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Why Ask Why? If They’re Not Interested, They’re Not Interested

May 13, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 14 Comments

Name: Marcie
State: NY
Question:  Why do some men look at a woman’s profile multiple times but not contact them? I’ve noticed that several of the men I contact on Match and Okcupid will view my profile a couple of times but not message me back. Why do they do that?
Age: 37

 

 

Well, there are probably a number of reasons for that. Such as:

 

1. When they initially get your message they are in a rush so they take  a quick  look and then return to the profile later when they have more time.

2. They accidentally click on your thumbnail photo in their inbox, which then takes them to your profile.

3. They’re really picky and on the fence about whether or not to reply.

4. They’re intimidated somehow or feel unsure if whether you and they are a match.

The actual reason doesn’t matter. The question isn’t why aren’t they interested. They question is why do you care?

The unfortunate truth is that not everybody on those sites is there to meet people. The trick is learning how to spot them so you don’t get burnt out. Most people tell you exactly who they are and what they want, even without realizing it. You have to learn how to listen.

I can remember noticing one guy frequently appearing on my Visitors list. He would view my profile every few weeks for a couple months. His profile made him seem affable and funny and seeking a relationship.  I finally emailed him and tried to start a conversation. By the second email he was asking me to meet that night. I said no and wished him luck. My profile is pretty “relationship only” in its tone. I think that was why he never contacted me. I wasn’t looking for what he was looking for so he didn’t waste his time. He knew his audience.

The more curious ones are the people you don’t contact or view who peek at your profile over and over again but never email you. I get a bit squeamish wondering just what they’re doing. Maybe they’re working up the nerve to reach out. Maybe they’re masturbating. Who knows? What you know is that these people are not contacting you for some reason. Therefore they shouldn’t take up any of your mental disk space.

Which brings me to my next point. Let’s talk about this need many of us have to focus on the people who don’t want us or refuse to let go of someone who showed moderate interest.

I got an email a few weeks ago from a woman who attended one of our speeddating events. She didn’t get any matches. She followed up with us and asked us to check and see if her matches were correct. If they were, she wanted to know if any of the men mentioned why they didn’t choose her. I said we had no feedback from the men and had no concrete explanations. She asked me for my opinion. Having never met her, I didn’t know the reason. Though I did have a possible answer. I looked her up in our event database to try and get more info. My suspicions were correct. She was in the higher end of the age range for that event. Literally the maximum age that could attend. I knew that was a big reason why she didn’t get any replies. But I didn’t tell her that. I comped her into another event I felt was more appropriate for her age range. If she had a better understanding of her audience, she wouldn’t have attended that event in the first place. Now she’s propelling down the shame spiral unnecessarily. If she goes to the next older age range she’ll probably be the Belle of The Ball. Isn’t that better than wasting a sunny afternoon thinking that nobody wants you?

I sometimes get emails from people who say that someone they met at a speeddating event never replied to their message or stopped replying mid-conversation. I’m often asked to follow up with these people to make sure they knew that someone had tried to contact them. These people want to know why the person ceased replying.

Obviously, I have no first hand knowledge of any of these people. I can’t give a definitive answer as to why they don’t reply. All I know is that they didn’t. That’s enough. Why were you that one person the Often Replier didn’t respond to?  Who says you actually are? You have no idea how or why that title was even assigned to their profile. Maybe it’s a wonky algorithem. Maybe they only get 2 emails a week and happen to have replied to all of those people and they’ve only been on the site a month. Why knows?

Why did that person from the speeddating event not follow up with you? Because they probably heard from their first choice. And you can be sure there was a first choice. Or maybe they use outdated email platforms that block and filter everything. (No, seriously. Ditch that AOL, Hotmail, Juno and Yahoo address and get on Gmail, stat. I’m telling you that you’re not getting most of your messages.) It could be that someone contacted them first and they didn’t want to juggle. The reasons don’t matter. All you need to know is that they aren’t interested. If they were, they’d go out with you.

To date successfully, you have to learn to shrug off the people who don’t return the interest. These kind of Faders and Peekers are now typical and common behavior. You can’t get all caught up in trying to solve some non-mystery. You end up wasting valuable energy and time.

 

 

 

Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Dating, OKCupid, Online Dating, Red Flags, Rejection, Servicey! Tagged With: , , ,

The Online Dating Version of Last Call

April 25, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 31 Comments

Name: Stephanie

Question: Hi,

I’ve been online dating for about 9 months. The first few months I received a decent amount of attention and responses. Some time after the six month mark it all stopped. I update my profile regularly and have added a couple of new photos. I used to get 1 or 2 responses for every dozen or so messages I send out. Now I don’t get any responses at all. What could be causing this?

Age: 38
State: NYC

 

Well, I can’t tell you for sure without looking at your profile. You can send me a message using the Submit a Dating Question link and I can take  a look at your ad. It might not have anything to with your profile. It could just be that you’ve been on that site for too long and have a bit of a funk on you. Meaning you’ve just been on that one site for too long and need a break. You’re not getting in front of enough new people and the current members have seen your profile so many times that they’re wondering why you’re still there.

There seems to be two distinct stages of online dating. The first 3 months or so where everybody is new to you and you’re new to them. And then the second stage where you become considered a “regular.”

I think people sometimes get resentful that it takes someone so long to finally reach out to them. They wonder if maybe the person is feeling desperate to some degree. I know that there are some men that I’ve emailed whose profile I viewed a couple months before and had sort of a “might as well” mentality when I contacted them. You do go through stages where you feel a bit worn down by the whole process. You just want a response or a date. Anything to prove to you that you still have the ability to catch someone’s eye.

I think when you get to the point where you’re just seeing the same profiles over and over, it’s time to take  a break from that site and focus on another one. Another approach is to disable your profiles for a few weeks. That way, when you return, there’s a whole new influx of members that you can contact without looking like you’re hanging around for last call.(TM one of my brilliant Twitter followers.)

We’ve all been contacted by those people, too. We know when we’re getting a message from someone who has been around that site for a long time and contacting anybody they think will respond. You can almost smell the flop sweat on their profile. They just try too hard to be witty and smooth.

I know most people hate the cut and paste jobs, but I prefer the simple “Hi, liked your profile” messages over the guys who try to crack jokes or feign interest in something I said in my profile. Overall, I prefer the people who take a less is more approach to online dating. The ones who post a dozen photos and go on about their musical tastes or try way too hard to sound intellectual or humorous actually turn me off.

The one thing I don’t like about OKCupid is that, because of the layout of the site, you’re frequently seeing the same people over and over again. Moreso than if you were doing a regular search. There are the people who pop up in that Activity column on your home page  and they’re almost always the same people over and over. The search function doesn’t let you pare down your search by distances of 5 to 10 miles so you’re forced to weed through people too far away. Since those same people are constantly changing their profiles, that means they are also hogging up spaces when you do a search for new profiles just added to the site. You end up seeing the same people over and over again.

The goal is to always be perceived as “new” I think. So, Stephanie, my suggestion is to take your profile down for a couple weeks, maybe get a few new photos taken, then return.

Filed Under: Dating, OKCupid, Online Dating, Rejection Tagged With: , , , ,

Why “Spread Sheet Guy” Really Bothers Women

April 24, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 70 Comments

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard of the latest viral story about online dating gone horribly, horribly wrong.

I think think that the grand majority of men—even if they are using online dating to find a serious relationship rather than just hook-up—think of online dating as a numbers game. They communicate with lots of women, hoping a few will pan out. They metaphorically throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks…..

The last thing most women ever want to feel? Like they have taken a number at the deli counter.

So what you’re saying is, you want to feel special? Gotcha.

And that, kids, is why some women find “spreadsheet guy” so douchey. Not because he’s an actual tool. No. Because he literally put it down in black and white that these women were merely numbers. Options. The other worrisome part of his little project was that, judging by the attractiveness of all of his dates, women were made aware of the fact that even average looking guys had a ton of opportunities. (No offense, SSG.) My guess is the woman who distributed the Excel Spreadsheet did so not because she actually thought it was funny or amusing but because she was pissed that the other women on that chart were just as hot if not hotter than she was. Intra-gender competition strikes again.

What women learned from this guy’s highly organized Little Black Book was that “hot” wasn’t as much of a bargaining chip as they thought.  They were clunked on the head with the fact that now women actually have to be interesting, accommodating and enjoyable. We always wanted to be judged by the contents of our character, right ladies?? Well, now we are. Mazels!!!

I have a male friend who seems to be caught in this cycle…The problem is that, because he gets such a tremendous stream of interest, he gets distracted wondering if someone a little bit better is just around the corner. He can’t focus to Girl A because he’s too distracted by potential Girl B, Girl C, and Girl D. In my opinion, it’s led him to sabotage some pretty promising relationships by canceling on Girl A to make room for Girl F.

It’s frightening to watch the male species in their natural habitat, I know. Know what though? I bet her guy friend doesn’t fear he’s sabotaging anything. He’s having a hell of a time! When and if he feels like choosing one woman and settling down, he can and will.  I doubt the author of this piece is as concerned for her guy friend as she says. Me thinks what really has her bugged is that she’s witnessing how most if not all of the men she goes out behaves. She’s wondering if the time that guy she really liked canceled last minute was actually sick or if he had just met someone else. Now she’s questioning her own value in the marketplace.

This is a dangerous cycle, in my opinion. Because if you feel like women are in never-ending supply, I think it’s very hard to let yourself go and allow yourself to start to develop real, true, deep feelings for one person.

Agreed! But wait. Why is the author only addressing men with this sage bit of advice? If there is one huge take away from Tales of The Spread Sheet Guy it should be that even okay looking guys with average to decent jobs have a multitude of options. Therefore, females need to learn how to recognize a keeper when they see it while at the same time acknowledging that the days of being wooed with expensive dinners and cocktails are long gone. Now guys are courting multiple women and shelling out maybe $100 a night for the two of you.You might get one night a week with them. Two if schedule permits. But that’s it. A man will continue on down this road until he’s ready to settle down. That’s what makes the difference. He could meet the right woman at the wrong time and never commit. That’s what frightens these women.

Here’s how I approached online dating: I might be conversing online with two guys at the same time. But the minute I met one of them and felt that little spark, I’d halt things with the other.

I tend to agree with her with this approach. I’m not much of a juggler. But then, I also avoided asking any questions that might educate me on what my guy is doing when he’s not with me. And vicey versey. Guys who make a point to let you know they had another date recently are telling you, upfront, they don’t care what you think or how you feel. That’s a brutal reality for many of us, because we want to believe that our bond and connection is special. We want to walk in the door from our date, hop online or on the phone , and tell the world we just had an a-mah-zing date. We want to believe that that guy liked us so much he spent a lot of money or time on little ol’ us.

Here is why the spread-sheeting rubs me and so many others the wrong way: Love is not about comparison shopping.

Except when it is, amirite? I’ll fix this statement. Love is not about comparison shopping. But dating is. There. That’s better. Let’s not get all high horsey here. Men and women both approach dating and online dating with a shopper’s mentality. What makes many women want to lock things down sooner, I believe, is our need to compete and beat other women.

Unfortunately, dating no longer provides women with that sense of safety. Sure, there might be a steady stream of options well up until we’re 45. But that doesn’t mean any of them actually want to commit. I agree with the author that man men get distracted and maybe even deluded by the fact that their options appear never ending. But she and any other woman would be lying if they said that the fact that he had so many options is why they wanted him in the first place. So, in a sense, we contribute to that shopper’s mentality that many men have.

Thoughts?

 

Filed Under: Awkward, Book, Dating, OKCupid, Online Dating, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today

The Serenity Prayer for Online Daters

April 9, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 47 Comments

Name: Rosie
Age: 36
Website:
Question: Hi Moxie

In the past week, I’ve had a few dates where the person has revealed a huge dealbreaker, such as dishonesty, drug use, or a major health or lifestlye issue they are not willing to address.

Date 1:

Advertised himself as 45 years old, with pictures of a himself in his mid to late 40′s.  In real life, he looked 65 and had children close to my age, very old fashioned mannerisms, and talked mostly about his health problems.  He went to the bathroom five times (enlarged prostate).  When he hugged me goodbye, rubbed my back and told me I was his “beautiful soulmate” I physically cringed.

Date 2:

Revealed during the date that he smoked cigarettes and the “other stuff” even though his profile stated he was a non-smoker.  His smoking has gotten him hospitalized several times because he has chronic and severe asthma.  I have mild asthma and was recovering from a chest infection and asked him not to smoke in front of me.  He agreed, but 30 minutes later lit up… twice.

Date 3:

At 48 years of age, is planning to release his first record despite having no experience in music, being unable to play an instrument, sing, write music or lyrics.  He plans on singing the tunes over the telephone to music company in another country, who will produce a digital master.  He will hire professionals to do the artwork, and have ten thousand CDs printed.  His janitor job does not provide enough money to finance this venture, and his credit is not good enough to borrow from the bank, so he is going to borrow money from a local lender.

Others:

A number of men I’m communicating with online make plans to call at a certain time, then don’t call.  Then they say they will call the next day, but don’t call.  Or they arrange a date then cancel 24 hours or less before the date, or “disappear” while arranging a time and date.  And worst is the man who asks for a date on a certain day, then says he will call or text on the day of the date to finalize arrangements but cancels hours or minutes before the date.

All of the above real scenarios are dealbreakers for me.  How can I vet the men I agree to date more carefully?   I’d love to hear your thoughts and get your readers’ input.

 

Hmm…this really is a parade of losers. I’m not sure there is any way to eradicate any chance you’ll ever meet a guy like this again, though. But I’ll take a stab at tips to help you prevent meeting too many of such kinds of people.

Give Me The Serenity to Accept The Things I Can Not Change

Yes, I just quoted The Serenity Prayer. The first thing you need to do is understand that having the occasional bad date or meeting someone who looks nothing like their photos or who isn’t completely honest is a staple part of online dating. Appropriate your expectations. Some people are deluded or don’t have an accurate perception of how they look. You need to accept that.

Give Me The Courage To Change The Things I Can

This starts with paying closer attention to the details that the person provides. Here are my basic rules of thumb:

1. I wouldn’t meet any man that didn’t have at least 3 photos on his profile. The photos all had to be clear shots of his full face and at least one full body shot. The pictures also could not be grainy or look outdated/hazy in any way. Only one photo? No dice. They also all need to be from different points. Not the same session. No distance shots, no profile shots, no shots with sunglasses or hats. Basically, no hiding.

2. No shabby dressers/photos of them in slovenly looking/dark apartments - Sounds like a no brainer but you’d be surprised. People pose in poor lighting for a reason.

3. Pay attention to their skin tone/hair/weight – You can tell the difference between someone healthy and unhealthy. A pasty/yellow tinged skin tone is an absolute no no for me. As is any admission to frequent drinking or drug use beyond pot. And even that I try to avoid if I can.

4. No references to having made mistakes “like everybody else” or not being perfect - Jesus, just post your criminal record if you’re going to say that.

5. No oversharers - These men you’ve dated all show signs of classic oversharing and lacking in self-awareness. I will guarantee you they showed glimpses of this in their profiles.

6. No pipe dreamers – Sorry, but if some guy is in his late thirties to forties and he’s still plugging away at being a musician, artist or actor, I bail. That is, unless he states out right that he makes a living at said profession. I don’t care how pissy some of you get – dating someone who is still struggling to establish himself at a career at that age is self-involved and irresponsible. They won’t be able to make a relationship any form of a priority. Plus they’re usually unstable in some way.

7. No creepy/off vibes - How any of these men didn’t trip off some trigger within you is beyond me. There’s no way these buffoons are able to present themselves well in their profiles. No way.  Avoid guys that make you go, “Meh.”

Give Me The Wisdom to Know The Difference

Here’s where you come in. We all have had the occasional bad date. But that seems to be the norm for you. Your radar is way, way off. You need to learn how to pick up on signs of ambivalence and moderate interest.

1. Get rid of the phone step – There. That was easy. I will bet many of these men are ditching you strictly because you are requesting a phone call.

2. Don’t accept vague plans - If a guy says he’ll follow up with you to “finalize” plans, he’s moderately interested at best or exploring other options. Try to get him to confirm plans in the very conversation where you agree to meet. If he’s not willing to do that, detach. If he says he’ll follow up tell him that’s fine and cut bait.

3. Be proactive - You’re leaving way too much up to the man. You need to take a bit more control here. Get a list of places together that are no more than 20-30 minutes away from you so you can offer up locations/meeting spots. Be prepared. Know your schedule. Suggest a specific night and time and location. The next day, don’t wait for them to follow up. You do it. Some of these situations could simply be a lack of communication or similar disconnect.

4. Don’t engage anybody that takes too long to respond without offering a viable excuse. Once that dialogue begins, it shouldn’t be staggered over a few days. If they’re not replying in a timely fashion, or they drop out of a conversation, they’re simply not interested enough. Move on.

2-4 emails over 48 hours, make the date, meet. That’s it. Anything else is a waste of time.

Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, First Impressions, Latests Posts, Men To Avoid, OKCupid, Online Dating, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , ,

Please Have a Job…And Other Things That Don’t Belong In Your Profile

April 4, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 24 Comments

Here’s a list of statements, disclaimers and requests that will likely make someone click the back browser when viewing your profile.

1. I Have a Job, Please Have One Too - Hmm. Somebody has been burnt by a few gold diggers. Either that or they are terribly impressed with their 150K a year job. What makes this obnoxious is that, if the woman was hot enough, she could be living with her parents and unemployed and he’d still meet her. Statements like this only matter if you actually stick to them.

2. I Like My Ladies Petite/I Like Taller Guys - Let me offer an example as to why comments like this will send someone running. Let’s imagine a woman said in her profile that she likes her men well endowed. Now, she might mean she likes a guy whose penis is bigger than 5 inches. Or she might mean she likes a penis 8+ inches.  If I’m you’re average guy, and I’m average length, I’m going to fear I’m not big enough. See my point? Statements like this are usually very subjective and actually make people insecure.

3. Apparently A Lot of People Around Here Lie About.… – Know what I hear in this sentence? I hear, “I’ve talked to a ton of people and that’s what they’ve told me.” I assume that you have had many dates. I. Don’t. Want. To. Know. It. Taking some sort of superior position by pointing out the flaws in others just makes you look insecure.

4. Please Don’t Email Me If… - Listen, Bossy Pants. All you’re doing by telling people what to do or not do is increasing the chances that they’ll do it. You’re waving a red flag. You’re showing your annoyance and frustration, too.

5. I’m Picky - And you’re also alone. Do the math. That “replies often/selectively/very selectively” thing on Ok Cupid actually works against people more than for them. If you’re one of those “replies very selectively” people, you’re all but scaring people off. People should ignore that little bit of info, as we all know that the number of emails we get from people that don’t interest us is far more than those who do. And vicey versey. “Replies often”, to me, screams “I’ll go out with ANYBODY!!” or “I’ll meet anybody if it could get me laid.”

6. I Visit/Am Temporarily Living/Am Here For Two Months – Yeah. Sorry. You’re looking to get laid.

7. LOL/SMH/FML - My friend B. and I had an enjoyable conversation last night about these anagrams. LOL makes you sound 14. SMH (Shake My Head)  makes you sound condescending. FML (F*ck My Life) makes you sound suicidal or depressed.

8. Winks Are For Girls/Please Don’t Wink/I Don’t Reply to Winks - Jeebus Christmas. They’re contacting you. Take what you can get. Online dating is a tiresome and time consuming process. Don’t be so difficult.

9. I’m Crazy/Sarcastic/Intense/Sassy..But In a Good Way! – No such thing.

10. I Act/Look Younger Than I Am - Right there I know one thing – This person goes for people much younger than they are. And they shouldn’t. They’re the types that get offended if someone older than them or their age contact them.

11. I’m Financially Stable – Leave your financial situation and status out of your profile. Statements like this INVITE people looking for a free meal.

12. I’m Looking For Someone Kind, Loyal & Honest - As opposed to mean, shady & dishonest? These are givens and therefore don’t need to be included in your profile.

13. If I Don’t Reply To You It’s Not Because I’m Rude, It’s Because… – Oh. I get it. You just get soooooo many emails that it’s hard too keep up, eh? You might not be rude, but you end up looking self-important.

14. Quotes of Any Kind - We don’t want to read what some dead guy said 100 years ago. We want to read what you say, now, in present. It also makes the person look like they’re trying too hard.

15. I Don’t Like/Am Not Comfortable Talking About Myself – I get that people are trying to seem self-deprecating with this, but comments like this have become as cliche as “I’m looking for a partner in crime.” We all have to do it. So buck up and slap together 200-300 words.

16. I’m Just Looking To Meet Some Cool People - Translation: not looking for anything serious. This person does not want to be locked in to anything and isn’t really looking to date as much as he looking to meet people he can hang out with from time to time.

17. Over Use of Gerunds - “Working, playing, living life on my terms.” Just write a normal sentence like a normal person. We get it. You’re different. You’re eccentric.

 

Filed Under: Dating, Dating Skills, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Has Dating Become Harder?

April 2, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 55 Comments

On his way home from a date the other night, my friend M. was telling me that that was the first time in his history of online dating that he literally want to down his drink, pay the bill and skeedaddle.

“I can honestly say that I have never had a ‘bad’ date from online” he said.

If you have  a pulse and an internet connection, you have seen your bad date horror stories.  The tales I read usually make me wonder how someone could end up in such an uncomfortable situation.

Now, I’ve had the date where the guy slides the check across and pretty much motions me to cough up my half. I’ve also been in a position where the lack of chemistry was apparent the moment we sat down and ordered. I’ve had my one drink and left. I don’t consider either of those “bad dates.” That’s dating.

I have never had a guy expect me to pay the bill, groped me, gotten fall down drunk or otherwise insulted me. When I hear stories like that I always wonder if the date was just incredibly skilled at covering up what a raging tool bag they were, or if maybe the person telling the story just has incredibly poor radar or has some kind of issue and chooses to see things negatively so as not to go out with that person again.

I think a lot of the reason why people seem to have “bad” as in really , really uncomfortable dates is because they go out with anybody who shows interest. There is playing the odds and getting out there and gaining experience. But then there’s going out just to go out because you think you should because oh my God what if you pass him/her up and they’re The One. Cautiously optimistic is good. Desperation is bad.

What I’ve noticed, based solely on my personal experience, was that the fewer of those dates I went on, the more often I connected with men that stuck around for longer than  a couple weeks or a month. There might not be any connection and it could all be a roll of the dice and timing. But I did notice that I didn’t get as burnt out as often, taking myself out the game and leaving me stuck in my head.

I believe in casting a wider net when we date. I believe in increasing your options. I believe in being picky as long as it works for you and not against you. I also believe in saying No. If only because it helps you preserve some energy for the road ahead. And from what I’m hearing, we’re in the midst of a pretty bumpy ride.

I said in a post over the weekend that I truly think that people dating online – or any way for that matter – are starting to become more selective, if that’s even possible. My friend B. and I were talking yesterday and he remarked that he felt like dating had become immeasurably more difficult in the past year. I told him that I just had a client say the exact same thing to me during a profile session. She said that she noticed a change in her results and experiences over the past 6 – 12 months. She wasn’t getting as many responses any more, and she wasn’t getting as many second or third dates. She changes her photos and uses a couple of sites and changes her ad. But for some reason she wasn’t having the success she used to have just a year ago. (She’s 43.)  When I do my sessions, literally every single client says that they don’t get the amount of attention or responses that they’d like, and that most of their dates end up being one offs. I’m not sure these examples are all connected or not. But judging by their feedback and the feedback here and the severe uptick in complaints from men, I am wondering what sort have paradigm shift may have occurred.

Obviously money plays a role, at least for the men. Dating is expensive and many people just can’t afford to be shelling out $60+ dollars a couple times a week. The sidelining and back burnering seems to be more frequent as well. Everybody seems to be trying to optimize their experience and playing their odds. Of course it was always like that. But by the stories I’m hearing it seems more extreme.

In my business, we have certain times a year, based on history, we’re we always generate less revenue. It occurs in those in between weeks from one season to the next. People are mourning the loss of  weather or vacation time or holidays. I wonder if there’s something similarly historical that could be identified in the online dating timeline. Is this a broad experience? Or is this unique to certain segments of people? Or just individuals?

Has anybody else noticed a difference in the past year?

 

Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Dating, OKCupid, Online Dating

How To Win at OK Cupid Dating

March 31, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 19 Comments

So you’re using OKC to troll look for dates. Or “dates.” Here’s what you need to do to beat the fatigue and get ffline.

Update Your Profile Regularly - The problem with OK Cupid (or any other dating site) is that, in order to stay at the top of the searches, you need to update your profile CONSTANTLY. As in literally a few times a day. If you don’t do that your profile gets pushed down in the search ranking very quickly. It’s incredibly annoying and kind of a hassle.   If you ever pay attention to the activity section on your OKC home page, you’ll always see pretty much the same people in that box. That’s because those people are constantly updating their profile or answering a new question. That’s a big reason why people answer so many questions – because that shows up in that activity box on the home page and gets people more views.

Clear Out Your Questions – As I’ve said, those questions can be addictive. It’s easy to get carried away and forget that people can see your answers. The upside, of course, is that people’s answers reveal quite a bit about them. The downside is, people’s answers reveal quite a bit about them. Once you hit 100+ questions, delete them and start over. This time answering different ones. Why? Because after a month or so on OK Cupid, you’re old news. Your profile has been viewed by the same people over and over again. Answering different questions will change your search results and get you in front of a new audience. Also? Avoid the Journals. OkCupid discontinued them awhile back for a reason.

Change Your Username/Photos Regularly – Yep, I said it. Fork over that $9.95 and Upgrade to the A-List subscription. Every three months or so, change your username. Switch in a new primary photo, too. Bam! You’re a new user! Let’s face it. We’re all a little wary of someone we’ve seen on that site month after month. Which means people are also a little skeptical of us. If you’re on a  site that doesn’t allow you to make such changes, scrap it and create a new one.  Work? Yes. This just In: Nobody said life would be easy. If you’re creative or artsy, then post photos that reflect that in order to attract other creative people. Same goes for athletic or active. Those photos need to be updated every 3-6 months. Youw ant to appear shiny and new as often as you can.

Get Rid of Those Artsy-Fartsy Photos/Profile Shots – As I said in a Tweet yesterday, if I have to squint or turn my screen in any way to get a look at you, you’re already too much work. This Just In: People’s patience and tolerance are at an all time low.  No longer are people taking too many chances. They’re going out with people they are excited about. Not “meh” about. That’s why they’re tightening up their search criteria. So get up to speed. For those of y’all who feel posting a photo will be a professional liability, get over yourselves. Dating online is not  a professional liability. Being a self-important d-bag is. If it is a problem, then don’t post a photo and upgrade to the paid membership where you can send pics. Either way, though, you’re still putting your anonymity at risk.

Check Your Basic Settings - Many people often don’t realize that their default settings state that they are looking for “new friends.” Or that they’re desired age range says 18-99. Or, and this is a big one, that you’re actually listed as a year older. Yeah, fancy that. I don’t know what is causing that but many people will enter in their actual birth date and the system calculates their age as one year older. Also keep in mind is that we’re all a  pack of Judgey McJudgersons. So if we see that you’re 35/40 and you’ll date women 21-50 (or 18-whatever) you’ll be deemed a creep. Same goes for the 40+ woman looking to meet men in their twenties. You’re going to be branded something negative. If you want to pull a 25 year old, then email them. But adjust your public age setting to make you look less…delusional.

Search in Age Range Increments of 3 Years - Instead of doing a search for people ages 30-40, do 3 or 4 separate searches with windows of about 3 years each. You’ll get to see more  profiles because you won’t get burnt out from seeing all the same ones over and over. I don’t know how it is for you, but for me I’m no longer able to view profiles by individual page. I just have to keep scrolling. Which, btw, I hate. Just FYI, OKC tech people. One false move and you lose your place. Keep the searches smaller.

Lie About Your Age - I know. Omigod! A lie! At this point, lying about your age is common place. Just add a disclaimer in the beginning of your profile that states your real age. The goal isn’t to deceive. It’s to be included in more searches. Just don’t go crazy, all you “I’m 40 but look 30″ folks.You’ll give people The Sads.

Avoid Certain Body Type Descriptors – I’m lookin’ at you all you “curvy” ladies and ‘jacked” guys. The common search criteria for body types are – Thin, Slender, Petite, Fit, Athletic, Average. If you’re overweight, then select “average’ and be sure to post a full body shot. Remember , the goal is to get in front of as many eyeballs as possible and not deceive anybody or waste their time.I’ll also say this. Nothing says “I’ll date anybody!” than a noticeably overweight woman who chooses “curvy” as a body type. You make yourself chum for every shark on that site.

Don’t Skip Any of The Important Criteria Questions - You know how, for some of the answers, you’ll see a ” – ” instead of an actual selection? Yeah. Number one? You’re not fooling anybody. I did a profile review for a guy who was 5’6″. He chose to skip that question. I told him that that was an obvious sign that he was below “typical” height for a guy. I also pointed out that it kept him out of searches since most if not all women will select a specific height range. Fill those spaces in. If you don’t want to list an income state “Prefer not to say.” (Don’t assume that means unemployed. It usually means someone is being discrete.) If you’re a smoker, that “-” screams “I smoke like a fiend!!”

Keep Your Disinterest/Ambivalence In Having Kids on the DL – Don’t hide it, of course. But select “Doesn’t have kids” (or “Maybe” if you’re on Match) instead of “Doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want any.” This is where the questions come in handy. Answer those questions honestly if, in fact, you don’t want kids.

If You Lie About Your Height, Be Smart About It – I can remember reviewing one guy’s profile a couple months ago. His stated height was 6’0″. But looking at the photos, it was quite clear this guy was no taller than 5’10″. How did I know? He posted photos of himself with friends and was noticeably shorter than most. The chances that he was friends with a bunch of giants is slim. Plus, the space between his head and the top of the picture was too wide to be of someone six feet tall.  Fudge an inch if you like. Sorry, ladies. But none of you would know the difference between a guy 5’8″ and 5’9″.  Or 5’7″ and 5’6″. From that point downward it’s all pretty much the same. Same goes for men and weight.  If a woman said she weighed 160 guys would assume she was overweight with no waist. Not true, folks.

Avoid The Rule Breakers & The Ones Who Request You Do Extra Work - I’m talking about the people who refuse to oblige basic online dating etiquette and practice. Like the people who post pics of themselves where their face is hidden or shielded or obstructed. Or the ones who say obnoxious things like, “If you don’t understand that reference, Google It.” Either explain the reference or don’t include it. People don’t care enough about you and your flair for whimsy. Frankly, anybody who does go to that length just to have something to say to you is trying too hard. So don’t complain the next time you meet someone who Wikki’d some dumb Nancy Drew reference you made  and turned out to be a dud.

Avoid The Casual Sexers If You’re Looking for a Consistency/Relationship Of Some Kind- Unless of course that’s what you’re looking for. Then have at it. But, regardless of how great the sex is, you still won’t get together with them regularly. If they got you to respond, there are others. And honestly? The people who select “casual sex” tend to be pretty…off.  If you’re looking for something consistent but casual, go for those who select “short term dating.”

Know When To Stop Talking – Nobody needs nor wants to know about your financial situation or your recent divorce. Any man that says he’s newly divorced and “looking to meet cool people’ is an automatic No for me. Talk about a kid in a candy store. Same goes for the marginally employed, financially strapped. Seriously, what are you people thinking? Think of it this way. If those people were to say that in conversation, how would you feel? Weird, right? Uncomfortable? Yeah. Avoid ‘em. They’re not in a position to date. They’re also socially clueless.

 

The thing to realize is that by applying all these filters, your options will become smaller. So be it. If you define online dating success with how many dates you get or how many year long relationships you have, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Nowadays, the success is in not wanting to chew your arm off, quitting or giving up. Those Match.com ads telling you about all those marriages? It’s a selling point. It’s not reality. The majority of people who use these sites end up dating dozens and dozens of people for a long time until they meet someone that turns out to be long term. Nobody..and I mean nobody…should be on those sites looking for a relationship.

Those sites are for getting you dates. YOU’RE the one who gets you the relationship. And that takes time and effort and experience. The goal as far as I’m concerned is to avoid getting burnt out, duped or disheartened.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating In a Big City, OKCupid, Online Dating, Sex, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , ,

Some OK Cupid Questions You Shouldn’t Answer

March 30, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 6 Comments

Here’s a list of some OKC questions that you’d better off skipping. YMMV, of course.

 

How long do your romantic relationships usually last?

Anything other than 12+ months is a bad answer. 0-6 months makes you a liability.
Say you’ve started seeing someone you really like. As far as you’re concerned, how long will it take before you have sex?

By answering this, you’re implying that you expect sex during that time frame. Even if you say 3-5 dates, you could still end up being judged negatively.

Would you consider sleeping with someone on the first date?

Say Yes and you’re a slut. Say No and you’re lying or look like too much work.

If one of your potential matches was overweight, would that be a dealbreaker?

Avoid. Say Yes and you’ll look shallow or you’ll end up scaring off people who fear they might fall into the “overweight” category but actually don’t. Everybody has their own definition for these words.

How do you think your sex drive compares to what is typical for other people of your age and gender?

As it tends to be with looks, everybody has a distorted perception of themselves. Say you’re insatiable or have a very high sex drive and it will be held against you. Say average or low and people might think you aren’t very sexual.

Have you ever had sex with a person within the first hour of meeting them?

The only right answer to this is No.

Is there a such thing as having had too many sex partners?

Avoid. Once you open this door it’s fair game for conversation.

Have you ever had a true one-night stand? (You met someone, had sex that night, and never contacted each other again.)

Only correct answer here is No.

Would you need to know the sexual history, beyond 6 months back, of someone you dated?

No is the only appropriate answer.

Would you honestly answer any question concerning your sexual history that a partner might ask?

See above.

A general rule of thumb I think people should follow is to not go overboard with these questions. Answer maybe 100 or so tops. Avoid responding to too many sex, religion and politics questions. A handful of each are fine. But too many might make you look like an extremist of some kind. When I come across someone’s profile and they’ve answered hundreds and hundreds of questions, I wonder three things: how long have they been on this site, how much time do they have on their hands and why are they being so revealing?

I’ve said many times that I think these questions are a great way to gain insight in to someone. Not just by how someone answers these questions, but by how many of these questions they choose to answer. Someone who responds to 5+ pages of sex questions is someone I avoid. Same goes for religion and politics. Fine, you’re an atheist. That’s okay by me. But if you feel compelled to answer 5+ questions about how foolish you think religion is, then not only are you clearly not  a match for me, but you’re also intolerant of other people’s beliefs. Same goes for politics. It’s rare that you meet someone that will agree with you on every single issue. These people want carbon copies of themselves because they’re not comfortable being outside of their self-assigned comfort zones.

I think people really underestimate the importance of mystery in the early stages of dating. Frankly, I don’t want to know all that much about you upfront.I want to get to know you free of any pre-conceived ideas or opinions I’ve formed by reading through your questions. If you’re nuts, I’ll figure it out soon enough. 3 dates, to me, is not a waste of my time. If you’re just looking to get laid, that too I’ll discern pretty quickly. I’ll either sleep with you or I won’t.

I know many people need to have answers. Those people, in my opinion, are usually very difficult to deal with and almost always dissatisfied in one way or another. That’s why, whenever someone asks me one of those questions we discussed the other day, I typically pull back.

Someone who feels the need to paint a disclaimer on every situation or date is a buzzkill.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating, OKCupid, Online Dating, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , ,

Ins and Outs of Online Dating Teleclass – Sun, April 1

March 28, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle Leave a Comment

Sunday, April 1 – 1pm Eastern

$15- REGISTER HERE:

http://atwysonlineteleclass.eventbrite.com

This teleclass is being offered to our NYC, Boston & DC members, plus our reading audience.

**THIS TELECLASS WILL NOT COVER PROFILE WRITING OR REVIEWS**

Admission to this Teleclass includes $15  off our One on One Online Dating Profile Analysis & Advice Services

You’ve dealt with one too many online dating time waster, paid out the wazoo for memberships and had too many first encounters that left you deflated. Time to sharpen your instincts and strengthen the tools you already have to make online dating work for you.

This class is about getting you the right attitude required to date online successfully!!

*60 minute teleclass

TOPICS COVERED:

  • Why do I only hear from people who aren’t my type?
  • How come I send messages and don’t get many replies?
  • How do I keep up the momentum so they don’t Fade before we meet?
  • When should I ask them to meet?
  • Why did they say they wanted to go out again and then disappear or change their mind?
  • When should I hide my profile?
  • How do I keep my options open when they can see that I’ve logged on to the site where we met?
  • What sites are bets?
  • FOR THE LADIES – Why does it seem like all the men only want sex?
  • FOR THE MEN – Why do so many women flake?

 

Admission Includes 10 page Online Dating Profile Writing Guide.

 

“Not sure you get to read these. Well, if you do, Thanks for giving me the confidence to get back out there. After being married for many years, it was strange to get out and attempt to meet someone. I attended your dating group Q&A about reading signs etc and right after the meeting had dinner with someone from the group. After that I had the confidence to follow through with some other women. It has resulted in being with my girlfriend for over 3 years now. We have a great relationship. Thanks for helping me bring out the best in me. – C from NY”

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Filed Under: OKCupid, Online Dating

The Stranger

March 20, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 6 Comments

Name: Kitty

State: NY
Age: 45
Comment: Hi Moxie:  So I’m giving online dating a try and signed up for JDate.  My Modern Orthodox community here on Long Island is medium size, but I’m open to meeting less religious types…and those outside of my immediate area.  Among those that keep showing up as ideal matches are a few guys in my community…two of whom are actually interesting.  Not sure how to handle the “I see you on JDate” thing, I sent each of them a cute email which essentially said “Hi I see you here online, nice profile”.  Nothing more personal.  One man I know (he’s in the fashion biz and seems to date models), and the other is a very high profile business man.  (He’s widowed).

I should add that I have kids in middle school and both of these gents have kids who are in college and beyond…so unless they want a busy household…I won’t be interesting on that level either.

Did I do the wrong thing by saying a nice hello online?  Both responded politely, nothing more.  Not that I’m really expecting something, but I’m curious as to how YOU would handle things when you see someone in your extended circle on line.

 

Here’s what I think, and this is definitely going to be colored by my personal preference.

In today’s world, many of us have online and offline personas. We all feel somewhat vulnerable about who sees and who knows what.  I’ve had men reply to my dating profile and refer to the column or call me Moxie. I don’t like it. I always delete those emails or don’t respond. If I did respond, it would only encourage the guys to continue emailing me and I don’t want that. As I’ve said before, I don’t date men who show interest in the column in any way beyond general curiosity or who offer themselves up as column fodder. These men are showing interest in Moxie, not the real me. I am at a distinct disadvantage with those men, since they have access to me that I don’t have of them.  That makes me way too vulnerable, so I avoid them at all costs.  I’ve been involved with someone who did that, who used information he learned from monitoring me online without my knowledge, and used said information to his advantage while feigning ignorance.  I’m sure most of these men have no malicious intent. But some do, so they all get thrown in one group. Not a risk I’m willing to take.

While there is no real stigma to dating online anymore, that doesn’t mean people are totally comfortable with folks from their “real” lives knowing anything about their personal lives that they do not choose to share. It’s not about being embarrassed. It’s about feeling a little too vulnerable. We’re all so accessible now that I think many people prefer to believe – even if it isn’t true – that they can still be somewhat anonymous. (PS? You submitted this letter using your real name. In the future, be sure to use an alias. If I didn’t know you, I may have posted this letter using your real name thinking it was an alias. )

I often see people I know on various dating sites. I don’t contact them unless we’re close friends. If I know them well enough and want to say hello, I email them. But if they are just guys I’ve dated or acquaintances? I let them go about their business. I allow them to believe that nobody is watching. Dating is hard enough. Nobody wants to think that someone is monitoring their personal lives in some way. Sure, people might say that they’re choosing to put themselves out there, etc. Yes, I agree. But there’s a difference between putting themselves out there the way I or any other blogger does it and the way a “civilian” does it.

I think, should you encounter other men online that you know in real life, you shouldn’t acknowledge that in your intro email. If they recognize you, they recognize you.  By saying something to them about how you know them offline, it could make them a bit…paranoid. By not saying something, you’re demonstrating an understanding of privacy and boundaries, two things very important to most men.

I don’t think you did anything wrong by saying hello, per se. But I wouldn’t be surprised if their polite response and nothing more had a little to do with the fact that they recognized you from real life.

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Filed Under: Dating & Blogging, Facebook, Latests Posts, OKCupid, Online Dating, Social Media, Social Rules of Dating Tagged With: , , , , , ,
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