Comment: I recently moved to a new city and decided to join Match to meet some singles in my area. I’ve been having difficulty meeting guys out, I usually hang out with a bunch of couples and none of them ever want to separate to play wingwoman. Whenever I go out with a bunch of girls, I’m usually the one guys come over to chat with – im not afraid to admit that I am an attractive girl. I’ve been told I’m a great catch and yes I will admit I am somewhat picky. I’m not look to just date anyone for the hell of it, I want someone I have a real connection with, and that has been hard to come by lately. Anyways, I met 2 guys online that I was really interested in (there are some slim pickings in my area, I receive 5-10 emails/day but only a few I am ever attracted to). Well both guys texted to take me out to dinner either this past Saturday/Sunday. I really liked Guy #1 and wanted to see him Saturday and Guy #2 could be Sunday night. Guy #1 and I were flirting all day up to 2 hours before date time. One hour before our date he cancels on me. Said he was at his grandma’s and they were giving him crap for wanting to leave early. I said I understood and would be willing to move the time back. He said he was sorry and that he would let me know when he left. I never heard from him. I was bummed but started to look forward to my dinner date with Guy #2 the next night. The very next day he texted me to say he had to cancel (to help a friend with an unexpected move) and he would like to reschedule. I said that I understood and would be willing to reschedule. Still haven’t heard from him. Any idea why these guys flaked? I find it very rude when people have total disregard for other people’s time. Did they get nervous and couldn’t follow through? Should I or should I not give them a second chance (if I hear from them)?
You might very well be the “hot” one in your group, but online you are a small fish in a big pond. There are a lot of beautiful, intelligent, funny women in their late twenties on those sites. Off line you might have the upper hand. Online, you don’t. Hence why these two guys flaked. This is one of the downsides of that “shopping cart” mentality created by online dating we discussed last week. They blew you off because they believe they can easily find someone else. Since you seem to hold yourself in pretty high regard, I imagine that the men that interest you are also in demand. Which means they have options. Lots of them. You are just one. So, online, you are more expendable than you might be offline.
This likely has nothing to do with how you look, your age, etc. In fact, it probably has nothing to do with you. This mentality is extremely common and widespread. We all have been infected with this bug called icandobetteritis.
I doubt they got nervous. That sounds like something your friends might have told you or that you might have told yourself so you’d feel better. These guys just weren’t that invested in you. If they can get you, they can get another woman like you. That’s why they could cancel on you last minute. You assumed that, because you’re very attractive, you’re experience would be different and that men would be eager to meet you.That’s entitlement and it doesn’t belong on an online dating site. It doesn’t belong anywhere in dating, but especially not on Match.com. You are not a unique snowflake, L. Not online. Not even offline.
Should you go out with them if they ask? Sure. Why not? This sort of behavior is common on online dating sites. People talk, they make plans, they cancel, they disappear for a couple weeks…then they resurface. There are a dozen reasons why they flaked. The main one being that meeting you just wasn’t a priority for them for whatever reason. It’s not as much about you as you might fear.
The flaking used to bother me, too, until I figured out that this happens to everyone and not just me. On the topic of flaking, though, let me tear down the fourth wall a bit.
Last spring I met a guy online. We made plans to go out. He canceled day of. He followed up that night and rescheduled. Well, tried. He could never seem to commit to a night. So I just stopped responding. He contacts me again a month later. Again, we exchange messages and text for a few weeks. He was traveling here and there, switching jobs, etc. Busy, busy, busy. He says he’s free one specific week and wanted to meet. I figured there was no harm in it. Maybe it would be fun. Maybe I’d get laid. Maybe it would turn in to something. Who knows? I tell him I’m free any night that week but Wednesday. He replies back and says he has plans Tuesday and Wednesday but Thursday or Friday might work. Super. We tentatively agree on Thursday. Later that night he texts that Thursday is now out because he was some sort of work happy hour but that he was going to figure out another available night. I replied back and said that that wasn’t necessary, that it had already taken so much time to meet that it seemed pointless. I also said that this was involving far too much work and that that’s not what I was looking for. After all the back and forths, he had demonstrated to me that he either had little free time or that he was oblivious to how annoying his behavior was. Both are very bad signs, regardless of what the woman seeks.
Here’s another scenario. Guy emails me. We trade a few messages. This guy was very attractive, 39, wanted kids, etc. This would never go any where and I’d be dropped like a hot rock the minute he found what he was looking for. He wanted to meet for a drink. We exchange messages for a couple days (Red Flag). He says he’s free that night to meet for a drink. I gave him my number and said shoot me a text with further details. I then went on with my day. Didn’t hear from him. Two days go by and I hear nothing. By that time I had set up dates with two other guys more my speed. That Thursday night he sends me a text at..wait for it…11:30. Hilarious. I reply this next afternoon saying hello. We talk about our hometown of Boston. I tell him where I grew up. He replies with, “Cool.” I don’t reply. He sends another text Friday night around 8 asking what I was doing that night? Uh, well, one thing on my list is deleting your text. There. Done. Cross that off. PS? I’m a 43 year old woman in Manhattan , oft passed over for the twenty and thirty something, and I’m not eager to meet you. Take that as a warning sign.
These two guys made it incredibly difficult for me to justify having sex with them, which is probably what those relationships would have become. Nothing wrong with that. It’s one thing to suspect that and know that that is a possibility. That’s always a possibility. But when you’re presented with hard evidence that that will likely be the case, it’s hard to justify the sex. So, guys, if you want us to sleep with you….don’t give us reasons not to. The minute you cancel, flake, contact us last minute, etc you are making it harder for yourselves. Just like you, we gals want to make sure we get some return on investment for our efforts, be that a relationship or sex or a fun night out. If you annoy us before we’ve even met, the possibility of having one of those three is slim to none. Ergo, there’s no point in us meeting you.
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