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How to Avoid Being Used for Sex

May 13, 2013 by 6 Comments

Name: flyetteconfwomenz
Comment: I met a guy a few years ago and we immediately liked each  other. Circumstances beyond our control separated us but we remained in platonic contact at a distance for months afterwards. At the beginning I think he was genuinely interested in who I was, but then I got the impression he merely wanted to have sex with me. No big deal since it was me who initiated the sex talk between us. After a while all contact stopped. We kept silent for years. Recently he sent me a message out of the blue saying he wants to see me and I gave him an evasive reply because it hurt me a lot having lost the contact before and I did not want to be taken for granted. I also do not want to be perceived merely in the sexual way. He has not replied for several weeks now. Is it possible he only contacted me because he wants to have sex? I do not think it is fair for him to reappear just like that, stir my feelings and then disappear again. I have been thinking of all the possibilities of why this happened. What seems most plausible is: 1. he made a mistake, and 2. prospect of sex only.
Age: 32
City: phoenix
State: arizona

I’ll generalize a bit here and say that I don’t think men are known for taking trips down memory lane. At least not where casual acquaintances are concerned. I am always suspicious of people from my past who pop up unexpectedly at random moments. I’ve done that, usually when I’m low on prospects or feeling lonely.

Let’s face it. You’re going to try and see him again and you’ll probably have sex with him. You’re going to make him “work for it” so that you can justify doing what you would have done anyway. Here’s the thing: he knows what you’re doing. If it’s sex he’s after, he’ll play along. You did not event this game. It has been around for centuries. The only thing you are achieving by being vague and non-responsive is gaining a false sense of confidence.

I also do not want to be perceived merely in the sexual way.

Using sex to get a man’s attention is actually what leads to a woman being defined by sex. Again, men know what we’re doing when we break out the dirty talk. They are well aware that many of us are using it to keep them interested. While they might return the attention, they are still suspicious of women who employ this tactic.

I was having a conversation with some friends last week. The topic was the challenge many women who write about sex (or dating) have in regards to being taken seriously. The key, I think, is to present a more well-rounded persona. If the most notable stories a writer has in her arsenal are of the sexual variety, then she will then become identified and defined by sex. However, if she offers pieces on other topics that are equally authentic and provocative, she has a better chance of being seen as a whole person and not just a bunch of hormones with an iPad. To break it down, if you don’t want a guy to want you just for sex, then don’t use sex to keep his interest. If you do, put out. That’s it. What you truly want, OP, is for this guy to return your level of interest. It’s not that you fear that he just wants sex. You fear that you’re playing the fool. So don’t. That is a conscious choice.

At the beginning I think he was genuinely interested in who I was, but then I got the impression he merely wanted to have sex with me.

Typically, if a guy is genuinely interested,  it’s the other way around. I can’t tell if you and he ended up sleeping together or not. If you did, and all the effort he made previously stopped, then he always just in it for the sex. He didn’t stir your feelings. You did that. You can’t put that on him. You’re in control of your emotions. Not him.

The fact that this guy never replied to your email should tell you everything you need to know. He was looking for something simple. He didn’t want to deal with your Feels. This magical connection you think you had was likely in your head. This is what presents the most difficult hurdle for women. They project their feelings on to the guy. All of them. They tell themselves that because a man did A, B and C that means he truly cares for her. A lot of men will say whatever it is they think will grease the wheels. I’m not sure why so many women don’t understand that. Something else that women need to burn into their brain is that if a man approaches a woman and talks to her in sexual way and plies her with compliments and then says, ‘Why don’t we meet for coffee/a drink to talk” he’s not just looking to talk. Instead of finding his honesty so refreshing and being blinded by his compliments, a woman should feel objectified and insulted.

I think this man has made his intentions clear, OP.

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Filed Under: Dating, Meeting Men, Men To Avoid, Sex, Sexting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Deal With a Guy Who Is Too Needy?

May 1, 2013 by 29 Comments

Name: Devenannoying-e1356637300485
Comment: Guy Who’s Too Needy!!!

Hi there,

So I have gone on five dates with an attorney who I met through work. He made a good impression initially but after the first date he started calling every day, then complaining that I didn’t talk to him long enough; e.g., more than fifteen minutes. Then he wanted to see me three days later; I agreed because the first date had been positive and suggested that we go to a local eatery…but he showed up with a bottle of wine. I told him I wanted to take things slow but he proceeded to question me about how long I thought it appropriate before being exclusive. He then began to email me, call me, and text me in addition to calling me everyday. I again told him to slow down.
I’ve also noted some odd behaviors which makes me think he may have Asperger’s Disorder. He seems emotionally immature for a 44 year old attorney, will stroke my hand for fifteen minutes while avoiding eye contact, and likes to stick his tongue in my ear (which I don’t mind, except that he missed my ear completely and left one side of my head wet). Those are just a few examples. He seems to be pushing for intimacy after only five dates, and he’s already making plans for us to do things together two months in advance…I can’t seem to get him to slow down.
Does this sound normal to people? Should I run for the hills?
Age: 43
City: NYC
State: New York

 

 

I’m taking a short hiatus from writing responses to these letters. I have other things I need to focus on and have some personal matters I need to tend to for now. If I can fit in a response or post here and there, I will. Enjoy.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, Meeting Men Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Depression, Daddy Issues & Meds – When Do You Reveal Your Baggage?

April 15, 2013 by 23 Comments

Name: Sophia
Comment: I’d like your advice on looking for relationship when you have baggage – as in emotional/mental baggage.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens. These days, I have those issues under control though I may have days when I feel overwhelmed and get headaches. I’m on medication in low dosage, and see a therapist twice a month.

This does not mean I am some crazy psycho. I spend each day trying to understand myself more so I could combat my issues. I take care of myself by eating healthy and exercising. I even meditate sometimes to sort things out. I may have issues, but they do not control me. I may have bad days, but not on a regular basis.

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy. I was always aware that my problems will turn guys off, but it seems so few are willing to give such a woman a chance. I used to delay revealing my issues until after several dates, but now I feel I need to mention it early on. Before, I used to think it was too personal to tell a guy about my meds and all, but now I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’ll turn out to be judgmental.

Part of my problem is that I have daddy-issues. My father and I have always had a difficult relationship, and I can be kind of guarded, and then needy once I relax. This doesn’t mean that I hate men or I’m an emotional wreck. I think I simply require a certain type of guy. A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad, which makes since because it says a lot about you. I usually answer that we have our days when things are not easy. I don’t want to be that woman with daddy issues, even if I do, but I don’t know how to properly answer that question.

I would just like advice on how to navigate the dating scene when there are aspects of me that make guys run in the opposite direction. I would like to have a relationship with a stable, decent guy but I’m aware that kind of a guy would be hard for me to get.
Age: 31
City: New York
State: New York

 

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy.

I disagree with this. I think, especially in NYC, taking meds and going to therapy is actually very common. I can’t imagine anybody here in Manhattan being so thrown by this information. What I can envision is a person being a bit concerned that a near-stranger has decided to unload all their problems on them on their first couple of dates.

A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad,

This, too, feels off to me. Really? Guys quiz you on your relationship with your Dad? Is that how the conversation goes? Or do you maybe bring up your Dad, possibly give off the impression that it’s a contentious relationship and the guys pick up on your cues and ask questions to be polite?

If you have your depression under control, then what’s the big deal? I’m sorry to be dismissive but depression and anxiety aren’t all that rare or scandalous. To me, it sounds like you actually want to be treated with kids glove about all this. There’s really no reason for you to tell someone you’ve just begun dating that you have to take medication. If your issues with depression or anxiety actually compromised your relationships or made them difficult, then I could see opening about and revealing this information. But if you’re taking care of yourself and following a doctor’s advice, then I don’t see why you would feel compelled to share this.

I’m thinking that your challenge isn’t the fact that you suffer from anxiety and depression. I’m going to guess the problem is in the way you present this information. If you use it as an excuse to explain why you get needy them yeah, a guy is probably going to bail. Not because you’re on meds but because you’re needy. You’re trying to find a connection between your mental health and why men appear to abandon relationships with you, but I’m not sure there is one. It could be as simple as you get unnecessarily insecure and cloying. Is that related to your anxiety? Possibility. But not definitely. And that is certainly treatable. It’s quite possible you’re just really needy for  constant validation and confirmation of a man’s interest. You can be sure that will send most guys running.

What I hear in your letter is, “I’m really complex. How do I get men to understand all the intricacies involved with me?” The problem with that is that you’re really not all that unique. You seem to be defining yourself by these extremely common mental health issues. You speak like you’re not stable when you are. You’re applying the stigma to you. Not them.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction, First Impressions, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Testing a Man Will Almost Always Backfire

April 14, 2013 by 25 Comments

Name: Pilot Girl
Comment: I met a guy a few months ago through a friend. He’s a little younger and works crazy hours in the investment banking industry. I wasn’t interested at first because of the age difference. I turned him down a few times before finally agreeing to go out with him and almost cancelled our first date. I’m glad I didn’t because it went really well and we had a really good connection.

He was very consistent about seeing me again and again. He didn’t let more than a day go by without texting or calling to set up the next date. Twice he called me very last-minute to see if I wanted to grab a bite or coffee after work (when his boss would unexpectedly let him go home early). I agreed to meet him both times on the fly and we had an amazing time talking and getting to know each other. But after the second time I let him know that I would prefer a few days notice for dates. From then on he started to schedule our dates in advance.

Here’s my issue. He called last Thursday and asked me out for dinner/movie in the next couple of days (our 6th date). I told him I was free on Friday (next day) and Sunday. He replied that either one of those days worked for him and that I could choose. I chose Friday and we made plans.

A few hours before our date he called to say something came up at work and he had to work late. He immediately suggested we reschedule to Sunday plus gave me Saturday as an option too. He caught me off guard so I initially agreed to Sunday as I was busy on Saturday.

Then I thought about it. Something didn’t feel right. That saying by Dr. Phil “you teach people how to treat you” popped into my brain. If I let him cancel on me at the last minute so early on in our courtship then will he think I’m a pushover? Lose respect for me? Do it again next time?

It was a very painful decision (because I really wanted to see him) but I texted him back and said I forgot about plans I had for Sunday (lie) and let’s try to connect next week. I wanted to send a message that canceling at the last minute was not OK and the consequence is that he won’t get to see me that weekend. He texted back right away with “Why are you bailing on me? But OK, whenever is good for you.”

He didn’t wait until next week to contact me. He texted on Sunday to say hello and then again on Wed evening to see if I was free for a bite (again last-minute because he finished work early). I was happy to hear from him but I was literally in the middle of having dinner with a friend. I told him I was busy and I’ll be happy to do it another time. He texted back “For sure!” but didn’t offer up an alternative. It’s now Friday and I haven’t heard from him since Wed. We don’t have any plans for this weekend and I feel like I blew it.

I feel horrible about telling him I was busy on Sunday when I wasn’t. I’m starting to think that this disingenuous move derailed our dating momentum. But as a woman who’s dated her share of jerks, players and flaky guys I find it hard to strike a balance between being flexible and being assertive. When do I let it go? And when do I put my foot down?

My dilemma is this: Did I do the right thing by making a stand when he cancelled on me at the last minute? Or did I need to be more flexible knowing that his job is very demanding and unpredictable? Who should make the next move? I feel like he’s pulling away (maybe due to my perceived lack of interest) and I’m really unsure about what (if anything) to do next.
Age: 42
City: Toronto
State: ON

 

Did I do the right thing by making a stand when he cancelled on me at the last minute?

No, you didn’t. You screwed up. This is a classic example of the way many men and women sabotage themselves by implementing tests. Everything appeared to be moving along nicely. Then you had to go and invoke some stupid rule and create a problem where there was none. Now he’s sitting back and waiting for you to initiate a date. So do it.

You’re sitting there waiting for a guy to screw up. When he doesn’t, you create a situation that you can point to and use as evidence that all men are this or that. You need to get over that. You can’t be looking for monsters around every corner.

I’m going to guess that your suspicion stems from the fact that this guy is younger than you. If the age difference was significant enough for you to be hesitant about dating him, I’m guessing he’s not just “a little” younger. He’s likely noticeably younger than you. If that is the case, then you should be suspicious of his motives. Two to three years? Eh, not a big deal. But if this guy is in his mid to late thirties, then you’re right to wonder what his intentions are. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date him. It just means that you should proceed with caution. This is one of those situations where critical thinking should come into play. Ask yourself this:

Why would someone his age want to date someone your age?

He could be totally sincere and interested in something substantive. You will only know that after you spend time with him. If you’re not able to set aside whatever questions you have about a man’s sincerity, then you should remove yourself from a situation. Give him a chance. A real one.

For the most part, the tests and traps that people use to determine someone’s character or interest prove nothing. All they provide is a false sense of confidence and security. They never consider that, as humans, we become adept and determining the right things to say and do in order to fulfill an agenda. It doesn’t matter if your goal is to get a free drink at a bar or get someone to commit or into bed. We say what we know people want to hear. We present ourselves in a specific light in order to get what we want. Sure, that guy will pay that bill or compliment you. Not because he’s so bowled over by your presence but because he knows not doing it will not get him what he wants. That’s what men and women do.

I have said this before: people who research their dates or who implement trite dating advice they’ve heard from charlatan dating coaches or their friends do so because they don’t trust themselves. They haven’t learned from their past mistakes. They don’t listen to whatever internal voice that that is telling them that something is wrong. I assume that the reason people do this is because they are hoping against hope that this Unicorn that has presented itself is real or because they need to prove something to themselves.

If you find yourself questioning somebody’s motives right off the bat, there’s a reason. That’s your brain poking at you and saying, ‘Hey…based on past experience and what we know to be typical, something about this isn’t right.”

I’ll say it again: Observe. Compare. Deduce.

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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Meeting Men, Men & Communication, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Much Should a Guy Give Without A Woman Reciprocating?

March 19, 2013 by 77 Comments

Hey, Moxie!

I’ve got a question for you that, I think, would be pretty fitting for your blog. While I am no longer in this predicament (everything worked out!), it seems like a common enough problem that others might be going through right now. The text is below:

—

I met a woman on OkCupid two weeks ago. We’ve been spending quite a lot of time together; all of the six dates we’ve gone on so far have been long and a lot of fun, and we really enjoy each others company. It didn’t take long before we started doing “new couple-” like things, like holding hands/each other and kissing/making out…but she’s shot down every attempt I’ve made at going to the next step and staying the night with her.

I’ve stopped seeing other people to start seeing her and am really excited to keep this going, but I am afraid I’ll have to wait months before we get intimate. I really do not want to do this nor do I want to pressure her into doing something she isn’t ready for. What do you think I should do?

Thanks!

Brian, 25, NYC

MOXIE’S EDIT: I asked Brian how this worked itself out and he said that he stayed at her place this past weekend and had sex. He also said that he told the woman in question, a couple dates earlier,  that he had stopped dating other women. She did not ask him to stop dating other people.

—

If you were a little older I might roll my eyes and suggest you re-think whether you want to continue dating her. But if you’re 25, she’s likely that age or younger, and therefore her behavior sounds reasonable. If it worked for you and didn’t cause you too much second guessing, then hooray. Crisis averted. You informed her that you were only interested in dating her. Two dates later she let you stay over.

Next time, though, I’m not sure you want to be so forth coming about that so soon.

You and she have only been dating a couple of weeks. In those two weeks you saw each other 6 times. You’re a single gal’s wet dream. And that’s the problem. I think making yourself available is key. But 6 dates in two weeks and swearing off other women and then telling her? Yeah, you made it a little too easy for her. By all means stick around. Just don’t tip your hand in case you meet someone who could take advantage of your patience.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding to focus on one person after 6 dates. I think 3 dates a week might be pushing it that early on. I usually cap it at two. Yes, be available. But be smart about it. 3 days a week says, “I don’t have much going on in my life and I might become clingy.” Not only is the appearance of the lack of options unattractive, but getting too familiar too quickly might make you overly dependent.

I just wouldn’t tell someone that, especially when they weren’t reciprocating interest in the way I prefer.  It’s a give and take process. Women know that men want physical reciprocation of the boobie/blowjob kind. She probably knew you wanted more than hand holding and kissing after a couple of dates. What you should have done was pulled back, and not make yourself more accessible. If she wants to take her time, that’s perfectly acceptable. But that doesn’t mean you should become her lap dog.  You played right into her hands.

I know some women will say that, just by agreeing to go out with him, she was reciprocating. That’s precious. But that’s not enough. You need to show appreciation. Pay a check, organize and plan the date, ask him out, etc. Yes, of course, they want sex, too. Guys will gladly accept other gestures as they wait for things to go in that direction. They’ll be annoyed, but their annoyance will be mild compared to how they’ll feel if they’re paying for everything and making all the plans and overtures and getting nothing but a kiss on the cheek. If anything, think of paying for a date as buying time until you can have sex without fearing your friends will talk behind your back.

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Filed Under: Commitment, Date Like a Man, Dating, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Sex, sexuality, Signs of Interest Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Why People Can’t Get Away With Being So Picky Anymore

March 11, 2013 by 16 Comments

Name: Dale
Comment: Dear Moxie,
Two men were given my number as an introduction. One called at 10pm on a weeknight (within days of receiving my #), the other called at 10:10pm Thursday two-weeks later. The latter mentioned in his voicemail (because I didn’t take the call) that he had my # for two-weeks and had been in Miami on business & in search of a 2nd residency there. Miami is not in a different time zone than NY nor is it an international call. I think an initial call/meeting sets a tone. These calls showed a lack of consideration and respect calling at that hour – not to mention displaying a bit of social-misfit behavior in my opinion. I have no interest in meeting them – too harsh? You only get one chance to make a first impression….
Age: 42
City: New York
State: NY

 

So basically you’re in a snit because these two total strangers didn’t make more of an effort to show you how important you are?

Would you also like to dismiss them because they had a 646 exchange instead of a 917?

You live in NYC. Most people consider 10pm relatively early. If it were past 11 I could see your point, but you are just nit picking here. My guess is if these men had sent you a text at 8pm instead of calling that you would have had a problem with that, too. Sorry to be harsh (not really) but I don’t think it’s fair to expect men to know what your personal boundaries are without even knowing you. They don’t know that you find a 10pm phone call inappropriate. Maybe that’s the first time they had a quiet moment and some time to talk?

Here’s a novel concept: maybe it’s not all about you? Maybe you, like these men, have some impressing to do? Dale, the days of women sitting on patios under parasols as their gentleman callers approach are gone. You could be 22 or 42, being this picky is not going to serve you well. People can not get away with this anymore.

You have manufactured a back story about these two men that probably doesn’t exist. Personally, I think people do that for one reason only: they don’t really want a relationship. I call people like this Bottle Neckers. They clog up the dating highway with nonsensical behavior and beliefs.

Not everything starts off like some meet cute scenario in a rom com.

 

 

 

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Sexy Isn’t A Compliment & Sarcastic Isn’t Attractive

March 8, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: E
Comment: I’m new to online dating, and I wanted to know how flirty should you be on emails?

So far I’ve had a couple of messages from men lead into them saying that I’m sexy. In person, I would have a flirty response that wouldn’t be taken too seriously but would let them know that I was interested; however, online, it seems difficult to relay that without insinuating if we me meet, there will be sex.

Also, I’m finding it difficult to translate who I am (witty/sarcastic) online. In one case, I made a joke and it ended with me apologizing because they thought I meant something else; it was a debacle of an exchange.  Can you provide a scenario/sample flirty response?

Also, am I right to assume that if I’m called sexy without much banter that their sole purpose is sex? I would buy “attractive” or “pretty” but “sexy” seems to pour it on.

Thanks for your advice!
Age: 30
City: Jacksonville
State: FL

 

There are two types of men that tell a woman they just met that she is sexy.

Type One: The socially awkward guy who thinks that complimenting the looks of a woman they just met is appropriate. In my book, it’s not.

Type Two: The guy who, as a male friend says, “just wants to get right to it.” The use of the word sexy is intention and meant to get you thinking in a sexual way.

Take a look at the comments on this thread over at XOJane. Now, this woman pretty much admitted she’s a trainwreck when it comes to dating. Yet look at how many White Knights jump in to tell her how hot she is. Yes, she’s attractive. But she could have said she likes to strap bombs to her chest and walk into playgrounds and these guys would still be all up in her business about how gorgeous she was. Those guys use compliments to get on her good side. It smacks of trying too hard.

Personally, if a man addressed me as sexy, or commented on how sexy I was in the first few initial emails, I’d bail. That is, unless I knew with great certainty that I wanted to have sex with him and therefore opened that door for him to walk through. Then I’d go along to get along.  I’d reply with something demure like, “Aww. That made my day. Thanks! So, how about [subject change.]” But those cases are rare. The guys who know how to play the game don’t typically go there. The ones who don’t, well, they do. Since I’m not a fan of being involved with men who wear training wheels, I usually just stop responding or suddenly come up with a reason why I ‘m “taking time off from online dating.” Then I just block him. Guys who go the “sexy” route just seem juvenile and inexperienced to me. It’s a delicate dance, and if a man is going to need me to lead that early, I have no time for him. Then there’s the fact that these men see nothing wrong with sexualizing and objectifying a stranger. No, I don’t take it as a compliment that you think I have beautiful calves or a hot mouth. Nor do I need you, Internet Stranger, to enlighten me on all the ways my physical appearance is arousing.

So, E., to summarize, I’d ignore men who go this route with you via email. Not worth your time. They’ll either require a great deal of handling or they’re shit testing trying to gauge the level of difficulty involved with getting you into bed. or they’re just lying because they’re desperate. Who wants to be with someone like that?

I would also pay close attention to the messages (both the written ones and the underlying ones) that you send in your profile and email communications. Often I hear women talk about how guys say something dripping with innuendo “out of the blue.” Mmmm….no. I mean, yes, some dudes are just that boorish and stupid. But just as often the woman has said something she knows will be taken in a sexual way. Then when she’s called on it, so to speak, she starts clutching her pearls and fanning her face. If you put something out there that can in any way be construed as sexual, expect a lot of men to jump through that door you just opened.

I would avoid trying to wow people with your personality in the initial email exchanges. There’s too much that can go wrong with that. Keep it as simple as possible. I would also avoid any references to how sassy or sarcastic you are. That’s another one of those buzz words I consider a red flag if I see it in a profile or in email exchanges. Sarcasm is extremely difficult to convey in writing. Which is why people who use it tend to tip their hand as to how lacking in self-awareness they are. I’m a god damn barrel of monkeys, but you won’t see blatant examples of that in my profile. I focus on aspects of my personality that I feel men find important – I’m kind, I’m nurturing, I’m healthy,  I’m intelligent, I’m strong,  I like sex. Boom. Done. I have my filters in place to ward off guys I know I won’t be compatible with offline. I still get the occasional message from a Beta type. Delete. Block. Not for me. For the most part I hear from and get responses/meet men my speed. The profile is the teaser. It’s not a bio or resume.

Neither men nor women should try to be flirty or sexy or funny or aloof at any time online.  Be cordial, be polite, be engaging,  be vague, don’t get into to much detail about personal history and movie it offline ASAP. Never invest too much time or effort in these messages. The goal is to get offline. Stay online too long and you’ll get too comfortable and develop unreasonable expectations.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Beware, Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Are City Singles More Attractive Than Suburb Singles?

February 28, 2013 by 51 Comments

Name: Chris
City: Nutley
State: NJ
Comment: Any ideas on how to meet single girls in the suburbs? I don’t meet anyone through my job and the people I meet in the different activities I try, like co-ed sports, are already in a relationship. Then the only ones who are interested in me on the dating websites are the overweight women – which is the exact opposite of me. I’m athletic and active. Also, I’m white, and it seems like women of other races are interested in me, but white women are not. I don’t get it.
Age: 35

 

My opinion is that, if you can’t find anybody online that you want to date, you’re probably not going to find them offline, either. When you use online dating you are literally surrounded by single, eligible people. If you go to a bar or a sports group or some other activity that isn’t singles related, you have no idea who is available. With online dating, you do. If you can’t manage to find or attract anybody to your liking when you’re online, there’s a disconnect. It all comes down to perception. If you go around thinking that there’s nobody out there to your liking, you probably won’t ever find them. So the first thing you need to do is change your attitude.

Then the only ones who are interested in me on the dating websites are the overweight women – which is the exact opposite of me.

When you say overweight, what exactly do you mean? Like, severely overweight or, like, 10 or 20 pounds overweight? Because if you’re one of those people who refuses to date someone even slightly overweight, you should really just stay home. You should also take a reality pill. Unless you are objectively hot, you don’t get to insist upon only dating women of a certain body type. If you can’t manage to meet or find anybody to you liking anywhere, you’re either too picky or not as attractive/engaging as you think. It’s that simple. Someone slightly over weight (to you) can still be quite healthy and fit. I’m a size 10. I probably weigh about 155-160 pounds. I do intervals/run 3-4 times a week and, for the most part, stick to a diet of 1400 calories a day. I’ve had doctors comment on my immune system, my heart and my lungs. I have great skin and hair. Someone not a size 4 or 6 can be fit and healthy. Some people just don’t have the genetic make up that allows them to be a smaller size. Please don’t say that women with some extra weight aren’t healthy and that’s why you won’t date them, as fitness is really important to you, because that’s crap. You want a thin woman. That’s fine. You’re allowed to have your type. Just don’t justify it with a bunch of BS.   Also? Based on your other admission about never hearing from white women, you just might be a tad ignorant. Preferring to date someone of a certain race is one thing. Expressing it as you did is another.  That is suburbanite simplicity at work. I’ve said this many times before, the City Single mentality is very different from the Suburb Single mentality. There is a simpleness to people that live in suburbs that people who live in cities simply can not jibe with.

The slender and in shape women you seek? They’re going for guys in Manhattan. And they’re getting them. They’re not looking for Suburb Guy. They want City Guy. I’m going to throw this little theory out there. I think City Singles are more attractive mentally and physically than Suburb Singles.  City Singles are more concerned with their looks because they are surrounded by other attractive people. Walking down the street in a major city is a constant reminder that there is always someone younger, richer and hotter. Hence why people in the city tend to pay more attention to the external. We are always being exposed to what else is out there and are starkly aware of who our competition is.

If meeting someone fit and active is important to you, then you have to create a dating profile that makes that clear. You need to discuss, without going over board, how you stay active and healthy. You should post pictures of you involved in activities or outdoors. You’re never going to be able to prevent people who aren’t your type from contacting you. You have to just accept that pretty much everybody online thinks they’re better looking than they are or are willing to throw a bunch of darts at a dartboard. That’s online dating. If you can invent a filter that will stop messages from people you don’t find attractive from hitting your inbox, email me. Until then, you just have to accept that online dating involves slogging through a lot of people that don’t interest you. There is no avoiding that.

I would not make any kind of statement in your profile about only wishing to meet women of a certain race or ethnicity. That makes you sound ignorant and possibly racist. Same goes for including a disclaimer in your profile that you only wish to hear from petite/slender/slim women. You’ll end up turning off a large majority of the people you wish to meet.

Chris, if you only wish to date slender women, my suggestion to you is to look towards Manhattan.I believe you are more likely to meet a slender, fit and active women in Manhattan than you will in Nutley, New Jersey. Go ahead. Flame me and call me an elitist. You’ll hardly be the first.

As for why so many women of color contact you, I’ll leave that up to women and men who fall in to that category to offer insights.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Weight, Dating In a Big City, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How Dating Is Like a Ponzi Scheme

January 21, 2013 by 44 Comments

Name: Tied Up
Age: 36
State: Maryland
Question: I met this guy online in December.  Immediately, we had great email, great banter, and I looked forward to his emails every morning, and he told me he looked forward to mine.  That went on for a couple weeks–he’s divorced with partial custody of kids, so I understood it might not be the easiest to meet up with him.  We talked on the phone, and against my usual good judgement, we talked for several hours the first night, and then several more the second.  We met the next night, Tuesday, even though we had planned our first date for Wednesday.  We had a great time, and there was clear physical chemistry.  We hugged good night, and went our separate ways.  Wednesday night, we still held our date.  Things got a little out of hand, and we ended up both have a little too much to drink, and I took him home with me.  We kept up the regular calls and texts whenever he had his kids, and we were together anytime we were both free.  We had several talks about how neither of us had really experienced this type of connection with someone so quickly, how natural it was, and while it was scary, we just needed to go with it.

Jump to two weeks ago, I was going on vacation with my family.  I talked to him when I could, but since I was out of the country for most of it, it was just too expensive for me to call.  The same thing with texting.  But in the beginning of the week, when I did hear from him, he’d end all his communications with ‘miss you’ or ‘wish i could see you’.  Then I texted him the night before I came home, and asked him if he was still planning on coming to my place the next night.  He was clearly distant in his responses, so I knew something was off.

The next day we chatted for a few minutes, but it was mostly about the plan for the night.  He wanted to meet me somewhere for a beer, so I knew there was something wrong.  I guess I should have just asked him then and there what was wrong and saved us both the time, but I was confused.  The short of it is, he met me at the bar and told me that while I was on vacation, his ex girlfriend contacted him and said she left something at his house.  I thought the timing was coincidental, but his birthday was also that week, so I’m wondering if that also triggered her getting in touch with him.  They were together for a year, and she broke up with him about 4 months ago, because she didn’t want a serious relationship.  I’m not really clear on what went down, but he told me they met for a movie and afterward she made a compelling argument for why she wants to get back together, and that he loved her and wants to give it another try.  But he wanted to stay in touch with me, and that breaking things off with me was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.

I told him in a text the next day that I don’t think I should stay in touch, because it would be too confusing for me.  He said he understood and would respect that.  But I’ve been heartbroken.  Against my better judgment, I sent him a text yesterday that I hoped his medical procedure went well, and we’ve exchanged a few texts since then about what’s going on in my life mostly.

In my head, I know I’m just setting myself up for more heartbreak, but I am having trouble not holding out hope that his relationship is going to fail and we’re going to have another chance.  I was with someone who didn’t want a commitment, and he would show up every few months or so when he got lonely and it would always go the same way.  And that’s what I keep thinking will happen with them.  But I also remind myself that if she’s really committed, they could be married in six months.

Do I need to stop all communication and just accept that this wasn’t meant to be?  How do I get past this?  I’m usually a pretty level headed person and can walk away, but I’ve never experienced this type of head-over-heals feeling.

What you’re experiencing is the after-shock that comes with false hope. I’m not sure what actually went down while you were away. Seems a little sketchy that the minute you’re back is turned he’s entertaining his ex-girlfriend, though. I thought that he was the one who as all, “I’ve never felt like this before!” Orly? Not even when you were with your last girlfriend that you still love and that you dumped everything for because she suddenly showed interest in you, you twee?

Something about his story doesn’t fit with me. Which makes me wonder if he made it all up because he found himself in an instant relationship and didn’t like it. I mean, parts of the story could be true. But if he had been so smitten with you as he claims, then he would have just dated you both. So he was either lying then or he’s lying now.

The heartfelt admissions. The fast connections. That’s not normal operating procedure. Adults don’t talk like this. These are utterances that come from young people whose whole idea of dating relationships has come from books, television and movies. They aren’t real and neither was this relationship. If you were the one saying these things and he just agreed, that’s not the same as if he came out and said these things himself. You realize that, right?

What I think happened is that he had some time to come down to earth while you were on vacation. Not being able to talk to you meant that the cloudy haze he had been functioning under was gone. With that particular curtain pulled away, he realized that he had gotten himself into something he actually didn’t want.  The girlfriend ex machina is a little too convenient for my tastes. Plus, how much of a pussy is he if he just bails on the women he’s dating after the woman who dumped him snaps her fingers and asks for another chance? No. Sorry. He’s lying. I’m calling it now.

Breaking things off with you was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do? Really? Huh. I’d thinking telling his children that Daddy was no longer going to be living with Mommy was the hardest thing he had to do. This guy is all over the place.

Now, what were the red flags?

1. The fact that it took two weeks to meet each other - Look, it’s an hour or so of his time. Unless he’s The POTUS, he can finagle that. He was dragging his feet.

2. The hours long phone calls/chat sessions – I don’t understand. He was too busy with his kids to meet you but could spend hours on the phone. Inconsistency.

3. The Ex-Girlfriend Story - Haven’t we all used this one to get out of a sticky situation? You’re not clear on what went down because nothing actually went down. He lied. 4 months goes by before she realizes she left something at his house? I don’t know about you, but when I stop seeing someone I do a final sweep of the apartment to make sure every toiletry, sock and t-shirt are with me. If I miss anything, it’s his.  What could she have possibly left that was sooooo important that she had to have it the week you were out of town?

4. The level of investment/interest so soon - Nobody gets this wrapped up in someone they just met. If they do, that in and of itself is a red flag. Only someone truly lacking in experience or someone with a history of poor judgment would build up those expectations and encourage you to follow suit.

It’s going to sting for a couple of weeks. You’ll eventually get through that once you accept the situation for what it was, which is not what you thought it was. You’re sitting there thinking that you came thisclose to having something ideal. You didn’t. It was an illusion. I don’t think this guy intentionally tried to lead you on. I don’t think he has a clue what he wants. and is probably kind of a mess. When he had a moment to think without the white noise, he realized that this wasn’t what he wanted after all. Unless there’s more to this story that you’re not revealing, this is a simple case of building your expectations too high thereby creating  a longer and harder fall.

 

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Filed Under: Beware, Break Ups, Dating, Meeting Men, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How Good Looking Do You Have To Be To Date Online?

January 7, 2013 by 19 Comments

Name: Uri
Age: 39
State: WA
Question: Dear Moxie

I’ve been on various dating sites for 18 months, and update my profiles regularly, with new pictures (making sure to delete old ones), and have refined my text so that it shows what I offer a man.

Although I’m not as facially attractive as other women, I have a nice body and I am in great shape, due to watching what I eat, and intensive workouts (I don’t mention this in the profile, but show this in tasteful full body photos.)

Online, I’m getting men who visit the profile numerous times, but don’t message me.  I can go two weeks without getting a message, and the men who contact me are looking for discreet sexual arrangements and are married or seeing someone.

I have messaged men who I find interesting (older, average or quirky looking guys who happen to have common values or interests) and have either had outright rejection, or we swap a few emails then they stop replying when I ask them out.

I found that I was getting approached by more men when walking down the street, in bars or at the gym, so on Friday I tried to delete my OKC profile.  I had forgotten my password and couldn’t delete the profile, so instead I removed my photos.

Over the weekend I have had five emails from men I would find interesting.  One even said “your profile reads nice, but sometimes what’s written is more attractive than the visuals.”.  I felt that he nailed my problem.  Men find what I offer on paper attractive, but I just can’t compete with other women’s faces.

 Getting better photos isn’t an option because I’ve had professional shots, social snaps with friends, social photos taken great photographers, photos of me doing my (feminine) hobbies, self portraits with my DSLR, etc

The only thing that got me dates was photos of me wearing very revealing clothing.  In the end, I had to delete those photos because the men I met for coffee or drinks were disappointed when I didn’t go home with them afterwards and didn’t want a second date.  One man even told me that my photos were misleading because I was a really nice intelligent woman.  (He admitted he hadn’t read my profile, just wanted to sleep with the woman in the photos).

Should I go ahead and delete my photos, or keep trying. If so, what kind of photos should I upload?

 

My friend and I were out Saturday night. A woman walked past us. We both commented on the fact that she had a great bum. When she turned around, he and I had very different takes on how she looked. I found her face unattractive. He insisted that the woman was hot. Was she objectively attractive? I don’t think so. But what I think doesn’t matter. What matters is that a man thought she was attractive. “Women don’t get to tell men what we should find attractive” he said.

You’re comparing yourself to other women and rating your looks based on them. That’s what we do. Unless your plan is to switch teams, you should stop doing that. Will you have a ton of options? No. But then very few of us do. You’re not having an atypical online dating experience. Everybody has the same one. Evey woman gets hit on by the skeevy married dude with no photo, the chubby guy from some suburb, the twentysomething brah, etc. This just in: online dating attracts a bunch of drooling idiots. That’s why I laugh when whiny dudes come here and talk about the little experiments they perform. They create fake profiles with stock photos of hot women or men and send out unintelligible messages and still get responses. Super. Too bad people responding to those profiles and fake photos are likely idiots. Seriously, who doesn’t know how to tell the difference between a stock photo and a real one? Who actually believes that Ms. Maxim or Mr. J Crew is genuinely interested in meeting average looking them? People who fall for this are ignorant or naive boobs. They should not be considered data or proof of anything other than there’s a lot of stupid/horny/lonely people online.

If you’re being approached offline you can’t be that unfortunate looking. Online dating is a very superficial and subjective thing. It doesn’t help that most people bring to it a very distorted perceptions of themselves. Even you. You assume you don’t measure up because you are comparing yourself to other women on those sites. You’re not factoring in to the equation that what men consider attractive and what women consider attractive often greatly differ. I tend to believe that women have a more rigid definition of what constitutes beauty, whereas a man’s definition is more fluid.

Frankly, I don’t see anything wrong with shaking your money maker a little bit.If you’ve got a great bod, show it off! Use it! Don’t roll around naked on a bed, but work with what you have. Everybody does it. The lawyers and doctors who reveal that they’re lawyers and doctors. The British/Australian/Irish guys who give themselves usernames like “ManfromOz” or “YourLeprechaun” and tout their accents in their profiles. They do that because they know American women swoon over accents. Breaking” men like boobs and bums and waist lines. So flaunt ‘em if you got ‘em! Just learn how to vet the responses you receive a bit better so you can cut down on the number of offensive idiots that want to take you out.

People who don’t have pics shouldn’t even bother at this point. Only the most desperate of people respond to a profile with no photos. Afraid your little secret will be revealed?  If your friends/co-workers are online and find you, guess what? That means they’re on there too. So get over it. Just don’t reveal anything that could get you fired or make co-workers lose respect for you.

Uri, keep your photos on your profile. Promote your assets tastefully. Don’t be afraid to be sexy. Then be patient.

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Dating, Meeting Men, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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