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She’s Just Not That Into You, Bro

February 21, 2013 by 43 Comments

Name: Mark
Age: 31
State: CA
Question: Super Responsive but No Initiation Whatsoever

Hey there, love your column and would also love your advice on something.

I recently went out on a few dates with this girl who I met a few months ago.  We met at a bar in LA and she actually gave me her number without me asking.  We texted a bit back and forth and finally decided to meet up.  She lives in a suburb of LA so our commutes were a bit of a pain, but we managed over the course of the past 2 months to have 3 really nice dates, spaced out in 2 week intervals on Saturday nights.  Nice places, great times, and impromptu post-dinner visits to bars and even a random comedy show.

Now I’d like to think I’m a guy that “generally” gets when a girl is into me and when she’s not.  I’m not like a lot of the guys that write to you complaining about women and the plight of the dating world.  I had a great time with her and I do want to see her again.  And I forgot to mention, all 3 dates we ended out making out/necking/petting and sometimes dancing in public but never going back to each other’s places (the commute issue).  I also left each of those dates pretty happy about how things went.

If you’re of the belief that most people exhibit rational behavior when dating, to not only advance their own interests but make the other party know what they’re thinking/feeling without saying it, then this girl would be the exception.  She was super sweet, cool, classy, and respectful during the 3 dates, and is a relatively successful career woman and well educated.  Nothing in her behavior indicated anything to the contrary.   However, there’s been one problem: while she is very responsive to all of my contact, she has never once initiated anything.  No text, call, email, anything.  I feel like if I never reached out I’d never hear from her again.  Once I do reach out, boom, I plan a date and we’re all set.

After our 3rd date, a few issues came up with our schedules and we haven’t been able to set it up for something more.  Every time I’m free, she’s not, and vice versa.  But every time this is even decided, it’s me reaching out.  (I’m a text guy, not a call guy).  As I got more confused, I decided to wait several days without contacting her.  Still nothing.  Then I sent her a text, and she sends a flirty response within 2 minutes.  Bunch of flirting back and forth.  Then I say we should hang out this coming weekend. “I can’t next few weeks but definitely at some point.”

I’m just not used to behavior like this so I don’t know how to read it.  Not interested? Just very aloof? Has a bf so thinks she can ‘back pocket’ me? Leading me on, but getting what out of it? I definitely dont text her every day, sometimes going almost a week, and never more than a few back and forths, so it can’t just be for attention.

At this point I’m just kind of exhausted.  It’d be nice to go out again, but I don’t know if I can deal with this kind of contact style for the foreseeable future.  I also haven’t mentioned any of this to her because it’ll come off as needy.  I think it’s a little bit like your passive aggressive email article, but we’ve been on 3 dates and given the flirtiness and responsiveness I don’t see this as a “pissing contest”.  If it’s a ploy to get me more attracted it’s not working, it’s just confusing.  On the other hand if she’s not interested, she should just stop responding and let it run its natural course by fizzling it out.

 

I’m leaning towards thinking she’s not terribly interested. The commute, as you said, is somewhat of a pain and it’s not like you two can just pop by each other’s apartment’s or make last minute plans. You’re fun to hang out with when she has nothing better to do. As I’ve always said, if both parties want sex, they have it, distance or lack of condoms be damned.

If her schedule is so busy that she can’t make time for you for two weeks, that’s a pretty good indication of how she feels about you. That’s actually  polite way of telling you she’s moderately interested at best. That’s how a lot of people handle these types of situations. Will she hang out with you if she doesn’t get a better offer? Sure. She’s not repulsed by you. My guess is the distance isn’t ideal so she’s keeping you on her roster, as some people are wont to do. She’s not totally ready to dismiss you, as she might have a dating dry spell. But she’s not going to move mountains to get together with you. Her message is mixed and inconsistent. She’s busy…but she totally still wants to get together. You’re right. That’s exhausting to try and decipher let alone deal with on a regular basis.

I think a lot of women tend to believe that the man is supposed to initiate contact and be the one to make plans. That’s a test to see just how interested the man is. The funny thing is, a woman doesn’t even have to be all that interested in a man to make them pass this test. It’s all about the ego stroke. The making out and petting are just empty gestures, much like the post-sex for the first time text or paying a tab. They are things men and women do because they know it’s expected and will grease the wheels of progress, so to speak. If she wanted you, really desired you, she’d have jumped you by now or made it quite clear she wanted to have sex with you.

She’s just not that into you, brah.

 

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Filed Under: Critical Thinking, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating 2.0, Dating In a Big City, Geographically Undesirable, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Dealing With The Passive Aggressive Email Dater

February 13, 2013 by 36 Comments

 

When is it okay to say something about how long it takes for a guy to respond to a text or email? I’ve been out with the guy in question twice. He sometimes takes a whole day (as in 24 hrs) to reply to emails. – Georgia, 38, NYC

 

I’d need a little more to go on here. In general, I find a long lapse in response to an email to be a not so good sign. There’s just no excuse for someone to not be able to reply to a message within a few hours at least. I can’t stand when people say that they’re “so busy!” and that’s why they haven’t sent a response. Orly? That busy? Wow. You’re so important! I’ll just sit here eagerly awaiting your response while you carve out the 38 seconds it would take to write a reply.

There’s usually an underlying message to the lack of a message. They’re trying to tell you something without telling you while probably trying to maintain their image as a “good person.” They’re hoping you get the hint and go away quietly.

Passive aggression. I hate it. I hate it more than I hate Facebook status updates about what someone had for lunch.

The most frustrating part of being on the receiving end of that behavior is that if you speak up and say anything, it just gets worse. You become the “crazy” one. You’re not sympathetic to their situation. You’re selfish.

The lapse in response time and disappearing during a conversation is done to create a sense of urgency and incite confusion and insecurity. It’s often a power play, and it’s really, really destructive to someone’s self-esteem. It’s especially unhealthy if, like me, you’re confrontational. I only had to be involved with one passive aggressive guy to learn very quickly that a relationship with someone like that will not end well for me. It just becomes this ongoing pissing contest.

The true sign of passive aggression is that when a person is called on it they will respond with something particularly hurtful. The goal in such cases is to subdue you. You’re on to them, they know it, and now they feel trapped. Ignore whatever it is that they say. Remember, it’s said with the intention of slicing your psychological Achilles heel. They’ll identify your weakness and exploit it to your advantage. Especially if you’ve constructed a well informed argument. That’s why I hate to see you or anybody else put yourself in a vulnerable position so early in the game. Some things men and women just have to suck up for a bit until there’s a genuine comfort level.

My honest advice to you is to stop contacting this guy all together. By not replying in a timely fashion, he’s telling you where you fall on the priority list. That’s not to imply that you should be high a top the list after two dates. That’s an unreasonable expectation. However, if he was genuinely interested in keeping you around in some way he’d at least do I what I refer to as “investing.” Investing can take many forms. It can be the weekly text from someone you met online, sent “just to say hi”, but never leads to setting up an actual date. It can be a few word response to an email you sent. Investing involves making the bare minimum of effort just to maintain a line of communication and contact.

At best, I would think this guy is moderately interested. I’d suggest sitting back and waiting to see if he follows up with you at some point. In the interim, hop online or go out and meet other people.

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating is Fun, Dating The Crazy, Servicey!, Social Rules of Dating, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Know That Your Privates Are Private?

October 20, 2012 by 17 Comments

I had a brief back and forth with Petite Provocateur (@LaProvocateur) on Twitter yesterday. We were debating  a point in this article.

And, when it comes to making porn together, Spencer Burnett recommends that this only happen in an incredibly trusting relationship. This is because guys share everything (yes, that even includes those naughty little sexts that you send him late at night) so, eventually, your little movie session will get out.

There were a few points in this article that I thought were utter nonsense, but this was the main one. Maybe it’s because I’m an Old and most of the men I date are late thirties to early fifties, but I simply don’t believe that grown men do this sort of thing. My girlfriends don’t even discuss much of their sex lives with me and vice versa. I don’t know. I think there comes a point where you just no longer need the validation from peers. Since I keep all of my old phones and laptops, I still have sexts, emails and pics from past relationships/flings/hook ups. Other than an inane email exchange I had with someone from my past several months ago written with the intention of proving his innocence to someone else, I highly doubt such conversations are being distributed to third parties.

I see women on Twitter talking about cock shots and comparing notes/passing hem around. But in those cases those men who sent such photos want them to get out. They’re digital flashers. The send such photos with the intention of offending and shocking women so that they’ll post such pics to Twitter or show them off at their next cocktailing session. (See what I did there?)

Whether it’s physical or emotional nudity, if you put it out there, you want it seen. You want it discussed.You want the eyeballs. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t put it out there. We want the criticism and the adoration and the hate and the love. Pretending we don’t is disingenuous. I was reading a profile one on OKCupid. The guy decided that was the place to reveal that, when he was younger, his apartment was broken in to and he was tied up and abused by the burglar and was only saved because a visitor dropped by his apartment. (*crinkles eyebrows in doubt*)Then he adds that he doesn’t want to discuss this horrible situation on a date and asks that woman not ask him about it should they meet.Um..what?

Anyhoo, back to the original point.

I don’t believe that mature men share private or intimate details of their sex lives with their friends.

There was one other point that was brought up in my Twitter chat that I thought would make for interesting discussion.

My experience is to the contrary. I’m quite sure even my bf has shared a photo or two with his one closet friend.

ATWYSingle's avatar
ATWYSingle @ATWYSingle

Then you should break up with your boyfriend.

 

I’m not sure I’d be so calm if I knew my guy was showing his friends our sexts or pics we sometimes send to each other. That would make me feel like I was just something ornamental to him. Not functional. It could be that that is a particular kink (exhibitionism)  that both parties in a couple share, so it works.   Kind of like dating someone who likes being written about or discussed publicly. The writer fulfills their partner’s exhibitionist tendencies by talking about the partner in a public forum. I’ve always found that people who enjoyed that sort of thing were particularly self-involved and immature. That’s why I always turn down/avoid any guy who tells me, without me asking, that I can write about them. To each his own on that one. I’m sure for some it can work. It just never worked for me.

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Filed Under: Article Roundup 2, Date Like a Man, Dating, Red Flags, Sex, sexuality, Social Media, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Men – Admit It. Some Of You Like Bitchy Women.

September 28, 2012 by 20 Comments

Name: John
Age: 45
State: NY
Question: I was wondering if you could address this small issue for me. After a first date, if I want to see the girl again, I ask her to text me that she got home OK. Most of my first dates are at night and the girl drives to the place to meet me. I especially ask her to do this if the weather is bad and I wanted to see her again.

My thoughts on this issue is that if the girl was into me, she would think it was a nice request. If she wasn’t into me, it would be a bother. Therefore, I feel that I have nothing to lose. But I am wondering if I really do have something to lose. Would a girl actually think, “I liked this guy but he already wants to hear back from me 20 minutes after we just parted?”. Is there a chance she could have that thought process even if she wanted to see me again?

I suppose it is no surprise that the girls who gave a curt text “home” never responded to my followup calls/text in subsequent days and the ones who texted more robust “I got home safe. Hope you did too” always led to more dates with her. I am thinking this is a barometer to gauge the girl’s level of interest, but wanted to hear if you agree or had a guy ask that of you too.

So I am asking your advice on whether I should continue to ask for a “safe home” text after a first date or just let it be?

 

I would save this gesture for extreme situations only. Yes, it’s sweet and all…but it could come across as a little too much to a lot of women. I can remember being on a date a couple of years ago. A first date. We agreed to meet for a glass of wine. He wanted to extend that into dinner. So we ordered food – Italian. I had mentioned earlier that I needed to pop a pill because I have acid reflux. Dinner came and we began to eat. We were just a few bites in before he said, “Sweetie, did you remember to take your stomach medication?”

Was it a sweet gesture? I guess. To me, it felt forced and like he was trying too hard to force a familiarity that wasn’t established yet. It immediately turned me off. Something about it felt phony and disingenuous.

You’re right that a curt “home” text alerting you that they arrived home safely is indicative of their interest and attitude. Which is why, when you get such a response, you shouldn’t bother asking them out again.The fact that you do that really should concern you.

This is your third letter to me. (See first one here, second one here.) I realize that you’re back in the dating scene after a marriage and subsequent divorce. One of the things you need to learn is to be less concerned about what these women you take out think. You need to preset your self as, well, more of a “man.” In return, these women you take out appear to run rough shot over you or treat you poorly. That’s because they smell blood in the water.  They can sense that you’re rather lost when it comes to dating and they are taking advantage of that. Basically, you need to stop coming off so weak. I’m telling you, the minute we sense weakness, we will trample right over it.

There are women out there who get off at emasculating men. Sometimes they do it to the man’s face or behind his back. It’s all about wanting to believe that they are far more desirable and intoxicating than they really are. It’s also about one upping their girlfriends over cocktails. You can’t give in to their demands right away. You want to be flexible and accommodating…but not right away. Learn the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Women want an assertive man. The ones who don’t have a mean to cruel streak a mile long. Getting a twatty “home” text when she arrives safely at her residence should tell you what kind if a person she is. I don’t care whether you’re interested or not. If you can’t muster the effort to be polite, that alone should explain why you’re single.

I’ll throw this out there as well. Like I said earlier, this is your third letter to me, despite the fact that you have often and repeatedly insulted me or gotten angry at my advice. (Seriously, dude. Didn’t you call me fat just a month ago?) So I have to wonder if there is something about the dynamic between you and these aggressive women that you like that causes you to consistently meet and date them. It might not even be a conscious choice on your part.

People don’t continue to repeat a pattern or dynamic unless there is something about that dynamic that works for them.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, Dating Skills, Friend Zone, Get Women, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Is Looking For a Man Who Will Commit A Waste of Time?

September 5, 2012 by 66 Comments

Name: Becky
Age: 23
State:
Question: I’ve never had a relationship longer than 2 months. When I was younger it wasn’t big deal to me, but now it’s getting frustrating. About myself, looks wise I want to say I’m higher than average, I’m in shape, very feminine, and I have a great job in sales, this translates me to having great communication skills and can carry on a conversation with anyone without dominating the conversation. I typically never have a problem getting a first date, second date or even third. However getting past that is hard with someone I genuinely think I could see myself with. Obviously, I realize I’m the common factor here. I’ve thought of 3 things I’m thinking could be the issue, but I’m wondering if there is something you can give me insight in that I’m not seeing.

1.      I’m terrible at the playing hard to get. When I think someone is equally interested in me I get really excited and start to text them as much as I would a good friend and I text a lot. I think this over eagerness sometimes might be scaring guys off.

2.      I’m really bad about jumping into bed with people on the 2nd or 3rd date. Sometimes I wonder if I had waited longer and made sure there was a deeper connection maybe they would have respected me more to want to develop a relationship with me.

3.      I’m not sure I’m dating the right type of guys. I usually date guys much older than myself. The youngest guy I’ve dated in awhile is 30, but usually they are in their mid-30s. I like to think I’m attracted to the older guys because they are more stable and in a place I don’t feel like many people my age are, but I am. I also pick guys who I don’t feel like would be up to my standards (intellectually, education, job, multiple kids), but I like to give them a chance. I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt and usually my gut about those guys was correct to begin with.

Are any of these a giant red flag that I shouldn’t be doing? Or maybe you’ve picked up on it being something completely different I haven’t even figured out yet. I just want to start dating again, but I want to do it better and more successfully. Thank you.

 

Before I answer your questions, I wanted to include a posting in a list serv I belong to called Help a Reporter. The gist of the list serv is that writers post story and article ideas and ask for feedback and contributions from writers, experts and lay people. Here’s one post that was in yesterday’s newsletter:

I’m writing an article for Match.com’s Happen mag about the
two-month mark as a relationship milestone that many
relationships just can’t make it past. What is it about the
8-week point that can bring on the fizzling of interest?

 

The first thing you should know is that your experience is not atypical. The two-month mark appears to be the norm nowadays. With all the options out there, people don’t have to commit as quickly, if at all. Many men and women actually like dating multiple people and casually dating. It works for them. The simple reason why it’s harder to find a man to commit is because there are fewer men willing to or interested in committing. If women continue to look for those needles in the haystack, they need to understand that that search is going to take much, much longer than they originally expected. If it’s commitment they want, and they’re dating on a schedule, they best get comfortable with the idea of “settling.”

Now, as for the three points you mentioned might be working against you.

Whether you text “too much” is subjective. I don’t know how these men are responding or the frequency of their responses. As a general rule of thumb, I don’t prolong text conversations and pay attention to cues. If his responses are clipped or delayed, I keep the conversation short and sweet. If he seems as engaged as I do, then I just enjoy the back and forth. Typically, though, I save most communication for when we’re together or on the phone. I do think it’s wise to be a little less available. There’s no harm in maintaining  some mystery. Don’t let the guy know you’re hooked. You can let him know you’re interested. Just don’t play your hand too soon and let him know you’re ga ga.

As for the sex….that’s probably not an issue either. The idea that a man likes a challenge and will lose interest if you sleep with him too soon is a fallacy developed by women and insecure men. The more accessible women make sex, the less valuable it becomes in the dating market place. That means that sex is no longer the bargaining chip or “prize” that can be used to get certain behavior from men. Hence why so many women are trying to poison the well by telling women they need to keep their legs closed or risk never finding a manz. The idea of a “deep connection” and wanting to be recognized for “sharing your body” are romantic notions also manufactured by women. In other words, most men don’t think like that. So unless you’re attaching inordinate expectations to the sex, the sex itself isn’t the problem either. As long as you’re not romanticizing the act of having sex with a man and aren’t using it to gain something other than pleasure, you’re fine.

Your third point is more troubling. You’re admitting that you choose inappropriate men, yet you’re confused as to why these men aren’t sticking around. They’re not sticking around because they aren’t appropriate for you. Sure, you might think that they are more on your level in terms of stability and education. But they likely don’t feel the same about you. If anything, they’re dating you because you’re not mature enough.  We’ve discussed this before. Men don’t look too closely at a woman’s earning potential or education level when trying to determine compatibility. Those things fall pretty low on the list of priorities. You’re fun to hang out with and bang for a few months. Ultimately, the difference in maturity levels and lifestyles become too apparent to them. If they’re looking for someone to be the mother to their children, that driven career woman side of you is a negative. They’d rather find someone who wouldn’t mind putting their career on hold for a few years. So they’ll settle down with a woman who has already achieved a certain level of professional success or someone with no real career aspirations.

I think you’re biggest challenge is your ego and what you think you deserve. I think you tend to see yourself with a specific type of person. Someone who you feel is on your level. The problem is that most of the men you appear to pursue don’t find any of the things you find important as important. To them, you’re pretty much just a hot 23 year old. You’re fun for awhile, but then they find someone they can take seriously.

My advice is to start dating men who are more appropriate for you and get a clear understanding of what men consider important and attractive. Your diploma, job, apartment, etc are pretty much irrelevant to these men. You also need to understand, especially amongst the men you tend to gravitate towards, that commitment isn’t a priority. Either accept the fact that you’re going to be part of a harem or readjust your expectations as to what you “deserve.” And PS? You can develop your own harem, you know. Men did not corner the market on that idea. You’re 23 and really attractive. Jesus. Work it. Enjoy it. You can date a handful of guys that each meet a specific need. Just understand that if settling down and having kids is a priority, you’re going to have to make some sacrifices and compromises eventually.

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Book, Dating, Dating In a Big City, First Impressions, Hook Up Culture, Meeting Men, Monogamy, Sex, sexuality, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

How To Know When You’re Just An Option

August 21, 2012 by 32 Comments

Name: Bad Habits
Age: 22
State: Florida
Question: Ok so i met this guy outside of my work. Well he’s in the painting business and as soon as i met him and got his number he left for Detroit for family and work. Well we texted everyday talked on the phone every night. It went on for 2 Weeks straight. We got to know each other rather quickly. I understood he is eight years older than me but i liked his personality alot and understood his past. He started calling me baby and babe. Telling me how much he can’t wait till he comes home to my arms. Then one day after texting him good morning, never heard from him all day. He finally texted me saying been working all day call you later. Ok got it.. Well nothing at all that night or the next day or the next day. I don’t understand this? He just up and stopped talking to me, makes no sense what so ever. Yea well i broke down and tried calling him, no answer, texted him nothing. I’ve had this happen to me before and i still don’t understand it? I mean if you met someone, awesome! But i wish these men won’t leave me hanging. They pretty much tell me everything i want to hear and they just leave. I don’t understand why this keeps happening? Is it me? Or is it them? Need help!!

 

Well, let me ask you this. What is it that you want from these guys? Here’s a guy who is not only 8 years older than you (at 22 that’s a big age difference) but he moved hundreds of miles away for a job. It’s not clear how long you had known him before he moved or what transpired or whether he’s coming back.

We got to know each other rather quickly.

No. You didn’t. You might have gotten an idea of who this man is, but you did not get to know this person via phone and text over the course of a few weeks. He showed you the person he wanted you to see. That’s it. And now you’ve seen another side of him. The side that doesn’t care if his behavior hurts your feelings. Still like him? Oh wait. You do.

You’re romanticizing this relationship. My guess is this isn’t the first time, either. That’s part of the problem. You’re assuming that things mean as much to him as they do to you. You develop expectations of these men because you have told yourself that you and he have some sort of special connection because you managed to have a conversation every night for 2 weeks. That’s not a great connection. That just means you’ve been able – for all of two weeks – to hold this guy’s attention for a consistent series of minutes. That’s it. And to prove to you that this connection is not real, I present Exhibit A: he blew you off. Now, if you and he truly got to know each other and developed a genuine level of intimacy or connection, do you think he’d be ignoring your calls and texts? Does that make sense to you? It shouldn’t. If you find yourself believing his transparent excuses, you need to stop and ask yourself if his behavior matches up to his words.

This is reminiscent of last week’s post about Red Flags. If the man in that story was truly the woman’s friend, he wouldn’t have lied to her. We like to insist that we really did mean something to someone, even though they may have profoundly hurt or embarrassed us, because the truth is just too hard to admit. We meant very little to them. We were a distraction. That’s it.

But i wish these men won’t leave me hanging. They pretty much tell me everything i want to hear and they just leave.

That should tell you that you never meant anything to them in the first place. If this keeps happening, then that should make you aware of the fact that people can tell you exactly what you want to hear for as long as it benefits them and then dump you. This is what you need to realize so that you don’t continue to invest time or emotion in men like this.

The trick is to not get invested in this kind of attention. I’m betting that’s the draw for you, whether you realize it or not. You like the idea of having some guy out there thinking of you and talking to you. Hon, he’s nobody. He’s nothing. He’s a voice on the other end of the line. He provides you with nothing but words. You can get that anywhere, anytime. Start thinking of these men as replaceable as they consider you until they give you genuine reason for you to give them more consideration. They should never be more than options to you before that. That doesn’t mean you should be rude, thoughtless or insensitive. What I’m suggesting is that you learn how to become more detached in the beginning of these situations. Bottom line? These guys don’t care about you and possibly don’t even like or are attracted to you. You are nothing but a source of attention for them. Guys can and will engage a woman simply because they like the ego stroke.

Last week someone commented that I have a bad habit of raining on the parade of women who are holding out for a happy ending. No. What I try to do here is prevent women from deluding themselves and listening to their equally deluded girlfriends so as to prevent them from humiliating themselves.

There is no happy ending here. Just like there was no happy ending for the woman in this post. And whether or not some people agree, sometimes things are very black and white and sometimes it’s incredibly easy to predict the outcome of certain situations without meeting someone. People like to believe in the whole “gray area theory” because they want that non-existent happy ending. 9 times out of 10, there is no gray area. The writing is on the wall. The only ones who can’t see it are the people whose egos are in the way.  They have to be right. They can not admit that they misread a situation or gave too much to someone who didn’t deserve it. Many times it’s not even about getting the guy/girl. It’s about winning. There is no winning in situations like this. None. These people end up sacrificing great amounts of their self-esteem/respect just so they can say they “caught’ someone or they taught someone a lesson.

Let me tell you this. Self-esteem and self-respect is very easy to give up, but it’s incredibly difficult to get back. Consider that the next time you feel some overwhelming need to “win.”

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Filed Under: Getting Too Invested Too Soon, Managing Expectations, Men & Conflict, Texting, The Fade Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How To Avoid The Online Dating Attention Whore

July 16, 2012 by 6 Comments

Name: Kelly
Age: 43
State: AL

I  have a question about online daters doing this: They email, you chat a bit, you give them the number, you text a bit, you might even talk “live and in person.”  Then, instead of saying, hey, I’m still texting/emailing you, I’m expressing interest in you, I’d like to meet you, are you free Fri/Sat, they come out with “Hey, how’s your weekend shaping up/” Or “Got any big plans this weekend?” What the eff is that lol?  And also the everyday texting of “How’s your day going?” Are they scared/passive aggressive or just time wasters/getting a thrill out of having women interested in them?

 

I don’t think they’re scared or passive aggressive. I would guess that they are time wasters. I would also guess that some of these guys are sending out mass texts to multiple women waiting to see who replies first.

You  always have the options of asking them out, you know. There’s no rule that says he has to do it. But, like I said to you last week, you play into this. You play their game. You don’t assert any control in the situation. You are a passive participant in the process. So I have to ask you if maybe you, like these guys, get off on the attention as well.

I know. No, really. I know!

As I’ve said before, I don’t really understand why some people always seem to have these “frustrating” situations happen to them. I don’t get how it’s possible one person can have so many similar experiences, other than they somehow participate in the outcome.

Kelly, you’re a time waster too. You just don’t know it. You think you’re available, but you’re not. That’s why these situations keep repeating themselves over and over. You, like these men, just want attention.

Online dating sites are chock full of people like this. How can you avoid them?

1. Do not contact anybody who doesn’t seem truly invested in the process or seems too difficult - That means:

  • No emailing people who barely fill out their profile
  • No emailing people who post just ONE photo (huge clue!)
  • No messaging people with verbose, lengthy, self-important profiles
  • No contacting someone who states in their profile that they don’t check the site often/are just checking this out, etc.
  • No contacting people who tell you they’re just out of a relationship
  • No emailing people with disclaimers/challenges in their profiles (“Don’t email me if../If you do XYZ then we probably won’t get along”)

2. Ask them out - By email three, that invitation should be extended. If they aren’t willing to make at least a tentative plan right then, or in any way put you on the shelf, move on.

3. Don’t give them your phone number too soon- You should not be giving out your phone number until the a couple days before your date. That date should be written in ink on your calendar. Then and only then should you give them your number.

4. No pre-date flirty banter - Seriously. If they send you a text asking how you are or or your day is going, be polite in your response but then cut off that conversation. Say you’re off to the gym or a meeting. Do not give them an in or encouragement of any kind that you’re open to chatting. To me, the whole texting thing is a huge red flag. Maybe there was as time when flirty texts/extensive email exchanges were a normal or positive part of the process. But I honestly feel as though, at this point, the only people who waste their time with these things are the time wasters and attention whores. The people who want to actually meet don’t waste any time. They just meet you.

5. Confirm the date - I don’t care who made the original plan. With online dating, none of that protocol applies. Send them a text the morning of the date confirming your plans. If they say they need to re-schedule, say “No problem!” and move on.

6. Listen - The attention whores and time wasters can’t help but talk about their online dating experiences. See, they’re attention whores. They want attention. If you can, avoid the whole, “So, what has your experience with Match/OkCupid been like?” conversation. Find some other commonality. If your date breaks into an omigod you have to hear this this is sooo funny story, be on guard. These types always reveal themselves.

The people who genuinely want to meet people and develop a relationship of some kind, casual or otherwise, are going to be proactive. Now, none of this means that you won’t end up having a date or two with an attention whore. That’s almost impossible to avoid.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, Managing Expectations, Online Dating, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

The Trouble With Using Sex To Get A Guy To Notice You

July 6, 2012 by 7 Comments

Name: Anna
Age: 29
State: England
Website:
Question: I have been flirting with this guy. Online and in person. But I recently told him I had a dirty dream about him and he didn’t respond asking me for details. I thought this was strange. Does this mean he isn’t in to me anymore?

 

It probably means he’s waiting for you to extrapolate on said sexy dream. You need to understand that many people know when they are being baited. You were baiting him, wanting him to show you that he was interested in hearing this sexy dream. The problem with that is that, even if he did show interest, that doesn’t mean he actually cares.

Someone said in the comments recently that guys might sext with a woman that he’s not attracted to just to jerk off. It doesn’t really mean anything. Neither does flirting. Flirting is easy to do, and often times it’s done with absolutely no intention other than to get attention.

You’re a woman of almost 30. Not a teenager. If you want this guy to know about all the fantasies swirling around in your head, you need to tell him. You also need to learn when you’re being used for an ego or penis stroke. If he didn’t respond or follow up with you, then it’s safe to say that you’re just someone he uses for an ego stroke. You gave him an opening to make plans to hook up. He didn’t take it. Move on. If he wanted you, or if you were anywhere near the top of his dating queue, he’d try to see you. But of course, he’d do that expecting to have sex with you. So if you don’t plan on putting out, it’s best that you let this sleeping dog lie. If you do hook up with him, you’ll wonder if he “only” wanted sex and things will eventually unravel.

This is the problem with using sex to get a guy’s attention. In most cases, we’re only using it because we feel we have to. Not because we want to. If that’s the case, then that should tell you how interested these men are.

We’ve talked about the articles from The Frisky where the author publicly discusses her kinkiness and love of spankings. I’m also sure you’ve read countless other articles and blogs from women braying about how sexual they are. Nine times out of ten, those women freeze up or implode when it comes time to have sex. They want the guy to be more gentlemanly or show them more favor before they ever gain access to their naughty bits. That’s because the person they project publicly or outwardly is not aligned with who they really are.

You can be as sexually assertive as you like. But if you can not handle the fact that that man will actually want to have sex with you, or will take that ball and run with it and speak to or treat you as a woman who likes sex, then you need to keep this stuff to yourself.

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Filed Under: Dating, Servicey!, Sex, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , ,

He Said/ She Said – Porn, Condoms, Cheating & Texting

May 8, 2012 by 25 Comments

Here are three questions from our last He Said/She Said event that should generate some interesting discussion.

Why are men so comfortable not wearing condoms? Why do women have to insist on it?

I would guess that men prefer bareback for the same reason a woman prefers it – it just feels better.  The sensations are all intensified. Obviously, condoms are used to prevent accidental pregnancy and STDs. But if the woman is practicing birth control and the guy knows he doesn’t have any STI’s, then he doesn’t understand why the condom is necessary. That’s why he’s usually lax about it. He’s not as worried about contracting something, so there isn’t much urgency on his part. Where men usually screw up is when it comes to pregnancy. Guys have to learn how that whole area works. Women have to be stringent about their reproductive organs and areas. Between breast exams and Pap smears, we have an acute awareness and understanding of how our parts function and therefore we know when something is off. Which means we have  more pregnancy and STD scares than men. That’s why women are so insistent. We’re paranoid. We’ve also been conditioned to believe that if we don’t use condoms that that means we don’t respect ourselves or that Karma will rear its head and infect us with herpes. If we go without, we’re foolish and reckless and have low self esteem. We’re not educated or responsible. We’re dumb.

Where this becomes a moral or ethical issue is when you make a pledge to use protection or when you’re in a relationship and cheating. If you intentionally betray a promise or have unprotected sex with someone outside of your relationship, you’re either really selfish or really passive aggressive.

From Time to time I have watched porn even when I have been serious with someone. What is the best way to bring this up? I don’t think I am addicted but once in a while I have that urge. Is this an issue?

I don’t know why you have to introduce your porn habit or collection to the women you date. Most women accept that most men watch porn. When this question was asked, one woman was very vocal about how she would break up with any guy that watched porn and that it was disrespectful to the man’s partner. Being the compassionate and sensitive woman I am, I told her she should plan on either having every man she dated lie to her or she should get used to being single. Sometimes people – men and women – watch porn because they don’t have anybody to fantasize about at the moment to help them get from Point A to Point B. Maybe they do have someone but want to switch things up.  Or maybe they just want to have an orgasm and not have to deal with any of the emotional preparation or clean up. Sometimes we just want the orgasm. You can’t take it personally if a woman uses a vibrator or a guy watches porn. There are times we just have a hit of horniness and need a release. Nobody should have to defend or explain that to someone who claims to care for them. If it bothers you, then you’re insecure and you need to deal with that without projecting it on your partner. Note that we’re not talking about porn addiction here. That’s a whole other issue.

Why is it that men only text? Do they not know women want them to take the effort to call when asking for a date.

Yes, they know. Most don’t care, because they don’t allow themselves to be guilt tripped into indulging some random woman’s need to feel special. And that is all it is – a need to feel special. Ladies, stop with the bullshit about how it’s indicative of laziness or cowardice or how it’s easier to talk on the phone. You want to feel special. End of story.

The man I’m dating admitted that he cheated on his previous girlfriend. Should I trust him?

First of all..why is he telling you this? Was this a situation where you found something out and confronted him? Did he offer this information up? If he revealed this on his own with no provocation from you, then that’s a bad sign. That’s self-sabotage or passive aggression. He’s either warning you or trying to make you insecure. If you heard this through friends or connected some dots based on other things he told you and you asked, then I don’t think it’s fair for you to hold his honesty against him. He should have lied, of course. Most men would. But he didn’t. You can’t trap the guy and then dump him for telling you something you already knew. If he lies, and you know he’s lying, you still can’t really blame him. He’s covering his ass. We all do it. That’s why you don’t ask these questions or dig for info. This just in: we’re all assholes at one time or another. Don’t delude yourself into believing you’re going to find that one special asshole-less snowflake. They don’t exist.

I think that, as human beings, we make mistakes. People cheat. It happens. Where it becomes unforgivable to me is if they did it multiple times. Especially with the same person. One time? I can forgive that. But if they did it repeatedly then they obviously were able to push past the guilt or remorse. That’s the true betrayal. (And if they did it without a condom? Well, you know where I’m going with this.) If someone can do that multiple times, that’s not someone who is safe. They may not do it again, but they have the potential to betray in other ways.

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Filed Under: Birth Control, casual sex, Date Like a Man, Dating, First Date Sex, Meeting Men, Men & Communication, Potpurri, Red Flags, Sex, Texting Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Why Men Call Us Crazy & The Sh*t Tests They Hate

April 7, 2012 by 16 Comments

Here’s a situation that brings me back.

I was reading this article this morning, about a date that went really well and then imploded within 24 hours. Both parties where at fault, but of course the woman in question doesn’t see that.Her rant conveniently leaves out telling details that probably led to the demise of this brand, uh, “spanking” new relationship.

Firs off, does everybody remember this post? The one where a Frisky writer outlined how she believed the way she wrote her profile was the leading cause to how she found her current boyfriend?Read that post first as it ties in to this one.

Read it? Okay.

So, in her latest article, the author details a recent date she had with a man she met online. ( It’s not clear whether she made any changes to her profile.)

I really enjoyed our first kiss and our little makeout session in front of my apartment. I really did! I felt like we got a little carried away towards the end of it, and it was also freezing cold outside, so that’s why I said goodnight and went inside.

This clip is important, dear readers. Keep reading.

But I’ll confess your texts this morning were pretty confusing. You said you wanted to see me again to “finish what we started last night.” I said that I wanted to see you again, too, but I wanted to be clear I wasn’t just looking for a “hookup thing.” You said you weren’t either. I said good, because I want to take sexual stuff slowly. You then said maybe we would not be a good fit. I was sincerely perplexed, because you had literally just said you didn’t want just a hookup thing either.

 

Now, I’m going to take her passing reference to “getting  a little too carried away” to mean there was some over the sweater/pants action. Okay. Who hasn’t been there?

So the next morning there is a text exchange and he says he’s looking forward to picking up where they left off. She replies back and says she “needs to be clear” (a phrase people should avoid using in situations like this) that she’s not just looking for a hook up thing. He replies back and lies says he isn’t either. Because…what the hell else is he going to say in that moment as he is trying to negotiate getting laid? That’s why disclaimers like this are useless. They mean nothing, especially if your actions don’t match up to the boundaries you are setting and what you’ve put out there. Look, if you want to take things slow, then stop at the kiss at the front door. Anything past that and you screw yourself should you ever want to “slow things down.” You’re not 16.

She then goes on to further clarify that she wants to take the sexual stuff slowly. In Manspeak, that is a shit test. Depending on how desperate invested the guy is, he’s either going to suck it up and agree or he’s going to immediately cut bait. Which is what this guy did. Why? Because she was being inconsistent. She’ll defend that request as her attempt to be open and communicative and expressing a need and all that good stuff that women read in what ever bullshit self-help book some hack self-published. But what really compelled her, in my opinion based on reading many of this woman’s articles, was her own internal conflict about the persona she puts out there in a dating profile or on a date or in an article and who she really is.

If you remember from the first article I linked to a few weeks ago, she says she’s very upfront about her sexual proclivities in her profile. Something she believes led to finding her boyfriend of 4 months at the time. Well, here we are a few weeks later and that boyfriend is no longer in the picture. (Which is not a reflection on her. That tends to be the average shelf life of most online relationships.) I’m pointing out that citing a 4 month relationship as evidence that something “worked” usually leaves someone with egg on their face. That’s why people should avoid putting themselves in similar positions.

Moving on to the oh so cliched and adorable part where he calls her crazy.

We went back and forth like this over text. Presumably both of us were trying to figure out what the other person really meant.

Just reading this makes me fatigued. We’ve all had one of these conversations. There was nothing to figure out. He either lost or never had interest. But the two people have a certain narrative in their head about the other and they are intent on proving themselves to be right and having the last word. The irony here is that he’s calling her crazy, but he’s obviously a bit nuts himself, which is why he’s even engaging her beyond telling her he’s not interested. Someone who feels the need to explain to you why your thinking is fundamentally wrong is simply looking for a fight or attention. They have a specific narrative in their head. If they don’t get the response that supports the narrative, they will continue to push until they do. What they don’t realize is that they have pretty much driven the person to react in such a manner. To them, that reaction is a sign that they have a particular hold on someone or had some profound or crippling affect.

“You are crazy!” you texted back. “You realize that, right?”

Now, my friend, you have touched a nerve.

You didn’t seem to think I was too bitchy, mean, or crazy literally 15 minutes earlier when you texted me saying you wanted to see me again.  What changed?

Nothing changed other than he either lost interest the minute she held up that hoop or he never had it to begin with. She offered her shit test. He volleyed back with his own. Yes, his “I don’t think we are  a good fit” response was a test. It was sent with the intention of causing her to feel shame and guilt and feel insecure. Which made her want to hurt him right back. He felt jerked around (and understandably so) and so he wanted to hurt her. Which makes him an asshat.

Obviously, she doesn’t see what she did as being a test. But it was. Many women use this test to gauge whether or not a man is just looking for sex. What they don’t realize is that I’d bet many of the men who bail upon being on the receiving end of this test do so because they immediately think “difficult’ or, yes, “crazy.”

Making this situation worse was that the guy in question had a fragile ego. He jumped to a conclusion and assumed that either the woman was jerking him around or dismissing him somehow. Had he been smart, he’d have just played along and agreed to whatever nonsense she was dishing out and gotten laid by someone else. Or by her, because often times when women say things like “I want to slow it down” she really means “I want to have sex, but I don’t want you to judge me for that.”

The moral of this tale is to not care so much what people think, do what you want to do and take ownership of whatever it is you put out there. If you’re going to state in your profile that you’re kinky or whatever, accept the fact that many people – male and female – will assume you don’t have sexual hang ups and enjoy sex or at least want it. The lesser experienced ones will be idiots about it and shoot themselves in the foot. Bullet dodged, avoid, block, delete and don’t respond.  The more experienced ones will sit back and let you believe whatever you believe in order to justify having it. Some of those people might flake after. Some won’t.You are NEVER going to be able to predict which is which by using stupid tests.

That’s dating.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Dating, Dating The Crazy, Online Dating, Sex, Texting
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