Comment: I met a guy a few years ago and we immediately liked each other. Circumstances beyond our control separated us but we remained in platonic contact at a distance for months afterwards. At the beginning I think he was genuinely interested in who I was, but then I got the impression he merely wanted to have sex with me. No big deal since it was me who initiated the sex talk between us. After a while all contact stopped. We kept silent for years. Recently he sent me a message out of the blue saying he wants to see me and I gave him an evasive reply because it hurt me a lot having lost the contact before and I did not want to be taken for granted. I also do not want to be perceived merely in the sexual way. He has not replied for several weeks now. Is it possible he only contacted me because he wants to have sex? I do not think it is fair for him to reappear just like that, stir my feelings and then disappear again. I have been thinking of all the possibilities of why this happened. What seems most plausible is: 1. he made a mistake, and 2. prospect of sex only.
I’ll generalize a bit here and say that I don’t think men are known for taking trips down memory lane. At least not where casual acquaintances are concerned. I am always suspicious of people from my past who pop up unexpectedly at random moments. I’ve done that, usually when I’m low on prospects or feeling lonely.
Let’s face it. You’re going to try and see him again and you’ll probably have sex with him. You’re going to make him “work for it” so that you can justify doing what you would have done anyway. Here’s the thing: he knows what you’re doing. If it’s sex he’s after, he’ll play along. You did not event this game. It has been around for centuries. The only thing you are achieving by being vague and non-responsive is gaining a false sense of confidence.
I also do not want to be perceived merely in the sexual way.
Using sex to get a man’s attention is actually what leads to a woman being defined by sex. Again, men know what we’re doing when we break out the dirty talk. They are well aware that many of us are using it to keep them interested. While they might return the attention, they are still suspicious of women who employ this tactic.
I was having a conversation with some friends last week. The topic was the challenge many women who write about sex (or dating) have in regards to being taken seriously. The key, I think, is to present a more well-rounded persona. If the most notable stories a writer has in her arsenal are of the sexual variety, then she will then become identified and defined by sex. However, if she offers pieces on other topics that are equally authentic and provocative, she has a better chance of being seen as a whole person and not just a bunch of hormones with an iPad. To break it down, if you don’t want a guy to want you just for sex, then don’t use sex to keep his interest. If you do, put out. That’s it. What you truly want, OP, is for this guy to return your level of interest. It’s not that you fear that he just wants sex. You fear that you’re playing the fool. So don’t. That is a conscious choice.
At the beginning I think he was genuinely interested in who I was, but then I got the impression he merely wanted to have sex with me.
Typically, if a guy is genuinely interested, it’s the other way around. I can’t tell if you and he ended up sleeping together or not. If you did, and all the effort he made previously stopped, then he always just in it for the sex. He didn’t stir your feelings. You did that. You can’t put that on him. You’re in control of your emotions. Not him.
The fact that this guy never replied to your email should tell you everything you need to know. He was looking for something simple. He didn’t want to deal with your Feels. This magical connection you think you had was likely in your head. This is what presents the most difficult hurdle for women. They project their feelings on to the guy. All of them. They tell themselves that because a man did A, B and C that means he truly cares for her. A lot of men will say whatever it is they think will grease the wheels. I’m not sure why so many women don’t understand that. Something else that women need to burn into their brain is that if a man approaches a woman and talks to her in sexual way and plies her with compliments and then says, ‘Why don’t we meet for coffee/a drink to talk” he’s not just looking to talk. Instead of finding his honesty so refreshing and being blinded by his compliments, a woman should feel objectified and insulted.
I think this man has made his intentions clear, OP.