Originally Posted October, 2010 – 33 comments

Name: No kids |Location: NYC , NY |Question: I’m a 30 year old man who does not want children.  I  have not wanted children since I was a teenager but I thought that was normal and it would change. However, it has not. My brother and sisters all have children and while I like playing with my nieces and nephews, I’m glad to only see or babysit for a few hours. I basically spent my late teens and early 20′s raising one of my little sisters (10 year age difference) and I had enough of that.

I’m not a cold man; I’m very affectionate and I actually want to get married and have a house but I just don’t want children. I don’t want casual sex or one night stands. Basically, 98% of all of the women that I’ve ever known want children; if not now, then someday. This really hurts in dating.

My dating pattern is like this: I meet a girl, we get along, we go out on 3 or 4 or 5 dates (maybe have sex, maybe not) and then she asks me ab out kids. I do not and will not lie just for sex or a relationship so at that point, the dating ends. I don’t want to bring it up on the first date because that’s too much too soon. The girl almost always tells me how I must make a good boyfriend or would make a good husband (though I don’t know how they’d know after a few dates) but that is a deal breaker.

However, I’m really, really tired of going into a date thinking that all I can hope for is 3-4 dates and that’s it. So, I don’t really date much because I get too depressed thinking that it just won’t go anywhere anyway. I’ve had one long term relationship but that ended because at the beginning she said that she didn’t want kids also and then 8 months into it, she said she did. I loved her and also now I’m honestly suspicious of that too.

That was 3 years ago and I haven’t gone out with a girl past 5 dates since. I’ve been on dates with about 15 women in the last 3 years but it just always ends at that point and none of my friends know women who don’t want children so they can never fix me up. I don’t know what else to do. Where can I find women that don’t want kids (that, not to offend anyone, aren’t 40, or already have kids).

Are there groups or is that odd? Are there places with women my age (26-35). I am just really sad about this because I just don’t have any hope now for a future with a girl even though I’ve met some sweet and wonderful women but I know that it’ll never be. I like this site and you because you are always honest so any and all advice is welcome. Thanks. |Age: 30

I know there are some women out there in your desired age range who don’t want children. I’m not sure they’re as rare as you think they are.

You don’t want kids? That’s fine. But why are women 35-40 off limits? I’d think you’d increase your chances of meeting a woman who isn’t on the baby track if you aim for women a little older than 35.  If you don’t want kids, which is a deal breaker for a lot of women, then you need to start compromising a bit. You need to get over whatever biases you have about women over 35 and you need to start becoming more open to other options.

I do not and will not lie just for sex or a relationship so at that point,

But..you do lie. By not being honest about this very important fact early on (at least after a couple dates) then you are lying. You don’t have to tell the women on the first date. In fact, I’d advise against that.  If this is definite decision for you, and you’re sure of it, then you need to be upfront about it before the woman gets too invested. You don’t wait until after you have sex with women to tell them, Mr. I Don’t Lie to Have Sex. That’s just not fair and you know it.It’s an awkward conversation, for sure, but it’s one of those disclaimers you have to put out there for the sake of the other person’s feelings. That and “I don’t ever plan on getting married” or “I’m not looking for anything serious.”

If you’re doing online dating, I’d suggest changing your “Wants Kids” options on your profile to Maybe. Okay, so it’s really a No. Now. But you have to get your foot in the door somehow. You very well might meet someone who decides that she’s willing to forgo having children in exchange for meeting her ideal partner. Don’t presume to know what every woman you meet is thinking.   You should also widen your search criteria to meeting women with the same selection. Don’t only search for women who don’t want kids. Here’s a secret. Many of us say “Maybe” or even “Yes”even though we really mean No. Even if we’re set on not wanting children.  Let’s face it, some people still have it embedded in their brain that women are supposed to want children. Like I said above, there are plenty of women who have decided that they do not want children and feel very confident in that decision.  Don’t be so closed minded that you cut off your options. You don’t know what any truly wants or who anyone truly is until you meet them.

Also…How do you know you won’t change your mind? And why are you not open to changing your mind? Your reasons are yours, of course. But I’d be really sure that you’re not going to change your mind before you start crossing all these women, older and younger, off the list. Like I’ve always said, we decide what we want in our twenties, and by our thirties we’ve pretty much thrown a lot of those things out the window. We change. It’s never smart to close yourself off to any possibilities. For all you know, either you’ll change your mind or a woman will fall in love with you and decide that she isn’t as gung ho about having kids as she thought.

If you’re intent on sticking to this no kids stance, then I’d suggest going to Meetup.com and doing a search for Single and Childfree groups or going to Speeddating events for the 35+ crowd. But my main suggestion to you is to be more open in general. Be open to older women and be open to the possibility that you could meet a woman who might surprise you.

Now, there’s a second question that popped in to my head as I wrote this:

Would you give up your desire to have children if you met an ideal partner?