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Why Testing a Man Will Almost Always Backfire

April 14, 2013 by 25 Comments

Name: Pilot Girl
Comment: I met a guy a few months ago through a friend. He’s a little younger and works crazy hours in the investment banking industry. I wasn’t interested at first because of the age difference. I turned him down a few times before finally agreeing to go out with him and almost cancelled our first date. I’m glad I didn’t because it went really well and we had a really good connection.

He was very consistent about seeing me again and again. He didn’t let more than a day go by without texting or calling to set up the next date. Twice he called me very last-minute to see if I wanted to grab a bite or coffee after work (when his boss would unexpectedly let him go home early). I agreed to meet him both times on the fly and we had an amazing time talking and getting to know each other. But after the second time I let him know that I would prefer a few days notice for dates. From then on he started to schedule our dates in advance.

Here’s my issue. He called last Thursday and asked me out for dinner/movie in the next couple of days (our 6th date). I told him I was free on Friday (next day) and Sunday. He replied that either one of those days worked for him and that I could choose. I chose Friday and we made plans.

A few hours before our date he called to say something came up at work and he had to work late. He immediately suggested we reschedule to Sunday plus gave me Saturday as an option too. He caught me off guard so I initially agreed to Sunday as I was busy on Saturday.

Then I thought about it. Something didn’t feel right. That saying by Dr. Phil “you teach people how to treat you” popped into my brain. If I let him cancel on me at the last minute so early on in our courtship then will he think I’m a pushover? Lose respect for me? Do it again next time?

It was a very painful decision (because I really wanted to see him) but I texted him back and said I forgot about plans I had for Sunday (lie) and let’s try to connect next week. I wanted to send a message that canceling at the last minute was not OK and the consequence is that he won’t get to see me that weekend. He texted back right away with “Why are you bailing on me? But OK, whenever is good for you.”

He didn’t wait until next week to contact me. He texted on Sunday to say hello and then again on Wed evening to see if I was free for a bite (again last-minute because he finished work early). I was happy to hear from him but I was literally in the middle of having dinner with a friend. I told him I was busy and I’ll be happy to do it another time. He texted back “For sure!” but didn’t offer up an alternative. It’s now Friday and I haven’t heard from him since Wed. We don’t have any plans for this weekend and I feel like I blew it.

I feel horrible about telling him I was busy on Sunday when I wasn’t. I’m starting to think that this disingenuous move derailed our dating momentum. But as a woman who’s dated her share of jerks, players and flaky guys I find it hard to strike a balance between being flexible and being assertive. When do I let it go? And when do I put my foot down?

My dilemma is this: Did I do the right thing by making a stand when he cancelled on me at the last minute? Or did I need to be more flexible knowing that his job is very demanding and unpredictable? Who should make the next move? I feel like he’s pulling away (maybe due to my perceived lack of interest) and I’m really unsure about what (if anything) to do next.
Age: 42
City: Toronto
State: ON

 

Did I do the right thing by making a stand when he cancelled on me at the last minute?

No, you didn’t. You screwed up. This is a classic example of the way many men and women sabotage themselves by implementing tests. Everything appeared to be moving along nicely. Then you had to go and invoke some stupid rule and create a problem where there was none. Now he’s sitting back and waiting for you to initiate a date. So do it.

You’re sitting there waiting for a guy to screw up. When he doesn’t, you create a situation that you can point to and use as evidence that all men are this or that. You need to get over that. You can’t be looking for monsters around every corner.

I’m going to guess that your suspicion stems from the fact that this guy is younger than you. If the age difference was significant enough for you to be hesitant about dating him, I’m guessing he’s not just “a little” younger. He’s likely noticeably younger than you. If that is the case, then you should be suspicious of his motives. Two to three years? Eh, not a big deal. But if this guy is in his mid to late thirties, then you’re right to wonder what his intentions are. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date him. It just means that you should proceed with caution. This is one of those situations where critical thinking should come into play. Ask yourself this:

Why would someone his age want to date someone your age?

He could be totally sincere and interested in something substantive. You will only know that after you spend time with him. If you’re not able to set aside whatever questions you have about a man’s sincerity, then you should remove yourself from a situation. Give him a chance. A real one.

For the most part, the tests and traps that people use to determine someone’s character or interest prove nothing. All they provide is a false sense of confidence and security. They never consider that, as humans, we become adept and determining the right things to say and do in order to fulfill an agenda. It doesn’t matter if your goal is to get a free drink at a bar or get someone to commit or into bed. We say what we know people want to hear. We present ourselves in a specific light in order to get what we want. Sure, that guy will pay that bill or compliment you. Not because he’s so bowled over by your presence but because he knows not doing it will not get him what he wants. That’s what men and women do.

I have said this before: people who research their dates or who implement trite dating advice they’ve heard from charlatan dating coaches or their friends do so because they don’t trust themselves. They haven’t learned from their past mistakes. They don’t listen to whatever internal voice that that is telling them that something is wrong. I assume that the reason people do this is because they are hoping against hope that this Unicorn that has presented itself is real or because they need to prove something to themselves.

If you find yourself questioning somebody’s motives right off the bat, there’s a reason. That’s your brain poking at you and saying, ‘Hey…based on past experience and what we know to be typical, something about this isn’t right.”

I’ll say it again: Observe. Compare. Deduce.

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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Meeting Men, Men & Communication, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Does Bad Grammar & Punctuation Turn You Off?

March 12, 2013 by 48 Comments

An article over at XOJane yesterday got me thinking about how written communication has changed, especially due to technology and social media. I’ve said before that a lot of people – if not most – now access dating sites and social media platforms using mobile apps. As such, people are using smaller keyboards and writing/communicating on the go.

Unless you work for yourself, it’s not often that someone is sitting in an ergonomic chair with a huge screen and appropriately sized keyboard when they’re typing. Replying to messages isn’t usually done during working hours as most businesses monitor employees internet access. That forces folks to access websites via their phone. Sometimes we are on a bus or in a cab when we’re tapping out a response to a message or updating our profile. We might even be crossing the street. If you weren’t an English major or in a similar course of study where you were judged on the quality of your written work, what you know about grammar came from High School English class. Do you remember everything you learned in high school?

Contributing to this issue is that many news or content oriented websites take submissions from writers without offering payment or assistance with editing. What you end up with is an uptick in the bad grammar and usage that we now see on sites we consider to host professionally written material, sending a mixed message. Being restricted to using only a certain amount of characters also gets us in the habit of taking grammatical shortcuts. So what we have here, as the line goes, is a failure to communicate properly. Admittedly the breakdown in communication is a failure on our parts. No question. We’ve gotten lazy about how we present ourselves in writing.

Is this lack of concern truly indicative of our character or personality? Does a decision to send a message to a potential date without spell checking it really display a lack of genuine interest? Or is this just one more flimsy excuse that people use to blow someone off? Is this yet another faux test men and women use to determine a quality match?

I do tend to agree that poor grammar and usage is usually a sign of lower intelligence. But let’s define “poor.” Here is what I consider unacceptable:

  • Run on sentences with a total lack of punctuation
  • Multiple instances of misspelling words
  • All caps
  • Ur instead of your, etc – (This one is debateable.)

Writing in all lowercase doesn’t bother me. Nor do I care if someone uses “your” when they should use “you’re.” I think people have taken the whole “dating is like an interview” thing too far. Yes, if you were applying for a job then being more concerned with spelling and punctuation is appropriate and expected. There is a smaller margin of error when a person is submitting themselves for a position for which they are being paid. I’m not sure if you guys heard this but nobody is perfect. The people you date are not just a cog in a machine. They are human beings. That means that they, and you, will make mistakes. A lot of them. If you are someone who will dismiss somebody because they used too many ellipses, you might want to consider the possibility that you’re kind of insufferable, humorless and difficult. That kind of holier than thou attitude will kill every relationship you have.

The other thing to realize and accept is that, as D’Alias said in the comments recently, online dating isn’t what it used to be.  Truth? People just don’t care much anymore. Like ‘em. Don’t like ‘em. They believe that they have a vast number of options out there and therefore don’t have to bow to your whim. Whether or not that is true is irrelevant. That’s how many people think. They’ll blow you off, stop responding to emails, cancel dates, etc. They simply don’t care.

This isn’t to suggest that people should stop trying to make a good first impression. Of course we shouldn’t. What we do need to adjust is our expectations. Good for you that you never abuse commas. You win the internet! Some people do. Some people pay more attention to math or science.  Something else that needs to go is creating a back story as to why someone didn’t spell check before hitting send. That crap borders on paranoia and delusion. Given how people constantly complain about the lack of messages they get, isn’t it progress enough that someone took the time to reply or write at all?

Finally, can we also put a cease and desist on taking screen shots of poorly written messages and posting them to Twitter or on blogs? Can we stop taking content from people’s profiles and putting them on the internet entirely? Let me explain something to you: someone with bad grammar might not be the rocket scientist you feel you deserve, but a person who gets off publicly shaming and humiliating these people for something so innocuous and impersonal is far more hateable. Short of coming out and being hateful towards someone, people don’t deserve public floggings like that. That man or woman didn’t erect that profile or send you that message to push you down some shame spiral. If your life is so empty and your need for attention so bottomless that you have to do such things, you’ve hit on the main reason why you’re single. People need to stop indulging and encouraging that nonsense. That person you’re replying to with your “LOL!” is an asshole. Plain and simple.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Red Flags, Social Media, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Why People Can’t Get Away With Being So Picky Anymore

March 11, 2013 by 16 Comments

Name: Dale
Comment: Dear Moxie,
Two men were given my number as an introduction. One called at 10pm on a weeknight (within days of receiving my #), the other called at 10:10pm Thursday two-weeks later. The latter mentioned in his voicemail (because I didn’t take the call) that he had my # for two-weeks and had been in Miami on business & in search of a 2nd residency there. Miami is not in a different time zone than NY nor is it an international call. I think an initial call/meeting sets a tone. These calls showed a lack of consideration and respect calling at that hour – not to mention displaying a bit of social-misfit behavior in my opinion. I have no interest in meeting them – too harsh? You only get one chance to make a first impression….
Age: 42
City: New York
State: NY

 

So basically you’re in a snit because these two total strangers didn’t make more of an effort to show you how important you are?

Would you also like to dismiss them because they had a 646 exchange instead of a 917?

You live in NYC. Most people consider 10pm relatively early. If it were past 11 I could see your point, but you are just nit picking here. My guess is if these men had sent you a text at 8pm instead of calling that you would have had a problem with that, too. Sorry to be harsh (not really) but I don’t think it’s fair to expect men to know what your personal boundaries are without even knowing you. They don’t know that you find a 10pm phone call inappropriate. Maybe that’s the first time they had a quiet moment and some time to talk?

Here’s a novel concept: maybe it’s not all about you? Maybe you, like these men, have some impressing to do? Dale, the days of women sitting on patios under parasols as their gentleman callers approach are gone. You could be 22 or 42, being this picky is not going to serve you well. People can not get away with this anymore.

You have manufactured a back story about these two men that probably doesn’t exist. Personally, I think people do that for one reason only: they don’t really want a relationship. I call people like this Bottle Neckers. They clog up the dating highway with nonsensical behavior and beliefs.

Not everything starts off like some meet cute scenario in a rom com.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Meeting Men, Servicey!, Tests Tagged With: , , , ,

The Dating Games Are Over, Folks

March 6, 2013 by 19 Comments

Name: J
Comment: Hey Moxie,

I think I already know your thoughts on the subject, but I’ve been having a rather heated debate with friends recently and it seems we’re largely undecided when all opinions are weighed.  Since we can’t come to an agreement, I thought I’d pass the topic on to you for consideration.

Here’s the issue: Early on in a relationship, it seems you have a choice to either be “available and interested” or “reserved and coy” (people are obviously capable of falling anywhere in between but we’ll pretend they’re not for the sake of discussion).  Conventional wisdom tells you that you need to move “slowly” and not let people into your life so easily to avoid getting hurt, but myself (and a few of my friends) reject that wisdom in the name of good faith toward good people.  We believe that all relationships should start out on equal footing, and deliberately making yourself unavailable (by waiting to respond to txts/calls/emails or artificially filling your calendar) is a terrible way to achieve any kind of a meaningful partnership.  We tend toward doing the opposite in fact: breaking plans to make way for the new person, readily corresponding, and including them in our interests.

I consider all of my friends to be “good people” so from that small sample size, it appears that people worth dating live in both camps.  We’ve agreed to disagree on which method is “better” but one thing we can both agree on is this: it’s tragically frustrating when you meet someone (for dating) who’s in the opposite camp.  The values clash like titans on the battlefield and at least one person almost always ends up terribly confused (if not hurt).

So, what’s the method-of-choice?
Age: 28
City: Seattle
State: WA

 

As I’ve said many times now, the dating process has become more intensified. Ten years ago people could get away with saying they didn’t get a voicemail or haven’t had the time to reply to an email. Two to three days between phone calls was plausible. Now? Nope. Not having it. If someone allows for 24 hours to go by before responding to any email, they are not available or not interested. Game over.

Meeting people and forming connections has become too easy now. People no longer have to go out to get dates. All of it can be done while lying in bed and scrolling through various social media apps on your phone.

The days of waiting three days to call or not answering the first time someone rings you up are gone. In fact, all the staple dating rules that people yammer on and on about on the Interwebs are a thing of the past. Honest to God, my eyes gloss over every time I see a new blog post about how long a woman should wait to have sex or how a guy can “create mystery” or use “charisma” to meet women. All of it is dreck, written by people who haven’t a freakin’ clue what it’s actually like to date in today’s digital world. I read chat transcripts and blog posts and honestly feel like I’m sitting around a lunch table in the cafeteria in my high school. You have a bunch of women trying to out do each other in terms of how much attention they get from men and you have a bunch of feeble white knight-ish guys telling these women how awesome they are. It’s all awful and should be ignored, blocked, muted and avoided.

If you’re interested in somebody, you need to communicate that. Pronto. You needn’t be anxious or aggressive about it. All you need to do is state your intentions. No more multiple days worth of email messages. No more counting dates until you reach some imaginary number that will spare you the “slut” label. Now is the time to just act on your feelings while practicing common sense and critical thinking. Be smart, but be proactive. We are all replaceable, more so now than ever before. We are functioning in a semi-detached society. Not replying to an email on Match.com is the norm. People break up via text message. I hate to say this so bluntly, as it makes it sound somewhat hopeless, but we just can’t get as invested in all of this as easily and quickly as we used to.

Anybody who makes you wait for a response in some way simply isn’t interested enough to make it worth your effort. While it’s always prudent to give someone breathing room, a person needs to make their interest known as quickly as they can. If someone feels like they have to wait or delay the process, consider them questionable. I don’t believe this excuse that people do this to protect themselves. I believe people who use this excuse are just ambivalent about dating in general or seeking attention. The men or women who genuinely want to meet someone will react in kind and return the effort. It’s that simple.

There’s no such thing as “taking it slow” anymore. Any time a person says they need to “take it slow” they’re either communicating that they’re not that interested or not capable of having a relationship at that point. “Take it slow” is an acceptable way to say, “I need you to complete a series of tests before I will return the effort or interest.” That’s it. It’s a ruse.

No more over-thinking everything. Now is the time to act. No response from them?  Move on.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Date Outside Your Means, Dating, Dating 2.0, Social Rules of Dating, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Ladies: Stop Pretending You Have Standards

November 16, 2012 by 30 Comments

I had a similar experience recently and agree with Moxie’s assessment. Went out on a first date with a guy, had a great time (he was actually better looking in person than he was in his photos, which rarely happens). For the second date, he texted me *asking to come over to my place* so that we could make dinner. I know, I know — I shouldn’t have done it and would never make the mistake again. I *should* have done what the OP did and say “let’s save it for later” and suggested that we go out again. Problem was, I genuinely enjoy having people over sometimes as opposed to going out (more relaxed, etc) and so I let that cloud my judgment. He came over, we had fun, but by the end of it I just sort of felt ambivalent about him (ie, “meh”).

That was on a Sunday. On Friday, he texted me something that kind of blew my mind a little bit. “Enjoyed your apartment. Would be willing to come over again one eve.”

As Moxie has so aptly put it in previous posts: “lady boner gone.” Previously, I would have sent back some sort of snarky text saying “Oh, thank God. I’m so glad you would be *willing* to come over to my apartment to eat my food and sleep with me.” But in the end, I just ignored it and moved on. A gentleman who was truly interested in a relationship would have said something like, “thank you so much for having me over for dinner – would love to go out again,” and would have *called* me rather than sending the text he did. I’m not sure whether he thought he was being cute/funny, but I didn’t find it to be either of those things. Once I didn’t respond to that text, he disappeared. Before, that would have bothered me, too — but at this point, I’ve just decided that I’ll wait for someone who’s a gentleman and who has a modicum of class/manners. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it. I hate being single, and I hate having to be on these sites at my age. But I’d rather be single and still looking than settle for someone who’s “willing” to come over to my apartment. Sigh. Next… – Avery

 

Forgive my delay on this. I’ve been a bit jammed up after taking several days off and dealing with some stuff back home in Boston.

Okay. Let me break this one down for you.

Woman abandons her standards for really good looking guy. Hilarity ensues.

I don’t buy for a moment that Avery accepted his brazen invitation over to his place because she likes to entertain. She accepted it because he was good looking and charming. Then she was offended that the man who rudely invited himself over to her place didn’t behave like a “true gentleman” and call her to thank her properly for the meal and sex.  His text message, which might as well have just said, “Hey. Thanks for the sex!”, offended her because the underlying message of that text made it abundantly clear that this guy didn’t want anything beyond casual sex/short term dating. She wasn’t offended by the medium in which he used to contact her. She was offended that he didn’t say something that implied he wanted more than just sex.

All of this could have been avoided had she acknowledged that this guy wasn’t a “true gentleman” from the get go when he invited himself over to her apartment for a meal. PS? What the hell is up with that?  Why couldn’t he just invite her over to his place? Red flag, ladies.

Avery didn’t feel ambivalent about this guy. After they had sex, she slowly realized that this guy wasn’t genuinely interested beyond casually sleeping together. That’s what bothered her. Women like to act like they’re the ones who lost interest, and I truly believe they believe that is the case, but I’d bet nine times out of ten they’re just looking to spare themselves the embarrassment of admitting they have been had.

If you want a guy with class and manners, don’t sleep with men who invite themselves over to your apartment for a second date. There. Easy peasy Japanesey. You can’t say you have standards and refuse to be treated like some bimbo they met in a bar and then justify letting a man do just that. The guy was good looking. There’s your answer for why all of this happened. He was good looking and interesting and charming and omigod grab on to his ankles before he gets loose! He’s one guy. You can spit and hit a man just like that at any given moment. Also stop thinking that you’re doing men a favor by “looking past the physical.” If you’re doing it, other women are doing it. If you find a man physically unappealing but are enamored with his charm and accomplishments, you’re still being shallow. Don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back.

If you want to have standards, have standards. But standards only prevent you from being used and abused if you stick to them consistently. The whole “I refuse to settle” argument is so flimsy and disingenuous. Avery, you did settle.You did. If you said that you weren’t willing to settle further, I’d agree with you. But you did settle. Stop listening to all your girlfriends who say not to change anything about yourself and to hold out for a guy who meets your expectations and who gives you the butterflies and whatevs. If you want a relationship you’re going to have to settle in some way. That’s it.

Sorry there’s no happy ending there. By 35 or so, if you’re still holding out for love and promises and commitment, you’re going to have to make some serious compromises.Either that or get very, very comfortable with the idea of not being in a serious relationship.

 

 

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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Dating, Reader Rant, Red Flags, Tests, Whine of The Week Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Spring Fever Is A Great Excuse To Have Sex..Or Not

May 17, 2012 by 3 Comments

It seems I have developed a bit of a food allergy. I think. I hope. The right side of my tongue and my right hand/arm are tingly. Overall, I’m feeling a bit wonky and weak. I never get sick. When I do it kinda wipes me out. In any case, I don’t feel up to writing a full post. This was originally written Apr 4, 2011. The post generated 76 comments. Since we appear to have a whole new batch of readers, I’m going to repost this. PS? Last night a good friend of mine made me a delish salmon dinner. (The suspected culprit of aforementioned wonky-ness.) We were standing outside his building, enjoying the view (see pic at right) before we went for a walk, when Jude Law walked right past us. Omigodomigodomigod. Talk about enjoying the view.

Name: M. | | Location: New York , NY |Question: I met a guy about 6 weeks ago who I really like. We’ve had 4 dates so far, despite the fact that he’s made 5 business trips to the West coast during this time. Considering the weekends that he’s had with his teenaged kids (he’s divorced) and the time spent traveling, it seems he’s made an effort to try to see me as often as he reasonably can. We always have a great time: great conversations and blistering chemistry. There are calls, texts, emails from him every few days or so.

We got tickets to see a play this upcoming Sunday. It’s a matine (2pm) and in the email where I accepted his invitation I said how cool it would be to wake up together in the city (he lives in NJ) and walk across town to a matinee then a have a great dinner. I also added “not a suggestion…just dreaming out loud”. I did this because although our time together always includes heavy petting and kissing, our emails and texts are always platonically friendly and I felt like adding a bit of romance to one for a change, in a fit of Spring fever. He had already invited me to go on one of his trips with him but I declined, and he had also invited me to spend the night at his place, which I also declined. My image of waking up together was maybe to let him know that I was thinking along those lines for the future, if not now. I admit that I didn’t really give it much thought before sending it.

He didn’t respond to the email (which I didn’t expect him to do, since there was no question in it) but in a phone call a few days later he says, in passing, how much he’s looking forward to Saturday and Sunday together. I was confused since we didn’t have plans for Saturday, so he brought up my email, which surprised me since I forgot about it as soon as I hit ‘send’. I remember stuttering something about how I did write that it wasn’t a suggestion, but he said that it sounded like such a good idea. Since I really, really hate discussing anything serious over the phone so early on I let the matter drop. Now as the time is approaching he mentions again how much he’s looking forward to our weekend together. He mentioned going out in Manhattan Saturday night, both of us going back to his place in NJ, making brunch together Sunday morning then driving back to the city for the play.

Moxie, the problem is that I don’t feel connected enough to him to sleep with him (and spending the night with a guy who lives 30 minutes away and not sleeping with him seems a bit silly to me). Yes, I am turned on by him physically, but at this point if I never heard from him again I would just think of “that cool sexy guy what’s-his-name…too bad nothing came of it”. I really enjoy sex with a guy I care for, but don’t really care to have sex with a guy I barely know. I’m seeing other guys (not having sex with them either) and as far as I know he’s seeing other women and if he’s not it’s because his schedule’s been too busy. At this point I don’t really care if he’s seeing other women: we’re still getting to know each other. Six weeks would ordinarily be long enough, I suppose, if he hadn’t been travelling, and if our phone calls had been more than brief chats to check in and exchange pleasantries.

How do I tell him that I’m not ready to sleep with him? I’m perfectly fine with the way thing are going, and don’t want to imply otherwise. I’m afraid any explanation will send the wrong signal: I’m not putting him off because I don’t want him or like him. I’m just not ready for sex with him. I don’t want to tell him this in an email or over the phone. I can’t wait to see him (it will have been three weeks since our last date) but is it fair to meet him on Saturday and then tell him that we can go out that day and again the next day, but we’re not having sex? Should I call him beforehand and tell him, or cancel our plans for Saturday? (I cancelled one date on him already because of illness). I really dread inserting a note of confusion into something that’s going so well so far. No need to tell me all of this was my fault for bringing up the romantic scenario in the first place…I’ve already given myself enough lashes for that one! How should I handle this without changing the fun vibe between us? |Age: 40

I’m not sure you can put this particular genie back in the bottle, I’m afraid. This guy is going to feel like he’s being used and manipulated.

Six weeks would ordinarily be long enough, I suppose, if he hadn’t been travelling, and if our phone calls had been more than brief chats to check in and exchange pleasantries.

Okay. Which is it. You start off by saying he’s made a great deal of effort and seem impressed by that. But here you seem to be downplaying the effort and time you’ve spent getting to know him.

Yes, I am turned on by him physically, but at this point if I never heard from him again I would just think of “that cool sexy guy what’s-his-name…too bad nothing came of it”.

If you were as detached as you implied, you wouldn’t be trying to be romantic with him. You just wouldn’t. You said it yourself in the opening of your letter. You really like him. Again, you’re contradicting yourself. I don’t think this is a matter of you not knowing if you like this man. I think you’re afraid he doesn’t like you. I also believe you’re afraid you’re going to have sex with him and he’s going to disappear. You know what? He might. He might never call you again. He could be dating Lord knows how many other women and spending alternate weekends with them. This is fear at work. But fear of what?

I understand the need to be comfortable with a man in order to have sex with them. But more often than not, this is a bullshit excuse women use when what they’re really wanting is proof the guy isn’t going to leave them. Well, you’re never going to get that. A man or woman can make all kinds of promises and still leave.Let me explain something to you…regardless of whether you have sex with him, if he’s going to bail, he’s going to bail. The sex isn’t going to be a factor.

Well, other than not having it. That will be a factor. Especially now since you put it on the table. Most people – male or female – would interpret “I want to wake up with you” as “I want to have sex with you.”

I really enjoy sex with a guy I care for, but don’t really care to have sex with a guy I barely know.

But…the chemistry is “blistering.” How do you build such intense chemistry with a man you’re so lukewarm about and barely know? Once more, you’re contradicting yourself. You go from saying that the chemistry is blistering to saying that the phone conversations you have are merely an exchange of “pleasantries.”

I’m not putting him off because I don’t want him or like him. I’m just not ready for sex with him.

Well, I guess the first thing you need to do is figure out why, exactly, you’re not ready for sex with him. You’ll spend two days with him. You’ll sleep over. You’ll engage in heavy petting. So what’s the block? Because I don’t buy for a minute it’s that you aren’t sure how you feel about this man.   I’m going to throw this out there….do you think you canceled one of the dates to see if he would follow up and reschedule with you? You know..a test of his interest? I’m just asking you to consider this possibility.

The problem with tests is that more often than not they don’t work. Well, they do, but not in the way you think. Now, should things not work out, you will have a specific incident to refer to to explain why this guy never calls again. At least this way you’ll know instead of wondering what you did wrong or what happened. Now you have some control in the dissolution of this relationship. Which is better than torturing yourself, right?

Wrong.

You messed up here. You know it. The question is why. Sure, this guy might be understanding and get past this. Which would probably “prove” to you how invested he is. I think that’s what you’re looking for, whether you know it or not.You’re looking for proof. And this very well might be a test. Or you’re not really interested in having a relationship at all. We said in yesterday’s post that there are a slew of men who date who know, either consciously or unconsciously, that they don’t really want  a relationship. there’s a growing number of women who are doing the exact same thing.

The only way to save this situation is to be totally honest with him. Talk to him about it. Explain what you’re feeling. That is the only way to save this. But you’re going to have to willing to be honest with yourself first. Do you really want to try and salvage this? Because if you don’t, then stop wasting this man’s time. This letter was  a series of excuses and contradictions.

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Filed Under: Dating, Sex, sexuality, Signs of Interest, Tests Tagged With: , , , , , ,