City: New York City
Comment: My divorce became final a few months and I’d like to start dating again. Since I would like to have biological children I prefer to date women between who are early to mid thirties. I’m upfront about this in my OK Cupid profile but find I am not getting the results that I want. I mainly hear from women late thirties and older. Many of them are divorced women with children of their own. I’d prefer to have my own children before becoming a parent to another person’s child. How do I increase my chances of meeting someone in my desired age range who also wants to have children?
I think you need to start by being more realistic. While 43 certainly isn’t old, a woman of 30-35 can easily find a man closer to her own age. The early thirties woman might casually date you. I’m not sure you’ll find many that are crazy about having kids with a guy who will be a first time Dad at 45 or even older. Also working against you is the fact that you’re newly divorced. A lot of women will hear that and be skeptical that you’re actually ready to date again or in a rush to knock them up. I would suggest not mentioning how recent your divorce is in your profile. If a woman asks, then you can say within the last year until you get to know her better. Then you can tell her the truth. If, in your profile, you reveal your intention of meeting someone with whom you’d like to have children, take that out as well. That makes you sound like you have a biological clock ticking very loudly, and that ain’t sexy. No woman likes to be thought of as just a baby making machine. Whenever I see a profile of a man in his forties who says he still wants children, I pass. I question the judgment and perspective of someone 40+ and above who hasn’t let go of that particular expectation. That’s not realistic, and that’s a sign of other possible difficulties.
If having children is a priority for you then you really should be focusing on the women in their late thirties. Yes, I know, they’re in their late thirties. But Brian….you’re almost in your mid-forties. Time to face some hard reality. First, you are less attractive to many women 10 years younger than you. You just are. Put you next to a 35 year old and a woman is probably going to choose the 35 year old. Regardless of how potent you think your sperm is, the fact still remains that you’re still getting up there.You might be extremely fit and active, but you’d still be 8-12 years older than the women you wish to date. They don’t have to date someone your age. It’s possible that your desire to have children will go unfulfilled. Especially if you cut off women “of a certain age” because you insist upon dating younger. Blah blah blah biological imperative. I can hear some of the male commenters now.
I think you’d have a much better chance of having your own children if you broadened your horizons a bit. As we’ve said before, the people who are contacting you online are the ones looking for someone like you. Don’t fritter away your time and energy by chasing a dream because you still feel you deserve or are entitled to something else. That’s how people get burnt out on online dating.
There just comes a point in everybody’s life when they have to accept that certain goals or wishes are out of their reach. And some people are just out of our league. They just are. As brutal as this might sound, men and women in their late thirties and older need to stop looking for the needle in the haystack and start getting real about their options. Marriage and kids might not happen. You might not get that bright and shiny new car relationship. There might be a lot of mileage or a few dents. That just comes with the territory as we grow older. Banging your head against the wall and rejecting people for not being exactly what you want isn’t going to get you closer to your goal. The reality is that you’re probably a little banged up, too. You can’t date for as long as we have and not be.