Going Down?

Article Roundup time!

Read this do you’re up to speed.

From the article:

It’s one thing to just not eat a pussy once or twice. Sometimes you’re doing other things and it doesn’t come up. I’m talking about these guys who barely even LOOK at your pussy, like you could bang this dude for a year and he would never once even get below your ribcage.

They should at least pretend, like that thing I always did on dates where I half-reached into my bag even though I knew the dude I was with was going to cover the bill. Act like you’re on your way down there but you just got distracted by the sweet Portishead mix or whatever. I don’t even love getting my pussy eaten, but it’s a matter of common courtesy, like being polite to waiters. 

After all, he doesn’t know I don’t love it. I don’t always want you to eat my pussy, but I want you to want to eat my pussy, you know?

I knew before I even read the comments how the thread was going to go. Lots and lots of braying about how no way, no how would she date someone who didn’t go down on her. Which, sorry, is bullshit. Really? If they quality of your sexual relationship with someone was great with that one exception, you’d dump him? You’re so ballsy! You’d “never” date a man who didn’t enjoy going down on you? What a crock. “My guy does it 3 times a week!” “Well my boyfriend can’t get enough!”  Oooh…competition! Seriously. What would women like this do if the internet didn’t exist for them to brag about their relationships and sex lives? How would they find women to dump on so they can make themselves feel better?

Here’s what’s really messed up: if a woman ever said she never went down on a guy because she didn’t like it, people would swarm around her and tell her that she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do, etc. Which, of course,she doesn’t. But if guys are expected to go down, then it would seem only fair if the same expectation was placed on women.

Then there are the comments where one woman admits she’s not all that fond of receiving oral and she’s shamed for it. “What?? He must not be doing it right!” Translation: All the men I’ve been with have been masters at oral therefore I’m better than you.

I often hear men say that they “love” going down on their partner. Yet I rarely hear the same coming from a woman, despite the fact that performing oral on a man is far easier than doing so to a woman. I honestly think that the main motivating factor involved with really enjoying this particular act is skill. If you’re good at it, you love doing it. If you’re not – or fear you’re not – you don’t. When women would talk about how degrading fellatio was, I always suspected that they just were insecure about their abilities or doing that adorable slut shaming thing. It’s fascinating to watch how so many women get defensive and even insulting when confronted with another woman who enjoys sex. You never see that kind of reaction from or amongst men. You just don’t. A woman who enjoys sex is a threat to most women. It’s as simple as that.

As for the topic itself, sans all the catty intra-gender competitiveness, I’m curious as to how everybody else feels. Would you continue to date someone – male or female – if they refused to go down on you?

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Are Anal Sex & Threeways The New Third Base?

A Troubleshooting session today involved an intriguing scenario. My client, a 37 year old female in NYC, asked me to share her situation here. Here’s the story:

Girl meets man on OKCupid. Girl is fresh out of a relationship and looking to casually date. Girl feels man is more sexually experienced than she is. The second time they slept together he asks her for anal sex. During a fantasy swapping session, he reveals his experience with threeways and anal sex.

My client’s question was whether or not anal sex and threeways were now expected options on the sexual menu.

Let’s answer this woman’s initial query. No, anal sex is not something men expect. Unless they are skilled in the ways of backdoor lovin’, anal sex is not especially pleasurable for most people. Done incorrectly and it can cause a great deal of pain and anxiety. Handled with care and a little flair, it can work. But that takes a lot of patience and understanding. For most men, getting straight sex is a chore in and of itself. They’re not going to make things harder for themselves by demanding or expecting anal sex. Will they take it if offered? Probably. But the do not demand it, nor do they judge a woman for not wanting or liking it.

As for the threeway, few men will turn that one down. I think most men make a play for the threeway. They usually start by asking a woman if she’s ever experimented or fantasized hoping it will open some Sapphic Pandora’s Box. Most guy’s won’t push for it, though. If they do, and you’ve made it clear you’re not interested, take that as a warning sign that they’re going to be looking elsewhere or that you and he might not be sexually compatible.

Now let’s attack the more concerning issue for me:

There’s nothing wrong with sharing sexual experiences as part of foreplay, which is what these two were doing. It’s actually pretty hot. You always run the risk of revealing too much and possibly intimidating your partner. You have to be sure they know that whatever you and they have been doing has been working for you and make sure they don’t feel like you’re pressuring them. I’ve often advised women here to reign in their prowess the first few times they hook up with a new partner. If you’re too good, they’re going to wonder how you got that way. Men are praised for the skills in the bedroom. Women are often chastised for it. Personally, I don’t date men who think like that. I find them tedious and exhausting. If I have to sit and worry about his fragile ego I’m not going to enjoy it.

Requesting anal on a second sleep over? What ever happened to tuning in to OnDemand and ordering a porn? Maybe throw in a facial for good measure? Christ on a Tricycle. That’s a pretty high bar to set for a new lover. He obviously told this woman that story for a reason. He wanted her to know exactly what gets him off. If she can’t live up to that, she should probably turn back now.

You don’t have to post a sexually explicit profile on OKC to receive bizarre emails from guys who clearly want to cam and jerk off or who just want to send random women pictures of their penis. Everybody has their kink or fetish. As long as everyone is on the same page and nobody breaks a law or gets hurt, it’s all good. For the record, I don’t consider spanking or anal sex or hair pulling or facials “kinky.” I actually think they’re pretty mainstream. I roll my eyes up into my head when I hear women bray about how kinky they are because they like to be spanked or have their hair pulled. Equally Yawnworthy are men who write those Christian Grey inspired dating profiles promising to re-enact scenes out of the movie Secretary. Oooooh. How 2002. Seriously. Just because you dated a guy who likes to call you a slut and spank you doesn’t mean you’re D/s (Dom/Sub) experienced. Whatever. Get shackled to a wall and paddled then tell me how kinky you are, kids.

I advised her to approach this guy with caution. There’s a big difference between a guy with a high sex drive and one with an insatiable sex drive. If he can’t be sated, then he’s always going to be looking for something beyond what is typical in order to get off. That could lead to some reckless behavior down the road. She needs to check in with him and make sure that he’s satisfied. He needs to do the same. If he’s pushing for anal that quickly, it could be that he’s become desensitized to “vanilla” sex.

 

 

 

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Do Nice Guys Give Good Head?

 

Know those guys that are too nice&always lose? You think they’re good at going down? And if so, if you’re the best he’ll ever eat, let him? – Heather

Well, first let’s discuss how you determine that you’ll be the “best” he ever ate? I mean…it’s a vagina. Does yours produce something magical? Is your vagina built differently that makes oral sex a mind blowing experience for a guy? I mean, it’s not like we actually do anything while the guy is down there. That’s all him whether or not we get any satisfaction out of it.Well, as long as we’re in the right mind set. You have to clear your mind and be willing to just be in the moment. You can’t be worried about smell or taste or picking up your dry cleaning.

I tend to avoid guys who sell themselves as world class lovers.  Oh, you have  a penis and you know where it goes? How exciting for you that you made it through 5th grade Sex Ed!

In any case, if you’re not feeling a guy because he’s “too nice” (read: weak) then I don’t think it’s right to let him go through all that effort it takes to get you off. Even if he begs. Which gives me a giant Sad in my naughty place. There really is nothing worse than a guy who thinks the way to a woman’s heart is through her clitoris. That right there is why he’s considered “too nice.” He’s trying too hard to seem appealing. If he genuinely were attractive to women, he wouldn’t have to do any of that stuff.

Do I think these men give great head? I’m going to say no. Great head, for both men and women, is all about confidence and desire. If these guys had that kind of fire burning inside them, they wouldn’t be deemed nice guys. Ladies, great head is about wanting to be down there doing it. It’s about a guy not having to beg for it or feel guilty for asking for it. Technique is secondary. What constitutes great head, to a man, is oral from a woman who enjoys it. Bam! There’s your answer. How do you get to enjoy it? You stop being afraid to fail at doing it and stop worrying if you measure up to previous lovers. Practice makes perfect, poppets.

“But..that would make me a slut!”

Not if you don’t tell everybody within earshot. The only people who throw around the “slut” word as a pejorative term are people who feel threatened by a woman or man’s sexuality. These people fear they won’t satisfy their partners like other lovers may have in the past. Or they’re worried that, if they don’t get up to speed sexually, they will lose out on finding a partner. Hint: You will unless you date someone who doesn’t like sex.

For women, great head is different. Getting us off takes a bit more knowledge and effort. A woman should either be willing to communicate what works for her or she should just shut her legs and send the guy packing. I find women who like to yammer on Twitter about how woefully unskilled men are at oral to be tiresome. We get it. You’re sooooooooo experienced and sexual and hot and naughty. Shut up already. The underlying message to critical commentary, one to which most women are oblivious, is that they are having sex with a guy who either a) isn’t sexually experienced or b) doesn’t care enough about her to get her off. Um..congrats?

Getting laid isn’t an accomplishment. Anybody can do it. If you have to bray publicly about your sexual exploits it is only to prove to people that you can actually get laid because you know there’s something about you that makes people assume you can’t. More Sads. Hint: You never see objectively attractive women do this. Same goes for men. Reading tweets and profiles from men going on about their prowess gives me Yawns. I immediately assume that they, like their female counterparts, have something working against them that makes unattractive to the opposite sex.

Let’s get to the heart of this particular matter, shall we? This wasn’t a real question. I mean, you framed and phrased it as one, but it’s not. It’s a #humblebrag and a way to get attention and let people know that you have options. You tweeted this, for Christ’s sake. Then you asked me to answer it. Are you really stumped by this so-called quandry?

If you feel comfortable enough tweeting it, then you should feel comfortable enough doing it. Crowd sourcing this answer doesn’t reflect well on you. Also keep in mind that sometime down the road a prospective partner might see that and make a judgment call. If you’re someone who does this sort of thing on a regular basis and you also find that men you meet disappear after one date or before ever meeting, I can assure you this plays into that outcome.

 

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Have You Been a Victim of The C*ck Bomb?

If you’ve been online dating for a few months and you’re a female, no doubt you have experienced the Cock Bomb. A Cock Bomb is when a man sends you a picture of his erect penis. Sometimes it’s out of the blue. Other times it comes on the tail end of a conversation or chat that has turned sexual. Either way, it’s not nearly as confusing or concerning as many women like to make it out to be.

As crazy as this might sound, some men just like the idea of showing strange women their penis. Before the internet, these men would hang out at parks in trench coats. Now they just sit in their boxer briefs, chub up and click send.

Here are some things to understand about the C*ck Bomber:

 

1. He’s TRYING to offend or shock you -Don’t try to decipher the method behind the madness of the C*ck Bomber. He doesn’t care if you’re put off. He wants a reaction.

2. He doesn’t necessarily find you attractive – The sub-text of any dating blogger’s “I just don’t get why men send me pictures of their penis” posts is, “Look how desirable I am!” Ladies, getting an unsolicited cock shot is not a compliment. It has no connection to your hot quotient. If anything, it usually means – sorry – that you’re not hot. Collecting pics of hard penises and comparing them when you’re out with your little gal posse for cocktails is the equivalent of a bunch of men whipping it out to see who has the biggest dick. It’s a contest to see who has the most and who has the best. And it’s sad.

If you find these types of solicitations gross and offensive, then it’s probably a wise idea to avoid chatting and texting off of the dating site. It’s definitely smart to abandon the conversation once any mention of sex comes up. I realize that some men just get a thrill from messaging a woman a shot of his penis or like to post profile pics of their oozing shaft to their dating profile. But some other guys are looking for more than just a reaction. They’re looking for stroke material. They’re hoping, with their not at all sexy or arousing dirty talk, that you’ll gladly join them in a virtual wank date. That’s it. You might as well be a Real Doll.

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What Are The Signs of Sluttiness?

Ladies–if you don’t think a man can tell pretty reliably if you’re a slut or not then you’re fooling yourself.  Its a sixth sense to men with at least a moderate amount of experience, especially if they’ve been exposed to the red pill.  Women have a sixth sense when it comes detecting beta behavior or weakness in a man.  Men have a radar for detecting the sluts.  A slutdar. – Gannicus

 

Oooh. Is Slutdar like Gaydar?

This comment has me muy intrigued. I want to know the signs of sluttiness. I even created a whole new slutty post just to discuss this slutty topic.

For real. I want to know how a man “knows” a woman is a slut. I want to hear alllll about this Sixth Slutty Sense. How does a man tell if a woman is “well ridden?”

Is it that she talks a lot about sex? The funny thing is that I’ve always believed that is was the women who talked about sex the most that actually engaged in it and/or enjoyed it the least. So when I hear a woman yammer about her omigod so amazing sex life or about whatever dude she’s boning or her super power of not getting attached after sex, I tend to think she’s either lying or delusional or both.

Is it because she actually has sex with you? That seems a tad hypocritical, don’t you think. If you’re sleeping with a woman you think is a “slut” then doesn’t that make you a big fat flaming slut yourself?

Even if a woman doesn’t talk about her sex life, she can still be accused of “spreading her legs for any guy who takes her on one or two dates.”  That’s female talk, though. Shaming language borne of personal self-hatred and misery for doing that very thing and being pumped and dumped more times than they like to remember. Or an expression of their own loneliness, as no man wants to have sex with them. Women make such accusations. They need to believe that any woman who puts out before they would gets dumped. If a man does stick around, it’s because she’s a slut. Because, see, sluts aren’t supposed to find love or be happy. They’re supposed to be used and discarded. Like they were. They’ve been told their whole lives that men don’t want a slut. Nothing would shake their foundation more than to realize that that was a lie. That it wasn’t the sex that got them tossed. It was their personality, or their emotional instability, or their neediness. Or, and this is the real donkey punch to the ego, that those men had sex with them despite not finding them attractive. It would mean they’ve wasted years of viable dating experiences. These women convince themselves that, because they don’t get blown off after sex (but they do get blown off), that they’ve somehow spared themselves some form of ridicule. They’ve won. They’re alone and they’re miserable. But at least they can say they didn’t have sex with a man who never called them again. That would be the ultimate humiliation.

So tell me, kids. I want to hear all your slutty theories as to how you tell a woman is a “slut.” I want to here quantifiable ways someone can tell that a woman is a slut. None of this “we just know” bullshit, either. Because my guess is that this is a case of over-programming and too much exposure to the wrong people.

Share, kids. Share!

 

 

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Reading Tea Leaves

Here’s a post I came across via @Urwingman.

The author, Nick, poses the question of whether or not porn is interfering with men’s/people’s dating success.

Almost every guy I talked to had the same reason for their dating struggles — they weren’t meeting enough girls. They gave excuses like “I don’t have the time,” or “I just don’t feel like it.” So, I pried further to determine where this lack of motivation stemmed from.

I found out that these men do have the time and energy to socialize with more women. This includes their lunch breaks, after work, on the weekends, and during errands. The glaring problem was that their daily routine included going home, pleasing themselves to porn, and then relaxing to play video games or surf the net…..

Consistent masturbation to pornography stops men from meeting women.

I don’t know. I’m not so sure that porn really has anything to do with it. Doesn’t this speak more to the possibility that these guys just don’t have an overwhelming desire to date anyone? I mean, if masturbating sates a person’s desire for companionship, doesn’t that really speak to the importance they place upon a need for companionship more than anything else? Therefore, it’s not the porn that is the problem. Nor is it the accessibility and ease of wanking it. I would think it’s the person’s desire to interact and form connections with other people that is the issue. Maybe it stems from a fear of rejection or a simple lack of interest in dealing with the hassle of dating. I don’t know. But I highly doubt that porn is the problem. It might be an outlier, but it’s not the root cause of why these guys aren’t going out and meeting people. Personally, I think that if guys consider masturbation to be better than a real live person from time to time, there are much deeper issues at work. You can get off and have no desire to meet anyone in those few hours after, but that typically fades, doesn’t it? Sure, if you’re sitting at home pleasuring yourself every 4-6 hours on the clock, then that might be a problem. What’s keeping people from going on dates or meeting people isn’t that they’ve relieved a sexual urge. It’s that they’re probably depressed. Porn or no porn, that would still be a factor. The correlation being drawn here doesn’t really work for me. But then, I think most of the correlations we draw between certain behavior and an outcome are sometimes faulty and our a result of us projecting our insecurities or fears on to other people .

Take that post we discussed last month about the woman who wrote out a tutorial for other single women about how to find a boyfriend via online dating. She did all these things, like post a photo sans make up, and drew the conclusion that those very things are what attracted the guy she was dating. Yet she and this man had only been dating a few months, and he ended up breaking up with her not too long after her story went live on her site. (Mind you, one of them was how she liked to be spanked. So in that regard she might have a point.) Maybe if she had 3 or 4 relationships that came about due to this profile, then her theory might be true. But one instance does not indicate a pattern.

I was reading another story the other day about a woman who had been set up on a date by a matchmaker. From the minute the matchmaker informed her of the date, she went looking for clues to help her determine the guy’s level of interest. She followed the matchmaker’s instructions and placed an introductory phone call, then she sent him and email and he replied to that and they set up the date. But he didn’t contact her in the time between when they set up the date and the day of the date. So she show’s up at the restaurant and it’s pouring rain outside. She sends him a text to let him know she is there just in case he doesn’t know who she is. (Side note: the matchmaker didn’t send either of them photos of the other.) So 10-15 minutes go by and the guy shows up and she’s sitting at the bar. He finds her and she offers to go to the hostess to see if their table is ready. When she leaves he pulls out his phone, and he’s still checking messages when she gets back to their spot at the bar. Of course, she’s miffed that he “couldn’t wait” to pull out his phone then, yet didn’t manage to reply to her text just 15 minutes before. Never considering that, um, it was pouring rain outside and he was either walking in the rain and didn’t want his phone to get wet or just rushing to get to the place on time to meet her. Then she goes on to share that he kept stabbing his lemon and was pleasant enough, but…

So she offers to drive him to his car at the end of the date. She drops him off and they hug good bye and she says something to him about seeing him again. He gives a vague reply. He never calls her again.

Let’s rewind for a moment. So he did all these things that apparently annoyed her…yet she still wanted to see him again? Okay. Here comes the part where we play what my friend M. calls the “reading tea leaves” game. That is when we review the dates in our heads and pick out things that serve as “evidence” to support our rationalizations. Her findings? He was unavailable. Based on the things he did that I mentions above, he was an unavailable guy. It wasn’t as simple as the guy just wasn’t into her. It became about all the negative things he did that proved that the outcome had absolutely nothing to do with her.

We do this, thought, don’t we? We look for causes and effects and correlations? We do all kinds of what some people refer to as “unethical research” in order to come up with definitive explanations. I think we do this because we need to connect  a bunch of insignificant and innocuous dots rather than face the truth.

 

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What Do So Many Men Like To Talk About Sex On a 1st Date?

I have gone on 5 dates this year that were disasters. Immediately (within the first 15 minutes )they asked or hinted that they’d like to sleep with me before even making decent conversation. – Ariel

I have tried before and seem to attract very sweet, attractive men who don’t know how to take care of themselves….not to mention…managing a woman OR men whose conversation is nothing but sexual. – Gina

 

Okey dokes. I want to get to the bottom of this. What, exactly, are these men saying that have ladies believe that they are “just” trying to get into their pants?

Is it me or does this seem to be a very common complaint?

I have a few theories about this phenomenon. Feel free to express your thoughts.

1. The women voicing this complaint are using sex or the idea of sex to sell themselves online. When the man takes the bait, the woman sees that as a sign that he “just” wants sex. Self-fulfilling prophecy at work.

2. The men are horribly socially awkward and don’t realize that what they’re saying is inappropriate.

3. The men are testing the women to see how uptight they are or using inflammatory statements to try and control the dynamic and make the woman vulnerable.

4. These women are picking men based on looks and charm, and probably delving out of their league a bit, and the men are taking them out hoping they can get them in to bed with no interest in anything more. Therefore they don’t care if they offend the ladies with their sexual commentary.

5. These women are all making this all up so that they sound less rigid and picky.

The only time any guy has made any kind of sexual comment towards me on a first date is when I have done something to give him the green light OR because he assumed what I did for a living made me more sexually liberal.

I admit that the persona I have developed has probably forced me to grow a thicker skin and therefore I shrug most of this stuff off now. I also tend to avoid the guys who make their lack of social graces obvious in their profiles or in their email exchanges. Any whiff of too much innuendo and I bail.

I mentioned a few months ago that an ad for Match.com caught my eye. In the commercial, the woman was saying to the man that iPhone users have more sex. The man replied and said he had an Android. The woman laughed and said, “Too bad for you.”

Now, it’s weird to me that a) they would show this exchange at all given how sleazy it could make online dating appear, especially given Match’s recent legal issues surrounding sexual predators using their site and b) it was made to seem as though the woman was the one to initiate the conversation. What are potential users supposed to take from that ad? According to two close male friends, that is a pretty accurate depiction of many of their first online dates. Yet we rarely hear men complain that a woman was tossing around sexual innuendo over cocktails.

I am not saying that I don’t think men who make lecherous comments on a  first date don’t exist. What I’m questioning is how it is possible that so many women seem to have the exact same experience and whether their perceptions are accurate.

So…what do you guys think?

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Is Slutty Really Such a Bad Thing?

Name: Linda
Age: 39
Question: My last relationship was very sexually intense. My Ex and I were very sexually compatible and had similar interests. I’ve been dating someone new for about 6 weeks. He’s more reserved than my Ex. The sex is great but I want to incorporate some of my fantasies into it. When is the right time to ask him for certain things i.e. facials, porn, etc? I feel shy and embarrassed asking him for what I like. I don’t want him to think I’m slutty.
Age: 39
State: NYC

 

Oh, sweetie. It’s never too soon to ask for a facial. :)

I think there’s a difference, at least in a man’s mind, between a “slut” and a woman who is “slutty.” My belief is that most men like “slutty” women. And yes, they’ll even date them seriously despite what you’ll hear out there from your girlfriends and insecure men.

You never want to deny yourself pleasure in this area for the sake of not looking “easy.” The trick is to make the guy think he’s the one who inspired this sudden, slutty turn. You don’t want to say something like how you love it when men do XYZ. The reasons should be obvious. While he might enjoy that one particular act in the moment, at some point he’ll imagine some other dude doing that. That kind of takes the fun out of it.  The guy knows he’s probably not the first guy to do these things to you. He just doesn’t want to know it. Catch my drift?

As far as the timing, you obviously shouldn’t be pulling out the bag of tricks after one or two dates. Get to know each other first. Find your sexual groove. That in and of itself can be fun. A lot of people have secret fetishes and fantasies that they’ve never shared because they’ve never felt comfortable. So start there. Ask him about his fantasies. Open up the dialogue that way. Then share yours. Just leave any mentions of past lovers out of it. Tell him that when you fantasize about such and such, he’s the man in the fantasy. Best time to do this is when you’re in bed. Obviously. Maybe you’re revving up for a session and you just come out and ask him what he likes.Ask him if he’s every been with two women. That usually kick starts the conversation. Once you get them going down that path it’s pretty easy to tell him you want a facial. A facial seems tame in comparison.

Ooh. I know. Here’s something fun. On your next date, excuse yourself and go to the ladies room. From there text him how you have been thinking all night of him doing XYZ., so can we pay the tab when you get back and get out of  here? There are all kinds of ways to make this fun and open his eyes to what you like. Send him erotic photos. Tell him you had a dream or fantasized about him that night or morning. Write out the fantasy and email it to him.

As long as you and this guy have established a good sexual rapport and the basic foundation is there – attraction, compatibility, mutual respect, arousal – you should be fine. But watch for any comments he might make that sound like judgments. As I’ve said before, any time I saw a man’s OK Cupid profile and he states that he doesn’t or won’t have sex on the first date, I roll my eyes and clicked the back browser. Same if he said “yes” to the question of whether or not there is such a thing to having too many sexual partners. He’s either lying or he’s insecure. If you are going to answer those questions, and I don’t think you should, be honest. Those men need to realize the type of women they are scoring points with – the ones who need to feel “special” or who denies that they’re “that kind of girl.” Let me tell you something…most of those women? They’ve taken a number of blasts to the face. I can assure you of that. So you ultimately end up with a woman who is either completely disinterested in sex, makes you work for it  or who denies that she likes it.

For the guys who say they insist upon only seriously dating women with a low partner count, I’ll say this. You’re either  woefully sexually inexperienced yourself or just plain bad in bed.  Same goes for the ladies. If you shun a guy for his level of sexual experience, it’s not because you think he’s a “manwhore.” It’s because you fear you won’t measure up or don’t like sex and don’t want to be expected to have it very often.

There. I said it.

 

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Are You As Good In Bed As You Think?

I was reading an interesting article today entitled, “Ladies, You’re Not As Good As You Think.”

The author, Chris Jones, was giving the ladies a little what for about trying a little bit harder in bed.

I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there. That’s only natural, of course. There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.

This goes both ways, of course. Good sex has many definitions and is often subjective. What’s good to some might be meh to others. What one person considers “kinky” might be vanilla to another person.  I often read articles written by women who go on and on and about their supposed kinks and think, “Really? That’s kinky?” Like spanking or having their hair pulled. To me, that’s vanilla because those activities seem so common.

I think a lot of us believe that we’re much better in bed than we think. Because, let’s be honest, who is going to tell us we’re not?  I also think we can delude ourselves into believing that sex with a certain person was far superior than it actually was. We’re sure that they are experiencing what we are experiencing in that moment. Sometimes they are. But just as often, that look on their face isn’t lust or passion. It’s wonderment. You’ve become an experiment to them. You just don’t know it. You leave thinking that the chemistry is more powerful than it is. But it’s not. And they are not nearly as skilled as you believed. They just allowed you to lie to yourself while they lay back and reaped the benefits of your delusion. Once that haze clears and you see things as they are, you realize that they actually contributed very little to the experience.They did not possess any kind of skill. Just a willingness to let you do all the work.

Then there are the times where you waltz into an experience believing you brought more to the party than you really did. Your lover requests a certain position that is foreign to you, or requests an act that you’ve never tried. Yes, I know. You once felt that girl’s boobies in college, maybe you even slid a hand down inside her panties and wiggled it around a bit. Or maybe you dated a girl in college who once tied you up and had her way with you while playing Madonna’s Justify My Love or Erotica in the background. (I still have that image burned in to my brain after walking in on a college roommate trying that one.) There’s a vast difference between those occasional experiences and living a lifestyle.

We thrill at the idea of a man telling us to get down on our knees so he can give us a facial. We embrace that “slutty” side of ourselves. But when he asks if he can tie you up and make you watch as he has sex with another woman, that’s a different story. Those are the moments where we become acutely aware of our boundaries. But which boundaries and other outliers help us decide who is bad, good or great in bed?

There are two red flags for me that I believe hints at a person’s lack of sexual technique and desire.

First? They brag.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m wary of a man who goes in to any kind of detail in his profile about his sexual prowess and appetite. The few times I’ve actually engaged one of these men, I’ve been greatly disappointed. People – men and women – who feel the need to tell people how great they are in bed rarely actually are. That’s usually bravado at work.  They need to believe they bring something to the table. Something where they are superior than their peers and competitors. I now equate someone’s bragging and broadcasting with “emotionally stunted.” Yes, they very well might give me a mind blowing orgasm. But they’ll also give me a headache from having to deal with their baggage and issues. The only way they know how to connect with another person is through sex.

Second?  They have  arbitrary rules that must be followed before they have sex or do something sexual. I was meeting with someone today (the woman I’ll be doing out Blog Talk radio show with starting in April) and we were reviewing online dating profiles for a show segment.  I told her that I was suspicious of any man who answered No to the the OK Cupid question about whether or not he’d have sex on a first date. I understand that many men will say No because they don’t want to look like they’re just looking for sex. I get that. But even that is an expression of insecurity to me. Either don’t answer the question at all, or say Yes. Call me crazy, but I would avoid the men who answer No to this particular question. Either they have “rules” they need to follow or they are so afraid of losing out on an opportunity that they lie. Sexual chemistry is in the top three must haves for a relationship. Without great (and frequent) sex, the emotional intimacy suffers. Equally important, especially for me since I have a strong personality, is a confidence and a comfort in their own skin.Equally suspicious are women who seek casual sex but refuse to have sex with any guy that they meet until they’ve had at least one meeting. Meaning they won’t have sex with them until they’ve met up at least twice.

 

So here are my questions do you, my dear readers.

1. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were great in bed and realized you weren’t as good as you think?

2. What signs do you look for that help you determine if someone is going to be good or not so good in bed?

3. Have you ever thought someone would be great in bed and wasn’t? What did you do?

 

I was reading an interesting article today entitled, “Ladies, You’re Not As Good As You Think.” 

The author, Chris Jones, was giving the ladies a little what for about trying a little bit harder in bed.

I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there. That’s only natural, of course. There is a spectrum of female lovers just as there is of men. The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car. Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.

This goes both ways, of course. Good sex has many definitions and is often subjective. What’s good to some might be meh to others. What one person considers “kinky” might be vanilla to another person. And so on. I often read articles written by women who go on and on and about their supposed kinks and think, “Really? That’s kinky?” Like spanking or having their hair pulled.
I think a lot of us believe that we’re much better in bed than we think. Because, let’s be honest, who is going to tell us we’re not?  I also think we can delude ourselves into believing that sex with a certain better was far superior than it actually was. We’re sure that they are experiencing what we are experiencing in that moment. Sometimes they are. But just as often, that look on their face isn’t lust or passion. It’s wonderment. You’ve become an experiment to them. You just don’t know it. You leave thinking that the chemistry is more powerful than it is. But it’s not. And they are not nearly as skilled as you believed. They just allowed you to lie to yourself while they lay back and reaped the benefits of your delusion. One that haze clears and you see things as they are, you realize that they actually contributed very little to the experience.They did not possess any kind of skill. Just a willingness to let you do all the work.
Then there are the times where you waltz into an experience believing you brought more to the party than you really did. Your lover requests a certain position that is foreign to you, or requests an act that you’ve never tried. Yes, I know. You once felt that girl’s boobies in college, maybe you even slid a hand down inside her panties and wiggled it around a bit. Or maybe you dated a girl in college who once tied you up and had her way with you while playing Madonna’s Justify My Love or  Erotica in the background. (I still have that image burned in to my brain after walking in on a college roommate trying that one.) There’s a vast difference between those occasional experiences and living a lifestyle.
We thrill at the idea of a man telling us to get down on our knees so he can give us a facial. We embrace that “slutty” side of ourselves. Many of us have even decided to take back the word “slut” and embrace it. But when he asks if he can tie you up and make you watch as he has sex with another woman, that’s a different story. Those are the moments where we become acutely aware of our boundaries.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m wary of a man who goes in to any kind of detail in his profile about his sexual prowess and appetite. The few times I’ve actually engaged one of these men, I’ve been greatly disappointed. People – men and women – who feel the need to tell people how great they are in bed rarely actually are. That’s usually bravado at work.  They need to believe they bring something to the table. Something where they are superior than their peers and competitors. I know equate someone’s bragging and broadcasting with “emotionally stunted.” Yes, they very well might give me a mind blowing orgasm. But they’ll also give me a headache from having to deal with their baggage and issues. The only way they know how to connect with another person is through sex.

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Which Has a Bigger Affect On Your Sex Drive – Age or Lifestyle?

One thing than no one has touched on is sex drives. Mine has gone up with age and I find this to be true of most of my female friends (except for those who never cared for sex in the first place). We’ve also found that men have lower drives as they age. I have a question for the guys who date younger: do you find this to be true? And do you find your sex drive to be an issue with these women who might be used to twenty and thirty something men who want to do it all night? I know about viagra but the desire has to be there for it to work. (I’m not trying to be combative, I’m really curious as this is never discussed!). – Marshmallow

 

I don’t know if it’s true that men’s sex drives decrease due to age. I don’t think age has as much to do with it as does lifestyle. I mentioned in a post once that one of the main reasons I didn’t date men in a  few certain career fields is because much of their job involves either very long work hours, higher than average stress as well as a lot of client coddling. And by that I mean drinking. That, more than anything else, is the main reason I never dated or could stay with someone who was a heavy drinker. Furthermore, I’m also wary of men who use anti-depressants or other medications. Why? Because all of those things affect both their sex drive and their ability to get and maintain an erection.

We’ve also found that men have lower drives as they age.

This possibly might just be another myth created by women to help them soothe their egos because they’ve been rejected. It could be that their sex drive has decreased. I’m sure age does have some affect. But it could also be that these men just didn’t want to have sex with you and your friends because y’all were older.

I know about viagra but the desire has to be there for it to work.

I don’t think that’s how viagra works. Anyone have an answer to this?

And do you find your sex drive to be an issue with these women who might be used to twenty and thirty something men who want to do it all night?

But were those women happy with that amount of sex? Sure, it’s a great ego boost. But who really wants to have sex “all night?” Yeah, in a new relationship you’re all over each other and waking up in the middle of the night or going at it in the kitchen while you’re cooking (so I’ve heard). But that eventually tapers off, doesn’t it?

Thoughts?

 

 

 

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