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Why Doesn’t She Have Custody of Her Kids?

May 20, 2013 by 16 Comments

Name: Lou

Comment: I have been online dating for a few years and I do not have any kids. Most women in my age range have kids. But I have come across Fearful peek over a table something that is new to me. The woman I am dating for 3 weeks now does not have residential custody of her kids. The kids (ages 6,10,12) live with their Dad in the house she used to live at also. She  moved out and now lives about a mile from the house and sees the kids every day for a few hours after school and on the weekends. They sometimes stay overnight with her at her apartment on the weekends. She works 9-3 at her job which allows her to spend some time with the kids after school before the Dad gets home from work. Since they have a babysitter, she is able to leave the house before he gets home since they (her and her ex) always end up arguing when they see each other in person.

I have never heard of a Mom not living with the kids. In every case, if the Dad did OK financially , he would be the one to move out and then pay child support and alimony so the kids could live with the Mom in the house. Every single/divorced Mom I ever dated, lived with the kids and the Dad has visitation rights. This scenario is completely reversed and I don’t know what to think.

I know this is a potential red flag. Or it may not be a red flag at all.   She seems really cool, the sex is good and we have fun when we are together.  But I know part of me is judging her and this arrangement. I was wondering where you and your readers came down on this topic.
Thank you.
Age: 46
City: Buffalo
State: NY

 

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Signs You’re Dating a Guy With No Options

May 15, 2013 by 45 Comments

Name: Scared
Comment: I am with this great boyfriend. He is a hardworking businessman, with a passion for fishing. We live 200 miles needy-man - Signs Your Being Needyapart. He cares for me and spends a lot on buying me stuff.

I met him online a couple of years ago, and we got close over the months. Problem was, I was with my ex. We became good friends, chatted a lot through the phone and through the net. He hinted me that he liked me but I did not accept him at that point because I was still with my ex.

We did meet up but just as friends. Eight months after, me and my ex were having problems so we broke off. A month later, he brought his folks to meet me and things began to look serious. We took turns to visit each other. I even got to know some of his friends.

Then another month later, he invited me to a fishing trip with his friends at the end of 6 months. I agreed and he bought the plane ticket for me. However he told me that the trip lasts a week, and we are going with a whole bunch of his guy friends. I will be the only girl there. What really worries me the most is that during the trip, we won’t be able to communicate through phones so I will not be able to contact people on land.

Recently he got the hint that I am feeling nervous about the whole thing. He tries to persuade me, even by saying that he is willing to meet my family before we take off.

His intentions seem sincere but am I being paranoid? Should I follow him on this trip? Please advice, thanks.
Age: 26
City: Brooklyn
State: New York

 

Yeesh.  Who the hell brings their girlfriend along on a fishing trip with the boys? That alone would make me question this guy.

To me it seems that this guy has trouble meeting and keeping women. That’s probably because he’s so needy. Between buying you gifts to blowing up a boys weekend by dragging his girlfriend along, this guy sounds like he’s profoundly needy and insecure. Let’s address the red flags one by one.

He lives 200 miles away - Did all the women in his vicinity suddenly fall into a sinkhole or evaporate? He’s broadening his search that far because he has to. Women in his area likely don’t want him.

He hung around waiting for you to break up with your boyfriend – This, too, screams, “I have no options!” Only the most desperate of people would tolerate being treated as a surrogate gal pal.

He buys you things -  Again, I question any man who feels he has to buy my affections or impress me with presents of expensive things.

What really worries me the most is that during the trip, we won’t be able to communicate through phones so I will not be able to contact people on land.

Where is he taking you that you can’t use a cell phone? Who the hell goes on a fishing trip without making sure they can get a call out should something go wrong? There’s something off here. This guy lives hundreds of miles away, you’ve hung out with him a handful of times and now he wants you to go away with him for a week with his friends? What the whating what?

This guy isn’t a sociopath. He’s just clingy and desperate for a girlfriend. If that’s your bag, go for it. Just understand that this guy will eventually become suffocating.

What’s truly troubling to me is that you see absolutely nothing wrong with the behavior that this guy exhibits other than the fact that he chose a location for a vacation that doesn’t have  a cell signal. Is that really what’s troubling you? Because this sounds like a made up concern. I have to wonder if you’re real question involves the exact issues I’ve raised in this post. Are you uncomfortable with how available he has made himself? Are you maybe picking up on how cloying he is?

If so, that would make more sense.

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Dating, Nice Guys, Online Dating, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Would a Woman Choose a Sociopath Over A “Nice Guy?”

May 8, 2013 by 45 Comments

 

 

 

As inflammatory and baiting as this tweet was, there was some truth to it.

I do tend to agree that there is a specific subsection of women who are drawn to dangerous men. Whether they are aware of it or not, these women get something out of being victims. I don’t comprehend the complete pathology behind such attraction, but it’s naive to act as though it doesn’t exist. As I said yesterday, drama and attention is quite a draw. Those two things are used to fill the cavernous void that has resided within these women, some for a very long time. I don’t think a comparison can be drawn between those women and the one’s who are drawn to the run of the mill Bad Boy, also known as the Unavailable Guy or Player.While there are likely  similarities in the psychologies of both women, there are a few that draw a very distinct line between the two groups.

 

There’s no question that charisma and power are aphrodisiacs. But it needs to be made clear to these guys who growl on Twitter and forums across the internet that those women bring with them deeper issues. These men also need to acknowledge that part of their frustration is that  they,  guys not incarcerated or hiding in boats after a police man hunt, don’t get nearly as much pussy as some garden variety psychopaths. That’s the real complaint. I’d be happy to take part in more discussions with them if they’d just admit that. I don’t say that to bait these guys back. Truthfully, I find conversations like this exhausting and circular. I barely read the comments here any more because this blog has been infiltrated with people who desperately try to entice others into debating them using lame insults.

That said, let’s focus on the whole Women and Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy debate, sans all the talk about rapists and murderers.

The topic for this week’s Swexpert Twitter Chat is whether or not “nice guys” finish last. Some ideas were thrown out that I thought were interesting. First, some women posited that the reason why some females prefer Bad Boys is because women like a challenge. Other females taking part in the chat suggested that these dark and edgy guys bring with them an air of mystery.

Hmm. Likes a challenge. Likes mystery. Aren’t those things that women say that men prefer? Now we’re seeing where so many of these common dating myths stem from. I believe much of what women hear from their girlfriends is just personal projection and nothing more.

As I said in my piece for Role Reboot about the difference between Bad Boys and BadGirls, I think the true appeal of the Bad Boy is the potential to tame him. From my article:

The woman dating a Bad Boy probably won’t advertise that fact to her girlfriends. That is, not until she has shaped him into her ideal boyfriend. The Bad Boy is the Mount Everest of single men. Conquering him is an accomplishment. Then and only then will she come forward with the information that her man was once a player. A Bad Boy is only an asset if he can be reformed.

Most men don’t want to tame a Bad Girl. They want to experience her as is. Either she provides a welcome relief to the game playing most bachelors are used to or she is an experiment of sorts. In either situation, dating a Bad Girl comes with bragging rights.

As for the part about women needing to own their sexuality when it comes to admitting why they prefer “bad” guys, I’m not really sure sex plays as much of a part in this as these guys think. The core of the attraction, I presume to be true, is that Bad Boys and Players  can provide the woman with bragging rights and self-satisfaction.

As offended by a man’s number women claim to be, they’re secretly impressed with themselves for landing someone so desirable#swexpertchat

I think a lot of women like that a man has a lot of experience, but not because he might provide a level of sexual satisfaction to her that other men can’t. No, I think it’s as simple as she likes the idea of one upping other women. She got him. For now, of course. And when she loses him, she grieves equally the loss of her ability to lord him over her girlfriends and his presence. Yes, for some women, there is a fascination with being sexually overpowered. I just don’t think it’s the primary motivator for why so many women prefer Bad Boys.

We’re going to talk more in tonight’s post about fantasies and the lure that being dominated and degraded has for some women.

I’ll tickle your ass with a feather on that one.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating Myths, PUA, Red Flags, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man With An Ulterior Motive

April 10, 2013 by 22 Comments

Name: BB
:
Comment: Okay, so I have been dating this guy for about a month and a half. After two weeks of talking every day and three dates, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, so I guess I should say my boyfriend. We are a lot a like and we always have fun when we are together. He is always a gentleman. He opens doors for me, walks me to my front door at the end of the date, and always pays. We were friends in high school, and when I asked where he thought we would be if I hadn’t changed schools at the end of our junior year, his answer without hesitation: We’d be married. He talks about us having children and grandchildren. We haven’t had sex because he said he wanted to build on our friendship from high school first. We do kiss, and there is plenty of chemistry between us.

Everything was going really well until my birthday. I will say that for one of our dates before my birthday, he showed up two hours late. He said that he tried a different way to get to my house from his parents’ house, and he got lost for about twenty minutes. He apologized, and I accepted along with explaining that his showing up late wasn’t acceptable because an ex of mine would make plans and then never show up. Okay, back to the day of my birthday. He called and wished me happy birthday just after midnight, which was very sweet. We made plans for him to join my family and I for dinner. He called about two hours before dinner and said he was on his way, but never showed. He called me five days later, but didn’t offer an explanation as to why he didn’t show.

Then he stopped calling and texting for two weeks. He texted me yesterday and said he felt lost. I asked him why, and he said his family just lost his childhood home. Then he told me that he had given up his apartment, before we started dating, in order to pay his parents’ bills. The reason he gave up his apartment is because it became really expensive for him to pay the bills at both places, so he started living out of his car. His job is about two hours from where his parents lived. He said that he was sorry for not talking to me, but he wanted to figure out how he was feeling about everything before telling me what was going on.

While I understand that he definitely could have handled the situation better, I don’t think that anything that has happened should mean the end of our relationship.  My mom and sisters think his behavior has been horrible, and that I deserve better.

My question: Should his actions (being two hours late one time, not showing up another) speak louder than everything else? I need outside perspective.
Age: 29
City: Raleigh
State: North Carolina

 

I don’t think that anything that has happened should mean the end of our relationship.

You mean, other than the fact that he’s been living out of his car?

You seem to want to press on regardless of what’s going on in his life. That doesn’t really set a great tone for a relationship. What this all boils down to is that he can’t give you what you want. End scene. Lights are dimming. You don’t have to go home, but ya can’t stay here.

As I have said dozens and dozens of times: beware the man who commits too soon. 3 dates, no sex,  and he wants to be your boyfriend? Red Flag. I’ll take a wild stab and suggest that he very well might have been trying to line up a place to live because of his financial situation. I know. I’m so suspicious!

Regardless of what his modus operandi might be, the facts remains that this guy has already shown you that he’s unreliable and unstable in various ways. Yet, despite the obvious tell-tale signs that something is amiss, you still want this guy to be your boyfriend. All you appear to be concerned about is whether or not you and this man have a relationship. You don’t care that he’s lost, you don’t care that he’s homeless. What is consuming your thoughts is whether or not you have someone to call #omigahboyfriend.

What you’re asking me, in a nutshell, is if it’s okay for you to disregard the fact that this guy bailed on your birthday and didn’t call you for a week, then called, then fell off the face of the earth. My answer is: No. No it’s not okay that you look past that. The rest of the stuff is what you should ignore, as it means nothing. This guy rushed you into a relationship, probably for a reason other than because he truly cared.Now he’s backing out.

We haven’t had sex because he said he wanted to build on our friendship from high school first. We do kiss, and there is plenty of chemistry between us.

Adorable! I just want to pinch his cheeks and eat him up with a spoon! But, yeah. No. I’m thinking that amazeballs chemistry is in your head.

I will say this again. Any man that commits to a woman before they have sex and after so little time is suspect. Maybe you forced his hand some way. I don’t know. What I know is that someone that eager to solidify a relationship has an ulterior motive.

 

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Filed Under: Beware, Dating, Moxie 101, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Dangers of The Faux-lationship

April 8, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: Tom 
Comment: Hi,
I’m a gay guy, middle aged, I had taken myself off the dating market for several years due to depression issues,etc.  I finally got on a good antidepressant, moved back to my dream city and decided to engage in life.  I started online dating.  A guy from another city found my profile, said he was thinking of moving here and asked if I would have dinner with him.  I said okay.  We met, he worked for a major airline and was in town for the night.  He actually lived thousands of miles away but said he really wanted to move to my city.  It was one of those times when you meet someone and it feels like you’ve been struck by lightning, it was magic.  He said he felt the same way. Everything was great for almost two months. He visited a lot and we talked on the phone daily, he really injected himself into every aspect of my life.  He suddenly decided, without talking to his doctor, to double the amount of antidepressants he was taking. It totally changed his personality.  One night when we were on the phone, he had an ugly, biting remark in response to anything I said, I hung up on him. A few nights later, he became furious and started screaming at me over basically nothing.  He texted me a day later and said it was over.  He refused to speak to me for three months.  Though I mostly got over it, I needed emotional resolution.  In February, I sent him an email and to my surprise, he responded and said he missed me, also that he was off of the meds.  We started talking again.  I told him I thought he was one in a million and he said he felt the same way.  Being a hopeless romantic, I sent him flowers and said I wanted him back in my life.  He started calling me every day.  But it bugged me that we hadn’t talked about what had happened before. I tried bringing it up and he said, “oh, why dwell on the past.  What’s done is done, let’s move forward.”  We finally had a serious discussion and to his credit, he made me face reality, he can’t really give up his home, his career, his friends, etc, to move here.  There are a lot of logistical problems.  I can’t really move there either.  Moving where I currently live was my dream.  He said I would end up resenting him and that much is true.  We agreed to be friends and kept talking a couple of times a week, then more like once a week. I finally sent him a Dear John letter today telling him kindly but firmly that I didn’t think we should keep in touch because it’s emotionally confusing for me and I think he needs counseling because he won’t open up, never apologized for his actions, etc.  But I cried off and on all afternoon.  I don’t understand why I can’t get over it.  I feel like I met my soulmate and then got told, no, you can’t have him. I’ve tried dating other guys but it doesn’t feel the same.  He IS very, very good looking and we have great chemistry, but otherwise, there’s not much there.  Why can’t I move on and be happy?
Age: 50
City: Portland
State: OR

 

You can’t move on because you don’t want to move on. You’ve convinced yourself that everything this guy said and did was genuine and real. Sorry, it most likely wasn’t.

He probably knew all along he wasn’t going to move to your city. He was looking for a pit stop and he found one, and I have no doubt plenty of others. Typically when someone from hundreds of miles away contacts you on a dating site, they’re not looking for anything terribly substantive. I think you’re assuming that, because he flew to meet you and continued to email you and put in “effort,” that his interest must be sincere. You have to understand that if someone has the means to travel for weekend jaunts, they will. Also realize that trading emails takes very little energy or time. If they have the money, then spending it really isn’t that big of a deal. Gestures like these are not indicative of how interested they are.

You moved to your new dream city and you’re probably a bit lonely. You’re looking for a connection or some kind of companionship. This guy presented himself and so you jumped head first. Many of us have been there. Loneliness can encourage us to get involved in situations that ultimately aren’t good for us. Red flags were there, and like many of us do, you ignored them. Switching his meds without any advice from a doctor is reckless. This guy is a pilot? Jesus. Big. Red. Flag. Are you sure he’s even a pilot? I can’t imagine that someone with that kind of job would do that.

Whether this guy was speaking the truth about who he is and how he felt is irrelevant. It was fun for him for a time, then he pulled back. The reason? Who knows. You’ll probably never know. All you know is that this guy can’t give you what you want. You’re replaying everything over in your head trying to convince yourself that because he said or did XYZ, he must truly care or want you.  Do you know why? Because that is a hell of a lot easier to swallow than admitting to yourself that you were fooled or fell for a batch of lies.This is where the need for a back story comes into play. People come up with non-existent explanations and reasons why the object of their affection lost interest instead of just accepting that they were never all that interested in the first place.

Sadly, there are a lot of people out there who will say whatever will get them what they want. You’re thinking, “It must be real. He must feel what I feel. He said such and such and that must have meant he wanted to see me again.” You think you got close to something that had been so elusive for so long. That’s your loneliness talking. We all go through it.

Tom, people lie. People look out for themselves. These persons exist. He manufactured a speech to give to you to remove himself from the situation. He likely knew all along he’d be giving that speech.

When you choose to accept that this fantasy is over, then you’ll be able to move on. For now, find other things that can fill that void you feel. You want to feel acknowledged and significant. You want to feel important to someone. Do whatever you need to do without sabotaging or harming yourself to feel like you matter. Because you do. You do matter.

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Filed Under: Dating, Online Dating, Red Flags, Rejection Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

If They’re Out of Your League, They’re Up To No Good

April 2, 2013 by 37 Comments

Name: Sarah
City: Austin
State: Texas
Comment: In my mind, I know the answer to my question, but in my heart – I guess I need to hear it from other people.

I met a man back in December – he pursued hanging out with me – just fun, going out stuff, not dates. This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently. I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me. I researched him online and got the impression that he might be married. So I asked him – he came clean and indicated that he was separated, but still in the same house, but was going to move out & start divorce proceedings. Since it had been a long-term marriage (more than 15 years) and there were two kids – I was wary. I basically said we’d have to cool it until he really moved out & I could see that he was being honest about proceeding with a divorce. He did move out shortly thereafter and we resumed talking and dating. During the course of all of this, he would constantly send me texts – you’re awesome! and give me affirmations of his interest – I think about you all the time, I miss you when you’re not around, I feel like we have such a unique situation, etc. BUT he would also say – i’m all messed up in my head, I don’t really know what I’m looking for, etc. Again – I expressed my concern – saying that I wondered if he thought I was so awesome or if it felt so special because what he was coming from had felt so wrong for such a long time. So I tried to protect myself…but it’s hard when you DO feel a connection and you DO feel like this could be someone for the long-term and they are also expressing that. Then after about 2 months he started to pull away. Saying that he felt guilty about not spending more time with his kids and that he really needed to get busy and finalize things and clear up his personal situation. MY understanding from our conversation was that we were going to keep it casual, still see each other but try to “pump the brakes” so to speak. However, it’s now been a week and I haven’t seen him and I’ve only had one text saying hello/hope you are having a nice weekend. I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting? I was REALLY ok with taking a step back & being more casual for a little while to see if we truly had a connection but I didn’t expect it to just disintegrate completely. Do I just relax, not contact him & let him contact me? Or do I push for resolution and ask him to explain what is going on? Give up entirely?
Age: 41

 

I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me.

Let’s address this point first. This? This is in your head. No confident and secure man is intimidated by a woman, for any reason. Stop telling yourself this to make yourself feel better. Either you’re drawn to men with issues or there is something unlikeable about you. Those are the only to options to explain this phenomenon.

This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently.

If this guy was atypical for what you generally meet, that likely means that something about his interest was disingenuous somehow. Sorry, but it does.  The fact that he didn’t even tell you he was married, knowing how the internet works and how common it is to Google someone, means he didn’t care enough to tell you about his status. He wasn’t concerned if you found out. Why? Because he didn’t actually care, period. That was the second red flag that this guy was going to fade. The first was that this dream man appeared in your life at all.

I get the desire to meet someone with a similar intellect or life experience. But the reality is that if we struggle to find that well educated and polished needle in a hay stack, then we should question when one falls in our lap rather effortlessly. I’m choosing to ignore the whole “on my level” thing. Holding out for that guy hasn’t served you well so far. You’re not going to readjust your expectations or self-perception until you get tired of the disappointment and frustration.

This guy was looking to get laid and likely never expected to stay involved with you in any way once that happened. He’s investing time by sending texts. That’s all part of the maintenance involved with cultivating a roster of options. He’s dipping his toe pack in the pool in order to see what is out there before he finally makes the move and leaves his marriage. He doesn’t want to let go of one branch without making sure there will be others to grasp.

I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting?

Easy peasy. He never thought you were the greatest thing since sliced bread in the first place. It was an act. Remember what I said about guys up to no good who pile it on are being disingenuous? This is a perfect example.

His reason for pulling back is that he senses you’re looking for a relationship and that’s not something he can offer. The stuff about his kids and needing to get his head straight, while I’m sure true to some degree, are not why he’s fading. This guy isn’t interested in you in the way you are interested in him. Let it go.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40, Red Flags, Rejection, The Talk, The Unavailable Man/Woman, To Settle or Not To Settle, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Come Nobody Responds To His OKCupid Messages?

March 13, 2013 by 51 Comments

Name: Joe
Comment: I message more than a few women on a popular free dating site, the only problem being that they never message me back, nor do they look at my profile. Now, the first thing you’re going to say is that I have some red flags; my messages, while succinct, show that I’ve read their profile and have at least one common interest. For example, if a profile says that they like Italian food, I’ll ask about what their favorite Italian restaurant in the city is, or what their favorite dish is, or if they like a band, if they liked the last album, or if they attended the last concert, etc.
Also, as you can see, my grammar is decent. As for my pictures, they match my body type on the site, I’ve had them looked at by very honest female friends and strangers (not explaining how I came about this, too long and pointless), and there are no real red flags that I can see. I’m at the point where if I don’t get a response, I’ll ask why – just to feed my own curiosity. I’d really like to know what I’m doing wrong here.
Age: 27
City: Philadelphia
State: PA

 

No, the first thing I’m going to say to you is welcome to internet dating.

What’s probably happening is that they are looking at the tiny thumbnail that appears alongside your message and deciding that they don’t find you attractive. If the most positive thing you can say about your photos is that they match your chosen body type on your profile, that’s not a good sign. The thumbnail for your primary photo should showcase your face, head on,  clearly. It should not be taken from a distance or be some cropped/distorted shot. Wear something brightly colored so you can stand out amongst other thumbnails when people are doing searches. Oh, and be sure to rotate it so it’s right side up if you have to. Talk about lazy and not caring.

There isn’t a friend in the world honest enough to tell someone that they’re not terribly attractive or that they’re shooting way out of their league. If you tailored your questions to friends to focus on the consistency between your photos and what you say on your profile, then that would explain the responses from your friends that you received. You’ve listed all the possible problems that could explain this phenomenon except for the one that is the most likely. You’re probably, like the rest of us, average looking. I’m also going to guess that you come across like you’re trying too hard in your messages. Why do I say that? Even in this letter you seem rather desperate to convince me that the problem isn’t you. Approaching strangers and asking them to review your photos as well as following up with these women inquiring as to why they didn’t respond makes you sound horribly insecure. If you lack this kind of confidence in real life, then I can assure you that your friends are not going to give you the straight truth. Don’t email people and ask them why they didn’t respond to you. It’s a bit rude and puts the woman in an awkward position. By doing this you’re demonstrating that you you’re getting repeatedly ignored. Red Flag.

If these women aren’t even bothering to visit your profile, then either they don’t find your primary photo attractive or your messages come off like you’re trying too hard. There’s also the possibility that they have their browsing options set so that people don’t see when they view a profile. So you don’t really know that they’re not  looking over your ad. All you know is that they are not responding.

Personally, I find the questions about something in my profile a little…meh. Just tell me you liked my profile. Don’t try to engage me by asking a question about something you truly don’t care about. It’s disingenuous.

Online daters need to stop focusing on the lack of attention they get and pay more attention to the people who are showing attention. I have a client who originally had her profile set to include casual sex as a relationship option. She was bothered by all the messages she got from men that seemed to lead to sexual conversations. I told her to uncheck that box. She did that, but then was concerned that the majority of attention she received before had disappeared. Was she only getting those profile views because she had checked casual sex, she asked?

Um. Yes. Yes she was.Personally, I don’t see a problem with selecting casual sex as a relationship option, should you be open to casual relationships. You’ll need to be vigilante with how you filter profiles and have an accurate perception of your audience, of course. Yes, you’ll get a ton of messages that border on graphic harassment. You’ll have to learn to ignore them and not react. The goal is to get more views to your profile. Will you attract some people just looking for sex or who will judge you for it? Yep. But they’d likely dismiss you eventually anyway.

Without that option included, my client was now on a level playing field with everybody else, where modest amounts of page views and responses are the norm. I don’t know how many more times I can say this: this is online dating for pretty much everybody.

I’m going to stab my eyes out with hot forks if I hear one grumble from some dude who insists this guy’s experience is due to the fact that women just want attention and aren’t serious about meeting anybody. Sure, some women and men on those sites just want to collect winks and messages and show them off to their friends and yap about them on Twitter to make themselves feel better for rarely getting laid, being marginally attractive or socially awkward or overweight. If the person demonstrated a genuine interest in crafting a profile and didn’t skip steps and made a true effort, then they’re probably genuinely interested in meeting someone. Just not you. So be it. That’s how online dating works. Single people dating online must accept this. Not everyone is going to find you attractive, and most people think they have more options than they do. You either need to do everything possible to increase your options – and that means become as subjectively attractive as possible in person and in writing – or you need to accept your particular lot and act accordingly.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, OKCupid, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Does Bad Grammar & Punctuation Turn You Off?

March 12, 2013 by 48 Comments

An article over at XOJane yesterday got me thinking about how written communication has changed, especially due to technology and social media. I’ve said before that a lot of people – if not most – now access dating sites and social media platforms using mobile apps. As such, people are using smaller keyboards and writing/communicating on the go.

Unless you work for yourself, it’s not often that someone is sitting in an ergonomic chair with a huge screen and appropriately sized keyboard when they’re typing. Replying to messages isn’t usually done during working hours as most businesses monitor employees internet access. That forces folks to access websites via their phone. Sometimes we are on a bus or in a cab when we’re tapping out a response to a message or updating our profile. We might even be crossing the street. If you weren’t an English major or in a similar course of study where you were judged on the quality of your written work, what you know about grammar came from High School English class. Do you remember everything you learned in high school?

Contributing to this issue is that many news or content oriented websites take submissions from writers without offering payment or assistance with editing. What you end up with is an uptick in the bad grammar and usage that we now see on sites we consider to host professionally written material, sending a mixed message. Being restricted to using only a certain amount of characters also gets us in the habit of taking grammatical shortcuts. So what we have here, as the line goes, is a failure to communicate properly. Admittedly the breakdown in communication is a failure on our parts. No question. We’ve gotten lazy about how we present ourselves in writing.

Is this lack of concern truly indicative of our character or personality? Does a decision to send a message to a potential date without spell checking it really display a lack of genuine interest? Or is this just one more flimsy excuse that people use to blow someone off? Is this yet another faux test men and women use to determine a quality match?

I do tend to agree that poor grammar and usage is usually a sign of lower intelligence. But let’s define “poor.” Here is what I consider unacceptable:

  • Run on sentences with a total lack of punctuation
  • Multiple instances of misspelling words
  • All caps
  • Ur instead of your, etc – (This one is debateable.)

Writing in all lowercase doesn’t bother me. Nor do I care if someone uses “your” when they should use “you’re.” I think people have taken the whole “dating is like an interview” thing too far. Yes, if you were applying for a job then being more concerned with spelling and punctuation is appropriate and expected. There is a smaller margin of error when a person is submitting themselves for a position for which they are being paid. I’m not sure if you guys heard this but nobody is perfect. The people you date are not just a cog in a machine. They are human beings. That means that they, and you, will make mistakes. A lot of them. If you are someone who will dismiss somebody because they used too many ellipses, you might want to consider the possibility that you’re kind of insufferable, humorless and difficult. That kind of holier than thou attitude will kill every relationship you have.

The other thing to realize and accept is that, as D’Alias said in the comments recently, online dating isn’t what it used to be.  Truth? People just don’t care much anymore. Like ‘em. Don’t like ‘em. They believe that they have a vast number of options out there and therefore don’t have to bow to your whim. Whether or not that is true is irrelevant. That’s how many people think. They’ll blow you off, stop responding to emails, cancel dates, etc. They simply don’t care.

This isn’t to suggest that people should stop trying to make a good first impression. Of course we shouldn’t. What we do need to adjust is our expectations. Good for you that you never abuse commas. You win the internet! Some people do. Some people pay more attention to math or science.  Something else that needs to go is creating a back story as to why someone didn’t spell check before hitting send. That crap borders on paranoia and delusion. Given how people constantly complain about the lack of messages they get, isn’t it progress enough that someone took the time to reply or write at all?

Finally, can we also put a cease and desist on taking screen shots of poorly written messages and posting them to Twitter or on blogs? Can we stop taking content from people’s profiles and putting them on the internet entirely? Let me explain something to you: someone with bad grammar might not be the rocket scientist you feel you deserve, but a person who gets off publicly shaming and humiliating these people for something so innocuous and impersonal is far more hateable. Short of coming out and being hateful towards someone, people don’t deserve public floggings like that. That man or woman didn’t erect that profile or send you that message to push you down some shame spiral. If your life is so empty and your need for attention so bottomless that you have to do such things, you’ve hit on the main reason why you’re single. People need to stop indulging and encouraging that nonsense. That person you’re replying to with your “LOL!” is an asshole. Plain and simple.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Red Flags, Social Media, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Red Flags Are Red Flags For a Reason

March 4, 2013 by 24 Comments

Name: NYCgirl
Comment: Hey guys, so I have a little dilemma with a guy I’ve been seeing. I met him back in July  after hanging out for a weekend with mutual friends we exchanged numbers  started talking via the phone. I went to friend request him on FB  as I was on his page I noticed he had a girlfriend listed. So I didnt say anything to him at first ( I didnt want to seem like a stalker or as if I was playing CIA spy). Being that its FB  he could of very well not updated his profile in some time I let it go. I told a friend of mine about what happened  she asked me to check his instagram page. I am not one for snooping around but I was curious to see if he indeed had a GF  maybe he was just trying to get into my pants.(I have been burned many times before so my guard is up at all times.) SO with the help of my friend we found his IG page  saw pictures of him  the same girl from FB posted from 2 weeks ago. Now I had already asked him if he was single  he told me yes. After finding all this out I decided to proceed with our first dinner date we had planned. I asked him again, over dinner, to his face, if he was single. “Yes I am” he replied. I kept him around for another week seeing if he would come clean after speaking everyday  he still claimed to be “single”. Finally I called him out on it. He claimed I was playing detective  had no idea what was going on.I never spoke to him after that. Later on I found out from a mutual friend that at the time he met me he was on a “break” w his current GF. They had got into a fight thursday night  he went out friday to “clear his mind”  thats when he met me. So now its December  thru the same mutual friends I see him at a party. He pulls me aside  apologizes to me saying he was sorry  blah blah Me being nice I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt  I decide to give him one more shot. We hit things off right away. He takes me to great restaurants, movies, etc. However I have caught him in a couple white lies that has me thinking. For example, he lied to me about when the last time he sold drugs was. ( He was an ex-dealer  claimed he last sold in 2008) when in fact it was in 2011. Then he lied to me about why he had lost his drivers license  didnt get a new one. We have been dating since December  we already went to Miami together in late January. I thought this was too soon but being that our mutual friends were going also I decided ok. (I would of not gone just me  him so soon) He also talks about marriage  kids  meeting his family  I think hes moving too fast. I sometimes feel like hes trying to “trap me”, I am 30 years old, a registered nurse , I have my own place  make my own money. Hes 28, lives at home  works for his fathers company, so the fact that he wanted to make me his gf after less than 2 months of dating I find a little weird. I would appreciate any input. Thank you!
Age: 30
City: NYC
State: NY

 

Hes 28, lives at home  works for his fathers company, so the fact that he wanted to make me his gf after less than 2 months of dating I find a little weird.

That’s what you find weird? That is probably the least concerning aspect of this story.

Here’s the narrative going on in your head:

You’re a woman who has had a lot of bad luck in love. You have your guard up, have  a hard time trusting men, etc. You are not the type of person to snoop or do any kind of unnecessary recon work on the men you meet. You’re a nice person which is why you give people who lie to you a second chance.

Here’s the reality:

You’re attracted to bad boys. Your guard isn’t up. You trust pretty easily, and usually trust the wrong person. Saying that your guard is up and citing all your past disappointments is supposed to make people feel sorry for you and sympathize for you rather than suggest you have really bad taste in men and are probably a little desperate.

Here’s my take on this:

This guy is a drug dealer with a criminal record. A record you found when you weren’t playing detective. He’s anxious to get out of his parent’s house, so he’s trying to get you all buttered up so you’ll take him in. You clearly don’t trust him and never have. Yet you continued to date him despite having caught him in numerous lies. You’re not concerned that he wasn’t to make you his girlfriend. You’re not unsettled by how quickly he appears to be moving. You’re unnerved because you know he has an agenda.

He accused you of playing Nancy Drew when you confronted him with a lie because he knew he was caught. Remember what I said a few weeks ago about paying attention to how someone reacts when you criticize them. If they turn it around on you, they know the accusation is true to some degree and are trying to change the subject and make their accuser feel insecure.

The only reason he profusely apologized that night at that party in December was because he knew he needed someone else to suck off of as he continued his shiftless life. Lucky for him that you’re so easily impressed.

I’m not sure what you’re looking for here. You admit you’ve caught him in multiple lies. You know his life isn’t terribly stable and that he has dabbled in illegal activities. You continued to date him despite all of this. So what is it that you want to hear? That he’s shady? You know that. It’s not that you think he’s moving too fast. It’s that you want to believe that it’s all real and don’t want to be played for a fool. Again. Oh wait. Again again.

He is trying to trap you. Walk away. Eventually this guy is going to sucker you into taking on the burden that is him. You have your own life, reputation, career and financial situation to consider. This guy will slowly begin to creep into all of these areas of your life and ruin them.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Dating, Facebook, Rebound, Red Flags, Snooping, Social Media, Stalker

How Do You Know If a Guy Is Really Sincere?

February 15, 2013 by 18 Comments

Name: Marie
Age: 45
State: Florida
Question: ok, so I met this wonderful man. His eye contact and body language all showed me he was sincere in everything he talked about. He seems so caring, loving, giving, just the right guy for me all around. My question is he asked me if I would like to go out of town for a few days? We had one date and talked and texted a lot the past few days. Normally I would so no way…I do not even know this man… but I know some people will meet each other for the first time out of town and spend a weekend together. I feel comfortable but am I jumping too fast and possibly putting myself in harms way? I don’t feel like it, but family have told me he could be a bad person and I should not do it. I have dated many men and he is the first real genuine nice and good man I have met where I saw these traits right away… Any thoughts? Thank you !

 

For me, there are two issues here. The first is how blown away you are by this guy based his non-verbal cues. While I am a big believer in the importance of reading body language and paying attention to various cues, none of those things actually prove anything.  In fact, I think there are a lot of men and women out there who know exactly how to present themselves so that they seem more sincere and convincing. We all learn how to navigate situations in a way to get what we want. It’s not difficult to learn these things. Since you don’t know this guy really at all, you don’t have a baseline that can be used for comparison purposes.

Should you take him up on his offer to go away for a weekend? I really don’t know. Yesterday, in the comments of another thread, the issue of whether or not someone would accept a 2nd date on Valentine’s Day came up. A couple of people insisted that they would not do that. Much like the “I’ll only go down on  woman if she freshly showered and shaved” admission, I find such declarations to be a tell. As I said in response to a tweet yesterday asking who accepts a first date on Valentine’s Day, someone who would is someone who doesn’t over-analyze everything. People who swear up and down that they would “never” do certain things like that are actually revealing that they’ve probably never been presented with the opportunity to do so or have their own issues that would prevent them from being so daring. If you met someone you really liked and they asked you for a first or second date on Valentine’s Day, most people would go. Please. The people who say that it’s too much pressure, might set false expectations, etc are making excuses. If you really liked them, you’d go.

Same goes for this request of taking a trip with this guy. People are going to give you all kinds of reasons that you shouldn’t. Personally, I’m not sure that it’s the best of ideas. Traveling with someone – anyone – can be stressful. I’m not sure that you and this man have established the kind of rapport necessary for you to go into this relatively confident that you and he will not have any problems. As for the security concern, that’s valid too. I think it’s unlikely that he’ll chop your hands off and stick you in a freezer, but it’s still something you should consider. Just like people should consider meeting people from online dating sites in a public place for the first date. Caution is good. Just don’t let it rule you.

You say that this is the first guy that you’ve met who has shown you all these traits right away. That, for me, is the big red flag. What does it tell you that “all” the other men you’ve met have not acted this way? It tells me that either you have not so great judgment in men (as witnessed in this post) OR that this guy is being insincere. The fact that these experiences you have seem to fall on the extreme ends of the spectrum is what concerns me.   You seem rather hungry for a genuine connection. I think that might be clouding your judgment.

I think you might be so used to dealing with guys who are unavailable that you jump at the first guy who is available. Neither is really all that smart. I’d want to know why this guy was so eager and available. Look, I’m the bee’s knees. But even I would immediately be suspect of someone who seemed this interested, this quickly. I’d want to know why he was so available. That would be the reason why I would hold off on that trip for now. I think you need to get to know this guy a bit and get a baseline read on him before you make snap judgments.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating Over 40, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, First Impressions, Game, PUA, Red Flags Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,
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