Kim is 34, slender and very attractive. She works for a prestigious government agency. Her profile made her sound genuine, confident, positive and outgoing. She recently moved from DC to NYC and has since gone back to DC. When she was using OK Cupid here in Manhattan, she was emailed by a guy we’ll call Jay.
Jay was 35 and an actor. He was also strikingly handsome. He didn’t bother to fill out his profile at all. He just posted a series of photos, many that had obviously been used for a modeling portfolio of some kind.
On their first date, Kim and Jay met at a bar or drinks. Jay’s credit card was declined. His wallet had been stolen, he said, and he must not have called his credit card company to activate the replacement. On that date, Jay confessed that he didn’t give Kim his real last name. Concerned, Kim went home and paid for a background check on Jay. She discovered a list of petty offenses – DUIs and the like. She told Jay that, due to her job, she couldn’t continue to see him.
He told her he understood, but came back around a couple weeks later asking for a second chance. Kim gave him one. Their second date, Jay forgot his wallet and paid for their drinks with a $100 bill. A couple weeks later, Jay asked Kim for gas money. This was during the time that he claimed he was working on a film here in NYC with a well known, Oscar winning actor. They continued to date a handful more times before Jay disappeared on her.
During our session, Kim asked me if I felt there was something about her profile that made Jay think she was an easy mark. I told there wasn’t. Nothing in her profile set off any bells for me. I explained that the Jays of the online dating world contact anyone and work them the same way he worked her. That’s how they get by. Some women last for a few weeks. Some a few months. However, I said, the warning signs as to his intentions were quite clear from the get go.
He was an extremely attractive man using a free online dating site. (Yes, I know. A few of you will say that you consider yourself to be very attractive and use that site too. Congrats for hitting the genetic lotto and thank you for sharing. Glad I could afford you an opportunity to brag.) Add to that red flag the fact that he didn’t bother to fill out his profile. At all. Then there are all the photos of himself, some of which were professional shots. Jay is one of the “the rules don’t apply to me” people. He didn’t feel he had to fill out his profile. He was good looking enough that it didn’t matter. And look! He was right. Women replied to him despite having nothing on his profile other than some vanity shots. The people who feel that they are above following understood and accepted or even stated guidelines are displaying arrogance, laziness and a lack of genuine interest in the process as a whole. They do it because it works for them. Here was Kim, an intelligent, educated, attractive woman who worked for a government agency that specializes in sniffing out threats. And yet, despite all of her professional training, she not just missed but ignored the obvious warning signs.
Because he was really good looking. This guy dropped his bait into the sea of online dating with the intention of meeting a woman that he could con into paying his way. Because he’s arrogant, he assumed that all the women on online dating sites would be chomping at the bit to get a bite out of him simply because he was very attractive. If someone from a dating site emails you and one of your first thoughts is, “Why are they contacting me?” that should give you pause. You’re admitting to yourself that that person is out of your league. You will pursue it because you want to see if maybe, just maybe, you’re in a higher league than you thought. Like DMN said in a recent comment, clowns are everywhere online. But you have to learn the difference between the people who just aren’t terribly socially polished and the actual clowns. The people who text and email for days? They’re clowns. You can be upset at them all you like. The minute you decide to overlook their clownery, you become complicit in it and encourage them to continue this charade with other unsuspecting people.
This isn’t to say that all above average looking people who do online dating are shady. They’re not. Well, most aren’t. But the ones who don’t even fill out their profiles? Yeah. They’re shady. Same goes for women who show similar tendencies. Just a bunch of shots of her looking sexy with a couple incoherent lines? Shady. A profile full of disclaimers about what she expects and how she wants a guy who makes a lot of money? Shady. The sad thing is that these people have success. Those men and women will get dates and find the saps that they seek. They know their market, and their market is most definitely online.