Name: Anon | | Location: Hartford , CT |Question: I found out over the weekend that my boyfriend’s ex-wife contacted him in December asking saying she still loved him and that she regretted the divorce and wants to reconcile. He had me read his response to her, which was kind and compassionate, but didn’t leave a lot of room for her to think he was interested. He told me she sent him an email the next day retracting the first email. He thinks it was probably a drunk email sent on their anniversary, no less.
When I met him, the divorce had only been final for 3 weeks, but he told me they had been separated for two years. What he later disclosed was that they were going back and forth trying to make it work up until just a few months before he met me.
We’ve had quite a few discussions this weekend, and what has come out of it is that he still has his teenage ex-stepkids’ numbers in his phone, as well as his ex-moth
er-in-law, though he says he never calls and they don’t call him. His ex-stepdaughter sent him a fundraiser request a couple of weeks ago (he didn’t contribute), about the same time her mother declared her love for him. There had been no contact from/to the kids for the months we’ve been together up until then.
We’ve been together 9 months, and he was with her for six years. I’m finding myself wanting to bail. I don’t really want to stick around to see if anything more develops out of this, and there is also a part of me that feels their relationship was so much more legitimate (they said vows for pete’s sake and were a family) than ours is, and if they are going to reunite, I should get out of the way. However, I really love this guy and was totally planning a future with him.
My boyfriend thinks I’m nuts, as he says he has no interest in reuniting with her whatsoever. We both have struggled with ridiculous insecurity issues, but it seemed to be getting so much better up until this weekend. I’m not sure how to proceed, other than a lobotomy which I’m pretty sure my insurance won’t cover. Any thoughts? And please don’t just tell me I’m crazy, I kind of already suspect that – I’m just trying to get un-crazy by reaching out for some help.
It really doesn’t sound to me like this guy has done anything wrong. To me, it sounds like you’re looking for a reason to bail before you get hurt. Which I get. But how many times are you going to do that before you just face up to what’s really bothering you?
I don’t see anything strange about the fact that he still keeps his ex-stepchildren’s or ex-mother in law’s numbers in his phone. Maybe it’s me, but half the time I can’t be bothered to delete people from my cell or Faecbook. And they are his ex-step-children, after all. Just because he and his wife got divorced doesn’t mean he just walks out of those kid’s lives. If anything, I find that pretty admirable.
The only way you’re going to get “un-crazy” is to face “The Crazy” head on. That’s the only way you can grow and get past it. Not sure there is much else I can say here.