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The Dangers of The Faux-lationship

April 8, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: Tom 
Comment: Hi,
I’m a gay guy, middle aged, I had taken myself off the dating market for several years due to depression issues,etc.  I finally got on a good antidepressant, moved back to my dream city and decided to engage in life.  I started online dating.  A guy from another city found my profile, said he was thinking of moving here and asked if I would have dinner with him.  I said okay.  We met, he worked for a major airline and was in town for the night.  He actually lived thousands of miles away but said he really wanted to move to my city.  It was one of those times when you meet someone and it feels like you’ve been struck by lightning, it was magic.  He said he felt the same way. Everything was great for almost two months. He visited a lot and we talked on the phone daily, he really injected himself into every aspect of my life.  He suddenly decided, without talking to his doctor, to double the amount of antidepressants he was taking. It totally changed his personality.  One night when we were on the phone, he had an ugly, biting remark in response to anything I said, I hung up on him. A few nights later, he became furious and started screaming at me over basically nothing.  He texted me a day later and said it was over.  He refused to speak to me for three months.  Though I mostly got over it, I needed emotional resolution.  In February, I sent him an email and to my surprise, he responded and said he missed me, also that he was off of the meds.  We started talking again.  I told him I thought he was one in a million and he said he felt the same way.  Being a hopeless romantic, I sent him flowers and said I wanted him back in my life.  He started calling me every day.  But it bugged me that we hadn’t talked about what had happened before. I tried bringing it up and he said, “oh, why dwell on the past.  What’s done is done, let’s move forward.”  We finally had a serious discussion and to his credit, he made me face reality, he can’t really give up his home, his career, his friends, etc, to move here.  There are a lot of logistical problems.  I can’t really move there either.  Moving where I currently live was my dream.  He said I would end up resenting him and that much is true.  We agreed to be friends and kept talking a couple of times a week, then more like once a week. I finally sent him a Dear John letter today telling him kindly but firmly that I didn’t think we should keep in touch because it’s emotionally confusing for me and I think he needs counseling because he won’t open up, never apologized for his actions, etc.  But I cried off and on all afternoon.  I don’t understand why I can’t get over it.  I feel like I met my soulmate and then got told, no, you can’t have him. I’ve tried dating other guys but it doesn’t feel the same.  He IS very, very good looking and we have great chemistry, but otherwise, there’s not much there.  Why can’t I move on and be happy?
Age: 50
City: Portland
State: OR

 

You can’t move on because you don’t want to move on. You’ve convinced yourself that everything this guy said and did was genuine and real. Sorry, it most likely wasn’t.

He probably knew all along he wasn’t going to move to your city. He was looking for a pit stop and he found one, and I have no doubt plenty of others. Typically when someone from hundreds of miles away contacts you on a dating site, they’re not looking for anything terribly substantive. I think you’re assuming that, because he flew to meet you and continued to email you and put in “effort,” that his interest must be sincere. You have to understand that if someone has the means to travel for weekend jaunts, they will. Also realize that trading emails takes very little energy or time. If they have the money, then spending it really isn’t that big of a deal. Gestures like these are not indicative of how interested they are.

You moved to your new dream city and you’re probably a bit lonely. You’re looking for a connection or some kind of companionship. This guy presented himself and so you jumped head first. Many of us have been there. Loneliness can encourage us to get involved in situations that ultimately aren’t good for us. Red flags were there, and like many of us do, you ignored them. Switching his meds without any advice from a doctor is reckless. This guy is a pilot? Jesus. Big. Red. Flag. Are you sure he’s even a pilot? I can’t imagine that someone with that kind of job would do that.

Whether this guy was speaking the truth about who he is and how he felt is irrelevant. It was fun for him for a time, then he pulled back. The reason? Who knows. You’ll probably never know. All you know is that this guy can’t give you what you want. You’re replaying everything over in your head trying to convince yourself that because he said or did XYZ, he must truly care or want you.  Do you know why? Because that is a hell of a lot easier to swallow than admitting to yourself that you were fooled or fell for a batch of lies.This is where the need for a back story comes into play. People come up with non-existent explanations and reasons why the object of their affection lost interest instead of just accepting that they were never all that interested in the first place.

Sadly, there are a lot of people out there who will say whatever will get them what they want. You’re thinking, “It must be real. He must feel what I feel. He said such and such and that must have meant he wanted to see me again.” You think you got close to something that had been so elusive for so long. That’s your loneliness talking. We all go through it.

Tom, people lie. People look out for themselves. These persons exist. He manufactured a speech to give to you to remove himself from the situation. He likely knew all along he’d be giving that speech.

When you choose to accept that this fantasy is over, then you’ll be able to move on. For now, find other things that can fill that void you feel. You want to feel acknowledged and significant. You want to feel important to someone. Do whatever you need to do without sabotaging or harming yourself to feel like you matter. Because you do. You do matter.

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Filed Under: Dating, Online Dating, Red Flags, Rejection Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

If They’re Out of Your League, They’re Up To No Good

April 2, 2013 by 37 Comments

Name: Sarah
City: Austin
State: Texas
Comment: In my mind, I know the answer to my question, but in my heart – I guess I need to hear it from other people.

I met a man back in December – he pursued hanging out with me – just fun, going out stuff, not dates. This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently. I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me. I researched him online and got the impression that he might be married. So I asked him – he came clean and indicated that he was separated, but still in the same house, but was going to move out & start divorce proceedings. Since it had been a long-term marriage (more than 15 years) and there were two kids – I was wary. I basically said we’d have to cool it until he really moved out & I could see that he was being honest about proceeding with a divorce. He did move out shortly thereafter and we resumed talking and dating. During the course of all of this, he would constantly send me texts – you’re awesome! and give me affirmations of his interest – I think about you all the time, I miss you when you’re not around, I feel like we have such a unique situation, etc. BUT he would also say – i’m all messed up in my head, I don’t really know what I’m looking for, etc. Again – I expressed my concern – saying that I wondered if he thought I was so awesome or if it felt so special because what he was coming from had felt so wrong for such a long time. So I tried to protect myself…but it’s hard when you DO feel a connection and you DO feel like this could be someone for the long-term and they are also expressing that. Then after about 2 months he started to pull away. Saying that he felt guilty about not spending more time with his kids and that he really needed to get busy and finalize things and clear up his personal situation. MY understanding from our conversation was that we were going to keep it casual, still see each other but try to “pump the brakes” so to speak. However, it’s now been a week and I haven’t seen him and I’ve only had one text saying hello/hope you are having a nice weekend. I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting? I was REALLY ok with taking a step back & being more casual for a little while to see if we truly had a connection but I didn’t expect it to just disintegrate completely. Do I just relax, not contact him & let him contact me? Or do I push for resolution and ask him to explain what is going on? Give up entirely?
Age: 41

 

I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me.

Let’s address this point first. This? This is in your head. No confident and secure man is intimidated by a woman, for any reason. Stop telling yourself this to make yourself feel better. Either you’re drawn to men with issues or there is something unlikeable about you. Those are the only to options to explain this phenomenon.

This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently.

If this guy was atypical for what you generally meet, that likely means that something about his interest was disingenuous somehow. Sorry, but it does.  The fact that he didn’t even tell you he was married, knowing how the internet works and how common it is to Google someone, means he didn’t care enough to tell you about his status. He wasn’t concerned if you found out. Why? Because he didn’t actually care, period. That was the second red flag that this guy was going to fade. The first was that this dream man appeared in your life at all.

I get the desire to meet someone with a similar intellect or life experience. But the reality is that if we struggle to find that well educated and polished needle in a hay stack, then we should question when one falls in our lap rather effortlessly. I’m choosing to ignore the whole “on my level” thing. Holding out for that guy hasn’t served you well so far. You’re not going to readjust your expectations or self-perception until you get tired of the disappointment and frustration.

This guy was looking to get laid and likely never expected to stay involved with you in any way once that happened. He’s investing time by sending texts. That’s all part of the maintenance involved with cultivating a roster of options. He’s dipping his toe pack in the pool in order to see what is out there before he finally makes the move and leaves his marriage. He doesn’t want to let go of one branch without making sure there will be others to grasp.

I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting?

Easy peasy. He never thought you were the greatest thing since sliced bread in the first place. It was an act. Remember what I said about guys up to no good who pile it on are being disingenuous? This is a perfect example.

His reason for pulling back is that he senses you’re looking for a relationship and that’s not something he can offer. The stuff about his kids and needing to get his head straight, while I’m sure true to some degree, are not why he’s fading. This guy isn’t interested in you in the way you are interested in him. Let it go.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40, Red Flags, Rejection, The Talk, The Unavailable Man/Woman, To Settle or Not To Settle, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Online Dating: How Much Rejection Is Normal?

March 31, 2013 by 37 Comments

Name: Maria
Age: 35
City: Brooklyn
State: NY
Comment: Hi, I am wondering if what happens to me is “normal” in the dating world here in NYC.  I am 35, on OKC and I get asked out a lot.  I meet an average of 3 guys per week, which some would consider lucky.  I think I would feel lucky if all I wanted was to go to countless dates with men that 98% of the time I never hear back from.  Is this normal? Do other women experience what I take as rejection??

 

3 dates a week doesn’t sound abnormal for OK Cupid. It’s a free website. As many people have mentioned in previous threads, OKC attracts a number of time wasters. That site is heavily populated by folks not terribly interested in anything beyond attention or a casual relationship. Hence why you’re getting so much action. I’m going to guess that you’re a quantity over quality person. You go out with pretty much everyone who asks because you like feeling so in demand. OK Cupid is like a fun house mirror in that it provides a distorted view of our desirability and attractiveness. Hate to be the bearing of bad news, but let’s just say that that site isn’t known for attracting men who are terribly picky.

I highly doubt that the majority of men you’re meeting on OK Cupid are actually looking for a relationship.  Getting dates with OKC is beyond easy. Getting quality dates is much, much harder. Many of those guys are taking you out in the hopes of hooking up. When that doesn’t happen they just move on. That would explain a good portion of the rejection that you are experiencing.

The other contributing factor is probably that you’re disappointing these men somehow. Either your profile is too good and full of embellishments or..dun dun DUN! you don’t look like your photos.

While it’s not abnormal to have many one off first dates that lead no where, it is atypical to have that many not lead to a second date. So something is off. Whomever you present online is not translating offline. You should be getting more men following up if you’re having 3 dates a week. So, in addition to meeting a lot of one and doners,  it’s either an issue of inaccurate photos or you’re just not terrible interesting/engaging. That’s something that a lot of people don’t consider. Everybody thinks they “rock” first dates. Few people actually do. Every person I’ve ever known or heard of who was booking multiple online dates every week always, to me, seemed to have something “off” about them. Either they seemed burnt out on the process or over-anxious or completely desensitized to the process. I think 2 dates a week with two different people is pushing it. More than that and you’re just overloading your mental hard drive. People assume because they get so many dates or have so many people eager to commit to them that that actually means what they think it means. A lot of times it doesn’t. You’d be surprised what people will do and say just to get sex on the regs. Or at all.

I don’t know how to say this without some people feeling as though I am trying to crush their spirit. Dating in Manhattan or in any city where there is an overage of single women to single men is tough. Trying to date in Manhattan as a woman in her mid to late thirties and older is brutal. As harsh as this sounds, the odds are just against us. My suggestion to you, OP, as well as to all the other women in your age range and above is to branch out. Way out. Like Boston or Connecticut or Philadelphia. Or maybe even further. We are just not in demand here. I’m not saying that you should completely count out the men where you live. I’m suggesting that you widen the net.

I will also advise any woman over 35 that is looking for a relationship to rely more heavily on the paid dating sites. Use OK Cupid, as it’s a great way to get dates and get out. Who knows, you might strike gold. But if you really want something serious, OK Cupid is just not the place to go. You are up against it on that site, competing with a lot of women in the same boat.

As for the guys who struggle, all the whining and sad sackery has to stop. Get off the angry man forums. Many of you sound like the 98 pound weakling who just had sand kicked in his face at beach. If you want a certain type of woman, you need to up your game. That means dressing and sounding the part. You can say all you like how unfair it is that women don’t like nice stable guys but deep down you know that’s not true. They just don’t want you. It’s time for you to stop listening to all the other losers at love and break free from that pack. Maybe it would serve you well to look elsewhere, too. Either that or suck it up and accept that your $10 first date policy isn’t cutting it. Time to break open the wallet and pull yourself together. Congrats, you stay in shape or you’re pretty or you have a job. Whoopee. You’re hardly unique. If you want people to notice you or take you seriously you have to present yourself in a certain way.

If you’re surrounded by people who bring more to the table, and at any given time you probably are, then you need to either up your game in some way and/or go where people want what you can offer. If you aren’t willing to do either, then you need to accept the reality of your situation quickly and learn to adapt.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Over 40, OKCupid, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Rejection Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How Long Should You Wait For The Second Date?

March 17, 2013 by 65 Comments

Name: Scott
Age: 30
City: New York
State: NY
Comment: So I’ve decided to get back on the sauce and once again use a fairly popular, well-known internet dating website that’s free…Yes, I’ve been going out with a few women, with mixed success, and thankfully enjoying the experience for the most part without getting too exhausted and/or frustrated.

Last night, I was pleasantly surprised to have a first date which I initially thought wouldn’t go anywhere turn out to be excellent…instead of having the typical one round of drinks and calling it a night, we ended up having four rounds, and our conversation flowed smoothly as we opened up and got to know one another…as I got the sense that she was enjoying my company and somewhat into me, just as I was into her, I asked her if she would be interested in seeing me again.  I’m in my 30’s now; I’m not into the dating games and am fairly clear with my intentions, and she was in her mid-20’s and respected the fact that I’m a bit older and have my act together (for the most part).   She seemed receptive to getting together again, and I suggested getting together the upcoming weekend – we went out on a Wednesday night, so it seemed like an appropriate amount of time.

When she indicated the weekend was not looking good, I suggested the following week, and she seemed hesitant, and said she was pretty booked.  Now, I understand how someone can easily book 7 dates for each night of the week, and I’m not implying that she did that.  When she suggested that we meet a week and a half later, I mentioned something like, “I’m going to have to wait a week and a half to see you again?”  Keep in mind as well that she’s relatively new to the site, having signed up about a month ago, but she was the one who initially contacted me on the site.  After my comment, she checked her schedule again and she realized she was free on Tuesday, so we agreed on getting dinner that night.

However, I’m wondering what your thoughts are with respect to waiting too long for that second date…If she were to make me wait, let’s say a week and a half, when there was no discernible excuse like going out of town, studying for a test, etc. etc., then would that be too long to wait and a sign that she wasn’t really into me, as I had thought?  Do you think my comment about waiting a week and a half compelled her to “free” up a night, because she sensed I would lose interest?  What’s your take?

I generally feel like after a successful first date, barring any exigent circumstances, i.e. catering to out of town guests, out of town trips, heavy work loads, etc., you shouldn’t have to wait more than a week to see someone you’re interested in.   What say you?

 

My take is that she’s new to the site and probably, since she’s in her mid twenties, getting a lot of offers. I don’t think she’s any more interested in you than she would be any other guy she met on there.

Here’s the thing: when a woman is into a guy, she finds excuses to free her schedule. That’s it. She doesn’t tell a man she’s booked. That is, unless she’s trying to play hard to get and/or not terribly interested. She could have been trying to seem aloof and like she has options. I tend to think that women like this are more invested in the chase and the attention than anything else. Either way, her response doesn’t bode well for you.

I’m not sure if all of this back and forth happened the same night of your first date or what. If so, yikes. You came on pretty strong. If this whole conversation happened while you two were face to face after that first date, I’m thinking she felt kind of awkward and uncomfortable. If that’s the case, she might have agreed to see you Tuesday just to get away from you and planned on cancelling once she got home.

In the future, when a woman says she’s booked, just reply back and say, “No problem. Get back to me when you know your schedule.”  Don’t offer commentary like, “I have to wait a week and a half to see you again?” It just makes you seem overly invested and aggressive given you only had one date. Not only that but you really shouldn’t have to convince someone to want to see you again. That, too, is a bad sign. My guess is she wasn’t 100% psyched to go out with you again, was trying politely to get out of it, and you pushed a bit. That or her plans cancelled and she had nothing to do so she figured, “Why not?” I wouldn’t be surprised if you followed in the comments and told me that she cancelled on you. Like I said, if we like you, we make time for you. If she had been on the same page as you you wouldn’t have sensed hesitation. You would have sensed antici….pation. (Rocky Horror reference!)

I think a lapse of a week and a half after the first date ruins the momentum. There’s too much time between meetings for things to develop naturally. You want to be able to build on whatever attraction and compatibility is present in person, and rather soon. Suggesting to a date that you and they should get together again over the weekend following the first date sounds reasonable to me. I used to think that suggesting a second date within the next 2 or 3 days after the first date was too much, but that’s changed. Time is of the essence. If the connection and attraction is there, go for it. Within reason, of course. Don’t become all clingy and barrage them with texts, don’t suggest a date the next night,but do something to let your interest be known.

What was considered “too available” a few years ago doesn’t necessarily stand now because of how intense and fast the process of meeting and connecting has become.

Now, to touch on your distinction that she messaged you first and therefore that is an indicator of her interest level. You’re rationalizing. The online experience and the offline experience are two separate animals. Your profile is a one dimensional representation of who you are and nothing more. She probably sent a few messages to different men. I can assure you that her investment level was minimal, as it should be since she hadn’t even met you yet.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Rejection, Social Rules of Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How To Maintain Your Dignity After Being Rejected or Embarrassing Yourself On a Date

January 20, 2013 by 19 Comments

Moxie,

In tonight’s post you said

“The rejection stung, of course, especially since I wasn’t allowed the courtesy to process that privately.”

What do you do when someone rejects you on a date? I’ve had this happen a couple of times and I never know the right way to handle this. Do I excuse myself from the date and leave or do I stick it out?

I’ve also been on the other side of this. How do you suggest people reject someone if there’s no chemistry or if they express interest in another date when you know you’re not interested?

On a similar but different note,  how do you get past an embarrassing situation? I went on a date a couple weeks ago and ended up having a reaction from a medication I’m taking. I hadn’t properly spaced my medication with my alcohol intake and ended up getting really tired and hard to understand. My date offered to call 911 but I said no. He got in a cab with me and saw me home. I never heard from him again. Should I reach out to him?

Thank you,

E. – NYC – 36 -  Female

 

As I said in that post, what made the rejection painful wasn’t the rejection itself. It was the fact that I had been blindsided with it after 2 hours of conversation that included all kinds of compliments combined with the utterly disingenuous nature of the rejection. Really? I was everything you were looking for but I was just too much your equal and on your level to date? Okay. That makes sense. How stupid do I look?

The thing to do in a situation like that, where someone is rejecting you, is to just smile and nod and say, “Okay.” If they try to get you to stick around to finish your drink or have another, explain that you appreciate the gesture but prefer to leave. In most cases, they’re praying that you say that. You don’t have to sit there and pretend to be unaffected. You were just rejected. That’s an uncomfortable situation. You’re allowed to want to remove yourself. Often times those who make such an offer don’t want to deal with people seeing them left at a table sitting by themselves. If they try to coax you back to the conversation, don’t give in. They just want to feel better about what they did and don’t want to be left there looking stupid. Excuse yourself and leave and be done with it.

If you’re the one doing the rejecting, remember these tips:

1. If you know immediately that there’s no spark or attraction, clip that date as soon as you can within reason. Say 45 minutes. You don’t have to say that you’re not feeling a click. You can say you made other plans. The other person should be able to take the hint. If they don’t and suggest another date, tell them to email you later and you guys can talk about it. If you want to rip that band aid off right then, you can. Just be kind and tell them you enjoyed meeting them but you didn’t think you were a match. What you want to show is that you’re being considerate of their time and feelings.  And ladies, if you know you’re not interested, offer to pay your share of the tab. Just do it.Don’t be an asshole.

2. If you’re not attracted to them, keep that fact to yourself. You can say anything else: no chemistry, not much in common, etc. But do not tell them you’re not attracted to them. It’s just bad form and a little cruel. Good for you that you’re so direct and honest. If it’s not paired with tact and compassion you’re just a thoughtless and arrogant idiot. Personally, I think this reason is a catch all for deeper reasons why they aren’t interested. I think more often than not it’s used to cap the conversation and prevent further discussion. Attraction isn’t something people have to defend. It’s either there or it’s not. Like I said a few weeks ago, this kind of honesty is used as a weapon or a shield. Someone who would tell you this is a walking liability, so breathe a sigh of relief that things didn’t go further.

3. Respond to their follow up request in a timely fashion. The longer you wait to respond, the worse it will be for them and for you. The goal in these situations is to be humane. Tell them that, after the date, you did some thinking and you realized that you and they probably weren’t compatible. Never, ever admit that you knew you were going to rejection at the time that you said to follow up with them about discussing another date. If they don’t realize that you were not just trying to prevent any Awkward for yourself but for them, that’s on them.

4.If you know you did something that might have hurt their feelings, cop to it. If they send you a terse message or lash out at you, really ask yourself if you did anything to contribute to that. If you did, own it and be an adult. And please, spare them the passive aggressive, ‘You know, you really didn’t handle that well HOWEVER…” No however. Just admit where you messed up and be done with it. Don’t be some passive aggressive douche.

If you’re on the receiving end of such a rejection, keep these points in mind:

1. Allow someone to be polite.  If they say they made other plans, let them go. If they say they weren’t feeling it, let them go.

2. Don’t send multiple follow up messages. They got your first one.  If they don’t respond, they’re either trying to be kind hoping you’ll get the hint/will drop it or are just not a nice person.

3. If you ask for a further explanation, be prepared to hear something you don’t want to hear. This is self-explanatory. Trust me. You don’t want to know the real reason. If they’re especially defensive or lacking in social graces, they will tell you bluntly what the deal is just so you won’t push them further or try to debate them.

4. Don’t expect them to actually be friends with you. When someone in this situation offers or agrees to friendship, don’t get your hopes up. Again, they’re being polite. They really don’t want to be your friend. They just don’t want you to dislike them. If you follow up with invites and emails,9 times out of 10 they’ll make up an excuse why you can’t hang out or will ignore you.

5. Ladies, don’t ever, ever do this. If a guy turns you down for a date or a hook up, walk away. Sending them naked pics or a video of you getting off in a bathroom stall makes you look a) unstable and b) desperate.  No, when he replied and told you how sexy that was or how he’s rather hold on to the friendship/maintain a business contact, he wasn’t being honest. He was being polite. If he wanted to have sex with you, he would.  There’s no such thing as a woman being too cool/smart/awesome to sleep with in a man’s book. Women love to reassure each other that the men in these scenarios totally respects them or cares for them or whatnot. That is said so you will turn around and do something equally as jaw dropping and they’ll feel less ashamed. Don’t fall for it.

Now for the second question. If you feel you did something wrong, offensive or inappropriate then the right thing to do is apologize.  He probably didn’t know what to say after that experience. It wouldn’t hurt for you to break the ice and follow up and explain what happened. It might be too late or be something he can’t get past. I think it all depends how the rest of the date went and how you handle the apology. Remember that what you reveal could be held against you. If you were on anti-depressants, keep that to yourself. Say that you took a Benedryl for an allergy and had thought enough time had passed between when you took it and when you started drinking. Keep the explanation short and vague. Tell him you’d like to give it another try if he’s willing. If he’s not, just move on. If this is something that has happened before then you need to check yourself. That is NOT something that should happen more than once.  There’s just no excuse for it.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Closure, Dating, Rejection Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Total Honesty & Dating Don’t Mix

January 7, 2013 by 23 Comments

Last fall I had a date with a guy that I met on OKC. T.’s profile made it clear that he was looking for a casual relationship, as was I. Our conversations made it clear that we had much in common. He took great interest in my blog, something that always sends up a red flag for me. He said many times how eager he was to meet me because he felt like we’d have so much to talk about.

So we meet up. I’m not in my chair more than five minutes before he’s telling me how he never has expectations when it comes to his online dates, but that I was different. He then expanded on this by drawing a diagram with his finger on a napkin indicating how I “filled all the boxes” in terms of what he was looking for.

But then, out of no where, he dropped a bomb.

“The trouble with this is that there’s no hiding from you. There’s no mystique.”

I swallowed my cider and tried to ignore what he had said.Given that he had confessed to reading my blog extensively, my level of insight and perception should not have come as a surprise to him. Since he works in the sociology and psychology field, he and I share certain traits that tend to put a crimp in relationships. Namely that we both read people exceptionally well. My Ex, J, was a psychologist. I’d be lying if I said that our similar insight and ability to analyze situations didn’t cause some strife. But we got through it. I have said many times that I am no walk in the park when it comes to dating.Namely because I often times can predict what a guy will say or do long before he’s even formulated a plan of action in his head.

T. was right in the sense that there would be little mystique. But then…so what? I could see how this might be a problem if we were both looking for something more involved. But we weren’t. At least I wasn’t. According to his profile, neither was he.

Then he dropped another bomb on me:

“I’d love to write for your blog.” He didn’t say it seriously. More like half-jokingly. I just smiled and said nothing, my anger boiling up inside me. Son of a bitch. T. wasn’t interested in the woman behind the profile. He was interested in the woman behind the blog.

When T. said he couldn’t help that he “wasn’t feeling it” I stopped caring. He assured me that he thought I was attractive. It was the personality similarities between us that he wasn’t sure he could get past. We were both very direct, with equal levels of intuition and perception. Tricky. Acceptable. But there was no need to let me in on that little secret, thereby derailing a perfectly fun date.Which makes me wonder if that was what he wanted. Maybe he wanted to throw me off kilter so he could be in control of the dynamic. Or maybe he’s just profoundly stupid like his predecessor, Don Draper. He, too, would say the stupidest of things that would make things worse, not better. They both felt that being “honest” was the “right” thing. But if they were truly as intelligent as they perceived themselves to be, they’d know that total honesty was not going to advance their agenda, whatever that might be.

I got up to leave and put my money on the bar. T. asked me to stay, saying he felt we could still “salvage this.” I explained that I didn’t show up to the date looking for a new girlfriend, and that if all he offered was friendship then there was no point in me sticking around. He tried to talk me down, but my claws were out by that point. I lobbed back every serving of ‘honesty’ he offered and then some. Fuck that noise. Salvage what? Your ego? He eventually paid for our drinks and left. I sat there pondering what had just happened. I guess I felt the same way a guy feels when a woman goes home with him, lets him feel her up, gets undressed and then says she can’t take things further. It’s maddening and hurtful at the same time. T. was a psychological cock tease, no different then the women who let you slide your hand down their pants and then say, ‘Oh, we have to stop. I can’t do this.” His hand is DOWN YOUR PANTS. You’re already doing it!

I felt like I had been bait and switched on my date with T. Casual anything was not on the table. It never was. It made me feel really, really stupid for believing his praise. He was right in that I was not someone with whom he would always have the upper hand. I suppose that is unattractive in some way to some men. Someone who sells himself online the way he did in his profile on the Interwebs, so openly, really shouldn’t be concerned with maintaining a sense of mystery. Things didn’t add up for me, which lead me to believe that even though he said he was being honest, and was to some degree, he really wasn’t. Not with me and possibly not with himself. Bullet dodged.

Another guy I dated last winter pulled something similar. After a few dates he said that he felt like what he truly wanted was something more permanent. He asked me if I saw us headed in that direction. I will fully admit here that I lied to him and said yes. Am I open to something long term or more involved? Absolutely. But I knew he wasn’t it. We continued to date for awhile longer until it was clear I couldn’t give him what he wanted. We never were exclusive. I wouldn’t do that to someone that I knew I didn’t see myself with long term.  He had originally said he wanted one thing. Then when he had it, he decided that’s not what he really wanted. In this case, he wasn’t honest with himself about what he was seeking. He didn’t know himself well enough to understand what he could and couldn’t handle. Like I said last week, the real challenge of online dating is finding someone who knows what they want and who they are. Unfortunately, these people often lose out. Knowing what you want and what you can feasibly offer is scary to a lot of people.

When I hear people complain about the lack of honesty in dating and how badly they want the truth, I realize very quickly that they’ve never actually been told the truth. If they did, they’d know why total honesty is bullshit. Additionally, the people who tell you how honest and straightforward they are are also liabilities. They’re not honest as much as they are socially clueless, manipulative or rude. They wield their honesty like a bat with the intention of either hurting someone or maintaining control. It’s not as healthy and wonderful as you think.

Whether you’d like to believe it or not, the person you want and who is most safe to date is the the one who is willing to keep their mouth shut and tell a white lie.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Dating, Dating Blogger Drama, Dating is Fun, Dating Lies, Online Dating, Red Flags, Rejection Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

How Come Nobody I Like Replies To My Dating Profile?

October 23, 2012 by 29 Comments

Evan had an interesting post today. A woman wrote in asking why she was hearing from so many men that were the opposite of what she’s looking for.

In the last couple of years I’ve met a lot of guys, online and offline. I haven’t found the person yet, but I’ve learned something about men: they have a lot of faith in themselves. And here’s my question: how come guys always, always, always think they are the PERFECT match for you, without any self-awareness?

 

If you click through to the original article, what you’ll see is a list of examples from the woman who submitted the letter. I happen to agree with Evan that these men that the woman is meeting don’t much care what her criteria is. Some of the guys just want to go out and have sex and have no intention of taking it further. Others, though, believe that they bring other things to the table. Things that, to them, are important. There’s also a teeny tiny sub-section of people on these sites who know darn right well that they aren’t what the other person is looking for. They see that person as a personal challenge.

You, my dear Evan, get the idea, but they don’t. Why do they always think they’re perfect for you? I know it when I’m not someone’s type! If I see that a guy is looking for this nurturing, low maintenance girl in her 20s I don’t lose my time, I’m not that girl. But men don’t, men will always try to convince you not to be “rigid”, when what’s happening here is that he’s not your type, you know it but he doesn’t stop for half a second to think about it.

Is it a biological reason? Social? Sexual?

It sounds to me like the woman from the letter is looking for  a carbon copy of herself. Too bad most men don’t think the same way.There’s a whole other group of men who are reading her apparently very stringent criteria and ignoring her. They don’t place the same level of importance on the same things she does. Most men aren’t looking for a Protestant single woman with a Master’s Degree who is cultured, speaks several languages and is a bit of a stick in the mud and likes to stay home. Most men aren’t that rigid.If they find her attractive and pleasant, they’ll date her at least once. That’s the difference. Men will give something a go because their criteria, for the most part, is pretty shallow. The other difference is that most men can determine rather quickly whether or not a woman is their type. They’ve decided by the end of the date if a woman is serious dating material or casual dating material. Many women tend to romanticize the date and the guy, thereby sticking around longer than they should and ignoring red flags.

If men are telling this woman that she’s not being flexible enough, she should listen to them. Sure, some are trying to beat her down so she’ll go out with them.But I’d bet just as many are genuinely trying to help her. She’ll ignore them, of course, because all her friends have told her “she can do better.” You know how we say that men use the word “intimidating” when they really mean “unlikeable?” Well, ” you’re too rigid” is just code for “they’re out of your league” and “that person doesn’t exist.”

What Evan doesn’t suggest is that maybe this woman can’t pull what she thinks she can pull. It’s taboo to do so. As I’ve said before, I honestly believe that what truly bugs woman about getting emails from men that don’t interest them is that they are confronted with the reality of their situation. The guys they want have so many options that they don’t need to email her. The guys who don’t have options are throwing anything to the wall trying to get something to stick. It’s annoying, for sure. But Evan gives good advice when he says that she needs to build up a tolerance to this sort of thing. This is the nature of online dating. People delude themselves and think they’re far more engaging and attractive than they actually are.

I always try to impress upon my profile review clients that they shouldn’t be too specific when describing their ideal match. If you’re too specific, you will weed out a ton of people who think they don’t fit what you’re looking for. They also might assume that you’re one of those people whose persnickety attitude about their “ideal match” is exactly why they’re single. Those people get labeled high maintenance.

I also suggest that they choose – very carefully – which details of their personality and lifestyle they choose to share.  If religion is a deal breaker, then you should really be on a site or attend groups or activities that are organized for strictly for that faith. To be perfectly blunt, if you’re very religious, online dating just isn’t for you. Not the mainstream sites, any way. Same advice applies if your partner’s education really, really matters. Find a site that caters to that crowd. Sorry, but you’re not going to find a practicing Protestant with a Masters Degree on Match or OKCupid. There’s probably, like, five. James Bond types are not cruising EHarmony, either. You may wish to set your sites a bit…lower. Successful online dating requires people to pare down their “must haves” to the bare essentials. You simply can not expect online dating to be even moderately successful for you if your idea of your perfect match is too specific.

After a certain point, if you’re “never” meeting anybody that suits you, it’s time to head back to the drawing board. I know it’s not PC  to say this, but time to consider the dreaded “settling.” There just comes a point in all of our single lives where re-evaluation is required.

 

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Dating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Online Dating, Red Flags, Rejection Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Far Will A Man Go To Avoid Being The Bad Guy?

September 6, 2012 by 16 Comments

Name: jennifer
Age: 29
State: mi
Question: I meet a young man in June, we hit it off really well. A few weeks past of us hanging out constantly and so I finally “gave myself to him”. July passed every thing was great, I got pregnant(oops) and lost the baby at 7 weeks. Pretty much since I lost the baby my boyfriend has become distant, in the last few days hes been just telling me the things I wanna here, has nothing going on except taking care of his sibling and has not called or came over. He says I love you, tells me I have to be strong because of circumstances. My question is is this his way of saying he had his fun its over?

 

I would think so, yes. He’s in a no win situation. You and he got pregnant after dating barely 2 months. He likely never intended for things to get serious. Now he has to to stick it out for a period of time so that he won’t look totally heartless.

There was a letter a couple months ago from a guy who met a girl online, took her out once, had unprotected sex with her and got her pregnant. He did what it sounds like your guy is doing. He stuck around for a couple weeks until she got the abortion, gave it about another week and then broke up with her. He was going to end things anyway, but then she revealed she was pregnant. Now he’s stuck. No matter when he broke things off, he’d still always be the guy who got her pregnant and then dumped her.And when he did end things – a week after her procedure – you can be sure she immediately threw that abortion in his face. That was a last ditch effort to try and guilt him into staying with her. He did everything he could to prevent things from escalating and tried to answer every question she asked. Including the toughest question:

“But whhhyyyyyyy?”

The answer was simple. He said he didn’t see any kind of future with her and that he was going to end things earlier, but he waited due to her pregnancy and because he wanted to do the right thing. When she pulled out the “but you got me pregnant” card a second time, he told her exactly what I instructed him to tell her. He said, “Well, I don’t really know that for a fact, do I? If you slept with me without a condom on the first date, it’s not a far stretch to assume you’ve done it with others. I could have just walked away from you and I didn’t.” And like I predicted, that shut her right up. As usual, women get the truth that they say they crave, and then realize they didn’t really want it.

What men fear most about being honest with women is that they know, regardless of what they say, most women will hear what they want and likely hate them any way. Be honest and the woman will accuse them of leading them on for their own benefit.  Lie and the woman will probably still think they’re being deceptive in some way. That’s why many men avoid these tricky conversations all together. Cowardly? In some cases. But in most, the men know that they still will be branded an asshole. They take the hit regardless. They pray the woman will take the hint and go away quietly. And frankly, she should. Insisting upon an explanation is merely our ego talking. We must be acknowledged. It’s not enough to walk away with dignity. We need that acknowledgement to reassure us that we meant something to that man, even though we’re probably not even getting the truth.

Your guy is trying to detach from you as painlessly as possible. So let him. You knew the answer to the question before you hit Submit on the form.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Birth Control, Book, Break Ups, casual sex, Closure, Dating, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Rejection, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Many 1st Dates Never Result In a 2nd Date

August 1, 2012 by 71 Comments

We had some interesting questions at last night’s He Said/She Said event. Here are a few:

 

He Asks:

Why spend 3 1/2 hours on a 1st date and then no 2nd date?

Well, if this first date came from an online dating site, the likely answer is that the person you went out with had another date the next night and liked them more. If someone spends almost 4 hours with you and doesn’t think a 2nd date is warranted, you’re better off without them. Let’s be honest here…we know in a matter of minutes if we’re attracted to someone. If someone had a critical personality flaw, it’s unlikely that someone would be able to tolerate them for almost four hours. Which means that your date was either sticking it out to get laid, waiting for the opportune time to leave or is inherently flakey. Often times we’re so stuck in our head and projecting our feelings on to the other person that we can’t really tell what they think of the date. Last week I mentioned how I wouldn’t go out with someone who had viewed my profile multiple times without contacting me. It’s just an email, and it might lead to a simple drink. Let’s not overthink it. I feel the same way about people who go on dates and stay out for several hours only to email you the next day and say, “I don’t think we’re a match after all.” Really? Okay. Equally annoying are the people who use online dating sites, go on one or two dates with someone, and decide to “focus on that” but yet still keep an active profile and log in regularly. Um..what now? How is that focusing on your current situation?

Speaking of which, I came across a profile on OKCupid a few weeks ago that I thought was…interesting. The guy put a disclaimer at the top of his profile. It said that he had met someone on OKC and was no longer meeting anyone. Then he wished everybody luck. Question: why not just take down your profile? Oh, because you still want people to message you? Or is it so that you could put that statement at the top of your ad so that when the woman you’re dating checks to see if you’ve logged, she’ll see it? It’s one of the two. It is not that you’re a devoted boyfriend. So get over yourself. And girlfriend? If you don’t see the fact that he hasn’t disabled his profile as a huge red flag, you’re an idiot. Many women tend to see disingenuous gestures like that as complimentary when they’re not. (See the “what defines a gentleman” section below.) The guy put that in his profile not because he doesn’t want to date anyone else but because he wanted to be seen as a “devoted” or “honorable” guy. It was strategic, not authentic. Don’t be fooled.

 

He Asks:

Why is every cool, hip chick I know single and looking for a decent guy – i.e. me – yet when I approach – like a gentleman I may add – it is always an uphill battle?

Well, for starters, you say things like “cool, hip chick.”  Words like that went out with bell bottoms and lava lamps, Johnny Bravo. (Please, please tell me you get that reference.) So there’s your first hurdle. You try too hard, which indicates weakness. We’ve said this before…nothing is more unattractive than passivity and weakness. That’s the wrong kind of vulnerable. Sadly, most women just don’t respect that.

As for your gentlemanly approach, let’s break down that word. How men define what it means to be a gentleman and how women define it are two very different things. It’s appropriate that I am listening to “Hanky Panky” by Madonna right now as I type this. There are a few interesting lines in the song that I think explains what women really want.

I don’t want you to thank me/I just want you to spank me

Don’t slobber me with kisses/I can get that from my sisters

Don’t take out your hankerchief/I don’t wanna cry/I just want a hanky panky guy

I don’t like a big softie/I like someone mean and bossy

When many women say they want  a guy who is a gentleman, what they mean is they want a man who demonstrates how much he values/cares for/is attracted to her through insignificant gestures, like paying the check. Oddly enough (not really) those women tend to end up with asshole after asshole. Know why? Because they like assholes, they just don’t realize it.

Women want a man who is going to be assertive and take control and who will keep us on our toes. Some women want men who treat them poorly. Other women want men who challenge them, maybe even push their boundaries a bit. The truth is, we don’t want  a “nice guy.”  We just say that so we sound sensible and rational. The trick is finding that guy who possesses that unpredictability and grit while also displaying an accessible level of vulnerability. (See my imaginary boyfriend Jeremy Renner, pictures above.)

Photo credit – Esquire Magazine

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Filed Under: Book, Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating is Fun, Dating The Crazy, Manly Man, Potpurri, Rejection Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Do You Date While You’re In Transition?

June 1, 2012 by 14 Comments

Name: John
Age: 45
State: NY
Question: I have worked for the same large company for over 20 years. A year and a half ago, I sustained a neck injury which prevented me from working. Fortunately, the company had a policy where longer term employees can be on fully paid medical leave for up to 2 years.

I am now fully recovered from my injury but due to the red tape between my company and the insurance company, it may be a couple of more months until I am actually working again.

During my recovery, I had no interest in dating but now that I am fine again, I am ready, willing and able to date. This will be the first time I will try online dating.

My question now becomes, will that story be a turn off to perspective women? Should I not mention this at all and just act like I am working? It would be quite easy to do and would solve my dilemma. But I wouldn’t feel comfortable about lying or misrepresenting myself.

The most conservative option is to just wait until I am at work again and this won’t even be an issue. Is it unreasonable to want to begin now? I see some ladies that I would like to contact and am afraid they wont be there when I am actually at work a few months from now. Your thoughts?

 

I have to say that I’m torn on this. I think your success depends on how you present the situation. You’re not out of work. You’re waiting for the green light to go back to work. So you have the desire to work. That’s what really matters.

I think what might get in your way is if you hide your situation in some way. Here’s an example of what I mean.

I once met a guy online who said he lived in Manhattan. His profile said that he had just moved here for work. When we were making plans to meet up, I asked him in what part of town he lived. That’s when the real story came to light. He was staying with a friend while he looked for a place. He had been there for almost 6 months. Now, here’s my thought process:

*Who comes to NYC to work without a place to live?

*Why hasn’t he been able to find a place to live in 6 months?

The conclusion I came up with was that he likely wasn’t working steadily and couldn’t afford to get a place yet. Or that he was here on a whim and likely might leave in the not too distant future. In any case, I decided not to meet up with him. Oddly, he was probably the fifth man I had met online in about a year who was couch surfing while he “looked for a place.”

There have been times when I’ve stopped dating while I worked various things out. I didn’t feel, for whatever reason, I was in a position to start dating anyone. I think it’s easier for a woman to do that, though, than it is for a man. Even in these times, women tend to expect men to be stable and secure. You are both. You’re not the problem. The problem for you is going to be how the women you meet perceive your situation.That’s why transparency is key.

Overall, I think people in some form of transition – out of work, in between apartments, bouncing back from an illness or injury – tend to be perceived as a liability in some way.  We wonder if their current situation will eventually pose a problem and make things more difficult. For me, I hated the idea of always being the one expected to host the sleep overs. It put unnecessary pressure on me. I can handle the out of work thing. I can deal with the financially strapped thing. But the couch surfing thing is something I don’t want to deal with. Am I being unfair or maybe a little too rigid? I’m sure. If I’m to be honest, someone sleeping on someone’s couch doesn’t exactly say, “Looking for a relationship” to me, either. That would be my main concern: what are they really looking for?

My concern for you, John, is that if you mention your job in your profile and then reveal your current situation in person, women will assume you were being deceptive. They’ll feel they were led on under false pretenses.  If you don’t mention your job and wait until the initial meeting to share that info, women might still feel deceived.

Sadly, I think a lot of people look for reasons to blow someone off.  Women especially. With all the paranoia out there about scammers and serial killers, some guys don’t stand a chance unless they provide a credit report and a blood test by the end of the first date. I was reading a website yesterday that offered classes on how women could verify academic/work history and determine a man’s approximate salary and rent payments. No joke. If they see a gap on your LinkedIn profile, you’re suspect. It’s ridiculous.  Here’s how you avoid being scammed: don’t give them any money and leave if they ask you for it. There. Simple. I think what women fear more than anything is feeling stupid for trusting someone who by all accounts presented themselves as too perfect. Here’s the mantra, folks: If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Everybody lies. It’s just a fact of life. I know people who say that they’re “Ivy Educated” and it turns out they actually graduated from a  state school but went to a one year graduate program at an Ivy college. People do this stuff all the time. The problem isn’t really the embellishment. It’s our expectations and immature ideas about relationships.

That’s why I think John needs to make a brief mention of his situation in his profile. Something like:

“I’m anxious to get back to my job as a glass blower after a few months off due to an injury.”

Then he’s at least being upfront and won’t be selling himself in a way that will be perceived as dishonest. Undoubtedly, some women will take that and run with it and ask him what happened. That’s when he could offer more information.

Could it affect your prospects, John? Maybe a little. But those women who wouldn’t reply aren’t women you’d want to meet anyway. In which case, being upfront might be a good way to weed out the wrong people.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Dating, Online Dating, Red Flags, Rejection Tagged With: , , , ,
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