You’ve given some excellent advice to a good friend of mine so she encouraged me to write to you with my problem.
I’ve been dating a guy I really like for a few months. We go out at least once a week (usually a Thursday or Saturday night) and talk on the phone/email at least four or five times a week. He tells me he is really enjoying getting to know me and I feel the same way. I am very comfortable with him.The problem is, we are not exclusive. I’m not dating anyone else but he is. He doesn’t talk about the other women but I know they exist because of the messages they post on his Facebook page talking about dates, etc. I know I should only focus on our connection but I have to tell you, it drives me nuts imagining he is with someone else. I know I need to deal with the situation or end it with him but with everyone using social media, I imagine I would have the same problem with any other guy I’m in the dating stage with. I want to know how other woman – and men – deal with this. Before FB, I could pretend these other woman don’t exist but now I can’t.By the way, I don’t post these kind of messages on his wall because I don’t want these other women to know about me.Sandy, 35, New York
Name: Curly Girl | | Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi Moxie,
I dated this guy for a few months last year but shortly afterwards, his job transfered him across the country. He did the fade away (I guess it was understandable. We weren’t serious or anything). I didn’t hear from him until earlier this year when he found me on Facebook and sent me a friend request. He started doing heavy flirting with me on his Facebook page, and I enjoyed it and flirted back. We then started IMing each other and we admitted that we did like each other back then and wished we had more tome together.
A few weeks into it, I got a message from a female friend of his who lives in my state. She asked me how I knew him, etc. I didn’t say much but she kept pushing the issue and told me they used to date (found out she was the woman after me), but he dumped her without a word. I ignored her and she went away.
A few weeks ago, a huge drama erupted on his Facebook page with her and another woman. They both accused him of playing them and leading them on. He came in and defended himself but the thread stayed up.
I never brought this up with the guy (although I found it odd no one came to his defense). BUT … he hasn’t defriended either of these women and they are all still friends on messenger.
Can you please explain what is going on? One women is in her 40s and thee others are in their late 30s. What are they getting out of this? And what’s up with him? Why did he contact me again and say he liked me? |Age: 37
Here’s a funny story….when Facebook switched their layout a few months back, it made some people’s photos vieweable to those that aren’t their friends. I was involved with someone particularly private. I don’t maintain any kind of social media connection with men I date, for this exact reason as well as for privacy purposes. So we never even exchanged FB friend requests.
Jesus Christ almighty, was that a game changer.
I saw pictures of his ex, his friends, his past..and those photos told me way more about him than I had known, even from conversation. You can tell so much from looking at photos. The ones of he and his Ex were the most telling. There he was, always looking straight at the camera, body turned out or away from her, her always leaning in towards him and touching him. It was clear that she was quite taken with him and loved him quite a bit. He looked…detached. There was something about his body language that struck me. It was…closed off. I was seeing a side to him that I had never seen before…and I didn’t really like it. I ended up telling him that his photos were now public just because I knew how private he was. I almost feel like he felt the power balance had somehow shifted. Now the “mystery” so to speak was gone, or had at least diminished somewhat. This is why social media and dating don’t mix. It takes away the fun of getting to someone. We also potentially project all of our “stuff” on to that person based on 140 characters, or college photos, or random status updates and Wall postings. Which isn’t to say that there aren’t times when what we glean from these micro-expressions of personality isn’t accurate. It’s just that as many times as we’re right, we are wrong. When we’re in those moments of infatuation, it’s hard to be objective. That’s why continuously reading and watching someone’s Twitter account or FB page can be really counter-productive.
Social Media has diminished dating to a one dimensional experience.
Who we are online isn’t always an accurate representation of who we are off line. (Although, to bloggers who say that they only share a “slice” of who they are on their blog, we reveal far more about ourselves than we realize. You’d be shocked at how accurately some people can profile us base don what we believe is innocuous information.)
There’s an easy solution to this, you know.
That way you can’t see what he’s up to or who he’s talking to. Or at least Hide him from your page so you can’t see who is posting what to his wall. There’s nothing that forces you to check his page, BTW.
The only reason you know this guy is dating other women is because you’re monitoring him. You have to wean yourself off of that. It’s just way too unhealthy. You don’t want to know what he’s up to. As I said to you the last time, the people who do things like this, write little cutesy notes on the Walls of the people they are dating, are just marking their territory. They want everyone to know that they have this particular person’s time and attention. It’s actually quite lame, in my opinion. It’s like the people who post a bazillion photos of just themselves and are always adding photos of just them to their pages. They just want everyone to tell them how attractive, cute, whatever they are. It’s exhausting.
This guy seems to trigger insecurity in women. Yes, you need to speak up and ask him where you stand. That’s what has you so fixated on his Facebook page. You’re looking for answers from his social network, but not from him. And he’s blithely (or not so) going about his days doing what he wants. I mean, it’s kind of ballsy of him to give all these women access to his FB page. He either is totally oblivious…or he likes letting these women know that he’s a free agent who will be tied down by no one. It’s rather manipulative, don’t you think? I mean..common sense would tell someone that it’s not the best idea to air that sort of private information. yet..he is. Why? And why are you still stuck in this place where he has all the power? You need to find your voice. You need to express to him what is making you uncomfortable. You also need to ask him what the story is with all these women. The problem is, it’s fifty/fifty whether or not he’ll be honest. So where are you then?
This guy is playing head games, and you’re falling for them. Right now, he’s controlling the progression of this relationship and you are a willing participant. He’s probably waiting for you to speak up and say something. That’s how he intends on whittling down his list of options. Take the control back by initiating the conversation. If he tells you that this is how things are he doesn’t plan on changing, walk. Yes, you’re giving him what he believes he wants. Who cares? You’re getting back what you need…control of your situation and your self-respect.