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Beware The Guy Who Is Too Good Looking To Be Dating Online

October 28, 2012 by 24 Comments

A profile review client shared a story with me yesterday that I thought would make for an interesting post.

Kim is 34, slender and very attractive. She works for a prestigious government agency. Her profile made her sound genuine, confident, positive and outgoing. She recently moved from DC to NYC and has since gone back to DC. When she was using OK Cupid here in Manhattan, she was emailed by a guy we’ll call Jay.

Jay was 35 and an actor. He was also strikingly handsome. He didn’t bother to fill out his profile at all. He just posted a series of photos, many that had obviously been used for a modeling portfolio of some kind.

On their first date, Kim and Jay met at a bar or drinks. Jay’s credit card was declined. His wallet had been stolen, he said, and he must not have called his credit card company to activate the replacement. On that date, Jay confessed that he didn’t give Kim his real last name. Concerned, Kim went home and paid for a background check on Jay. She discovered a list of petty offenses – DUIs and the like. She told Jay that, due to her job, she couldn’t continue to see him.

He told her he understood, but came back around a couple weeks later asking for a second chance. Kim gave him one. Their second date, Jay forgot his wallet and paid for their drinks with a $100 bill. A couple weeks later, Jay asked Kim for gas money. This was during the time that he claimed he was working on a film here in NYC with a well known, Oscar winning actor. They continued to date a handful more times before Jay disappeared on her.

During our session, Kim asked me if I felt there was something about her profile that made Jay think she was an easy mark. I told there wasn’t. Nothing in her profile set off any bells for me. I explained that the Jays of the online dating world contact anyone and work them the same way he worked her. That’s how they get by. Some women last for a few weeks. Some a few months. However, I said, the warning signs as to his intentions were quite clear from the get go.

He was an extremely attractive man using a free online dating site. (Yes, I know. A few of you will say that you consider yourself to be very attractive and use that site too. Congrats for hitting the genetic lotto and thank you for sharing. Glad I could afford you an opportunity to brag.) Add to that red flag the fact that he didn’t bother to fill out his profile. At all. Then there are all the photos of himself, some of which were professional shots. Jay is one of the “the rules don’t apply to me” people. He didn’t feel he had to fill out his profile. He was good looking enough that it didn’t matter. And look! He was right. Women replied to him despite having nothing on his profile other than some vanity shots. The people who feel that they are above following understood and accepted or even stated guidelines are displaying arrogance, laziness and a lack of genuine interest in the process as a whole. They do it because it works for them. Here was Kim, an intelligent, educated, attractive woman who worked for a government agency that specializes in sniffing out threats. And yet, despite all of her professional training, she not just missed but ignored the obvious warning signs.

Why?

Because he was really good looking. This guy dropped his bait into the sea of online dating with the intention of meeting a woman that he could con into paying his way. Because he’s arrogant, he assumed that all the women on online dating sites would be chomping at the bit to get a bite out of him simply because he was very attractive. If someone from a dating site emails you and one of your first thoughts is, “Why are they contacting me?” that should give you pause. You’re admitting to yourself that that person is out of your league. You will pursue it because you want to see if maybe, just maybe, you’re in a higher league than you thought. Like DMN said in a recent comment, clowns are everywhere online. But you have to learn the difference between the people who just aren’t terribly socially polished and the actual clowns. The people who text and email for days? They’re clowns. You can be upset at them all you like. The minute you decide to overlook their clownery, you become complicit in it and encourage them to continue this charade with other unsuspecting people.

This isn’t to say that all above average looking people who do online dating are shady. They’re not. Well, most aren’t. But the ones who don’t even fill out their profiles?  Yeah. They’re shady. Same goes for women who show similar tendencies. Just a bunch of shots of her looking sexy with a couple incoherent lines? Shady. A profile full of disclaimers about what she expects and how she wants a guy who makes a lot of money? Shady. The sad thing is that these people have success. Those men and women will get dates and find the saps that they seek. They know their market, and their market is most definitely online.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, casual sex, Cheating, Dating, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Should He Date Twentysomethings or Thirtysomethings?

October 12, 2012 by 59 Comments

Hi Moxie:

I hit the big four-zero this past December, so I’m entering a new
phase of dating. I have a dating-guidance question.

A bit of background is in order: I’m average-to-good looking,
educated, well traveled, doing OK at work (clear over $100k), over 6
feet, athletic (I could stand to lose 10lbs but not 20lbs). Basically,
my question comes down to this: on OK Cupid, if I initiate
conversation with attractive women in their mid-to-late 20′s, I do
pretty well. But the women in their mid-to-late 30′s are chasing me -
emails, rating me highly, etc.

Where do you think my time would be better invested?

 

 

I think the days of every woman in her mid to late thirties being anxious to march down the aisle or get a guy to support her or otherwise lock a man down are somewhat in the past. I’m sorry, but that’s just not the case any more.

I have a male friend who is in his early forties. He’s employed, I assume he makes a great salary because he’s a lawyer, owns his own place, etc. He regularly dates women in their mid to late thirties. Multiple women. At the same time. And they all know they aren’t exclusive. He doesn’t tell them he’s dating other women. He also never tells them or even alludes to any of them being that things could get serious or exclusive.

He doesn’t have any problems. No talks about where things are going. No questions about where he sees things going. These women all seem perfectly content with the relationship as is.

If your decision to date the women in their twenties over the women in their thirties has to do with believing that they want want anything too serious too quickly, you’re cutting yourself off at the knees. Plenty of thirty-five plus women are okay with a casual relationship. they make their own money and have developed a satisfying personal/social life. The guy is a bonus.

The twenty-something, for the most part, see you as an experiment. It’s like the people in Manhattan who date people in Queens. It’s something new, something different, maybe even a mini-adventure. But they don’t expect or probably even want things to get serious. Not only that, but your average twenty-something doesn’t want her Baby Daddy to be a first time dad in his forties. If you’re one of those men in their forties who is still holding on to your dream of having kids, you should be looking at the the women in their late thirties. The twenty-eight year olds can far too easily pull a guy in his early thirties.

As for which age bracket offers a lower degree of difficulty, I’ll say the twenty-somethings win that one. Somebody said it in the comments yesterday: if a woman is in her late thirties and has never been married and has been single for any reasonably long time, there’s a reason. As such, she has become intolerant of certain things. Sometimes justifiably. She has also likely befriended women equally intolerant and difficult. Which means when she does that thing that I always tell women not to do (seek dating advice from female friends) the feedback she gets will be badly skewed.

Many women assume that men prefer women in their twenties just because they’re younger and that’s not true. Many men prefer women in their twenties because these women have less baggage and bad relationship experience. They are easier to deal with on an on going basis. Frankly, I think there is merit to that opinion.

Speaking of which, I thought I’d ask you guys your opinion of something work-related. So, we host speeddating events in NYC and Boston. I’m noticing a trend of behavior and I’m trying to figure out what, if any, policies I can put in place to prevent this behavior from happening too frequently. We offer people $12 off events if they pre-pay with a friend. Inevitably, any time we have an event for the 38+ crowd, there will be a pair of women who show up and cause a commotion about something innocuous. Last night, we had a woman arrive at our Boston event assuming that the speeddating event would start at 7pm. The event itself does start at 7. The first round of speeddating starts at 7:30. We give people time to arrive, check in, get a drink and relax/mingle. Well, this one particular woman decided to be quite vocal about how dissatisfied she was that we didn’t start right at 7pm, so she left at 7:25 or so, despite our host explaining to her the schedule for the evening.

Now, this is not an isolated incident. (Though this does seem more common in Boston. People in NYC are used to waiting around for trains, buses, etc.) A woman and her friend sign up, arrive at the event at the advertised start time, and proceed to find something to not just complain about but use as a reason to implode. We rarely have more than 3 of one gender at any event, and always make sure we have minimum of 7 each or else we cancel the event (which almost never happens.) So these women have the opportunity to meet minimum 7 guys. Yes, especially in the older age range, we sometimes have 2 or 3 more women, but we do what we can to prevent that. So the extra women have to sit alone for 5-15 minutes waiting for their turn. But they still meet every guy in attendance. Also, if we list an event as sold out for women, at least 2 women just won’t show up, which usually evens the numbers.

In any case, this happens all of the time to the point where my hosts are now trained to pay special attention to the women who register with friends to try and alleviate any concerns or anxiety. I have no problem if a woman wants to leave if there aren’t enough men. But that’s never the problem.

1. The women feel threatened by the other women. Another commonality we notice is that the women who create the commotion are almost always the oldest in the group. My hosts always comment that the women who attend these events are quite attractive.

2. The women don’t see anyone they like. – Okay, I understand that. But they can’t manage to put on a smile for 60 minutes?

3. They are nervous. – The fact that they register with a friend tells me they don’t want to attend alone. The problem is that if one leaves, the other leaves.

As I said..we never see this in the events for the under 35 crowd. Ever. It is always at the events that go above 40. What really gets me about it is that these women make spectacles of themselves, thereby perpetuating that stereotype that single women over 40 are miserable and difficult. They try to tell the host how to run the event, stand at the check in station and loudly complain or sit at their assigned tables and vent to other guests. (Make special note of something: we never see this behavior from the male attendees. Ever. Ever ever ever. )

What do you think this is about?

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Meeting Women, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Does Romantic Chemistry Really Exist?

October 11, 2012 by 48 Comments

Name: David
Age: 47
State: NY
Question: Lately I have been noticing a lot of ladies on POF mention chemistry in their profile.Something along the lines of there must be chemistry or they will know right away if there is chemistry. I never remember seeing this as often as I do now. Isnt it implied people want to feel that? You dont go looking for a car saying it must have brakes. Yes its important but to mention it specifically seems unnecessary.

Maybe it is because these ladies have gone on so many dates without chemistry they feel the need to mention it. When I see that I dont even bother anymore. My track record of getting a second date with someone who puts chemistry in their profile isn’t very good. I have heard the no chemistry reason after a first date plenty of times. And if I had good first dates there wasnt any mention of that. Maybe thats just a coincidence. Seems like the ladies who write that just have a higher bar that I can’t reach.  Since you look at  profiles for your clients I was wondering if you have any insight as to why they do this because you never really know if there is chemistry until you go out- why mention it beforehand? Thank you.

 

You really answered your own question. You’re absolutely right that women and men who mention how important chemistry is are letting you know that they rarely find it on their dates. Know why?

Chemistry isn’t real and it doesn’t exist. Chemistry is an idea that was put into our heads by rom coms and TV. When these people say they’re looking for chemistry, what they’re actually telling you is that they want to have one of those magical first dates where, by the end, the pair is completing the other person’s sentences.

A lack of chemistry is also one of those indisputable arguments that people like to use to explain why they’re still single. For example, a woman saying she wants a man of integrity is an indisputable argument. Of course she does. Therefore, if she says that a man she met, that she barely knows, had no integrity, nobody would say she was being too picky. Of course, she can’t quantify or accurately pin point *why* she feels the man lacks integrity. It’s just something she “knows.”

Lack of chemistry is usually the default reasoning for no second date. It sounds acceptable, right? But if you ask someone to explain what they mean by “no chemistry” they typically respond by saying that there was no click or that “something” was missing. Well, what was that? Nine time out of ten, they can’t identify or accurately express what was missing. The true explanation is that they didn’t have the experience they had created in their head as what constitutes a “great date.”

And therein lies the problem. The “great date”is usually one that resembles that one date they had 5 years ago that led to a relationship that was omigod so amazing! From there on out, if a date doesn’t follow that exact pattern, there was no chemistry. These people are trying to re-capture something. They have told themselves that that is the missing part of the Magic Formula. If the date plays out like that one amazing date they had once, then it has potential. If it doesn’t, there’s no future. We spoke about this earlier: the Magic Formula people are convinced that their relationship is successful because it involves certain and specific aspects or steps. It’s an immature way of thinking that is applied to a relationship to make someone feel special or different.

I believe in the existence of synergy and attraction. Maybe that’s how many people define “chemistry.” I think it’s acceptable to want that. But when you see or hear someone express their desire for “chemistry” in a profile, you’re correct in taking that as a warning sign.

I just had this conversation with a profile review client this week. I told her to look out for the guys who include things in their profile about how they’re looking for “a partner in crime” or “a special lady to share their life with.” These are romanticized ideals said either to grease the wheels a bit or out of a total lack of experience with actual relationships. People are better off saying that they’re looking for companionship and attraction, someone with whom they can enjoy various activities and experiences. That’s more accurate and realistic.  That’s what you want in a partner. You want someone who knows it’s going to be difficult at times. You don’t want someone who appears have based their ideas and opinions of relationship on fairy tale like images.

 

 

Picture Courtesy of Think Geek

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Advice, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Myths, Dating Over 40, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Online Date When You’re Overweight?

October 7, 2012 by 46 Comments

Name: Dori
Age: 41
State: MA
Question: Dear Moxie,

Couple weeks before you posted ‘My inner fat girl’ in May 2012 I made a profile on OKC. I described myself as ‘curvy’. At that time I was 5’3′, 180 lb. My profile generated some responses, but not the ones you (or even I) would describe as high quality.  After about a month I got frustrated, deleted my profile and started working on weight loss.

So as I am getting thinner and planning a triumphant return, here is the question. OKC gives the following options for body types:

Thin
Overweight
Skinny
Average
Fit
Athletic
Jacked
A little extra
Curvy
Full-Figured
Used-up

Describing oneself as Overweight/A little extra/Full Figured seems to indicate self-deprecation/low self-esteem, i.e. I would be shooting myself in the foot. I like ‘curvy’ (I have DDD bra size), but is it true that ‘curvy’ is just a euphemism for obese? At which weight (BMI? Waist to Hip ratio?) can a woman honestly describe herself as ‘average’? Would you consider commenting on the body types definitions and deciphering the OKC-speak?

Thank you,
D

 

I don’t think describing oneself as overweight, full figured, etc is a sign of low self-esteem. It’s a sign of self-awareness. How other people perceive that admission isn’t about you. That’s about them. As for whether or not I would actually select that body type option, the answer is no. Select average. That way you’ll come up in more searches. If you post accurate and recent photos of yourself, then you won’t be misrepresenting yourself too egregiously. Guys will see what they’re getting.

Yes, “curvy” is just a nice way of saying overweight. It’s unfortunate that that’s how most people, even many women, interpret that. But they do. Select Curvy as your body type and the majority of people who will view your profile will be the fetishists and chubby chasers. Which isn’t necessarily bad as long as you understand that those people are attracted to you because of your weight/size and not in spite of it.

Hip to waist ratio is irrelevant when it comes to online dating. No reasonable, well adjusted man is going to look at your photo and do some sort of math in his head trying to determine that. Thankfully, the other 98% of men on those sites doesn’t give a shit what your BMI or waist to hip ratio is as long as you look reasonably healthy and attractive to them. Being overweight, you’re not going to be everybody’s cup of tea. Accept that first before diving head first into the OK Cupid waters.

As we said in a recent post, online dating isn’t about 100% honesty. (Hell, dating isn’t about 100% honesty, 100% of the time.) It’s about getting the interview. Of course, you don’t want to say you went to Harvard when you really attended Small Town State University and that you had a 4.0 instead of a 3.4, There’s an acceptable fudging curve. You can’t say you’re “Fit” and then post up to date pics of yourself where you’re clearly a good 30+ pounds overweight. You very well might be quite healthy. But to the majority of people looking at your profile, you’ll look delusional. Selecting average is safe. It will get you enough profile views to make a difference. Learn how to figure out which guys are genuine and which ones are just hitting you up because they’re desperate, though.

I’m not being cynical when I explain that dating online when you’re a bigger girl is fraught with landmines. If you know your audience, you’ll manage to avoid a lot of the frustration and embarrassment that many plus sized women experience due to online dating. Many of the dating bloggers out there who have wacky story after wacky story of bad first dates wherein guys mysteriously ditch them, hook up with them and never call again, refuse to pay the bill or make crude and obnoxious comments are also chubby. That’s not a coincidence.

As for the body type breakdown, I’ll give it a shot.

Thin – To me, this means healthy and slender.
Overweight – For me this means excess weight in the belly area.
Skinny – My interpretation of this is that the person is unhealthy in some way. Skin and bones and little else. Gaunt.
Average – This could be assigned to just about anybody who doesn’t too chubby or flabby up to and including people who could stand to lose 20 pounds or so. It also means – to me – that they don’t work out or aren’t very healthy/fitness conscious.
Fit – Self-explanatory, I think. Evenly proportioned and mostly toned.  This descriptor says, “I work out regularly and am health conscious.”
Athletic – See above but add some thickness. Thick legs, big arms, etc.
Jacked- Gym rat. The guy with the muscle tees who groan when they lift.
A little extra – Self-explanatory. The person is carrying around slight but noticeable amount of extra weight.
Curvy -Curvy has been taken over by the plus sized gals. The woman on the far right of the photo above, to me, is curvy. Curvy used to mean hourglass shaped with a larger breast, thin waist and ample but not out of proportion with the rest of your body hips. Now it’s a label used by plus sized to obese women.
Full-Figured -  Overweight with no noticeable waist line.
Used-up – I don’t think anybody uses this, nor do I think it has a definition.

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Weight, First Impressions, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Ladies, Take This Guy’s Advice About How To Write a Dating Profile

October 1, 2012 by 6 Comments

I HAD to post this here. It sounds like he genuinely wants feedback and wants the attention, so I don’t feel like I’m invading his privacy. Enjoy. This is worth the read.

Dude I’m glad I’m not out there anymore.

I don’t live in New York.

This isn’t a profile.

I don’t want to meet you.

Used to think I would write a blog about all this. Thinking maybe no. Thinking maybe turning it all in to a novel of sorts one day. I’ll not use your real names.
****************************************************
So this isn’t really a profile. It is a collection of answers to questions you have asked me over the years I’ve been here. I’ve left what used to be my own profile at the beginning of each section. Enjoy yourself and drop me a line if you like, but my dot is usually red for a reason. I am well stocked in pen pals, but if you have something interesting to say I’ll probably respond eventually. If you think I’m on point on any of this and want to ask my advice about something I’ll usually respond to that. I like giving advice.

I don’t do advice for men. The dumb shit men do here should serve as a warning sign to you to stay away from them. I’m not going to help anyone hide their inner douche/bro/asshole/misogynist/etc.

*****************************************************

I’m here. I’m married. She knows. She approves.

I’m a stay at home dad. I have free time. I am surrounded by
mommies who also have free time. 9/10 of them ignore me completely. #10…she’s the problem. She wants my attention. You, the women of okcupid keep me distracted from her.

For real though. I don’t want to meet you. I won’t even tell you where I live. I also don’t want to talk dirty to you. That is only hot if we’ve fucked. And we haven’t.

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Here is the most important thing to do when writing your profile. Be honest. Are you 45? Don’t write 37. Do you currently weigh 180 pounds? Don’t post a single picture of yourself at 140. Do you have a peg leg? ARRRGGGHH! There’s a guy out there with a wood fetish just waiting for you. Here’s the thing. No amount of witty email banter is going to change these things about you, and the less you disclose before your first date the less a potential partner will trust you. This is not a romantic comedy and he is not going to fall for Uma and then fall for Janeane. Lots of guys would rather have Janeane anyway. Ultimately you won’t be happy with a man who doesn’t think it is cute that you dress up your kittehs every night for a tea party if that is what you do. You won’t be happy with a non-gamer if you have to limit yourself to 3 hours of WOW a night. And you won’t keep anyone’s attention who expects the marathon runner with 1% body fat in your pictures and gets the bombshell with the curves that you became when you blew your knee out. The thing is, curvy nerdy cat ladies get laid too. Plenty. Don’t presume you know what kind of woman someone wants. Present yourself as you are. You don’t like it when a guy shows up with 10 more years, twice the gut, and half the hair as his profile suggested either.

What you should NOT write here:
Your age/race/gender. For fuck’s sake it is on the header. And if your age is wrong…oh man…that screams easy lay/no brains/lying about your age. Then again if you like being fucked and thrown away you could totally leave it in, though it is better to just write in the first line that you want a fuck buddy and post pictures of your ass.

I’m sexaaaayyy
Do not describe your physical appearance with subjective terms like cute or sexy or pretty. We can see that from your photos and it is all a matter of opinion. You may instill an instant erection in a man until he reads that you are “cute” or “bbw” or some other term he may have decided does not equal sexy to him. If you have a peg leg or a lazy eye that is something to include if it is not evident from your pictures. If you describe yourself as cute/pretty/sexy etc, it comes off as either arrogant if you are or clueless if you aren’t. Post some pictures and leave it to the other person to decide how to see you.

You are unique
Also..jesus christ everybody is a contradiction. Everybody is diverse. It’s not just you. This is an adolescent view…that thing where you are so far inside your own head you don’t understand that everyone else is as complex as you are. Grow up.

You are so fucking smart
Also…do not describe your intelligence. We can read your profile and figure out if you are an intellectual or an idiot or something in between. Telling someone you are brilliant is like telling someone you are a gentleman….if you have to tell people it just isn’t true.

Pictures
Better to have a bathroom mirror shot that is accurate and recent than professional shots from 5 years and 30 pounds ago. Better to have either pictures of you in your panties OR with your kids but NOT both. Better to have a representation of your body even if you don’t like it. The point here is for someone else to like it. And for the love, no fish face unless you are under 20. If you are, fuck you. Youth is wasted on the young. Turn off the computer and go out.

Quotes
Google much? Because even a moron can plug your quote in to Google, head to the wiki, and in 20 minutes gather enough information to make you think you two have this love for some obscure writer in common. You are better served to quote from a movie than a book or (god forbid) a poem or song. If an adolescent can’t immediately understand your quote then you run the risk of miscommunicating and you sound pretentious as hell. Hipsters may ignore this advice. As far as I can tell you guys are all in a contest to see who can derive meaning from the most meaningless thing so knock yourself out.

AND NOW, the answer to the most popular question so far:

Why the fuck do smart beautiful shit together women in New York have to bust their ass to get a damn date?

New York ladies: you live in a city where all the most beautiful, intelligent, successful, interesting, dynamic women in the world move to at 24. There is a shortage of available men there. Your competition is sending the few decent men messages, arranging real life dates, and following up immediately if it goes well. They are swallowing their pride and making it fucking happen. That guy you have been emailing has 10 other women this week who are equally awesome pursuing him. Unlike most other cities, you have to be the dude. You HAVE to be the dude. You have to push for the in-person meeting. You have to wait longer than you should have to before you sleep with him because there is a long line of women already offering him casual sex. You have to let it fucking go if you have to initate conversations and dates for a bit. Your competition is absolutely doing this already. You have to be the dude. Not because he is passive and weak and is afraid to pursue you and your baddassness, but becase he doesn’t have to. He doesn’t have to people. If that doesn’t work for you, you can either (1) import a man from another city, (2) move, or (3) get knocked up.

If anyone has any better ideas I’m all ears, but in my inbox are 20 women who are so amazing it actually hurts my feelings that they are single. And this is about a month’s worth of new messages. And I’m married and I don’t live in New York and you can’t even see my face. I’m not that smart, I didn’t go to an Ivy League school, I’m not that cute, I’m not that great of a writer, and I don’t even have a job, and yet you send me messages and I look at your profile and I think oh my god you are fucking awesome.

I realized the problem in New York when I imagined for a moment what I would do if I were single. I’d move to New York and have no idea how to split my time between the dozens of women who are so beautiful and interesting that I MUST meet them immediately. I wouldn’t focus all my attention on the one who is such a scary good match for me I’d marry her sight unseen if I were single. I’d have to make sure the mounds of other insanely desirable women weren’t better, and I’d be part of the problem. I’d be a dick just like the rest of them.

Check that. I’d marry her. I’m a romatic like that.

What I’m doing with my life 

I’m a stay at home dad. It’s pretty exciting as you can imagine. 

***************************************************
There’s nothing wrong with being empty-headed. The world needs ditch diggers. But if you say “Living it!” you sound empty-headed.

Personally I like to see some kind of plan here. What the fuck do you do for money? “Making art” is great. “Creating” is beautiful. But people gotta eat too. Honestly guys want to understand exactly how the bills are getting paid. Some guys are totally up for moving you from daddy’s payroll to theirs. Hell I’m a stay at home dad…no judgements. But if you do actually do something other than “create” that pays your bills…mention it. It makes it clear that you are capable of paying rent or contributing to a joint income with something other than daddy’s credit card.

And let us be honest…if you run in the circles where you will never be expected to work you should probably stick to those circles for the long-term dating and use okc for other kinds of relationships. Post some hot pictures and don’t get too wordy about anything else.

I’m really good at 

I give fucking awesome advice. 

I’m a decent cook.

I can keep a party going.

I get along with almost anybody even though I like almost nobody. Closet misanthrope.

What I am bad at: lose/loose, its/it’s, grey/gray. Don’t be a cock about it ok? Didn’t cost you anything to read this crap. Won’t cost you anything to move right on to the next profile.

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Do not imply you are good at sexual things with a fucking winky face and a hint that maybe I’ll find out. Here’s a newsflash….being good at blowjobs is not a skill. Nobody cares. Guys don’t care. However, enjoying giving blowjobs…yeah that guys care about. We are fucking easy to please in bed. For real. So easy I’m going to give you the secrets to pleasing a man in bed right now:

1. Pretend you don’t hate your body while having sex at least
2. Learn how to get yourself off
3. Gently guide your partner in how to get you off
4. Get him off
5. Don’t do shit that makes you feel disprespected (unless that is your thing of course). It will ruin sex for both of you.
6. Men have body image issues too. Say something nice.

The first things people usually notice about me 

I’m someplace men aren’t supposed to be. With a toddler. Seriously. Shouldn’t he be at work? “Mr. Mom today huh?” Where I live there are no stay at home dads. I stick out. 

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Don’t say eyes. Nobody fucking notices your eyes first and if they do it is still a boring ass answer. Tits is funny but overdone. Be creative. And don’t fucking quote anybody. You sound like a jackass. Men who say beautiful things to you want to fuck you or they are very sweet but neither has anything to do with how someone sees you as they read your profile. We aren’t going to go “Oh!!! EMOGOTHluver69 thinks she has hot tatoos so they MUST be hot because some asshole she knows who has a profile says so. Come to think of it…just skip this session and post some damn pictures.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food 

Who fucking cares. Proper nouns have no place in a dating profile. Please notice though…I did NOT list Dan Savage as a favorite author. Poly folks can rock on but it isn’t for me.
The six things I could never do without 

This question is so fucking stupid. I’d skip it. Air/water/sex/iphone/hummus/dog. There. Copy and paste. It is what everybody’s says. 

Here is a list of words your profile should be able to live without.

LOL
Unabashed
Random
Zombie
Britspeak (if you are not from the UK)
Totes
Currently (unless otherwise stated, we shall assume that things like “currently trying to git bac to skool to get me edukation on” means right now)

I spend a lot of time thinking about 

How to manage my time so that my wife and son get what they need from me and I get what I need to keep taking care of them. 

****************************************************
This is the question that makes okc a hipster pseudo-intellectual circkle jerk.

On a typical Friday night I am 

Wine and netflix. Rocking out in my pajamas piled on the couch. Saturdays are date night. We like food and wine and the first available reservation. 

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I like this question too, though people often seem so very pleased with themselves to proudly state that no Friday night is typical. I suppose you should be honest. Think back to your last five fridays and give a summary of them. Maybe he likes drinking microbrews and going to drag shows too? I read one that actually described (briefly) the last few Fridays. It was pretty interesting but it wasn’t written like a series of fucking tweets to make your friends jealous of your fabulous time.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit 

I won’t tell you where I live. That is the most private thing I’m not willing to admit. 

I *used to* have another profile here which is a social experiment of a different kind. It was naughty. The results were hilarious. Yall are some freaks.

I never send anyone the first message. It tends to just set the wrong tone. When I make an exception it usually doesn’t go well, but generally if I send you a message first it really confuses the whole not available for meeting/fucking/etc. thing.

If I do send you a message I assume you won’t respond.

I read CL Missed Connections every day hoping someone has written one about me. If I tell you where I live, hopefully you will remember this and post one.

****************************************************
Not much to say here either. Don’t want to tell everyone your secrets here? Cool. Find this is as good a place as any to get the whole Hep-C thing out of the way? Go for it. If you are a trans person, this is way too fucking late. For the love don’t mention 50 Shades here either. That book is shit.

I’m looking for 

  • Girls who like guys
  • Ages 30–50
  • Located anywhere
  • For long-distance penpals
You should message me if 

Eh. I probably won’t answer. Fuck off. But if you must, here are some tips: 

I generally don’t get along well with people who:

type in all caps
are militantly political
want to convince me that their relationship style would work better for me than mine
are unhappy
are looking for a man to reject

NEW SECTION: You should NOT message HIM if…..
My little public service concludes with a list of red flags. If a
dude does any of these things, you should probably move on.

1. Constantly initiates naughty talk before you’ve even met.
2. Sends unrequested cock shots. Seriously. Just run.
3. ANY mention of an ex in a profile other than as an explanationof custody situations.
4. No face in the photo=cheater/handicapped. I get the irony.
5. Cancelling your first date at the last minute more than once =cheater.
6. Lists his income. (that is just classless in my opinion)

***************************************************

Seriously. I’d really like your input on this project. Hit me up.
Tell me what sucks about online dating. Tell me what is awesome
about it. Tell me why I’m wrong or why something I’ve said strikes
a chord with you.

 

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Signs That He Is An Insufferable Egomaniac

September 17, 2012 by 17 Comments

Ladies, keep these in mind when you’re reading a man’s profiles.

 

1. Any reference to his fitness level.- Too many mentions of working out can have one of two results. You’ll either come off narcissistic or you’ll scare off people who might think they aren’t active or healthy enough for you. I tend to believe that people who regularly work out prefer to be with someone who does the same.

2. References to female friends or admissions that he has a lot of female friends. – Making admissions like this worse is adding how you were raised by a single mom or came from a family of sisters. Keep your childhood traumas to yourself. Also? You are not the first person in the world to be raised by one parent. Get over yourself.  It’s not always a positive thing that you try to recreate family dynamics with your friendships. You’re friends with a lot of insecure women because men think you’re a jackass. There. Fixed that for you. Guys like this think that women “need” them or that they can some how enhance the woman’s life. We’re fine, thanks.

3.Any mentions of sensitive information regarding his ex. – Certain things are private, like the fact that your ex- wife couldn’t have children. There are these things called boundaries. If he’s willing to share something that private about his ex-wife on the internet, imagine what he’ll say about you when you break up and he heads back to OKC.

4. Revealing his income range. – Wow. A six figure income? That’s so….not at all rare. Especially in Manhattan. This a fantastic way to encourage all the gold diggers to contact you. You don’t want to include thing sin your profile that might, at some point, make you question why someone is really interested in you.

5. Asking for or saying that feedback on his profile is welcome . – Translation: So, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me? This is something a lot of men on these sites do. They put up a profile and then women email them and the men ask the women what about their profile made them respond. Don’t take that bait, ladies. They just want to talk about themselves. Note to men who invite feedback on their profiles: be careful what you wish for. Some people would think nothing of linking to your profile and publicly roasting you.

6. Using his friends as an excuse for your self-absorption – Oh. So it’s your friend’s fault that you’re such an egomaniac? Ok. This statement is similar to the women who write blogs and say that alll their friends told them how hilarious their dating stories were and that they should write  a blog/book. You’re being set up, ladies. Your friends are actually trying to get you to humiliate yourself on a public stage. The lesson? Don’t pass off your bottomless need for validation on your pals. The fact that he refers to his friends supposed advice as an explanation for why he’s bragging should tell you he doesn’t like to own his choices and has issues with accountability.

7. Saying he gives great massages. - If this is how you get women to take their tops off and lie down, that’s sad. Nobody is going to go out with a man because of this supposed “skill.” Newsflash – If we want a massage, most of us can pay for one at the nail salon. Equally eye roll worthy are mentions of how you’re a giver or like giving. Whatever.  Most men enjoy going down on a  woman. You are not special.

8. Mentions of trendy restaurants/hotels/bars that he frequents. – Listen. The only people who go to these pretentious places are people who like to say they go to these pretentious places. PS? Nobody gives a shit about your membership to the Soho House, as everybody knows that’s Poser/Wannabe Central. People who go out of their way to mention that they go there are automatically considered douchebags. Special note to the ladies who do this: The guys you want to meet do not hang out at those trendy hotel bars you frequent. Those are guys into the “scene.” As in they want to see and be seen. If you go to these places hoping to meet men, don’t be surprised if every guy you meet there asks for your number and never contacts you, takes you out once and sleeps with you and blows you off, etc. Those guys go to those places hoping to meet women like you.

9. References to his romantic/sexual references - Good Christ. First? Any man or woman who brags about their sexual prowess can almost always be expected to suck in bed. Remember that. Second? Keep any references to your sexual past to yourself. Granted, this sort of oversharing could work for men since women are so competitive. Men, on the other hand, don’t want to know about your past.

10. Suggestions that women Google him and then giving his real name. – First of all, way to invite every crazy pants stalker into your life. Second of all, way to show horrible judgement. Now your douchey profile can be found by anybody with an internet connection.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Dating, Douchey Guys, OKCupid, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Servicey! Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Dating Survival Skills You MUST Have

August 24, 2012 by 43 Comments

Name: PJ
Age: 59
State: NY
Question: Its Friday night I’m alone again, I thought once I had a bf that
we would do “couple things” like take in a movie, have dinner,
walk in the park.  When we first met he would go upstate to
visit his daughter.  I would ask why can’t you stay
Friday night and leave Sat morning. He wouldn’t do that.
Finally he did stop, I think he daughter got a bf of her own.

I moved in and we started doing a few “couple things”.
But then his school started, he is working on his PHD
in chemistry and is doing a lot of lab work.  He stays
there all night 3 nights a week and claims he sleeps in
the student lounge.

At first I was very depressed being left alone so much,
but little by little I began to develop friends and go to meet up
events.  I’ve gone to comedy clubs, writing groups,
shows, lectures, and many many movies. Often times I go by
myself,  its better than staring at the empty rooms.

I still don’t trust that he is just sleeping in the student
lounge.  I did find some emails on a dating site
where he met with some woman. When I confronted
him he said that he made a mistake that he felt neglected
by me since I had started my jewelry business.  He
claimed that he wouldn’t see her again.

A few months later  I saw a bunch of  sexy pictures he had
taken of her at midnight in her apartment. Red Flag…
He claims he is innocent that he could never be with
another woman that he has hit the “lotto” in dating me.
He is a master manipulator, and a smooth talker.
I do admire that he is  bright but that sometimes works
against me.  His overactive brain  hurls him into doing
harmful actions; such as  talk on the phone secretly in the
bathroom with the door closed, turning off the computer
when I walk into the room.

Why does he persist in telling me he loves me when he does all
this hurtful behavior.  I have to let this not get to me.
To put all my energies into writing again and into my
jewelry business. That gives me a sense of accomplishment
helps me to regain a little of the self confidence I have lost

an update I did finally move out, the secretive behavior
finally got to me, but I haven’t gotten him out of my system. I know this sounds like relationship drama but
now he says that he misses me and wants to get married..
we did have great sex, but that may be because we are
both so needy?

 

A few months later  I saw a bunch of  sexy pictures he had
taken of her at midnight in her apartment. Red Flag…

No. That’s a Fireable Offense. Not a Red Flag. That is evidence he’s cheating. Hard evidence.

I’m not sure what it is you’re asking in this letter. This feels more like an internal dialogue. You’re almost 60 and I’m guessing this guy is, at the youngest since he’s working on his PhD, close to 40 or in his 40′s. What are you hoping for here?

The guy is clearly cheating on you/using you. And you’re letting him. You have all kinds of proof that he’s dishonest. Yet now it sounds like you’re considering going back to him. My guess is he’s looking for someone to sponge off as he finishes school. So, if you’d like to be that person for him, go ahead.

I really don’t have too much to add to this. If anything, this letter makes me sad and and makes me wonder what the point of offering any advice, ever, really is. Almost 60, alone and clinging to some obvious bottom feeder.

Where did it all go wrong, do you think? Do you think she knows she’s not just settling but in full-on delusion mode? Or do you think this is how she’s rationalized every pseudo-relationship she’s ever had?

I read articles every day that make me scratch my head and wonder how someone can go on date after date, experience disappointment after disappointment, and learn absolutely nothing. They get tripped up on the most simple of things. Well, wait. At first, those things don’t appear simple. I can sympathize for someone who gets all tongue tied because someone asks them when they’re last relationship was or how long it was. But then I learned to realize that people who asks such inane questions are really just revealing their own limitations. I also learned to lie my face off, offer a vague answer that isn’t quite a lie or effectively change the subject.

I developed Dating Survival Skills.

I learned not to care so much.

I learned to say no.

I learned to own my choices.

I learned to accept the path that I was on and that, maybe, I wasn’t supposed to be with anyone at that particular moment, which gives a whole new meaning to the title of this column.

I learned to stop seeking validation.

I learned how to identify when I just wanted attention versus genuine affection.

I learned how to walk away and not need to “win.”

I learned how to own my shit and how I contributed to the outcome.

I learned how to decipher what men really meant when they said certain things and what those things said about them.

I learned how to filter.

I learned to accept that I may very well never settle down with anyone…and that’s okay.

I learned how dangerous loneliness can be if I let it rule me instead of just feeling it and believing that I was just lonely in that moment and that it wouldn’t last.

I guess I just wonder how people manage to get by when they don’t develop ANY of these skills. How do they recover from another frustration? Do they recover? Or do they just spiral down some dirty, dank rabbit hole until the hit the bottom?

Is that who you want to be? Is that what you want for yourself? Do you want to sit on the ground, your head spinning, looking around and wondering how you got there?

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Commitment, Dating, Dating Lies, Dating Over 40, Happy & Healthy, How SATC Ruined Women, NEXT!, OKCupid Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Decoding DTF Speak

August 22, 2012 by 16 Comments

Cruising for casual sex or casual relationships on the internet ain’t easy.  There’s a lot of decoding and deciphering that needs to be done.

“So…what are you looking for?”

To their credit, most men won’t just come out and say that they just want to have sex with a woman. They’ll hint.

Translation: Wanna f*ck?

That’s it.  There’s no need to analyze that. Even Socrates would tell you it doesn’t require that much thought. It’s very simple. They’re trying to direct the conversation towards what they want. They only ask a woman what she’s looking for so that she will ask the same in return. That way, the guy can make his admission without looking crass. It’s a strategic move.

Queries like this are especially common in online dating. People, men and women, tend to speak in a special language, avoiding any reference to actual sex. The ones who don’t are banking on people giving them props for their “refreshing honesty.’ Guys, especially. Women fall for that all that time.

‘Oh, at least he’s upfront about what he wants.”

You don’t understand. Those guys are either completely social oblivious or are being manipulative. They are preying on a woman’s desire to finally get “the truth” because those women are almost assuredly a Sure Thing.Women who offer up similar confessions in their profile come off as trying way too hard to sound “like a man” or “cool.” The funny thing is that both men and women tend to speak about their sexual desires in ways that they believe will turn on the opposite sex, but will actually turn off the people they seek. Men who refer to “toe curling’ sex and giving massages and women who talk about “fucking’ on the kitchen floor end up alienating possible lovers with such terminology or attracting the people they don’t want. A guy who talks about how “toe curling” the sex will be with him ends up attracting the woman who has learned everything she knows about sex from soft core porn and romance novels. Women who use crude references usually draw to them crude men. Keep that in mind.

“I think we’re looking for the same thing.”

Translation: Wanna f*ck?

Again, that’s a very straight forward yet round about way to respond to someone’s ad who makes it clear they’re not looking for anything serious. Keep that in mind, because that is how many people interpret a sentence like that.

Now, what if you’re dating online and you’re not looking for anything serious? How do you avoid all the possible emotional landmines?

Unfortunately, it’s very different for men and women. I’ve done numerous tests with profiles to try and gauge how successful being upfront really is.

For Men: The irony here is that women who repeatedly get faded on or pumped and dumped tend to find these guys endearing. Then, of course, they find themselves sobbing into their Merlot crying about how dishonest men are. Even when the men are honest, these women still manage to interpret their words incorrectly or give these men way too much credit. Guys who include a statement in their profile about not looking for anything serious tend to end up attracting the women who do want something serious, but think they can handle something casual. There’s really no way to weed those women out unless there is a glaring red flag or two in their profiles. I would never reply to a man’s profile if he only chose casual sex as an option. You know what you’re getting there.

For Women: It’s a crapshoot. It really is. Sure, you get several times the average number of responses. But most of them are from men that clearly can’t get laid to save their lives or who wouldn’t bother with you otherwise. There are a few stray decent options here and there. But that’s a lot of filtering. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work the same for men and women. Men can select casual sex as an option and probably don’t get as many lewd propositions. Of course, men are also less bothered by such messages. Women have to stick with short-term dating. If a man really wants to get laid, he doesn’t care if the woman ‘uses” him. Not so for most women. They don’t like the idea that a guy would sleep with them but not date them. Those are probably the toughest guys to spot because they tend to say all the right things. All you can do in those situations is go with your gut and your desires and decide ahead of time that, however things roll out, you won’t care. And if you’re truly looking for something casual, you won’t. Sadly, there really are no sure fire signs he’s never going to call again. Other than, of course, he doesn’t say he’ll call you. Then you know. But by then, it’s probably too late. There’s no point in asking if you will hear form him again because he’s probably going to lie just to avoid possible conflict and to get laid.

I don’t agree that men and women are judged differently for being upfront about wanting or seeking casual sex or a casual relationship. The women who see men who are that upfront as pigs will obviously judge the women similarly. Those women are sluts, desperate, etc.  I also think that even some of the more sexually liberal men might be taken aback by a woman who is that open about her desires. But then, that’s about their egos more than anything else. They want to believe they’re the ones who inspired the woman to turn “slutty.” It sucks that we can’t be honest. It really does. But that’s just how it is. You can try to be the one who breaks down that barrier if you like. Just be sure you’re okay with essentially using the lure of sex to get a guy’s attention. Because, that’s what many men will assume. Either that or they’ll assume you’re DTF. If you’re not, it’s best to leave such wording out of your ad.

So…do you use the internet to get laid? How? What were the results?

 

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Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, OKCupid, Online Dating, Servicey!, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

This Is How To Get Past The First Date

August 7, 2012 by 49 Comments

Name: Cheerios
Age: 33
State: NY
Question: So here’s my latest dating gripe. A guy from an online dating site wrote me and immediately wanted to exchange numbers. I’m down for that since I’m a fan of meeting up as soon as possible to test the chemistry waters. We exchanged two emails, and then spoke on the phone. The guy called me at 10:30pm on a Monday night, though he did ask first if that was ok (being it was so late) and I agreed (maybe I shouldn’t have). We had about a 10 minute conversation at most, and from that short talk he determined we wouldn’t click. Really? Now we have a 10 minute window (on the phone no less- not even in person!) to make an impression??? The conversation was fine, a little awkward as most first phone calls can be, but nothing overly bad/good. I’m just so over the online thing. Everyone is so judgmental so quickly. Of course I’m wracking my head to think what I could’ve said that would’ve turned him off, but have no idea. He did notice I sounded tired on the phone (it was 10:30!), but we talked about where we grew up, went to college, a little about our jobs, about our birthdays, & that’s about it. Can’t figure it out.

 

Of course I’m wracking my head to think what I could’ve said that would’ve turned him off, but have no idea.

That’s because you probably didn’t say anything particularly offensive or off putting. Like I’ve said before…the phone step is just a way for people to find something wrong with someone so that they don’t have to meet them.

Here’s a very simple rule of thumb. People who want to meet people meet people. They don’t want to hop on the phone after two emails at 10:30 at night. You were being set up to fail.

He did notice I sounded tired on the phone (it was 10:30!), but we talked about where we grew up, went to college, a little about our jobs, about our birthdays, & that’s about it. Can’t figure it out.

So then you discussed nothing at all relevant or interesting? Gee, can’t figure out why he might have determined you were boring. I mean, other than he sounds like he has no conversation skills and has poor social skills himself. This is why the phone step is a waste and if rapidly becoming another red flag.

We had about a 10 minute conversation at most, and from that short talk he determined we wouldn’t click. Really?

Let me let you in on a little secret. This guy was never going to meet you. He truly believes that he’s interested in meeting someone, flexible and oh so engaging. In reality he’s a snooze who is afraid to meet people in person.

It’s funny. The people who bring the least to the table seem to have the most opinions, disclaimers and required steps. They think everybody is boring, weird, strange, etc. Nope. They’re just hoping people won’t stick around long enough to see all their warts.

Stop being so boring and uptight. Develop a personality. Have fun. Stop going into every date with a checklist and all these phony opinions you’ve developed. Case in point:

I am not recovery, however, I personally don’t like to drink, perhaps because I am the daughter of someone who went through recovery?  And also just don’t crave alcohol or find it enjoyable…and it seems it’s very hard to find men out there that don’t drink, or suggest going for a drink on date 1, 2 or 3.  And if you don’t drink with them?  Some men don’t find it enjoyable.  Perhaps I am dating the wrong men.  I just find that society today is very fixated on getting intoxicated or drinking to be social…when I can have a blast and be social without drinking at all. – Eliza

Good grief.  Have a cocktail! You don’t have to get hammered. But geez…loosen up. Sip your drink and make conversation. Leave your judgey uptightness at home. It’s a first date. Not a Dick Cavett interview. The problem isn’t that they like to drink. It’s that you don’t. So either become more accommodating or only date men who don’t drink. Sheesh. Same goes for you guys with a chip on your shoulder about women who get alimony. Until something directly affects you or creates a problem, get over it. Some of you look for stupid things to hang your hat on and so you can blame other people, when the blame should fall squarely on your shoulders.

One thing that I notice when reading  profiles is that many of people either try way too hard to sound dynamic or come off like complete shut-in bores. You have to find a middle ground. Lean how to be engaging, both in writing and in person. Try to make your likes and hobbies sound interesting and, dare I say, sexy.

Here’s an example:

A quick glimpse into a day in my life:

*Early morning work outs that get you energized for the day ahead

*Fumbling around my kitchen trying to make blueberry pancakes with bananas

*A hot shower that includes coconut scented body salts (or vanilla. I love both.)

*Walking my eager pooch who manged to snag a couple bits of faux blueberry pancakes

*A few hours scratching things off my To Do list like call back Client X, write up a spec sheet and send you a flirty text

*Kicking off my shoes after a day’s work to jump into a sundress and flip flops to meet a girlfriend for wine and catch up at her place.

*Joining friends for a Mash-Up potluck dinner

*Catching up on the latest episode of Fringe, The Walking Dead or Mad Men

You can take an ordinary life and make it sound intriguing. It’s all in the way you write it.This woman sounds fun, laid back, sexual, active and social. That’s the woman that men like to date. She’s also not afraid to encourage a man to picture her naked. That’s what men want to see.

Same goes for the guys. We don’t want to hear about your job or your travels. I completely agree with the people who roll their eyes at those who list out all the places to which they’ve traveled. Don’t care. And we definitely don’t want to hear about your kids.  Leave the self-important humblebraggery for your blog or diary. I remember reading a guy’s profile once. He had posted quotes from women berating him in response to his profile. He was so proud of being considered an asshole. Not attractive.

Oh, and another tip? Stop listening out all the bands you love and books you’ve read and your favorite movies. Instead, use quotes from songs, movies, and books. That’s a great conversation starter and will keep people invested in your profile.

Of course, you should actually include things that you do regularly. Don’t lie (too much.) But hey, a white lie wouldn’t hurt, as long as it doesn’t involve you conquering a goal that there is no way in hell you have even tried to reach let along worked towards before.

Just..be interesting.  Make people want to hang out with you and think you’re fun. And then? Be fun! Forget the interview questions. Forget the rules and the lists. Go get tipsy! Make out at the bar. Play music on the juke box. Dance a little. Try a food you’ve never had. Take a risk!

Here’s another suggestion….don’t ask someone what they do for a living either in the initial email stage or on the first date. Let them tell you what they do. I double dog dare some of you to do that. No, you’re not making conversation. You’re trying to find out what their financial situation is before you’ve even kissed them.  Do you know why you do this? Because you have stunted social skills. I’m telling you…that need to size everybody up and down before you even determine if there’s a mutual attraction is keeping you single. If you can financially support yourself, and the other person doesn’t appear to be a deadbeat leech, then there’s no reason to focus on their financial/professional situation so early on in the relationship.

Learn how to make conversation. Not polite party conversation, either. Talk about things you love, that get you excited. Show your dates that side of you. Who cares if they know nothing about it?? Educate them. Make them want to learn more..from you.Encourage them to talk about stuff they enjoy. Forget about the interview questions!

Stop worrying so much about making a stellar first impression. Don’t go overboard, of course. But don’t be so worried that they won’t like you because you snort when you laugh, love Big Brother enjoy a greasy cheeseburger.

Bonus tip? Ladies, wear something fun and flirty on your dates. Sundresses are a big plus. Men LOVE sundresses. I just bought about 4 new ones that I can not wait to wear. Show a little skin.  Stop being so uptight and being offended so easily. If he says something that gives you pause, brush past it. If he keeps trying to force the conversation a certain way, then leave if it makes you uncomfortable. But at least see it through, if only so you can better learn how to handle such situations.

Every date is more practice for the next one. People should go into every date wanting to enjoy themselves and be good company. Where we go wrong is expecting our date to impress or wow us and forgetting that they are expecting the same in return.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Dating Skills, OKCupid, Online Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Online Date When You’re Not Attractive “Enough?”

July 29, 2012 by 86 Comments

Moxie, I suggest that you finally deal with the fact that you are not beautiful. I know it stings, and it seems unfair. – Anna

Well, I’ll disagree with you there. I happen to think I’m quite beautiful. As I’ve said before, I was blessed with great genes and features. I happen to think my facial features are quite stunning.

I think what you meant to say was that you don’t believe men find me beautiful. I would have to agree that many men do not find me subjectively beautiful. I’ve spoken before of the fact that I’m someone who becomes more attractive when you meet them. As far as a one dimensional profile goes, I’m about a 5 or a 6. In person I can shoot up to a 7. Maybe a 7.5.

This means that, as far as online dating goes, I have to be more proactive. I would get a number of men who look at my profile two, three, five times. They’re trying to determine what I’d look like in person and whether they were attracted enough to meet me. When I switched out my photos awhile back I had three different guys who, in the past had viewed my ad multiple times, contact me. Ahh. NOW I was attractive enough. NOW I was worthy of those precious 60 minutes of cocktail time. (No, I didn’t meet them.)

That, my friends, is what online dating has become. Take a look at your visitors list. See all those people, most of which you find greatly unattractive? Those are the more proactive users of that site. See, they are proactive because they have to be. They have to message people, because they’re probably not getting many if any messages. They do not fall into the 7,8, 9 category. Not on paper, at least. In person, they might. Unfortunately, most people aren’t willing to spend an hour or so to meet someone who might be a 7, 8 or 9. So the trick is finding people to whom you are a 7,8 or 9. Unless you like singing for your supper. In which case, have at it. The reason you don’t see more attractive people looking at your profile is because those attractive people aren’t looking at your profile. They’re probably not looking anybody’s profile. They’re just waiting for you to contact them. Personally, those aren’t the people I like to meet. I only prefer to meet the people who take initiative. It leaves me with fewer options, of course. But I’d rather fewer, more quality options than chasing around people who have no intention of being caught.

That other segment of people? The ones you message that don’t respond? Yeah, they’re not as proactive. They don’t have to be. They’re either being inundated with messages or they have no intention of meeting anyone anyway and just want to see who contacts them. They’re the 1%. The rest of us? We’re the 99%. When you can accept that, you’ll have much more success. That I can promise you.

Generally, my view of women who message first is that they are of lower value than the ones you have to work for. Completely illogical, but that’s the impression I get. Especially if she’s older, overweight and not so attractive. I generally don’t reply to those, but I can see how some guys with approach anxiety would get an ego boost from these broads. – Dan

I don’t happen to agree with Dan. But, sadly, this is how many people on these sites think. Of course, it speaks volumes about their own ego, self-loathing and self-esteem, but we’ll pretend that isn’t a factor for a moment.

And the truth is that most people are average looking if not hideous trolls, and don’t have so many options as they believe – even guys who dissect body parts and provide criticism on blogs. Most guys are happy to get sex once in a while. So, you’re the exception? Who cares.- DMN

DMN suggested it once, and I scoffed at first, but I’ve come around to his Svengali-like ways. I’ve stopped cold calling on these sites. It began to feel like wasted energy. I only contact people who viewed my profile, favorited me or rated me highly. Of course, I also only messaged with men who contact me first. I was pleasantly surprised when I showed up for a date a a little while ago and the guy looked completely different than his photos. In a good way. In fact, he looked quite  a bit like an actor I’ve swooned over for some time. Bonus.  Had he not contacted me, I probably wouldn’t have met him. But, see, I’m a 5/6 on those sites. I have to be more flexible. (But talk about a pay off. )

I’m not saying you shouldn’t take the initiative. You should contact people. I’d just suggest having little to no expectations in those cases, as the likelihood of them replying and being serious about meeting people and not just attention whoring is slim.

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