Name: Toni
Age: 39
Comment: Should women ask men out?  I was raised very traditional and have actually asked 2 men out in my whole life. There is this guy at work and we went from smiling at one another, to saying hi.  Then I introduced myself, stating that hey we always say hi but haven’t been introduced.  So now it’s been a month since then – he looks up every time I walk by, he makes a point to say hi or to find some reason to talk to me.  Today he came by my office and said wow that’s a big bowl of candy – I said oh please come in and help yourself.  He walked away.

I would love to go out with him and get to know him outside of work. Should I just have patience and wait for him to make a move?  Or should I do something and what and how?  HELP!!
State: Maryland

My personal opinion? If he were interested or even comfortable with dating someone from work, he’d make a move.But I’m someone who doesn’t like the idea of a woman asking a man out. (With the exception of online dating, where I think all bets are off. Somebody has to make the move to taking things offline. It’s never wise to sit back and wait.) I’ve changed my mind on a lot of things over the last 6 years of writing this column. But this is one opinion I just can’t bring myself to adjust. My main reason for thinking that women shouldn’t ask men out is that I felt it disrupted the power dynamic. Well, in the past couple of years, life in general has disrupted the power dynamic in relationship. That’s already been skewed. Now I just fear that women are setting themselves up for disappointment by asserting themselves in this area. If you are going to do it, ladies, really examine the situation from the appropriate angles and know what you need to know to make an informed decision. Are they single? Do they date just to date? How interested are you…really? Because often times we – men and women -  feel compelled to ask someone out simply because they present themselves as a challenge.

My opinion on this subject has nothing to do with thinking that it’s the man’s “job” to ask the woman out or anything like that. I just think that it puts the woman in far too vulnerable of a position. I don’t hear a lot of stories from women saying they had sex with a guy even though they weren’t attracted to him. I do hear stories like that from men. I think a lot of men will accept an offer of a date even though they have moderate to no interest in the woman, simply because they see an opportunity to get laid.I know that sounds so sexist and jaded, and I apologize. I think I give men a lot of credit around here. But what they’ll do or even forgo for sex? Yeah, I’m sticking with the stereotypes just because I don’t see enough men out there going against them.

Of course, men are also vulnerable in their own way, and often take out women who have no intention of ever seeing the man again but who want a free meal. The difference, for me, is that most men seem to know either on the date itself or soon after when their calls are not returned that the woman was never interested in the first place. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to be led on for days/weeks and will believe whatever nonsense it is the man tells them about why they haven’t gotten together again.The woman has no idea she’s being set up as a Break In Case of Emergency Lay.

Most men don’t have a problem being “used” for sex. They get annoyed if they are used for a meal, but they don’t take as big a hit to their self-esteem as a woman who sleeps with a man believing he’s genuinely interested.

Just ask him out. He could be worried that, since you work together, you might reject him just on that basis. Or maybe he’s someone who won’t date someone in the work place. Or maybe he has a girlfriend and he just enjoys some inter-office flirting. I don’t know. I think you’re opening a can of worms by trying to date someone you work with. But then, no risk, no reward.

Just don’t let things move too fast. You’ll have to see that man every day. Remember that.