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Why Testing a Man Will Almost Always Backfire

April 14, 2013 by 25 Comments

Name: Pilot Girl
Comment: I met a guy a few months ago through a friend. He’s a little younger and works crazy hours in the investment banking industry. I wasn’t interested at first because of the age difference. I turned him down a few times before finally agreeing to go out with him and almost cancelled our first date. I’m glad I didn’t because it went really well and we had a really good connection.

He was very consistent about seeing me again and again. He didn’t let more than a day go by without texting or calling to set up the next date. Twice he called me very last-minute to see if I wanted to grab a bite or coffee after work (when his boss would unexpectedly let him go home early). I agreed to meet him both times on the fly and we had an amazing time talking and getting to know each other. But after the second time I let him know that I would prefer a few days notice for dates. From then on he started to schedule our dates in advance.

Here’s my issue. He called last Thursday and asked me out for dinner/movie in the next couple of days (our 6th date). I told him I was free on Friday (next day) and Sunday. He replied that either one of those days worked for him and that I could choose. I chose Friday and we made plans.

A few hours before our date he called to say something came up at work and he had to work late. He immediately suggested we reschedule to Sunday plus gave me Saturday as an option too. He caught me off guard so I initially agreed to Sunday as I was busy on Saturday.

Then I thought about it. Something didn’t feel right. That saying by Dr. Phil “you teach people how to treat you” popped into my brain. If I let him cancel on me at the last minute so early on in our courtship then will he think I’m a pushover? Lose respect for me? Do it again next time?

It was a very painful decision (because I really wanted to see him) but I texted him back and said I forgot about plans I had for Sunday (lie) and let’s try to connect next week. I wanted to send a message that canceling at the last minute was not OK and the consequence is that he won’t get to see me that weekend. He texted back right away with “Why are you bailing on me? But OK, whenever is good for you.”

He didn’t wait until next week to contact me. He texted on Sunday to say hello and then again on Wed evening to see if I was free for a bite (again last-minute because he finished work early). I was happy to hear from him but I was literally in the middle of having dinner with a friend. I told him I was busy and I’ll be happy to do it another time. He texted back “For sure!” but didn’t offer up an alternative. It’s now Friday and I haven’t heard from him since Wed. We don’t have any plans for this weekend and I feel like I blew it.

I feel horrible about telling him I was busy on Sunday when I wasn’t. I’m starting to think that this disingenuous move derailed our dating momentum. But as a woman who’s dated her share of jerks, players and flaky guys I find it hard to strike a balance between being flexible and being assertive. When do I let it go? And when do I put my foot down?

My dilemma is this: Did I do the right thing by making a stand when he cancelled on me at the last minute? Or did I need to be more flexible knowing that his job is very demanding and unpredictable? Who should make the next move? I feel like he’s pulling away (maybe due to my perceived lack of interest) and I’m really unsure about what (if anything) to do next.
Age: 42
City: Toronto
State: ON

 

Did I do the right thing by making a stand when he cancelled on me at the last minute?

No, you didn’t. You screwed up. This is a classic example of the way many men and women sabotage themselves by implementing tests. Everything appeared to be moving along nicely. Then you had to go and invoke some stupid rule and create a problem where there was none. Now he’s sitting back and waiting for you to initiate a date. So do it.

You’re sitting there waiting for a guy to screw up. When he doesn’t, you create a situation that you can point to and use as evidence that all men are this or that. You need to get over that. You can’t be looking for monsters around every corner.

I’m going to guess that your suspicion stems from the fact that this guy is younger than you. If the age difference was significant enough for you to be hesitant about dating him, I’m guessing he’s not just “a little” younger. He’s likely noticeably younger than you. If that is the case, then you should be suspicious of his motives. Two to three years? Eh, not a big deal. But if this guy is in his mid to late thirties, then you’re right to wonder what his intentions are. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date him. It just means that you should proceed with caution. This is one of those situations where critical thinking should come into play. Ask yourself this:

Why would someone his age want to date someone your age?

He could be totally sincere and interested in something substantive. You will only know that after you spend time with him. If you’re not able to set aside whatever questions you have about a man’s sincerity, then you should remove yourself from a situation. Give him a chance. A real one.

For the most part, the tests and traps that people use to determine someone’s character or interest prove nothing. All they provide is a false sense of confidence and security. They never consider that, as humans, we become adept and determining the right things to say and do in order to fulfill an agenda. It doesn’t matter if your goal is to get a free drink at a bar or get someone to commit or into bed. We say what we know people want to hear. We present ourselves in a specific light in order to get what we want. Sure, that guy will pay that bill or compliment you. Not because he’s so bowled over by your presence but because he knows not doing it will not get him what he wants. That’s what men and women do.

I have said this before: people who research their dates or who implement trite dating advice they’ve heard from charlatan dating coaches or their friends do so because they don’t trust themselves. They haven’t learned from their past mistakes. They don’t listen to whatever internal voice that that is telling them that something is wrong. I assume that the reason people do this is because they are hoping against hope that this Unicorn that has presented itself is real or because they need to prove something to themselves.

If you find yourself questioning somebody’s motives right off the bat, there’s a reason. That’s your brain poking at you and saying, ‘Hey…based on past experience and what we know to be typical, something about this isn’t right.”

I’ll say it again: Observe. Compare. Deduce.

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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Meeting Men, Men & Communication, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Is It Possible To Out-Grow a Partner?

February 27, 2013 by 8 Comments

Name: Lisa
Age: 24
State: New York
Question: So, I love my boyfriend, but we’re from two completely different backgrounds. I’m biracial and from a single-mother family and I know how to hustle. He’s from a nuclear, anglo-saxon family and is pursuing his passion of being a freelance/business-owner of his recording engineer studio.

I wouldn’t dare break up with him A) not because I fear being alone or B) because I’m annoyed/over it/out of love, but I’m having a hard time communicating my need to propel things forward. I don’t even believe in marriage, but in terms of moving in together, etc. He always seems like my urgency to talk about it is unwarranted and I don’t want to rush into anything at all, but if we’ve been together for 3 years (I’m 24 and he’s going to be 26 in June), when is it obvious that two people can’t communicate/work together/don’t have the same views and goals in life?

 

I think some people need to mark the progress of a relationship via gestures and milestones. Moving in together is a tangible thing you can point to so you can tell yourself that things are headed in a certain direction. I’m old school about living together. For me, living together means we plan on being together for a very, very long time. Maybe even permanently. Do you see that kind of future with this guy you’re dating? If not, then why be in such a rush?

You sound like you want the grand gesture just so you can prove to yourself (and probably some of your friends and family) that the relationship is going places and he’s not taking you for granted. At the same time you appear to be conflicted about you actually feel about him and the relationship.

I know a guy who, at 31, has already lived with 3 or 4 different women. (FYI? He cheated on his last two girlfriends a mere month or two after moving in with them.) For as long as I have known him he has always hopped from relationship to relationship, barely having a month or two of actually being single. He moves in with them at pretty much the same point in the relationship: around the 8 month mark. A couple of years ago he broke up with his GF of about 3 years, that he lived with for 2, and started dating someone 3 months later . She was almost 10 years younger than him and mere weeks out of her teens. A year later they were engaged. Now, everything about this situation seems like one collective red flag to me. That’s only because I know certain details. To the outside world, I bet people look at that and think it’s romantic and wonderful and wish those two kids all the luck in the world. Me? I see a guy who can’t be alone and who has a pretty flexible definition of commitment who was in a rush to lock something down before the girl matured and learned to know better.

If he is unwilling to have these conversations with you, then you either need to change your approach or accept that he does not feel the same urgency you do. Now, does that mean he doesn’t love you? Not necessarily. Not everybody feels the need to make it official, so to speak. It sounds to me like you do. My first suggestion is to really be honest with yourself about what you want and why. Do you need to prove something to yourself? Do you actually see long-term potential in this relationship? Despite what you say, do you fear being alone?

Signs of incompatibility having to do with goals and values and communication styles usually crop up pretty early on in a relationship. If this is the first time you’re actually noticing the potential incompatibility then it sounds like you and he have out grown each other.  In that scenario I mentioned above, I honestly believe the reason why he proposed to that girl when she was barely 21 was because he feared she’d eventually out-grow him. You started dating this guy when you were 21 or so. Now you’re approaching your mid-twenties.  What worked at 21 maybe doesn’t work at 24. What is it that you really want out of this relationship? More importantly…what do you want out of life? Does a relationship fit into that picture? These are the questions you need to ask yourself.

Sometimes it’s as simple as you and your partner are no longer compatible. Isn’t it better to determine this before you live together than after? Maybe you were on the same page once. Time has a way of changing things and changing people.

 

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Do Men Always Say Exactly What They Mean?

February 26, 2013 by 21 Comments

Name: Dana
Age: 27
State: Michigan
Question: I’ve been seeing someone for over a year now, nearly two. We got into an argument the other night, and something stands out to me that I don’t know really – and this sounds stupid – how to understand it. “You’re more invested than I am, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t want to break up.” I’m getting all kinds of warning bells that are telling me to hang on, because this doesn’t sound good. Help?

 

I don’t think it’s atypical for one person to be more invested than their partner at any given point in a relationship. The issue for me is that he verbalized this thought to you. To me it seems like he’s trying to tell you something.

There’s a big difference between “I’m really happy and can’t think of what life would be like without you” and “I don’t want to break up.” The former is an expression of genuine commitment and emotional investment. The later, to me, is a lazy way of saying you could take the relationship or leave it.

Wherever this guy stands, he’s telling you that your level of investment is a cause for concern for him.That’s all I get from this. Like I said, you didn’t share much about this other than the statement itself. Without the whole conversation I can’t really tell what this guy’s motivations are.

For the most part I think men say exactly what they mean. When they utter something that leaves us trying to decode or decipher it, that usually indicates that they’re trying to broach a topic that makes them uncomfortable. They’re trying to say something without actually saying it. Whatever the subject is, it’s one that they fear will create unnecessary drama and conflict for them. They dance around what they actually mean hoping the woman will figure it out and solve the problem on her own. It’s a bad combination of diplomacy and cowardice. In general, if you find yourself trying to figure out the hidden meaning of a statement, that means that you know on some level there’s a message in the sub-text.

I would suggest asking him to expand on what he meant when he said that you were more invested than he was. That’s the only way you’re going to know what he really meant.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Men & Communication Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Is He Paying Her Bills If He’s Not Getting Sex?

January 22, 2013 by 31 Comments

Name: Single Mom
Age: Early Thirties
State:
Question: Is it worth sticking around?
I am an attractive, professional, physically fit, single mom in my early thirties. Ultimately, I would like to remarry and have another child (ren). I usually don’t have trouble getting male attention when I go out, but between being a mommy and my career, getting out hasn’t been a priority. Last year I reconnected with an “ex” from many years ago. About him: he is in his late forties and works in the political arena and is well known in our area. He is considered a very eligible bachelor in his circles.  We started sleeping together again within a few months and thereafter spent a great deal of time together.  However, during this whole time he was adamant he didn’t want a relationship. So after 7-8 months of dating/sex, I stopped sleeping with him and cut back communication because I knew I ultimately wanted a committed relationship and felt he was being clear he didn’t want one. Fast forward a few months and we start seeing each other again. This time sex is not part of the equation, BUT we are spending more time together than ever before and doing  things traditionally reserved for couples: we talk/text several times a day (if he cannot reach me he calls repeatedly); we see each other 4-5x per week often staying over several days; he has met my child  and seems to adore her; we have met each other’s family, friends and coworkers; we have gone down to his summer home a few times for extended periods; he has done helpful things around the house; for Christmas he paid off a credit card for me, etc. He has said he loves me although he has made it clear he is not in love. Also, very clear is that he still says he doesn’t want a relationship. After digging a little deeper this time, he told me after how horrible his divorce was   and how another serious relationship ended… he doesn’t want to go there again. He says he cares for me and he knows I am a great catch, but he just can’t do a relationship.  I guess what I don’t understand is how a relationship would be any different than what we are doing now besides slapping a label on it.  It has been about a year and half of on and off dating without a commitment and about a year since I last slept with him. My question is, should I ride this out longer to see what will happen or cut ties completely with him.  With as much time as we spend together, I don’t have time to explore any other options or to even keep my options open.  What makes it hard for me to decide is that unlike other men I have dated he acts like he wants a relationship,  but says otherwise, whereas my experience has been with men saying they wanted commitment, but their actions were completely at odds with that.

 

Let’s see…late forties, divorced eligible bachelor. Side note: Know who else was a successful eligible bachelor? Liberace. Moving on.

I’m stuck on the part where you let this man that you’re not dating/sleeping with pay your credit card. I mean, doesn’t that feel odd to you or ring any bells? Tell me again what he’s getting out of all of this? It’s clear what you’re getting: you get a show pony to trot around town and show off to your family and friends and pay your bills AND you don’t have to have sex with him. It doesn’t sound like the lack of sex really bothers you. The only thing that appears to bug you is that he refuses to agree to be your boyfriend. That’s all quite telling to me. Do you even want a relationship with him or do you just want to be able to say you have a relationship with him?

More intriguing is how you’re making it sound like he’s doing all of these of his own volition. Which, sorry, I’m dubious about. If you’re asking him to help hang a picture or fix something or attend a family party,  he’s doing it because you’re making the request. That’s completely different than if he offered to do all these things. Maybe he just likes being needed. You could be exploring other options. You’re choosing not to. It sounds like maybe you’re creating a certain atmosphere so you can turn around and accuse him of acting like a boyfriend.

I guess what I don’t understand is how a relationship would be any different than what we are doing now besides slapping a label on it. 

Well, no. One other thing that you’d be doing is sleeping together. You’re not. You and this man aren’t dating. At best you’re just good friends and he’s hanging around for the companionship and possible professional benefits. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want a relationship with you, he’s not sleeping with you and thereby building up expectations. A man can not want a relationship but still want sex. He doesn’t even want sex from you. He’s just hanging out with you. You are allowing this because it allows you to appear as though you have a man. There’s no mystery here. He’s just your friend. You’re the one building this up into something it isn’t. He’s likely getting the sex from someone else and the companionship from you. Did you think he’s been going without for the past year? Of course not.  He’s just not getting it from you because he doesn’t want to lead you on and make his life more difficult. I have several male friends who buy me drinks and pay for my meals and attend family functions with me. It doesn’t mean we’re dating. It means we’re friends. Other than paying your credit card bill, which baffles me and does makes me question his motives slightly,  this guy isn’t doing anything that doesn’t fall under the category of friendship.

Find someone else. This guy doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You’re hitching your wagon to the wrong horse insisting that the guy is acting like a boyfriend. No, he’s not. He’s made his position clear and now feels like he can just be himself. His reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship with you don’t matter. He’s being polite. He’s not interested in dating you. He’s giving you phony reasons for why you can’t be together, probably because you keep trying to force a relationship that doesn’t exist.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Commitment, Date Outside Your Means, Dating, Dating & Finances, Marriage, Men & Communication, Monogamy Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Men You Meet Online – How Do You Keep Them Interested?

December 5, 2012 by 36 Comments

Name: Petra
Age: 37
State:
Question: Here’s the typical exchange I’m encountering on dating sites.  A man sends a first message along the lines of:

- How are you?
- How is your week/day going?
- How are you finding the site?

Then I review their profile, answer their question and ask a question based on their profile to keep the conversation going.  I try to make the questions fun and interesting for them to answer.

90% of the time I just get a straight reply with no questions for me included in their message.

Depending on their profile, I either send a reply with a question or stop writing to them.

Occasionally I get an email a few days later saying “I guess your (sic) not interested in me then.  It was nice talking to you.”

I also tried to mirror them by sending equally as bland replies like:

- I’m great thank you.  How are you?
- My week is going really well.  Unusually busy but fun.  How’s yours going?
- I haven’t been on this site very long, but so far so good.  How are you finding the site?

Half of them will reply and add a similar question, but eventually they fade.  The other half just send a reply to my question with no further attempt to keep the conversation going. 

I don’t know whether this is just part of the online dating game, or whether I’m doing something wrong.  Apart from ignoring generic one-liner emails, is there anything I can do to increase my success rate with these guys.

 

Here’s my question to: how long between when they message you and when you respond? As I’ve said countless times, gone are the days where it’s acceptable for their to be a lapse of more than a few hours between when initial contact is made and a response is sent. You have to respond as quickly as possible. No conversation on an online dating site should last more than 2 to 3 days max. And even 3 is pushing it. At any given time someone is entertaining more than one option. Like I’ve said before, it moves really fast now.

What’s likely happening is that these men contacting you are contacting multiple women. Think of these one liner messages like a mass text.  These men are focusing on the woman who replies first and seems easiest to get offline.

The guys who send you the passive aggressive boo-hoo-y messages whining that you’re not interested should be ignored. They just showed their true colors.

The men who send the random one liners asking how I like the site or how my week is going universally get ignored and deleted unless something about their pictures work for me. Then I read the profile. Then I might reply. That happens almost never. These guys don’t have great social skills or are new to the dating scene. I’m not interested in the training wheelers. Let someone else hold their hand. Basic communication and social skills are a must offline and online. People have to learn how to be engaging.

Responses that don’t encourage further discussion usually – but not always – happen because the other person has read your profile more closely and spotted a deal breaker or read something that made them think you won’t be compatible. They reply to be polite. I wouldn’t respond to those messages.  If they’re truly interested, they’ll follow up.

It’s not enough to just ask or answer a question. Now you have to hold their attention and move things along quick enough to not lose them.

Nobody really wants to talk about how their week is going or how they’re enjoying a dating site. People want to be engaged and turned on. If you want to keep someone interested, you have to flirt. That’s why you’re there. When you don’t have the benefit of face to face interaction you have to verbally compensate for that in some way. Such as:

1. Call back something they said in their profile - Find something in their profile that is intriguing and use that as a spring board. Maybe quote something they said and expand on it or tell someone why you agree or disagree. Get them to talk about themselves.

2. Ask specific questions based on their profile – Never ask generalized questions. It’s too easy to offer a vague or cliched response. It’s also really lazy.  Ask someone where a certain photo was taken. If they have pics of themselves with a glass of wine, ask them what kind of wine they like best or offer a wine tasting tip.

3. Compliment their looks - Not in your  initial email, of course. That comes off weird. If someone contacts you, they’re already showing interest. At that point, an innocent but genuine compliment fits well. Keep it above the neck and avoid anything sexual. For example, saying someone has a nice smile is good. Saying someone has a hot mouth is bad. Telling someone they have nice eyes is good. Saying they have bedroom eyes is bad. Avoid referring to body parts.

4. Convey vulnerability, appreciation and coyness - If someone comments on how great your profile is reply and say, “Aww, thank you. That’s really nice to hear.” You have to do a little eyelash batting. I’m telling you right now, all you gals who think you’re sassiness is a turn on. It’s not. The only guys who will respond to that are door mats.

All of this requires that you pay attention when you read profiles. This goes for men and women. Read the profile twice. Once to ensure that you actually think you and that person will have something in common. Another time to really listen to them and learn about them. Try to pick out something they’re passionate about and talk about that. The first time we read a profile we’re too busy looking for red flags to really pay mind to what someone is saying. That’s why a second look is crucial.

I’m going to make kinda of an odd comparison here. Online dating is sort of like invitro fertilization. Multiple eggs are fertilized but only one or two actually take. Just because someone emails you doesn’t mean they’re going to take. Not every connection we make on any online dating site is going to go beyond one or even two emails. In fact, I’d say a high percentage don’t. Your responses are a thick mix of the people who don’t want to make a lot of effort, flakes and socially awkwards. Only a handful of all of the people you will communicate with will actually be viable. So it’s not just you or necessarily anything you’re doing.  You just have to stick with it.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating 2.0, Meeting Men, Men & Communication, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Did Her FWB Intentionally Lead Her On?

September 17, 2012 by 25 Comments

Here’s an article that I thought would make for interesting discussion. Read it before you comment, por favor.

Read it? Okay. Let’s begin.(For the record, I am a big fan of Mandy. I love pretty much everything she writes. I just had an issue with this piece.)

 

I caught up to her. Pretty’s face looked ashen. “He said that he can’t see me anymore,” she said, obviously reeling from the double-whammy of not just the hurt of your dumping (only hours after sex, mind you) but the embarrassment of having just been telling me how different and wonderful you were when I bugged her for all the details. Then she told me what you said on the phone: “There was another girl — and he wants to see her more seriously.”

“And?” I asked.

“And I need to smoke like five cigarettes in a row right now. That’s what,” she said.

Here’s the thing. My friend Pretty knew your relationship was mostly just about sex, dude. But when you told her that you really liked her not to mention all the other sweet things you said, you were — let me see if I can come up with the correct clinical term for it — oh yeah: COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT.

What irked me about the article was that the part about how Pretty appeared to know it was a casual relationship got swept under the rug.

You may be asking yourself, “Come on, Mandy. Why am I a loser? That seems harsh. It was mostly just sex. We both knew that.”

Here’s why.

Because you pretended to really like her. You fed her lines and lines and lines. I heard the lines. There is casual sex — and then there is casual sociopathic predatory mind-twisting manipulative bullshit. Do you see the difference now?

Let’s go back to the part where he says they both knew it was mostly just sex. Now, let me be clear about something. If he did, in fact, “play” her, I’m not defending the guy. If he indeed intentionally allowed her to believe that the relationship had a future when he knew there was a good chance it didn’t, he’s a bad person. However….she is a fully functioning adult. Only she can control how she feels and whether or not she gets invested. He has nothing to do with that.

I’m not down with this idea that women are not just encouraged but embraced for taking such a passive role in their relationships. I also loathe the whole “he’s a narcissist/sociopath/pathological liar” rationalization. More than likely, he’s just an immature guy who didn’t think about the repercussions of his words and actions. To call men like this pathological actually gives them more credit than they deserve. That label implies a level of cunning and intelligence of which I highly doubt they are capable. They’re just..dumb kids. And you know what? They don’t tend to hide the signs of that terribly well. I was Pretty once, not so long ago. I knew the guy had the potential to be emotionally and morally bankrupt. I ignored all the signs and instead chose to be flattered by and become attached to his attention. I believed the flowery words and promises to get together and compliments. Sadly, I was too lonely to see that he was desperately trying to cut me loose and I wouldn’t take the hint. Yeah, it was hurtful and humiliating. But I chose to ignore the warning signs. I was complicit in the humiliation.

There’s still a chance, of course, that this guy in the article meant everything he said and just chose someone else. They weren’t exclusive, so he’s free to date other women. Just because he didn’t choose Pretty doesn’t mean he’s the next Ted Bundy.

Then there’s the fact that the guy called Pretty and told her personally that they wouldn’t be getting together again. Maybe he decided he was over the relationship. Maybe he genuinely chose someone else. Who knows? What we do know is that he did something pretty unheard of when it comes to casual relationships. He called her and told her to her face not just that they wouldn’t be seeing each other again, but why. This, to me, is what makes me think that this was simply a case of a guy deciding that things wouldn’t work out and not about some master plan to “use” a woman.

Pretty knew that this was just about sex. Therefore, regardless of the things that this guy allegedly said, she should have maintained appropriate expectations. I know that many women here and over on that post feel the guy in this story was intentionally being misleading. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. Regardless of his motivations, the intention of the relationship seemed clear – it was casual at best. The words and even the actions mean nothing and are null and void if those are the expressed parameters. (To be fair, we have no idea what the understood boundaries were in Pretty’s situation. ) We have to be responsible for our own feelings and contributions to the outcome.

It’s fine to be hurt and angry and sad…as long as we eventually get to the point where we look back on that situation and say, ‘You know, I could have handled that differently.”

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Break Ups, casual sex, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Sex

How Far Will A Man Go To Avoid Being The Bad Guy?

September 6, 2012 by 16 Comments

Name: jennifer
Age: 29
State: mi
Question: I meet a young man in June, we hit it off really well. A few weeks past of us hanging out constantly and so I finally “gave myself to him”. July passed every thing was great, I got pregnant(oops) and lost the baby at 7 weeks. Pretty much since I lost the baby my boyfriend has become distant, in the last few days hes been just telling me the things I wanna here, has nothing going on except taking care of his sibling and has not called or came over. He says I love you, tells me I have to be strong because of circumstances. My question is is this his way of saying he had his fun its over?

 

I would think so, yes. He’s in a no win situation. You and he got pregnant after dating barely 2 months. He likely never intended for things to get serious. Now he has to to stick it out for a period of time so that he won’t look totally heartless.

There was a letter a couple months ago from a guy who met a girl online, took her out once, had unprotected sex with her and got her pregnant. He did what it sounds like your guy is doing. He stuck around for a couple weeks until she got the abortion, gave it about another week and then broke up with her. He was going to end things anyway, but then she revealed she was pregnant. Now he’s stuck. No matter when he broke things off, he’d still always be the guy who got her pregnant and then dumped her.And when he did end things – a week after her procedure – you can be sure she immediately threw that abortion in his face. That was a last ditch effort to try and guilt him into staying with her. He did everything he could to prevent things from escalating and tried to answer every question she asked. Including the toughest question:

“But whhhyyyyyyy?”

The answer was simple. He said he didn’t see any kind of future with her and that he was going to end things earlier, but he waited due to her pregnancy and because he wanted to do the right thing. When she pulled out the “but you got me pregnant” card a second time, he told her exactly what I instructed him to tell her. He said, “Well, I don’t really know that for a fact, do I? If you slept with me without a condom on the first date, it’s not a far stretch to assume you’ve done it with others. I could have just walked away from you and I didn’t.” And like I predicted, that shut her right up. As usual, women get the truth that they say they crave, and then realize they didn’t really want it.

What men fear most about being honest with women is that they know, regardless of what they say, most women will hear what they want and likely hate them any way. Be honest and the woman will accuse them of leading them on for their own benefit.  Lie and the woman will probably still think they’re being deceptive in some way. That’s why many men avoid these tricky conversations all together. Cowardly? In some cases. But in most, the men know that they still will be branded an asshole. They take the hit regardless. They pray the woman will take the hint and go away quietly. And frankly, she should. Insisting upon an explanation is merely our ego talking. We must be acknowledged. It’s not enough to walk away with dignity. We need that acknowledgement to reassure us that we meant something to that man, even though we’re probably not even getting the truth.

Your guy is trying to detach from you as painlessly as possible. So let him. You knew the answer to the question before you hit Submit on the form.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Birth Control, Book, Break Ups, casual sex, Closure, Dating, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Rejection, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

He Said/ She Said – Porn, Condoms, Cheating & Texting

May 8, 2012 by 25 Comments

Here are three questions from our last He Said/She Said event that should generate some interesting discussion.

Why are men so comfortable not wearing condoms? Why do women have to insist on it?

I would guess that men prefer bareback for the same reason a woman prefers it – it just feels better.  The sensations are all intensified. Obviously, condoms are used to prevent accidental pregnancy and STDs. But if the woman is practicing birth control and the guy knows he doesn’t have any STI’s, then he doesn’t understand why the condom is necessary. That’s why he’s usually lax about it. He’s not as worried about contracting something, so there isn’t much urgency on his part. Where men usually screw up is when it comes to pregnancy. Guys have to learn how that whole area works. Women have to be stringent about their reproductive organs and areas. Between breast exams and Pap smears, we have an acute awareness and understanding of how our parts function and therefore we know when something is off. Which means we have  more pregnancy and STD scares than men. That’s why women are so insistent. We’re paranoid. We’ve also been conditioned to believe that if we don’t use condoms that that means we don’t respect ourselves or that Karma will rear its head and infect us with herpes. If we go without, we’re foolish and reckless and have low self esteem. We’re not educated or responsible. We’re dumb.

Where this becomes a moral or ethical issue is when you make a pledge to use protection or when you’re in a relationship and cheating. If you intentionally betray a promise or have unprotected sex with someone outside of your relationship, you’re either really selfish or really passive aggressive.

From Time to time I have watched porn even when I have been serious with someone. What is the best way to bring this up? I don’t think I am addicted but once in a while I have that urge. Is this an issue?

I don’t know why you have to introduce your porn habit or collection to the women you date. Most women accept that most men watch porn. When this question was asked, one woman was very vocal about how she would break up with any guy that watched porn and that it was disrespectful to the man’s partner. Being the compassionate and sensitive woman I am, I told her she should plan on either having every man she dated lie to her or she should get used to being single. Sometimes people – men and women – watch porn because they don’t have anybody to fantasize about at the moment to help them get from Point A to Point B. Maybe they do have someone but want to switch things up.  Or maybe they just want to have an orgasm and not have to deal with any of the emotional preparation or clean up. Sometimes we just want the orgasm. You can’t take it personally if a woman uses a vibrator or a guy watches porn. There are times we just have a hit of horniness and need a release. Nobody should have to defend or explain that to someone who claims to care for them. If it bothers you, then you’re insecure and you need to deal with that without projecting it on your partner. Note that we’re not talking about porn addiction here. That’s a whole other issue.

Why is it that men only text? Do they not know women want them to take the effort to call when asking for a date.

Yes, they know. Most don’t care, because they don’t allow themselves to be guilt tripped into indulging some random woman’s need to feel special. And that is all it is – a need to feel special. Ladies, stop with the bullshit about how it’s indicative of laziness or cowardice or how it’s easier to talk on the phone. You want to feel special. End of story.

The man I’m dating admitted that he cheated on his previous girlfriend. Should I trust him?

First of all..why is he telling you this? Was this a situation where you found something out and confronted him? Did he offer this information up? If he revealed this on his own with no provocation from you, then that’s a bad sign. That’s self-sabotage or passive aggression. He’s either warning you or trying to make you insecure. If you heard this through friends or connected some dots based on other things he told you and you asked, then I don’t think it’s fair for you to hold his honesty against him. He should have lied, of course. Most men would. But he didn’t. You can’t trap the guy and then dump him for telling you something you already knew. If he lies, and you know he’s lying, you still can’t really blame him. He’s covering his ass. We all do it. That’s why you don’t ask these questions or dig for info. This just in: we’re all assholes at one time or another. Don’t delude yourself into believing you’re going to find that one special asshole-less snowflake. They don’t exist.

I think that, as human beings, we make mistakes. People cheat. It happens. Where it becomes unforgivable to me is if they did it multiple times. Especially with the same person. One time? I can forgive that. But if they did it repeatedly then they obviously were able to push past the guilt or remorse. That’s the true betrayal. (And if they did it without a condom? Well, you know where I’m going with this.) If someone can do that multiple times, that’s not someone who is safe. They may not do it again, but they have the potential to betray in other ways.

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Filed Under: Birth Control, casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating, First Date Sex, Meeting Men, Men & Communication, Potpurri, Red Flags, Sex, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

How Come Women Can Wait To Have Sex But Men Can’t Wait To Commit?

April 12, 2012 by 43 Comments

A friend passed along the follow up article to this article this morning and I thought it would make an interesting discussion.

As I said in my original post inspired by the first article, I think that some women wish to believe that men are threatened or intimidated by women who speak their mind or who are upfront about their sexual tendencies and desires. Conversely, many men like to tell themselves that women are threatened by a man who knows what he wants and goes after it or who doesn’t tolerate nonsense.

Neither is true. What makes us take a step back from people like this isn’t their supposed confidence or assertiveness. It’s the slight twinge in our guts that we fell when we sense or see an inconsistency. We’re not intimidated by the person. We become fearful or hesitant. The situation and dynamic has now become unsafe. Accusing someone of being “intimidated” by something implies that they are insecure somehow.  That’s a nice go-to place for those who like to cling to certain narratives, ones where they have some profound hold or affect on the other person.

Getting back to the original article, I want everyone here to imagine this scenario. You go out with someone, everything clicks and you have this great night. The next day you send them a text and tell them how much fun you had and look forward to doing it again. Their immediate response is this:

“Just to be clear…I’m not looking for a relationship.”

Where does your mind go? I’d bet most people would be hurt or embarrassed or at least confused.

What I want to know is how the situation in this article is any different than the example I gave above.I guess that’s what bothers me about both of these pieces. The author is completely discounting the perception and feelings of the guy. I’m in no way trying to imply that the guy probably didn’t let his douchebag flag fly. But I really want people to consider the two scenarios and tell me how they differ.

If he positioned himself as “boyfriend material” by doing things that “boyfriends” do, then slapped a disclaimer on the relationship, he’d be called deceptive or a time waster. So how is that any different than a woman who presents herself sexually in some way? If she’s talking about sex and discussing her sexual proclivities publicly, isn’t she then presenting herself as someone who wants to have sex? Can we agree on that? Nobody is saying that she’s expected to put out immediately. But then, nobody said that the man is expected to commit immediately. Yet women will quickly slam a guy for selling himself as one thing and then abruptly reminding the woman that he’s actually not what she thinks based on what he’s put out there.

The problem here isn’t the laying down of a specific boundary. The problem is both the manner in which the boundary is set and whether or not that stated boundary is consistent with the person’s actions. That’s a very important point that I think many people, including the author of these pieces, is missing. If some guy takes me on a date and breaks out the “we” word and the “next times” and spends 8 hours with me walking in the moonlight, and then tells me the next day out of the blue that he doesn’t want a relationship, I’m going to think one thing – inconsistent. I’m also going to think that this person isn’t safe because how he just expressed himself was abrupt and abrasive. Who wants to subject themselves to possible emotional harm?

Whether it’s advertising or presenting yourself as relationship material or sexual in some way, why is it okay for women to feel strung along or mislead, but men aren’t?

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Commitment, Dating, Dating The Crazy, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Red Flags, Rejection, Reverse Sexism, Sex Tagged With: , , , ,

Plausible Deniability & Dealing With Conflict

April 2, 2012 by 5 Comments

Recently, someone from my past contacted me to discuss something I had said in passing here. It was said not in a post, but in a comment.  He was understandably annoyed. I told him that just because something could apply to him doesn’t mean it was directed it him and suggested he simply not read if he was going to personalize everything that is said.

Truth? What I said was in a way inspired by him.  To say that my opinion or expressive commentary wasn’t would be disingenuous.

I wasn’t annoyed at being called out. What annoyed me was his explanation as to how he found out about it.

“Oh, I didn’t read it. Someone that I turned on to your column read it and told me about it.”

Now, that’s entirely possible. Anything is possible.

Rather than say he had read it, he felt it necessary (I believe) to manufacture a source. That way he can take a tone of aloof superiority with me and maintain plausible deniability should I (or anybody else) decide to turn the argument around on him and ask why he’s reading in the first place.

All of this got me to thinking about our own ability to concede and offer a genuine apology. To some people it comes with little angst. But to others, there is a staunch refusal to give in. Their position in the dynamic is far too important to them.They need to cling to the moral high ground, absolutely lying to themselves and others about their contribution to the so-called “problem.”

I recently tweeted that, in order to have an honest conversation with someone, each party needs to be able to be honest with themselves. We say this as it’s a given. Of course. But I think what many people fail to understand is that there are a lot of people who are incapable of this. Which makes dating them very, very difficult. If they are unable to admit their errors or their participation in the current conflict, then there is no point in arguing. There is no winning.

Dealing with conflict is never easy and often exhausting. Especially if one or both parties aren’t very good at resolving the issue productively. Much of how we deal with conflict comes from our environment. We learn at a very young age to either fight or retreat.

About a month ago, I was in a situation where a man and I had had a disagreement over something that, in hindsight, was silly. I watched him putter around his kitchen and get food that he had ordered for us and lay it out on the coffee table in his living room. He didn’t look up, he didn’t say a word. He sat down at the coffee table, crossed his legs and put on The Simpsons, his back to me. He had laid a place out for me. I sat at his computer and watched this unfold, also saying nothing.  Refusing to sit at that table. I looked at him, sitting there with his legs crossed, watching a cartoon.

I got a flash of an image. It was of a little boy eating his dinner in front of the TV, away from what was going on behind him, completely detached. Escaping I think is a better word. In that moment, I couldn’t be angry. This was all he knew. This was how he coped with conflict. He shut out the noise and the tension and just drifted off in to his own world.

Maybe I was projecting my own similar experiences as a child. Due to my Mom dying and everybody grieving in their own way, there was tension. Nobody was really talking about their feelings. They were just..reacting.So I would sit in front of the TV and watch The Brady Bunch and shut it all out.My sisters were all much older than me and were in different stages of development. They would fight over clothes and boys and who gets Dad’s car.  (Is it any wonder my Dad would literally work 18 hour days?)

Growing up in a family of 5 daughters – 5 strong, outspoken women – tends to condition somebody to confront. So you grow up thinking that this is how it’s done and that everybody takes the same approach. So when you come up against someone who takes the exact opposite stance, it can be unbelievably frustrating. You can try to be more in tune with their needs. You can accept them for the tools that they have or don’t have. But by a certain point in our lives, it’s almost impossible to “fix” them.

My friend J. and I were talking about this situation yesterday and she said, “A lot of people aren’t concerned with personal development.  And that’s okay.”

She’s right. Some people will never be who you want them to be. They will never develop the skills necessary to resolve conflict in a productive way. Everybody has their own tool box.It’s just that some people’s boxes are more complete than others. The hard part is finding someone who has the same or similar tools as you do.

Resolving conflict in a healthy way and in a way that doesn’t make you want to shoot your face off starts with one thing:

Accountability. What have you done to add to the mounting tension? Refusing to admit what you’ve done strictly so you can maintain some level of superiority isn’t going to help you get what you want. Then you need to be sure you are justified in your reaction and equally guilty of the same behavior or act.

Next,  you need to show empathy. Why is this person feeling what they are feeling? You don’t have to agree with it. You just need to make a genuine effort to understand. The thing people don’t realize is that some people are incapable of this because every thought they have is fueled by their own self-obsession.

Finally, you need to be able to decide if this problem is actually a problem at all or if you’re choosing to make it one.

That’s the place you come from when you react or make a request.

For me, there are rare cases where I will stand my ground in an argument and refuse to yield. Bullying of any kind will never work on me. Neither will blatant lying or manipulation. Trying to assert control over me will not end well. For either of us.

But when I do become that stubborn, that is a warning sign to me that this is not a relationship I wish to save.  If I’m putting my own ego first, then what does that say not only about my feelings for this person but my ability to be in that particular relationship? Why am I there in the first place??

If you continue to push, you need to ask yourself one thing:

1. Why is it so important to you to “win?”

If you don’t have an answer to that, a real one and not just “Because I’m right”, then you need to just stop.

I’ve said this before. There is no winning in these situations. You might get what you want in the short term. But in the long term, needing to win will eventually become a bigger problem for you.

The truth is, you will not always win. Accept that and move on.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating In a Big City, He Said/She Said, Latests Posts, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Uncategorized
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