Name: Butterfly
State: NEW YORK
Age: 37
Comment: Regarding your recent article “Dealing With a Massive Male Ego”, I have almost similar situation. The difference is that the guy calls or texts me everyday and always updates me with what he’s doing. He asked me if i was dating someone else at that time (which I was) after we have gone out 5 times (about 1 month). he didn’t want me to date anyone else because he felt jealous which he told me directly. Since I like him better than the other guy, so I told him I would just date him only from that day. Then after 2 months dating, I told him I put down my profile from the online dating (where we met) and which he did the same thing.

He really focused on me a lot with the phone calls/text and asking to meet every weekend. Sometimes, we would spend Sat and Sunday together.

He is not working now (has been 8 months) but I don’t mind about this. I told him about that as long as he is motivated to find a job. He’s 40 and he is not rich. For me, materialistic things is not important as long as he is not lazy and caring towards me.

The only thing that bothers me is that he doesn’t seem to make an effort to think of idea of things to do every time we meet. We always do the same thing during summer, beach, picnic and movie. He never mentions the idea of dining out which I understand because he’s not working. Now is Fall season and he only suggests movie and coming over at my place. There are so many free things to do in NYC. I don’t mind suggesting ideas but it feels he doesn’t have effort or wanting to please me. i don’t need to be courted all the time but feeling that you are being wanted by your partner is always a good thing to know whether you are single or married.

Second problem which is more or less related to the first one, thus because he is effortless to give ideas of dating, he doesn’t seem to show any care towards me. He did tell me before that he wants an independent girlfriend who has her own life. I do have that as I’ve been busy all week and when I do spend my weekend with him, it’s nice to know that he shows care and love towards me. At least if he is not rich or financially capable, the only thing you can shower me is your care. That’s all I need. Simple. If you can’t afford to take me dining out but to shower me with genuine care like picking me up or sending me home is really nice. He only did once (He lives in Palisades Park which is not far from NYC) and seems reluctant to do it again. Everytime I have to take bus to go his place. He seems reluctant too to come to the city. It looks like he wants exclusivity but without responsibility. In that case, why doesn’t he just stay single ?

Thirdly, I don’t feel he is being real meaning he seems being in egg shells. That makes me feeling uncomfortable with him. I feel he’s sweet on the surface only. I mean I saw him get mad once and I know he has temper. He doesn’t seem to be compassionate and loving, contrast to what I’m looking for in a guy. One time, I was really starving at his place, so I asked him if I could cook the corns. He told me just cook 2 pieces with not happy look. I don’t want to be with a guy like that, so cheap and nickle and dime with me.

I told him I need a break to think about the whole relationship now and don’t know until when. It’s been 3 days. So what do you think I should do ? Like what you said in your article, he’s not going to pursue me because with his male ego. He is pretty good-looking and knows he can get any women he wants. I haven’t slept with him yet even though we have been together 3 months (thanks God!). I have to be emotionally connect with someone before I sleep with him. Should I write him an email and tell him the real reasons and see what he’s going to say or just break up with him ?

i don’t need to be courted all the time but feeling that you are being wanted by your partner is always a good thing to know whether you are single or married.

Bingo. Here’s the issue.

You’re absolutely right. It’s important to feel wanted by your partner. So can you understand that since, after 3 months of dating where he texts you all the time and invites you over and takes you out, he might feel a little unwanted because of the fact that you’re not having sex with him?

You seem to want him to make all kinds of effort and take all kinds of risks…but you won’t take a risk by entering in to a sexual relationship with this man.

The reason I and other’s have said not to bone every guy you have 3 dates with is NOT to get him more interested is so that you don’t end up boning 400 guys waiting for Mr. Right. Some women can handle it (the rare unicorn) but for many others having sex with that many guys just for them to all walk does a number on you mentally. It’s fairly unnatural for a woman to run her life in this way and there are emotional consequences. You’ve even said yourself that it’s trying to have sex like a man and many can’t do that. – Saj

But see, that’s the problem in a nutshell. This childish idea of “Mr. Right” and all the other silly fantasies that women’s heads are filled with are the very reason why they’re being ruled out. Nobody is going to know if someone is “Mr. Right” after just a few months. Really knowing that takes a long, long time. – Moxie

Yes, having sex with someone is a risk. I understand. More importantly, men understand this. They get it. They get that many women are very, very afraid of being played or getting hurt. They understand. They realize that there are assholes out there. Where they stop being so compassionate is when they’ve done as much as they can or are willing to do and the woman isn’t acknowledging that, by doing all these things and making this effort, they are taking their own risks.

Yes. There’s a risk involved for men, too. There’s a risk they’ll be taken as a chump. There’s a risk they’ll fall for someone who doesn’t return the affection or emotion. There’s a risk that they will spend so much time on one woman that they’ll miss out on other opportunities.  Women aren’t the only ones who risk getting used or hurt or frustrated.

Getting a woman to have sex with him isn’t just about getting off. The sex is a sign that she’s willing to risk and trust and is available and that she’s just not out to get some free meals or attention. See, for every guy we ladies have dated that was just looking for a quick lay and nothing more, who bamboozled us or tapped in to our insecurities, there’s a woman out there who has done something similar to a man. For some reason, a lot of women completely ignore the fact that men have feelings and emotions, too. The men are afraid of being used, too.

I was having a Twitter conversation a few weeks ago with a bunch of people. The topic of sex came up, and the guy in the conversation said something along the lines of how, if a woman slept with him too soon, then she’s not relationship material because she’s probably done that with other guys. Okay. But what if those “other guys” were all men she thought had potential, that she liked and that she hoped to know better? Does that still make her “slutty?” So, you’d rather date a woman who is now gun shy and not trusting of men simply so you can feel special? Okay. Let me be clear, had he said that he prefers to get to know someone before having sex, I’d have had no problem with his reasoning. If that’s what is right for him, then he should do it. Where  I had a major problem is when he admitted that he wanted to believe that there was something special about him that set him apart from other men. So it’s not really about wanting to know the woman cared about him. It was about wanting to be “better” than other men, thereby not making it about developing a connection with the woman at all. The woman didn’t really factor in to the decision. It was about him. That is ego dating, and it ain’t good.

I was saying to a friend of mine the other night that there has been a distinct change in my dating behavior in the past 9 months or so. I couldn’t pin point it then, but I can now. My ego took a brutal beating about a year ago (literally almost to the day.) Something about that situation changed me in a pretty profound way.  I was certainly quite unsteady and overly anxious in the months after. Anxiety has always been a issue for me, since I was a kid. But this was particular bout was like nothing I’d ever experienced – hair falling out, quick weight losss, stomach issues. (None of this was caused by a man. It’s was a pre-existing thing. He just made it worse. Well, I made it worse. ) This was always something that I’ve dealt with to some degree, since childhood.  And then, this summer, something kicked in. Many other things had finally locked in to place, things that weighed me down and made me feel bad about myself. Something about that whole several month period made me tougher, I suppose. I just stopped taking it all so damn personally. I stopped feeling ashamed. I stopped analyzing every situation and weighing pros and cons. I stopped listening to the white noise.  It really wasn’t as much about me as I had thought. If a guy did something shady, oh well. That’s about him. If a guy I dated for two months couldn’t give me more when I asked for it, so be it. Doesn’t make him a bad person, it was just a bad fit.

What all of that really made me realize is that, if you let your ego steer you and it becomes about winning or being validated or being “special” you end up a) attracting people equally ego driven and insecure and that will devolve in to a brutal grudge match of sorts, weakening you even more and b) driving the right people away.

OP, here’s the skinny. The guy probably resents you to some degree for not having sex with him. It’s not the sex that he wants. I mean, it is, of course. We all want and like sex. What he wants is for you to demonstrate that you seem him as being worth the risk. The sex isn’t just about the orgasm. Many women and men need to get over this need to feel “special.”  It takes so much time and interaction – and risk -  in order to make that kind of determination. Besides, there’s something so entitled about needing to feel elevated above others.  Yes, you might end up having sex and then the other person blows you off. That’s not about you. That was predetermined all along. As I said above, if that happens consistently, then you need to re-evaluate how you make decisions and who you choose to spend time with rather than project all your resentment on to the opposite sex.

You should never, ever, EVER let another person’s attention or behavior determine how you feel about yourself. Ever. That is so dangerous and counter-productive. If you need to feel special, then that’s a sign that you don’t feel good about yourself, and you need to deal with that.