Name: PJ
Age: 59
State: NY
Question: Its Friday night I’m alone again, I thought once I had a bf that
we would do “couple things” like take in a movie, have dinner,
walk in the park. When we first met he would go upstate to
visit his daughter. I would ask why can’t you stay
Friday night and leave Sat morning. He wouldn’t do that.
Finally he did stop, I think he daughter got a bf of her own.I moved in and we started doing a few “couple things”.
But then his school started, he is working on his PHD
in chemistry and is doing a lot of lab work. He stays
there all night 3 nights a week and claims he sleeps in
the student lounge.At first I was very depressed being left alone so much,
but little by little I began to develop friends and go to meet up
events. I’ve gone to comedy clubs, writing groups,
shows, lectures, and many many movies. Often times I go by
myself, its better than staring at the empty rooms.I still don’t trust that he is just sleeping in the student
lounge. I did find some emails on a dating site
where he met with some woman. When I confronted
him he said that he made a mistake that he felt neglected
by me since I had started my jewelry business. He
claimed that he wouldn’t see her again.A few months later I saw a bunch of sexy pictures he had
taken of her at midnight in her apartment. Red Flag…
He claims he is innocent that he could never be with
another woman that he has hit the “lotto” in dating me.
He is a master manipulator, and a smooth talker.
I do admire that he is bright but that sometimes works
against me. His overactive brain hurls him into doing
harmful actions; such as talk on the phone secretly in the
bathroom with the door closed, turning off the computer
when I walk into the room.Why does he persist in telling me he loves me when he does all
this hurtful behavior. I have to let this not get to me.
To put all my energies into writing again and into my
jewelry business. That gives me a sense of accomplishment
helps me to regain a little of the self confidence I have lostan update I did finally move out, the secretive behavior
finally got to me, but I haven’t gotten him out of my system. I know this sounds like relationship drama but
now he says that he misses me and wants to get married..
we did have great sex, but that may be because we are
both so needy?
A few months later I saw a bunch of sexy pictures he had
taken of her at midnight in her apartment. Red Flag…
No. That’s a Fireable Offense. Not a Red Flag. That is evidence he’s cheating. Hard evidence.
I’m not sure what it is you’re asking in this letter. This feels more like an internal dialogue. You’re almost 60 and I’m guessing this guy is, at the youngest since he’s working on his PhD, close to 40 or in his 40′s. What are you hoping for here?
The guy is clearly cheating on you/using you. And you’re letting him. You have all kinds of proof that he’s dishonest. Yet now it sounds like you’re considering going back to him. My guess is he’s looking for someone to sponge off as he finishes school. So, if you’d like to be that person for him, go ahead.
I really don’t have too much to add to this. If anything, this letter makes me sad and and makes me wonder what the point of offering any advice, ever, really is. Almost 60, alone and clinging to some obvious bottom feeder.
Where did it all go wrong, do you think? Do you think she knows she’s not just settling but in full-on delusion mode? Or do you think this is how she’s rationalized every pseudo-relationship she’s ever had?
I read articles every day that make me scratch my head and wonder how someone can go on date after date, experience disappointment after disappointment, and learn absolutely nothing. They get tripped up on the most simple of things. Well, wait. At first, those things don’t appear simple. I can sympathize for someone who gets all tongue tied because someone asks them when they’re last relationship was or how long it was. But then I learned to realize that people who asks such inane questions are really just revealing their own limitations. I also learned to lie my face off, offer a vague answer that isn’t quite a lie or effectively change the subject.
I developed Dating Survival Skills.
I learned not to care so much.
I learned to say no.
I learned to own my choices.
I learned to accept the path that I was on and that, maybe, I wasn’t supposed to be with anyone at that particular moment, which gives a whole new meaning to the title of this column.
I learned to stop seeking validation.
I learned how to identify when I just wanted attention versus genuine affection.
I learned how to walk away and not need to “win.”
I learned how to own my shit and how I contributed to the outcome.
I learned how to decipher what men really meant when they said certain things and what those things said about them.
I learned how to filter.
I learned to accept that I may very well never settle down with anyone…and that’s okay.
I learned how dangerous loneliness can be if I let it rule me instead of just feeling it and believing that I was just lonely in that moment and that it wouldn’t last.
I guess I just wonder how people manage to get by when they don’t develop ANY of these skills. How do they recover from another frustration? Do they recover? Or do they just spiral down some dirty, dank rabbit hole until the hit the bottom?
Is that who you want to be? Is that what you want for yourself? Do you want to sit on the ground, your head spinning, looking around and wondering how you got there?
Thoughts?
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