After a brief hiatus, I started reading the blog again and it has prompted me to send in a question for your review and dissection. One of the reasons I had stopped reading a few months ago was because it was clear to me the difference of opinion that I have on the whole dating process than both you and many of the regular responders. This is the reason, now, that I think it worthwhile to discuss this issue though.
I’ve been dating my current girlfriend just over 8 months now. Things are going well enough on most people’s standards, I would think. In no particular order: we spent the holidays with each other and each other’s family, my family and friends love her, we spend most weekends together and sometimes see each other during the week, she does a lot of “little” very thoughtful things for me, we have gone a couple short vacations together, and (at least from my point of view) I actually miss her when we aren’t together.
So, as we come closer to the year mark, I suppose we will start getting closer to actually looking towards long term commitment. We’re not too young (35 & 31) and I know that I do not want to wait as long as I did with my ex prior to moving to the next stage (whether that be living together/getting engaged etc.) She is currently looking to buy a house on her own. She lives with her parents (has for past couple of years) and will likely put a bid in on a house in the next couple of weeks. I rent an apartment which I will likely have to leave by the end of the summer.
She asks me questions about my opinions about the houses she looks at, but I am hesitant to answer them usually. I don’t want to give the impression that I am assuming I will be living there eventually also. But I would imagine due to our situations, that if she buys something and we do decide to live together the thing that makes sense would be for me to move into her place.
So I’ve been walking a thin line with giving input to her search. How do I go about being supportive in her decision, helping her figure out what is best for her without looking like I have a vested interest in the result? Obviously I want her to buy something that she’ll be happy with whether or not i remain in the picture, but I can’t help but think that I will be.
Also, if she was still at her parents house when i moved out of my current place, i’d likely inquire about living together upon my move. (considering the timing, etc.) If she is buying a house, I feel the asking to move in probably falls on her to initiate; how long do i wait after she buys the house to bring up living together or do I just totally wait for it to come from her? For the record, i very much need to live with someone prior to engagement – and she already knows this about me.
State: new york
Before I get in to my feedback, I replied to Chuckrock and asked him how often he and his girlfriend see each other and when they began to sleeping together. He said:
Well, almost every weekend we spend sat. afternoon through sunday night together. Sometimes (maybe once a month) we start hanging out on friday night (it depends on the pans for that particular weekend). Also, maybe every third week, we see each other one evening during the week for a movie or dinner or something like that. We are having sex. It took longer to get there than i would have liked, but did eventually get there and now we do almost anytime she stays over my place.We slept together around the 4 month mark but it didn’t become a regular thing until about the 5 month mark. I believe she put herself on birth control during this time and was more willing to once she was.
I’m going to maintain my original stance from way back when you first started talking about this woman. This relationship is pretty much non-existent. (ETA: To clarify, this doesn’t feel like a mature or adult relationship.)
I don’t put much stock in meeting family or taking trips together. It doesn’t mean much to me. As I’ve said, these are milestones that many people put a lot of stock in that ultimately mean nothing if there’s no genuine commitment behind them.
It’s been 8 months. You two see each other pretty much once a week save for the occasional week night sleep over or Friday sleep over. On top of that, it took her 4 months to have sex with you. Plus you’re not even having sex regularly when you do get together. How does any of this really help you determine true compatibility? You barely spend any time together.
We’ve spoken about the men who will “commit” to a woman and say he’s their boyfriend and do all the things that men in committed relationships are believed to do. Like invite women on trips and meet family. They do all of this knowing the relationship is temporary and will end. But it works for now and it’s better than being alone. The attention and companionship is nice, but not something they would fight for. As long as things stay low maintenance they’ll stick around. Spending 3 days with her family is a small price to pay for 3 months of simplicity.
I’m thinking that’s what your situation is, Chuck. To be honest, I don’t know how you could possibly be thinking about taking this further when many of the signs point to this being a dead end relationship or one of convenience for her. You haven’t even had a trial run at living together, nor do you have much consistent time together at all. That’s your next step. Not co-habitating.
To me, this feels like a situation where a woman wants a boyfriend, not a relationship. She wants someone to bring to holiday parties and meet her friends and who affords her the opportunity to say, “My boyfriend and I are going away for the weekend.”
Since she began her search for her home, has she at all discussed the possibility of you living there with her? If she hasn’t, why not? Is she waiting for you to broach the topic? If so, my suggestion is to bring it up. You appear to be the one thinking long term. She doesn’t. She seems to be functioning independently of you and of the relationship. That can’t be a good sign.
Throughout this relationship you’ve been letting her drag you around by your balls. Is that what you want?