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Why He’ll Have Sex With You But Won’t Date You

May 22, 2013 by 36 Comments

Name: Lindywomen-upset-after-sex-780x520
Comment: I met a guy through my work a while back. At first, he was just another customer, but he became a regular and so most of our staff got to know him by name, what he liked, chatted about little details in ours/his life, etc. I wasn’t interested at first, he’s younger than me, a little out of my league (he’s very built to my curvy size 12), and we didn’t seem to have that much in common. He’s very into the workout scene, martial arts, ultimate fighting. I’m not a gym fan (though I do work out at home), and I don’t really like violent sports. (Though I suppose you could argue all contact sports are violent in their own way.) But we carried on some harmless flirtation, goofing off when he’d come in. Whatever.

We became friends on facebook. He had a girlfriend, I had a boyfriend, but he would occasionally send me messages “Hey, what’s up?” after hours. They weren’t ever flirty, we’d talk about our weekend plans, comment on some event in the city, and move on. Skip to about 6-8 months later, I’m single, he’s single. I had, on occasion, invited him out when we’d message about weekend plans, not really expecting him to show, which he didn’t. Now we’re both single and he sends me another message, I invite him out and we start some heavy flirty, sexy chit chat, what have you. He doesn’t come out, already at a friends house watching “the fight,” but the next night we meet up specifically to hook up. It was the best sex of my life (so far).

We hook up again a few nights later, I texted him, went to his place again. He has yet to come to mine and we’ve hooked up a few times over a couple months. Some with me prompting through drunk texting.

I know where I went wrong with him. I started the whole thing off with sex. I don’t mean that in the way with sleeping with someone on the first date can be a bad lead in. I mean, there has been no date. It’s only been sex. And I also know that there won’t be a relationship with this guy, even if I want the opportunity. I’m not a complete idiot. If he wanted to see me outside of HIS bedroom, he would. Simple as that.

I don’t hear from him often (though he constantly likes my photos and comments on facebook), but I ran into him recently and we had an impromptu lunch. We flirted heavily, me trying to hold back because I don’t want to jump into this again with him knowing the results. I told him about some changes with my work, how my schedule is opening up, seriously as just to say I’m excited about the changes, and he sees it as an opportunity to “sort of” ask me out. I say “sort of” because we didn’t make definite plans. He says he’ll text me and we’ll go see a movie Friday. I did get texts from him earlier in the week. But Friday has come and gone with no word.

I realize that his flirtation and mention of a date was his way of trying to keep the door open for more hook ups. And if that’s all I wanted, I’d be okay with that. So of course, since I want more, I’m disappointed. But that really isn’t my question.

I gave this guy the wrong impression. I started it out with sex, combined with a few drunk texts, he seems to think I drink a lot, an obvious turn off by his comments in conversation. But truth is, I really don’t. When he and I were hooking up, I was dealing with a rough situation with a friend, and was going out to distract myself. He just got caught in the drunk text blur.

I know I can’t salvage a potential something besides sex with this guy, even though I’d like to, but my question is: Is it worth my time to try and explain my actions to him, even when I know it won’t make a difference relationship-wise?
Age: 28
City: Memphis
State: TN

 

No, it’s not. He’s not interested in anything more than an occasional hook up.  He’s made little to effort with you beyond Liking a Facebook status. You’re done the majority of the pursuing. When he’s available, he participates. When he’s not, he doesn’t. It sounds like you kind of force situations and conversations and he just sort of goes with it to be polite or if he’s horny. Hence his half-assed plans for the movie on Friday.

You can belabor this for as long as you’d like.  It has nothing to do with how things started off or your drinking or any other combination of mishaps that has created this Perfect Storm in your head. He’ll have sex with you, but he’s not interested in dating you. That’s it. Side note: Anybody who makes snarky comments about whatever lifestyle choice you make, be it religion or drinking or whatever, is a douche. Tell him to take his pious bullshit elsewhere. He enjoys watching grown men punch each other in the face. That’s not exactly high brow entertainment. That’s a step above cock fighting.

There are plenty of reasons for why this turned out the way it did. It could be that he’s just not looking for anything too heavy or obligated right now. Or it could be that he doesn’t feel you have enough in common to have a full-fledged relationship. Or, and gird your loins folks, it could be that he’s attracted enough to you to have sex with you but not enough to actually date you.

I’m reminded of this gem of a comment from that atrocious Thought Catalog piece about “skinny minnie” speeddating:

And best of all, heavier women almost always want to please their men and really enjoy a man’s company. I’m serious, heavy women are great, not to say that thin women cannot be fun, but in my experience thin women are full of trouble and usually very high maintenance.

Translation: Fat girls try harder! Derp.

The brutal reality is that some guys actually think like that. Heavy girls are more desperate and eager to please, etc.

OP, I’m going to place my bet on the fact that he’s not attracted to you enough to date you. Either that or he places high importance on working out and staying “fit” and he thinks you don’t. Either way, this guy sounds like a flaming asshole. Stop talking to him, stop texting him and move on. Most importantly, stop looking for this guy’s approval, because you’re never going to get it.

He’ll take the sex when you offer it, but outside of that I’m not sure he’s terribly interested in you. The way this started did not play into how it turned out.

 

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Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Dating & Weight, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Facebook, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How to Avoid Being Used for Sex

May 13, 2013 by 6 Comments

Name: flyetteconfwomenz
Comment: I met a guy a few years ago and we immediately liked each  other. Circumstances beyond our control separated us but we remained in platonic contact at a distance for months afterwards. At the beginning I think he was genuinely interested in who I was, but then I got the impression he merely wanted to have sex with me. No big deal since it was me who initiated the sex talk between us. After a while all contact stopped. We kept silent for years. Recently he sent me a message out of the blue saying he wants to see me and I gave him an evasive reply because it hurt me a lot having lost the contact before and I did not want to be taken for granted. I also do not want to be perceived merely in the sexual way. He has not replied for several weeks now. Is it possible he only contacted me because he wants to have sex? I do not think it is fair for him to reappear just like that, stir my feelings and then disappear again. I have been thinking of all the possibilities of why this happened. What seems most plausible is: 1. he made a mistake, and 2. prospect of sex only.
Age: 32
City: phoenix
State: arizona

I’ll generalize a bit here and say that I don’t think men are known for taking trips down memory lane. At least not where casual acquaintances are concerned. I am always suspicious of people from my past who pop up unexpectedly at random moments. I’ve done that, usually when I’m low on prospects or feeling lonely.

Let’s face it. You’re going to try and see him again and you’ll probably have sex with him. You’re going to make him “work for it” so that you can justify doing what you would have done anyway. Here’s the thing: he knows what you’re doing. If it’s sex he’s after, he’ll play along. You did not event this game. It has been around for centuries. The only thing you are achieving by being vague and non-responsive is gaining a false sense of confidence.

I also do not want to be perceived merely in the sexual way.

Using sex to get a man’s attention is actually what leads to a woman being defined by sex. Again, men know what we’re doing when we break out the dirty talk. They are well aware that many of us are using it to keep them interested. While they might return the attention, they are still suspicious of women who employ this tactic.

I was having a conversation with some friends last week. The topic was the challenge many women who write about sex (or dating) have in regards to being taken seriously. The key, I think, is to present a more well-rounded persona. If the most notable stories a writer has in her arsenal are of the sexual variety, then she will then become identified and defined by sex. However, if she offers pieces on other topics that are equally authentic and provocative, she has a better chance of being seen as a whole person and not just a bunch of hormones with an iPad. To break it down, if you don’t want a guy to want you just for sex, then don’t use sex to keep his interest. If you do, put out. That’s it. What you truly want, OP, is for this guy to return your level of interest. It’s not that you fear that he just wants sex. You fear that you’re playing the fool. So don’t. That is a conscious choice.

At the beginning I think he was genuinely interested in who I was, but then I got the impression he merely wanted to have sex with me.

Typically, if a guy is genuinely interested,  it’s the other way around. I can’t tell if you and he ended up sleeping together or not. If you did, and all the effort he made previously stopped, then he always just in it for the sex. He didn’t stir your feelings. You did that. You can’t put that on him. You’re in control of your emotions. Not him.

The fact that this guy never replied to your email should tell you everything you need to know. He was looking for something simple. He didn’t want to deal with your Feels. This magical connection you think you had was likely in your head. This is what presents the most difficult hurdle for women. They project their feelings on to the guy. All of them. They tell themselves that because a man did A, B and C that means he truly cares for her. A lot of men will say whatever it is they think will grease the wheels. I’m not sure why so many women don’t understand that. Something else that women need to burn into their brain is that if a man approaches a woman and talks to her in sexual way and plies her with compliments and then says, ‘Why don’t we meet for coffee/a drink to talk” he’s not just looking to talk. Instead of finding his honesty so refreshing and being blinded by his compliments, a woman should feel objectified and insulted.

I think this man has made his intentions clear, OP.

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Filed Under: Dating, Meeting Men, Men To Avoid, Sex, Sexting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Would a Woman Choose a Sociopath Over A “Nice Guy?”

May 8, 2013 by 45 Comments

 

 

 

As inflammatory and baiting as this tweet was, there was some truth to it.

I do tend to agree that there is a specific subsection of women who are drawn to dangerous men. Whether they are aware of it or not, these women get something out of being victims. I don’t comprehend the complete pathology behind such attraction, but it’s naive to act as though it doesn’t exist. As I said yesterday, drama and attention is quite a draw. Those two things are used to fill the cavernous void that has resided within these women, some for a very long time. I don’t think a comparison can be drawn between those women and the one’s who are drawn to the run of the mill Bad Boy, also known as the Unavailable Guy or Player.While there are likely  similarities in the psychologies of both women, there are a few that draw a very distinct line between the two groups.

 

There’s no question that charisma and power are aphrodisiacs. But it needs to be made clear to these guys who growl on Twitter and forums across the internet that those women bring with them deeper issues. These men also need to acknowledge that part of their frustration is that  they,  guys not incarcerated or hiding in boats after a police man hunt, don’t get nearly as much pussy as some garden variety psychopaths. That’s the real complaint. I’d be happy to take part in more discussions with them if they’d just admit that. I don’t say that to bait these guys back. Truthfully, I find conversations like this exhausting and circular. I barely read the comments here any more because this blog has been infiltrated with people who desperately try to entice others into debating them using lame insults.

That said, let’s focus on the whole Women and Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy debate, sans all the talk about rapists and murderers.

The topic for this week’s Swexpert Twitter Chat is whether or not “nice guys” finish last. Some ideas were thrown out that I thought were interesting. First, some women posited that the reason why some females prefer Bad Boys is because women like a challenge. Other females taking part in the chat suggested that these dark and edgy guys bring with them an air of mystery.

Hmm. Likes a challenge. Likes mystery. Aren’t those things that women say that men prefer? Now we’re seeing where so many of these common dating myths stem from. I believe much of what women hear from their girlfriends is just personal projection and nothing more.

As I said in my piece for Role Reboot about the difference between Bad Boys and BadGirls, I think the true appeal of the Bad Boy is the potential to tame him. From my article:

The woman dating a Bad Boy probably won’t advertise that fact to her girlfriends. That is, not until she has shaped him into her ideal boyfriend. The Bad Boy is the Mount Everest of single men. Conquering him is an accomplishment. Then and only then will she come forward with the information that her man was once a player. A Bad Boy is only an asset if he can be reformed.

Most men don’t want to tame a Bad Girl. They want to experience her as is. Either she provides a welcome relief to the game playing most bachelors are used to or she is an experiment of sorts. In either situation, dating a Bad Girl comes with bragging rights.

As for the part about women needing to own their sexuality when it comes to admitting why they prefer “bad” guys, I’m not really sure sex plays as much of a part in this as these guys think. The core of the attraction, I presume to be true, is that Bad Boys and Players  can provide the woman with bragging rights and self-satisfaction.

As offended by a man’s number women claim to be, they’re secretly impressed with themselves for landing someone so desirable#swexpertchat

I think a lot of women like that a man has a lot of experience, but not because he might provide a level of sexual satisfaction to her that other men can’t. No, I think it’s as simple as she likes the idea of one upping other women. She got him. For now, of course. And when she loses him, she grieves equally the loss of her ability to lord him over her girlfriends and his presence. Yes, for some women, there is a fascination with being sexually overpowered. I just don’t think it’s the primary motivator for why so many women prefer Bad Boys.

We’re going to talk more in tonight’s post about fantasies and the lure that being dominated and degraded has for some women.

I’ll tickle your ass with a feather on that one.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating Myths, PUA, Red Flags, Sex, sexuality Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Do People Stay In Unsatisfying Relationships?

May 6, 2013 by 12 Comments

Name: Alicefrustrated-woman
Comment: I’ve been in a long distance relationship for nearly two years. We get along really well, but have some issues to work through like lack of communication and some sexual incompatibilities (he’s less experienced and isn’t familiar with foreplay, as a result he hasn’t been able to make me orgasm yet). He isn’t good with communicating when we are apart and doesn’t call or text to check in. As a result I feel like he’s completely out of my life when we are apart. He’s the same way with most of his friends and family, so I know it’s not just me: and he shows that he cares about me in many other ways when we are together. I’ve brought up both issues but he always falls back into old habits within a few days, and it’s hard for me to bring up the sex issues when we only spend a few days together at a time.

Whenever I brought up the future of our relationship he says that he’s interested in the long term, but he still hasn’t made any definitive commitments. I can’t move to where he lives because it’s a smaller city and I wouldn’t find work there: but I am willing to move anywhere else. His job allows him to work remotely, so he could move anywhere.

I’m getting to the point where I’m frustrated with the distance, and because of the lack of communication between visits I don’t think I can do the on-and-off thing much longer. It feels like I have an amazing relationship for one week a month and that I’m single and sexually frustrated the rest of the time (without the option of dating or having casual sex, something that I’ve been quite accustomed to when I was single). I also don’t want to put on too much pressure and sometimes wonder if I’m being too selfish and impatient. I’m interested in a long-term commitment and eventually starting a family: he’s expressed that he’s not adverse to kids but that it’s not something he thinks about often. I haven’t been able to get a “yes” or “no”, but I’m feeling that we’ve been together long enough that I need to either move forward or move on.
Age: 28
City: Vancouver
State: BC

 

Is this relationship really worth it? You don’t see each other that often and he doesn’t communicate or keep in touch on a regular basis. Even worse, he doesn’t satisfy you sexually. I don’t get it. What are you clinging to?

It sounds like you know this isn’t working but you’re just afraid to cut the chord. Maybe you don’t want to let go unless you know you have a soft place to land, so to speak? You seem to be choosing to stay in this holding pattern, maybe out of obligation, maybe out of fear. I’m not sure of the exact reason. I think you need to have a very blunt talk with this guy about where you stand and what you need. But then, you’ve done that. And things haven’t changed.

You’re delaying the inevitable. Stop doing that.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dysfunction Junction, Long Distance Love, Sex, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Should She Settle Before It’s Too Late?

April 4, 2013 by 25 Comments

Name: FallinAA
Comment: Hi, I am an Asian woman who has lived in the city for many years.  I met my boyfriend a year and half ago.  For the first three months or so we were just hanging out as friends.  I wasn’t physically attracted to him since he was overweight, even though he has had strong feelings for me from the very beginning.  Anyway, my feelings for him eventually grew since we have a lot of things in common, e.g. we both love traveling, hiking, biking, movies, food etc.  We also had quite some fights due to the differences in our background (he’s European).  Nevertheless we started dating exclusively and I moved into his apartment six months ago.  Things seemed to be working – he lost quite a lot of weight, we had a great vacation in Europe and met each other’s friends and family…Then he broke his knee and had a major surgery right before SANDY.  I took good care of him (“she has been an angel” is what he told his friends and family).  However, we haven’t had much sex since he had the accident.  At the beginning it was because he couldn’t move much.  But then as time goes by, some how I don’t feel the desire to do so.  And we continued to have arguments.  I am a very driven person who has her life together, while he’s laid back and some times I feel he doesn’t try hard enough to get something he wants.  And to make things worse, he started to gain weigh due to less exercise and lack of control on his diet (who drinks three bottles of beer a day while he’s still a bit overweight?).   Because things are not going well, he started to contemplate about moving back to Europe where he thinks he can have a better life.  I told him from day one that I can try to live in Europe with him for a couple years (it’s not difficult for me to get a job at my company’s headquarter in Zurich).  But I probably don’t want to live there for the rest of my life, since the US especially NYC is better for Asians like me (multi-cultural environment).  Anyway, I feel now our relationship has come to a cross-road.  I want to get married some day and maybe have a child, but I don’t want to settle with someone who is not right.  On the other hand if I broke up with him, what’s the chance of finding the right one as I am getting older?  We all know NYC is tough for finding the true love…
Age: 37
City: Manhattan
State: NY

 

Anyway, my feelings for him eventually grew since we have a lot of things in common, e.g. we both love traveling, hiking, biking, movies, food etc.

I can buy that you developed feelings for him over time. What I don’t is believe that you could develop an attraction for him over time. What I think is that you were 35 or 36, knew you were getting up there, and tried to force yourself to feel something for this guy because you wanted to settle down. Since he had deep feelings for you, he probably didn’t care whether or not you were attracted to him. He took advantage of your sudden flexibility. It’s no surprise that your interest is waning. It wasn’t terribly high in the first place.

But then as time goes by, some how I don’t feel the desire to do so.

Some how you don’t feel the desire? Really? More like, “I finally had an excuse not to have sex with him.” I know you will find that harsh, but if you’re honest with yourself you’ll admit that sex wasn’t really that much a priority for you from the beginning. You wouldn’t have become romantically involved with him if it was. As I’ve said before, people who like sex have it. I’m guessing that having sex with this guy in particular wasn’t really doing it for you anyway.

I think if you poll many women and told them that they could be totally honest, they’d admit that they’d be satisfied with a relationship that didn’t require sex.

Your question in a nutshell is this:

I want to get married and have a baby. Should I continue to settle for this guy that I’m not terribly attracted to?

My answer depends on what it is that you truly want. If all you want is a child, then adopt or go to a sperm bank. If you want to get married so you can build a life with someone and raise a family….then stay with him. But if you want that as well as a relationship that fulfills you emotionally and sexually, then you need to end things with this guy now. Like right now. Will it be easy for you? Well, it will be slightly easier because you’re an Asian woman in NYC. But you’ll still be 37.

I know some people want me to tell you to break up with this man and go find your bliss and that you can do better. Reality? You might not. So you need to decide, pronto, what it is that is most important. You also need to accept, depending on what you want most, that it might never look like what you thought it was going to look like. It never does.

 

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Compatibility, Dating, Sex, To Settle or Not To Settle Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Why Do Men *Really* Commit?

April 1, 2013 by 29 Comments

Name: Stan
Comment: In my 20′s, in addition to the dating scene, I had 2 fairly serious relationships.  The first was scorching hot passion wise.  We were both young and gaining sexual experience, but the relationship ended before we progressed.  The second relationship was compatibility based, but the sex was average.

I’m currently dating a wonderful woman (4 years older) and after 5 months we’ve just decided to become exclusive.  Her idea, but I agreed.  On the surface, I should be jumping at the chance to move the relationship forward as she’s smart, beautiful and grounded. What gives me pause is her kind-of conservative sexual nature. We have plenty of passion and the frequency is good, but its rather towel-down standard. While I’m far from what you would consider kinky, I’m not against exploring with my partner.  Here’s the thing:  for some (stupid) reason, I really want to try 2 things before I get serious/married (anal & a 3-some (1 for her & 1 for me)).  She’s recently made it clear that both are complete non-starters. I’ve asked her about role-playing, watching porn, her desires, etc., but get nothing as a response.  Is it selfish/immature of me to consider waffling on the relationship because I know the sex is good….but probably never going to get better?
Age: 30
City: Salem
State: NH

I think you have to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship as a whole. If everything else about the relationship meets your expectations, then I think you should stick it out. That is, as long as you actually want a committed relationship and didn’t just commit to this woman to ensure that you had consistent sex or because she forced your hand somehow.

I don’t necessarily think it’s odd that it took you 5 months to commit. Personally, I think that’s smart. I’m sure other people will point that out and say that that’s a sign you aren’t really into this woman. They could be right. Five months does sound like a long time. On top of that, you really should have considered all of this before you agreed to be exclusive. You knew what you were getting when you committed to her. It’s not fair for you to now be questioning the relationship. You’re not trapped, of course. However,  what you did by agreeing to be monogamous is completely unfair to your partner.

Okay, Stan, so you want some threeway action and anal. I get it. But the chances of finding a woman who will fulfill those desires is slim. (I know. You’re different. You’re a three input girl.  Got it. We’ll get to you in a second.)

Stan, you’re not going to be satisfied with ONE threesome or ONE anal experience. If you like it, you’ll want it again. That’s how sex works. You either need to go off and sow those wild and kinky oats of yours before you settle into something committed or accept that your sex life with this  woman will be boring and eventually flatline. It happens to everybody. So ask yourself just how important sexual compatibility is to you, because the sex isn’t going to stay hot and exciting forever. Or it might never get to that level at all. Commitment involves compromise. You might not get the total package.

Stan, if sex is a priority for you, then at the very least you need to be with someone who entertains the idea of exploring your expressed desires. She doesn’t have to commit to doing it or even have to do it. If she says upfront that there is no way and no how she will do XYZ, then let that be a warning sign as to how far she’s willing to go to keep you satisfied.Then ask yourself if you’ll be able to stay monogamous. If your desires are strong enough that you’ll be tempted to stray, then don’t commit. Oh wait. You already did.

Before you cut the chord, be aware that what you seek might not exist. Also accept that finding such a woman might involve some major compromises. I’ll say this delicately and y’all can just flame me in the comments: Stan, don’t expect your ideal sexual partner to be hot or stable. While there are some objectively attractive and rational women who are as sexually adventurous as you’d like, many of them, well, aren’t. At least the ones who advertise their sexual proclivities typically aren’t. Crazy Girl Sex is a thing for a reason. Sex is typically something that average/not in high demand women use to stand out.

Now, let’s address all the women who just can’t get enough of The Cock. I think you’re precious. I really do. But let’s get down to brass tax. Of the segment of you that #omigodlovesex I’d guess most of you just use sex as a way to get attention from both men and women. I’m speaking directly to the women who can’t talk enough about how much they love sex or how often they have it or need to let everybody know that they’re getting it. The ones who truly dig the doing the dirty don’t have to bray about it. The ones who do  – almost across the board-  are women who use sex to get something else, and that something else usually isn’t an orgasm.

Something else women shouldn’t advertise is that their men just couldn’t wait to become exclusive.That is said for the benefit of other women.  When I hear women brag about how men are so eager to commit to them, I assume one thing. I assume that those men have no options. They aren’t so much drawn to the woman herself, but to the idea of either having a girlfriend or having a regular sex life. The prospect of getting laid regularly or having some sort of validation that only a relationship can provide often overrules common sense. Awful thing to say? Probably. Womp womp.  More often than not it’s true. I know some women like to believe that they’re just such a catch that men are anxious to lock things down. Sorry, boo boo. Usually that is indicative of something else entirely.

Stan, my personal feeling is that you’re not ready or mature enough to be in a serious relationship. To be re-thinking your decision to commit after the fact signifies an immaturity on your part.  Taking five months isn’t the red flag for me. It’s the fact that you took five months to commit and are now second guessing it afterwards that concerns me.

As tough as it is going to be, I think you need to either forget ever pursuing these two sexual milestones or break things off and go explore on your own. Get that stuff out of your system now.

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Filed Under: Compatibility, Dating, Kinky, Sex, Today's Column Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How Much Should a Guy Give Without A Woman Reciprocating?

March 19, 2013 by 77 Comments

Hey, Moxie!

I’ve got a question for you that, I think, would be pretty fitting for your blog. While I am no longer in this predicament (everything worked out!), it seems like a common enough problem that others might be going through right now. The text is below:

—

I met a woman on OkCupid two weeks ago. We’ve been spending quite a lot of time together; all of the six dates we’ve gone on so far have been long and a lot of fun, and we really enjoy each others company. It didn’t take long before we started doing “new couple-” like things, like holding hands/each other and kissing/making out…but she’s shot down every attempt I’ve made at going to the next step and staying the night with her.

I’ve stopped seeing other people to start seeing her and am really excited to keep this going, but I am afraid I’ll have to wait months before we get intimate. I really do not want to do this nor do I want to pressure her into doing something she isn’t ready for. What do you think I should do?

Thanks!

Brian, 25, NYC

MOXIE’S EDIT: I asked Brian how this worked itself out and he said that he stayed at her place this past weekend and had sex. He also said that he told the woman in question, a couple dates earlier,  that he had stopped dating other women. She did not ask him to stop dating other people.

—

If you were a little older I might roll my eyes and suggest you re-think whether you want to continue dating her. But if you’re 25, she’s likely that age or younger, and therefore her behavior sounds reasonable. If it worked for you and didn’t cause you too much second guessing, then hooray. Crisis averted. You informed her that you were only interested in dating her. Two dates later she let you stay over.

Next time, though, I’m not sure you want to be so forth coming about that so soon.

You and she have only been dating a couple of weeks. In those two weeks you saw each other 6 times. You’re a single gal’s wet dream. And that’s the problem. I think making yourself available is key. But 6 dates in two weeks and swearing off other women and then telling her? Yeah, you made it a little too easy for her. By all means stick around. Just don’t tip your hand in case you meet someone who could take advantage of your patience.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding to focus on one person after 6 dates. I think 3 dates a week might be pushing it that early on. I usually cap it at two. Yes, be available. But be smart about it. 3 days a week says, “I don’t have much going on in my life and I might become clingy.” Not only is the appearance of the lack of options unattractive, but getting too familiar too quickly might make you overly dependent.

I just wouldn’t tell someone that, especially when they weren’t reciprocating interest in the way I prefer.  It’s a give and take process. Women know that men want physical reciprocation of the boobie/blowjob kind. She probably knew you wanted more than hand holding and kissing after a couple of dates. What you should have done was pulled back, and not make yourself more accessible. If she wants to take her time, that’s perfectly acceptable. But that doesn’t mean you should become her lap dog.  You played right into her hands.

I know some women will say that, just by agreeing to go out with him, she was reciprocating. That’s precious. But that’s not enough. You need to show appreciation. Pay a check, organize and plan the date, ask him out, etc. Yes, of course, they want sex, too. Guys will gladly accept other gestures as they wait for things to go in that direction. They’ll be annoyed, but their annoyance will be mild compared to how they’ll feel if they’re paying for everything and making all the plans and overtures and getting nothing but a kiss on the cheek. If anything, think of paying for a date as buying time until you can have sex without fearing your friends will talk behind your back.

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Filed Under: Commitment, Date Like a Man, Dating, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Sex, sexuality, Signs of Interest Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Sex & Vulnerability: How Much Is Too Much And What Are The Risks?

March 14, 2013 by 39 Comments

So, this article went up on The Frisky today and my head exploded.

 

We were fucking, he pulled out of me, and I saw his sperm on my pubic hair. ”You just came inside me?” I said, panicked. “Why didn’t you tell me first?” I hadn’t consented to him doing that. And I wouldn’t have consented to it had he announced he was going to come instead of just silently going ahead and doing it.

“Aren’t you on the pill?” he replied by way of response.

“No, I’m not on the pill,” I said.

He looked at me pained. “I just came inside a girl who is not on the pill?”

“Yeah, you did. Why didn’t you ask me if I was on it if you were going to come inside me? I thought you were going to pull out.”

“I just assumed you would be on it.”

Okay. What is this fuckery?

I’ll only briefly touch on the kink aspect to this story. Whether two people are engaging in kink or good o’ missionary vanilla sex, there are always risks involved with going home with someone you don’t know very well. Hell, there’s risks all around at various stages of a relationship. I have a friend who went home with a guy she met on Match. They were having sex and – out of nowhere – he slapped her across the face. It wasn’t as harsh as it sounds. He was obviously testing the waters since they had discussed their mutual interest in kink. Her initial reaction was shock and then anger. The guy quickly apologized and said he thought she had said she had experience with that and liked it. There was not another date.

Since I’ve made my opinions of first date sex quite clear, it should come as no surprise to any of you that I’ve had sex on a first date. I have been lucky that I have never experienced anything like what my friend or Jessica experienced. I could go on about my insight and intuition and all that, but nothing is ever fail-proof. I have been lucky. When I have delved into kinkier activities, it has always been with someone I have been dating – casually or seriously – for a significant amount of time. I mentioned the Too Many Cocks guy, yes? I made it quite clear that I had no intention of fulfilling whatever desire he had with someone I barely knew. There was no second date.

Communication is a key part of sex and intimacy. You can never take it upon yourself to believe that you know exactly what a person’s boundaries are or that you and they are on the same page. You need to ask and you need to listen and you need to respect said boundaries. That applies to hook ups on the first date or ones that happen after dating several months. I’ve frequently questioned Jessica’s actual experience level with BDSM and kink. To me, it sounds like she was with someone who had more experience than she did. You can never assume that you and your partner have even close to similar sexual histories. These things need to be talked about before you try something new.

And at some point in the evening as the pain he was inflicting on me hurt worse and worse, I used his safeword: “Pineapple!” He stopped spanking me, like he should have. We did other things. But later on that night, he started smacking my butt again. I felt so sensitive there that I wasn’t enjoying it — it wasn’t “good pain.” Come to find out the next day when I looked in a mirror, I had a constellation of small bruises all over my ass: three on one butt check and one on another. Because of the position he had been holding me in, this man most certainly saw those bruises. My safewording should have been the indicator to ease up the

Jessica is demonizing this guy, and after reading the piece a few times, I’m not sure why. Initially I read this and felt the guy was disregarding her stated boundaries. Then I read it again. And again. When she asked him to stop, he stopped. They engaged in a brief exchange about their individual definitions and uses for a safeword, and that’s somehow construed as violating her. That was a conversation they should have had before they even took their clothes off. Then she stayed overnight because..wait for it…she wanted to have sex with him? What the whating what?  It was written as though the guy was trying to somehow coerce her, and I’m not sure that’s what actually happened.

For the people who will say things like, “This is why you don’t have sex on a first date!!” I’ll just say this: I think it’s precious that you think that renting space on the moral high ground means anything to anyone other than you.

Now for the other issue concerning birth control. I was really livid as I read the exchange Jessica had with this guy after he ejaculated inside of her. I do not agree – at all – that it’s the man’s job to ask if a woman is on The Pill. I think both people are supposed to take a breath and exchange some vital information such as testing history, relationship status, who has condoms and what other birth control methods are being used. While the guy was an ass – and an obvious idiot – I don’t think it’s fair to paint him as The Bad Guy in this particular part of the situation. I’m actually shocked that an adult male would make any assumptions about birth control given the possible consequences. Guys, allow me to clear something up: regardless of whether a woman says she can’t get pregnant or it’s a safe time or whatever, wrap it up. While she may genuinely believe these things, nothing is 100%. Don’t use any opportunity to go without a condom. And definitely don’t blame the woman should something actually happen. You were there, too. Not every woman is out to trap you so they can get a piece of your $150K a year salary.

Then, of course, there’s the STD factor, which I know a lot of people are going to address, so I won’t bother.

Finally, there’s the question of why she ever revealed any of this at all. The issues of boundaries once again rears its head. No, she’s not brave or raw or honest. That’s something else women need to stop. Writing this was foolish. Now that I’m getting work writing for other sites, I realize how popular and in demand the personal essay/narrative type pieces are. You can write such stories and self-edit and still offer a take away value without making yourself so vulnerable.  I wish we’d stop encouraging women to reveal so much before they’re truly emotionally mature enough to handle the possible fall out.

The biggest issue for me concerning this post – and frankly most posts that women bloggers write about their love and sex lives – is the total lack of accountability in the outcome. Yes, a lot of them acknowledge that they made mistakes. But then, just as quickly, they remind the reader of how awful the guy is. You know. Just in case they forgot. It’s almost always 100% exclusively the guy’s fault in every aspect. If a woman has a rocky dating history or struggles to keep a guy interested, it’s never because she makes bad choices. It’s because the men “tripped her up.” While we have all, at one time or another, willfully chosen to ignore red flags, there’s only so many times you can do that before your judgment comes in to question. One commonality that I notice in all of these articles is the air of experience these women try to convey, yet at the same time by sharing so much they actually reveal how inexperienced they really are.

I’m so tired of this passive role so many women are willing to take when it comes to their love lives. Everything appears to happen to them, implying that they don’t have any control or say in how things work out. They’re victims of men, yet they’re still empowered and self-sufficient and refuse to settle and have standards, dammit.

Sorry, but you ladies simply can’t keep trying to have it both ways, if for no other reason than you’re inevitably going to lose out on the very thing you claim to want. If everybody keeps passing you by and getting closer and closer to their goal while you sit there struggling, it’s not fate or destiny. It’s you.

 

 

SHAMELESS PLUG: Check out an essay I wrote for The Gloss. I’m actually quite proud of, as it discusses how my opinions of being single vs. being married have evolved over the past year. Like it, Tweet it & comment..please?

Can You Be Single And Still “Be Alive?”

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Birth Control, casual sex, Dating & Trust, Dating Blogger Drama, Dating In a Big City, First Date Sex, Kinky, Online Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Yes, Casual Sex *Can* Lead To a Relationship

March 11, 2013 by 1 Comment

I have used OKCupid off and on for about three years. After a six-month relationship with a man I met on OKCupid ended, I took a brief break. When I came back I decided to shake things up a bit.

I updated my relationship preferences to include casual sex….

I didn’t judge a man if he selected casual sex as an option. As long as he made an effort to complete his profile and post pictures that didn’t appear to be from some ’80s era Playgirl shoot, I didn’t care. (Side note: Naked torso shots. Why? Discuss.)

There were a number of take-aways from this experience.

First, just because someone chooses casual sex doesn’t mean they’re looking for a one-night stand. A person’s willingness to be open about that interest should not be held against them or get them labeled a player or slut. I ended up dating three men during this time for 3-6 months each. We did “couple-y” things like go to the movies, make dinner, and spend weekends together. We weren’t meeting up for quickies as some people might assume. There was intimacy and affection and shared confidences. There just wasn’t exclusivity or expressed commitment. I wasn’t seeking “just” sex, so adding casual sex as a relationship choice actually worked to my advantage. It exposed me—in various ways—to a broader audience. One that I may not have been exposed to had I been a “good girl” and listened to my well-meaning male friends and only selected short and long-term dating.
Read the full article here.

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Filed Under: casual sex, Dating, Online Dating, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sexy Isn’t A Compliment & Sarcastic Isn’t Attractive

March 8, 2013 by 10 Comments

Name: E
Comment: I’m new to online dating, and I wanted to know how flirty should you be on emails?

So far I’ve had a couple of messages from men lead into them saying that I’m sexy. In person, I would have a flirty response that wouldn’t be taken too seriously but would let them know that I was interested; however, online, it seems difficult to relay that without insinuating if we me meet, there will be sex.

Also, I’m finding it difficult to translate who I am (witty/sarcastic) online. In one case, I made a joke and it ended with me apologizing because they thought I meant something else; it was a debacle of an exchange.  Can you provide a scenario/sample flirty response?

Also, am I right to assume that if I’m called sexy without much banter that their sole purpose is sex? I would buy “attractive” or “pretty” but “sexy” seems to pour it on.

Thanks for your advice!
Age: 30
City: Jacksonville
State: FL

 

There are two types of men that tell a woman they just met that she is sexy.

Type One: The socially awkward guy who thinks that complimenting the looks of a woman they just met is appropriate. In my book, it’s not.

Type Two: The guy who, as a male friend says, “just wants to get right to it.” The use of the word sexy is intention and meant to get you thinking in a sexual way.

Take a look at the comments on this thread over at XOJane. Now, this woman pretty much admitted she’s a trainwreck when it comes to dating. Yet look at how many White Knights jump in to tell her how hot she is. Yes, she’s attractive. But she could have said she likes to strap bombs to her chest and walk into playgrounds and these guys would still be all up in her business about how gorgeous she was. Those guys use compliments to get on her good side. It smacks of trying too hard.

Personally, if a man addressed me as sexy, or commented on how sexy I was in the first few initial emails, I’d bail. That is, unless I knew with great certainty that I wanted to have sex with him and therefore opened that door for him to walk through. Then I’d go along to get along.  I’d reply with something demure like, “Aww. That made my day. Thanks! So, how about [subject change.]” But those cases are rare. The guys who know how to play the game don’t typically go there. The ones who don’t, well, they do. Since I’m not a fan of being involved with men who wear training wheels, I usually just stop responding or suddenly come up with a reason why I ‘m “taking time off from online dating.” Then I just block him. Guys who go the “sexy” route just seem juvenile and inexperienced to me. It’s a delicate dance, and if a man is going to need me to lead that early, I have no time for him. Then there’s the fact that these men see nothing wrong with sexualizing and objectifying a stranger. No, I don’t take it as a compliment that you think I have beautiful calves or a hot mouth. Nor do I need you, Internet Stranger, to enlighten me on all the ways my physical appearance is arousing.

So, E., to summarize, I’d ignore men who go this route with you via email. Not worth your time. They’ll either require a great deal of handling or they’re shit testing trying to gauge the level of difficulty involved with getting you into bed. or they’re just lying because they’re desperate. Who wants to be with someone like that?

I would also pay close attention to the messages (both the written ones and the underlying ones) that you send in your profile and email communications. Often I hear women talk about how guys say something dripping with innuendo “out of the blue.” Mmmm….no. I mean, yes, some dudes are just that boorish and stupid. But just as often the woman has said something she knows will be taken in a sexual way. Then when she’s called on it, so to speak, she starts clutching her pearls and fanning her face. If you put something out there that can in any way be construed as sexual, expect a lot of men to jump through that door you just opened.

I would avoid trying to wow people with your personality in the initial email exchanges. There’s too much that can go wrong with that. Keep it as simple as possible. I would also avoid any references to how sassy or sarcastic you are. That’s another one of those buzz words I consider a red flag if I see it in a profile or in email exchanges. Sarcasm is extremely difficult to convey in writing. Which is why people who use it tend to tip their hand as to how lacking in self-awareness they are. I’m a god damn barrel of monkeys, but you won’t see blatant examples of that in my profile. I focus on aspects of my personality that I feel men find important – I’m kind, I’m nurturing, I’m healthy,  I’m intelligent, I’m strong,  I like sex. Boom. Done. I have my filters in place to ward off guys I know I won’t be compatible with offline. I still get the occasional message from a Beta type. Delete. Block. Not for me. For the most part I hear from and get responses/meet men my speed. The profile is the teaser. It’s not a bio or resume.

Neither men nor women should try to be flirty or sexy or funny or aloof at any time online.  Be cordial, be polite, be engaging,  be vague, don’t get into to much detail about personal history and movie it offline ASAP. Never invest too much time or effort in these messages. The goal is to get offline. Stay online too long and you’ll get too comfortable and develop unreasonable expectations.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Beware, Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating Advice, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Sex Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,
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