You are here: Home / Archives for Standards & Preferences

Would You Date a Smoker?

May 2, 2013 by 44 Comments

Name: john smoker
Comment: Hey, 33 year old guy here.  Been following your blog for a while now and liking it. I have a question about smokers.

I don’t smoke and never have.  But I find that many NYC women I meet are consistently smokers.   For me, being born borderline-asthmatic with allergies pretty much nixed that vice before it could ever get started. From the perspective of a non-smoker, one of the biggest issues for me is I would never be able to commit to a smoker.

There can be attraction on many levels but as someone who as a kid had to put up with constant chain smoking neighbors whose smoke got through the thin walls and vents I never got used to it.  It makes me physically ill, gives me chronic headaches, and is a health risk in general.   (I can remember all those sick days after going out clubbing back before Bloomberg’s ban kicked in).

I’ll meet someone that says they smoke once in a while, which really means ….. I smoke a pack a day!  I always state up front that smoking is a deal breaker.  Most women will understand but occasionally I have met others who became visibly upset when I laid that out as a deal breaker.  Other times I’ve discovered they are smokers by tasting the ash in their mouth on a kiss – which was really an unpleasant surprise.

So, I guess my question is how do I better screen for non-smokers?  I am not talking about internet dating where it is easier to identify through filters.  Is it rude to ask someone (say in a speed dating event or a cocktail happy hour event) if they are smokers?   I’ve done that before and usually the women will respond nonchalantly yes or no.  But occasionally I will meet someone who reacts negatively and becomes upset.  I don’t think I was being judgmental (not consciously anyway) but hearing from co-workers who are smokers they often view the world as an us vs them mentality in terms of their habit.

I’m just wondering if there is a more discreet way of approaching this issue.  Thank you.
Age: 33
City: nyc
State: ny

 

I’m taking a short hiatus from writing responses to these letters. I have other things I need to focus on and have some personal matters I need to tend to for now. If I can fit in a response or post here and there, I will. Enjoy.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Standards & Preferences Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Open Minded Are You?

March 20, 2013 by 32 Comments

Name: Amanda
Age: 45
City: Hicksville
State: NY
Comment: Dear Moxie:  I went out with this guy and we hit it off great, he is 41 I am 45.  During the course of the night we had a conversation about piercings and tattoo’s.  I have none but he has nipple rings.  I was immediately turned off, I mean turned off to the point that my stomach turned when I thought about touching them or even kissing his chest.  I guess my question is what do other women think of nipple rings on guys or any other piercings on guys outside of ears? Am I strange to have such a strong reaction to this?

 

 

I think what might really be bothering you is that you’re intimidated by what those piercings might represent. Maybe you’re making assumptions about his past or even his sexual proclivities and that’s what has you bugged out?

People make a lot of assumptions when they see men or women with any kind of visible expression of their personalities. That includes dyed or shaved hair, tattoos, certain styles of dress, etc. All kinds of judgments are formed by people about who that person is and what they’ve done and how they live their lives.

I was talking with a girlfriend the other day about how even people with curly hair are looked at as “weird” or “different.” People don’t get it. I’ve had so many people tell me to straighten my hair and wear it straight “because men prefer straight hair.” I have no doubt that that is true. Unfortunately, like I said in another post from tonight, I simply do not have the time to blow out my hair all the time. Plus I hate the damage that is being done to my already coarse hair. The Keratin process I has softened my hair and made it smoother, which helps. I’m sure the dryness of it makes people think it is poorly cared for. Which isn’t true, but that’s one of those judgments that people make. I nearly walked out on my hair stylist a couple of weeks ago during my monthly trim when she started commenting on how dry my hair was and then started pushing the $40 oils and conditioners on me. Uh, no. You’re not going to shame me into giving you a commission.

In any case, there are things about people that create impressions and opinions in the minds of others.

My personal opinion, Amanda, is that you’re formulating a back story for this guy based on his decision to pierce his nipples. He could have done that at 25 for all you know. Why don’t you ask him what inspired him to get them pierced? I bet you’d learn a lot about him by hearing that story. Often times people do something “severe” to their looks/body as a result of a life experience. I got my tattoo a few years back because I had been having a medical issue that had me fearing something was very, very wrong. Once I learned everything was fine, I decided to finally get the tattoo I had always wanted. I wear my hair curly because people tell me I look like my Mom or Dad more when I do. I like having that connection, especially now. I also feel like my features are better suited for curly hair and it suits my personality.

Rather than judge someone for something that, let’s face it, is fairly innocuous why not just use it as a conversation starter? Like I said, I think you’re somehow intimidated by this guy and worry that maybe he expects or is used to something you’re not sure you can deliver.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Social Rules of Dating, Standards & Preferences Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Does Your Partner Need to Be Your Intellectual Equal?

June 8, 2012 by 39 Comments

Here’s an interesting article where the author defends her decision to break up with a man that did not go to college.

As we’ve discussed before, I think women place far more importance on the need for their partner to hold a college degree than men do.

My father took advantage of the GI Bill when he came home from serving in the second World War. He pursued not just one but two degrees thanks to the government and by working multiple jobs.

I think I’ve told the story before of how my father encouraged my step-mother to pursue her GED at 50. Not because he wanted an intellectually equal partner but because he knew she always felt inadequate because she never finished high school. My step-mother thought she was too old. My father dismissed that notion, saying that someone was never too old to get an education. He was always learning and reading, well into his eighties. He even got my step-mom to take a computer course in her sixties simply so she could learn a new skill. To my father, there was no excuse to not get any form of an education, be it a degree or certificate or trade program. He placed value not on the level of education achieved, but the desire to improve.

Personally, I place education high on my list. When I was in my twenties, education was important because – in my mind – it was indicative of status and intelligence. As I got older, I met many people that made it quite clear that some of the most stupid and ignorant people hold high degrees. I used to be so impressed by where someone went to school. I thought it was a sign of character. It’s not. I can remember meeting someone at the gym a while back who came from a  fairly wealthy part of Massachusetts. He went to UMass undergrad and then Columbia Law School. Yet now he was working in the membership sales area of a gym. Something was a miss. He said he had worked in law for a couple years and then quit the field saying he hated it. Maybe that’s true. I never pushed for more info because that was all I needed to hear. To spend that kind of money (clearly not his) and time pursuing something so difficult just to turn around and quit spoke volumes to me about his character. He may have had an education. But he didn’t value it.

What I don’t agree with in the original article is this need to have intellectual conversations with your partner about abstract topics like art or literature. To me, that is elitist. I like to engage in intelligent discussions. But something I’ve learned by dating in NYC is that, despite having gone to a fairly prestigious school, I wasn’t much of an intellectual.  The more people I meet, the more I’m reminded that I’m really not as smart or interesting as I think I am. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a barrel of laughs and can hold a conversation. But listening to some of my close friends talk to me about articles they’ve read and places they’ve seen, I realize just how sheltered and woefully lacking in knowledge I really am. Listen, I’m wicked smaht. (Sorry, Boston accent, y’all.) But I’m not an intellectual. I’m more perceptive and intuitive. But that doesn’t seem to hold as much value with some people.  I can remember being on a  date once several years ago with a college professor. His line of questioning made it abundantly clear that he was looking for someone with whom he could engage in intellectual discussions. He looked utterly bored at most of what I said until I mentioned a Philosophy group to which I belonged at the time. Then he was all ears.

The man I dated last fall/winter had his PhD is psychology and sociology. He’s, well, rather brilliant. I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t one of the things I loved about him. To this day, he reviews pieces I write and offers insight and feedback, and praises me when he feels I’ve made a solid point. He encourages me. He doesn’t talk down to me. The disparity in our education level has never been an issue. I’ve never felt “dumb” around him. We rarely had talks about books or politics or social issues. If anything, it seemed like he wanted to turn off that side of his brain.

I tend to think that’s how most men feel. They don’t need to be with someone who shares their love of talking about the latest New Yorker article or Wall Street Journal piece. It’s a bonus, for sure. But it falls low on the list of must haves. It’s usually women who make that a requirement. I don’t believe it’s necessarily because they enjoy having such talks. I think it has more to do with their desire to demonstrate how intelligent and well-read they are because that’s something feel is important.I tend to believe that,  as long as she’s not as dumb as a box of rocks, most men don’t really care what a woman’s IQ  or education level is. Feel free to correct me if you disagree.

So, my dear readers, I will now ask you….do you need to be with a partner that is your intellectual equal? How important is education to you and why?

Share
Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Article Roundup, Dating, Standards & Preferences Tagged With: , , ,

When Do You Let Go Of The Fantasy?

March 1, 2012 by 49 Comments

Name: Jessica
State: NY
Age: 30
Comment: I would love a brutally honest assessment of my predicament from objective third parties please.I’ve been dating in NYC for the last ten years, I had always been into NY men: educated, intelligent, etc. But with age and experience, him having to be respectful, treat me well, call me, introduce me to his inner circle, etc. also became very important. I am also one of those people who say that NYC is their better half and that it’s the best place for them (although I live in a rent stabilized apartment on the UES, so it’s not like I am flushed with cash).

I’ve always considered myself a city person. I grew up in a metropolitan area (admittedly, not as big as NYC) and have never driven a car to get to places (I can barely drive), always liked being around crowds, buildings, cultural places and always felt uneasy when I had to briefly leave for the suburbs: no people, houses-and-trees-and-cars lifestyle and images really tainted my mood and seemed like something I never wanted for myself. I always wanted to stay in the city, even when I had kids. I kind of knew that finding a man in Manhattan who I would both fall in love with and who would fall in love with me and who would have an apartment big enough to raise a family was rather a delusion, but was willing to somehow work around it (move to a good area in Bkln, etc.), especially that I myself don’t make anywhere near what you’d have to be making to afford housing with kids in the city.

I’ve had a few serious relationships, the last three (ranging from a few months to 1 1/2years) with Manhattan men who either rented or owned. Those were normal relationships with mutual respect. However none of them turned into a marriage.

Now I am very much marriage/kids-minded. I recently met a man who treats me really well and who seems to have the same kind of thing on his mind. We are both emotionally invested at this point but on my end, it’s more the appreciation of his character and the way he treats me than infatuation or crazy passion. Which is okay because from what I hear crazy passion isn’t the basis of a family life. So it’s not one of those “he doesn’t give me butterflies” confessions.The thing is my boyfriend lives in the suburbs, and I mean it’s almost two hours driving out or, if you are lucky, 1:45minutes or so, and there is a train that you have to drive from to his house that stops in his town, and nothing else, no other way to commute. In the beginning when I found out (we met at the Met Museum) that he was from the suburbs, although I liked him, I almost turned him down but he was so nice and always commuted to NYC for our dates and dropped me off that it won me over to the extent where I wanted to go out on subsequent dates and see where it was going to go.

Most things about our relationship are great, and we get along very well. The only thing I am concerned about is the lifestyle and the commute. It would be a major, drastic change for me and somehow I get the feeling that I won’t be able to embrace the change and change my lifestyle preferences. It worries me a lot. Commuting is a big headache too, especially that I work a typical 9:30-5 in the city. Most and foremost the concept of suburban living is very alien to me, and even upsets me when I try to think about it as something to live with indefinitely. My boyfriend is also very clear about not wanting to move to a metropolitan area, I mean ever.

Is this my preference (and not the fact that he is family oriented, he owns his house, treats me really well, is financially secure, etc)normal or am I being crazy and not realistic? After all, I dated all those Manhattan men, and nothing came out of it in terms of family/kids? Am I being spoiled and too picky, because, after all, the real America all lives like that – suburbs, houses and driving everywhere? Or is it just a normal trait of my personality? I’ve thought so much about it, and don’t know at this point. I really don’t want to lose my relationship with a great, caring, financially stable man to my distorted ideal of Manhattan life, and end up getting more and more into my 30′s waiting for something that might never come my way.

Thanks

 

I have to say that you don’t sound terribly attracted or into this guy. You sound…comfortable. Which is not the same as happy.

The differences in lifestyle choices is also a huge concern.  You clearly don’t want to live outside the city. Do I agree with you that you are delusional if you think you’re going to find one of those guys who can afford to live and raise children in Manhattan or Brooklyn?  I don’t know. How many kids are we talking here? One? Eh, that’s doable. More than that? I don’t know.  I’ve never really thought about that so I don’t know how helpful my input on this particular topic would be.

What I will say is that you seem to have this romanticized idea of living in Manhattan or Brooklyn. Other than the issue about not driving, much of your reasoning sounds rather disingenuous. I believe that you believe that those are your reasons for wanting to be here and I believe you believe they are valid. To me, they sound kind of , well, silly. You like buildings and crowds? Really? I walk up 86th Street on my way to the gym and I want to punch myself in the face repeatedly because of how congested it is.

I think you like the idea of what living in a city like Manhattan means.  Right now, you’re swept up in the lifestyle. But come on. You and I live in the same part of town, both in rent stabilized apartments, etc. This life? Not so glamorous. There are glimmers of glamor, but that’s really it. For the most part it’s kinda boring. It sure ain’t fancy.

That all said, I don’t blame you for not wanting to do the commute. I also get the desire to be around more “citified” people. I get the same way you do when I go home.

I think that you’re 30 years old in Manhattan. If you’re reasonably attractive and sane, you shouldn’t have  a problem finding a guy here in the city. Now, whether he’s going to want to fulfill your Miranda Hobbs/Charlotte York-inspired fantasy of raising a family here in Manhattan is a different story. Much like Miranda, you’re going to have to get over that whole “I’m a city girl” thing. Because unless you are a knockout, the chances of you meeting a heart surgeon or lawyer who puts you up in a pricey apartment where you raise your gaggle of kids are slim. Not to mention the guys who make that kind of bank are hardly ever around. They’re too bust working.

Let’s face it. Manhattan and even Brooklyn is expensive. We live here for the convenience, not the culture. Add kids to that mix and you’re talking a lot of money. Eventually people move from here to a suburb to raise their kids. And honestly? Everybody I’ve ever met who was raised in Manhattan has always seemed kind of pretentious and lacking any real concept of real life. They never seem able to adapt or function anywhere but Manhattan. That’s not a good thing.

Eventually, you’re going to have to let go of the fantasy and acknowledge that what you want might not be attainable. You should also consider the real possibility that the fantasy will not measure up to the dream you have built up in your head. You’ve got a few years left where you can flit around and meet men at The Met and go to trendy hot spots and dream of the days you pick your kids up from Spence or Browning. But you don’t want to end up 35, 38, 40 and still trying to emulate some idealized version of real life. Guys can smell women like that a mile away, and they tend to avoid those types. Or at least not take them very seriously.

Share
Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, How SATC Ruined Women, Latests Posts, Standards & Preferences Tagged With: , , , , , ,

How Long Can She Juggle Multiple Men Before Coming Clean?

December 2, 2011 by 23 Comments

Name: Confused
State: PA
Age: 41
Comment: I had recently been dating two different guys ‘casually’ (ie, dinner and drinks, no sex) that i met online.  Then enters bachelor #3 (who I met in ‘real life’)and he knocked my socks off (both literally and figuratively). To be honest, I ‘prefer’ him over the other two I have been dating  – although, admittedly, it’s too early to ‘tell’ for ANY of them if we are, in fact, a good match (they have all been about 3 – 4 dates for the first two bachelors and 2 for the ‘new’ guy).

Here’s my ‘conflict’. A couple of my guy friends have told me that since bachelor #3 came on the scene (and I slept with him) that it’s wrong for me to continue to date the other people. I don’t want to hurt any of these guys but no one has expressed a desire to be ‘exclusive’ so I thought it was ‘no harm/no foul’. For the record, I assume they are all doing the same thing and have no issue with it.

So, what’s the proper etiquette here and how do I relieve myself of the ‘guilt’ over this ‘unspoken’ exclusive stuff. It seems pretty silly to me for any adult to ‘assume’ they are exclusive but, as I said, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings here.

 

First question:

How does this guy fit in to the mix? You just submitted this letter a few days ago. Am I to assume he’s the guy that knocked your socks off? I’m not calling you out because you’ve submitted multiple letters. I’m asking if I should factor the previous letter in to my response to this letter. For now, I’ll just focus on the details in letter posted here today. But if you’re reading, please leave a comment and clarify.

Here’s my ‘conflict’. A couple of my guy friends have told me that since bachelor #3 came on the scene (and I slept with him) that it’s wrong for me to continue to date the other people.

I will say this again….stop listening to your single friends. Especially if their own love lives aren’t terribly successful. These guys are telling you what they would want to happen and what they think is fair. They are projecting their personal insecurities on to this situation. They are getting offended for the other guys you’re dating because they have, at some point, played the sucker.

You don’t owe anybody any explanation. If these guys don’t like the idea of you sleeping with other men or dating other men, they they need to speak up. And my guess is that they’d only be bothered by the fact that you’re sleeping with someone else because you haven’t slept with them. That’s why you’re guy friends are telling you to come clean. Sabotage, baby. Sabotage. They are pissed at you for “playing” these other guys and “leading them on” without having sex with them.

Like you said. It’s far too  early in the game for you to offering full disclosure. You don’t owe anyone that. You are not doing anything wrong. Do the right thing, practice safe sex and enjoy.

Should Mr. Knocks My Socks Off actually be the guy from the other letter, then my guess is he won’t be in the picture for long any way. Even if he isn’t the same guy, I still get a “I like unavailable guys” vibe from you. You’ve submitted two previous letters in the past six weeks or so.

The first was the guy who couldn’t pick a bar at which to meet.

Then the one from earlier this week

So I do have to wonder what your deal is and why you keep having so many on these “problems.” You either blow off the guy who makes a concerted effort to meet, or you hold off on having sex with other guys…but then you throw all  hesitations aside and have sex with Bachelor #3 on the first or second date. (You don’t specify.) Mind you, I’m not shaming you for sleeping with Bachelor #3. I’m pointing out that you seem somewhat inconsistent in your standards and preferences and seem to be looking for problems where there are none.

I am curious though…why haven’t you slept with the first two guys? I know you said Bachelor #3 knocked your socks off, but what does that mean exactly and how is he different than the other guys? I’m not saying your guy friends are wrong in their suspicions. Where I think they are wrong is being passive aggressive and trying to guilt you in to saying something, which would completely blow up your spot and probably leave you with zero bachelors from which to choose.

My answer to this isolated question is: say nothing, enjoy, be safe, have fun, don’t listen to your friends.

My feedback to you when I consider all three letters is…figure out if you actually want a relationship and are emotionally available or if  you just enjoy all the attention you get from having these non-problems. If that’s the case, then you do need to stop wasting the time of guys genuinely looking for a relationship.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, Latests Posts, Monogamy, Online Dating, Sex, Standards & Preferences Tagged With: , , , ,

How Important Is a College Degree?

September 20, 2011 by 71 Comments

I wouldn’t date any woman who didn’t have at least a bachelors degree. I don’t care if they are unemployed or not. But if you date a woman with an associates or no degree that’s a sign they are lazy and unmotivated. – Peter

 

Just because a woman only has an associate’s degree does not necessarily mean that she is lazy or unmotivated. It could simply mean that she came from a poor family that couldn’t afford to pay for any of her college. There are plenty of hard-working intelligent women who work hard at their jobs and don’t spend their free time at bars or partying. An ex-girlfriend of mine was a legal secretary and only had an associate’s degree. However, she was making decent money and good at what she did. She eventually did get her bachelor’s degree in her late-30s while taking night school. She was anything but lazy. If you are going to assume that anyone without a bachelor’s degree is lazy, why not take this a step further and make the assumption that someone with a bachelor’s degree in a relatively “easy” or less-demanding discipline, such as communications, is also lazy? – Kurt

 

How about I shouldn’t date anyone w/o a masters degree since have a masters. I should assume bachelors degrees are lazy too! Thanks for the idea Kurt. And your ex gf is a loser btw, if she was fired from her legal sec job what are her options in life?? Work as a cashier? Great backup plan. The unemployment rate is far higher w/o a degree, this is 2011 not 1981…if you are going to the workforce you better be prepared and your ex is obviously not interested in being prepped for work. She’s prepped for getting some lame ass high school type job while Mr Right steps in and gives her all she needs. Total lazy bozo! – Peter

 

A while back, I was reading an article written by an entrepreneur. The piece was about how, in some cases, street smarts and drive are just as good if not better than a college education. The author of the essay is a business owner who never went to college. It’s not clear if they started school and left or just never went at all. In any case, the story rubbed me the wrong way. Namely because the writer launch a few gently jabs here and there at those with Ivy MBA’s.

Listen. You didn’t go to college. That’s cool. Maybe money was an issue. Maybe you just didn’t think it was for you. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t automatically make someone lazy or stupid. However…people don’t just get accepted in to Ivy League schools or MBA programs or Law School out of luck. That takes a tremendous amount of discipline and drive and commitment and sacrifice. So, howsabout we show a tad more respect for the way they applied themselves and the work and effort they made to stay in those schools instead of letting  a huge, gaping chip on our shoulder speak for us, hmm?

If I were hiring for a position and I had two candidates to choose from, and one was a college graduate fresh out of school and one was a “successful” entrepreneur with no college background, I’d choose the person with the degree. Want to know why? Because the college experience isn’t just about book smarts. It’s also about being exposed to other ways of thinking, other cultures and other lifestyles. In short, it’s about being well rounded. For someone to get in to any school and to stay there requires discipline and hard work. At least with a college degree you can back up said experience with transcripts and grades. Hard evidence of the work performed. You’ll rarely see an entrepreneur turn over their financials or books. You’ll just hear them say how successful they are or will point to their media mentions. Well, unless I can get a copy of your tax returns, it’s just empty words to me. Business is about making money. It’s not about how much press you get or your Twitter Klout score. If the only people talking about you are people with a vested interest in your business, and there’s little word of mouth marketing on your actual knowledge or skills, I question just how “successful” an entrepreneur/business really is.

/end rant.

Obviously, I value education. I’m the daughter of a teacher, from a family of teachers. The importance of education has been drummed in to my brain since I was a wee lass. So, of course, I consider education – or the value of education – a desirable quality in a partner. At the very least, we have to share a common belief that education is important.

I tend to agree with Peter that if someone is going to go for an Associates degree, they might as well go for their Bachelor’s. Every time I hear Matt Damon say he’s just a credit or so shy of his degree from Harvard, I wince just a tiny bit. Dude…Harvard. Oscar Schmoscar. Finish your degree.

Now, would I turn someone down if they didn’t have a degree? No. But they’d have to demonstrate to me that they don’t have some myopic or small minded world view. That, to me, is more important than their earning potential.

How about you? Would you date someone who didn’t have a college degree of a Bachelor’s or higher? Why or why not?

 

Would You Date Someone Who Didn't Have a College Degree?

View Results

Loading ... Loading ...
Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Finances, Latests Posts, So..What Do You Do For a Living?, Standards & Preferences

Could You Date Someone Unemployed?

September 16, 2011 by 38 Comments

Name:Deena
State: Illinois
Age: 31
Comment: I am a woman who loves cooking, traveling, art, home decorating, sports (watching and playing), wine, and cultural and educational events.  I am a good friend, daughter, sister and volunteer with many different organizations.  I’m often told that I’m sexy; I have a model’s frame and my best asset is my smile. But more importantly, I am a good person and practice the ‘treat others the way I want to be treat’ mantra. I’ve had great relationships that just ran it’s course and don’t have any baggage. In fact, I have a friendly relationship with almost all of my exes.  Here’s the problem: I’m unemployed.  I’ve recently obtained my masters and have been job hunting for almost a year.  In my pursuit for a career, I’m also looking for a partner for a long-term relationship.  I am ashamed of the fact that I’m unemployed and I feel as if I’ve lost my identity; what do you do is the first question people ask after they’ve asked for your name.  I know that I have a lot to offer but since my unemployment, I’ve turned down many dates for fear that I may seem like a ‘loser.’ In the past, I was pursued by really successful men and now, I hide from them.  I’ve began dating men I wouldn’t ordinarily date, men who are younger and not as financially secured.  I’m not looking for someone to ‘take care of me’ and I don’t want to come across as such, due to my unemployment.  How do men feel about dating unemployed women?

My stepmother dropped out of high school to take care of her parents. It was something she always regretted. My father, right after they got married, encouraged her to go get her GED at 50something. She did and then headed back in to the work force in her fifties.  Then, at 70,  she expresses an interest in computers. My father told her to find a class that could teach her computer basics. Would she ever use those skills? Probably not. But he still encouraged her to take classes because he (like many people) value the pursuit of knowledge. I have a tremendous amount of respect for what you did, Deena.

Here’s the thing about that question, “So…what do you do?” I’d say that, for the most part, when men ask that question they’re merely trying to make conversation. While they’re definitely on high alert for women who are looking for someone to support them, they don’t all necessarily care if a woman is marginally employed or unemployed as long as she’s managing it well. Especially in a situation like yours where you took time off from your career to pursue your education. That’s not something someone does just to find a benefactor.

You invested in your professional career. That’s something that most people – male and female – greatly respect. Someone who does that possesses important and admirable qualities that make them a good employee as well as partner. When someone tells me that they’re pursuing higher education (or any level of education) I think they’re not afraid of hard work, they’re focused and they’re disciplined.  Those are all good things, things that you should make you feel proud. You’re bettering yourself. Don’t think men look down on that.

In today’s times, I think it’s far more common to encounter people in your position. Anybody who would look down on someone for being unemployed these days or consider it a mark on the person’s record is astonishingly out of touch. Being unemployed or having bad credit or not being terribly financially stable is commonplace now. No, they’re not great things. But they are realities of our current economic situation. Someone expecting to meet another person who is gainfully employed with a stable job, with a 700-800 credit score, and little debt is ignoring what’s going on out there now. Yes, there are some people who have been able to maintain all of that. But there are a lot of really good, hard working, honest people who weren’t so lucky. There’s a big difference between some leech who is living off parents or the government and eeking out a living and someone trying very hard ( and maybe failing at times) to make ends meet on their own. This is something that should be examined on a case by case basis. Broad generalizations are not wise.

You’re intentionally going for men that you consider “less than” because that’s how you see yourself. I’ve said this before…shame is a heavy anchor. You didn’t so anything wrong! You chose to continue your education so you could go on to have a lasting and successful career! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! The longer you allow those thoughts of shame or insecurity percolate in your head, the worse it’s going to be. You have to shut them out. You have to. There’s nothing worse than living like that. There really isn’t. The messages just play over and over in your head until you start to believe them. Turn them off. Now. Start doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Go volunteer. Be a mentor to a teenager. Work out. Do something to get you out of your head.You did nothing wrong.

It’s great that you’re self-aware. But you don’t want to become so aware of your perceived flaws that you end up becoming a walking raw nerve. Not only does that affect you mentally, but it has some pretty adverse physical affects as well.

The true upshot here? You’re giving guys a chance that you probably wouldn’t have before. While you might be going for some men men who aren’t all that available just because they’re riddled with shame, too, you’re probably getting to know them beyond what they do for a living. Another positive! Anything that encourages empathy is plus.

Next time someone asks you what you do for a living, all you say is, “I just finished my Masters and now I’m on the job hunt.”  If you’re not having luck in finding a job, take any job that gets you out of the house and around people. I’d also suggest volunteering or even interning in the interim. (Internships aren’t just for college students anymore.) At least it gives you a sense of purpose and exposes you potential job connections. Fill some of your time doing something that relates to your chosen career.  Create an action plan that details how you will get back on track professionally, socially and financially. Start a support group for others who are fresh out of school and unemployed.

When you start to see that there are so many people who are in the same situation as you, you won’t feel so out of place.

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating & Finances, Dating In a Big City, Dating In The New Economy, Happy & Healthy, Latests Posts, Red Flags, Standards & Preferences

Should Women Make The First Move?

September 8, 2011 by 113 Comments

Name: Toni
Age: 39
Comment: Should women ask men out?  I was raised very traditional and have actually asked 2 men out in my whole life. There is this guy at work and we went from smiling at one another, to saying hi.  Then I introduced myself, stating that hey we always say hi but haven’t been introduced.  So now it’s been a month since then – he looks up every time I walk by, he makes a point to say hi or to find some reason to talk to me.  Today he came by my office and said wow that’s a big bowl of candy – I said oh please come in and help yourself.  He walked away.

I would love to go out with him and get to know him outside of work. Should I just have patience and wait for him to make a move?  Or should I do something and what and how?  HELP!!
State: Maryland

My personal opinion? If he were interested or even comfortable with dating someone from work, he’d make a move.But I’m someone who doesn’t like the idea of a woman asking a man out. (With the exception of online dating, where I think all bets are off. Somebody has to make the move to taking things offline. It’s never wise to sit back and wait.) I’ve changed my mind on a lot of things over the last 6 years of writing this column. But this is one opinion I just can’t bring myself to adjust. My main reason for thinking that women shouldn’t ask men out is that I felt it disrupted the power dynamic. Well, in the past couple of years, life in general has disrupted the power dynamic in relationship. That’s already been skewed. Now I just fear that women are setting themselves up for disappointment by asserting themselves in this area. If you are going to do it, ladies, really examine the situation from the appropriate angles and know what you need to know to make an informed decision. Are they single? Do they date just to date? How interested are you…really? Because often times we – men and women -  feel compelled to ask someone out simply because they present themselves as a challenge.

My opinion on this subject has nothing to do with thinking that it’s the man’s “job” to ask the woman out or anything like that. I just think that it puts the woman in far too vulnerable of a position. I don’t hear a lot of stories from women saying they had sex with a guy even though they weren’t attracted to him. I do hear stories like that from men. I think a lot of men will accept an offer of a date even though they have moderate to no interest in the woman, simply because they see an opportunity to get laid.I know that sounds so sexist and jaded, and I apologize. I think I give men a lot of credit around here. But what they’ll do or even forgo for sex? Yeah, I’m sticking with the stereotypes just because I don’t see enough men out there going against them.

Of course, men are also vulnerable in their own way, and often take out women who have no intention of ever seeing the man again but who want a free meal. The difference, for me, is that most men seem to know either on the date itself or soon after when their calls are not returned that the woman was never interested in the first place. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to be led on for days/weeks and will believe whatever nonsense it is the man tells them about why they haven’t gotten together again.The woman has no idea she’s being set up as a Break In Case of Emergency Lay.

Most men don’t have a problem being “used” for sex. They get annoyed if they are used for a meal, but they don’t take as big a hit to their self-esteem as a woman who sleeps with a man believing he’s genuinely interested.

Just ask him out. He could be worried that, since you work together, you might reject him just on that basis. Or maybe he’s someone who won’t date someone in the work place. Or maybe he has a girlfriend and he just enjoys some inter-office flirting. I don’t know. I think you’re opening a can of worms by trying to date someone you work with. But then, no risk, no reward.

Just don’t let things move too fast. You’ll have to see that man every day. Remember that.

Share
Filed Under: Book, Dating, Latests Posts, Office Romance, Standards & Preferences, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , ,

So…What Do You Do?

August 30, 2011 by 31 Comments

I was reading an article a while ago and the interviewer asked the subjects if they had ever been discriminated against because of their chosen professions.

One man, an actor, expressed frustration at how some women disregard him because of that choice.

To me, it’s important that the person I date respect what I do for a living. I’ve had guys ask questions that made it clear they thought what I did was frivolous. As long as I’m not relying on you to support me and it makes me happy and therefore a better and more stable partner, it shouldn’t really matter what I do.

I’ll date an actor. A working actor. I don’t care if its voice overs or off broadway or summer stock. He doesn’t have to be a “famous” actor. But he has to be working. Some guy at 35 years old who calls himself an actor when he earns most of his income either bartending, waiting tables or – worse – parental support while he goes on audition after audition but never books jobs  is just someone refusing to grow up.

The issue isn’t the money. It’s the all around emotional stability. A woman says she’s an actor and she’s usually labeled a drama queen or high maintenance. Well, it works both ways. Artists of any type are often considered “moody” or “dark.” And rightly so. That is the concern for me. It’s not how much they earn. It’s the unpredictability involved with dating someone who, in order to be successful, has to be extremely committed, passionate and emotionally raw. I wouldn’t NOT date someone just because he said he’s an actor or writer, etc.  I would date him, but pay close attention to his behavior and moods. If he shows signs of being erratic, disorganized, melodramatic, emotionally withholding or unavailable or reclusive, that’s when I’d disengage.

But what if a woman or man did decide  to not date someone pursuing a career as a creative type because there wasn’t enough financially stability associated with that chosen field? Is that really a bad thing?

In the past, I don’t think men were as concerned with what a woman did for a living as long as she supported herself. I don’t know of that’s the case any more.  Women appear to be picking up that slack. More and more I hear stories of women supporting their men while the guy earns a modest living, if any at all. As money becomes tighter and tighter, and the cost of living sky rockets, we’re just not as willing to risk the possible financial (and emotional) volatility.

Another issue that arises, one that has nothing to do with how much they earn, is how many hours they work. Say doctor, lawyer or even entrepreneur and you’re possibly considered high risk because those fields are known for their schedules and commitment levels. I always advise people to avoid the “What Do You Do?” question when they go speeddating. Save that for the follow up conversations. Stick to questions that help you determine if you have common interests or values. (i.e. What is your typical weekend like? How do you relax? If you could travel anywhere in the world where would it be? If you could have lunch with anyone, living or dead, who would it be and why?)

Then there’s the status seekers who think their ability to date someone in a certain field is a statement of their worth. It provides social proof. Some women trip over themselves to brag about dating a doctor or lawyer. There are men that think they’re “cool” for dating a dancer or stripper. Hate to break it to ya, kids, but this is Manhattan. Dating a lawyer or a dancer isn’t exactly hard to do. So if you’re going to brag about it, make sure your lawyer or dancer is either extremely rich or objectively hot. Anything else just makes you look like you’re trying too hard to impress people.

Some people will even intentionally date someone who is professionally unestablished. It gives them an air of superiority. That makes it easier to own or control the person they’re dating.

 

What about you? Does what someone does for a living raise any red flags? If so, what are they? Would you give them a chance or would you immediately cross them off your list as potential mates?


PLEASE READ COMMENT GUIDELINES BEFORE POSTING

Share
Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Finances, Dating In a Big City, Dating In The New Economy, Dysfunction Junction, Happy & Healthy, Latests Posts, Red Flags, So..What Do You Do For a Living?, Standards & Preferences Tagged With: , , , , ,

Does Size/Tightness Really Matter?

August 23, 2011 by 30 Comments

I’m going to be taking a break from answering questions for a few days. I’m working on another project and just have limited time for the next few days. Plus, with it being the dog days of summer, I’d prefer to save some of the questions we’ve received until people are back from vacation.

I will still be posting. I just won’t be posting as many letters. Instead I’ll be throwing some topics out there for discussion.

Today’s Topic:

Ladies, does size really matter? For guys, does tightness really matter?

Go…

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, casual sex, Dating, Latests Posts, Sex, Standards & Preferences Tagged With: , , , ,
«Older Posts