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Is a Man’s Height Really That Important?

April 18, 2013 by 74 Comments

Name: Roymaw
Comment: Dear moxie and those who comment frequently,

Whats a short guy to do?

So here’s the deal, I’m 27 and independent. I am good-looking and look very young for my  age. I am a sharp dresser and funny and charming, people in general adore me. I have accepted these truths after being told this by a variety of people with no relation or bias to me. My confidence is the highest it’s ever been in my life, and I love to build on it every day.

My main insecurity, which does not bug me nearly as much as it used to, is that I am 5’3. I have had women who are attracted to me tell me that they wish I was taller. I feel like in those situations it is them feeling self-conscious about their height, not mine as I don’t mind taller women at all.

My question is: When I’m in a situation where a woman ‘wishes I was taller’ should I call her out on it and make it clear that her height does not make me insecure? Or am I better off looking for women who aren’t bothered by the difference? Or should I just stick to the shorties? Looking forward to your feedback.

Thanks,
~~Roy
Age: 27
City: Boston
State: Ma

 

A woman who tells you, to your face, that she wishes you were taller is not  a nice person. That’s the first thing you need to understand. She doesn’t really wish you were taller. She’s trying to make herself seem less shallow and obnoxious. You’ll never be taller than 5’3″. That’s just reality. They know that. It’s a fixed escape. By saying to you that they wish you were taller, they’re trying to gracefully (in their deluded mind) exit the conversation.

It doesn’t matter that her height doesn’t bother you. It matters that your height bothers her. She’s not genuinely concerned for the blow to your ego that you might take by being out with her. She’s contemplating the sneers and smirks she will receive by being seen with you.

Let’s face it. 5’3″ is short. It’s not Michael J. Fox short. It’s short.  By 27 years old, you know this. You can proceed as though it’s not, but you’re not helping yourself. Unless you have a number #1 sitcom on the air with a million dollar movie franchise behind you, no amount of charm is going to make up for your height. I’m not an advocate of repeatedly shooting out of your league. Should you swear off taller women? No. But they are not your audience. The “shorties” are.  I have to admit that I hear a disdain for shorter women in that sentence. That’s akin to a chubby woman saying she doesn’t like to date “fat” guys. Whether you like to hear it or not, the “shorties” are your target market.

I am a sharp dresser and funny and charming, people in general adore me.

Right, but do you understand that many of those people are probably being disingenuous? While I’m sure there are plenty of people who like you, just by being 5’3″ some people are going to naturally condescend to you thinking they’re doing you a favor. So don’t buy into all of that. That’s no different than the deluded women who go around saying how “everybody” think they look 10 years younger than they are. Most of them don’t. They’ve just been told that they do because people can smell their insecurity or need for attention. It’s not real.

I think a big part of your problem is that you’re taking all this feedback you receive and believing it. You said it yourself. People “adore” you. Orly? Don’t you think if that were the case then some of them would toss their personal biases a side and date you? You want to believe that your personality and charm should make people overlook the fact that you’re 5’3″. The problem with that is that that charm might not actually exist. You’re believing the hype instead of facing the reality of your situation. No good comes from that. The dangers to existing in an echo chamber where everybody tells you what you want to hear is that you end up believing that you’re something that you’re not. If you’re going to repeatedly gravitate towards people who swoon over your charm and personality, you’re going to continue to go up against what you’ve encountered. That being, a bunch of douchey women who pretend to wish that you were taller. Notice how they don’t say that they wish they were shorter. They’re making it about you. They’re telling you in a subversive way that they perceive you to be flawed.

Focus on women that are focused on you. Learn ways to meet women who don’t find your height an issue. That’s where you’ll have the most luck.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Height, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Depression, Daddy Issues & Meds – When Do You Reveal Your Baggage?

April 15, 2013 by 23 Comments

Name: Sophia
Comment: I’d like your advice on looking for relationship when you have baggage – as in emotional/mental baggage.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since my teens. These days, I have those issues under control though I may have days when I feel overwhelmed and get headaches. I’m on medication in low dosage, and see a therapist twice a month.

This does not mean I am some crazy psycho. I spend each day trying to understand myself more so I could combat my issues. I take care of myself by eating healthy and exercising. I even meditate sometimes to sort things out. I may have issues, but they do not control me. I may have bad days, but not on a regular basis.

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy. I was always aware that my problems will turn guys off, but it seems so few are willing to give such a woman a chance. I used to delay revealing my issues until after several dates, but now I feel I need to mention it early on. Before, I used to think it was too personal to tell a guy about my meds and all, but now I don’t want to waste my time with someone who’ll turn out to be judgmental.

Part of my problem is that I have daddy-issues. My father and I have always had a difficult relationship, and I can be kind of guarded, and then needy once I relax. This doesn’t mean that I hate men or I’m an emotional wreck. I think I simply require a certain type of guy. A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad, which makes since because it says a lot about you. I usually answer that we have our days when things are not easy. I don’t want to be that woman with daddy issues, even if I do, but I don’t know how to properly answer that question.

I would just like advice on how to navigate the dating scene when there are aspects of me that make guys run in the opposite direction. I would like to have a relationship with a stable, decent guy but I’m aware that kind of a guy would be hard for me to get.
Age: 31
City: New York
State: New York

 

It seems a lot of guys refuse to date any woman who is on psychiatric meds or in therapy.

I disagree with this. I think, especially in NYC, taking meds and going to therapy is actually very common. I can’t imagine anybody here in Manhattan being so thrown by this information. What I can envision is a person being a bit concerned that a near-stranger has decided to unload all their problems on them on their first couple of dates.

A lot of guys ask what kind of relationship I have with my dad,

This, too, feels off to me. Really? Guys quiz you on your relationship with your Dad? Is that how the conversation goes? Or do you maybe bring up your Dad, possibly give off the impression that it’s a contentious relationship and the guys pick up on your cues and ask questions to be polite?

If you have your depression under control, then what’s the big deal? I’m sorry to be dismissive but depression and anxiety aren’t all that rare or scandalous. To me, it sounds like you actually want to be treated with kids glove about all this. There’s really no reason for you to tell someone you’ve just begun dating that you have to take medication. If your issues with depression or anxiety actually compromised your relationships or made them difficult, then I could see opening about and revealing this information. But if you’re taking care of yourself and following a doctor’s advice, then I don’t see why you would feel compelled to share this.

I’m thinking that your challenge isn’t the fact that you suffer from anxiety and depression. I’m going to guess the problem is in the way you present this information. If you use it as an excuse to explain why you get needy them yeah, a guy is probably going to bail. Not because you’re on meds but because you’re needy. You’re trying to find a connection between your mental health and why men appear to abandon relationships with you, but I’m not sure there is one. It could be as simple as you get unnecessarily insecure and cloying. Is that related to your anxiety? Possibility. But not definitely. And that is certainly treatable. It’s quite possible you’re just really needy for  constant validation and confirmation of a man’s interest. You can be sure that will send most guys running.

What I hear in your letter is, “I’m really complex. How do I get men to understand all the intricacies involved with me?” The problem with that is that you’re really not all that unique. You seem to be defining yourself by these extremely common mental health issues. You speak like you’re not stable when you are. You’re applying the stigma to you. Not them.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Drama Queens, Dysfunction Junction, First Impressions, Meeting Men, Meeting Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Does He Tell Her He Doesn’t Want To Be Serious?

April 7, 2013 by 90 Comments

Name: Christopher
Comment: I’ve been seeing this girl for about six months. We have not had “the talk” about being exclusive, but we have been seeing each other a few times a week recently. I really enjoy the time that I spend with her, and we get along great. However, I just don’t think I am ready to be exclusive yet. While I have not cheated on her, I have been approached by other women about going out, and I am interest In doing so. She will text or email me every day. It does not feel nagging or needy when she does so, but it is clear that she is into me.

However, I don’t want her feelings to get hurt. Part of me knows that it is her responsibility for how she feels, but I am aware that the actions I take have repercussions. I am 41, and she is in her early 30s. I am divorced, and do not want kids. We have not talked about anything serious like that, but she knows that I went through a painful divorce several years ago, have repeatedly gotten “too serious, too quickly” in the past, and I don’t want to make that mistake again.

I started to bring up the conversation the other night, but her job was just cut, and she just gotten the news, so I did not want to pile on to the emotional drama that she was experiencing. Part of me says that that was just a copout for not telling her, but the other part says I was being sensitive to her needs.

I know what to do, I just don’t know how to do it. I want to keep seeing her, but I just want to back off a little bit until I am ready to get more serious, whenever that may be.
Age: 41
City: Boston
State: MA

 

Well, if you’re not exclusive, then you’re not doing anything wrong by dating other women. So my advice to you is to go out with these women that intrigue you and see what else is out there. You might realize that the woman you’ve been seeing for the past 6 months is the one to whom you’d like to commit. If she is assuming that you two are exclusive, that’s on her. I’m sure some people will say that you need to be upfront and honest from the start with the women you date. In an ideal world, that would be nice. However, that’s not really in your best interest. It should be understood by now that someone who does not express a desire to commit doesn’t want to be committed at that point or at all. The onus is on the person for whom commitment or exclusivity is a priority to bring it up.

I know some of the female readership will take issue with this, but I would just pull back a bit and wait for this woman to speak up and ask what’s going on. Let her bring it up. When she does, you don’t have to tell her you’re dating other people. In fact, don’t tell her that. That’s unnecessary. Use this inquiry to gently remind her that you and she are not exclusive. If she says that she would like to be monogamous then you need to be clear about where you stand. Until then, there’s no need to go looking for problems where there are none. Scale things back so that you and she aren’t seeing each other – and therefore growing dependent upon each other – so frequently.

She’s not bringing anything up because she probably doesn’t want to rock the boat. It’s even possible that she likes things exactly as they are. I have said this before: women her age aren’t anxious to settle down with men your age. If she knows you don’t want children, and she does, then she’s either hoping you’ll change your mind or has no intentions of having children with you.  If you clarify anything with her it should be the subject of having children. That’s only fair.

If you want to back off then back off. There’s nothing preventing you from doing that. Now let’s address something else that you said.

but she knows that I went through a painful divorce several years ago, have repeatedly gotten “too serious, too quickly” in the past, and I don’t want to make that mistake again.

It takes two to tango, Christopher. Whether you’re expressing a willingness to commit verbally or through actions, you’re still communicating an interest level that may or may not be genuine.  If you’re not looking for commitment, then don’t see a woman three times a week. It’s not that you don’t want a relationship. You clearly do. What you don’t appear to want is to be exclusive to just one woman.

Going forward, should you find yourself back out there again, be mindful of your tendency to allow things to spiral out of control and take on the form of a committed/serious relationship. Make sure your actions align with your intentions.

 

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Filed Under: Commitment, Dating, Marriage, Meeting Women, Monogamy, To Settle or Not To Settle Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Should He Let Go of His Desire To Have Kids?

March 27, 2013 by 42 Comments

Name: Brian
City: New York City
State: NY
Comment: My divorce became final a few months and I’d like to start dating again. Since I would like to have biological children I prefer to date women between who are early to mid thirties. I’m upfront about this in my OK Cupid profile but find I am not getting the results that I want. I mainly hear from women late thirties and older.  Many of them are divorced women with children of their own. I’d prefer to have my own children before becoming a parent to another person’s child. How do I increase my chances of meeting someone in my desired age range who also wants to have children?
Age: 43

 

I think you need to start by being more realistic. While 43 certainly isn’t old, a woman of 30-35 can easily find a man closer to her own age. The early thirties woman might casually date you. I’m not sure you’ll find many that are crazy about having kids with a guy who will be a first time Dad at 45 or even older. Also working against you is the fact that you’re newly divorced. A lot of women will hear that and be skeptical that you’re actually ready to date again or in a rush to knock them up. I would suggest not mentioning how recent your divorce is in your profile. If a woman asks, then you can say within the last year until you get to know her better. Then you can tell her the truth. If, in your profile, you reveal your intention of meeting someone with whom you’d like to have children, take that out as well. That makes you sound like you have a biological clock ticking very loudly, and that ain’t sexy. No woman likes to be thought of as just a baby making machine. Whenever I see a profile of a man in his forties who says he still wants children, I pass.  I question the judgment and perspective of someone 40+ and above who hasn’t let go of that particular expectation. That’s not realistic, and that’s a sign of other possible difficulties.

If having children is a priority for you then you really should be focusing on the women in their late thirties. Yes, I know, they’re in their late thirties. But Brian….you’re almost in your mid-forties. Time to face some hard reality. First, you are less attractive to many women 10 years younger than you. You just are.  Put you next to a 35 year old and a woman is probably going to choose the 35 year old. Regardless of how potent you think your sperm is, the fact still remains that you’re still getting up there.You might be extremely fit and active, but you’d still be 8-12 years older than the women you wish to date. They don’t have to date someone your age. It’s possible that your desire to have children will go unfulfilled. Especially if you cut off women “of a certain age” because you insist upon dating younger. Blah blah blah biological imperative. I can hear some of the male commenters now.

I think you’d have a much better chance of having your own children if you broadened your horizons a bit. As we’ve said before, the people who are contacting you online are the ones looking for someone like you. Don’t fritter away your time and energy by chasing a dream because you still feel you deserve or are entitled to something else. That’s how people get burnt out on online dating.

There just comes a point in everybody’s life when they have to accept that certain goals or wishes are out of their reach.  And some people are just out of our league. They just are. As brutal as this might sound, men and women in their late thirties and older need to stop looking for the needle in the haystack and start getting real about their options. Marriage and kids  might not happen. You might not get that bright and shiny new car relationship. There might be a lot of mileage or a few dents. That just comes with the  territory as we grow older. Banging your head against the wall and rejecting people for not being exactly what you want isn’t going to get you closer to your goal. The reality is that you’re probably a little banged up, too. You can’t date for as long as we have and not be.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Meeting Women, Moxie 101, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Social Rules of Dating, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How Much Should a Guy Give Without A Woman Reciprocating?

March 19, 2013 by 77 Comments

Hey, Moxie!

I’ve got a question for you that, I think, would be pretty fitting for your blog. While I am no longer in this predicament (everything worked out!), it seems like a common enough problem that others might be going through right now. The text is below:

—

I met a woman on OkCupid two weeks ago. We’ve been spending quite a lot of time together; all of the six dates we’ve gone on so far have been long and a lot of fun, and we really enjoy each others company. It didn’t take long before we started doing “new couple-” like things, like holding hands/each other and kissing/making out…but she’s shot down every attempt I’ve made at going to the next step and staying the night with her.

I’ve stopped seeing other people to start seeing her and am really excited to keep this going, but I am afraid I’ll have to wait months before we get intimate. I really do not want to do this nor do I want to pressure her into doing something she isn’t ready for. What do you think I should do?

Thanks!

Brian, 25, NYC

MOXIE’S EDIT: I asked Brian how this worked itself out and he said that he stayed at her place this past weekend and had sex. He also said that he told the woman in question, a couple dates earlier,  that he had stopped dating other women. She did not ask him to stop dating other people.

—

If you were a little older I might roll my eyes and suggest you re-think whether you want to continue dating her. But if you’re 25, she’s likely that age or younger, and therefore her behavior sounds reasonable. If it worked for you and didn’t cause you too much second guessing, then hooray. Crisis averted. You informed her that you were only interested in dating her. Two dates later she let you stay over.

Next time, though, I’m not sure you want to be so forth coming about that so soon.

You and she have only been dating a couple of weeks. In those two weeks you saw each other 6 times. You’re a single gal’s wet dream. And that’s the problem. I think making yourself available is key. But 6 dates in two weeks and swearing off other women and then telling her? Yeah, you made it a little too easy for her. By all means stick around. Just don’t tip your hand in case you meet someone who could take advantage of your patience.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding to focus on one person after 6 dates. I think 3 dates a week might be pushing it that early on. I usually cap it at two. Yes, be available. But be smart about it. 3 days a week says, “I don’t have much going on in my life and I might become clingy.” Not only is the appearance of the lack of options unattractive, but getting too familiar too quickly might make you overly dependent.

I just wouldn’t tell someone that, especially when they weren’t reciprocating interest in the way I prefer.  It’s a give and take process. Women know that men want physical reciprocation of the boobie/blowjob kind. She probably knew you wanted more than hand holding and kissing after a couple of dates. What you should have done was pulled back, and not make yourself more accessible. If she wants to take her time, that’s perfectly acceptable. But that doesn’t mean you should become her lap dog.  You played right into her hands.

I know some women will say that, just by agreeing to go out with him, she was reciprocating. That’s precious. But that’s not enough. You need to show appreciation. Pay a check, organize and plan the date, ask him out, etc. Yes, of course, they want sex, too. Guys will gladly accept other gestures as they wait for things to go in that direction. They’ll be annoyed, but their annoyance will be mild compared to how they’ll feel if they’re paying for everything and making all the plans and overtures and getting nothing but a kiss on the cheek. If anything, think of paying for a date as buying time until you can have sex without fearing your friends will talk behind your back.

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Filed Under: Commitment, Date Like a Man, Dating, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Sex, sexuality, Signs of Interest Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Sexy Isn’t A Compliment & Sarcastic Isn’t Attractive

March 8, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: E
Comment: I’m new to online dating, and I wanted to know how flirty should you be on emails?

So far I’ve had a couple of messages from men lead into them saying that I’m sexy. In person, I would have a flirty response that wouldn’t be taken too seriously but would let them know that I was interested; however, online, it seems difficult to relay that without insinuating if we me meet, there will be sex.

Also, I’m finding it difficult to translate who I am (witty/sarcastic) online. In one case, I made a joke and it ended with me apologizing because they thought I meant something else; it was a debacle of an exchange.  Can you provide a scenario/sample flirty response?

Also, am I right to assume that if I’m called sexy without much banter that their sole purpose is sex? I would buy “attractive” or “pretty” but “sexy” seems to pour it on.

Thanks for your advice!
Age: 30
City: Jacksonville
State: FL

 

There are two types of men that tell a woman they just met that she is sexy.

Type One: The socially awkward guy who thinks that complimenting the looks of a woman they just met is appropriate. In my book, it’s not.

Type Two: The guy who, as a male friend says, “just wants to get right to it.” The use of the word sexy is intention and meant to get you thinking in a sexual way.

Take a look at the comments on this thread over at XOJane. Now, this woman pretty much admitted she’s a trainwreck when it comes to dating. Yet look at how many White Knights jump in to tell her how hot she is. Yes, she’s attractive. But she could have said she likes to strap bombs to her chest and walk into playgrounds and these guys would still be all up in her business about how gorgeous she was. Those guys use compliments to get on her good side. It smacks of trying too hard.

Personally, if a man addressed me as sexy, or commented on how sexy I was in the first few initial emails, I’d bail. That is, unless I knew with great certainty that I wanted to have sex with him and therefore opened that door for him to walk through. Then I’d go along to get along.  I’d reply with something demure like, “Aww. That made my day. Thanks! So, how about [subject change.]” But those cases are rare. The guys who know how to play the game don’t typically go there. The ones who don’t, well, they do. Since I’m not a fan of being involved with men who wear training wheels, I usually just stop responding or suddenly come up with a reason why I ‘m “taking time off from online dating.” Then I just block him. Guys who go the “sexy” route just seem juvenile and inexperienced to me. It’s a delicate dance, and if a man is going to need me to lead that early, I have no time for him. Then there’s the fact that these men see nothing wrong with sexualizing and objectifying a stranger. No, I don’t take it as a compliment that you think I have beautiful calves or a hot mouth. Nor do I need you, Internet Stranger, to enlighten me on all the ways my physical appearance is arousing.

So, E., to summarize, I’d ignore men who go this route with you via email. Not worth your time. They’ll either require a great deal of handling or they’re shit testing trying to gauge the level of difficulty involved with getting you into bed. or they’re just lying because they’re desperate. Who wants to be with someone like that?

I would also pay close attention to the messages (both the written ones and the underlying ones) that you send in your profile and email communications. Often I hear women talk about how guys say something dripping with innuendo “out of the blue.” Mmmm….no. I mean, yes, some dudes are just that boorish and stupid. But just as often the woman has said something she knows will be taken in a sexual way. Then when she’s called on it, so to speak, she starts clutching her pearls and fanning her face. If you put something out there that can in any way be construed as sexual, expect a lot of men to jump through that door you just opened.

I would avoid trying to wow people with your personality in the initial email exchanges. There’s too much that can go wrong with that. Keep it as simple as possible. I would also avoid any references to how sassy or sarcastic you are. That’s another one of those buzz words I consider a red flag if I see it in a profile or in email exchanges. Sarcasm is extremely difficult to convey in writing. Which is why people who use it tend to tip their hand as to how lacking in self-awareness they are. I’m a god damn barrel of monkeys, but you won’t see blatant examples of that in my profile. I focus on aspects of my personality that I feel men find important – I’m kind, I’m nurturing, I’m healthy,  I’m intelligent, I’m strong,  I like sex. Boom. Done. I have my filters in place to ward off guys I know I won’t be compatible with offline. I still get the occasional message from a Beta type. Delete. Block. Not for me. For the most part I hear from and get responses/meet men my speed. The profile is the teaser. It’s not a bio or resume.

Neither men nor women should try to be flirty or sexy or funny or aloof at any time online.  Be cordial, be polite, be engaging,  be vague, don’t get into to much detail about personal history and movie it offline ASAP. Never invest too much time or effort in these messages. The goal is to get offline. Stay online too long and you’ll get too comfortable and develop unreasonable expectations.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Beware, Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Are City Singles More Attractive Than Suburb Singles?

February 28, 2013 by 51 Comments

Name: Chris
City: Nutley
State: NJ
Comment: Any ideas on how to meet single girls in the suburbs? I don’t meet anyone through my job and the people I meet in the different activities I try, like co-ed sports, are already in a relationship. Then the only ones who are interested in me on the dating websites are the overweight women – which is the exact opposite of me. I’m athletic and active. Also, I’m white, and it seems like women of other races are interested in me, but white women are not. I don’t get it.
Age: 35

 

My opinion is that, if you can’t find anybody online that you want to date, you’re probably not going to find them offline, either. When you use online dating you are literally surrounded by single, eligible people. If you go to a bar or a sports group or some other activity that isn’t singles related, you have no idea who is available. With online dating, you do. If you can’t manage to find or attract anybody to your liking when you’re online, there’s a disconnect. It all comes down to perception. If you go around thinking that there’s nobody out there to your liking, you probably won’t ever find them. So the first thing you need to do is change your attitude.

Then the only ones who are interested in me on the dating websites are the overweight women – which is the exact opposite of me.

When you say overweight, what exactly do you mean? Like, severely overweight or, like, 10 or 20 pounds overweight? Because if you’re one of those people who refuses to date someone even slightly overweight, you should really just stay home. You should also take a reality pill. Unless you are objectively hot, you don’t get to insist upon only dating women of a certain body type. If you can’t manage to meet or find anybody to you liking anywhere, you’re either too picky or not as attractive/engaging as you think. It’s that simple. Someone slightly over weight (to you) can still be quite healthy and fit. I’m a size 10. I probably weigh about 155-160 pounds. I do intervals/run 3-4 times a week and, for the most part, stick to a diet of 1400 calories a day. I’ve had doctors comment on my immune system, my heart and my lungs. I have great skin and hair. Someone not a size 4 or 6 can be fit and healthy. Some people just don’t have the genetic make up that allows them to be a smaller size. Please don’t say that women with some extra weight aren’t healthy and that’s why you won’t date them, as fitness is really important to you, because that’s crap. You want a thin woman. That’s fine. You’re allowed to have your type. Just don’t justify it with a bunch of BS.   Also? Based on your other admission about never hearing from white women, you just might be a tad ignorant. Preferring to date someone of a certain race is one thing. Expressing it as you did is another.  That is suburbanite simplicity at work. I’ve said this many times before, the City Single mentality is very different from the Suburb Single mentality. There is a simpleness to people that live in suburbs that people who live in cities simply can not jibe with.

The slender and in shape women you seek? They’re going for guys in Manhattan. And they’re getting them. They’re not looking for Suburb Guy. They want City Guy. I’m going to throw this little theory out there. I think City Singles are more attractive mentally and physically than Suburb Singles.  City Singles are more concerned with their looks because they are surrounded by other attractive people. Walking down the street in a major city is a constant reminder that there is always someone younger, richer and hotter. Hence why people in the city tend to pay more attention to the external. We are always being exposed to what else is out there and are starkly aware of who our competition is.

If meeting someone fit and active is important to you, then you have to create a dating profile that makes that clear. You need to discuss, without going over board, how you stay active and healthy. You should post pictures of you involved in activities or outdoors. You’re never going to be able to prevent people who aren’t your type from contacting you. You have to just accept that pretty much everybody online thinks they’re better looking than they are or are willing to throw a bunch of darts at a dartboard. That’s online dating. If you can invent a filter that will stop messages from people you don’t find attractive from hitting your inbox, email me. Until then, you just have to accept that online dating involves slogging through a lot of people that don’t interest you. There is no avoiding that.

I would not make any kind of statement in your profile about only wishing to meet women of a certain race or ethnicity. That makes you sound ignorant and possibly racist. Same goes for including a disclaimer in your profile that you only wish to hear from petite/slender/slim women. You’ll end up turning off a large majority of the people you wish to meet.

Chris, if you only wish to date slender women, my suggestion to you is to look towards Manhattan.I believe you are more likely to meet a slender, fit and active women in Manhattan than you will in Nutley, New Jersey. Go ahead. Flame me and call me an elitist. You’ll hardly be the first.

As for why so many women of color contact you, I’ll leave that up to women and men who fall in to that category to offer insights.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Weight, Dating In a Big City, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Are You An Online Dating Debbie Downer?

December 11, 2012 by 38 Comments

Name: Matt
Age: 34
State: PA
Question: Hello, here’s my question, preceded by a bit of exposition. Back in 2011, after a particular failure dating-wise, several people suggested online dating. Having used match.com and lavalife in the past and not being especially enamored with their services, I was reticent. But people kept saying how good okcupid was, and it was free so I tried it. Nine months and zero dates later, I disabled my account.

Not wanting to succumb to cynicism, I tried joining eharmony; I got one of the infamous “REJECTED” messages.

In April, a facebook friend asked me out; I didn’t think I’d be interested, but I decided to try anyway. In July, she was pressuring me to go into a more romantic direction, and I wasn’t feeling it. Being in a relationship solely because of fear of loneliness isn’t my style, so I broke things off.

So, I reactivated my okc account. 3 months, no dates. I deleted my account.

Since then, I’ve checked some newer sites that connect through facebook, but no one’s really using those.

Basically, my faith in online dating is at a critically low level. Is there anyway to restore it?

 


 

Being in a relationship solely because of fear of loneliness isn’t my style, so I broke things off.

Or maybe you broke things off because, and I’m just spit balling here, you thrive off being some sort of real life Debbie Downer (DebbieDownerHorn2)when it comes to dating? Maybe you just prefer to continue on doing things exactly the way you’ve been doing because they result in failure, not in spite of it? Maybe you’re looking to blame anyone and everything else for why you have such trouble because you don’t want to fix the one and only thing over which you have any control?

I mean, come on. You’ve even set up your life in such a way to make dating that much more difficult by working the night shift. Granted, you probably don’t have much control over that and need to work. I understand. It’s like what DMN says: don’t do things that will make dating more difficult. Don’t get a dog. Don’t stop taking care of yourself. Don’t put a tattoo on your face. Subtract. Don’t add. If you work mostly at night, and you include that in your profile, that’s probably a leading cause to the lack of response you’re getting. Oh, something else killing your chances? If you mention your blog devoted to comic books. Yeah, that’s a lady boner killer, too. Dude, it sounds like you kind of thrive off of being undateable to some degree. The problem isn’t the medium you’re using. The problem is that you’re obviously not using the medium to your advantage or want to succeed.

Look at what you’re doing. You’re utilizing methods that have only proven failure to you. You “try” sites that don’t have a lot of people. You keep going back to OKC even though you don’t get any responses. You even left a relationship because you felt like you were settling or compromising or some other such nonsense.You are a prime example of someone who relies upon confirmation bias to shape and validate their perceptions about dating.

Dating is hard. Online dating especially. It takes effort and follow through and self-awareness and tolerance and a thick skin. Anything with such a frequent rejection rate does. But if you really want to make it work for you, you can. You just have to be willing to follow the guidelines, appropriate your expectations and accept your station.

You remind me of the women who email me asking to see photos of people registered for Speeddating events or who ask me if it’s worth their while. What they’re really requesting is that I convince them to attend. Which I don’t do because a) I don’t have to, as we sell out our female spots for every event and b) people like this are a nightmare to date. I employ all kinds of screening tactics and remove people from lists and groups if I feel they are bad daters.

Matt, it’s not my responsibility to convince you why or how online dating works. If you want to believe that it doesn’t work for you, then it never will. I happen to think online dating works. My success with it started when I appropriated my expectations, embraced my audience and stopped caring. I met a guy on OKC when I had the casual sex box checked and he asked me if I saw a future for us. Who knew? Instead of judging him or placing certain expectations on things, I just met him for a drink with an open mind. If you go into every dating endeavor thinking you have it all figured out or believing it won’t work, then expect to fail. This is why so many people struggle the way they do. They brace themselves for the #FAIL, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They have continued down the same path over and over again, choosing the wrong people or engaging in the same behavior and then are shocked – shocked I tell you! – when yet another relationship implodes or never materializes.

If you’re not having success meeting people online or off, then I’m not sure the problem is online dating. I’m thinking it’s you. Either there is something about you physically that is working against you, or you’re not projecting yourself the best way you can or your attitude is holding you back.

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Filed Under: Dating, Happy & Healthy, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating, Whine of The Week Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Importance of Identifying Polite Rejections & Reading Social Cues

November 8, 2012 by 32 Comments

Name: Shannon
Age: 34
State: New York
Question: I have been communicating with a guy I met on eHarmony for about two weeks. He likes to have long (about one hour) telephone and texting conversations.  I do not. We are meeting for the first time tomorrow. I think it’s odd that he wants to talk/text so much when we haven’t even met yet.  Most guys are not talkers. He seems clingy, and my red flags are going up.  Most guys I meet online talk to me once for twenty minutes before we meet.  Our conversations are not even very interesting. Does it sound like he is weird or just interested?

It sounds like he’s putting all his eggs in one basket. As I mentioned earlier this week, this level of interest from someone I’ve never even met sets off my warning bells.  What I find really questionable is how he chose to spend so much time to chat online or via text rather than just meet you. Maybe he was traveling or otherwise busy. I don’t know. But if someone is going to invest so much time online, then why not just meet up?

The only people I know who spend this much time getting to know their prospective dates are people who are ambivalent about meeting someone in person. They’re either not in the head space to actually date or they fear that their date will reject them based on their looks. I’m assuming there wasn’t something like work or health issues preventing him from meeting sooner, yes? If that’s the case, then something is holding this guy back.

He either is trying to build rapport so that you’re less likely to reject him or he’s insecure about something/not ready to date. I see this kind of behavior a lot in people who aren’t emotionally ready to date or who haven’t presented themselves accurately in their profile.

You’re right in that it’s not typical for most men to be so chatty and available before meeting someone. I think your warning bells are definitely on the mark. Something about this isn’t right.

Now, does this mean you shouldn’t meet him? No. You should meet him. I just wouldn’t go into that date with high expectations. People who show this much interest this soon tend to be crash and burners. They are destined to flicker out quickly. Could he turn out to be the love of your life? Sure. Anything is possible. But you’ve already formed an opinion about him in your head. It’s going to be hard to switch off that tape.

Again, I will say that people should not be giving their phone number out until the day before a date. This is why.

I will also add that people need to learn how to be more clear about what their boundaries are. If you are uneasy with this much communication, then you need to cut it off in a way that isn’t abrupt.  Folks also need to learn how to read social cues. As DMN pointed out in this comment: “Learn to accept polite rejections because we need them in order to function in society.”

Identifying and accepting polite rejections and social cues are two must have dating skills. Functioning adults are expected to know how to identify these things. When I mentioned in a post earlier this week that I gave a guy I met online my phone number “in case anything changes” the message was “Don’t text me for any other reason.” If I reply and say, “That’s sweet. Good luck with your meeting!” I’m removing myself from the conversation. No, I don’t expect men to be psychic. I expect people to know when someone is politely closing a conversation. If someone signs off an email or text with “Have a great weekend/night” or “I’ll give you a call tomorrow” they’re trying to end the conversation. Let them go. If you ignore these cues you end up coming off clingy and desperate.

A woman who rejects a guy’s frequent attempts to hang out and comes up with a series of excuses is trying – very hard – to tell the guy she doesn’t want to hang out with him. Ever. Trust me, however you interpreted the initial meeting was inaccurate. She may have been ” friendly” but that still doesn’t mean she genuinely wanted to be friends or hang out. People are overly friendly to people who make them uncomfortable or in order to avoid a conflict. In La Motta’s situation, he asked her for her phone number. She gave it to him. She didn’t ask for his. There’s your cue. That one thing now defines and explains the whole situation. The end.

The “I’m getting back with an ex” is now a staple polite rejection. As is the “I’m busy/tired.” Also a polite rejection? No response at all. Pushing for a response makes you look crazy. A friend was at a party once and was with two female friends. Both women were going on and on about the guys they were dating. They each texted the guy and invited them to join them at the party. Both guys said they’d prefer to stay at home because they had  along week. They couldn’t figure out why these guys would text them to hang out when they felt like it and they (the women) would meet up with them, but when the situation was reversed the guys were always too busy or tired. Answer: Those guys weren’t interested other than when they wanted to get laid. They don’t want to actually date these women.By their mid-thirtes, grown women should understand this. This is how many women fritter away time on the wrong guys. They ignore social cues and can’t identify a polite rejection.

How do you convey a lack of interest without being rude? You lie. If you’re at a party and someone corners you and won’t stop talking, you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, go to the bar or to make a phone call. If they proceed to follow you around, that’s on them. If you stay there and allow these people to hijack you, then you are equally to blame. I once watched a guy at a party. Women were crawling all over him as he made his way around the bar. Instead of just excusing himself, he offered to buy each woman a drink. He went from point A to point B in that bar and ended up buying 3 different women drinks just to escape all three conversations. Talk about awkward. I was embarrassed for him and the women who were all but clinging to his ankle as he tried to get away from him. By a certain age, we all should know how to remove ourselves from situations. That’s a must.  If you don’t you are going to waste opportunities and time.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Facebook Friend Collector & Guys Who Just Want to Be Friends

November 6, 2012 by 37 Comments

Name: Lala
Age: 28
State: MN
Question: I recently separated from my husband. We are getting divorced and I have started dating. My ex has a serious girlfriend.

I had an intense, horrible relationship with someone right out the door. I was not ready to date anyone and it ended very badly. This was very hard for me since I had only been in one serious relationship, the one with my soon to be ex-husband. I was 16 when I met him, 18 when we had our son, and 21 when I married him. I’m now 28. Needless to say, I am very new to dating.

Eventually I was feeling like getting back on the horse and one of my coworkers mentioned an online dating site. I always looked down on them in the past and didn’t really want to do it, but I didn’t want to go to the bar every time I didn’t have my son and end up making the same mistakes with the same kind of guys.
I tried out two. One I paid for and one was free. The paid site was horrible for my confidence. It seemed as though I was not attractive to the kind of guys I was looking for. The free site was like a shock in the water. I received email after email after email!!! I was excited yet kind of taken back by this. I talked to a LOT of guys in the first month on that site and yet only two from the paid site. The two on the paid site were nice and seemed more interested in actual relationships. I only met up with one. He was what I thought I was looking for, but he was not interested in me for more than friendship. That is what he told me after the date anyway. He ended up trying to hook up with me a few times a few weeks later.

I met up with a lot of guys from the free site. All were nice, some more fun than others, all very attractive, but I have yet to make a connection with any of them. They like me and text a lot, but I seem to get to a third date and feel like they are not what I’m looking for.

During the middle of this, and what I am writing this about, I got all dolled up and went dancing with a group of people for my niece’s 21st birthday. I hadn’t really dressed up since before I separated and since I had lost some weight,  I was feeling pretty good and decided  to wear a sexy outfit and show myself off.
We went dancing and I let loose. I had a really great time. Just about to the end of the night, I was standing in an open area away from the dance floor just to the side of the bar. My best friend and I were posing for a picture. We were being kind of silly and having fun with it. After that we went to return to the dance floor. I was approached by a VERY attractive guy. He was dark and handsome and I stood and talked with him for about a half hour. I, being a bit intoxicated, told him he was adorable and was about to walk away when he asked for my number. I gave it to him and went on dancing until the place closed and we all left.
Later that night, he called me while we were getting some food. I walked outside and talked with him for a few minutes and invited him to come hang out with us at the party back at the house. He said he couldn’t but would like to see me again soon.

The next day I didn’t even really remember him getting my number and when I thought about it, I figured he and I were just drunk and he would not end up contacting me again. I was wrong. He texted me the next day and asked how the rest of my weekend was. We chatted a little and friended each other on Facebook. It turns out he is a model and a bartender. I was a little surprised that he had interest in me. Now, I have confidence, but this specimen was a little “out of my league”.

We have continued to talk on the phone from time to time, text and we have made plans to meet up. He got sick the first time, the second time my car broke down.  He texted me on the way back from his sister’s wedding the other day and said that he was thinking about me all weekend.

I have continued to meet up with people from the online site for dates and even met someone the good old fashioned way and went on a couple of dates with him, but this weekend I decided to do something different. I texted him and said: “I know this might be a little out of the blue, but I am a very straight forward person. I know we don’t know each other very well,  but are you interested in me for dating or are you simply looking for friendship?” I got an almost instant response. It usually takes him a few minutes between texts, this was lighting fast. He said: “Well, I don’t know you very well. That is my fault though. I think you are cool and I am going to make time for you this week no matter what.” I was about to reply and he also sent: “I love that you asked that!” I ended up replying with a simple thanks and said for him to get in touch with me this week.

So, long story short, I am wondering if I should count this guy out or if I should try to meet up again and see where it goes. I’m a little skeptical because he is nice, funny and very attractive. I know he has a lot of females in his life. I don’t want to feel “special” if I’m really not.

Thanks,
L

 

This guy is collecting female friends for his Facebook page so he can make himself seem desirable.He’s getting number after number at these clubs where he hangs out, adding them to his phone and maintaining conversations with multiple women at any given time.

Anyone that eager to let you into their Facebook/Twitter/Blog world is probably just seeking attention. They don’t care what you see, what pics you view or what wall posts you read. They just want the addition to their follower count and to show off. They want an audience.

He called later that night after meeting you because he was looking for someone to hook up with and couldn’t find anyone else. That’s all he wants, I think. He’ll probably try to make last minute plans with you should he not have anything else going on. He’ll invest just enough, sending texts and complimenting you. That’s so he can offer that last minute invite and it will seem genuine and not just a last ditch effort.

You’re not special to him. Nobody is.

As for the paid versus free online dating sites, yes, you’re going to kind fewer clowns on the paid sites. There will still be some, but not as many as the free sites. Don’t assume that because someone pays for their membership that that means they’re more serious, though.They’re paying to avoid the flakes and clowns as well as to meet people who actually want to get offline. Also realize that, on the paid sites, many of the people you see with “active” profiles aren’t paying members. That means they can’t email you or respond to messages. That’s part of the reason why you received so few messages.  This is the main reason why I won’t pay for a Match.com subscription or a Nerve Dating membership. I will not use a “free to sign up but you have to pay to contact people” site. They might have a lot of members, but my guess is very few of them pay to be there and have no emailing capability.  At least with a free site you know everybody can reply or respond. There are way fewer fake or dead profiles.

As for your guy who didn’t want more than friendship, dig this: he says that to everybody. PS? Being “just friends” does not involve having sex. Like your Facebook guy, this guy takes out woman after woman and tells her the same story. They agree to be friends because he follows through and wants to “hang out as friends.” Then he makes his move.  He’s just looking for casual hook ups.  If he just came out and said that, nobody would go out with him. So he takes them on a date, tells them he just wants to be friends, hangs out under the guise of being friends and then they hook up.

And…scene.

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