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Should He Let Go of His Desire To Have Kids?

March 27, 2013 by 42 Comments

Name: Brian
City: New York City
State: NY
Comment: My divorce became final a few months and I’d like to start dating again. Since I would like to have biological children I prefer to date women between who are early to mid thirties. I’m upfront about this in my OK Cupid profile but find I am not getting the results that I want. I mainly hear from women late thirties and older.  Many of them are divorced women with children of their own. I’d prefer to have my own children before becoming a parent to another person’s child. How do I increase my chances of meeting someone in my desired age range who also wants to have children?
Age: 43

 

I think you need to start by being more realistic. While 43 certainly isn’t old, a woman of 30-35 can easily find a man closer to her own age. The early thirties woman might casually date you. I’m not sure you’ll find many that are crazy about having kids with a guy who will be a first time Dad at 45 or even older. Also working against you is the fact that you’re newly divorced. A lot of women will hear that and be skeptical that you’re actually ready to date again or in a rush to knock them up. I would suggest not mentioning how recent your divorce is in your profile. If a woman asks, then you can say within the last year until you get to know her better. Then you can tell her the truth. If, in your profile, you reveal your intention of meeting someone with whom you’d like to have children, take that out as well. That makes you sound like you have a biological clock ticking very loudly, and that ain’t sexy. No woman likes to be thought of as just a baby making machine. Whenever I see a profile of a man in his forties who says he still wants children, I pass.  I question the judgment and perspective of someone 40+ and above who hasn’t let go of that particular expectation. That’s not realistic, and that’s a sign of other possible difficulties.

If having children is a priority for you then you really should be focusing on the women in their late thirties. Yes, I know, they’re in their late thirties. But Brian….you’re almost in your mid-forties. Time to face some hard reality. First, you are less attractive to many women 10 years younger than you. You just are.  Put you next to a 35 year old and a woman is probably going to choose the 35 year old. Regardless of how potent you think your sperm is, the fact still remains that you’re still getting up there.You might be extremely fit and active, but you’d still be 8-12 years older than the women you wish to date. They don’t have to date someone your age. It’s possible that your desire to have children will go unfulfilled. Especially if you cut off women “of a certain age” because you insist upon dating younger. Blah blah blah biological imperative. I can hear some of the male commenters now.

I think you’d have a much better chance of having your own children if you broadened your horizons a bit. As we’ve said before, the people who are contacting you online are the ones looking for someone like you. Don’t fritter away your time and energy by chasing a dream because you still feel you deserve or are entitled to something else. That’s how people get burnt out on online dating.

There just comes a point in everybody’s life when they have to accept that certain goals or wishes are out of their reach.  And some people are just out of our league. They just are. As brutal as this might sound, men and women in their late thirties and older need to stop looking for the needle in the haystack and start getting real about their options. Marriage and kids  might not happen. You might not get that bright and shiny new car relationship. There might be a lot of mileage or a few dents. That just comes with the  territory as we grow older. Banging your head against the wall and rejecting people for not being exactly what you want isn’t going to get you closer to your goal. The reality is that you’re probably a little banged up, too. You can’t date for as long as we have and not be.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Meeting Women, Moxie 101, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Social Rules of Dating, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How Open Minded Are You?

March 20, 2013 by 32 Comments

Name: Amanda
Age: 45
City: Hicksville
State: NY
Comment: Dear Moxie:  I went out with this guy and we hit it off great, he is 41 I am 45.  During the course of the night we had a conversation about piercings and tattoo’s.  I have none but he has nipple rings.  I was immediately turned off, I mean turned off to the point that my stomach turned when I thought about touching them or even kissing his chest.  I guess my question is what do other women think of nipple rings on guys or any other piercings on guys outside of ears? Am I strange to have such a strong reaction to this?

 

 

I think what might really be bothering you is that you’re intimidated by what those piercings might represent. Maybe you’re making assumptions about his past or even his sexual proclivities and that’s what has you bugged out?

People make a lot of assumptions when they see men or women with any kind of visible expression of their personalities. That includes dyed or shaved hair, tattoos, certain styles of dress, etc. All kinds of judgments are formed by people about who that person is and what they’ve done and how they live their lives.

I was talking with a girlfriend the other day about how even people with curly hair are looked at as “weird” or “different.” People don’t get it. I’ve had so many people tell me to straighten my hair and wear it straight “because men prefer straight hair.” I have no doubt that that is true. Unfortunately, like I said in another post from tonight, I simply do not have the time to blow out my hair all the time. Plus I hate the damage that is being done to my already coarse hair. The Keratin process I has softened my hair and made it smoother, which helps. I’m sure the dryness of it makes people think it is poorly cared for. Which isn’t true, but that’s one of those judgments that people make. I nearly walked out on my hair stylist a couple of weeks ago during my monthly trim when she started commenting on how dry my hair was and then started pushing the $40 oils and conditioners on me. Uh, no. You’re not going to shame me into giving you a commission.

In any case, there are things about people that create impressions and opinions in the minds of others.

My personal opinion, Amanda, is that you’re formulating a back story for this guy based on his decision to pierce his nipples. He could have done that at 25 for all you know. Why don’t you ask him what inspired him to get them pierced? I bet you’d learn a lot about him by hearing that story. Often times people do something “severe” to their looks/body as a result of a life experience. I got my tattoo a few years back because I had been having a medical issue that had me fearing something was very, very wrong. Once I learned everything was fine, I decided to finally get the tattoo I had always wanted. I wear my hair curly because people tell me I look like my Mom or Dad more when I do. I like having that connection, especially now. I also feel like my features are better suited for curly hair and it suits my personality.

Rather than judge someone for something that, let’s face it, is fairly innocuous why not just use it as a conversation starter? Like I said, I think you’re somehow intimidated by this guy and worry that maybe he expects or is used to something you’re not sure you can deliver.

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Filed Under: Dating, Social Rules of Dating, Standards & Preferences Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

How Long Should You Wait For The Second Date?

March 17, 2013 by 65 Comments

Name: Scott
Age: 30
City: New York
State: NY
Comment: So I’ve decided to get back on the sauce and once again use a fairly popular, well-known internet dating website that’s free…Yes, I’ve been going out with a few women, with mixed success, and thankfully enjoying the experience for the most part without getting too exhausted and/or frustrated.

Last night, I was pleasantly surprised to have a first date which I initially thought wouldn’t go anywhere turn out to be excellent…instead of having the typical one round of drinks and calling it a night, we ended up having four rounds, and our conversation flowed smoothly as we opened up and got to know one another…as I got the sense that she was enjoying my company and somewhat into me, just as I was into her, I asked her if she would be interested in seeing me again.  I’m in my 30’s now; I’m not into the dating games and am fairly clear with my intentions, and she was in her mid-20’s and respected the fact that I’m a bit older and have my act together (for the most part).   She seemed receptive to getting together again, and I suggested getting together the upcoming weekend – we went out on a Wednesday night, so it seemed like an appropriate amount of time.

When she indicated the weekend was not looking good, I suggested the following week, and she seemed hesitant, and said she was pretty booked.  Now, I understand how someone can easily book 7 dates for each night of the week, and I’m not implying that she did that.  When she suggested that we meet a week and a half later, I mentioned something like, “I’m going to have to wait a week and a half to see you again?”  Keep in mind as well that she’s relatively new to the site, having signed up about a month ago, but she was the one who initially contacted me on the site.  After my comment, she checked her schedule again and she realized she was free on Tuesday, so we agreed on getting dinner that night.

However, I’m wondering what your thoughts are with respect to waiting too long for that second date…If she were to make me wait, let’s say a week and a half, when there was no discernible excuse like going out of town, studying for a test, etc. etc., then would that be too long to wait and a sign that she wasn’t really into me, as I had thought?  Do you think my comment about waiting a week and a half compelled her to “free” up a night, because she sensed I would lose interest?  What’s your take?

I generally feel like after a successful first date, barring any exigent circumstances, i.e. catering to out of town guests, out of town trips, heavy work loads, etc., you shouldn’t have to wait more than a week to see someone you’re interested in.   What say you?

 

My take is that she’s new to the site and probably, since she’s in her mid twenties, getting a lot of offers. I don’t think she’s any more interested in you than she would be any other guy she met on there.

Here’s the thing: when a woman is into a guy, she finds excuses to free her schedule. That’s it. She doesn’t tell a man she’s booked. That is, unless she’s trying to play hard to get and/or not terribly interested. She could have been trying to seem aloof and like she has options. I tend to think that women like this are more invested in the chase and the attention than anything else. Either way, her response doesn’t bode well for you.

I’m not sure if all of this back and forth happened the same night of your first date or what. If so, yikes. You came on pretty strong. If this whole conversation happened while you two were face to face after that first date, I’m thinking she felt kind of awkward and uncomfortable. If that’s the case, she might have agreed to see you Tuesday just to get away from you and planned on cancelling once she got home.

In the future, when a woman says she’s booked, just reply back and say, “No problem. Get back to me when you know your schedule.”  Don’t offer commentary like, “I have to wait a week and a half to see you again?” It just makes you seem overly invested and aggressive given you only had one date. Not only that but you really shouldn’t have to convince someone to want to see you again. That, too, is a bad sign. My guess is she wasn’t 100% psyched to go out with you again, was trying politely to get out of it, and you pushed a bit. That or her plans cancelled and she had nothing to do so she figured, “Why not?” I wouldn’t be surprised if you followed in the comments and told me that she cancelled on you. Like I said, if we like you, we make time for you. If she had been on the same page as you you wouldn’t have sensed hesitation. You would have sensed antici….pation. (Rocky Horror reference!)

I think a lapse of a week and a half after the first date ruins the momentum. There’s too much time between meetings for things to develop naturally. You want to be able to build on whatever attraction and compatibility is present in person, and rather soon. Suggesting to a date that you and they should get together again over the weekend following the first date sounds reasonable to me. I used to think that suggesting a second date within the next 2 or 3 days after the first date was too much, but that’s changed. Time is of the essence. If the connection and attraction is there, go for it. Within reason, of course. Don’t become all clingy and barrage them with texts, don’t suggest a date the next night,but do something to let your interest be known.

What was considered “too available” a few years ago doesn’t necessarily stand now because of how intense and fast the process of meeting and connecting has become.

Now, to touch on your distinction that she messaged you first and therefore that is an indicator of her interest level. You’re rationalizing. The online experience and the offline experience are two separate animals. Your profile is a one dimensional representation of who you are and nothing more. She probably sent a few messages to different men. I can assure you that her investment level was minimal, as it should be since she hadn’t even met you yet.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Rejection, Social Rules of Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

The Dating Games Are Over, Folks

March 6, 2013 by 19 Comments

Name: J
Comment: Hey Moxie,

I think I already know your thoughts on the subject, but I’ve been having a rather heated debate with friends recently and it seems we’re largely undecided when all opinions are weighed.  Since we can’t come to an agreement, I thought I’d pass the topic on to you for consideration.

Here’s the issue: Early on in a relationship, it seems you have a choice to either be “available and interested” or “reserved and coy” (people are obviously capable of falling anywhere in between but we’ll pretend they’re not for the sake of discussion).  Conventional wisdom tells you that you need to move “slowly” and not let people into your life so easily to avoid getting hurt, but myself (and a few of my friends) reject that wisdom in the name of good faith toward good people.  We believe that all relationships should start out on equal footing, and deliberately making yourself unavailable (by waiting to respond to txts/calls/emails or artificially filling your calendar) is a terrible way to achieve any kind of a meaningful partnership.  We tend toward doing the opposite in fact: breaking plans to make way for the new person, readily corresponding, and including them in our interests.

I consider all of my friends to be “good people” so from that small sample size, it appears that people worth dating live in both camps.  We’ve agreed to disagree on which method is “better” but one thing we can both agree on is this: it’s tragically frustrating when you meet someone (for dating) who’s in the opposite camp.  The values clash like titans on the battlefield and at least one person almost always ends up terribly confused (if not hurt).

So, what’s the method-of-choice?
Age: 28
City: Seattle
State: WA

 

As I’ve said many times now, the dating process has become more intensified. Ten years ago people could get away with saying they didn’t get a voicemail or haven’t had the time to reply to an email. Two to three days between phone calls was plausible. Now? Nope. Not having it. If someone allows for 24 hours to go by before responding to any email, they are not available or not interested. Game over.

Meeting people and forming connections has become too easy now. People no longer have to go out to get dates. All of it can be done while lying in bed and scrolling through various social media apps on your phone.

The days of waiting three days to call or not answering the first time someone rings you up are gone. In fact, all the staple dating rules that people yammer on and on about on the Interwebs are a thing of the past. Honest to God, my eyes gloss over every time I see a new blog post about how long a woman should wait to have sex or how a guy can “create mystery” or use “charisma” to meet women. All of it is dreck, written by people who haven’t a freakin’ clue what it’s actually like to date in today’s digital world. I read chat transcripts and blog posts and honestly feel like I’m sitting around a lunch table in the cafeteria in my high school. You have a bunch of women trying to out do each other in terms of how much attention they get from men and you have a bunch of feeble white knight-ish guys telling these women how awesome they are. It’s all awful and should be ignored, blocked, muted and avoided.

If you’re interested in somebody, you need to communicate that. Pronto. You needn’t be anxious or aggressive about it. All you need to do is state your intentions. No more multiple days worth of email messages. No more counting dates until you reach some imaginary number that will spare you the “slut” label. Now is the time to just act on your feelings while practicing common sense and critical thinking. Be smart, but be proactive. We are all replaceable, more so now than ever before. We are functioning in a semi-detached society. Not replying to an email on Match.com is the norm. People break up via text message. I hate to say this so bluntly, as it makes it sound somewhat hopeless, but we just can’t get as invested in all of this as easily and quickly as we used to.

Anybody who makes you wait for a response in some way simply isn’t interested enough to make it worth your effort. While it’s always prudent to give someone breathing room, a person needs to make their interest known as quickly as they can. If someone feels like they have to wait or delay the process, consider them questionable. I don’t believe this excuse that people do this to protect themselves. I believe people who use this excuse are just ambivalent about dating in general or seeking attention. The men or women who genuinely want to meet someone will react in kind and return the effort. It’s that simple.

There’s no such thing as “taking it slow” anymore. Any time a person says they need to “take it slow” they’re either communicating that they’re not that interested or not capable of having a relationship at that point. “Take it slow” is an acceptable way to say, “I need you to complete a series of tests before I will return the effort or interest.” That’s it. It’s a ruse.

No more over-thinking everything. Now is the time to act. No response from them?  Move on.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Date Outside Your Means, Dating, Dating 2.0, Social Rules of Dating, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Dealing With The Passive Aggressive Email Dater

February 13, 2013 by 36 Comments

 

When is it okay to say something about how long it takes for a guy to respond to a text or email? I’ve been out with the guy in question twice. He sometimes takes a whole day (as in 24 hrs) to reply to emails. – Georgia, 38, NYC

 

I’d need a little more to go on here. In general, I find a long lapse in response to an email to be a not so good sign. There’s just no excuse for someone to not be able to reply to a message within a few hours at least. I can’t stand when people say that they’re “so busy!” and that’s why they haven’t sent a response. Orly? That busy? Wow. You’re so important! I’ll just sit here eagerly awaiting your response while you carve out the 38 seconds it would take to write a reply.

There’s usually an underlying message to the lack of a message. They’re trying to tell you something without telling you while probably trying to maintain their image as a “good person.” They’re hoping you get the hint and go away quietly.

Passive aggression. I hate it. I hate it more than I hate Facebook status updates about what someone had for lunch.

The most frustrating part of being on the receiving end of that behavior is that if you speak up and say anything, it just gets worse. You become the “crazy” one. You’re not sympathetic to their situation. You’re selfish.

The lapse in response time and disappearing during a conversation is done to create a sense of urgency and incite confusion and insecurity. It’s often a power play, and it’s really, really destructive to someone’s self-esteem. It’s especially unhealthy if, like me, you’re confrontational. I only had to be involved with one passive aggressive guy to learn very quickly that a relationship with someone like that will not end well for me. It just becomes this ongoing pissing contest.

The true sign of passive aggression is that when a person is called on it they will respond with something particularly hurtful. The goal in such cases is to subdue you. You’re on to them, they know it, and now they feel trapped. Ignore whatever it is that they say. Remember, it’s said with the intention of slicing your psychological Achilles heel. They’ll identify your weakness and exploit it to your advantage. Especially if you’ve constructed a well informed argument. That’s why I hate to see you or anybody else put yourself in a vulnerable position so early in the game. Some things men and women just have to suck up for a bit until there’s a genuine comfort level.

My honest advice to you is to stop contacting this guy all together. By not replying in a timely fashion, he’s telling you where you fall on the priority list. That’s not to imply that you should be high a top the list after two dates. That’s an unreasonable expectation. However, if he was genuinely interested in keeping you around in some way he’d at least do I what I refer to as “investing.” Investing can take many forms. It can be the weekly text from someone you met online, sent “just to say hi”, but never leads to setting up an actual date. It can be a few word response to an email you sent. Investing involves making the bare minimum of effort just to maintain a line of communication and contact.

At best, I would think this guy is moderately interested. I’d suggest sitting back and waiting to see if he follows up with you at some point. In the interim, hop online or go out and meet other people.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating The Crazy, Servicey!, Social Rules of Dating, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Dear Single Ladies…Stop Being So Difficult

July 27, 2012 by 103 Comments

Name: Jose
Age: 46
State: NY
Question: I would like a woman’s perspective on this scenario. A woman contacted me on a dating website and we spoke on the phone after a couple of emails. She is 49 and never married. She lives in the Bronx and doesn’t have a car due to the availability of public transportation. I live in Westchester about 20 minutes away and do have a car.

The conversation of dating came up and she mentioned that the women these days make her look bad because they give it up so quickly.  She also mentioned the last guy she dated ended it after 3 dates because she didn’t have a car.

My male perspective on it is this; her 3 date guy did all the commuting, possibly all the paying of the dates and barely got a goodnight kiss after 3 dates. If he was on the verge of having things escalate more physically, he would have continued to date her regardless of her car-less lifestyle. But the physical part was probably not on the horizon. The excuse he gave was that he wanted her to have a car to be able to go to him sometimes when in all probabilty, he was invested way more than her without any kind of payoff.

Is she a time-waster? I can see this scenario playing out again and if I can learn from this other guy’s experience with her, it would save me a lot of time and expense (gas, bridge toll, drinks,etc). I am surprised she shared both of those tidbits of info. Its like she was saying “the guy has to come to me and we go out and he will have to do this for a while before he gets any action”.

And thats fine if thats the message. I understand that going in. But am I misinterpreting that message? Thats why I would like your opinion. I do have other ladies I am in contact with on same site so I do have other options.

 

The truth is that this woman hasn’t a clue why she is single. She’s told herself that it’s because she, unlike all those sluts out there, values herself more. She honestly believes that a man should hike all the way from Westchester or where ever just to spend time with her. She doesn’t feel the need to make any concessions. She’s not going to commute, she’s not going to date locally, and she certainly isn’t going to have sex. Sex, for her, is just a means t an end. Something she has to endure in order to keep a man. It’s certainly not for enjoyment or to feel closer to a guy. It’s a tool. That’s it.  Fun fact: People who actually enjoy sex have it. They don’t look for reasons to abstain.

She’s laying out her terms right upfront. “Don’t expect me to put out any time soon. You need to prove yourself to me.” Which clearly works since she’s 50 and alone. She has convinced herself that all men want is sex and that the problem is them, not her.

Yes, she’s a time waster. She truly believes that that guy ditched her after 3 dates because she didn’t have a car. Um, no. He got rid of her because he wasn’t getting a return on investment.

I am surprised she shared both of those tidbits of info. Its like she was saying “the guy has to come to me and we go out and he will have to do this for a while before he gets any action”.

I’m not surprised she told you these things. You are correct in your interpretation of her statements. She was telling you, before you even meet, what to expect from her. Which would be nothing. She might even be feeling a bit guilty or defensive, which could also explain her truthiness. She wanted you to validate her selective memory and reasoning.  That’s what your purpose is…to validate her choices and the fact that she’s 50 and single.If you chose to see her despite these revelations, then that meant you really liked her.  What women need to understand is that she might reveal to a guy that she attends furry conventions and eats melted cheese off a plate and he’ll still go out with her. As long as there is a chance he’ll get laid, he’s going in. Especially if the woman makes it a point to say that he won’t get laid. The gauntlet has been thrown. That’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull. (And I honestly believe that women like this know that, which is why they do it. They want the guy to try just so they can feel desired.)

People don’t end up 40 or 50 and never married by accident. They either chose that route or they continued repeating bad behavior without ever doing a little inventory and examining their choices and belief systems. If she were one of those women who genuinely chose to be single, then she’d probably be a little less rigid about things.The fact that she’s still clinging to stupid rules and has deluded herself into believing that she could be 50 and live in the Bronx and men would still schlep to date her tells me she’s single by circumstance, not choice.

I included the meme above because a friend created it for me when I told him a woman once asked for a refund for a speeddating event because we changed the venue. The new venue was on the same side of town as the old one and was maybe 15-20 blocks away. But she wanted a refund because she’d have to take an extra bus to get there. Oh. So, what would she do if she met a great guy and he lived in that neighborhood? What then? Ohhh. Right. He’s supposed to come to her. Good luck with that.

At a certain point, people need to dispose of the rigidity and rules. Sorry, kids. But once you hit your 40′s, you just don’t have a leg to stand on like you used to. People will tolerate a level of difficulty if there is a pay off of some kind, like you’re hot or rich or have a great apartment or are great in bed. But no matter how great you think you might be, once you hit your late thirties and older, there will always be someone hotter, richer, better in bed, etc..and younger.

Women like the one from this letter are all over Manhattan. You can spit in the blogosphere and read posts written by women just like this one. 32, 35, 37, 40, 43 and kvetching about their dates. Things will never change for them. They’re lost causes, desperately trying to re-write history. They, like the single woman in this letter, are time wasters.

Nobody likes the idea of “settling” or compromising. But that’s exactly what we need to do if, by a certain point, we haven’t found what we believe we are looking for. The rules and lists need to go and you need to be more flexible and accommodating. If you refuse, then you don’t really want a relationship. You just want to be right. And right you will be. In your mind, at least. You can skip around your apartment, by yourself, telling all your friends and followers and readers how “right” you are. If that sates you, then God bless ya.

But if you have to continuously remind everybody how right you are and how happy you are and how you’re soooooo much better than everybody else, that might be a sign that you’re not as happy being right as you think. Step aside, ladies. Because all those “sluts” out there?  The ones who happily plan the date and pay their way and put out? They’re taking your men.

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Filed Under: Book, Dating, First Impressions, Online Dating, Sex, Social Rules of Dating, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Date Multiple People With An Active Dating Profile?

July 15, 2012 by 7 Comments

Name: Scott
Age: 30
State: NY
Question: I’ve been out about 6 times with this girl I met through an internet dating website, and while I’m really enjoying my time spent with her and look forward to seeing her each time, I’ll still check the dating website for messages from other women.

I’ve paid up on this website up until September, but I’m wondering when is it the proper time to leave the website?

Part of me feels compelled to “get my money’s worth” by staying on the website until my membership expires, and by that point it’ll be the end of the summer, and both this current girl and I would know if we do have something worth pursuing.  What’s your take on the “appropriate” time to get off an internet dating website when you’ve met someone you’ve clicked with?

 

I think, once you’ve decided you’ve met someone that you like and wish to focus on that, you should take your profile down. I don’t think the decision should be based on anything but how you feel the relationship is progressing or not progressing. But then keep that move to yourself. I guarantee you that whomever you’re dating will notice eventually ans ask you about it.

Yeah, you shelled out XX amount of dollars for 6 months. But if you’ve met someone you really like, you know they’re going to be checking your profile to see if you’re logging on. So either hide your profile, disable it  or turn it off.  If the site offers an option to freeze a membership (and they should since the whole point of those sites is to meet someone) then utilize the feature. You’re just going to have to get over losing that money. People need to understand something before they pay for memberships to these sites. These websites don’t want you to find anybody. Those commercials about the engagements and marriages? Those are meant to rope you in.

The other reason that someone should take down their profile if they aren’t able to or intereste din dating multiple people is so that they don’t wast other people’s time. I can remember sending a guy an email on OKCupid. He replied back and said something like, “Thanks for the email but I only like to date one person at a time.” Jesus, bro. Slow down. I wasn’t asking you to move in. Maybe he wasn’t interested and that was his rather odd way of saying so. Or maybe he’s someone who only likes to date one person at a time. If that’s the case, then disable your profile while you do so. If you know you’re leaning towards going all in with someone, take down your profile. If you’re always afraid that you’re missing out on something, then you’re going to end up shooting yourself in the foot eventually. Oh, and you’re not ready for a relationship. That’s a big one, too.

I would actually love it if sites were to offer users the ability to hide their last logged in time and date.  That would alleviate so much unnecessary drama. Well, no. Let me amend that. If people learned better impulse control and didn’t jump to conclusions or have a habit of dating disingenuous people, they wouldn’t need to check in on the people they date. But because we have so much access to people now, we have way more information available than need be. We create all kinds of back stories for people that might not even exist. But again, if these sites really wanted people to have more success, they wouldn’t need some blogger to tap them on the shoulder and say, “Hey guys! I have this Amazing idea! Get rid of the log in timestamp!” They are well aware of the conflict this feature creates. And they like it.  Paying for a membership is like loaning a constantly unemployed friend money. Give it to them only if you’re okay with never getting it back.

Now, here’s another dilemma surrounding having an active dating profile.

What if you’re looking to date multiple people? How do you navigate that and avoid any uncomfortable situations?

The first thing that needs to be done is that you need to be upfront with whomever you’re dating should they ask why your profile is recently active. Personally, I don’t think anybody should be asking this question unless you and the other person have discussed exclusivity. Could this be a nice way to initiate this conversation? In theory, yes. But think about it. No matter how you frame this question, you will be perceived as checking up on ( or omigod stalking) the other person. So you’re going to lose points. Which is why I think any info or knowledge you have of their life other than when they’re with you or what they share with you should stay off the table. Nobody likes the idea that people are digging for hints and clues as to or schedule, thoughts, feelings or whereabouts. Yeah, I  know. If we put it out there it’s fair game.

That’s why you shouldn’t put it out there.

If you just can’t keep all those exciting nights at da club with your friends to yourself, then lock up your twitter and Facebook pages. No photo posting, no cryptic tweets, no Foursquare check ins, no blog posts about all your other dates. Zip it.   They can’t question you on anything if you don’t give them any info. Remember the Power of The Self-Created Back-Story. Bloggers who tell someone they date about their blogs, knowing they have blogged about other recent dates or will blog about future ones, are immature. Avoid. They will intentionally blog about having a date in the hopes that that person they went out with is reading.  They’re trying to make someone jealous. Childish. Avoid.

Now, as for your activity on the dating site….

If someone does bring up that they “happened to notice” that you were online recently, they’re fishing. If you aren’t looking for anything too serious, that’s when you tell them so. This is where you separate the men from the boys. That person is either going to pout and say how they are looking for a relationship or they’re going to accept what you say and not argue the point. They might say they’re ok but really aren’t. That’s on them. If they can’t handle it, that’s their homework. From that moment on, you’re in the clear. If they continue to check your activity, let them spiral down that rabbit hole on their own.As long as you don’t go out of your way to rub their face in the fact that you don’t want a relationship, you’re fine. Be honest, but be kind. It’s as simple as that.

The real question is whether or not you state your true intentions in your profile. Personally, I think you need to keep that info to yourself. And, yes, that means selecting both short term dating and long term dating as an option. Deceptive? Kinda. If you’re called on it, you can pull a Bill Clinton. If someone asks you, when you tell them that you’re not looking for a relationship, why you selected long term relationship as an option, you can say you’re not closed off to the possibility, it just has to be the right person. Or that you don’t typically commit so quickly, need more time, etc. Technically, it’s the truth.If they bail,  then you two weren’t on the same page. They did the dirty work for you.

In the words of the great orator Driving Me Nutes…do no harm. Don’t say anything that will end up hurting the other person. You can be honest and still get what you want. That is, if you’re someone who genuinely cares about the feelings of others.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating Skills, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Online Dating, Social Media, Social Rules of Dating Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Full Disclosure: How Much Is Too Much or Too Little?

May 12, 2012 by 29 Comments

Private Man recently emailed me and asked for feedback on a reader question.  Here’s the scenario:

A man met a woman online and arranged a date. In the hours before the arranged meet up, the woman asked the man for his last name. She explicitly told him that she was asking so she could Google him. The guy said he felt freaked out, but gave her his last name anyway.

He wanted to know what the real reason was for the woman’s admission and request and how to circumvent this issue in the future.

In my mind, there’s the “real” reason and the real reason why she would want his last name.

The “real” reason, of course, is to Google the guy and do a little re-con work. The “real” reason, in my opinion, was to force familiarity with the guy and attempt to take a power position in the relationship. It’s another test. If he gives her his last name, then he “really” likes and trusts her. Whatever info she can gather is just a bonus. Most people Google their dates. (I don’t. I find it futile.) Fewer people actually tell someone that they are going to do so.

Someone who tells you that they will Google you is no different than the person who tells you they won’t sleep with you on a first date. They’re looking for  specific reaction. If a woman tells a man she’s not going to sleep with him, she wants to see how he’s going to respond. In her mind, if he stops showing interest in her then he was just looking to get laid.  Same goes for a woman who announces to a guy that she’s going to Google him. It’s an ineffective test women use to gauge just how sincere someone is. (Yes, I know. “Safety shamer!”) As with most tests, all it does is provide someone with a false sense of security. And what happens when you function under a false sense of security? You get bamboozled. Ironic, right?

The more something becomes less common or obsolete, like calling someone to ask them out, the more important certain people want it. Fewer people are handing out their last names to their online dates. So, of course, more people are now insisting upon that information before setting up a date. It’s another way for them to prove to themselves that this person is sincere and genuinely interested. Don’t take it personally that someone doesn’t welcome you into their online home before they have a date or two under their belt. Most people offer the information if asked. Just understand that by asking for specific information, people will assume you are using it for one thing. Most people won’t care. That is, unless you tell them outright what you’re doing. That’s when people get unsettled. Not because they fear you’ll uncover some deep dark secret but because nobody likes knowing that someone is Google/Facebook Creeping them. My friend has an appropriate analogy for this situation.

It is like worrying that ghosts are watching you while you sleep.  It’s a problem of your own imagination.

Accept that people do it and that we are now in a sate of a “new” normal in this regard. As I’ve said before, I think the whole concept of doing research on a date or someone you’re dating to be unnecessary. Creeping on someone like a new date or an Ex, as long as it stays within the lines, is only destructive to the person doing the creeping. Accept that it’s not atypical and just be mindful of it and let it go. We’re all mini-celebrities now. People like to watch and judge and analyze. That’s just how it is now.

You do a background check on someone you’re going to marry or somehow tie yourself to legally or financially. You don’t do background checks on people you’re just dating. If you sense someone is lying or not who they say they are, walk away. That’s it. You ask them questions, you pay attention to inconsistencies and you don’t ignore your gut. It’s very simple. These horror stories we hear about scam artists and predators almost always involve glaring red flags that people overlooked or ignored. Yes, there are the cases here and there where someone ended up being a sociopath and doing serious mental and physical harm. But those cases are the exceptions to the rule and not the rule. A sociopath can and will sneak under the radar, undetectable by even a background check. Google will not protect you from those people.

To answer the query about how to navigate this type of request before meeting someone, I’m not really sure you can. If you tell someone you don’t want to give out specific info, you’ll look like you’re hiding something. If someone isn’t satisfied with the fact that you’ve given them your phone number before meeting, my guess is that person might have some trust issues and therefore end up being a handful. It’s best to disengage right then. If you really like them, then give them the additional details they request.  The fact that someone is asking you for more info should tell you one thing: they don’t trust you. Maybe they’ve been burnt in the past or maybe they’re just really needy or maybe there is something about your behavior that is tripping off an internal wire somewhere. Who knows? Only you can decide if that person is worth getting to know. If you are someone who is hyper-private or Google-averse, I have to say that online dating probably isn’t a great way to meet people.  So either accept that this is now the new normal or stop dating.

Giving a phone number or email address alone is usually enough to give the person all the info they need to hit up Google.  This is why I think the woman’s request was a red herring. She had his number. All she had to do was do  reverse look up of that to get his last name. She wasn’t afraid he was going to abduct her or con her out of cash. She just wanted to see what he’d say so she could tell herself she stood out from his other options.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Dating, Facebook, Red Flags, Social Media, Social Rules of Dating, Stalker

The Stranger

March 20, 2012 by 6 Comments

Name: Kitty

State: NY
Age: 45
Comment: Hi Moxie:  So I’m giving online dating a try and signed up for JDate.  My Modern Orthodox community here on Long Island is medium size, but I’m open to meeting less religious types…and those outside of my immediate area.  Among those that keep showing up as ideal matches are a few guys in my community…two of whom are actually interesting.  Not sure how to handle the “I see you on JDate” thing, I sent each of them a cute email which essentially said “Hi I see you here online, nice profile”.  Nothing more personal.  One man I know (he’s in the fashion biz and seems to date models), and the other is a very high profile business man.  (He’s widowed).

I should add that I have kids in middle school and both of these gents have kids who are in college and beyond…so unless they want a busy household…I won’t be interesting on that level either.

Did I do the wrong thing by saying a nice hello online?  Both responded politely, nothing more.  Not that I’m really expecting something, but I’m curious as to how YOU would handle things when you see someone in your extended circle on line.

 

Here’s what I think, and this is definitely going to be colored by my personal preference.

In today’s world, many of us have online and offline personas. We all feel somewhat vulnerable about who sees and who knows what.  I’ve had men reply to my dating profile and refer to the column or call me Moxie. I don’t like it. I always delete those emails or don’t respond. If I did respond, it would only encourage the guys to continue emailing me and I don’t want that. As I’ve said before, I don’t date men who show interest in the column in any way beyond general curiosity or who offer themselves up as column fodder. These men are showing interest in Moxie, not the real me. I am at a distinct disadvantage with those men, since they have access to me that I don’t have of them.  That makes me way too vulnerable, so I avoid them at all costs.  I’ve been involved with someone who did that, who used information he learned from monitoring me online without my knowledge, and used said information to his advantage while feigning ignorance.  I’m sure most of these men have no malicious intent. But some do, so they all get thrown in one group. Not a risk I’m willing to take.

While there is no real stigma to dating online anymore, that doesn’t mean people are totally comfortable with folks from their “real” lives knowing anything about their personal lives that they do not choose to share. It’s not about being embarrassed. It’s about feeling a little too vulnerable. We’re all so accessible now that I think many people prefer to believe – even if it isn’t true – that they can still be somewhat anonymous. (PS? You submitted this letter using your real name. In the future, be sure to use an alias. If I didn’t know you, I may have posted this letter using your real name thinking it was an alias. )

I often see people I know on various dating sites. I don’t contact them unless we’re close friends. If I know them well enough and want to say hello, I email them. But if they are just guys I’ve dated or acquaintances? I let them go about their business. I allow them to believe that nobody is watching. Dating is hard enough. Nobody wants to think that someone is monitoring their personal lives in some way. Sure, people might say that they’re choosing to put themselves out there, etc. Yes, I agree. But there’s a difference between putting themselves out there the way I or any other blogger does it and the way a “civilian” does it.

I think, should you encounter other men online that you know in real life, you shouldn’t acknowledge that in your intro email. If they recognize you, they recognize you.  By saying something to them about how you know them offline, it could make them a bit…paranoid. By not saying something, you’re demonstrating an understanding of privacy and boundaries, two things very important to most men.

I don’t think you did anything wrong by saying hello, per se. But I wouldn’t be surprised if their polite response and nothing more had a little to do with the fact that they recognized you from real life.

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Filed Under: Dating & Blogging, Facebook, Latests Posts, OKCupid, Online Dating, Social Media, Social Rules of Dating Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Girl on Girl Action

January 10, 2012 by 4 Comments

I’ve said before that most women tend to give each other horrid advice when it comes to dating and sex. The dynamic amongst women can be very complex depending on the personalities that make up the network. For example:

1. They like to assume a superior role in the friendship or social circle – Who doesn’t like to feel as though their friends consider them some kind of Dating Oracle? The benefit of this (for them, at least) is to present themselves as having more/better experience than they actually have. Women love giving advice. It makes us feel better about our own personal lives. It also affords us an opportunity to one up our female peers and get attention.

2. They’re self-centered – They can’t hear a story and not connect it to one of their personal experiences. They use the friend’s dilemma as an excuse to pontificate and self-obsess. Read any blog and check out the comments. You will find that at least half of the women leaving comments end up talking about their own lives or including a personal anecdote.  I was reading an article yesterday about why men aren’t more open about sexual experimentation. In the opening paragraph, the author speaks of her interest in going down on women and men equally. But then she tacks on a snarky “Yes, there are women who enjoy giving head.”  From that point on, everything else she said was suspect. Why? Because she had to separate herself out from other women. We’ve talked about this before. Any time a man or woman has to do that, there’s a reason, and it’s not  a good one.  If someone truly is “better” than the majority of their gender, then that doesn’t need to be explicitly stated. The audience should naturally come to that conclusion on their own. Equally annoying are women who go the “I just feel so bad for women who need a man to make them happy/are ruled by their biological clock/etc” route. No, you don’t. You’re just trying to put them down in order to elevate yourself.

3. They secretly want you to fail or resent you – Growing up with 4 older sisters, I learned quite a bit about girl on girl competitiveness.  They would say things publicly that never should have been said in that sort of forum. But then they’d say, “Love ya!”  It was The Passive Agressive Olympics.  There was genuine love and affection there. But it was definitely overshadowed by the competitive nature of the relationships.  I watch as girlfriends and sisters say snarky, persnickety comments to their friends and siblings on Facebook. “Don’t get that dress dirty!” Translation: You’re a slob. “Did you get that email I sent you?” Translation: You’re ignoring me.  The worst was seeing one woman post half naked pictures of herself that her sister’s boyfriend (who follows her on Facebook) could and probably does frequently ogle. These are examples of shaming and passive aggressive competitiveness and it is indicative of a contentious relationship between the women. And if they shame and compete with each other, especially publicly, they will not think twice of shaming or competing with the men that they date. Especially if the shaming gets them what they want. That alone should make their advice questionable.

What separates good advice from bad advice is the advice giver’s ability to be objective. Many women can’t be objective. Especially when it comes to men and dating. Definitely when it appears as though another woman might surpass them in an area where they have not had much success.

If you are going to go to a girlfriend or sister for advice, or if you’re just looking to make new female friends, keep these things in mind.

1. Do they have any long time girlfriends? If not, then that’s probably because she’s competitive or toxic in some way.

2.Can they listen without making the situation about them? If they can’t, or if they use any situation to revert the story back to them, then they can’t be objective.

3. Do they say inappropriate things in public? Listen, if they aren’t concerned about they look to strangers, they certainly aren’t going to care about how you look or feel.They lack boundaries, which means you are fair game and aren’t safe.

4. Do they judge you? I’ll say this about Samantha Jones. If there was one aspect to this character that I loved, it was her ability to put her friend’s happiness before her own and not judge them. When Carrie went to her and confessed that she was having an affair with Big, she looked at Samantha and asked her if she was judging her. Samantha smiled and said, “Not my style.” And when Carrie got engaged, despite being against marriage, Samantha helped pick out her engagement ring. We all need a Samantha. (And a Miranda, who will keep us grounded in reality. And a Charlotte who will allow us to believe in hope and kismet and all that fluffy stuff that keeps us going.  And a Carrie who…hmmm..I can’t come up with anything for Carrie.) In any case, we need that one friend who will listen without judgment but still be honest.

If they exhibit any of these tendencies, ignore them and find women who can give you honest and objective feedback and unconditional support.

 

It should be noted that I’m going to moderate anybody who exhibits this kind of behavior. Male or female. Those comments will not be posted.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Advice, Girlfriends, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, Social Rules of Dating, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today