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Is His Financial Situation Really The Problem?

October 4, 2012 by 81 Comments

Name: V.
Age: 50
State:
Question: I’m an attractive, well-educated, debt-free 50 year-old widow who’s childless (by choice), that’s been seeing a man for 3.5 years. Nearly all of this time he was legally separated–4 months ago he finally divorced, amicably. He has two children, a 13 year old and a freshman in college. I’m not over-joyed about having kids in my life, but I enjoy their company and have spent many pleasant weekends with them. We’ve recently begun discussing if he should give-up his apartment now that he’s divorced, but as the possibility looms, my concerns over his financial situation deepen.
I know divorce is expensive, but he left the marriage with a lot of old, shared debt ($50K). He makes enough to pay for his modest apartment, considerable child support & alimony, and his son’s tuition at a private college. Yet when it comes to contributing to our home, there isn’t much left to go around! I use “our” because he has, essentially, been living with me for the last two years, returning to his apartment only when his kids visit. While it’s true that I’d have to pay all the bills if I lived alone (he does split the groceries and pay for most of our entertainment) I worry that his kid’s wants–they’re  getting what they need–will always come first (an iPhone for a 13-year-old? Really?).  In all other respects he’s a loving, smart, thoughtful man who seems very committed to me.  Am I being taken for a ride? Or is this par for the course when dating a divorced dad? By the way, we have put together a budget;  by time he pays all his obligations to his children and ex-wife and actually begins to pay his debt down, there’s not enough to pay half his share.

Are you be taken for a ride? Why? Because he’s taking care of his children and not dressing you and furs and diamonds? You’re a grown woman. If you want your apartment to look a certain way, pay for it. It’s not his responsibility. He has responsibilities. Ones he’s legally required to prioritize.Without getting too personal….if you’re a widow…I’d think that your late husband did what he good to make sure you were taken care of, yes? So then..what’s the problem here? I mean..the real one. Because I’m not buying that this is about his financial situation. This goes deeper.

Yes, this is part of dating a divorced Dad. If you want to live together, then you can do what men have been doing for years…pay his way. Cover what he can’t pay in rent. If it’s that important that he makes some move that makes you feel as though you’re a priority, then you’re going to have to pay for it. You rarely if ever hear men complain about having to do this. It’s expected that men do it. Are you paying your mortgage? Or is that coming from money that was left to you? What is your financial situation? You conveniently failed to mention that.

As for his kids and being a priority, I hate to tell you, but this is how it will always be. If he’s not investing in them financially, he’s going to be investing in the emotionally. Will it get better? Sure, a little bit, when they’re out of college. But  the times that you’re in the top spot will be few and far between. That’s just how it is. I don’t know how my step-mother handled it with the grace that she did.

In all other respects he’s a loving, smart, thoughtful man who seems very committed to me.  Am I being taken for a ride?

I want you to re-read this sentence and ask yourself how you are able to say, in one breath, that this man is loving and thoughtful and then in the next question his motives. There’s something not right about that. I don’t mean that in a “Molly, you in danger, girl” type of way. That is a comment about quickly you can go from one thought about this man to the polar opposite. That should really give you pause.  You don’t want to come out and say how you resent his kids because you fear that makes you sound awful. It doesn’t. In fact, it’s pretty typical. I’m sure many people in your position feel the same. You didn’t want children. So you either need to learn how to co-exist with his kids and accept your place in this relationship or you need to move it along.

What you’re looking for now is a statement of his commitment to you. You could always just keep doing things the way you’ve been doing them. It sounds like that has been working for you. If he’s already staying at your place so often, then what’s the difference? That’s why I don’t think this is about wanting to build a home together. This is about you wanting confirmation that you are a priority. You want a gesture from him that reveals that he is just as committed to you as he is to his kids.

He’s not. He can love you and commit to you as a partner but you will never, ever, ever mean to him what his children mean, because those are his children. That doesn’t mean he won’t do everything he can to show you how much he loves you and what you do mean to him. But you can’t continue on in this imaginary race with his kids for his affection. You will lose.

 

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Filed Under: Commitment, Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating After Divorce, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Beware The Man With a Savior Complex

May 9, 2012 by 24 Comments

Name: AJ
Age: 59
State: Illinois
Question: I’d like to call this “The guy who wanted a Roommate With Benefits”. I have never ran into a guy like this until now and I thought it might be interesting sharing with your readers.

First I have to preface this with I’m a 59 year old female. Unemployed Art Director, freelancing. Been married twice, 10 and 16 years respectively. Had 3 very bad relationship experiences in the last 10 years of being single again. One resulted in catching HSV.  So I was not looking.

Okay, I met a guy last year, early fall. I was out with friends at a meet-up gathering.  He introduced himself as Joe. But his name tag had a different name and I remembered his pix from the sign-up list and he looked nothing like that. Anyway he hung out with our group the whole evening. A few days later I get an email from him through the group’s email site, stating I ditched him when he went to the bathroom at the end of the evening. And gave me this phone number in case I felt like getting together sometime. Yup I did ditch him. Nice guy and all, but, had just broken up with his girlfriend of 12 years, never been married and was 9 years younger. Plus thought it best not to date a man from Meet-up considering my situation.

Well, he pursued me for about 4 months. Sometimes I’d say yes, sometimes I’d say no to going out. Most of the time I was shooing him away. Finally one night I had to drop the bomb on him. He took the news quite well and asked if we could see each other again. I said sure. He texted me the next day and we made a date for that Sunday. Then he canceled. I was pissed and hurt. Waited about a week and I texted that dating was out of the question. He asked if we could be just friends and hang-out. Sure, not really taking it seriously.

I finally gave in to dating him after another 2 months of him pursuing me in the name of friendship. We never had intercourse (we slept together and had sex) for the three months we were together, he never introduced me as his girlfriend to any of the few friends I met. One even brought up his ex in front of me one night. Asking me how she was. So I asked Joe if anyone including his family knew about me. His answer was no. I had asked him prior if it was okay for me to introduce him as my boyfriend and if we were in a relationship. He said yes.

Other red flags…constantly offered to help pay for my mortgage, offering to buy me a house close to him, asking me to live with him several times, offering to start a business with me. Really guy? All this during the three months we dated? What’s the hurry?

He was constantly checking out and smiling at any attractive women he saw when we were out, then denied it. The last straws were him telling me this. He and a girlfriend he had been living with for 10 years were not getting along. He had been sleeping on the sofa for about a year before he moved out and into what had been his girlfriend for the last 12 years. Excuse me? That’s considered cheating in a sense. I mean when did he start dating girl number two? Plus, two days later he calls me and asks if I want to go on a go-see for a building he was interested in buying. Then brings up the living together thing after two days earlier we both admitted we didn’t love each other. Are you for real? The next day my friend called and said he saw him on a hook-up sex site. I checked. There he was…The End.

I picked up what was the few things I had at his house and returned his key. He had left nothing at mine. He was there only a couple of times. Which was another red flag. Too inconvenient for him. Few other ridiculous things…I love watching those wedding reality shows. So he offers to go with me to try on wedding dresses? He was still paying for half the mortgage for his last girlfriend? Offering to move back to New York with me to help my mom out? Was he really going to give up his fantastic job for the city of Chicago? Really guy.

Why does any of this even matter?? I mean, other than you clearly are enjoying all the drama and ups and downs?

It’s as if, in your mind, it’s perfectly okay for you to be all over the place about this but he’s not. Hon, you’re both kind of a mess. And not because you have HSV, because that isn’t an issue. You’re choosing to walk around like you have a Scarlet A stitched into your forehead. Cut the woe is me stuff out. There are people out there dying of cancer. HSV? Not a big deal. You’re a mess because you have “victim” painted all over you. That’s why this guy chose you to hone in on and woo.

I had asked him prior if it was okay for me to introduce him as my boyfriend and if we were in a relationship. He said yes.

Okay. For the record? This does not mean he’s actually your boyfriend. This is not an official agreement to be exclusive. You asked if you could introduce him as your boyfriend. He said sure. He did not pledge to be exclusive. He merely allowed you to do what so many women do and put a label on the relationship to ease their minds. Men know that women just want to use the word “boyfriend” when out with their female friends.It means nothing to them.

He likes being the Savior. That’s his schtick. He finds women whom he feels need his support and attention and money and he showers them with it. It makes him feel good about himself. The bummer about these guys is that they don’t actually want the woman to get better. They want her to stay vulnerable and weak and dependent upon him. That’s the hook. He means none of what he says. He will never follow through on any of this. He wants you to get invested and attached and need him that much more. It’s a sick and twisted co-dependent relationship. Healthy, mature relationships are about encouraging each other to be the very best they can be.

You keep expressing your mistrust as though you actually believe it. You don’t. If you did, you’d have never gotten involved with this guy. You’re saying, “Really?” as though you have his number. You do. You just wish you didn’t because you want for all of this to be real.You can’t make this decision on your own. You’re looking to us to tell you either he’s for real or he’s a phony because you can’t decide one way or another on your own.

Let him find some other wounded bird. Focus on making yourself stronger so you don’t fall prey to these types again. Learn how not to trust the wrong people and make better choices. But most importantly, learn to have more conviction and faith in your decisions and trust your instincts more. The reason why you trust the wrong people is because you don’t trust yourself enough to make the right decisions.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & STDs, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Sex, Shackin' Up, To Settle or Not To Settle Tagged With: , , , , ,

Renting vs. Owning – What’s Really Involved With Living Together?

May 1, 2012 by 43 Comments

Boyfriend and I want to buy an apartment together. I asked my parents for a loan. They said they’d help me buy a place of my own but not one with him. They said I’m too young and haven’t been dating him long enough for me to make such an investment and that it’s too risky. I’m 22 and been dating him a year. Advice? – Nerve Confessions

I thought this might make for an interesting discussion.

First, there is the financial aspect of this scenario. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but in theory buying  an apartment with someone you’ve been dating all of a year – at 21/22 no less – seems like a huge financial risk.

I’d also be uncomfortable moving in with someone – at any age – where it was just his name on the paperwork. There just doesn’t seem to be any security in that.

How does one handle the legal aspects of co-habitation? Do you request that your name be put on the lease or mortgage? Or do you just cross your fingers and hope it works out and decide to think about the rest later?

Do you do credit checks on each other? Would you really reconsider living together if their credit or financial history doesn’t appear to be as sound as you’d like it to be?

What if the person you’re thinking of moving in with has never fully financially supported themselves? Would that be a concern?

As far as the poster’s age goes, when did people start moving in together at such a young age? I freely admit that I am an Old and could be out of touch. But is it me or does it seem that people move in together much more quickly these days? There was a time when living together meant you and your partner were on your way to something more long term. Now it feels as though this is just something people do and don’t put much thought in to it other than it will help them cut down on expenses.

I also wanted to discuss the whole renting vs. owning thing. Eliza brought up in a comment recently how she met a man who lived in a less than stellar apartment. She pointed out that it was a rental. Do people really care about whether or not someone rents versus owns? Why or why not?

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Dating & Finances, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , ,

He Said/She Said – Men, Ultimatums & Who Wears The Pants?

March 28, 2012 by 10 Comments

More questions from our He Said/She Said event:

Regarding online dating, why do men email only through the dating site & NEVER ask for your personal email?

There are several possible answers to this:

1. They don’t want to end up in a pen pal relationship. I read so many profiles where the men state explicitly that they’ll looking to meet women who actually want to meet. That’s why a lot of men and women don’t give out their numbers and email addresses, because it often leads to a huge time wasting experience of back and forth messages that lead no where. Have I said this before? Just meet. Skip the phone, skip the texting. Just. Meet.

2.They’re private. Many people just prefer to keep all their online dating communications in one place for organizational purposes. They also don’t want to give out their real email address just because it’s probably attached to their full name and they wish to maintain a little privacy. For the most part, I find setting up an email account strictly for online dating to be a slight hassle. I’d rather just check the website.

3. They don’t want a paper trail - Yes, the guy could also be cheating. He doesn’t want any evidence of that to be found in his email folder should his GF  “happen” across it.

 

Do women prefer to be in control of the relationship or do they want the man to take control?

This, I think, is subjective. It’s also another situation where I think everybody has their own definition of “control.” If you mean do women prefer that men take the initiative, then the answer is yes. Why? Because we’ve been conditioned to believe that a man should do the pursuing. Many women like to know where they stand right away, and having the man initiate conversations helps ease insecurities. This, too, is why we tend to avoid the “nice guys.” They’re not terribly confident. We want a guy who knows what he wants goes after it. Now, if you mean in control as in who wears the pants and makes the decisions? I think every woman is different. Some women want the man to make the major decisions, others want to be the one who call the shots. But I think most women prefer that couples make the bigger decisions together. Since women now have more of an equal footing financially, they no longer look to the man to decide how their money is spent. The tricky thing is that a lot of women, especially the more assertive ones, think they want an equal partnership and a man with a backbone, etc. But really they want  a doormat who will whatever they say. That’s why they end up complaining that they can never find a decent guy – they don’t really know what they want, nor are they aware of how their aggressive demeanor actually draws to them the weaker men.  Only the beta guys will indulge them. They’re so desperate for approval that they’ll do anything, and surrender their dignity in the process. Truly strong women don’t want that. The stronger guys know the difference between a confident and assertive woman and a bitch. Many women don’t. Hence the problem.

 

You are in a relationship for awhile and it has come to the point where you would love to move in but he is wishy washy about the idea. Do you give an ultimatum or do you leave?

It is never wise to issue a man an ultimatum. No man with any self-respect is going to cave in these situations. Their pride won’t let them. Plus it’s a bully tactic. This is why so few men actually give in and commit to women who withhold sex until they get commitment. They know, for the most part, it’s an ultimatum of sorts. Issuing an ultimatum also communicates to a man that the woman isn’t as confident as she is feigning to be. If she were, she’d just leave. So it’s futile to do this because, once you do, you’ve played your hand and he has you where he wants you. A woman should tell a man what she sees for them down the road and then ask him if he’s on the same page. Then she should be patient, because many men are likely to freeze up when confronted with topics like moving in or getting engaged. They want to feel as though they did these things on their own time. If they give in to a woman’s demands, they’ll end up hating themselves and resenting her.Women have to learn to sit on their hands a bit in these situations. They want answers, and it’s rare that men can give them the ones they want when they want them.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Gender Roles, He Said/She Said, Online Dating, Red Flags, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , , , ,

Should He Stay or Should He Go?

March 28, 2012 by 25 Comments

Name: Peter
State: NY
Age: Early40′s
Comment: Simple question and I’m interested to hear what your readers have to say.

In a relationship for 2yrs and living together for 8 months. Girlfriend just cheated with an ex and says she’s sorry, realizes it was a mistake, and wants to work through this. Wondering how someone in my situation can figure out if it’s worth the fight. We have no children together and no financial ties so to speak.

Appreciate your insight.

 

I was going over this question with a friend the other night and I asked them their thoughts. They said that they felt that cheating, while hurtful, isn’t the worst thing someone can do to another person. That infidelity is one of those things that, in time, they could get past. In the end, it’s just sex.It’s just a physical urge.

The biggest issue for me with this story is that she cheated with an ex. Not some random guy she met out one night or online. There’s a history and an intimacy there. I think I’d be less bothered (but still upset) that my partner cheated with someone he didn’t know than if he stepped out with an ex. My guess is she probably has been turning to him for more than just sex. This probably wasn’t a one time slip. Meaning I think she and he have been communicating and she’s been sharing her concerns with the relationship. Which, for me, is much harder to forgive.

How do you know if you should fight to save a relationship or just end it? I think if you have to ask that question, then there isn’t much there in terms of intimacy and a bond. That’s what keeps us in a relationship in the first place.

Cheating is rarely just a blip. It’s usually a symptom of something that’s going wrong in the relationship.A lot of people cheat because they want out of the relationship or are unhappy. I’m curious how you found out she cheated. If she came out and told you, that’s not a great sign. As I’ve said in the past, some things need to be kept secret. If you know it was a one time thing and/or hormone driven, keep that shit to yourself. But if you know there was a deeper motivation, an unhappiness, then telling someone you cheated is usually just a way to get them to dump you. Especially if they’ve never given you a justifiable reason to end things. OP,  If your GF told you about the cheating, my suggestion is to end things now. She probably doesn’t want to be in that relationship and is looking for a way out. She’s forcing you to walk away because she doesn’t have the balls to do it herself. Personally, I find this whole approach selfish and cowardly. You cheated. Don’t kid yourself that you are “doing the right thing” by “being honest.” If doing the right thing were so important, you wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.

The upside, of course, is that you didn’t marry her. It sounds like you took your time before moving in, too. She’s revealed herself as not being ready for a true commitment. Best to learn this know than to plow forward. The reality is that who we are at the beginning of any relationship is rarely who we are mid-way through or at the end. Somebody who thinks the person they’ve met will stay exactly as is as they get older, especially after marriage, is extremely naive.That’s a disaster (and a divorce) waiting to happen.  You can’t keep someone locked away from the world and insulate them. Eventually, they will develop their identity and become self-actualized.

There is always a learning curve in dating and relationships. Always. Whether you’ve had 3 dates with someone and been with them 3 years. As we get older, and depending on how much experience we gain, the curve becomes smaller. It’s still there. It’s just not as extreme. We learn who we are and what we want. We figure out who and what we want. Look back at what you thought of relationships at 21 or 22 and compare it to what you thought at 25, then 35. I guarantee your ideas and ideals have changed.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Co-Habitation, Couple Conundrums, Dating, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , , , ,

What’s Your Dating Timetable?

February 16, 2012 by 12 Comments

Here’s another question from our He Said/She Said event the other night.

Ladies, do you have a timetable in your mind on how long you want to date before you move in or get married?

 

I think there are a lot of factors involved with this like age, relationship goals AND relationship history. If a woman has had a hard time finding a man who wanted to commit, or dated men who hesitated to commit, the urgency for commitment and milestone achievement can grow. We saw an example of this in a recent letter. The harder it becomes to find someone who wants a relationship, the more anxious some women tend to get about the relationship progressing. Unfortunately, this anxiousness also messes with our need to do a little critical thinking. We want to believe everything is “normal” or “typical” that we ignore that little voice in our head that suggests we take a step back and look at the situation objectively and realistically.

The other factor here is that many women tend to use their friend’s relationships as a benchmark. Which is funny, because I can guarantee you that the stories they have heard from their girlfriends are at least a little embellished or skewed.Basically, they’re basing their own schedule on a relationship that doesn’t really exist.

This question raises an interesting subject. What do you think is he typical time frame for reaching various stages of a relationship?I’m posing these questions to both men and women.

  • When do you meet their friends?
  • When do you Facebook Friend them? (Yes, an actual milestone now.)
  • When do you meet their family?
  • When do you have sex?
  • When do you spend holidays together?
  • When do you travel together?
  • When do you discuss where the relationship is going/exclusivity?
  • When do you talk about living together or marriage?
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Filed Under: Commitment, Dating, He Said/She Said, Latests Posts, Monogamy, Red Flags, Sex, Shackin' Up, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , ,

How Do You Know If It’s a Real Relationship?

January 18, 2012 by 141 Comments

Name: chuckrock
State: new york
Age: 35
Comment: Hi Moxie,

After a brief hiatus, I started reading the blog again and it has prompted me to send in a question for your review and dissection. One of the reasons I had stopped reading a few months ago was because it was clear to me the difference of opinion that I have on the whole dating process than both you and many of the regular responders. This is the reason, now, that I think it worthwhile to discuss this issue though.

I’ve been dating my current girlfriend just over 8 months now. Things are going well enough on most people’s standards, I would think. In no particular order: we spent the holidays with each other and each other’s family, my family and friends love her, we spend most weekends together and sometimes see each other during the week, she does a lot of “little” very thoughtful things for me, we have gone a couple short vacations together, and (at least from my point of view) I actually miss her when we aren’t together.

So, as we come closer to the year mark, I suppose we will start getting closer to actually looking towards long term commitment. We’re not too young (35 & 31) and I know  that I do not want to wait as long as I did with my ex prior to moving to the next stage (whether that be living together/getting engaged etc.) She is currently looking to buy a house on her own. She lives with her parents (has for past couple of years) and will likely put a bid in on a house in the next couple of weeks. I rent an apartment which I will likely have to leave by the end of the summer.

She asks me questions about my opinions about the houses she looks at, but I am hesitant to answer them usually. I don’t want to give the impression that I am assuming I will be living there eventually also. But I would imagine  due to our situations, that if she buys something and we do decide to live together the thing that makes sense would be for me to move into her place.

So I’ve been walking a thin line with giving input to her search. How do I go about being supportive in her decision, helping her figure out what is best for her without looking like I have a vested interest in the result? Obviously I want her to buy something that she’ll be happy with whether or not i remain in the picture, but I can’t help but think that I will be.

Also, if she was still at her parents house when i moved out of my current place, i’d likely inquire about living together upon my move. (considering the timing, etc.)  If she is buying a house, I feel the asking to move in probably falls on her to initiate; how long do i wait after she buys the house to bring up living together or do I just totally wait for it to come from her? For the record, i very much need to live with someone prior to engagement – and she already knows this about me.

thanks much.
State: new york

 

Before I get in to my feedback, I replied to Chuckrock and asked him how often he and his girlfriend see each other and when they began to sleeping together. He said:

Well, almost every weekend we spend sat. afternoon through sunday night together. Sometimes (maybe once a month) we start hanging out on friday night (it depends on the pans for that particular weekend). Also, maybe every third week, we see each other one evening during the week for a movie or dinner or something like that. We are having sex. It took longer to get there than i would have liked, but did eventually get there and now we do almost anytime she stays over my place.We slept together around the 4 month mark but it didn’t become a regular thing until about the 5 month mark. I believe she put herself on birth control during this time and was more willing to once she was.

I’m going to maintain my original stance from way back when you first started talking about this woman. This relationship is pretty much non-existent. (ETA: To clarify, this doesn’t feel like a mature or adult relationship.)

I don’t put much stock in meeting family or taking trips together. It doesn’t mean much to me. As I’ve said, these are milestones that many people put  a lot of stock in that ultimately mean nothing if there’s no genuine commitment behind them.

It’s been 8 months. You two see each other pretty much once a week save for the occasional week night sleep over or Friday sleep over. On top of that, it took her 4 months to have sex with you. Plus you’re not even having sex regularly when you do get together.  How does any of this really help you determine true compatibility? You barely spend any time together.

We’ve spoken about the men who will “commit” to a woman and say he’s their boyfriend and do all the things that men in committed relationships are believed to do. Like invite women on trips and meet family. They do all of this knowing the relationship is temporary and will end. But it works for now and it’s better than being alone. The attention and companionship is nice, but not something they would fight for. As long as things stay low maintenance they’ll stick around. Spending 3 days with her family is a small price to pay for 3 months of simplicity.

I’m thinking that’s what your situation is, Chuck. To be honest, I don’t know how you could possibly be thinking about taking this further when many of the signs point to this being  a dead end relationship or one of convenience for her. You haven’t even had a trial run at living together, nor do you have much consistent time together at all. That’s your next step. Not co-habitating.

To me, this feels like a situation where a woman wants a boyfriend, not a relationship. She wants someone to bring to holiday parties and meet her friends and who affords her the opportunity to say, “My boyfriend and I are going away for the weekend.”

Since she began her search for her home, has she at all discussed the possibility of you living there with her?  If she hasn’t, why not? Is she waiting for you to broach the topic? If so, my suggestion is to bring it up. You appear to be the one thinking long term. She doesn’t. She seems to be functioning independently of you and of the relationship. That can’t be a good sign.

Throughout this relationship you’ve been letting her drag you around by your balls. Is that what you want?

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Latests Posts, Polyamory, Shackin' Up, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , ,

Beware The Man Who Commits Too Soon

January 15, 2012 by 110 Comments

Name: Carina
State: Florida
Age: 32

Comment: Moxie,

I moved to Florida last August from NYC.  Dating here has been great!  So much better than in NYC I have to say. I dated a few guys my first few months here and then I met a great guy 1st week of December.  We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.  It has moved quite fast.  We’ve only been together a bit over a month now but I can already feel he’s the one for me.  Of course since I’ve never moved into a relationship so quickly (and being a jaded New Yorker), I cant help but question the relationship sometimes.  I’ve been staying at his place 2-3 nights a week and he asked me yesterday if I would like some area in his closet to put my things because I go back and forth with a bag but I always need things that I don’t have with me plus my daily personal things etc.  And its getting annoying to be carrying a bag back and forth.  Also, this morning he mentioned that he would get me a key to his place.  He works from home most days and sometimes hes in the office on long business calls and when I get there after work Ive had to wait until hes done with his calls to open the door… I also use his gym sometimes or go in and out to get whatever so I dont know I guess hes thinking it would just be easier I guess…  Hes asked me a couple of times if I would feel comfortable living there and I think I would.  We already told each other we are in love, he met my family NYE (I havent met his) and we are on the same page in terms of what we are looking for… family, children…  He even asked me if it is something Im looking for in the near future.  He says hes ready for it and has hinted that within a year he would like to be moving forward with that plan which is exactly my wish.  We are the same age btw, 32.  Hes taking me on vacay next month to Europe and we just cant wait!  But, what do you think about this closet space and keys situation?  I feel like I want to be with him ALL the time.   And while this situation may sound great feeling the way I feel about him, Im afraid it may ruin what we have or may even make it too comfortable and easy for him (isnt it againts “the rules”?) and he may never pop the question.  What do you think?  I dont want to regret my choices later on…
State: Florida

 

You’re asking a lot of good questions. Unfortunately, you’re not asking the one question you should be asking.

Why is this man in such a rush?

I’ll say it. This situations feels all kinds of shady to me.

We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.

You can’t be serious that you think this is in any way normal or healthy. It’s not. Forget about all those stories you hear from friends and on websites or blogs. While a small percentage of these examples might actually be healthy, the large majority of them are not. Either somebody’s desperation or loneliness is being exploited or they’re both emotionally unhealthy people who happened to find each other, as most emotionally unhealthy people do.  That’s it.

Right now, you’re just so excited that you’ve met a man who not only wants to commit but wants to do it as soon as possible that you’re not seeing this situation clearly. You’ve crammed a bunch of milestones in to 6 weeks. Really think about that. Does that sound rational to you? Do you think it’s wise to be discussing children with someone you’ve been dating all of 6 weeks? Especially when you haven’t even met his family? Who the hell knows what sort of defective DNA he might possibly be carrying with him. These are the things that need to be considered when discussing children. People don’t just say, “Hey! Let’s have a baby!” There are things to be considered, many of which require that you have a clear and strong understanding of your partner’s values and history.

He works from home most days and sometimes hes in the office on long business calls and when I get there after work Ive had to wait until hes done with his calls to open the door

Um…what? He makes you stand out in the hall while he finishes his calls? And you don’t see anything wrong with that?

Right now he’s keeping you preoccupied with trips and sweet sentiments and offers of commitment. Why? You need to ask him why he’s in such a rush. You also need to ask yourself how it is possible you don’t think any of this is weird because your warning bells should be clattering so loud that you can’t hear yourself think.

I do not trust any relationship that starts off this quickly and intensely. Sorry. The only people who move this fast are either people with an agenda that has nothing to do with love or people who are needy and co-dependent.  Now, maybe you’re co-dependent, too. Maybe you two are both co-dependent people who have found each other. Super. Unhealthy people find each other all the time. But you two are talking co-habitation, possibly merging some of your finances…and children. Capital B Big Deal. These are not things you jump in to.

Im afraid it may ruin what we have

What exactly is it that you have? What could you have possibly developed in 6 weeks that is so profound? You are so caught up in the trappings of this relationship that you are ignoring the blaring sirens. He’s got a great apartment, he works from home, he’s taking you on a trip, he’s met your family, he’s said the “L” word. What do you really know about this man? And no, I’m not suggesting you do a back ground check. I’m suggesting you wake up, take off those rose colored glasses and ask yourself why you’re so willing to go along with this romance. I get that you moved from a  city that has a dearth of commitment-minded men. I understand. But that makes this story even more questionable. The new in town single woman desperate for a man who will commit meets one that commits in a week. It’s too perfect.

I’m telling you. No healthy  man is jumping to commit after this short of a time frame. No way. If they do, they’re either really desperate or shady. Men know that the best way to get a woman to behave the way he would like her to behave is to agree to be her boyfriend and “commit.” It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Once he gives her that, he can pretty much do whatever he wants. He will point to that one gesture to “prove” his worthiness and use it every chance he gets.

You need to take a few steps back and look at this situation objectively. You also need to get some background on his relationship history. This guy has either scared every woman off or he has moved a few other women in to this apartment only to have things dissolve soon after.

 

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Filed Under: Beware, Biological Clocks, Book, Commitment, Dating, Latests Posts, Managing Expectations, Marriage, Men To Avoid, Monogamy, Red Flags, Shackin' Up Tagged With: , , , ,

Are You Afraid to Lose (Or Reveal) Your True Yourself In Your Relationship?

October 3, 2011 by 24 Comments

Name: material marriage
State: IL
Age: 29
Comment: I’m currently in a committed relationship with someone I see a future with. We’ve both discussed marriage and are on the same page regarding spending, children, etc. My questions is: should we combine our finances before a solid marriage is official?

I’m personally uncomfortable with this idea and expressed that very clearly to him. He was extremely hurt and felt it meant I didn’t have faith in us working out at some point. He makes more than me and doesn’t need the cash and neither of us are in debt nor outrageous spenders. He makes it clear that what’s his is ours. Am I being selfish?

 

Why are you uncomfortable with the idea? I’m not saying that I don’t share your concerns. I do.I get it.  With how volatile everything is with the economy and unemployment and the like, I absolutely understand your hesitation.

Is your ambivalence really about joining finances…or are you using finances to maintain a sense of independence in your relationship?

I think a very big fear for women, other than the real possibility that the marriage might not work out, is that they will lose themselves and their identities should they marry or settle down with someone else in some way. We’ve spent so long developing our careers and gotten so used to calling our own shots that involving someone else unsettles us. Is it that we fear we’re giving in to a tradition we’ve been told (and have told ourselves) is antiquated and unnecessary? Is it that we feel like traitors in some way? Or is it something more…like a fear of making ourselves totally vulnerable?

I’m going on a tangent here.

In general, I’m seeing and hearing about an overall terror at the idea of letting men in at all.

There was a letter a few weeks ago from a woman who had just completed her Masters Degree and was unemployed. She said she stopped dating the men she used to date, the successful ones, and began to date men who she thought would expect less from her. Let’s switch out “long term unemployed” from her story and replace it with “long term single.” It seems like the longer a woman stays single, the more uncomfortable she becomes dating a man who is ready and available. She becomes afraid of revealing her dating history to the man. So, in order to combat the inevitable anxiety over answering that question, she goes for men that she believes will expect “less” from her. Or maybe she has had a few relationships in the recent past, but they were all with men who ended up hurting or disappointing them. Whatever her history is, she doesn’t want the man she meets to know. So she goes for men she knows, ultimately, won’t care enough about her to ask or want to know.  These women have started to identify, consciously or unconsciously, with men they perceive as “unavailable” or “damaged.” In some cases the woman knows  why she’s identifying with these particular men. But others are completely unaware of what they’re doing, falling in to the same pattern over and over again, reaping the exact same results.

Making things even more confusing are all the mixed messages out there. The posturing disguised as feminism, especially in regards to our sexual choices. The cases for settling or not settling. How we can have it all with sacrificing anything. The poisoning of men against women and women against men. Is it really any wonder that so many women are afraid or at least really, really confused? We don’t know who we’re “supposed” to be.It feels like many women are trying to live up to other women’s expectations instead of their own.

/end tangent

OP, I don’t think you’re “wrong” for not wanting to join your finances. In theory, it sounds like a very rational decision. What you have to figure out is if that choice is based on anything that goes beyond financial security or stability. Marriage is, among other things, a merger of assets. It is a financial transaction of sorts. If you wanted to invest in a company, would you tell the CEO that you’d be happy to work for the company, but not invest any of your own money? Of course not. This is a big reason why so many people are not getting married but rather choosing to live together and opting for domestic partnerships. They’re still a bond and a commitment, but the finances play a much smaller role.

If you’re not willing to merge finances in some way then – in my opinion – you’re not ready for marriage. Which is okay. It’s okay to not want to be married. Who can blame you? Marriage is a Big Deal. Capital B, capital D. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your boyfriend, nor does it mean you’re not willing or capable of committing to him. But in order to survive, you and your boyfriend need to discuss if you’re on the same page in terms of values. Is marriage really the only viable and acceptable option in order for both of you to be happy?

Start with determining why you’re afraid to join financial forces. Then explain your concerns to your boyfriend and have an honest discussion about marriage and commitment and what those things mean to the both of you. Then see if you two can find common ground and go from there.

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Finances, Happy & Healthy, Latests Posts, Marriage, Shackin' Up, So..What Do You Do For a Living?, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , ,

What To Expect When You’re Expecting To Live Together

July 21, 2011 by 39 Comments

Here’s the scenario:

You and the person you’re sating decide to move in together. They suggest you move in with them. The apartment where they lived was also the apartment they shared with their previous partner. Do you move in to that space and make enough changes to erase memories of the previous inhabitant or do you suggest you find something that both of you can decorate and make your own?

On the topic of moving in together, let’s discuss the business aspect behind it. Starting with how the topic comes up.Is there a certain amount of time that needs to pass before you feel it’s appropriate? Or does the subject come up more organically and naturally, say after you both comment on how silly it is that one of you constantly schleps their belongings to and from when theyspend 4-5 nights at the other person’s place?

Once you’ve decided that living together is the next step, how do you begin the process? Do you both look for places separately? Do you both visit the various locations and discuss it? Would you leave it up to one partner to choose? What if one person is a city dweller and the other is more of a suburbs person?

If it didn’t cause any major financial issues, would you live in “the city” (any city) because your partner prefers that?

Would it bother you to learn that your partner has co-habitated with multiple people? Would you see that as a possible bad sign?

Now, let’s talk finances. Do you merge your finances? What things must be in place for you to feel comfortable that your partner is financially secure enough to make this move? Does their financial stability matter?

Once you’re living together, how do you go about paying the bills? Do you set up a separate account for bills and utilities? Do you simply transfer money from your account to theirs?

Finally, do you think it’s wiser to keep separate apartments and not live together at all. If so, why?

 

 

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