Hey there, love your column and would also love your advice on something.
I recently went out on a few dates with this girl who I met a few months ago. We met at a bar in LA and she actually gave me her number without me asking. We texted a bit back and forth and finally decided to meet up. She lives in a suburb of LA so our commutes were a bit of a pain, but we managed over the course of the past 2 months to have 3 really nice dates, spaced out in 2 week intervals on Saturday nights. Nice places, great times, and impromptu post-dinner visits to bars and even a random comedy show.
Now I’d like to think I’m a guy that “generally” gets when a girl is into me and when she’s not. I’m not like a lot of the guys that write to you complaining about women and the plight of the dating world. I had a great time with her and I do want to see her again. And I forgot to mention, all 3 dates we ended out making out/necking/petting and sometimes dancing in public but never going back to each other’s places (the commute issue). I also left each of those dates pretty happy about how things went.
If you’re of the belief that most people exhibit rational behavior when dating, to not only advance their own interests but make the other party know what they’re thinking/feeling without saying it, then this girl would be the exception. She was super sweet, cool, classy, and respectful during the 3 dates, and is a relatively successful career woman and well educated. Nothing in her behavior indicated anything to the contrary. However, there’s been one problem: while she is very responsive to all of my contact, she has never once initiated anything. No text, call, email, anything. I feel like if I never reached out I’d never hear from her again. Once I do reach out, boom, I plan a date and we’re all set.
After our 3rd date, a few issues came up with our schedules and we haven’t been able to set it up for something more. Every time I’m free, she’s not, and vice versa. But every time this is even decided, it’s me reaching out. (I’m a text guy, not a call guy). As I got more confused, I decided to wait several days without contacting her. Still nothing. Then I sent her a text, and she sends a flirty response within 2 minutes. Bunch of flirting back and forth. Then I say we should hang out this coming weekend. “I can’t next few weeks but definitely at some point.”
I’m just not used to behavior like this so I don’t know how to read it. Not interested? Just very aloof? Has a bf so thinks she can ‘back pocket’ me? Leading me on, but getting what out of it? I definitely dont text her every day, sometimes going almost a week, and never more than a few back and forths, so it can’t just be for attention.
At this point I’m just kind of exhausted. It’d be nice to go out again, but I don’t know if I can deal with this kind of contact style for the foreseeable future. I also haven’t mentioned any of this to her because it’ll come off as needy. I think it’s a little bit like your passive aggressive email article, but we’ve been on 3 dates and given the flirtiness and responsiveness I don’t see this as a “pissing contest”. If it’s a ploy to get me more attracted it’s not working, it’s just confusing. On the other hand if she’s not interested, she should just stop responding and let it run its natural course by fizzling it out.
I’m leaning towards thinking she’s not terribly interested. The commute, as you said, is somewhat of a pain and it’s not like you two can just pop by each other’s apartment’s or make last minute plans. You’re fun to hang out with when she has nothing better to do. As I’ve always said, if both parties want sex, they have it, distance or lack of condoms be damned.
If her schedule is so busy that she can’t make time for you for two weeks, that’s a pretty good indication of how she feels about you. That’s actually polite way of telling you she’s moderately interested at best. That’s how a lot of people handle these types of situations. Will she hang out with you if she doesn’t get a better offer? Sure. She’s not repulsed by you. My guess is the distance isn’t ideal so she’s keeping you on her roster, as some people are wont to do. She’s not totally ready to dismiss you, as she might have a dating dry spell. But she’s not going to move mountains to get together with you. Her message is mixed and inconsistent. She’s busy…but she totally still wants to get together. You’re right. That’s exhausting to try and decipher let alone deal with on a regular basis.
I think a lot of women tend to believe that the man is supposed to initiate contact and be the one to make plans. That’s a test to see just how interested the man is. The funny thing is, a woman doesn’t even have to be all that interested in a man to make them pass this test. It’s all about the ego stroke. The making out and petting are just empty gestures, much like the post-sex for the first time text or paying a tab. They are things men and women do because they know it’s expected and will grease the wheels of progress, so to speak. If she wanted you, really desired you, she’d have jumped you by now or made it quite clear she wanted to have sex with you.
She’s just not that into you, brah.