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Spring Fever Is A Great Excuse To Have Sex..Or Not

May 17, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 2 Comments

It seems I have developed a bit of a food allergy. I think. I hope. The right side of my tongue and my right hand/arm are tingly. Overall, I’m feeling a bit wonky and weak. I never get sick. When I do it kinda wipes me out. In any case, I don’t feel up to writing a full post. This was originally written Apr 4, 2011. The post generated 76 comments. Since we appear to have a whole new batch of readers, I’m going to repost this. PS? Last night a good friend of mine made me a delish salmon dinner. (The suspected culprit of aforementioned wonky-ness.) We were standing outside his building, enjoying the view (see pic at right) before we went for a walk, when Jude Law walked right past us. Omigodomigodomigod. Talk about enjoying the view.

Name: M. | | Location: New York , NY |Question: I met a guy about 6 weeks ago who I really like. We’ve had 4 dates so far, despite the fact that he’s made 5 business trips to the West coast during this time. Considering the weekends that he’s had with his teenaged kids (he’s divorced) and the time spent traveling, it seems he’s made an effort to try to see me as often as he reasonably can. We always have a great time: great conversations and blistering chemistry. There are calls, texts, emails from him every few days or so.

We got tickets to see a play this upcoming Sunday. It’s a matine (2pm) and in the email where I accepted his invitation I said how cool it would be to wake up together in the city (he lives in NJ) and walk across town to a matinee then a have a great dinner. I also added “not a suggestion…just dreaming out loud”. I did this because although our time together always includes heavy petting and kissing, our emails and texts are always platonically friendly and I felt like adding a bit of romance to one for a change, in a fit of Spring fever. He had already invited me to go on one of his trips with him but I declined, and he had also invited me to spend the night at his place, which I also declined. My image of waking up together was maybe to let him know that I was thinking along those lines for the future, if not now. I admit that I didn’t really give it much thought before sending it.

He didn’t respond to the email (which I didn’t expect him to do, since there was no question in it) but in a phone call a few days later he says, in passing, how much he’s looking forward to Saturday and Sunday together. I was confused since we didn’t have plans for Saturday, so he brought up my email, which surprised me since I forgot about it as soon as I hit ‘send’. I remember stuttering something about how I did write that it wasn’t a suggestion, but he said that it sounded like such a good idea. Since I really, really hate discussing anything serious over the phone so early on I let the matter drop. Now as the time is approaching he mentions again how much he’s looking forward to our weekend together. He mentioned going out in Manhattan Saturday night, both of us going back to his place in NJ, making brunch together Sunday morning then driving back to the city for the play.

Moxie, the problem is that I don’t feel connected enough to him to sleep with him (and spending the night with a guy who lives 30 minutes away and not sleeping with him seems a bit silly to me). Yes, I am turned on by him physically, but at this point if I never heard from him again I would just think of “that cool sexy guy what’s-his-name…too bad nothing came of it”. I really enjoy sex with a guy I care for, but don’t really care to have sex with a guy I barely know. I’m seeing other guys (not having sex with them either) and as far as I know he’s seeing other women and if he’s not it’s because his schedule’s been too busy. At this point I don’t really care if he’s seeing other women: we’re still getting to know each other. Six weeks would ordinarily be long enough, I suppose, if he hadn’t been travelling, and if our phone calls had been more than brief chats to check in and exchange pleasantries.

How do I tell him that I’m not ready to sleep with him? I’m perfectly fine with the way thing are going, and don’t want to imply otherwise. I’m afraid any explanation will send the wrong signal: I’m not putting him off because I don’t want him or like him. I’m just not ready for sex with him. I don’t want to tell him this in an email or over the phone. I can’t wait to see him (it will have been three weeks since our last date) but is it fair to meet him on Saturday and then tell him that we can go out that day and again the next day, but we’re not having sex? Should I call him beforehand and tell him, or cancel our plans for Saturday? (I cancelled one date on him already because of illness). I really dread inserting a note of confusion into something that’s going so well so far. No need to tell me all of this was my fault for bringing up the romantic scenario in the first place…I’ve already given myself enough lashes for that one! How should I handle this without changing the fun vibe between us? |Age: 40

I’m not sure you can put this particular genie back in the bottle, I’m afraid. This guy is going to feel like he’s being used and manipulated.

Six weeks would ordinarily be long enough, I suppose, if he hadn’t been travelling, and if our phone calls had been more than brief chats to check in and exchange pleasantries.

Okay. Which is it. You start off by saying he’s made a great deal of effort and seem impressed by that. But here you seem to be downplaying the effort and time you’ve spent getting to know him.

Yes, I am turned on by him physically, but at this point if I never heard from him again I would just think of “that cool sexy guy what’s-his-name…too bad nothing came of it”.

If you were as detached as you implied, you wouldn’t be trying to be romantic with him. You just wouldn’t. You said it yourself in the opening of your letter. You really like him. Again, you’re contradicting yourself. I don’t think this is a matter of you not knowing if you like this man. I think you’re afraid he doesn’t like you. I also believe you’re afraid you’re going to have sex with him and he’s going to disappear. You know what? He might. He might never call you again. He could be dating Lord knows how many other women and spending alternate weekends with them. This is fear at work. But fear of what?

I understand the need to be comfortable with a man in order to have sex with them. But more often than not, this is a bullshit excuse women use when what they’re really wanting is proof the guy isn’t going to leave them. Well, you’re never going to get that. A man or woman can make all kinds of promises and still leave.Let me explain something to you…regardless of whether you have sex with him, if he’s going to bail, he’s going to bail. The sex isn’t going to be a factor.

Well, other than not having it. That will be a factor. Especially now since you put it on the table. Most people – male or female – would interpret “I want to wake up with you” as “I want to have sex with you.”

I really enjoy sex with a guy I care for, but don’t really care to have sex with a guy I barely know.

But…the chemistry is “blistering.” How do you build such intense chemistry with a man you’re so lukewarm about and barely know? Once more, you’re contradicting yourself. You go from saying that the chemistry is blistering to saying that the phone conversations you have are merely an exchange of “pleasantries.”

I’m not putting him off because I don’t want him or like him. I’m just not ready for sex with him.

Well, I guess the first thing you need to do is figure out why, exactly, you’re not ready for sex with him. You’ll spend two days with him. You’ll sleep over. You’ll engage in heavy petting. So what’s the block? Because I don’t buy for a minute it’s that you aren’t sure how you feel about this man.   I’m going to throw this out there….do you think you canceled one of the dates to see if he would follow up and reschedule with you? You know..a test of his interest? I’m just asking you to consider this possibility.

The problem with tests is that more often than not they don’t work. Well, they do, but not in the way you think. Now, should things not work out, you will have a specific incident to refer to to explain why this guy never calls again. At least this way you’ll know instead of wondering what you did wrong or what happened. Now you have some control in the dissolution of this relationship. Which is better than torturing yourself, right?

Wrong.

You messed up here. You know it. The question is why. Sure, this guy might be understanding and get past this. Which would probably “prove” to you how invested he is. I think that’s what you’re looking for, whether you know it or not.You’re looking for proof. And this very well might be a test. Or you’re not really interested in having a relationship at all. We said in yesterday’s post that there are a slew of men who date who know, either consciously or unconsciously, that they don’t really want  a relationship. there’s a growing number of women who are doing the exact same thing.

The only way to save this situation is to be totally honest with him. Talk to him about it. Explain what you’re feeling. That is the only way to save this. But you’re going to have to willing to be honest with yourself first. Do you really want to try and salvage this? Because if you don’t, then stop wasting this man’s time. This letter was  a series of excuses and contradictions.

Filed Under: Dating, Sex, sexuality, Signs of Interest, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , ,

My Inner Fat Girl

May 14, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 29 Comments

Originally posted Jan 24th, 2010 – 34 Comments

New Response written May 15th, 2012

Name: lost |  Location: Vancouver , Washington |Question: Dear Moxie,

I am chronically single.  I’m a 30 year old female and I live a simple life.  i’m not complicated when it comes to likes and dislikes, i’m not into games, I have never even been given a gift by a man, ever, so clearly I’m no gold digger.  I have had 2 boyfriends and only one was serious about me and this was 10 years ago.  He cheated on me and no man has ever been faithful to me or kept me around long enough to find out if I’m worth keeping.

I am beginning to think something is seriously wrong with me.  I am overweight but not crazy and I recently lost 10 pounds.  Due to some health issues my weight has always fluctuated and I am not sure I can ever be skinny. But I can do all my best to be the healthiest best me I can be.

I recently had a man show serious interest in me or so I thought.  I wound up staying the night with him and I’m sure that was a huge mistake.  I saw him on a dating site after not hearing back from him, and he even told me how much he liked me.

I felt all my old wounds open back up again after this experience.  I believe I am pretty or at least cute.  I realize I’m overweight but I am proportionate and carry myself with pride.  I have a pleasant personality and many wonderful friends who find me to be funny and warm hearted.  I know I am not perfect but I’m not looking for someone perfect either.

I just wonder why I am unable to attract anyone at all.  I smile and laugh, I don’t party or get involved in drama, I try to further my life despite setbacks and hurdles.  I think I have a positive, optimistic outlook.  I spent quite a few younger years being depressed and for several years have been taking good care of being my own best friend.  I decided I would not let my life be so sad and I took control to make it better.

I have been stood up far more than my fair share of times so it can’t be that once in a while I make a poor choice and sleep with someone too soon, since sometimes I’m not even given a first date.  I have also been what I consider mildly abused.  I say mildly because I was never in any danger and I was never really harmed.  It was just not ok behavior from men but I’m only now seeing this.

I have been in councelling and learned a lot.  But I have yet to figure out why it is men treat me so poorly or wont even look my way.  Before this recent encounter (and I did like him very much), I had not been searching for anyone, I took myself off the market because I considered myself so undateable that the chances of getting hurt again were so high, I didn’t think I could go through being hurt again.  I’ve lived almost as if I don’t care at all about guys, never even flirting.  Now that I realize I’m no nun and this has been torture, I want to know why other women seem to have fun flirting, dating, meeting guys and eventually falling in love and I can’t even find someone to treat me like I’m human.

Why do I have such awesome family and friends who love me deeply, and I can make friends at the drop of a hat and always could, but I cannot for the life of me attract anyone even long enough to flirt, let alone date or marry?  I’m typically not even thinking poor me, I usually think, what can I do to change this?  What can I do to make life better?  What do I need to do to achieve my goals and dreams?  And then I go do those things!  But seeing this most recent man online looking for a long term relationship, when I was seriously interested and he said he liked me, now nothing, makes me believe the worst about myself.

Why am I so undateable? Is weight really that important when I take care of myself, I am clean, I am thoughtful, I dress the best I can afford? I have a big heart and would really take care of a man.  What gives?  Why am I stood up so much and why am  I left so quickly? I don’t even get clingy because I know that it drives men away, so I’m even aware and steer clear of that! Honestly are looks THAT important that a simple girl can’t date just because I don’t look like a magazine model? Is weight so important that I am undateable until I reach my goal weight? Should I give up on dating altogether unless I can weigh 125 pounds???|Age: 30

 

The other day, I linked to a story written by a woman who had been blown off by a guy. Apparently he was intimidated by her size. Despite his obvious assholeishness, the woman told herself that she and he could be friends. Fast forward a couple of days and she and the guy are texting and he asks her what she’s doing that day. She says she hadn’t even taken a shower yet, so she didn’t know. Which then in turn inspired this jackass to say that now he was fantasizing about her in the shower. If that weren’t bad enough, he then went on to tell her that he believed that if they had sex, she would probably make his penis look small.

That story made me dig through my the archives to find  this old post.

For a man to say to a woman that he believes her size will make his penis look small by comparison, he has to be seriously deluded to think that that wouldn’t be considered offensive. Which means he either is completely clueless or he didn’t care if he hurt her feelings. She already came back around once despite his initial obnoxious commentary. That told him that this was a woman he could dump on and she’d still come back for more.Women can be plus-size and have high self-esteem and pull very attractive – objectively or to them -  great guys. We’ve all seen it. But the self-esteem  is the key. If that doesn’t exist, you can be sure they will attract every cruel, self-serving asshat like the guy in the second woman’s story.

Why am I stood up so much and why am  I left so quickly?

Here’s why: because she’s overweight and picking the wrong guys. That is the answer, folks. It’s not pretty or sassy or cute.  That is the answer that the OP seeks. But nobody wants to tell her that. Not directly, at least. They’ll tell her that there’s a lid for every pot or that a man will love her for who she is inside. The latter is the truth. A man will love her for what’s in the inside. And on the outside.  He just might not be the guy she initially wants. Sadly, most people don’t want to hear that. They want to believe that they get a blue ribbon just for participating and that should be enough. It’s not.

I’ve spoken before of my experiences when I was overweight. There was the guy who called me “fun size.” And the guy who said that the reason he came so quickly was because, “I wasn’t the right size for him.” These experiences were humiliating and contributed to my decision to lose weight. There really is nothing like realizing that that guy who told you how beautiful and sexy you were was lying. He’ll have sex with you. But he won’t date you. When you have that epiphany and you make the connection between that and your weight, all you want to do is hide. Then you get angry. The you get motivated.To this day, when men tell me I’m sexy, I cringe inside. I fear that they’re unable to tell me I’m beautiful because they don’t think I am, so they tell me I’m sexy hoping that will be enough.  I’m at the point where I find the word “sexy” to be an insult. I wish I didn’t.  That’s my inner fat girl warning me that nobody really wants me so don’t get too cozy.

DMN likes to say do no harm. That also applies to the damage we can do to ourselves. Don’t put yourself  in positions to be shamed. The minute you see the first glimmer of someone shaming you, like the guy in the second woman’s story did, walk away. You didn’t invite that. That is not your fault. But if you continue to stick around, and you continue to experience treatment like this, then you are doing yourself harm. You are not helping yourself by running to your friends or a blog and telling everybody about the douchebag that called you fat. Or crazy. Or a loser. Or whatever. All that does is allow you to avoid why their comments really bothered you. Getting a bunch of friends to agree with you about how that guy was a tool is not a remedy for the problem. The problem is…why do you keep experiencing this particular scenario over and over. I have a theory about why bloggers make these private humiliation sessions public. I think we do it because, deep down, we want to be punished and shamed some more because we think we deserve it. That’s a vicious cycle.

I wanted a high quality guy. So I lost weight. It was either shed the pounds or try and force myself to be attracted to men I didn’t find desirable. A choice had to be made, so I made it. I wasn’t confident in my skin the way some other plus size women were. I wasn’t able to pull what they could pull. I probably could have had I not endured the self-abuse that I put myself through by insisting I could find someone to look past my weight. I refused to accept my audience and my self-esteem paid the price. I don’t want that for anybody.

Filed Under: Book, Dating, Dating & Weight, Douchey Guys, Red Flags, Rejection, Sex Tagged With: , , , ,

Beware The Man With a Savior Complex

May 9, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 24 Comments

Name: AJ
Age: 59
State: Illinois
Question: I’d like to call this “The guy who wanted a Roommate With Benefits”. I have never ran into a guy like this until now and I thought it might be interesting sharing with your readers.

First I have to preface this with I’m a 59 year old female. Unemployed Art Director, freelancing. Been married twice, 10 and 16 years respectively. Had 3 very bad relationship experiences in the last 10 years of being single again. One resulted in catching HSV.  So I was not looking.

Okay, I met a guy last year, early fall. I was out with friends at a meet-up gathering.  He introduced himself as Joe. But his name tag had a different name and I remembered his pix from the sign-up list and he looked nothing like that. Anyway he hung out with our group the whole evening. A few days later I get an email from him through the group’s email site, stating I ditched him when he went to the bathroom at the end of the evening. And gave me this phone number in case I felt like getting together sometime. Yup I did ditch him. Nice guy and all, but, had just broken up with his girlfriend of 12 years, never been married and was 9 years younger. Plus thought it best not to date a man from Meet-up considering my situation.

Well, he pursued me for about 4 months. Sometimes I’d say yes, sometimes I’d say no to going out. Most of the time I was shooing him away. Finally one night I had to drop the bomb on him. He took the news quite well and asked if we could see each other again. I said sure. He texted me the next day and we made a date for that Sunday. Then he canceled. I was pissed and hurt. Waited about a week and I texted that dating was out of the question. He asked if we could be just friends and hang-out. Sure, not really taking it seriously.

I finally gave in to dating him after another 2 months of him pursuing me in the name of friendship. We never had intercourse (we slept together and had sex) for the three months we were together, he never introduced me as his girlfriend to any of the few friends I met. One even brought up his ex in front of me one night. Asking me how she was. So I asked Joe if anyone including his family knew about me. His answer was no. I had asked him prior if it was okay for me to introduce him as my boyfriend and if we were in a relationship. He said yes.

Other red flags…constantly offered to help pay for my mortgage, offering to buy me a house close to him, asking me to live with him several times, offering to start a business with me. Really guy? All this during the three months we dated? What’s the hurry?

He was constantly checking out and smiling at any attractive women he saw when we were out, then denied it. The last straws were him telling me this. He and a girlfriend he had been living with for 10 years were not getting along. He had been sleeping on the sofa for about a year before he moved out and into what had been his girlfriend for the last 12 years. Excuse me? That’s considered cheating in a sense. I mean when did he start dating girl number two? Plus, two days later he calls me and asks if I want to go on a go-see for a building he was interested in buying. Then brings up the living together thing after two days earlier we both admitted we didn’t love each other. Are you for real? The next day my friend called and said he saw him on a hook-up sex site. I checked. There he was…The End.

I picked up what was the few things I had at his house and returned his key. He had left nothing at mine. He was there only a couple of times. Which was another red flag. Too inconvenient for him. Few other ridiculous things…I love watching those wedding reality shows. So he offers to go with me to try on wedding dresses? He was still paying for half the mortgage for his last girlfriend? Offering to move back to New York with me to help my mom out? Was he really going to give up his fantastic job for the city of Chicago? Really guy.

Why does any of this even matter?? I mean, other than you clearly are enjoying all the drama and ups and downs?

It’s as if, in your mind, it’s perfectly okay for you to be all over the place about this but he’s not. Hon, you’re both kind of a mess. And not because you have HSV, because that isn’t an issue. You’re choosing to walk around like you have a Scarlet A stitched into your forehead. Cut the woe is me stuff out. There are people out there dying of cancer. HSV? Not a big deal. You’re a mess because you have “victim” painted all over you. That’s why this guy chose you to hone in on and woo.

I had asked him prior if it was okay for me to introduce him as my boyfriend and if we were in a relationship. He said yes.

Okay. For the record? This does not mean he’s actually your boyfriend. This is not an official agreement to be exclusive. You asked if you could introduce him as your boyfriend. He said sure. He did not pledge to be exclusive. He merely allowed you to do what so many women do and put a label on the relationship to ease their minds. Men know that women just want to use the word “boyfriend” when out with their female friends.It means nothing to them.

He likes being the Savior. That’s his schtick. He finds women whom he feels need his support and attention and money and he showers them with it. It makes him feel good about himself. The bummer about these guys is that they don’t actually want the woman to get better. They want her to stay vulnerable and weak and dependent upon him. That’s the hook. He means none of what he says. He will never follow through on any of this. He wants you to get invested and attached and need him that much more. It’s a sick and twisted co-dependent relationship. Healthy, mature relationships are about encouraging each other to be the very best they can be.

You keep expressing your mistrust as though you actually believe it. You don’t. If you did, you’d have never gotten involved with this guy. You’re saying, “Really?” as though you have his number. You do. You just wish you didn’t because you want for all of this to be real.You can’t make this decision on your own. You’re looking to us to tell you either he’s for real or he’s a phony because you can’t decide one way or another on your own.

Let him find some other wounded bird. Focus on making yourself stronger so you don’t fall prey to these types again. Learn how not to trust the wrong people and make better choices. But most importantly, learn to have more conviction and faith in your decisions and trust your instincts more. The reason why you trust the wrong people is because you don’t trust yourself enough to make the right decisions.

Filed Under: Dating, Dating & STDs, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Sex, Shackin' Up, To Settle or Not To Settle Tagged With: , , , , ,

He Said/ She Said – Porn, Condoms, Cheating & Texting

May 8, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 25 Comments

Here are three questions from our last He Said/She Said event that should generate some interesting discussion.

Why are men so comfortable not wearing condoms? Why do women have to insist on it?

I would guess that men prefer bareback for the same reason a woman prefers it – it just feels better.  The sensations are all intensified. Obviously, condoms are used to prevent accidental pregnancy and STDs. But if the woman is practicing birth control and the guy knows he doesn’t have any STI’s, then he doesn’t understand why the condom is necessary. That’s why he’s usually lax about it. He’s not as worried about contracting something, so there isn’t much urgency on his part. Where men usually screw up is when it comes to pregnancy. Guys have to learn how that whole area works. Women have to be stringent about their reproductive organs and areas. Between breast exams and Pap smears, we have an acute awareness and understanding of how our parts function and therefore we know when something is off. Which means we have  more pregnancy and STD scares than men. That’s why women are so insistent. We’re paranoid. We’ve also been conditioned to believe that if we don’t use condoms that that means we don’t respect ourselves or that Karma will rear its head and infect us with herpes. If we go without, we’re foolish and reckless and have low self esteem. We’re not educated or responsible. We’re dumb.

Where this becomes a moral or ethical issue is when you make a pledge to use protection or when you’re in a relationship and cheating. If you intentionally betray a promise or have unprotected sex with someone outside of your relationship, you’re either really selfish or really passive aggressive.

From Time to time I have watched porn even when I have been serious with someone. What is the best way to bring this up? I don’t think I am addicted but once in a while I have that urge. Is this an issue?

I don’t know why you have to introduce your porn habit or collection to the women you date. Most women accept that most men watch porn. When this question was asked, one woman was very vocal about how she would break up with any guy that watched porn and that it was disrespectful to the man’s partner. Being the compassionate and sensitive woman I am, I told her she should plan on either having every man she dated lie to her or she should get used to being single. Sometimes people – men and women – watch porn because they don’t have anybody to fantasize about at the moment to help them get from Point A to Point B. Maybe they do have someone but want to switch things up.  Or maybe they just want to have an orgasm and not have to deal with any of the emotional preparation or clean up. Sometimes we just want the orgasm. You can’t take it personally if a woman uses a vibrator or a guy watches porn. There are times we just have a hit of horniness and need a release. Nobody should have to defend or explain that to someone who claims to care for them. If it bothers you, then you’re insecure and you need to deal with that without projecting it on your partner. Note that we’re not talking about porn addiction here. That’s a whole other issue.

Why is it that men only text? Do they not know women want them to take the effort to call when asking for a date.

Yes, they know. Most don’t care, because they don’t allow themselves to be guilt tripped into indulging some random woman’s need to feel special. And that is all it is – a need to feel special. Ladies, stop with the bullshit about how it’s indicative of laziness or cowardice or how it’s easier to talk on the phone. You want to feel special. End of story.

The man I’m dating admitted that he cheated on his previous girlfriend. Should I trust him?

First of all..why is he telling you this? Was this a situation where you found something out and confronted him? Did he offer this information up? If he revealed this on his own with no provocation from you, then that’s a bad sign. That’s self-sabotage or passive aggression. He’s either warning you or trying to make you insecure. If you heard this through friends or connected some dots based on other things he told you and you asked, then I don’t think it’s fair for you to hold his honesty against him. He should have lied, of course. Most men would. But he didn’t. You can’t trap the guy and then dump him for telling you something you already knew. If he lies, and you know he’s lying, you still can’t really blame him. He’s covering his ass. We all do it. That’s why you don’t ask these questions or dig for info. This just in: we’re all assholes at one time or another. Don’t delude yourself into believing you’re going to find that one special asshole-less snowflake. They don’t exist.

I think that, as human beings, we make mistakes. People cheat. It happens. Where it becomes unforgivable to me is if they did it multiple times. Especially with the same person. One time? I can forgive that. But if they did it repeatedly then they obviously were able to push past the guilt or remorse. That’s the true betrayal. (And if they did it without a condom? Well, you know where I’m going with this.) If someone can do that multiple times, that’s not someone who is safe. They may not do it again, but they have the potential to betray in other ways.

Filed Under: Birth Control, casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating, First Date Sex, Meeting Men, Men & Communication, Potpurri, Red Flags, Sex, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

I’m Not Going Home With You..And Other Lies

May 6, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 50 Comments

My friend B. was in a bar the other night watching a game. In came a woman, by herself, who sat down right next to him. They chatted a bit as he watched the game. They flirt. They buy each other a drink or two. She tells B. that she’s not going home with him that night. When the game ends, the bar opens up its dance floor and starts playing music. B. and the woman began to dance. According to B, she started pulling out some “dirty dancing” type moves. It starts to get late. B. suggests that they share a cab down town. He lives in the East Village, she lives in Brooklyn. She agrees. B. is not opposed to hooking up. Not at all. But she has already stated that that wouldn’t happen. So he tells the cab driver to make two stops. A few minutes in to the ride home, she kisses B. He kisses back. She says out loud, but to nobody in particular, “I’m not going home with you tonight.” B. gets out at his stop and pays the cab for his portion of the ride and hers and he says good night.

His question to me: “How could I have turned that around and gotten her to come home with me?”

 

To me, it didn’t sound like there was a high degree of difficulty here. The woman all but begged him to take her home. When a woman in this particular scenario announces that she won’t be sleeping or going home with with a particular man that night, what she’s really saying is, “Help me justify having sex with you.”

That’s really all we want. We want you to give us a reason to justify doing it.  We can rationalize our way through anything. You just have to give us something to gnaw on.

Give us a reason not to have sex with you and we will take that and run with it. That’s why it’s important not to say or do anything that will make us feel “slutty.” Which is tricky, since so many women like to use sex or innuendo as a way to get a man’s attention. Call the woman on her sexual assertiveness or respond to it by upping the ante and there’s a really good chance she will back down. Don’t take the bait in those cases. Let her lead. Let her think she’s seducing you. Don’t get all handsy or start in with the dirty talk. She wants to control the pace. Let her. We spoke a few weeks ago about how women need to let men think that they are the ones that inspired their more carnal desires. It’s the same thing, but in reverse. Women like this need to think that you desire them, not just sex.

I’m sure that there is all kinds of “game” out there that would have helped B. get what he wanted. I told him that maybe he just didn’t want it that bad and that’s why he didn’t try to get her in to bed. I would bet any amount of money that she would have said yes. Women like this, the ones who try to set themselves apart from other women or who attempt to make themselves more of a challenge, rarely ever are. They just want to think they are. So, if your goal is to bed them,  that’s what you help them believe. They want to think they’re different. So tell them or show them that they are.

As for the women who use this ploy, time for y’all to start owning up to what you’re really doing when you make such declarations. Either have sex with him or don’t say anything sexual in nature. Want it. Don’t want it. The topic is still sex. If you’re not looking for sex then you are seeking validation. You’re trying to get him to demonstrate to you how much better he believes you are compared to other women.

Women need to stop competing with other women in their heads. That includes trying to shame any woman who doesn’t need to justify having sex. When you hear a woman go on and on (and on) about how dehumanizing and degrading it is for a woman to sleep with a man “too soon”, what she’s really expressing is her own insecurity and competitiveness. Not for you? Super. Not getting any offers? Don’t blame us.

Just keep something in mind, guys. These types of women, the ones who need to justify having sex, usually end up being quite a handful. So weigh the pros and cons carefully. The chances that she’s going to be able to handle a casual hook up are slim. You will be expected to consistently indulge her need to feel special.

There’s also a difference between a woman responding to a man’s advances by saying, “I’m not going home with you tonight” and a woman who alerts a man to the fact that she won’t be sleeping with him without provocation. Telling a man who is egregiously coming on to you that you won’t be sleeping with him typically eggs him on. That’s why, when you’re in that situation,  you just smile and don’t react or respond. That, more than anything else, will communicate your intentions. Telling him you won’t be having sex with him will be perceived as though you are playing his game.

To me, the woman in B.’s story appeared to be seeking something. Maybe it was sex. Maybe it was a boyfriend. Maybe it was just attention. What someone like that ends up with is dependent upon the execution of the plan.  A lot of women do this. They meet a guy and they decide they just want to hook up. (More often than not, they don’t want to “just” hook up. They just tell themselves that they do.) Then, somewhere along the way she gets all, “Oh, he seems really nice and funny and genuine. I could see us dating.” Unfortunately, she’s already pulled out her Lambada moves on the dance floor or done too many shots or whatever. Now she scrambles to go back to square one. Ladies, there is no going back. Decide ahead of time what you want and then follow through. Don’t stop mid-way and try to redirect the plan. The guy will pick up on the mixed messages and he’ll bail.

Men, much like women, appreciate consistency. Where there is inconsistency, there’s drama.

Filed Under: Awkward, Book, casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating, Meeting Women, Servicey!, Sex, Understanding Women Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Just Sleep With Him Already!

May 3, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 61 Comments

I’ve gone on four dates with a very nice guy. We haven’t had sex yet, just making out and going on very date-like dates. Since I’m not in a relationship and I don’t have a “boyfriend,” is it okay to hookup with my f*** buddy in the meantime? I’m having a moral dilemma. – Nerve Confessions

When men and women do this, are they really seeking sex, or are they just afraid to lose their air bag or prove to themselves that they’re not totally into whomever they’re dating?

I mean, if it’s just about getting off, then we can do that to ourselves. So are situations like this really about sexual gratification? Or is it just our way to demonstrating (in our minds, at least)  to the person we are dating and possibly falling for that we don’t need them?

Dating someone knew can be all kinds of scary for many people. There’s so much we don’t know and there is no guarantee. Are they dating someone else? Do they feel the same way? Is this person going to end up dumping me? Maybe that’s why we reach out to our f*** buddies in these situations? To regain some sense of control or prevent us from getting too invested?

How would you react if you found out, accidentally or intentionally, that the person you are dating had sex with an FWB while dating you and before they had sex with you?

 

End of the fifth date. Both of us in our mid-30s. Making out, clothes are coming off. We’re both naked to the waist and girl says to me, “I’m really attracted to you, you really turn me on, but I want to get to know you better before we have sex.” Guys, your reaction? – Nerve Confession

Again, if the woman really didn’t want to have sex with the guy, then why is she stripping off her clothes and fooling around with him? Forget the words being said and pay attention to the actions. This woman “wants to get to know him better” before having sex. But she’s being sexual with him. Am I the only one who has an “in for a dime, in for a dollar” mentality to getting physical? Whether it’s second base or a home run, isn’t it pretty much all the same?

To me, this feels like a test. It’s not that she doesn’t want to have sex. It’s that she wants to gauge how interested the guy is in her. If he takes her out again then he’s not just interested in sex.

The real question is…does this test actually work? Is it more successful than not? Bigger question…would a woman really respect a guy who allowed her to blue ball him like this?

 

Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Servicey!, Sex

If You’re Not Getting Laid, It’s Not “Dating”

May 2, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 10 Comments

Here’s a question from our last He Said/She Said event. He asks:

How can you juggle relationships with more than one woman safely? ()Meaning without getting caught.)

Here’s the thing that annoyed me about this question. This was a blatant “Look at MEEEEEE!” Question. This was written so that the man who wrote it could jump in and “explain” why this is such a pressing issue for him. He wanted everybody to know that he managed to get two different women to go on a date with him. Congrats, brah. I knew who had asked the question, too. I had overheard him bragging to someone next to me during the cocktail hour about how he managed one night to find himself in the same room with omigod two different women he had recently met at separate events. Oh my God, you guys!!! Hilarity ensued!

Here’s the funny thing. Anybody at any time can have multiple people on their roster. You can be the biggest schlub in the world and still manage to have more than one date in a week. “Juggling” implies that you actually have on going relationships with these people. Managing to get two or three people to go out with you once or twice over a period of time really isn’t an accomplishment. Yet the people who do this frequently manage to “screw it up.” Accidentally, of course. They do things like:

  • “Accidentally” send you a text meant for someone else.
  • “Accidentally” refer to you by the wrong name or bring up something they thought you said or mentioned.
  • Feel compelled to be “honest” and let you know they’re dating other people.
  • Lead you to their Facebook, Twitter or Blog

In their mind, they’re building attraction and making themselves seem in high demand. In reality, they’re letting the other person know why they’re single in the first place. These people are trying to show that they have “game” or are “playing hard to get.” What they don’t consider is that the type of person to bite this particular hook usually ends up being more trouble than they are worth. Which is fitting, because so are they.The people they actually want are going to either drop them like a bad habit because they see through their transparent act OR they will take whatever they can get from them and then bolt. That’s what these games and strategy get you. A big fat goose egg.

Plenty of daters successfully manage to juggle multiple people. They remember names and dates. They have individual text conversations instead of multiple ones at the same time. They don’t mass text people.  They also don’t double and triple book themselves every week. The true key to juggling successfully is not to feel pressured to keep all the balls in the air at the same time. It’s okay to let one drop for a week or so. You send them a text or an email to make sure they know they’re still on your mind. You don’t go radio silent for two weeks. You invest a modest amount of time in each, with one or two getting more that particular week. The only reason somebody finds themselves in those supposedly sticky situations, like the guy who asked the question, is so that they can then turn around and tell they’re story in an attempt to impress people. Sadster.

Getting a bunch of  dates is a breeze. Getting some of those people to actually see you multiple times is where you gain bragging rights. And FYI? If you’re not sleeping with any of these people, they don’t count. Cultivating a group of men or women that text you or that you meet for the occasional drink is not “juggling” or “spinning plates.” It’s also not “dating.” I swear some people just want to fill up their phone with numbers and have people to grab drinks with just to say they’re “dating.”

Going on a bunch of dates does not increase your value in the market place. Getting laid does. I’m sorry to put it so bluntly, but it’s true. If there is no consistent sex, you’re friends at best.

Ergo, you really have nothing to brag about.

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Dating, Online Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , ,

They Always Come Back

April 29, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 16 Comments

Name: Truth or Fiction
Age: 30
State: TX
Website:
Question: Hi Moxie,

I had three short-lived online relationships the past year and a half that didn’t really go anywhere. After the last break up, I decided I was going to stop online dating for awhile, just do my own thing, and not put so much pressure on myself to be in a relationship. I called it getting my “mojo” back. I met a cute guy and had a one night stand. I had dates and flirtations with guys I met through friends or out about town. I was having fun.
I also reconnected with a guy I went on a date with from online a few months prior. We had a nice date but he made it clear he was only looking for something casual. Since that wasn’t what I was looking for at the time I didn’t return his texts. When I texted him a few months later to ask if he wanted to meet for drinks he agreed and we actually spent 4 hours at the bar laughing and talking. I’d never been in a casual sex/NSA type of thing before but I decided to give it a shot. And I also knew that if I did this I had to do it the right way and try not to get emotionally invested and be very rational about the whole thing. I am pretty sure he is sleeping with other women but I refused to ever ask or question if he is with other women.

We started out very casual and would see each other once or twice a week and he would text consistently but mostly about hooking up. And I mostly left the texting up to him. I would rarely initiate and if I had something else going on, I wouldn’t see him. Then I felt things start to change a little. He ramped up his texting to numerous times a day to just talk or banter, he started asking me to sleep over, he was very cuddly, he would want me to stay and hang out and watch movies or we would go get food together,we could talk for hours about just random stuff and just laugh and laugh, and he would always talk about next time….

One night I was coming home from the bar and I texted him to see if he was still up. He texted me back and said he was out of town visiting friends. Then he texted me telling me how sweet and beautiful I am. Not his usual type of text. I asked what was going on. And he called me. He was pretty wasted and he just kept going on about how much he likes me and he was glad I texted him because it shows I like him. Since he was so drunk it was just a rambling conversation. He called back 15 mins later to just talk again and I asked about the town he was visiting–I said I hadn’t been there in awhile–and he said next time I’ll take you with me. He texted me throughout the whole weekend and when he got back.
He wanted to see me right away but I couldn’t because I had to work late. I saw him the next day but I got to his place really late because a friend needed my help with something and I could tell he was a little upset. We never brought up the phone calls. And we were a little awkward and I was a little mean. I regret being a little mean but it came out before I could help it. The next day he texted and I made a joke about the night before and I could tell he got a little upset and our texts started dwindling a little. He told me he was going out of town for work for two weeks. My friends convinced me to go back online. Within a day of going back online he texted me and said so you are back online and I said yes. And he got a bit nasty via text. I stopped responding because I didn’t want to engage in a stupid battle.

A few days later he texted and asked where I was hiding. I said I felt our last convo got out of hand and it was pointless to continue our pointless argument. He apologized and said he had been drinking. He was still out of town and out texts picked back up again. Just normal funny conversation. He got back into town last week and I went to see him. We started kissing and he was just really nervous and he couldn’t get it up. I asked what was going on. And he said he has started to have feelings for me, he feels emotional with me, he can’t just have unemotional sex with me. I asked if he wants to have emotional sex. He said no because he is afraid HE will like it too much. that I don’t fit into his plan of fucking around for a few more years. I knew he had gotten out of a 5.5 year relationship 1.5 years earlier. And he told me his plan was to play around for a few more years and then wake up and get married. He kept telling me–you don’t fit into my plan. Then he kept saying how scared he is of what is going on between us and he is scared of hurting me. But he is so confused because our connection is so good and real. That he gets me. I asked if he wanted to give dating a shot and he said he is scared he can’t live up to being a good boyfriend to me. But he doesn’t want to lose me and wants me in his life. Blah Blah Blah. We were going in circles. And I had to go and he had to go meet a client. I said we need to finish this conversation. Don’t blow me off. He promised he wouldn’t.

Of course he did. I texted the next day and asked if he wanted to meet. He said he can’t because he is going to be with another girl (he didn’t word it as nicely) and said see? I’d be a terrible guy to date seriously. This text from him did not surprise me at all. My friends were shocked at how crude he was but knowing his personality and what he said the day before, I saw it coming. I called him out on being a wimp. He laughed, said I was funny and said he would like to see me this weekend. I said let me know when works for you and I’ll try but my patience is wearing thin. There has been no contact now since. I refuse to contact him.

The thing is if he isn’t ready to be date me then I need to walk away. I don’t want to just be his friend. Especially, after he opened this can of worms and addressed our connection. BUT something niggling in the back of my head worrying me that this may all just be some mind fuck. But I don’t see what he is getting out of it. If he is messing with my mind, what is he getting out of it? If I stop all contact, he can’t mess with me….So I think he is being honest. But I just wanted an opinion on if I am being manipulated here….And if so, why….

Thanks!!!

 

I don’t know if you’re being manipulated. Manipulation requires a level of intelligence and self-awareness. This guy just sounds …stupid.  He does and says things never really thinking about the repercussions. He just acts or reacts with little regard to how things will play out. He just likes to watch the fall out.

Within a day of going back online he texted me and said so you are back online and I said yes.

And how exactly did he know this? Because he was online, too? Oh, okay. Then it makes total sense that he would be “upset” by your decision to do the same. Think that through. Does that sound rational? Of course not. He saw an opportunity to mess with you, so he took it. I’m sure he had a good excuse as to how he found that out, too. One that in now way implicates him for doing the exact same thing you’re doing.

Then he kept saying how scared he is of what is going on between us and he is scared of hurting me. But he is so confused because our connection is so good and real. That he gets me.

What script was he reading? No man says things like this. This is the type of thing you hear in a movie. Again, this guy just seems like a dope in love with the sound of his own voice. A childish, unintelligent, overwhelmingly unimpressive dope. He’s feeding you lines, hon.

I asked if he wanted to give dating a shot and he said he is scared he can’t live up to being a good boyfriend to me. But he doesn’t want to lose me and wants me in his life.

This is the only thing out of his mouth I believe. I believe he doesn’t want to lose you in that he doesn’t want to lose the attention you provide.

BUT something niggling in the back of my head worrying me that this may all just be some mind fuck.

It is. But until you accept that and stop telling yourself it’s anything more, he’ll still be able to suck you back in. You will never change him, nor will he ever admit to doing anything wrong. He will be back. Trust me. They always come back. They do something to trigger a response. They might even make something up with the intention of grabbing your attention. He’ll come back around and say something with the intention of getting you all flustered, you’ll engage him, he’ll be sated and he’ll go away until the next bout of boredom or need for drama hits him. They’re like 16 year old girls, right down to how they fight. No matter what you say or do, they will only hear what they want to hear. So either tell him what he wants to hear so he’ll go away or don’t engage him at all.

These guys literally all take their cues from the same handbook. That’s why I say that men like this aren’t smart enough to be cunning or manipulative. They just find (sorry)a really vulnerable woman or naive simpleton and make them their audience. That’s their level. That’s the best they can do. You came around to him when you were vulnerable, so he preyed on that. That’s it. That’s your story. That’s the answer. And..scene.

 

DISCLAIMER – This site is about and for expressing my opinions.  Any likeness or similarity that they may have to persons living or dead is coincidence. I am not responsible for internal personalizations or general butthurtedness.If you’d like to file an I’m Butt Hurt!! complaint, please do so here.

Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Douchey Guys, Drama Queens, Sex Tagged With: , , , , ,

Fifty Shades of Douche

April 25, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 40 Comments

Interesting article over at The Frisky. This one is about Mad Men’s Don Draper and his supposed S & M fetish.

It’s important to note that no where in the interview with Mad Men’s creator Matt Weiner does he state that Don is into S & M.

“Don’s relationship — and [the] women in his life’s relationship[s] — between power and sex is very closely linked. And I think it’s part of the human experience. I think it’s an animal thing. Powerful men in particular seem to want to be controlled sexually. … I think what you’re seeing is that they do have a vibrant sex life, and she is controlling that part of it, and he likes it. And it’s the way they fight. And it’s kind of her saying to him, ‘You want to be this way? Then you can’t have this,’ and on some level wanting him to realize that he won’t get it. And what I love about it, and what I think is fresh, is that this woman is not judged afterward. It’s very rare for a woman to express that kind of sexual confidence and control and not be the prostitute, and be somebody’s wife and be in a relationship afterward. I’m both sexualizing their relationship and explaining her status in the relationship.”

 

Okay, but…Don does get it. Megan, his wife, does like to taunt him with the possibility that he might not be able to have sex with her should he continue to be the self-centered twat that he is. But she always gives in to him. It’s not as though she’s controlling him at all. More like she’s just issuing empty threats because she’s a child and that’s how children argue. It’s not so much a submissive/dominant dynamic as it is a parent/child dynamic. Megan is willfull, but it’s an act. There is no maturity or even distribution of power or control to Don and Megan’s relationship. Don is the one in control throughout. In fact, Don exerts a disturbing level of control over Megan. Megan was a failed actress who worked some entry level job at Don’s agency. Of course she’s going to find Don impressive. That’s part of the plan. Don is a damaged human being with a woefully fragile ego. He will never be with an equal.

I wonder if when women swoon over Jon Hamm they’re really expressing attraction to Don Draper. Hamm seems humble and sweet in interviews. And, of course, he’s quite handsome. I’m not saying all women actually want Don and not Jon. However, I genuinely believe what really draws some women to Hamm is the darker side to Don Draper’s personality.These women will never admit it, but only because, I believe, they aren’t aware of it.

Don is a narcissist. That’s what compels him to be so assertive and confident. He has to win. If you notice, he flames out whenever a client doesn’t immediately take to his campaign suggestions. He has to have the last word. Any blow like this to his ego throws him off his game. That’s why the women he chooses are noticeably weaker – emotionally, physically, professionally – than he is. He can not take on an equal. He has to be the dominant partner at all times.

Speaking of which…

Hi Moxie,

Have you read or at least heard of this Fifty Shades of Grey book? I begrudgingly read it for a book club I’m involved in and am still seeing red. Even more so when I went to the club and half the girls thought this guy would have been relationship material in the real world. I would almost go so far as to say the book is dangerous to girls and young women. I guess as someone once involved in an extremely destructive emotional sub/dom relationship in my mid 20s…the only thing good about it was it made me go to therapy to see just how fucked up the situation was. Just thought I’d throw it out there…might make an interesting blog post.

There was quite a hub bub last week over Katie Roiphe’s article in Newsweek. In the piece, she suggested that maybe some women, especially those who like to identify as feminists, actually secretly long to surrender in some way to a man like Christian Grey, the lead character in Fifty Shades of Grey. Roiphe suggests that that is part of the fascination with this book.  I’m suggesting, though I doubt I’m the first, that that’s also part of the appeal that Mad Men has for some women.

As strong and as independent as we are, there’s something about these types of dysfunctional men that we find attractive.  We like to battle these men and need to believe we can break them down so that we can feel as though we dominated them. But in order to get to that place we must endure incredible amounts of pain, shame and humiliation. We’re drawn to the psychological warfare these men provide, unaware if how truly damaged and damaging these men usually are.  We mistakenly find them charismatic. These men aren’t charming or cunning or even smart. They are broken individuals. We should fear these men but we don’t.

Ever since the book Fifty Shades of Grey made a splash, there’s been a lot more talk about “kinky” bedroom behavior and submissive/dominant relationships. To me, there’s a difference between intentionally engaging in or taking a submissive or dominant role and just having sex with someone who likes to hurt  or humiliate. It unsettles me at how often the two types of relationships get conflated.

In my mind, true healthy sub/dom relationships  involve a high level of communication and emotional maturity. Those relationships, to me, seem far more psychological than physical. They have to be in order to work.  Each partner has control and exercises it when they choose.

Don and Megan, in my mind, are not acting out some S & M fantasy. I don’t think either one of them have the intelligence or self-awareness required to  understand their dynamic, let alone exploit it for their personal sexual pleasure.

I don’t consider Don to be dominant. I think he’s a bully. And bullies are just cowards. I’m not saying that dating a guy like that can’t be intriguing for awhile. It can. Until, of of course,  it becomes exhausting and destructive. (And those situations always become destructive.) I just wish that some people would stop trying to justify their attraction to guys like Don or Christian Grey as being part of some sexual fantasy.  I think it goes much deeper than that.

I don’t think it’s a desire to be dominated that gets some of the more strong, independent women off. I think the attraction stems from a personal self-loathing or a need to be punished or an addiction to drama.  We’re not turned on by how they dominate us. We’re not even aroused. In those cases, we are not choosing to be dominated. We have no choice at all. We’re stripped of our control rather than willingly surrendering it.

That, to me, is the difference between a “kinky” sub/dom relationship and simply being attracted to assholes. That’s what many of these faux sub/dom situations are: just a woman who likes being treated like shit hiding behind sexual desire and empowerment.

Filed Under: Dating, Douchey Guys, Kinky, Men To Avoid, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , ,

What Do So Many Men Like To Talk About Sex On a 1st Date?

April 23, 2012 By Andthatswhyyouresingle 30 Comments

I have gone on 5 dates this year that were disasters. Immediately (within the first 15 minutes )they asked or hinted that they’d like to sleep with me before even making decent conversation. – Ariel

I have tried before and seem to attract very sweet, attractive men who don’t know how to take care of themselves….not to mention…managing a woman OR men whose conversation is nothing but sexual. – Gina

 

Okey dokes. I want to get to the bottom of this. What, exactly, are these men saying that have ladies believe that they are “just” trying to get into their pants?

Is it me or does this seem to be a very common complaint?

I have a few theories about this phenomenon. Feel free to express your thoughts.

1. The women voicing this complaint are using sex or the idea of sex to sell themselves online. When the man takes the bait, the woman sees that as a sign that he “just” wants sex. Self-fulfilling prophecy at work.

2. The men are horribly socially awkward and don’t realize that what they’re saying is inappropriate.

3. The men are testing the women to see how uptight they are or using inflammatory statements to try and control the dynamic and make the woman vulnerable.

4. These women are picking men based on looks and charm, and probably delving out of their league a bit, and the men are taking them out hoping they can get them in to bed with no interest in anything more. Therefore they don’t care if they offend the ladies with their sexual commentary.

5. These women are all making this all up so that they sound less rigid and picky.

The only time any guy has made any kind of sexual comment towards me on a first date is when I have done something to give him the green light OR because he assumed what I did for a living made me more sexually liberal.

I admit that the persona I have developed has probably forced me to grow a thicker skin and therefore I shrug most of this stuff off now. I also tend to avoid the guys who make their lack of social graces obvious in their profiles or in their email exchanges. Any whiff of too much innuendo and I bail.

I mentioned a few months ago that an ad for Match.com caught my eye. In the commercial, the woman was saying to the man that iPhone users have more sex. The man replied and said he had an Android. The woman laughed and said, “Too bad for you.”

Now, it’s weird to me that a) they would show this exchange at all given how sleazy it could make online dating appear, especially given Match’s recent legal issues surrounding sexual predators using their site and b) it was made to seem as though the woman was the one to initiate the conversation. What are potential users supposed to take from that ad? According to two close male friends, that is a pretty accurate depiction of many of their first online dates. Yet we rarely hear men complain that a woman was tossing around sexual innuendo over cocktails.

I am not saying that I don’t think men who make lecherous comments on a  first date don’t exist. What I’m questioning is how it is possible that so many women seem to have the exact same experience and whether their perceptions are accurate.

So…what do you guys think?

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