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Are Both People To Blame When One Person Snoops?

April 23, 2013 by 28 Comments

Name: Nataliewomancon
Comment: I’ve been dating a man for around a year, and there have been ups and down.  But, we always find our way back to each other after a week or two of being ‘broken up’.  This past Saturday, we were having a nice time out with each other.  While he was in the restroom, I looked through his phone… I’m not sure why or what came over me. I know that this was a complete violation of his trust, which is kind of ironic, as that’s exactly why I’m upset with him now. I saw his dating profile, and looked at the sent messages to see that he messaged someone two weeks ago.

This was a time which I thought we were together and happy.  Granted, we had had one of our ‘break ups’ a couple weeks prior.  But, we were spending a lot of time together, sleeping together, and becoming very emotionally close again. I immediately let him know what I had done once he returned and what I had found.  Of course, he became defensive and angry that I had gone through his phone (which is totally understandable).

SO, neither of us backed down. The night ended disastrously, and we have not really spoken since. I did invite him over last night (Sunday). Of course, he said he couldn’t.

Here are some things that are really bothering me about this:
1. He had told me that he wasn’t looking for anyone else, let alone messaging anyone. So, he lied about that.
2. We were, in my opinion, back together when he sent the message. He was willing to possibly create an entire new relationship when he’s telling me he loves me. So, I consider that cheating.
3. How am I supposed to trust that he hadn’t been doing this the entire time we’ve been dating? How am I supposed to trust that he won’t do it in the future?

Is he even worth my time to try to see his point of view? Am I overreacting to a message when he may have considered us broken up?
Thanks,
Natalie
Age: 30
City: Chandler
State: AZ

 

1. He had told me that he wasn’t looking for anyone else, let alone messaging anyone. So, he lied about that.

But…you said you had had one of your multiple breakups just a couple weeks ago. So how is this cheating? Yes, you are over-reacting to this.

2. We were, in my opinion, back together when he sent the message

Okay, but did he agree to that or even know that?

3. How am I supposed to trust that he hadn’t been doing this the entire time we’ve been dating?

Probably the same way he’s supposed to trust that you won’t wait for him to go take a shower so you can snoop through his phone. You’re just going to have to take it day by day. That’s all you can do.

I understand why you’re upset. You can feel however you like. Nobody gets to tell you what emotions to have in situations like these. They’re there, they’re yours, they’re all valid. Unfortunately they aren’t backed up by anything other than your assumptions.

Of course he lied about messaging other people. Most people in his situation would. If it’s between being honest and sparing yourself and another person pain, lying is often considered the kind or even humane thing to do. He’s allowed to want to feel cautious about getting back together again. He’s also allowed to keep his options open.

You can romanticize your relationship all you like by saying you have ups and downs and that you always find your way back to each other and all that rom com good stuff. That doesn’t make your relationship healthy or productive. You can’t just assume that, after each break up, things go right back to the way they were with all rules and expectations in place. It doesn’t work that way. You’re starting all over again in a sense. Every single time. You’re relationship wasn’t on pause during these splits.

Just because you believed you two were back together doesn’t make it so. Plus, you don’t get to be the only one who decides if you’re officially back together. Both of you have a say in that. I keep trying to get this point across: exclusivity is only real when it has been verbalized and agreed upon by both parties. And even then it’s just a promise not to screw up for now.

Is he even worth my time to try to see his point of view?

I..I don’t know. Did you think it was worth his time to see your point of view?

The problem I have with this is that this is just a series of one-sided rationalizations on your part. It’s all about you. You don’t appear to be considering his side at all.

Personally, I think it’s time to close the curtain on this relationship. There’s just too much water under the bridge and too many starts and stops for you two to be able to continue. You went looking for a problem and you found one, but you don’t have much context to use to determine whether any actual wrong doing occurred.  That’s the typical outcome when someone snoops.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Dating, Snooping Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Red Flags Are Red Flags For a Reason

March 4, 2013 by 24 Comments

Name: NYCgirl
Comment: Hey guys, so I have a little dilemma with a guy I’ve been seeing. I met him back in July  after hanging out for a weekend with mutual friends we exchanged numbers  started talking via the phone. I went to friend request him on FB  as I was on his page I noticed he had a girlfriend listed. So I didnt say anything to him at first ( I didnt want to seem like a stalker or as if I was playing CIA spy). Being that its FB  he could of very well not updated his profile in some time I let it go. I told a friend of mine about what happened  she asked me to check his instagram page. I am not one for snooping around but I was curious to see if he indeed had a GF  maybe he was just trying to get into my pants.(I have been burned many times before so my guard is up at all times.) SO with the help of my friend we found his IG page  saw pictures of him  the same girl from FB posted from 2 weeks ago. Now I had already asked him if he was single  he told me yes. After finding all this out I decided to proceed with our first dinner date we had planned. I asked him again, over dinner, to his face, if he was single. “Yes I am” he replied. I kept him around for another week seeing if he would come clean after speaking everyday  he still claimed to be “single”. Finally I called him out on it. He claimed I was playing detective  had no idea what was going on.I never spoke to him after that. Later on I found out from a mutual friend that at the time he met me he was on a “break” w his current GF. They had got into a fight thursday night  he went out friday to “clear his mind”  thats when he met me. So now its December  thru the same mutual friends I see him at a party. He pulls me aside  apologizes to me saying he was sorry  blah blah Me being nice I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt  I decide to give him one more shot. We hit things off right away. He takes me to great restaurants, movies, etc. However I have caught him in a couple white lies that has me thinking. For example, he lied to me about when the last time he sold drugs was. ( He was an ex-dealer  claimed he last sold in 2008) when in fact it was in 2011. Then he lied to me about why he had lost his drivers license  didnt get a new one. We have been dating since December  we already went to Miami together in late January. I thought this was too soon but being that our mutual friends were going also I decided ok. (I would of not gone just me  him so soon) He also talks about marriage  kids  meeting his family  I think hes moving too fast. I sometimes feel like hes trying to “trap me”, I am 30 years old, a registered nurse , I have my own place  make my own money. Hes 28, lives at home  works for his fathers company, so the fact that he wanted to make me his gf after less than 2 months of dating I find a little weird. I would appreciate any input. Thank you!
Age: 30
City: NYC
State: NY

 

Hes 28, lives at home  works for his fathers company, so the fact that he wanted to make me his gf after less than 2 months of dating I find a little weird.

That’s what you find weird? That is probably the least concerning aspect of this story.

Here’s the narrative going on in your head:

You’re a woman who has had a lot of bad luck in love. You have your guard up, have  a hard time trusting men, etc. You are not the type of person to snoop or do any kind of unnecessary recon work on the men you meet. You’re a nice person which is why you give people who lie to you a second chance.

Here’s the reality:

You’re attracted to bad boys. Your guard isn’t up. You trust pretty easily, and usually trust the wrong person. Saying that your guard is up and citing all your past disappointments is supposed to make people feel sorry for you and sympathize for you rather than suggest you have really bad taste in men and are probably a little desperate.

Here’s my take on this:

This guy is a drug dealer with a criminal record. A record you found when you weren’t playing detective. He’s anxious to get out of his parent’s house, so he’s trying to get you all buttered up so you’ll take him in. You clearly don’t trust him and never have. Yet you continued to date him despite having caught him in numerous lies. You’re not concerned that he wasn’t to make you his girlfriend. You’re not unsettled by how quickly he appears to be moving. You’re unnerved because you know he has an agenda.

He accused you of playing Nancy Drew when you confronted him with a lie because he knew he was caught. Remember what I said a few weeks ago about paying attention to how someone reacts when you criticize them. If they turn it around on you, they know the accusation is true to some degree and are trying to change the subject and make their accuser feel insecure.

The only reason he profusely apologized that night at that party in December was because he knew he needed someone else to suck off of as he continued his shiftless life. Lucky for him that you’re so easily impressed.

I’m not sure what you’re looking for here. You admit you’ve caught him in multiple lies. You know his life isn’t terribly stable and that he has dabbled in illegal activities. You continued to date him despite all of this. So what is it that you want to hear? That he’s shady? You know that. It’s not that you think he’s moving too fast. It’s that you want to believe that it’s all real and don’t want to be played for a fool. Again. Oh wait. Again again.

He is trying to trap you. Walk away. Eventually this guy is going to sucker you into taking on the burden that is him. You have your own life, reputation, career and financial situation to consider. This guy will slowly begin to creep into all of these areas of your life and ruin them.

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Cheating, Dating, Facebook, Rebound, Red Flags, Snooping, Social Media, Stalker

To Catch a Douchebag

September 4, 2012 by 8 Comments

Another story submitted by the woman from this post.

I found the article above to be very enlightening.  This week end I encountered a guy I  had fling with 10 years ago when I was new and very confused new single Mom.  It was fun to see him and the chemistry was still there.  The chemistry fizzled when one of his friends happen to mention to my friends that he is currently married.  He wanted to continue the weekend romp but I said no.  I have boundaries about sex  with married men.

This guy is a real snake.  I left a party to take my friends to another location.  I planned to return to him to continue the conversation and then I learned about his status.  I asked him if he was married in a text…….he said….”yes…3x and 14 kids….I could not get  a straight answer….so I googled him and saw a woman’s name on his address listing……I asked about her and he claimed it was his niece…..I told him that he did not have a 45 year old niece and that he was totally busted.  I am certain that he is worried that I will notify his wife  but that is not happening since I have put this drama behind me.

Truth be told he had a very teeny willy and a self absorbed out look that made him bad relationship material.   NEXT!!!!!!!    and keep on going out with friends who vet your prospective dates and of course…..google like crazy!  Dodged a bullet!

 

Um..congrats that you met another loser? At what point are we allowed to wonder what makes you such a douchebag magnet?

Your sleuthing skills aren’t terribly impressive. You’re uncovering information that these men likely KNOW is out there. You don’t seem to be making one very important connection with all these situations. That would be that these men think so little of you that they don’t care what you find out. They don’t care enough about you to even lie. That’s how insignificant you are to these men.

Instead if connecting those dots, you’re cruising Google and “vetting’ these men, oblivious to the fact that they don’t care why you find out about them. You’re also clueless to the impression that you make simply by crowing about this and telling these stories over and over again. I can assure you that your friends all laugh and tell you how super smart you are, and then go home and get on the phone and discuss why they believe you’re such a mark for these men.

Here’s the truth. Sleazy, unsavory men like this almost exclusively work women they think are desperate, lonely or stupid. The upside is that those women are also usually unstable to some degree and end up making their lives uncomfortable or unpleasant.  You’ll rarely see some objectively really attractive and stable woman sitting in one of those seminars that teach women how to properly vet their dates. What you will see is a collective of frumpy and/or middle aged women with permanent frowns sitting in a room all thinking they’re so much smarter than the next poor sap sitting beside them. They think they’re empowering themselves by taking some class on how to find out where their dates went to school or how much they pay in rent. They’d be better off working with  good therapist in order to help them fix whatever it is about their self-esteem or perception of reality that leads them to be prey for these men. But no. That would be a waste of money. Women refuse to see the connection between their looks/age and the guy’s shady character. You Google and Facebook Friend men like this because you want to see the competition and you want to know why a guy like that wants a woman like you. You don’t trust that their interest is sincere BECAUSE IT USUALLY ISN’T.

You didn’t catch him. He doesn’t care. This guy is not scared you’ll tell his wife. Know why? SHE ALREADY KNOWS WHAT AN ASSHOLE HE IS. Seriously…do you really think that you, with all your scary Nancy Drew tactics, figured something out that a woman who MARRIED him doesn’t already know?

The real tragedy in all of this is the amount of time you appear to invest in Googling and engaging losers like this instead of meeting a decent man! You’re too busy reading articles and blogs and playing Sherlock Holmes to even meet a good guy.

You can say Next!!!! all you like. Wow. Congrats. You’re NOT going out with an obvious asshole. You think you’re setting yourself apart from other women, but really you’re merely making a lateral move. Here’s why: you still manage to indulge and attract these idiots. These guys LOVE to know that some random woman they met at a party sat at her computer and scoured Google in an attempt to learn more about him. Do you see? THEY LIKE IT.

Have women become so desperate for male attention and to prove to other women how desirable they are that they willingly put themselves in precarious and tedious situations like this?  Seriously, ladies, what are you hoping to prove and to whom? These stories that we hear all over the blogosphere aren’t just written out of pride for catching some douche in the act. They’re written to brag about catching their attention in the first place.

 

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Filed Under: Cheating, Dating, Douchey Guys, Happy & Healthy, Snooping, Stalker, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

First Date Second Guessing

August 26, 2012 by 23 Comments

Name: Roo
Age: 39
State: NYC
Question:  Had a date Friday with a woman from Match. We met for drinks then went to a comedy show and then had another drink after. It was getting late and I had to get home to walk my dog. I suggested she come back to my place with me and we could get my dog and walk her together. We get to my place and my date says she’s tired. I say she can crash at my place if she wants and that I’d walk my dog by myself and she could go to bed. I was gone about 15-20 minutes when she called me asking when I’d be back. I returned to my place about 10 minutes later.* When I got home my date told me she was going to go home because she didn’t feel right staying over after the first date. She said “we could do that on the second date.” I’m trying to figure out what happened and whether I should contact her again for a second date. Thanks.

*Edited – The OP emailed me and said he checked his phone to see when she called him. He said he wasn’t gone longer than 20-25 minutes  AND that the woman in question is a dog owner herself.

What happened was that she changed her mind. You know that. The true question is why. The most probable answer is that she felt staying over on the first date was a bad move. What she failed to consider was that changing her mind and leaving after she agreed to stay over is the real bad move here. She didn’t have to have sex with you or fool around. She could have just slept there. If you were a dick about her not wanting to have sex then she’d have her answer and would waste no further time. Instead she sat in your apartment and analyzed the situation to death. She probably texted her friends, too, telling them the haps. Giiirrrl, go home now. He won’t respect you!

OR…

She wasn’t terribly interested in the first place and took advantage of the window of opportunity you provided for her by leaving her alone in your apartment.

OR..

She snooped around your apartment while you were gone and saw something that turned her off/scared her/made her think you have a girlfriend or are otherwise disingenuous.

OR…

She felt sick, got her period or felt she was too tipsy to sleep over.

I’m leaning towards the likelihood that she either over-analyzed the situation or found something in your apartment that turned her off. I can remember the first time I saw the apartment of a man I was dating. In his kitchen were an array of plastic, multi-colored steak knives hung on a decorative rack on the wall. He said that he used to keep regular steel steak knives there, but took them down after one woman he dated saw them, freaked out and left. The first time I stayed over, he said I was “free to look through his medicine cabinet.” Another woman he dated did that and found his Ambien prescription, which then led to an inquiry about why he was taking it, what else was he on, where there is smoke there’s fire, etc. My point is that people will create a back story if it suits them.

Oh, something else you shouldn’t do? You shouldn’t leave strangers alone in your apartment. You’re mighty trusting. While I don’t think she’d steal anything, she’s still likely to totally violate your privacy by snooping. Her rationalization would be that she was making sure you weren’t a serial killer instead of, like, just not going home with you. Leave a woman to her own devices and she will create a story in her head of how things will play out. It becomes a Choose Your On Adventure exercise, with multiple endings. Sadly, most women choose the wrong ending.

I’m not sure what is so magical about the second date other than it’s not the dreaded first date. Another illogical rationalization. First date sex is a bad move. Second date sex is totally better. If she knows she’d be comfortable after 2 dates, then why wait to stay over? Forget it. That’s a rhetorical question. I know the answer – because she’s immature.

Should you call ask her out again? Go ahead. Personally, this sort if behavior would turn me off completely. She didn’t own her choice. She is still dating by antiquated rules created by self-sabotaging women. Plus she kinda nagged you as to your whereabouts. After a first date. You’re a 39  year old man in Manhattan. There are plenty of other women to date. This has already stalled a bit. Now you’re going to have to “prove” you’re not just out to have sex with her.Your choice, though.

Thoughts?

 

 

 

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Filed Under: After The First Date, Awkward, Date Like a Man, Dating, First Date Etiquette, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, Hook Up Culture, Sex, sexuality, Snooping Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Out of Site

October 2, 2011 by 14 Comments

I’ve had three dates with a guy from OKcupid. I told him I was going to send him a friend request on Facebook. I couldn’t find him no matter what way I searched. Should I ask him about it or do you think he’s hiding something? – Sonia, 33 – Facebook.

Just because you couldn’t find his profile doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one.

Believe it or not, not everybody is all about The Facebook. Especially lately. Facebook scrambled their layout and privacy settings AGAIN, making it possible for viewers to search through years worth of status updates in half the time.

Do I think it’s strange that you couldn’t find his page? No and yes. No, because I think people are more concerned for privacy and Big Brother’s prying eyes. Yes, because…well…I don’t know anyone personally not on Facebook. I would think if he didn’t have a profile he would have told you that. So…if you couldn’t find him by name or email address, and he did make his profile unsearchable, I would wonder why. But I’m suspicious bordering on paranoid by nature.

If you and this guy are on good terms and still actively dating, then it’s unlikely that he blocked you. But if this is a drive-by Facebook stalk after three dates that went nowhere and he hasn’t made any attempts to contact you, he could have just blocked you to prevent an unnecessary ugliness. Only you know if something went down to to bring that on. But if you and he are still in touch and he’s still showing genuine interest then there are a few explanations.

Maybe you don’t have the email address he uses for Facebook. Maybe the name he uses on his Facebook page is some wacky variation of his real name. Or he may have selected the option that Facebook provides that allows people to take their profiles out of public searches, which also includes Google searches.

It’s almost like now the lack of sharing Facebook info is the equivalent to them not giving you their home or main number. The only reason why someone would do that is to prevent calls coming in at inconvenient times. Other than Privacy reasons, my only other guess for why you might not be able to find his profile is because, of course, he doesn’t want you to see his profile…yet. Maybe he’s still involved with someone or is just out of something and needs to clean that up and remove traces of that off his page? Some people take longer than others to delete photos and such. Maybe he doesn’t want his profile page to be found by someone in particular – family, an ex, an employer? That seems like a a lot of effort and inconvenience to go through, though.

Personally, I think someone who is going to those lengths not to be found has a reason and that that negates the whole purpose of Facebook. Why be on there if you don’t want to be found?  It’s one thing to keep Tweets protected and to have strict privacy settings on Facebook. But to not be searchable or able to be found at all on Facebook when they have a profile? In general, somebody that locked down raises red flags with me. Everybody today knows that if they meet someone the first place they are going to go is Facebook. If I’m a cheater… and an experienced one at that…I’ll know what precautions to take, starting with making my Facebook page. I’m locking everything up.

I’d probably ask him if you could friend request him and see what he says. But even then, he might hold off on giving you the link simply because he doesn’t want you having that access to his life just yet.There is always the chance that, if you ask him, he’ll be honest about whatever the reason is. But you have to be willing to accept whatever answer he gives and not press.

Crap. I really don’t know the best course of action here. I think you’re just going to have to wait it out.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Facebook, Latests Posts, Online Dating, Red Flags, Snooping, Social Media Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

The Good Boy Phone & The Naughty Boy Phone

August 22, 2011 by 25 Comments

Name: D | | Location: Denver , Colorado |Question: Here’s a kind of amusing/awkward thing that just happened to me last night. I was in the process of arranging dates with two different women. For one woman it’s the first date and the other just the second, so it’s not like any of us have much invested. I was flirting a little with both of them over text, nothing x-rated, and they were both responsive.

For the first-date woman, we scheduled drinks after work. For the second-date woman, I offered her a choice of doing a hike together or going to a trampoline park. She jumped (ha!) at the trampoline idea. I texted back “Be prepared to sweat!”

About 10 minutes later I got a text from the first-date girl. “What do you mean by that?” It was then that I realized I’d sent the “sweat” text to her.

I could’ve tried to explain the situation, but something tells me that it would’ve come across as kind of skeezy. So I just texted back “Dancing!” i.e. to suggest that maybe we’d go dancing after drinks. It apparently worked, as the conversation picked up fine from there.

Thing is, the place we’re going doesn’t have dancing. When I see her, should I come up with a plausible idea of somewhere to go dancing, just pretend I never mentioned dancing, or fess up? |Age: 43

*Post title comes from the brilliant comic Jim Norton of the Opie & Anthony radio show

Don’t fess up. That’s would be a huge mistake. You could have a back up plan in place to take her dancing should she ask. Hopefully, she’ll be content with just hanging out over drinks. If she asks, you can say you had believed the spot you chose had a cool DJ. Your bad. Whatever.

There’s nothing wrong with juggling. However, common sense would tell you not to text multiple women at the same time.  That’s just opening yourself up to possible drama.

What you should know, however, is that people – men and women – are becoming hip to certain tricks and tactics purported via cell phone. Such as:

1. The Mass Text - Have you ever received a text from someone, sort of out of the blue, that read something like, “Hey…how are you?” or “Hey, long time not talk. What’s up?”  Too often, those texts are sent out to multiple people at the same time. The sender is basically looking for someone to hang out or hook up with. Whomever is available will get his attention. If you reply back and eventually share that you have plans that night or at that moment, don’t be surprised if the sender stops replying. If they do, that’s the biggest sign of all it was a mass text. That and the fact that they don’t address you by name or saying anything remotely personal in the first message.

2. The SIM Card Switch - Oh yeah. Buckle up for this one. Some people, usually those actively cheating, will buy a second phone just for the SIM card. On one phone  – the good boy phone – is their texts and contacts for their family and friends. On the other – the naughty boy phone – are sexts, messages, and numbers of the people with whom they are cheating. They switch out the SIM cards so that no second phone is found, and to prevent any of their secrets being revealed should their partner snoop.  I’m telling you, people, We’re wising up to snoopers! People are changing passwords regularly and know to delete texts and emails.

3. Cell Phone Look Up - Don’t kid yourself in to thinking you can call a number you found in your mate’s phone and not be found out. There are services out there where you can put in a cell phone number, pay a tiny fee, and get the name of the person who owns that number.  Not only that, but thanks to Google, all someone has to do is enter in the phone number of the caller and get the name of a company, should you try to be stealth and call from work. Online daters have become hip to this as well.People are now setting up anonymous emails that can not be traced back to their name and not giving out their cell phone number until after they meet someone.  Or they’re setting up a completely different number that can’t be traced back to them in order to communicate via text, like Google Talk. Of course, both of these have to be changed every couple of months in case people start Googling your name along with your number, once they learn it.And, as I recently learned, if your phone number is listed on your Facebook page, and someone import their Facebook contacts to their phone, your name will come up on the caller ID along with Twitter handles, email addresses, etc.

I don’t consider it a red flag if, before you meet, someone doesn’t give you a personal email address or phone number. People are becoming more and more cautious about revealing real identities due to the popularity of social networks. But if they continue to contact you via the dating site after you’ve met and ignore your requests to take things off that site, be wary. I can remember going out with a guy who shared that he only accessed his account via his phone. He also never would email me from a regular email address. We initially communicated via text, but after about 2 weeks he said it was best to contact him via the site. Red effing flag. Sure enough, I learned on the third date that he had been dating someone for a few months “but they weren’t exclusive.” My guess is she was out of town or not around during those two weeks we’d been texting. He didn’t want me to text because he didn’t want the text alarm to sound when he was with her, arousing her suspicion. He kept no trace of his online dating activity on his home computer so as to avoid being discovered should she ever look at his cache history or snoop.

D, keep your texting to one person at a time. And be sure to delete all your texts :)

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Cheating, Dating, Latests Posts, Online Dating, Snooping, Social Media, Texting Tagged With: , , , , ,

Human Nature

August 16, 2011 by 74 Comments

Name: Nash |  | Location: Toronto , Ontario, Canada |Question: Hi Moxie,

Long time reader and first time sending you a question. Love your no-nonsense feedback and often too frank approach and I think this kind of reality check is just what the doctor ordered.

I’m a 43yo guy and I’ve been dating this woman for about a yr now. I love HR to death and to be honest I’m not sure if the problem lies with me and underscores some insecurities I may have or if this is the norm with women.

My girlfriend is about to move in with me. We’ve been planning and talking about this for a while and it’s finally happening. I’m pretty excited about that!!

My concern is that I’ve read some of her text messages (I know, I know…crucify the bad guy now) and while she tells me she does not have any unresolved feelings for any of her exes, I found 2 of them that she has been pretty open and saying that she still longs for them sexually. I’m a pretty open minded guy but I also have old fashioned values and I find this very offensive. Am I just kidding myself and worried for nothing since she assures me that I’ve nothing to worry about? Do women text their exes like this a lot? It seems like she’s always checking out the grass on the other side and can’t help but feel like she’ll bail of she finds serving that seems better.

Am I crazy or do you and/or your readers think that this is totally inappropriate?

Appreciate your insights on this. |Age: 43

 

Love your no-nonsense feedback and often too frank approach and I think this kind of reality check is just what the doctor ordered.

I hate statements like this. You know why? Because I highly doubt the same words would be used to describe a man. I never hear a man referred to as “no nonsense.” It’s as if, just because I’m a woman, I’m expected to have this softer tone and approach. So anything that doesn’t come across as coddling is branded “harsh” or “brutal.”  I keep seeing all these dating advice blogs pop up, mostly written by women, and they all seem very quick to point out that they’re advice is “no nonsense.” Don’t do that to yourselves.  Don’t feed in to that. No man would justify his opinions with a warning label. They just wouldn’t. You want to be honest, be honest. You shouldn’t ever try to sound abrasive or offensive just to get tongues wagging. But you also shouldn’t assign yourself certain descriptors that are really just back handed compliments applied to women who speak their mind. Too frank, my ass.

Moving on.

My girlfriend is about to move in with me. We’ve been planning and talking about this for a while and it’s finally happening. I’m pretty excited about that!!

Not buying it. You’re over selling it. In fact, I think the whole reason you snooped is because you were hoping to find something so you’d have an excuse to slow things down.

My concern is that I’ve read some of her text messages (I know, I know…crucify the bad guy now)

Don’t hang your head and offer some cutesy “aw, shucks” like some puppy that just piddled on the rug. You don’t feel bad for what you did. You’re making light of it.Another reason why I don’t think you’re nearly as offended as you’re claiming to be. You just found yourself a reprieve.

while she tells me she does not have any unresolved feelings for any of her exes, I found 2 of them that she has been pretty open and saying that she still longs for them sexually. I’m a pretty open minded guy but I also have old fashioned values and I find this very offensive.

Really? Do you watch porn? When you jerk off, do you think about other women besides your girlfriend? Is that offensive? Granted, it’s not totally the same thing. But sending erotic text messages is a far cry from sleeping with someone else. Why would you be offended at the idea that your girlfriend fantasizes about other men? Do you honestly believe that when we’re lying there beneath you, we’re always thinking about you?  I can’t tell you how many times thoughts of Jeremy Renner have topped me off. Or an ex. There are people – men and women – out there who engage in this kind of activity with absolutely no plan of ever acting on it. It’s all about intention. This is where communication is key and why couples need to check in with each other and put their egos aside.

There’s been a lot of talk here about what turns a woman on and how women are more emotional and therefore cheat less or for different reasons.  All this stereotyping is encouraging the wrong expectations. Like how, as long as your showering a woman with attention and affection and offer her the idea of security, she won’t stray. That all we need to stay faithful is a ring or our name on a lease.

Women have a lot of the same impulses and desires and fantasies as men. Women have sex for many of the same reason men have sex, and it has nothing to do with wanting an emotional connection or to feel safe. I think a lot of men are choosing to ignore that and sticking their heads in the sand because the truth scares them too much. Yes, guys, keeping us satisfied has gotten more difficult.

Am I just kidding myself and worried for nothing since she assures me that I’ve nothing to worry about? Do women text their exes like this a lot? It seems like she’s always checking out the grass on the other side and can’t help but feel like she’ll bail of she finds serving that seems better.

Well, you were worried before you snooped. That’s why you snooped. But were you really worried? Or was that just your cover? People are going to flame me for my response here, but it doesn’t sound to me like you’re ready for this next step. I think you were looking for something, a reason, to put on the brakes. There appears to be reservations on both sides. I think what concerns me most is how you seem to be surprised that a woman is behaving in a way that is generally considered to be male behavior. The statement implies that you know and accept that men do it. So why are you so surprised that a woman might, too?

Rarely is our behavior ever motivated by one thing. It’s not that simple. There are always secondary motives driving our actions and decisions. Could she be texting her exes for the vicarious thrill? Sure. But my guess is there is more to it. Just like I think there’s more to your snooping than just a nagging gut feeling. You two both need to have a..heh…frank and no nonsense discussion about how you really feel about taking this next step. The texting and the snooping are merely symptoms of deeper issues.

And you know what? It’s okay to be afraid or worried or want to change the pace of a relationship. It’s actually quite normal. What you want to avoid is moving forward with something because you think you’re supposed to as opposed to genuinely wanting to.

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Filed Under: Cheating, Dating, Gender Roles, Latests Posts, Red Flags, Sex, Snooping, Texting

Extra-Curricular Intimacy

August 10, 2011 by 67 Comments

Name: Single and Confused |  | Location: San Jose , CA |Question: Hi Moxie,

I am recently dating this very wonderful man. He’s a single father with one child in his early 40s, I’m in my early 30s. Single, never been married and no kids. My issue is, he tells me everyday how dearly he loves me and will not want to be away from me. I soon come to find out that he’s been exchanging flirtatious messages with his friend (who I have met) and she is married. I don’t know how to feel/react since I got the information through secretly checking his phone. CRAP!

BF’s done pretty well for himself, pays alimony to the ex-wife and sends his child to private school. He’s been divorced for over 5 years now and we have been dating for 8 months. During his downtime post divorce, he kept himself busy by being active in his son’s school (coaching, PTA, etc). Obviously, he’s met and kept a few friends (just a few stayed on his side) who’s known him since he was married. One of them is Mrs. Z. Mrs. Z is married, has one child who is very good friends with his son and she is, excuse my language.. yes..smoking hot. Mr. and Mrs. Z would go on summer trips with BF and son and the most recent one was this month, for a weekend. Sadly, I was not invited. We had an argument as to why I did not get invited, when I have already met and have been hanging out with him and his son. It is not like it will be an awkward situation since he himself told me that his son genuinely likes me. Long story short, it became a huge argument and I knew I had to stop because there is no way that the plans will change.  During the trip he was sending me text messages, calling, letting me know that he misses me terribly. Upon his return, the first thing he said was that I will now ALWAYS be invited to out of town trips with his son and I have the right to first refusal. It made me feel better. It was not like I sulked around when they were gone.

I have a very good set of friends and I believe I’m pretty level headed when it comes to certain things so I kept myself busy.  I let it go and was just glad to know that he missed me and he looks forward to trips with me included.

Now, this is my mistake. I found through his phone (we both share our passwords) that Mrs. Z and Mr. Z have some marital issues. In fact, Mr. Z was actually not even planning on joining the summer trip, until the last minute. To which my BF’s reaction over text was “HUH???” In the series of text messages between BF and Mrs. Z, my boyfriend would always say “I hope he is not mad at me, since I do not want any drama in my life.” He has mentioned me to her a few times; however, there was an instance when they went out to play golf and she had asked if he told me about it. He said no (he told me he was meeting her for drinks only) and she said she did not tell her husband either. A week before their trip, she changed her profile picture in a social networking site to show her smoking hot body (back view showing her bikini) and he sent a text message to her saying,  “I saw the profile pic, you are so HOT! One week to the trip!”

At this point, I know I should have stopped reading the texts. I don’t know what to do. They are still friends and there’s going to be a time in the future when all of us will be hanging out together. They went out to drinks recently and she sent him a text message saying something like, “Baby, I am so happy that you joined me for drinks.” To which he responded, “Thank you for inviting me :) .” Again, a few messages from her venting about her husband and BF would say I hope it’s not about me.

I feel like something had happened to them previously (pre-ME) and perhaps the flirting continues when it can. I have seen her flirt with other men when all of us would hang out. It’s just now dawning on me, since I thought it was kind of inappropriate at that time, but who was I to say something. I gave her the benefit of the doubt, knowing she’s married and they have been friends before he started dating me. What should I do? I love him. I can’t imagine not being with him. Although I know, I could not make him choose friends over me, it just does not seem mature and logical. Please help? Am I missing something or overreacting?
xo
Single and confused Thanks. |Age: 34

 

BF’s done pretty well for himself,

Question: If the “BF” didn’t do so well for himself, would you even be questioning what to do?

We had an argument as to why I did not get invited, when I have already met and have been hanging out with him and his son. It is not like it will be an awkward situation since he himself told me that his son genuinely likes me. Long story short, it became a huge argument and I knew I had to stop because there is no way that the plans will change.

You weren’t invited because he – your boyfriend – didn’t want you there.

There’s obviously something going on between these two. Could be  casual flirtation, could be a full blown affair. Whatever it is, it’s being done behind your back. And, in some cases, right under your nose.Please share with us all the ways this man is “wonderful” as I’m not getting that impression.

Right now you’re stuck between copping to snooping and staying in a duplicitous relationships. And yet, oddly, it sounds like you’d rather stay in the relationship than reveal the fact that you snooped.

You have  a choice. You can live your life always checking up on him and monitoring both his and her social networking activity. Or you could tell him what you found and get answers. Yes, you could lose him. But, really, what is there to lose? Your “BF” is fostering some kind of extra-curricular relationship with a woman who is married. A woman who is the mother of one of his son’s friends. So, not only is he willing to jeopardize his relationship with you, but her relationship with her husband and his relationship with his son.

I will ask you again what exactly you are clinging to so desperately? Because this guy sounds like a douche who trips over himself because a hot woman is paying him attention.

At the very least, there’s a level of intimacy between these two. Or, at least, she’s letting him think there is. It’s quite possible she’s just turning to him during this down turn in her marriage. You could be right in that she’s just looking for attention. Maybe absolutely nothing has gone on that crosses the line. The problem here, for me, is the presumed intimacy and dependance. Could be that he’s being sucked in to her game. Maybe he’s her air bag for when her relationship eventually ends. I don’t know. She’s leaning on him and they’re spending time together without their respective partners. That’s a disaster waiting to happen. That familiarity, the use of “Baby,” the emotional support…that’s supposed to be for you. That he’s giving that to someone else…that’s a sign that there’s possible a breakdown in the relationship he has with you.

You’re doing what so many of us do. You’re listening to his words and ignoring his actions because you don’t want to face the truth. That’s pretty much all this man seems to provide for you. Words and empty promises. You have evidence that he has some form of interest in someone else. Granted it was fruit of the poisonous tree, so you aren’t without your own issues and blemishes. But you’re not leading this man to believe something that might not be true. But your relationship is in peril. Question is do you try to save it by having an honest conversation or do you walk? If you’re not willing to have that conversation, then I have to question your own commitment to the relationship.

You appear to have what I call a relationship ” in theory.” It looks like a relationship. You do relationship-y things. But the true emotional commitment seems to be lacking. On both ends.

You have to speak up and say something to him. But given the other ties between them, meaning their kids, I doubt he’s going to be able to cut this woman off cold turkey. This woman is always going to be in the picture.

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Filed Under: Dating, Intimacy, Latests Posts, Snooping

She Snooped….Now What?

July 31, 2011 by 13 Comments

Name: birdie | | Location: New York , NY |Question: Here is the back story:
I traveled around Europe after getting laid off and met up with a childhood friend who was nothing more than that: a friend. He was going through a divorce so things were tough emotionally for him. We slept together during my trip then I went back home to reality. He continuously emailed me saying he cared about me and couldn’t believe how hard it was to see me go and then tells me he loves me 2 weeks later. Long story short, I moved to be with him and snooped more out of curiosity than suspicion. I sought and found he was talking to 2 other people with the same intensity … all that was different was the name to whom it was written. Several months later (not knowing that info at the time), I’m here and things are good and he hasn’t reconnected with the other people as far as I know.

Question is: Can I trust him going forward? He never gave me any reason to doubt his loyalty. He always tells me he loves me and that I’m his life and he wants to marry and have kids with me someday.  I never admitted to snooping but when I test him with questions I know the answer to, he lies to me. Is he doing that purely to protect me and for fear of losing me? He makes me feel like I’m the one who’s crazy sometimes when he’s the one who did wrong. |Age: 29

 

I’m not sure you really have a reason not to trust him. Sure, it would be nice if the words he said to you were to you and only you and that you were the only one on the roster but…how realistic is that? He was engaging multiple women at once. We’re you even exclusive at the time he was sending these emails? If you were, then I understand your concern. But if you weren’t, then the only thing he’s guilty of is keeping his options open. Don’t we all do that from time to time?

You can’t set someone up and then be surprised when they lie. Depending on the question, what did you think he would say? Did you think he would break down and tell you that he was hedging his bets all along? Who would admit to that?

You want him to be honest, yet you’re not being honest about what you did. Don’t you think that’s being a little hypocritical? Why aren’t you being honest? Because you’d lose him. Isn’t it possible that that’s the very reason why he’s not being honest? Isn’t that a possible sign of how much he cares versus he’s untrustworthy?

I’ll admit that there are definitely some red flags here. I’m getting a distinct “I can’t be alone” vibe from him. I don’t know why. I just do. I’m not crazy about situations where one party is expressing deep or intense sentiments early on in the relationship. To me, that feels inauthentic. Could this be a situation where he put the hook out and just reeled in whatever fish to the bait? Absolutely. But…how is that different than most other dating situations? What I mean by that is that someone dating multiple people, with no explicit exclusivity decided, whispering sweet nothings to them isn’t exactly rare or a crime.

I think what really has you concerned is whether or not this man actually wanted to be with you or if he’s just wants a girlfriend. So I think that’s what you have to determine, and the only way to do that is to talk to him.

How can you trust him? I can’t believe I’m going to suggest this, because normally I wouldn’t. But I think the only way you will know where you stand is if you tell this man what you did. You are not going to be able to put this behind you. You’re always going to want to know what those emails and his exchanges with those women were about and if they meant anything to him.

But before you do this:

Something drove you to snoop. What was it? You say it was more out of curiosity than suspicion.  I think curiosity is just the gateway to suspicion. From what you say, there seems to have been a pre-existing level of unsuredness and insecurity surrounding this relationship and this man. We’ve talked before about treating the cause versus just treating the symptom. Determining why you snooped in the first place will bring you closer to treating the cause of your suspicion. If you don’t, then there will just be something else that pops up that will make you insecure. Hopefully you can figure out what the trigger was and can deal with that and you’ll never have to tell this man what you did. But if you can’t do that, then I think you’re only recourse is to tell this man what you did. It could severely set your relationship back, of course. But if he loves you the way he says he does, he’ll get past it.

The shoe will be on the other foot, though. You’re sitting there worried about whether or not you can trust him…and you’re the one who violated his trust and privacy by snooping. So ask yourself if what he may or may not have done any worse than what you did. Maybe you can decide to wipe the slate clean for both of you and simply start fresh without ever having to bring this up.

 

Let’s do  poll…

 

Could You Forgive Someone Who Snooped?

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Trust, Latests Posts, Snooping Tagged With: , , , ,