I’m a gay guy, middle aged, I had taken myself off the dating market for several years due to depression issues,etc. I finally got on a good antidepressant, moved back to my dream city and decided to engage in life. I started online dating. A guy from another city found my profile, said he was thinking of moving here and asked if I would have dinner with him. I said okay. We met, he worked for a major airline and was in town for the night. He actually lived thousands of miles away but said he really wanted to move to my city. It was one of those times when you meet someone and it feels like you’ve been struck by lightning, it was magic. He said he felt the same way. Everything was great for almost two months. He visited a lot and we talked on the phone daily, he really injected himself into every aspect of my life. He suddenly decided, without talking to his doctor, to double the amount of antidepressants he was taking. It totally changed his personality. One night when we were on the phone, he had an ugly, biting remark in response to anything I said, I hung up on him. A few nights later, he became furious and started screaming at me over basically nothing. He texted me a day later and said it was over. He refused to speak to me for three months. Though I mostly got over it, I needed emotional resolution. In February, I sent him an email and to my surprise, he responded and said he missed me, also that he was off of the meds. We started talking again. I told him I thought he was one in a million and he said he felt the same way. Being a hopeless romantic, I sent him flowers and said I wanted him back in my life. He started calling me every day. But it bugged me that we hadn’t talked about what had happened before. I tried bringing it up and he said, “oh, why dwell on the past. What’s done is done, let’s move forward.” We finally had a serious discussion and to his credit, he made me face reality, he can’t really give up his home, his career, his friends, etc, to move here. There are a lot of logistical problems. I can’t really move there either. Moving where I currently live was my dream. He said I would end up resenting him and that much is true. We agreed to be friends and kept talking a couple of times a week, then more like once a week. I finally sent him a Dear John letter today telling him kindly but firmly that I didn’t think we should keep in touch because it’s emotionally confusing for me and I think he needs counseling because he won’t open up, never apologized for his actions, etc. But I cried off and on all afternoon. I don’t understand why I can’t get over it. I feel like I met my soulmate and then got told, no, you can’t have him. I’ve tried dating other guys but it doesn’t feel the same. He IS very, very good looking and we have great chemistry, but otherwise, there’s not much there. Why can’t I move on and be happy?
You can’t move on because you don’t want to move on. You’ve convinced yourself that everything this guy said and did was genuine and real. Sorry, it most likely wasn’t.
He probably knew all along he wasn’t going to move to your city. He was looking for a pit stop and he found one, and I have no doubt plenty of others. Typically when someone from hundreds of miles away contacts you on a dating site, they’re not looking for anything terribly substantive. I think you’re assuming that, because he flew to meet you and continued to email you and put in “effort,” that his interest must be sincere. You have to understand that if someone has the means to travel for weekend jaunts, they will. Also realize that trading emails takes very little energy or time. If they have the money, then spending it really isn’t that big of a deal. Gestures like these are not indicative of how interested they are.
You moved to your new dream city and you’re probably a bit lonely. You’re looking for a connection or some kind of companionship. This guy presented himself and so you jumped head first. Many of us have been there. Loneliness can encourage us to get involved in situations that ultimately aren’t good for us. Red flags were there, and like many of us do, you ignored them. Switching his meds without any advice from a doctor is reckless. This guy is a pilot? Jesus. Big. Red. Flag. Are you sure he’s even a pilot? I can’t imagine that someone with that kind of job would do that.
Whether this guy was speaking the truth about who he is and how he felt is irrelevant. It was fun for him for a time, then he pulled back. The reason? Who knows. You’ll probably never know. All you know is that this guy can’t give you what you want. You’re replaying everything over in your head trying to convince yourself that because he said or did XYZ, he must truly care or want you. Do you know why? Because that is a hell of a lot easier to swallow than admitting to yourself that you were fooled or fell for a batch of lies.This is where the need for a back story comes into play. People come up with non-existent explanations and reasons why the object of their affection lost interest instead of just accepting that they were never all that interested in the first place.
Sadly, there are a lot of people out there who will say whatever will get them what they want. You’re thinking, “It must be real. He must feel what I feel. He said such and such and that must have meant he wanted to see me again.” You think you got close to something that had been so elusive for so long. That’s your loneliness talking. We all go through it.
Tom, people lie. People look out for themselves. These persons exist. He manufactured a speech to give to you to remove himself from the situation. He likely knew all along he’d be giving that speech.
When you choose to accept that this fantasy is over, then you’ll be able to move on. For now, find other things that can fill that void you feel. You want to feel acknowledged and significant. You want to feel important to someone. Do whatever you need to do without sabotaging or harming yourself to feel like you matter. Because you do. You do matter.