Name: WHY THEY SAY THEY WILL CALL AND DON’T
State: NY
Age: 45
Comment: QUESTION FOR MEN:  WHY DO MEN SAY THEY WILL GIVE YOU A CALL WHEN THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO? Why not just say it was nice to meet you and then just run away and get out of there?  Woman don’t like to be misled and maybe they thought the date did work out to some extent. Sometimes a 2nd date is needed, or third to decide honestly, if he wants to see her again.  Men shouldn’t be sooo quick to pull away b/c they might have a good thing/person but just not know it yet b/c it takes time to get to know someone before they open up.

I agree that people – men and women – cut and run far too quickly. I think women are more likely to give a guy a second date to feel him and the possible attraction out.

However, I don’t think someone saying “I’ll call you” is always a case of them misleading the other person.  I think the times people say “I’ll call you” and aren’t 100% confident that they will call fall in to three categories:

1. They sense the man/woman wants to hear it or is somehow prolonging the good bye. It’s a way to get out of the situation without any further discomfort.

2. They’re on the fence and think there’s a possibility they might call. Then, once they have some distance and do a little post-date analysis, they decide that they don’t wish to pursue anything more.

3. They had sex with the man/woman and want to present themselves as honorable when they aren’t.

The “I’ll Call You” line is not the only lie that men and women tell in order to walk away gracefully or without blame. Here are a few others:

“We can do that next time.” - I’d guess that, in most but not necessarily all cases, they know there will never be a “next time.” Use of “next time” is a great way to convince your date that you’re really interested. That way they will be more pliable and less on guard. I don’t trust the Next Timers. Know how I’d know when there was going to be a next time? When there was a next time.

“I didn’t get your text/email.” or “I replied to your text/email!” -While there is always a chance that the internetz or cell phone ate your message, more than likely your message was received and they ignored it. Especially if the message contained any kind of pointed question or tone.

“Had a major work/family/medical emergency. Can we reschedule?” - Again, it’s entirely possible that Great Aunt Gemma passed away or their father had a heart attack. But is it likely? No. An excuse like this is perfect because it’s not like someone is going to challenge it. I should qualify this by saying that if this excuse comes from someone you haven’t met yet or been out with once or twice, it’s more likely that this is a lie. Translation: Something better came up, and since I don’t know you well/haven’t met you, I have no idea if meeting you will make up for turning down this other offer.”

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” - This isn’t so much a full on lie as it is a half truth. What they mean is,  “I’m not looking for a relationship with you.” Not to be confused with, “I need more time” or “I’m enjoying where things are going and getting to know you, but not sure if I’m ready for a commitment.”

“I’m not sleeping with anyone else.” - People tell us this because that’s what we think the other person wants to hear. We also say that so that we don’t compromise our chances of getting laid or going bareback. If there is no expressed exclusivity, there’s a really good chance that they are, in fact, sleeping with someone else. Either that or they don’t wish for that option to be off the table. If they wanted to sleep with only you, they’d commit to you.

“I’m too busy with work/school/my book club to date/have a relationship.” - Their job is not the reason they aren’t in a relationship. More often than not, that’s an excuse. What that really means is, “I don’t wish to give up whatever free time I have to someone else. I like my freedom.” Or it means, “I’ve been burnt and too afraid to get back out there.”

“I want to see you but I’m really busy.” – Eh. Usually “too busy” means “not interested.” It’s a way to keep you on the hook because either they don’t have the guts to dump you or want to keep you around for a Break In Case of Emergency Lay.

“I’m happy being single.” – Okay. This one might be a smidge controversial. I do believe that many people are happy being single. It’s the people who go out of their way to announce how happy they are being single that I question.

“I’m single by choice.” - Adorbs. But no. While some people might be single by choice and mean it, the people who announce it are just justifying why, after Lord knows how many dates, nothing has stuck.

“My girl/guy/relationship is different” or other variations of that statement. - Mmmm. No. You choose to believe that because that somehow makes YOU sound more desirable or impressive or that something about you made them alter  typical (read: unattractive) behavior. In actuality, you’re not different. Either your guy or girl didn’t actually make a specific change for you and you just think they did or your guy or girl just tolerates your crap because they had few to no options.

“We waited X dates to sleep together.” – I’ll call Bravo Sierra on at least half of these cases. Some men will decrease the number of dates they waited so they can impress their guy friends. Some women will increase the number of dates so their friends don’t judge them or so they can feel superior. Lame on both counts.

“We met through friends.” – Some, sure. But the “we met through friends” line is also common amongst people who met online but don’t want anyone to know they had to go “slumming” to find a mate.

“I’d like to be friends.” - When a guy says it, I think what he really means is, “Please don’t hate me.” He doesn’t want a woman out there with a grudge or negative impression of him. He might very well be sincere in expressing his guilt or in his apology. But he doe4sn’t really want to be friends. He doesn’t want to hang out or keep in touch. He just doesn’t want the woman to hate him. When women say it, I think many times they mean it in the traditional sense. They want to maintain a relationship with the guy because they genuinely enjoyed them. Some times, though, what they really mean is, “Let’s spend some platonic time together so you can see how great I am and maybe you’ll change your mind.” Men use this line with this intention as well. It’s less common that either gender means, “Let’s stay in touch and hang out.”

“I’m afraid to be hurt/vulnerable.” - Cliche alert! Listen. You get a window of time after a bad break up to lick your wounds and feel sorry for yourself. But if you’re still banging this drum a couple years later? You’re just looking for attention or sympathy or hoping to victimize yourself so as to avoid judgment for bad decisions.

“I’m in an open relationship” or “We have an arrangement.” - Nothing got me to hit the delete button on a message faster than this. I do believe that many people do have “arrangements” and that they work for the couple. But if they don’t approach the date by telling you outright what the deal is, they’re likely lying. The couples I know in open relationships all have one rule in common. Don’t have sex with the same person more than a couple times. So if this man or woman tells you that they’re in an open relationship, and you and they have sex every couple months for an ongoing amount of time? They’re probably lying. They just don’t want you to get attached.

“I just don’t think we clicked romantically.” - I’d guess that most of the common variations of this reason are lies as well. Translation: I didn’t find you attractive. You want to hear that from someone? I don’t. I’m fine with the lie. But push someone to be honest and that’s what you’ll get.

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now but I like hanging out with you.” - Translation: I’ll have sex with you, but I won’t date you. You’re good enough for the occasional hook up but I wouldn’t introduce you to my friends.

“I’m okay with it being just sex.” - Now, I’ve told this lie before. I thought I meant it. Most women do. Yes, I said women because I don’t think most men have a problem being “used” for sex. Eventually, the woman who isn’t ok with the arrangement will try to back end her way in to a relationship with the guy by withholding the one thing she knows he wants. That’s not a great way to start a relationship. If you get offended that he doesn’t call in advance to set up your booty dates, or if it bothers you that he doesn’t make personal inquiries or keeps conversations impersonal or doesn’t retain anything you say, then you’re not okay with it being “just sex.”

Any others?