really? Are we just throwing marriage away like that? Feminism and liberal BS have really killed the family in the west. There’s a reason why these men are not looking to get married – The women AIN’T worth marrying (Harsh truth). For a man to override his desire to hop around like a horny dog, there has to be something special. Are women today special? You meet a woman in NYC these days, and chances are you are one degree of separation away from someone who used to bang her for sport – And these women want us to be monogamous with them.

Now, I’m not opposed to marriage. I’ve often spoke of growing up in a household with parents and siblings who haven’t divorced and who don’t believe in divorce and values and honors commitment and marriage. In this area in particular, my father led by example, leaving me absolutely no excuse to fail should I choose to marry. I’ve also mentioned how my father never made marriage a major goal or tried to influence me in any way. I never deatl with the scenarios many single woman say they experience where all my relatives are just consumed and baffled by the fact that I’m single. Frankly I find those stories paranoid, self-important an overwrought.

Equally irritating are many (not all) of the pieces written by single women in their late thirties, forties and fifties insisting how happy they are being single. As though they chose that and didn’t, you know, end up single because they never learned how to relate to people in a way that wasn’t somehow toxic. (Yeah, I said it.) I loathe those pieces because most (not all) reek of false bravado. One week they’re bitching about the state of their love lives and their umpteeninth bad date or dating drama. The next they’re all, “Being single rules, yo! It’s awesome! Why would I want to get *eyeroll* married?? Married people are miserable!  I like my life as is!” As I’ve said before, I truly believe that the only people obsessed with how some women can be so comfortable with being single are the women who pretend to be the same way. It’s not society as a whole (though there certainly are segments of the population) that is threatened or confused. It’s them. Because they’re really not comfortable being single. At all. If I read one more piece by some woman who just can’t wrap her brain around why people are so threatened about her “choice” to be single I’m going to poke my eyes out with a hot fork. The ones truly comfortable with their choices aren’t constantly defending them.

Would I be opposed to getting married? No. But just saying that implies that that is a realistic option for me. And you know what? It’s not. Those are the breaks. It was difficult to come to that realization, but once I did, my love life became infinitely more enjoyable and productive. Men in my bracket, should they choose to marry, will probably want someone who can give them kids. If they are going to get married, that’s probably the main reason – to raise a family.

As I said last night, I think many men and women are moving away from marriage. Is that some sort of breakdown in our society? I don’t think so. Couples can still reproduce. The threat of financial ruin certainly isn’t as prevalent when you don’t get married. They can still live together without having to merge assets. The only real difference is the types of paperwork that you’re signing.

Despite all of this, I do still believe that there are plenty of people out there looking for and who can offer long-term commitment. They just don’t want to get married. Is that really not enough?

Maybe I’m naive and uninformed?

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Filed Under: Commitment, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Happy & Healthy, Latests Posts, Marriage Tagged With: , , , , ,

This Just In: Man Wants Sex, Is Still A Good Person

March 7, 2012 by 66 Comments

Name: Diane
State: PA
Age: 42
Comment: I’m looking for a long-term relationship, hopefully leading to marriage.  I posted tasteful pictures of myself online, but get very few messages.  I did a little experiment and set up a similar worded profile, also looking for a long-term relationship, but with pictures of myself in a bathing suit.

I’m getting a lot of messages on the bathing suit profile.  Some of them don’t reference my body or sex, but I’m too scared to answer them in case the men are expecting to meet up for a one night stand.

Am I right in assuming that the men ignoring the tasteful profile and flocking to the bathing suit profile are just looking for easy sex?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

 

Some of them don’t reference my body or sex, but I’m too scared to answer them in case the men are expecting to meet up for a one night stand.

They very well might end up being strictly in it for the sex. I under stand the concern. But there’s nothing that says you have to sleep with them. You go out with men not knowing if you’ll be attracted to them, right? It’s the same thing. It’s the same amount of risk involved. I think what you’re really afraid of is that you’ll end up sleeping with one of them only to discover he wasn’t interested in you beyond sex. That’s why you don’t sleep with them. But even that isn’t a guarantee. The guy could still take you out again and maybe even once more, have sex with you, and dump you. So what is your default response? Do you just not go out with any guy at all ever? Yeah, some guys just want to get in your pants. If that thought terrifies you, then you should really reconsider dating at all.

You posted a photo of you in a bikini. What that likely said to many men was, “I like my body.” That in and of itself is a huge plus in a man’s eyes. It means you’re reasonably secure and possibly even like S-E-X.  Again, bonus! These are good things. Not an insult. And these guys aren’t bad or wrong or “pervy” for considering liking sex a positive thing.

All that said, let’s talk about the whole “I’m looking for marriage thing.” Because that’s your real challenge.

I think you and every other woman with the same mission are setting themselves up for failure when you approach dating with this mentality. Harsh truth? People are moving away from marriage. By our age, the men who have never married probably never will and those who have and divorced are probably way too skeptical of the whole shebang.I strongly urge you to adjust your approach and consider why you want or need marriage as opposed to some other kind of long-term commitment. Many people want that person who will see us through to our old age. I get that. I understand those fears that many of us  have about being taken care of or having someone with us in case something happens to us or we get sick. We want that security, and that’s not an inordinate desire. It is, however, becoming more and more unrealistic. I say this as someone who had the same goal and finally came around to the fact that those men who wanted marriage were becoming fewer and fewer. The men who wanted relationships, however, were not. If you want  a relationship, you can get one. But if it’s security and some manufactured ideal you seek, you’re in for an uphill battle. Many of the men our age just aren’t on the same page. You’re going to have to go to Plan B, and that involves developing your own long-term plan for how you’ll take care of yourself later on if that is a concern for you. Because even if you do marry, there’s a 50/50 chance it won’t work out. Either way, you have to have a long-term plan.

Making this more difficult will be if you’re still hoping to have kids. Hopefully you’re open to being a step-parent, and if so you need to make sure that that is made clear in your profile. But if you’re not, and you’re still hoping to have your own or to adopt, you’re swimming against the tide. If these men wanted kids, they’d have had them by now. And if they’re 40+ and still hoping to have their own, they’re dating women in their early to mid thirties. Or younger.

So something is going to have to give.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Book, Dating, Dating Over 40, First Date Jitters, Latests Posts, Manly Man, Marriage, Meeting Men, OKCupid, Online Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Why Hasn’t He Proposed?

January 20, 2012 by 45 Comments

Name: Tolee
State: NJ
Age: 28
Comment: I’ve been in a relationship for over 2 years now, we’ve been living together for over a year. We knew each other 10 years. He talked about wanting to marry me 4 months in to the relationship. He’s always talked about wanting to get me “the ring i deserve”. He made a ton of money this past year. We split the bills 50/50 when i make a lot less. We have a great relationship and are really in love. I don’t know why he hasnt proposed yet. He talks about it often.. HELP. It really hurts.

 

He knew he wanted to marry you after 4 months? And you didn’t see anything questionable about that? No? Okay. Carry on then.

My guess is that he’s not ready to propose. It’s unfortunate that he’s built expectations by telling you, especially so early on, that he plans on marrying you. That was a big gaffe on his part. In more ways than one.

We have a great relationship and are really in love

Well, from here, it doesn’t sound so great. You sound resentful. Not just of the fact that he hasn’t proposed but that you and he split everything 50/50 even though you make less. That would fall under what they call “Money Problems.” Which is probably, next to sex, the leading cause to divorce. So you may wish to reconcile this issue before he does buy that ring. If he ever buys it. It’s possible he may have just been saying that to keep you around. He also very well could have changed his mind or at least re-considered. Yes, it’s a takesies backsies situation and I understand why that would hurt. That’s a cruel thing to do to someone. But better to learn what’s really going on than to pressure him in to buying that ring, proposing and getting married.

He’s talking about it because he doesn’t want you to think he’s changed his course. Most men don’t talk about it. They just do it. He’s clearly stalling. You need to ask him why and what his concerns are. The issue here isn’t why hasn’t he bought the ring. You’re focused on the ring and getting the ring ans showing off the ring and seem to be ignoring what could possible be some major cracks in the foundation of your relationship.

Before you say anything to him, you need to be sure that you actually want to be married to him or if you just want a wedding. Because marriage isn’t about a dress and a party. It’s about sacrifice and commitment. It’s about carrying your wife from room to room so she can watch her children open their Christmas presents for the last time. It’s about driving them to and from hospitals and sleeping in a cot next to them in a tiny room because they can’t climb stairs or because they might die on the middle of the night and you want to be there when they take their last breath. It’s about putting up with their family and taken second place when they have to care for sick parents. It’s about sticking it out when you’re too tired to fight anymore. It’s about making an effort to keep the lines of communication open. It’s about having sex when you’re too tired. It’s about fighting and sucking it up and saying you’re sorry even though you know you aren’t wrong.

That’s marriage. And it’s also commitment. It’s about putting yourself out and compromising and sacrificing. It’s about not giving up and making time and doing what you can for someone else even if it means inconveniencing yourself.

It’s not about a ring.

You need to figure out if this marriage thing is something that you not only want but are willing to work for. If you can’t broach a conversation with your partner and if you aren’t in tuned enough with your partner to know that something might be bothering them, then you don’t have much of a relationship.

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Dating, Latests Posts, Marriage

Beware The Man Who Commits Too Soon

January 15, 2012 by 109 Comments

Name: Carina
State: Florida
Age: 32

Comment: Moxie,

I moved to Florida last August from NYC.  Dating here has been great!  So much better than in NYC I have to say. I dated a few guys my first few months here and then I met a great guy 1st week of December.  We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.  It has moved quite fast.  We’ve only been together a bit over a month now but I can already feel he’s the one for me.  Of course since I’ve never moved into a relationship so quickly (and being a jaded New Yorker), I cant help but question the relationship sometimes.  I’ve been staying at his place 2-3 nights a week and he asked me yesterday if I would like some area in his closet to put my things because I go back and forth with a bag but I always need things that I don’t have with me plus my daily personal things etc.  And its getting annoying to be carrying a bag back and forth.  Also, this morning he mentioned that he would get me a key to his place.  He works from home most days and sometimes hes in the office on long business calls and when I get there after work Ive had to wait until hes done with his calls to open the door… I also use his gym sometimes or go in and out to get whatever so I dont know I guess hes thinking it would just be easier I guess…  Hes asked me a couple of times if I would feel comfortable living there and I think I would.  We already told each other we are in love, he met my family NYE (I havent met his) and we are on the same page in terms of what we are looking for… family, children…  He even asked me if it is something Im looking for in the near future.  He says hes ready for it and has hinted that within a year he would like to be moving forward with that plan which is exactly my wish.  We are the same age btw, 32.  Hes taking me on vacay next month to Europe and we just cant wait!  But, what do you think about this closet space and keys situation?  I feel like I want to be with him ALL the time.   And while this situation may sound great feeling the way I feel about him, Im afraid it may ruin what we have or may even make it too comfortable and easy for him (isnt it againts “the rules”?) and he may never pop the question.  What do you think?  I dont want to regret my choices later on…
State: Florida

 

You’re asking a lot of good questions. Unfortunately, you’re not asking the one question you should be asking.

Why is this man in such a rush?

I’ll say it. This situations feels all kinds of shady to me.

We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.

You can’t be serious that you think this is in any way normal or healthy. It’s not. Forget about all those stories you hear from friends and on websites or blogs. While a small percentage of these examples might actually be healthy, the large majority of them are not. Either somebody’s desperation or loneliness is being exploited or they’re both emotionally unhealthy people who happened to find each other, as most emotionally unhealthy people do.  That’s it.

Right now, you’re just so excited that you’ve met a man who not only wants to commit but wants to do it as soon as possible that you’re not seeing this situation clearly. You’ve crammed a bunch of milestones in to 6 weeks. Really think about that. Does that sound rational to you? Do you think it’s wise to be discussing children with someone you’ve been dating all of 6 weeks? Especially when you haven’t even met his family? Who the hell knows what sort of defective DNA he might possibly be carrying with him. These are the things that need to be considered when discussing children. People don’t just say, “Hey! Let’s have a baby!” There are things to be considered, many of which require that you have a clear and strong understanding of your partner’s values and history.

He works from home most days and sometimes hes in the office on long business calls and when I get there after work Ive had to wait until hes done with his calls to open the door

Um…what? He makes you stand out in the hall while he finishes his calls? And you don’t see anything wrong with that?

Right now he’s keeping you preoccupied with trips and sweet sentiments and offers of commitment. Why? You need to ask him why he’s in such a rush. You also need to ask yourself how it is possible you don’t think any of this is weird because your warning bells should be clattering so loud that you can’t hear yourself think.

I do not trust any relationship that starts off this quickly and intensely. Sorry. The only people who move this fast are either people with an agenda that has nothing to do with love or people who are needy and co-dependent.  Now, maybe you’re co-dependent, too. Maybe you two are both co-dependent people who have found each other. Super. Unhealthy people find each other all the time. But you two are talking co-habitation, possibly merging some of your finances…and children. Capital B Big Deal. These are not things you jump in to.

Im afraid it may ruin what we have

What exactly is it that you have? What could you have possibly developed in 6 weeks that is so profound? You are so caught up in the trappings of this relationship that you are ignoring the blaring sirens. He’s got a great apartment, he works from home, he’s taking you on a trip, he’s met your family, he’s said the “L” word. What do you really know about this man? And no, I’m not suggesting you do a back ground check. I’m suggesting you wake up, take off those rose colored glasses and ask yourself why you’re so willing to go along with this romance. I get that you moved from a  city that has a dearth of commitment-minded men. I understand. But that makes this story even more questionable. The new in town single woman desperate for a man who will commit meets one that commits in a week. It’s too perfect.

I’m telling you. No healthy  man is jumping to commit after this short of a time frame. No way. If they do, they’re either really desperate or shady. Men know that the best way to get a woman to behave the way he would like her to behave is to agree to be her boyfriend and “commit.” It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Once he gives her that, he can pretty much do whatever he wants. He will point to that one gesture to “prove” his worthiness and use it every chance he gets.

You need to take a few steps back and look at this situation objectively. You also need to get some background on his relationship history. This guy has either scared every woman off or he has moved a few other women in to this apartment only to have things dissolve soon after.

 

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Filed Under: Beware, Biological Clocks, Book, Commitment, Dating, Latests Posts, Managing Expectations, Marriage, Men To Avoid, Monogamy, Red Flags, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , , , ,
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