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Red Flag 101 – The Long Distance Lothario

June 9, 2013 by 4 Comments

Author : Cici onlinesafetylong_620x240px

I met a guy who lives in Paris. We first met was after weeks emails to to each other. sometimes we email each other over 10 per day. Then he asked me to go to Paris, I said am working next day, impossible to go. So he came to see on the follow weekend. We spent a wonderful weekend. When he was departing to Paris, even I said there is a distance between Paris and London.

He went back to Paris and text me every morning during the the first week. But thinks changed after I take initiative to text him. He did not reply for a few days. Just I thought we may that’s it. He text me and said  he was in abroad. We chatted that night over hours and the next days.  Then same thing happened, I did hear from him for a few days. So I asked he what he was doing? He told me he was very busy. One day we chatted at night hours. But next day, he told me, it was very attractive, but we were far, I said I thought the same. Then he asked me should we be just friend. I then asked him, does he like me, he said yes, so I agree to be friends.

we did not text each that much, but once we started chatting, always could no-stopping to very late and have to go to sleep.

Now, it’s over two month since we first met. Last week, he told me he was under stress, because his business was having working capital problem, so we discussed about his business. To  the end, I offered I go to Paris to see him,

I asked when was the good time to see him, he gave me the date. Then he told me, he has to work, and on the weekend he has to go abroad.

I felt uncomfortable with his saying, so I withdrew my plan and told him I was no going to Paris.

Next day he asked me why, I told he the reason because he said he has to work. But he said he only say he was unable to take days off from work. And asked I whether I wanted to be his girlfriend, I said yes.

We chatted happily that night, so next day I stilled booked my tickets to Paris, and I told he I have booked the tickets. He did not say anything until next morning after I asked he to say something, then he told me it’s just not the good time, he is super busy!

I totally confused. What should I do now. I told him I will wait. But I was hurt. Does he still interested in me?

 

I will start this off by saying that, as a general rule of thumb, if you have to crowd source your dating conundrums on the internet, it’s probably not a great sign.

He met you that weekend and either decided there wasn’t any attraction or interest and that was that. Or he just traveled for the sex and got it and that’s all he wanted in the first place.

I have said it numerous times before and I’ll say it again: If someone has to travel a great distance to meet you, that’s a red flag. Nobody should have to travel hundreds of miles to find love. It’s one thin if you’re vacationing in France and you happen to meet someone. It’s a different ball of wax to be sought out by someone who lives far away with the intention of building some kind of relationship.

Anybody who thinks that true love can develop via an Internet connection without ever meeting in purpose first is naive. You can romanticize it all you like, but what typically leads two people to find love with someone far away is a lack of options closer to home or a lack of social and emotional maturity. That’s not to say that it can never work between two people who are immature in some capacity. Of course it can. But everybody needs to stop glamorizing these long distance Lotharios and electronic relationships. I’d guess the majority of the time, something is off with one or both people.

If you’re someone genuinely trying to find a substantive connection with another person, block, ignore or delete the messages that come in on Facebook or Match/OkCupid from people in far away lands or states. They will do nothing to take up time you could be using to meet someone closer to you. Don’t waste your time trying to test them or gauge their interest. Especially if they’re exceedingly attractive. Someone that hot would not be trolling Internet dating or social networking sites and contacting people well outside their time zone.

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Filed Under: Red Flags, Signs of Interest

He’s Not Shy, He’s Just Not Interested

May 14, 2013 by 13 Comments

Name: AB
Comment: Three months ago, I met this guy at his place of employment as a client. We chatted for a long time before shyguygetting to why I was there. One month later, I saw him again for a follow up appointment. We chatted for nearly an hour before discussing business. In the end, I left with his email address to discuss some of our shared interests.

For the next three weeks, we emailed every 2-3 days, while both of us were on holiday. When he returned, he asked me to hang on a Saturday night. For the next 4 weeks, we hung out 1-2 times a week for about 4hr per hang. All time together was filled with constant big smiles and subtle flirting, but no clear advances due to shyness that we have since both acknowledged.

On Saturday night, he came over to watch a movie. I thought that this would be my chance. I shyly cozy up during the movie, leaning my head on his shoulder. At the end, I try to lean my face closer to him. But then he stopped me from trying to kiss him, saying that he just started seeing someone and doesn’t want to hurt her.

I was stunned because I thought we had chemistry and were slowing building something real. I told him that I felt something when I first met him and if he did too. I think that’s when he said he wants to be friends, and that I’m pretty, fun, great to talk with, awesome to hang.

The fact that he’s seeing someone means I am definitely backing off. But I’m left feeling a bit led on, hurt, and undesirable, even though I believe I’m somewhat attractive.

My questions are:
Should I kill the hope that he’ll come around? I feel invested in him.
Should I ignore his texts / stop sending him friendly texts?
Tell me more about the psychology of a dude in this position.

Age: 33
City: New York
State: NY

 

All time together was filled with constant big smiles and subtle flirting, but no clear advances due to shyness that we have since both acknowledged.

Yeah…no.  There were no advances because he was either a) already dating someone or b) not attracted to you.

The whole “but he’s shy!” excuse has been used in several letters lately. I think it’s another rationalization that women like to use to explain why a guy hasn’t made a move on her.  That alleged shyness has little to do with it. For whatever reason, he’s just not interested. If he were, he’d make a move. Especially if you and he were already spending so much time together. Either there was a lack of attraction or he fears you’re more interested than he is. If it’s the latter, he senses that you’re more invested and worries you might become needy or clingy in some way. He’s not afraid to ruin the friendship. For real. That’s another rationalization manufactured by women for women. It doesn’t exist.

I was stunned because I thought we had chemistry and were slowing building something real.

As controversial as this might sound, few men are hanging out with a woman they are attracted to and not trying to get physical. This idea that a guy is “being a gentleman” or “looking to build something real” are thoughts planted in our heads from other women. And they’re wrong. The reason they repeat these non-truths is because a man who sits and listens to a woman and “hangs” with her who shows no interest in sex is their wet dream. People like sex. One of the main reasons many of us date is for the sex. If someone is showing no interest in The Sex then there’s a problem. Write that down. Read it. Learn it. Live it.

My guess is that the reason he felt so comfortable with you is because he wasn’t attracted to you. You were a friend. A pal.

Yes, I would stop texting him and trying to be friends. It’s a disingenuous gesture and you know it. You wouldn’t be content with being just friends. Men and women only suggest that because they’re hoping the object of their affection will one day have an epiphany and realize that love has been right in front of them all along. That’s Rom-Com fantasy nonsense. That doesn’t usually happen.

For the sake of your mental health I would take a step back from this guy. He’s not available to you.

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Filed Under: Dating, Shy Guys, Signs of Interest, The Friend Zone Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Much Should a Guy Give Without A Woman Reciprocating?

March 19, 2013 by 77 Comments

Hey, Moxie!

I’ve got a question for you that, I think, would be pretty fitting for your blog. While I am no longer in this predicament (everything worked out!), it seems like a common enough problem that others might be going through right now. The text is below:

—

I met a woman on OkCupid two weeks ago. We’ve been spending quite a lot of time together; all of the six dates we’ve gone on so far have been long and a lot of fun, and we really enjoy each others company. It didn’t take long before we started doing “new couple-” like things, like holding hands/each other and kissing/making out…but she’s shot down every attempt I’ve made at going to the next step and staying the night with her.

I’ve stopped seeing other people to start seeing her and am really excited to keep this going, but I am afraid I’ll have to wait months before we get intimate. I really do not want to do this nor do I want to pressure her into doing something she isn’t ready for. What do you think I should do?

Thanks!

Brian, 25, NYC

MOXIE’S EDIT: I asked Brian how this worked itself out and he said that he stayed at her place this past weekend and had sex. He also said that he told the woman in question, a couple dates earlier,  that he had stopped dating other women. She did not ask him to stop dating other people.

—

If you were a little older I might roll my eyes and suggest you re-think whether you want to continue dating her. But if you’re 25, she’s likely that age or younger, and therefore her behavior sounds reasonable. If it worked for you and didn’t cause you too much second guessing, then hooray. Crisis averted. You informed her that you were only interested in dating her. Two dates later she let you stay over.

Next time, though, I’m not sure you want to be so forth coming about that so soon.

You and she have only been dating a couple of weeks. In those two weeks you saw each other 6 times. You’re a single gal’s wet dream. And that’s the problem. I think making yourself available is key. But 6 dates in two weeks and swearing off other women and then telling her? Yeah, you made it a little too easy for her. By all means stick around. Just don’t tip your hand in case you meet someone who could take advantage of your patience.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding to focus on one person after 6 dates. I think 3 dates a week might be pushing it that early on. I usually cap it at two. Yes, be available. But be smart about it. 3 days a week says, “I don’t have much going on in my life and I might become clingy.” Not only is the appearance of the lack of options unattractive, but getting too familiar too quickly might make you overly dependent.

I just wouldn’t tell someone that, especially when they weren’t reciprocating interest in the way I prefer.  It’s a give and take process. Women know that men want physical reciprocation of the boobie/blowjob kind. She probably knew you wanted more than hand holding and kissing after a couple of dates. What you should have done was pulled back, and not make yourself more accessible. If she wants to take her time, that’s perfectly acceptable. But that doesn’t mean you should become her lap dog.  You played right into her hands.

I know some women will say that, just by agreeing to go out with him, she was reciprocating. That’s precious. But that’s not enough. You need to show appreciation. Pay a check, organize and plan the date, ask him out, etc. Yes, of course, they want sex, too. Guys will gladly accept other gestures as they wait for things to go in that direction. They’ll be annoyed, but their annoyance will be mild compared to how they’ll feel if they’re paying for everything and making all the plans and overtures and getting nothing but a kiss on the cheek. If anything, think of paying for a date as buying time until you can have sex without fearing your friends will talk behind your back.

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Filed Under: Commitment, Date Like a Man, Dating, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Sex, sexuality, Signs of Interest Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Have You Been a Victim of The C*ck Bomb?

December 19, 2012 by 6 Comments

If you’ve been online dating for a few months and you’re a female, no doubt you have experienced the Cock Bomb. A Cock Bomb is when a man sends you a picture of his erect penis. Sometimes it’s out of the blue. Other times it comes on the tail end of a conversation or chat that has turned sexual. Either way, it’s not nearly as confusing or concerning as many women like to make it out to be.

As crazy as this might sound, some men just like the idea of showing strange women their penis. Before the internet, these men would hang out at parks in trench coats. Now they just sit in their boxer briefs, chub up and click send.

Here are some things to understand about the C*ck Bomber:

 

1. He’s TRYING to offend or shock you -Don’t try to decipher the method behind the madness of the C*ck Bomber. He doesn’t care if you’re put off. He wants a reaction.

2. He doesn’t necessarily find you attractive – The sub-text of any dating blogger’s “I just don’t get why men send me pictures of their penis” posts is, “Look how desirable I am!” Ladies, getting an unsolicited cock shot is not a compliment. It has no connection to your hot quotient. If anything, it usually means – sorry – that you’re not hot. Collecting pics of hard penises and comparing them when you’re out with your little gal posse for cocktails is the equivalent of a bunch of men whipping it out to see who has the biggest dick. It’s a contest to see who has the most and who has the best. And it’s sad.

If you find these types of solicitations gross and offensive, then it’s probably a wise idea to avoid chatting and texting off of the dating site. It’s definitely smart to abandon the conversation once any mention of sex comes up. I realize that some men just get a thrill from messaging a woman a shot of his penis or like to post profile pics of their oozing shaft to their dating profile. But some other guys are looking for more than just a reaction. They’re looking for stroke material. They’re hoping, with their not at all sexy or arousing dirty talk, that you’ll gladly join them in a virtual wank date. That’s it. You might as well be a Real Doll.

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Filed Under: Awkward, Get Women, Just The Tip, Kinky, Oral Sex, Servicey 2, Sex, Sexting, sexuality, Signs of Interest, Single Women Give Horrible Dating Advice, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Spring Fever Is A Great Excuse To Have Sex..Or Not

May 17, 2012 by 3 Comments

It seems I have developed a bit of a food allergy. I think. I hope. The right side of my tongue and my right hand/arm are tingly. Overall, I’m feeling a bit wonky and weak. I never get sick. When I do it kinda wipes me out. In any case, I don’t feel up to writing a full post. This was originally written Apr 4, 2011. The post generated 76 comments. Since we appear to have a whole new batch of readers, I’m going to repost this. PS? Last night a good friend of mine made me a delish salmon dinner. (The suspected culprit of aforementioned wonky-ness.) We were standing outside his building, enjoying the view (see pic at right) before we went for a walk, when Jude Law walked right past us. Omigodomigodomigod. Talk about enjoying the view.

Name: M. | | Location: New York , NY |Question: I met a guy about 6 weeks ago who I really like. We’ve had 4 dates so far, despite the fact that he’s made 5 business trips to the West coast during this time. Considering the weekends that he’s had with his teenaged kids (he’s divorced) and the time spent traveling, it seems he’s made an effort to try to see me as often as he reasonably can. We always have a great time: great conversations and blistering chemistry. There are calls, texts, emails from him every few days or so.

We got tickets to see a play this upcoming Sunday. It’s a matine (2pm) and in the email where I accepted his invitation I said how cool it would be to wake up together in the city (he lives in NJ) and walk across town to a matinee then a have a great dinner. I also added “not a suggestion…just dreaming out loud”. I did this because although our time together always includes heavy petting and kissing, our emails and texts are always platonically friendly and I felt like adding a bit of romance to one for a change, in a fit of Spring fever. He had already invited me to go on one of his trips with him but I declined, and he had also invited me to spend the night at his place, which I also declined. My image of waking up together was maybe to let him know that I was thinking along those lines for the future, if not now. I admit that I didn’t really give it much thought before sending it.

He didn’t respond to the email (which I didn’t expect him to do, since there was no question in it) but in a phone call a few days later he says, in passing, how much he’s looking forward to Saturday and Sunday together. I was confused since we didn’t have plans for Saturday, so he brought up my email, which surprised me since I forgot about it as soon as I hit ‘send’. I remember stuttering something about how I did write that it wasn’t a suggestion, but he said that it sounded like such a good idea. Since I really, really hate discussing anything serious over the phone so early on I let the matter drop. Now as the time is approaching he mentions again how much he’s looking forward to our weekend together. He mentioned going out in Manhattan Saturday night, both of us going back to his place in NJ, making brunch together Sunday morning then driving back to the city for the play.

Moxie, the problem is that I don’t feel connected enough to him to sleep with him (and spending the night with a guy who lives 30 minutes away and not sleeping with him seems a bit silly to me). Yes, I am turned on by him physically, but at this point if I never heard from him again I would just think of “that cool sexy guy what’s-his-name…too bad nothing came of it”. I really enjoy sex with a guy I care for, but don’t really care to have sex with a guy I barely know. I’m seeing other guys (not having sex with them either) and as far as I know he’s seeing other women and if he’s not it’s because his schedule’s been too busy. At this point I don’t really care if he’s seeing other women: we’re still getting to know each other. Six weeks would ordinarily be long enough, I suppose, if he hadn’t been travelling, and if our phone calls had been more than brief chats to check in and exchange pleasantries.

How do I tell him that I’m not ready to sleep with him? I’m perfectly fine with the way thing are going, and don’t want to imply otherwise. I’m afraid any explanation will send the wrong signal: I’m not putting him off because I don’t want him or like him. I’m just not ready for sex with him. I don’t want to tell him this in an email or over the phone. I can’t wait to see him (it will have been three weeks since our last date) but is it fair to meet him on Saturday and then tell him that we can go out that day and again the next day, but we’re not having sex? Should I call him beforehand and tell him, or cancel our plans for Saturday? (I cancelled one date on him already because of illness). I really dread inserting a note of confusion into something that’s going so well so far. No need to tell me all of this was my fault for bringing up the romantic scenario in the first place…I’ve already given myself enough lashes for that one! How should I handle this without changing the fun vibe between us? |Age: 40

I’m not sure you can put this particular genie back in the bottle, I’m afraid. This guy is going to feel like he’s being used and manipulated.

Six weeks would ordinarily be long enough, I suppose, if he hadn’t been travelling, and if our phone calls had been more than brief chats to check in and exchange pleasantries.

Okay. Which is it. You start off by saying he’s made a great deal of effort and seem impressed by that. But here you seem to be downplaying the effort and time you’ve spent getting to know him.

Yes, I am turned on by him physically, but at this point if I never heard from him again I would just think of “that cool sexy guy what’s-his-name…too bad nothing came of it”.

If you were as detached as you implied, you wouldn’t be trying to be romantic with him. You just wouldn’t. You said it yourself in the opening of your letter. You really like him. Again, you’re contradicting yourself. I don’t think this is a matter of you not knowing if you like this man. I think you’re afraid he doesn’t like you. I also believe you’re afraid you’re going to have sex with him and he’s going to disappear. You know what? He might. He might never call you again. He could be dating Lord knows how many other women and spending alternate weekends with them. This is fear at work. But fear of what?

I understand the need to be comfortable with a man in order to have sex with them. But more often than not, this is a bullshit excuse women use when what they’re really wanting is proof the guy isn’t going to leave them. Well, you’re never going to get that. A man or woman can make all kinds of promises and still leave.Let me explain something to you…regardless of whether you have sex with him, if he’s going to bail, he’s going to bail. The sex isn’t going to be a factor.

Well, other than not having it. That will be a factor. Especially now since you put it on the table. Most people – male or female – would interpret “I want to wake up with you” as “I want to have sex with you.”

I really enjoy sex with a guy I care for, but don’t really care to have sex with a guy I barely know.

But…the chemistry is “blistering.” How do you build such intense chemistry with a man you’re so lukewarm about and barely know? Once more, you’re contradicting yourself. You go from saying that the chemistry is blistering to saying that the phone conversations you have are merely an exchange of “pleasantries.”

I’m not putting him off because I don’t want him or like him. I’m just not ready for sex with him.

Well, I guess the first thing you need to do is figure out why, exactly, you’re not ready for sex with him. You’ll spend two days with him. You’ll sleep over. You’ll engage in heavy petting. So what’s the block? Because I don’t buy for a minute it’s that you aren’t sure how you feel about this man.   I’m going to throw this out there….do you think you canceled one of the dates to see if he would follow up and reschedule with you? You know..a test of his interest? I’m just asking you to consider this possibility.

The problem with tests is that more often than not they don’t work. Well, they do, but not in the way you think. Now, should things not work out, you will have a specific incident to refer to to explain why this guy never calls again. At least this way you’ll know instead of wondering what you did wrong or what happened. Now you have some control in the dissolution of this relationship. Which is better than torturing yourself, right?

Wrong.

You messed up here. You know it. The question is why. Sure, this guy might be understanding and get past this. Which would probably “prove” to you how invested he is. I think that’s what you’re looking for, whether you know it or not.You’re looking for proof. And this very well might be a test. Or you’re not really interested in having a relationship at all. We said in yesterday’s post that there are a slew of men who date who know, either consciously or unconsciously, that they don’t really want  a relationship. there’s a growing number of women who are doing the exact same thing.

The only way to save this situation is to be totally honest with him. Talk to him about it. Explain what you’re feeling. That is the only way to save this. But you’re going to have to willing to be honest with yourself first. Do you really want to try and salvage this? Because if you don’t, then stop wasting this man’s time. This letter was  a series of excuses and contradictions.

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Filed Under: Dating, Sex, sexuality, Signs of Interest, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Dealing With a Massive Male Ego

October 27, 2011 by 34 Comments

Name: Growing Disinterested
State: NJ
Age: 33
Comment: This is long…So I met a guy from okcupid. We messaged each other for a few days and then nothing for a week from him. I wasn’t meeting anyone that I found interesting so I was going to leave the site. Before I did I sent him a message asking if he was still interested in chatting. He said yes and sorry for not messaging me he was busy with work. We exchanged numbers and a few days later we met. From the first meeting he talks about how he wants a relationship and likes me and doesn’t want to see anyone else. He wanted to know if I was interested in seeing anyone else. To me that meant was I going to be actively searching for someone. I wasn’t so I said so. Focusing on one person would be nice. He did a big song and dance about how he wants me to be open-minded about a future with him. I’m the first to admit I am jaded. Yet I figured what the hell…so I kept an open mind.

We saw each other maybe four more times after the first. Doing nothing more than meeting after work and going back to his place. He has two kids and when we met he had weekends off and would spend the weekends with them. From Friday evening to Sunday evening. Since then his hours at work have changed and he works nights and has off two days during the week. I knew that seeing someone with kids was going to be difficult because of managing time. But I like him and I don’t need to be with him 24/7. I do need to see him though…and not once a week or once every other week (that’s how it was when we met) He kept saying he would make time for me…I think you know where I am going with this…he hasn’t made time. And when I tried to compromise it never worked out. A few times when we made plans they were interrupted because of issues with dropping off his kids or work.

One night I had dinner with a friend who is also an ex. He asked I told and I was honest. Nothing happened between the ex and I except for some good Mexican. Right away I got the you must be cheating…ummm when did we decide we were in a relationship? At the time of the dinner I hadn’t seen okcupid guy in two weeks. But because in the past when HE has met up with an ex he has had sex with them he thinks that everyone does that. I’m sure many do…My ex knew I was seeing someone and knew sex wasn’t happening. After that our conversations were usually around “I thought you would be patient and understanding (concerning the job and kids) I guess you aren’t so do you.” Meanwhile if I missed a call or didn’t respond to a text in under two 2.5 seconds I got an “are you ok?” text. When I would talk to him I would be reminded that I wasn’t around when he tried to reach me before and that I must have been busy.

It has been two months since first meeting and three weeks since we last saw each other, talking less and less. He hasn’t even made an attempt to see me. When I asked if he wanted to stop seeing me (why ask him, you wonder? Because I wanted to know if he cared) he answered with a “why would you say that” question. Come to find out he still has his profile up on okcupid even though he said he would take it down. Mine was disabled and I wanted to delete for good. Honestly I really don’t care if he still has his profile up. What hurt me was the fact that according to him he never went on the site yet a picture he took for me he is using as his profile pic. Proving he has been on the site recently. He is free to see other people. But he shouldn’t be harping on me having dinner with an ex if he won’t make the time to see me. Yes he IS busy so maybe he shouldn’t be trying to date…at least not me.

I have been laying low since the profile thing and he has gone back to calling me every night when he gets home at around 1:30a. Our small talk is painful but he is making an effort. No mention of us seeing each other. The more time that passes the less interested I become. Should I just fade away and cease contact or do you think he deserves a proper “I’m going to see other people” conversation or should he get nothing and I just do me and if it happens that I see him I see him?

 

So I met a guy from okcupid. We messaged each other for a few days and then nothing for a week from him.

First red flag. If a week goes by and the other person hasn’t followed up or responded, move on. I keep saying this. If the conversation goes on longer than a couple days, move on.  Someone who is interested and available is taking things offline with in a week. Or they’re at least explaining why they are unable to do so other than “work is really crazy.” That’s it. By tracking him down, you played your hand and let him know you were sort of desperate.

From the first meeting he talks about how he wants a relationship and likes me and doesn’t want to see anyone else.

Red flag #2. Weird that he’s so all in on the first date, but you had to be the one to initiate the conversation again.Too Much, Too Soon Guy. Avoid. It is completely irrational that eh would want to jump in to something consistent when his previous behavior was so inconsistent.

I’m the first to admit I am jaded. Yet I figured what the hell…so I kept an open mind.

No. No no no.  This is not you being open and flexible. This is you going for a guy that you know is bad for you. Women keep using this excuse for the wrong reasons. You were lonely and maybe feeling a little desperate. Admitting that is going to make getting over these situations much, much easier and prevent you from doing it again. We all feel this way from time to time. There is no shame in it. The shame is in denying it and justifying it by lying to yourself. Do that for long enough and you’ll start to believe it.

He asked I told and I was honest.

There was no need to be totally honest here. You two weren’t exclusive and you knew that the dinner was innocent. Nothing happened. No need to go in to detailed explanations. My guess is you were trying to make him jealous.

He is free to see other people. But he shouldn’t be harping on me having dinner with an ex if he won’t make the time to see me.

He wouldn’t have been harping on you if you hadn’t told him. Admit it, you liked that he feigned offense at what you did. You think it some how meant he cared. Only it didn’t. He just likes guilting women so they do what he wants. It’s controlling. You made yourself vulnerable to him the minute you followed up with him. He had you, and he played you.And when you told him about your dinner, you exposed yourself even more. Men know what we’re doing when we do these things. Usually, they just ignore or avoid our attempts at getting this kind of attention. The unhealthy guys are the ones to react like this. Those are the possessive, controlling, insecure guys.

Should I just fade away and cease contact or do you think he deserves a proper “I’m going to see other people” conversation or should he get nothing and I just do me and if it happens that I see him I see him?

He doesn’t deserve a proper anything. The only reason you’d want to do this is in the hopes that he will suddenly change and realize what he had and try to win you back. He’s not going to do that. And even if he did, it would be disingenuous. This tool hates the idea of a woman moving on or leaving him first, despite the fact that he avoids and ignores them until he wants something. He’s got a massive, yet fragile, ego.

He wants to know that you are thinking of him and only him. He may not spend much time with you or make much effort, but he still expects to be a priority. He had you chase him down and pursue him – ego stroke. You agreed to engage in some form of a relationship after one date – ego stroke. He pours it on thick and says all the right things strictly so you will become enamored of him – ego stroke. He doesn’t want a relationship. He wants attention and validation. He wants to have you jump when he says jump.  When you told him you had dinner with an ex, he wasn’t afraid of losing you, per se. He was afraid that he had lost the top spot for your attention and affection.

This guy wants to be chased and pursued. That feeds his delusional beliefs and ego. This is no different than the women who avoid phone calls or texts or cancel dates. They want to be wooed and pursued. It’s all ego driven. They want to feel special, like they are a priority.

No, you shouldn’t deal with him further or offer any form of a Dear John explanation. All that will do is trigger his need to “win.” He’ll offer some lame attempt at an apology, provide a modicum of attention just to get you back in the fold, and then it will start all over again.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating The Crazy, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, Men To Avoid, Online Dating, Red Flags, Signs of Interest Tagged With: , , , ,

It’s Not You, It’s Him

June 28, 2011 by 2 Comments

Name: cdales |  Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi Moxie

I’m sure you’ll hear this and go same story different situation but I’ve been reading you’re advice and find your angle/take on the situation refreshingly simple and honest.  I’ve had this one situation in my dating career pester me and would love to get your insight on what actually happened…Here is goes…

Met and started dating the brother of my close friends boyfriend.  Things were going great – the first week was the “I’m so into you/I really like you” (BTW read your response regarding the saying nice things in the beginning as a way of knowing if you’re into him, totally interesting perspective).  After our first date he asked me out for the next day (I declined but rain checked) he started emailing me everyday…multiple times….followed by texts after the work day ended.  Frankly, I freaked out the first week because it was a little intense for me, but I still tried to keep my cool.   I kind of liked the emailing aspect, it was an interesting way to get to know someone.  The one weird point was after 2 weeks in he stopped trying to see me or it felt like it.  Same emailing everyday, same “what are you doing tonight?”, but he seemed to shy out of trying to hang.  I started to call him my penpal basically.  Granted I do understand that his job is 7:30 – 4:30 and then a lot of time out with clients/co-workers “schmoozing” if you will.  Mine is the same, and yes I know letting work get in the way is, well a cover for me.  So after once suggesting we hang out and didn’t I never tried that again.  I actually never really initiated conversation, let him sort of control as I was feeling it out.

Our last date/interaction was a mess…namely he was.  He was out with my friend/his brother and I came and met up with them later on (had plans that day).  He was a mess from the night before, was embarrassed about it and pointed out that we had to hang under better circumstances.  I spent the night (we were not even close to sleeping together at this point in our dating scheme).  Next morning was fine, he texted me after work, I replied, then he replied.  Then….nothing.  Normally I go with actions speak louder than words and he’s not into me.  A week later his brother was under the influence and gave me an earful about the guy I was dating/his brother.  Massive diatribe all unprovoked (I made it a point to NEVER speak about his brother with him) He had apologized because he told his brother to stop emailing as much bc it was too much (or something along those lines), he just didn’t realize that I didn’t mind getting in touch everyday.  His main points were that he’s loves his brother but 1) he’s an emotional child 2) all the girls he ever dated prior were idiots and I was the first ‘smart girl’ he had dated, which was ‘good’ because I was there to ‘push back’ and that’s why he knew his brother liked me 3) he has to ‘control’ situations 4) he is paralyzed by insecurity and the fear of being rejected.  I know we all are, but I can relate to the deep fear, all consuming all controlling feeling.  It happens to me a lot.

I did break and text him once a month later after all this.  Something along the lines of an inside joke, and ended with hope you’re well.  No questions necessary. He responded with a series of questions and I sorta played it cool.  Short response, no questions.  My guess was if he was into me then he’d continue. 

Any insight on what went down?  I’ve never had the juxtaposing behavior of I like you let’s talk everyday to … nothing.  Always on the fence of what went down and well, if he’s worth trying to get in touch with again.  I still think about him alot, which is weirder, dated plenty since then. 

If you have the chance I’d love to hear your feedback.

Thanks for your time,
C |Age: 26

This can be summed up quite easily.

He’s a mess.

The brother told you that he was, at times, paralyzed by insecurity and the fear of being rejected. Boom. Done. That’s all you need to know. It’s one thing to fear rejection. We all do. But to be “paralyzed” by it is not the same as having the occasional bout of insecurity.  This guy doesn’t even make his own decisions. His brother told him to stop emailing you. And he did it. Case closed. This guy is an emotional wreck. You don’t want him when he’s in this shape. 

What went down is that he isn’t any good with relationships. He probably usually dates girls who do all the heavy lifting and work. Not because he’s lazy but because he hasn’t a clue what to do. Do you want to be someone’s partner and equal or do you want to be someone’s nursemaid and caretaker?

You’re trying to rationalize irrational behavior. That’s what has you stuck. That’s where so many of us get stuck. Someone acts really in to us, shows signs of interests then puts the walls up  without warning. That’s not rational. I’m not saying the guy is crazy…just in need of some serious fixin’. But that is not your job. Don’t fall in to that pattern of taking in all the stray dogs and wounded birds. It’s great to be compassionate and kind. But there are some people that can’t be saved by love. That’s a Lifetime movie.

You don’t have to help him. Just don’t hurt him.

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Filed Under: Dating, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, It's Him, Latests Posts, Signs of Interest, Understanding Men

Was She Blowing Him Off?

May 27, 2011 by 12 Comments

My friend G. met a woman at a party. They exchanged emails back and forth a few days later when she friend requested him on Facebook. He mentioned how he doesn’t get to her part of the city often enough and has heard about how great it is. She says that the next time he’s in her neighborhood he should let her know and she’ll give him a tour and they could go for a drink. He replied back and said that sounded like a good idea, and to let him know when she’s free. She didn’t respond. So he emailed her again the next day and suggested they meet up in her ‘hood on Thursday night. She said sure, but that she had to be in bed by ten pm because she had recently started a new job and couldn’t stay out late.

Now he’s wondering if she had just been being friendly all along and he misread the signals. Maybe he came on too strong or seemed too interested?  Maybe she’s blowing him off?  Or…as I suggested…maybe she was trying to get him to switch to a different night, say over the weekend, but didn’t want to ask for fear of coming off demanding.

 

What do you think?

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