My question is…where do I find men to date if I refuse to date online?
I am 39. Been Divorced 3 years. Dated online for 2…with disasterous results. I am pretty nice looking and in shape (especially by midwest standards) so I do not have a problem getting men to respond online. BUT- I have met literally nothing but horrible people. So bad, I started keeping a spreadsheet. In 6 months, I went out on many first dates. 9 of the guys were not actually divorced (though they said they were), 4 guys were still really married with active wives, 5 lied about their ages by between 8-10 years, 2 had DUIs and couldn’t drive, one guy called his ex the C word within 10 minutes of our meeting, one guy was an ex-felon twice over, most of them tried to start talking sex before we even met (citing “need chemistry, dated a lot of dead fish, must know we have similar sexual tastes before we bother meeting”)and one very, very sweet man who gave me a few fantastic dates but was unfortunately affixed with a micro penis….seriously, like nothing I had ever seen.
So, I quit online dating in February. I go out with my girlfriends all the time. We do lots of events where there are lot of men. Beer tastings, parties, charities, etc. I meet men all the time. Chat with them all night. Give them my number. Exchange texts…they can’t wait to see me again. And then? I never hear from them. Just…..don’t. I don’t know why they asked for my number in the first place. I don’t know why they texted me and then stopped. I am literally fun and pressure free.
So…what do I do? Any advice?
I’m thinking there are three things at work:
First, you have you horrific taste in men. Nobody has that many bad experiences by chance. Nobody. Your radar is either on the fritz or you pay attention to the wrong things, my friend.
Second, you sound a tad insufferable. That might explain why so many of these men bail on you after initial conversations or one date. How long did it take you to think up the phrase “unfortunately affixed with a micro-penis.” That sentence was written with the intention of eliciting laughs and high fives from the girls. You don’t get to decide if you’re fun and pressure free. That’s for others to determine. People who self-identify as such typically are the opposite.
Third, you enjoy the drama. You created a spreadsheet? You don’t say! You must be so organized and efficient! Drafting a flow chart of all your bad dates is no different than blogging about them. You get something from these bad dates. Maybe it’s attention or sympathy. Maybe it’s a laugh from friends who think your stories are so delightfully entertaining. Or maybe you just love sticking it to guys because it gives you some sense of control over the whole process. Personally, I think it’s all of the above. You enjoy dwelling on all of these horror stories. You’d rather have the bad dates than actually have a guy stick around. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re too good for most men or that the guys you meet aren’t on your level or whatever it is that delusional people tell themselves to explain why they can’t get a date. You’re no different than the men who roll in here on a regular basis to talk about all the serial daters and attention seekers who never answer their emails. The bottom line is that you’re both choosing poorly. You believe that there is nobody out there who will appreciate you. Hence why you never meet anyone with potential. It’s a bad combination of confirmation bias and self-victimization that causes your lack of success.
When I hear someone talk about how bad online dating is and listen to them drone on and on about all the losers they’ve met, I think one thing: They couldn’t make online dating work to their advantage. They shot way out of their league and came up empty handed time and again.What these folks are actually trying to do is sway others away from using online dating so they can feel like less of a failure. I know. I’ve done it. Equally annoying are the people who don’t even date online that have to preface their opinions about online dating with, “I’ve never done online dating but…” Translation: Ugh. You poor losers. I don’t have to stoop to trolling dating sites. This just in: meeting someone offline doesn’t make you more attractive or desirable. It means nothing.
Online dating success requires 3 things:
1. Know your audience aka stop shooting out of your league. Sorry, but there are just some people you will never, ever date.
2. Accept that some people suck.
3. Understand that a profile will not help you determine long-term compatibility. That’s what the dates are for.
Online dating works. It does. It is probably one the easiest ways to meet people and get dates. Do I think it’s a great way to find last love? No. But then I don’t think meeting through friends is a sure fire way to find commitment either. It’s all about what you do with the opportunities that are presented to you. If you think it sucks, it will suck. It’s that simple. Lower your expectations and you’ll rarely be disappointed. I can honestly count on one hand how many “bad” dates I’ve had in the last few years. And by bad I mean “didn’t turn into anything memorable.” I have yet to meet a felon or secretly married man. What’s my secret? I don’t go out with everybody who asks. I’m perfectly okay not going out on date night or not having something to yap about on Facebook and Twitter.
OP, if you’re utilizing all the available options to meet men and you can’t seem to get one guy to stick around or are unable to meet someone of quality, the problem is with you. You want me to tell you that men are intimidated by you or weak or a mess. Nope. Not doing it.