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If They’re Out of Your League, They’re Up To No Good

April 2, 2013 by 37 Comments

Name: Sarah
City: Austin
State: Texas
Comment: In my mind, I know the answer to my question, but in my heart – I guess I need to hear it from other people.

I met a man back in December – he pursued hanging out with me – just fun, going out stuff, not dates. This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently. I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me. I researched him online and got the impression that he might be married. So I asked him – he came clean and indicated that he was separated, but still in the same house, but was going to move out & start divorce proceedings. Since it had been a long-term marriage (more than 15 years) and there were two kids – I was wary. I basically said we’d have to cool it until he really moved out & I could see that he was being honest about proceeding with a divorce. He did move out shortly thereafter and we resumed talking and dating. During the course of all of this, he would constantly send me texts – you’re awesome! and give me affirmations of his interest – I think about you all the time, I miss you when you’re not around, I feel like we have such a unique situation, etc. BUT he would also say – i’m all messed up in my head, I don’t really know what I’m looking for, etc. Again – I expressed my concern – saying that I wondered if he thought I was so awesome or if it felt so special because what he was coming from had felt so wrong for such a long time. So I tried to protect myself…but it’s hard when you DO feel a connection and you DO feel like this could be someone for the long-term and they are also expressing that. Then after about 2 months he started to pull away. Saying that he felt guilty about not spending more time with his kids and that he really needed to get busy and finalize things and clear up his personal situation. MY understanding from our conversation was that we were going to keep it casual, still see each other but try to “pump the brakes” so to speak. However, it’s now been a week and I haven’t seen him and I’ve only had one text saying hello/hope you are having a nice weekend. I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting? I was REALLY ok with taking a step back & being more casual for a little while to see if we truly had a connection but I didn’t expect it to just disintegrate completely. Do I just relax, not contact him & let him contact me? Or do I push for resolution and ask him to explain what is going on? Give up entirely?
Age: 41

 

I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me.

Let’s address this point first. This? This is in your head. No confident and secure man is intimidated by a woman, for any reason. Stop telling yourself this to make yourself feel better. Either you’re drawn to men with issues or there is something unlikeable about you. Those are the only to options to explain this phenomenon.

This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently.

If this guy was atypical for what you generally meet, that likely means that something about his interest was disingenuous somehow. Sorry, but it does.  The fact that he didn’t even tell you he was married, knowing how the internet works and how common it is to Google someone, means he didn’t care enough to tell you about his status. He wasn’t concerned if you found out. Why? Because he didn’t actually care, period. That was the second red flag that this guy was going to fade. The first was that this dream man appeared in your life at all.

I get the desire to meet someone with a similar intellect or life experience. But the reality is that if we struggle to find that well educated and polished needle in a hay stack, then we should question when one falls in our lap rather effortlessly. I’m choosing to ignore the whole “on my level” thing. Holding out for that guy hasn’t served you well so far. You’re not going to readjust your expectations or self-perception until you get tired of the disappointment and frustration.

This guy was looking to get laid and likely never expected to stay involved with you in any way once that happened. He’s investing time by sending texts. That’s all part of the maintenance involved with cultivating a roster of options. He’s dipping his toe pack in the pool in order to see what is out there before he finally makes the move and leaves his marriage. He doesn’t want to let go of one branch without making sure there will be others to grasp.

I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting?

Easy peasy. He never thought you were the greatest thing since sliced bread in the first place. It was an act. Remember what I said about guys up to no good who pile it on are being disingenuous? This is a perfect example.

His reason for pulling back is that he senses you’re looking for a relationship and that’s not something he can offer. The stuff about his kids and needing to get his head straight, while I’m sure true to some degree, are not why he’s fading. This guy isn’t interested in you in the way you are interested in him. Let it go.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40, Red Flags, Rejection, The Talk, The Unavailable Man/Woman, To Settle or Not To Settle, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What’s The Rush To Commit?

December 7, 2011 by 44 Comments

Name: Carmen
Age: 46
State: New York
Comment: I have been dating a 52 year old man for about a month. He has never been married. We have not taken it to the magic date (sex) level as yet, but the tension is building. When is it appropriate to discuss whether this is  leading to monogamous/exclusive relationship?

Thanks,
C.

There’s a reason why he’s 52 and never married. He’s either extremely cautious, not terribly interested in long term commitment, or just not very good at it. To ask a guy like this, a month in, whether he sees the two of you becoming monogamous or serious seems a bit premature. What are we talking here…5-7 dates? That, along with the fact that you haven’t slept together, doesn’t really provide him with enough information that would be needed to make such a decision.

It also doesn’t give you enough information to make such a decision. You’re really prepared to make a commitment to someone with whom you haven’t had sex? Kind of risky, no?

I realize that you’re probably just wondering if you and he are on the same page. At least I hope that’s the case. A month is just not a long time. Certainly not long enough to determine compatibility. Trust me, there real person tends to reveal themselves over time. That goes for the both of you. Sex has a tendency to change things and change people. (And by people I mean women for the most part.) How you handle the sex and the aftermath is very important. That’s the other reason why most men tend to prefer to have sex before they agree to be exclusive or even talk about exclusivity in the hypothetical. They want to see if the woman becomes clingy, needy or demanding and if they apply all these expectations because of the sex.

Why does this feel like you think sex would be a good reward for him should he tell you what he wants to hear? I understand your hesitation. You don’t want to have sex unless you know the relationship has a potential future. But here’s the rub…ask this guy now if he sees long term potential, and have that conversation on top of a conversation about sleeping together, and he’s going to tell you whatever it is he thinks will get him laid. Yes, he might even commit without actually meaning it. Especially if, as you say, the tension is “building.”

Let’s also try to put ourselves in his shoes. You approach him about where the relationship is headed. Many men in his shoes will think, “So, she wants me to take the risk and commit, but she won’t take the risk and have sex with me? She wants me to make myself vulnerable before she makes herself vulnerable? No thanks.”  The guy might become a bit resentful. Or he might be honest and tell you he’s not ready to talk about this at this juncture. Neither of these stances make him wrong or bad. He’s allowed to take his time and be cautious just like you. That’s why these conversations tend to unnerve a lot of men, as they know how women will perceive their hesitation. “Oh, he’s a commitment-phobe!” or “He just wants to sleep with as many women as possible!” Sometimes that is the case. But the more likely reason many men dosen’t want to engage in the talks this early is because they genuinely don’t know what they want at that point. A lot of women tend to forget that the man has a say about where things are headed, too.

This is why you need to separate these two “milestones.” My suggestion to you is to either wait to have sex with him until you both have had a decent amount of time to really get to know each other and have enough time to determine if there really is a future. OR….take the risk and have sex with him and take things as they come and then discuss where things are going.

If you want to have sex with him, have sex with him. If you’re afraid that he might bail soon after, then waiting isn’t going to change that. If that’s his plan, he’s going to do it anyway regardless of what he promises you. If you sense he’s not genuine, then trust your instincts and walk away.

Don’t expect him to do the heavy lifting here. Why do you need him to tell you how things should proceed? What do you want? If he does decide after you two have sex that he doesn’t see a future, he either didn’t feel you two were compatible or was being disingenuous all along. That’s about him and his potential issues. Not yours.

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Filed Under: Book, Dating, Dating Over 40, Intimacy, Just The Tip, Latests Posts, Monogamy, Sex, The Talk Tagged With: , , , ,

What’s The One Thing You Could Improve/Change About Dating?

December 4, 2011 by 8 Comments

In preparation for our upcoming Date Smarter Salon on Dec 7th, I’m writing the outline and companion e-guide.  We’re going to be covering a lot of topics in the class. Such as:

~Online Dating

*How to spot and deal with the time wasters, what behaviors are common, how to make first contact and take thing soff line

~Maintaining Privacy/Security

*Did you know someone can do a Google Image search of your dating profile photos or email address/phone number and get yall kinds of private info?

*How much dating re-con work should you do? How much is considered a violation of privacy?

*How does Facebook and Twitter help/hinder dating and relationships?

~Dating & Sex – Is There Such a Thing As Having Sex Too Soon? -

*How long will a man wait for a woman to decide if she’s ready to take thing to a physical level?

*Do men really judge women for having sex after just 1-3 dates?

~Dating & Finances -

*How has dating changed in the new economy?

*Who pays?

*How have gender roles changed?

~Dating & Commitment

*Why do they act like  aboyfriend/girlfriend but won’t commit?

*Are people committing any more? Why or why not?

*Why do there seem to be more casual and/or Faux-lationships?

 

Here’s my question to you. If you could give the opposite sex (or same sex) advice on any dating related topic…what would it be?

And…

If you could change one thing about dating, what would it be?

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Filed Under: Commitment, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating In The New Economy, Dating The Crazy, Facebook, Friend Zone, Latests Posts, Online Dating, Sex, Social Media, Texting, The Talk Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

The Greatest Dating Lies Ever Told

November 21, 2011 by 85 Comments

Name: WHY THEY SAY THEY WILL CALL AND DON’T
State: NY
Age: 45
Comment: QUESTION FOR MEN:  WHY DO MEN SAY THEY WILL GIVE YOU A CALL WHEN THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO? Why not just say it was nice to meet you and then just run away and get out of there?  Woman don’t like to be misled and maybe they thought the date did work out to some extent. Sometimes a 2nd date is needed, or third to decide honestly, if he wants to see her again.  Men shouldn’t be sooo quick to pull away b/c they might have a good thing/person but just not know it yet b/c it takes time to get to know someone before they open up.

 

I agree that people – men and women – cut and run far too quickly. I think women are more likely to give a guy a second date to feel him and the possible attraction out.

However, I don’t think someone saying “I’ll call you” is always a case of them misleading the other person.  I think the times people say “I’ll call you” and aren’t 100% confident that they will call fall in to three categories:

1. They sense the man/woman wants to hear it or is somehow prolonging the good bye. It’s a way to get out of the situation without any further discomfort.

2. They’re on the fence and think there’s a possibility they might call. Then, once they have some distance and do a little post-date analysis, they decide that they don’t wish to pursue anything more.

3. They had sex with the man/woman and want to present themselves as honorable when they aren’t.

The “I’ll Call You” line is not the only lie that men and women tell in order to walk away gracefully or without blame. Here are a few others:

“We can do that next time.” - I’d guess that, in most but not necessarily all cases, they know there will never be a “next time.” Use of “next time” is a great way to convince your date that you’re really interested. That way they will be more pliable and less on guard. I don’t trust the Next Timers. Know how I’d know when there was going to be a next time? When there was a next time.

“I didn’t get your text/email.” or “I replied to your text/email!” -While there is always a chance that the internetz or cell phone ate your message, more than likely your message was received and they ignored it. Especially if the message contained any kind of pointed question or tone.

“Had a major work/family/medical emergency. Can we reschedule?” - Again, it’s entirely possible that Great Aunt Gemma passed away or their father had a heart attack. But is it likely? No. An excuse like this is perfect because it’s not like someone is going to challenge it. I should qualify this by saying that if this excuse comes from someone you haven’t met yet or been out with once or twice, it’s more likely that this is a lie. Translation: Something better came up, and since I don’t know you well/haven’t met you, I have no idea if meeting you will make up for turning down this other offer.”

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” - This isn’t so much a full on lie as it is a half truth. What they mean is,  “I’m not looking for a relationship with you.” Not to be confused with, “I need more time” or “I’m enjoying where things are going and getting to know you, but not sure if I’m ready for a commitment.”

“I’m not sleeping with anyone else.” - People tell us this because that’s what we think the other person wants to hear. We also say that so that we don’t compromise our chances of getting laid or going bareback. If there is no expressed exclusivity, there’s a really good chance that they are, in fact, sleeping with someone else. Either that or they don’t wish for that option to be off the table. If they wanted to sleep with only you, they’d commit to you.

“I’m too busy with work/school/my book club to date/have a relationship.” - Their job is not the reason they aren’t in a relationship. More often than not, that’s an excuse. What that really means is, “I don’t wish to give up whatever free time I have to someone else. I like my freedom.” Or it means, “I’ve been burnt and too afraid to get back out there.”

“I want to see you but I’m really busy.” – Eh. Usually “too busy” means “not interested.” It’s a way to keep you on the hook because either they don’t have the guts to dump you or want to keep you around for a Break In Case of Emergency Lay.

“I’m happy being single.” – Okay. This one might be a smidge controversial. I do believe that many people are happy being single. It’s the people who go out of their way to announce how happy they are being single that I question.

“I’m single by choice.” - Adorbs. But no. While some people might be single by choice and mean it, the people who announce it are just justifying why, after Lord knows how many dates, nothing has stuck.

“My girl/guy/relationship is different” or other variations of that statement. - Mmmm. No. You choose to believe that because that somehow makes YOU sound more desirable or impressive or that something about you made them alter  typical (read: unattractive) behavior. In actuality, you’re not different. Either your guy or girl didn’t actually make a specific change for you and you just think they did or your guy or girl just tolerates your crap because they had few to no options.

“We waited X dates to sleep together.” – I’ll call Bravo Sierra on at least half of these cases. Some men will decrease the number of dates they waited so they can impress their guy friends. Some women will increase the number of dates so their friends don’t judge them or so they can feel superior. Lame on both counts.

“We met through friends.” – Some, sure. But the “we met through friends” line is also common amongst people who met online but don’t want anyone to know they had to go “slumming” to find a mate.

“I’d like to be friends.” - When a guy says it, I think what he really means is, “Please don’t hate me.” He doesn’t want a woman out there with a grudge or negative impression of him. He might very well be sincere in expressing his guilt or in his apology. But he doe4sn’t really want to be friends. He doesn’t want to hang out or keep in touch. He just doesn’t want the woman to hate him. When women say it, I think many times they mean it in the traditional sense. They want to maintain a relationship with the guy because they genuinely enjoyed them. Some times, though, what they really mean is, “Let’s spend some platonic time together so you can see how great I am and maybe you’ll change your mind.” Men use this line with this intention as well. It’s less common that either gender means, “Let’s stay in touch and hang out.”

“I’m afraid to be hurt/vulnerable.” - Cliche alert! Listen. You get a window of time after a bad break up to lick your wounds and feel sorry for yourself. But if you’re still banging this drum a couple years later? You’re just looking for attention or sympathy or hoping to victimize yourself so as to avoid judgment for bad decisions.

“I’m in an open relationship” or “We have an arrangement.” - Nothing got me to hit the delete button on a message faster than this. I do believe that many people do have “arrangements” and that they work for the couple. But if they don’t approach the date by telling you outright what the deal is, they’re likely lying. The couples I know in open relationships all have one rule in common. Don’t have sex with the same person more than a couple times. So if this man or woman tells you that they’re in an open relationship, and you and they have sex every couple months for an ongoing amount of time? They’re probably lying. They just don’t want you to get attached.

“I just don’t think we clicked romantically.” - I’d guess that most of the common variations of this reason are lies as well. Translation: I didn’t find you attractive. You want to hear that from someone? I don’t. I’m fine with the lie. But push someone to be honest and that’s what you’ll get.

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now but I like hanging out with you.” - Translation: I’ll have sex with you, but I won’t date you. You’re good enough for the occasional hook up but I wouldn’t introduce you to my friends.

“I’m okay with it being just sex.” - Now, I’ve told this lie before. I thought I meant it. Most women do. Yes, I said women because I don’t think most men have a problem being “used” for sex. Eventually, the woman who isn’t ok with the arrangement will try to back end her way in to a relationship with the guy by withholding the one thing she knows he wants. That’s not a great way to start a relationship. If you get offended that he doesn’t call in advance to set up your booty dates, or if it bothers you that he doesn’t make personal inquiries or keeps conversations impersonal or doesn’t retain anything you say, then you’re not okay with it being “just sex.”

Any others?

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Dating, Dating Lies, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, First Impressions, Latests Posts, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Red Flags, Rejection, The Fade, The Talk, The Unavailable Man/Woman, Understanding Men Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Do You Trade Sex For Exclusivity?

September 27, 2011 by 197 Comments

Name: D
State: CO
Age: 43
Comment: I’ve been seeing a woman (let’s call her Jean) for the past month or so. We get together 2-3 times per week, and we’ve been having sex since our third date. I think there’s long-term potential, but I’m not ready to be exclusive yet. In the meantime, I’ve also been dating other women, though none of them have led to sex.

Last night Jean & I had a conversation about expectations. I have a long-distance FWB who comes to town about once every 5-6 weeks. She’s due in town again in mid-October. I had told Jean about her previously and said we have an agreement that if one of use finds someone we want to be exclusive with, we’ll stop hooking up. (This is 100% true. As it happens, I told the FWB just a couple days ago that there’s a good chance I’ll have to invoke that rule soon.)

Jean told me that she’s not asking for exclusivity, but she doesn’t want me to have sex with anyone else as long as she and I are having sex. So that means no seeing the FWB, which she specifically asked about. She said she was not asking for exclusivity, but that this particular case was a deal breaker.

I’m fine with that, but I’m not ready to be exclusive, and there’s a non-zero chance that I’ll have sex with some of the other women I’ve been seeing.

My question is, what’s my obligation here? Should Jean & I stop having sex for a while? Or do I only do that after I have sex with someone else?

I don’t lie, but I don’t necessarily volunteer everything. Jean hasn’t asked about any other dates I’ve been on, but since she pointedly did *not* ask for exclusivity, she’s at least theoretically aware I’m seeing other people.

 

Jean told me that she’s not asking for exclusivity, but she doesn’t want me to have sex with anyone else as long as she and I are having sex. So that means no seeing the FWB, which she specifically asked about. She said she was not asking for exclusivity, but that this particular case was a deal breaker.

Asking you not to see or sleep with your FWB is most definitely asking for exclusivity. She’s just using the back door entrance. I’m sure she believes she’s not trying to pressure you, but she is.

I had told Jean about her previously and said we have an agreement that if one of use finds someone we want to be exclusive with, we’ll stop hooking up.

This is why you don’t talk in any kind of detail about your extra curricular pre-exclusivity activities. You were honest. Foolishly honest. And now she’s using it against you in order to force your hand and commit.

My question is, what’s my obligation here? Should Jean & I stop having sex for a while? Or do I only do that after I have sex with someone else?

You’re not obligated to her unless you agree to give her what she wants. At that point you’re locked in.  If you give in on this, she’s just going to continue to put down these demands. I mean, really? She doesn’t even want you seeing your FWB? I mean, I completely understand why she’s uncomfortable with it. But she’s not your girlfriend. You’ve only been dating a month. She’s dictating not only who you have sex with but who you hang out with. Give in on this and you’ll never be able to re-gain any ground. I guarantee you that if you had been even more honest and told her outright that you’re actively dating other people, she’d have laid down an edict against that as well.

My advice is to make it clear to Jean that exclusivity is not on the table yet and that it won’t be until you’re both ready for it. If she bails, then you dodged a bullet.

Call her bluff. Tell her that, since you’re not ready to be exclusive, that you think it’s best that you and she stop having sex since you know she’s not comfortable with that. Basically, she’s using sex as a bartering chip in order to get what she wants. Two can play that game. So tell her you understand her concerns and you feel it’s best that you and she table the sex until you’re both ready to commit. Then see what she says. She’s going to get upset, of course, because what you’d actually be telling her – you know, in a back door kind of way – is that you’re sleeping with other people. Or at least want to. What she’ll really be pissed about is that her trick didn’t work.

If she’s smart she’ll say, “Okay. No problem. In fact, I agree.” Or she’ll say that you and she can continue sleeping together but she doesn’t want to know what you’re doing when not with her and that you have to use condoms. She’ll probably ask you to still tell her if you’re sleeping with anyone else.  If that’s what she says she wants, then give it to her. ( Though she really doesn’t want to know. That’s another false sense of security check point that pretty much always backfires.)  Then she’ll drop the subject, keep her own options open, and either you two will become exclusive naturally or she’ll find a guy who will give her what she wants and you’ll get out of a potentially tense and unhealthy situation. Or she’ll take her toys and leave the sandbox. Win/win all around if you ask me.

The thing is, just because she tried this approach doesn’t necessarily mean she wouldn’t be a great partner. She feels threatened because she likes you. That’s a good thing. Sometimes we let our insecurities rule us. It happens to the best of us.  But if she tries to push or force something before you’re ready, then she’s demonstrating to you that your needs and feelings aren’t terribly important to her. That’s a bad thing.

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating Over 40, Latests Posts, Popular Posts, Sex, The Talk, Uncategorized