I met a man back in December – he pursued hanging out with me – just fun, going out stuff, not dates. This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently. I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me. I researched him online and got the impression that he might be married. So I asked him – he came clean and indicated that he was separated, but still in the same house, but was going to move out & start divorce proceedings. Since it had been a long-term marriage (more than 15 years) and there were two kids – I was wary. I basically said we’d have to cool it until he really moved out & I could see that he was being honest about proceeding with a divorce. He did move out shortly thereafter and we resumed talking and dating. During the course of all of this, he would constantly send me texts – you’re awesome! and give me affirmations of his interest – I think about you all the time, I miss you when you’re not around, I feel like we have such a unique situation, etc. BUT he would also say – i’m all messed up in my head, I don’t really know what I’m looking for, etc. Again – I expressed my concern – saying that I wondered if he thought I was so awesome or if it felt so special because what he was coming from had felt so wrong for such a long time. So I tried to protect myself…but it’s hard when you DO feel a connection and you DO feel like this could be someone for the long-term and they are also expressing that. Then after about 2 months he started to pull away. Saying that he felt guilty about not spending more time with his kids and that he really needed to get busy and finalize things and clear up his personal situation. MY understanding from our conversation was that we were going to keep it casual, still see each other but try to “pump the brakes” so to speak. However, it’s now been a week and I haven’t seen him and I’ve only had one text saying hello/hope you are having a nice weekend. I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting? I was REALLY ok with taking a step back & being more casual for a little while to see if we truly had a connection but I didn’t expect it to just disintegrate completely. Do I just relax, not contact him & let him contact me? Or do I push for resolution and ask him to explain what is going on? Give up entirely?
I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me.
Let’s address this point first. This? This is in your head. No confident and secure man is intimidated by a woman, for any reason. Stop telling yourself this to make yourself feel better. Either you’re drawn to men with issues or there is something unlikeable about you. Those are the only to options to explain this phenomenon.
This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently.
If this guy was atypical for what you generally meet, that likely means that something about his interest was disingenuous somehow. Sorry, but it does. The fact that he didn’t even tell you he was married, knowing how the internet works and how common it is to Google someone, means he didn’t care enough to tell you about his status. He wasn’t concerned if you found out. Why? Because he didn’t actually care, period. That was the second red flag that this guy was going to fade. The first was that this dream man appeared in your life at all.
I get the desire to meet someone with a similar intellect or life experience. But the reality is that if we struggle to find that well educated and polished needle in a hay stack, then we should question when one falls in our lap rather effortlessly. I’m choosing to ignore the whole “on my level” thing. Holding out for that guy hasn’t served you well so far. You’re not going to readjust your expectations or self-perception until you get tired of the disappointment and frustration.
This guy was looking to get laid and likely never expected to stay involved with you in any way once that happened. He’s investing time by sending texts. That’s all part of the maintenance involved with cultivating a roster of options. He’s dipping his toe pack in the pool in order to see what is out there before he finally makes the move and leaves his marriage. He doesn’t want to let go of one branch without making sure there will be others to grasp.
I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting?
Easy peasy. He never thought you were the greatest thing since sliced bread in the first place. It was an act. Remember what I said about guys up to no good who pile it on are being disingenuous? This is a perfect example.
His reason for pulling back is that he senses you’re looking for a relationship and that’s not something he can offer. The stuff about his kids and needing to get his head straight, while I’m sure true to some degree, are not why he’s fading. This guy isn’t interested in you in the way you are interested in him. Let it go.