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Why Do People Stay In Unsatisfying Relationships?

May 6, 2013 by 12 Comments

Name: Alicefrustrated-woman
Comment: I’ve been in a long distance relationship for nearly two years. We get along really well, but have some issues to work through like lack of communication and some sexual incompatibilities (he’s less experienced and isn’t familiar with foreplay, as a result he hasn’t been able to make me orgasm yet). He isn’t good with communicating when we are apart and doesn’t call or text to check in. As a result I feel like he’s completely out of my life when we are apart. He’s the same way with most of his friends and family, so I know it’s not just me: and he shows that he cares about me in many other ways when we are together. I’ve brought up both issues but he always falls back into old habits within a few days, and it’s hard for me to bring up the sex issues when we only spend a few days together at a time.

Whenever I brought up the future of our relationship he says that he’s interested in the long term, but he still hasn’t made any definitive commitments. I can’t move to where he lives because it’s a smaller city and I wouldn’t find work there: but I am willing to move anywhere else. His job allows him to work remotely, so he could move anywhere.

I’m getting to the point where I’m frustrated with the distance, and because of the lack of communication between visits I don’t think I can do the on-and-off thing much longer. It feels like I have an amazing relationship for one week a month and that I’m single and sexually frustrated the rest of the time (without the option of dating or having casual sex, something that I’ve been quite accustomed to when I was single). I also don’t want to put on too much pressure and sometimes wonder if I’m being too selfish and impatient. I’m interested in a long-term commitment and eventually starting a family: he’s expressed that he’s not adverse to kids but that it’s not something he thinks about often. I haven’t been able to get a “yes” or “no”, but I’m feeling that we’ve been together long enough that I need to either move forward or move on.
Age: 28
City: Vancouver
State: BC

 

Is this relationship really worth it? You don’t see each other that often and he doesn’t communicate or keep in touch on a regular basis. Even worse, he doesn’t satisfy you sexually. I don’t get it. What are you clinging to?

It sounds like you know this isn’t working but you’re just afraid to cut the chord. Maybe you don’t want to let go unless you know you have a soft place to land, so to speak? You seem to be choosing to stay in this holding pattern, maybe out of obligation, maybe out of fear. I’m not sure of the exact reason. I think you need to have a very blunt talk with this guy about where you stand and what you need. But then, you’ve done that. And things haven’t changed.

You’re delaying the inevitable. Stop doing that.

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dysfunction Junction, Long Distance Love, Sex, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

If They’re Out of Your League, They’re Up To No Good

April 2, 2013 by 37 Comments

Name: Sarah
City: Austin
State: Texas
Comment: In my mind, I know the answer to my question, but in my heart – I guess I need to hear it from other people.

I met a man back in December – he pursued hanging out with me – just fun, going out stuff, not dates. This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently. I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me. I researched him online and got the impression that he might be married. So I asked him – he came clean and indicated that he was separated, but still in the same house, but was going to move out & start divorce proceedings. Since it had been a long-term marriage (more than 15 years) and there were two kids – I was wary. I basically said we’d have to cool it until he really moved out & I could see that he was being honest about proceeding with a divorce. He did move out shortly thereafter and we resumed talking and dating. During the course of all of this, he would constantly send me texts – you’re awesome! and give me affirmations of his interest – I think about you all the time, I miss you when you’re not around, I feel like we have such a unique situation, etc. BUT he would also say – i’m all messed up in my head, I don’t really know what I’m looking for, etc. Again – I expressed my concern – saying that I wondered if he thought I was so awesome or if it felt so special because what he was coming from had felt so wrong for such a long time. So I tried to protect myself…but it’s hard when you DO feel a connection and you DO feel like this could be someone for the long-term and they are also expressing that. Then after about 2 months he started to pull away. Saying that he felt guilty about not spending more time with his kids and that he really needed to get busy and finalize things and clear up his personal situation. MY understanding from our conversation was that we were going to keep it casual, still see each other but try to “pump the brakes” so to speak. However, it’s now been a week and I haven’t seen him and I’ve only had one text saying hello/hope you are having a nice weekend. I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting? I was REALLY ok with taking a step back & being more casual for a little while to see if we truly had a connection but I didn’t expect it to just disintegrate completely. Do I just relax, not contact him & let him contact me? Or do I push for resolution and ask him to explain what is going on? Give up entirely?
Age: 41

 

I’ve had difficulty finding someone that isn’t intimidated by my career or me.

Let’s address this point first. This? This is in your head. No confident and secure man is intimidated by a woman, for any reason. Stop telling yourself this to make yourself feel better. Either you’re drawn to men with issues or there is something unlikeable about you. Those are the only to options to explain this phenomenon.

This man, on paper, seemed like an ideal fit for me – well-educated, good/high profile job, interesting, attractive and was more on my “level” than many of the other men I had been meeting recently.

If this guy was atypical for what you generally meet, that likely means that something about his interest was disingenuous somehow. Sorry, but it does.  The fact that he didn’t even tell you he was married, knowing how the internet works and how common it is to Google someone, means he didn’t care enough to tell you about his status. He wasn’t concerned if you found out. Why? Because he didn’t actually care, period. That was the second red flag that this guy was going to fade. The first was that this dream man appeared in your life at all.

I get the desire to meet someone with a similar intellect or life experience. But the reality is that if we struggle to find that well educated and polished needle in a hay stack, then we should question when one falls in our lap rather effortlessly. I’m choosing to ignore the whole “on my level” thing. Holding out for that guy hasn’t served you well so far. You’re not going to readjust your expectations or self-perception until you get tired of the disappointment and frustration.

This guy was looking to get laid and likely never expected to stay involved with you in any way once that happened. He’s investing time by sending texts. That’s all part of the maintenance involved with cultivating a roster of options. He’s dipping his toe pack in the pool in order to see what is out there before he finally makes the move and leaves his marriage. He doesn’t want to let go of one branch without making sure there will be others to grasp.

I’m confused – how does he go from thinking I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread (or at least expressing those feelings) to just no contact, no meeting?

Easy peasy. He never thought you were the greatest thing since sliced bread in the first place. It was an act. Remember what I said about guys up to no good who pile it on are being disingenuous? This is a perfect example.

His reason for pulling back is that he senses you’re looking for a relationship and that’s not something he can offer. The stuff about his kids and needing to get his head straight, while I’m sure true to some degree, are not why he’s fading. This guy isn’t interested in you in the way you are interested in him. Let it go.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Dating Over 40, Red Flags, Rejection, The Talk, The Unavailable Man/Woman, To Settle or Not To Settle, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Define Long Term Dating, Short Term Dating & Casual Sex

March 26, 2013 by 11 Comments

So…how do you define each of the three main relationship options on OKCupid?

Here are my definitions.

Short Term Dating: Open ended dating and consistent sex without exclusivity.

Casual Sex: Let’s meet up and do it.

Long Term Dating: Serious relationship leading to commitment i.e. exclusivity or marriage.

 

Next question:

If someone selects casual sex as an option as well as short/long term dating, does that prevent you from emailing them?

Finally:

If someone only selects long-term dating, does that prevent you from contacting them?

 

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Filed Under: Dating, OKCupid, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Just Say No To Asking Him Out

September 12, 2012 by 54 Comments

Part of an article I recently wrote for Your Tango’s Expert series contained 5 pieces of advice that women should never take at face value when they hear it from their girlfriends. One point has actually been getting some coverage in the dating blogosphere of late. That would be the “controversy” over whether or not a woman should ask a man out.

Unless you genuinely believe that a man is too timid or shy or otherwise in the dark about your interest, you should wait for him to do the asking. The reason is simple: because men freely admit to arbitrarily raising and lowering their standards depending on the situation. Meaning that, if sex is offered, he’s likely to take it regardless of how attracted or interested he actually is. Since there isn’t the rampant slut shaming amongst men like there is women, men aren’t particularly concerned with being labeled “easy.” – 5 Misleading Dating Tips Your Girlfriends Give

The reason I don’t think women should ask men out has nothing to do with shifting the power dynamic or setting a precedent. It has to do with one simple issue:

Sex.

From the How About We piece:

But, most guys aren’t assholes of such cartoonish proportions. I think most guys actually try to do “the right thing.” And on a conscious level, they know it’s not cool to feign interest in a girl just to get her naked, especially if it seems like she wants more than just a fling.

And that’s when the subconscious rationalizing begins:

“Well, I’d sleep with her. And I’m pretty sure she’s interested. But, I’d never want to date her….”

“Alright, be cool then. Just talk to her and be friendly….”

“Oh, look at that. She just kissed me. Hmm….”

“Alright, Conscience. Look, dude, she freaking just kissed me! You can’t possibly expect me to turn her away, right? As long as she kisses me first, then I can totally hook up with her, and you won’t lay all that guilt on me afterwards, right? Right?”

 

I disagree that men rationalize anything when they have sex. If it is offered and they’re up for it, they will take it. They don’t feel bad about it afterwards, even if the woman starts in with, ‘But I thought we really connected!” If she doesn’t state very plainly upfront what she expects from the relationship (not the sex!) then he’s just going to say yes. He’s not responsible for her feelings, even if he senses that she’s more interested than he is. That’s because most men don’t attach expectations to sex. The whole “but she’s a woman! She has Feels!” doesn’t fly with them, and frankly it shouldn’t. Especially if she’s choosing to do the asking, thereby assuming the male role. Never, ever expect a man to feel responsible for you or your feels before he’s invested or committed.

Few men have to rationalize having sex. That’s mostly a female trait. But the guys who do, along with the guys who don’t, present a “danger’ to the women who make the first move. Even if he’s moderately interested, he will accept that date. And if sex is offered quickly, and I’m betting it usually is in these situations, he will take it.

See, there’s a connection between the women who ask men out and the women who put out. That’s what many men are banking on, which is why they accept. The women who ask men out often times – but not exclusively – are of the “I can date like a man” mentality. Which means their perceptions of dating and sex are based on their usually negative experiences and reliance that their girlfriends are telling them the truth about how they met their guy. They are the ‘I can have sex like a man’ women. And they can’t. Sorry, ladies. You do it to yourselves.

Since women tend to be more status conscious and picky, they believe that men are as discerning when accepting a date. They aren’t. Unless you’re completely unfortunate looking, and they have a slot open on the calendar, they’ll say yes. Sometimes they’ll say yes with absolutely no intention of every meeting up. They just want to back out of the conversation slowly. Others will accept the invitation thinking their chances of scoring pretty effortlessly are higher. And, yes, some will actually be interested but were too shy or in the dark about the woman’s interest to do the asking. But those men are not the majority.

The only time a woman should ask a man out is if she’s completely accepting and understanding that a man might say yes but not be terribly interested. If she can function under the belief that what he or her girlfriends think doesn’t matter, then she should go for it. Otherwise, don’t do it.

**This does not include online dating. With online dating, all rules go out the window.

 

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Filed Under: Article Roundup, Critical Thinking, Date Like a Man, Dating, Traditional Dating Rules, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Women & Making The First Move

March 5, 2012 by 56 Comments

I was working with a female client yesterday reviewing her profile. One standard question I always ask people in their session is how proactive they are in contacting members. Most women say they do, but don’t seem thrilled about having to do it. This client yesterday told me she stopped contacting men because a coach she worked with recently told her not to. He said that, if a woman were to initiate contact with him on a dating site, he would assume something was wrong with her and would not consider her for anything other than sex.

I was horrified. Not just because his advice was beyond atrocious but because this woman clearly believed him.

What was really upsetting is that the woman never once stopped and considered what type of person would actually think the way this dating coach said many men think. Somebody who would wonder what was wrong with a person strictly because that person responded to their profile has obvious self-esteem issues of their own. Nobody with a healthy level of self-esteem would question that value or stability of someone else for showing interest in them.

I explained to her that advice like that was nonsense and used to exploit a woman’s vulnerability. And it is. It truly is. When dating online, the traditional gender roles need to be thrown out the window. That means that, sometimes, women need to make the first move. They also have to be smart about

In the online world, I think women not only should be assertive and initiate contact but have to. The men they want to meet, as opposed to the ones that contact them, are likely being pursued by other women. These guys don’t have to invest much time in to crafting emails and sending winks. They’re already being approached. If the goal is to meet people of a specific type, then everybody needs to be more proactive. If you’re not getting many, or any, responses then that person either isn’t interested, is already engaging someone else, or not eager to meet anyone. Don’t just assume it’s because they don’t find you attractive. Of course, if you’re constantly contacting people of a certain caliber, let’s say, and you get no responses, then it’s probably time to lower your standards a bit.My friend M. and I disagree on this. He thinks that women should only pick from the men that contact them. Obviously, this does offer quit a bit more security for the woman. Though it isn’t fail-proof. What women need to learn is to discern which guys have a bevvy of options and therefore will be more likely to either ignore them or just add them to a roster. Of course, that requires knowing what league you’re in and what you can feasibly pull. If you’re not getting certain types of men to approach you offline, then it’s unlikely you’ll have more success getting them to notice you online. Sad reality: If you’re in your late thirties or older, it’s sort of pointless to contact men your own age or younger if you’re looking for a serious relationship. Certainly throw your hat in to the ring, but don’t expect much. Those guys have way too many options and are naturally inclined to prioritize the younger women. (On a related topic, if you’re a woman and you want to  try speeddating, choose an event where you are in the lower half of the age range.)

In any case, there’s no time to just sit back and wait. Like we’ve said before, the online dating process has intensified things and sped everything up. You don’t want him? Someone else will take him. If you find something obscure about him that’s attractive, it’s guaranteed that another woman does as well. So get to steppin’.

Now, let’s talk about initiating the first move sexually. I’ve frequently stated that I believed that most men don’t judge women for having sex on the first date. I stand by that. However, and I’ve said this before, I do think men question a woman if she appear too comfortable with sleeping with a guy on the first date. It’s one thing to accept a guy’s invitation to “see you home” (my favorite) and then inviting him upstairs “for a drink.” Both parties know – or should know – that this is code for getting it on.  It’s another to flat out proposition a guy or suggest they take things back to her/his place. Not only is the woman making herself uncomfortably vulnerable, but she’s telegraphing to a man that she has done this before. In a casual situation, there’s nothing wrong with this. But if the woman is looking for more then she should let the guy think that the sexy time was his idea and she was just swept up in the moment. The guy wants to feel special, like there’s something unique about him that made this woman throw away the rules and risk everything just to be with him. Adorable!

I’m sure a lot of women might disagree and say that they’ve had “success” with being the sexual aggressor. In those cases, they’re usually equating “success” with “length of time.” Getting a man to sleep with you on a regular basis is not difficult. You and he may have never had any issues or conflict,and you may have mixed the sex with casual dates here and there. But you didn’t necessarily have a “long term relationship” with them. Not in the traditional sense, anyway. You had a relationship of some kind. But without the prerequisite sacrifice that we’ve discussed, it’s not a “real” relationship. The man’s hesitancy to take it to the next level could be because the woman was the one to make the sexual first move.  That’s not always the case, but it absolutely is a possibility. To pretend that it isn’t is being willfully ignorant and naive.

So, what do you all think? Should women take more initiative online? Do you agree that they should let the man make the first sexual move?

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Friends With Benefits, Gender Roles, Latests Posts, Low Hanging Fruit, Online Dating, Sex, sexuality, Traditional Dating Rules, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , ,

Guys Don’t Want to Date “One of The Guys”

February 20, 2012 by 24 Comments

Name: Lucy
State: New York
Age: 42
Comment: Hi there Moxie!
I was recently introduced to a man by a mutual friend. We are both triathletes so I was interested in meeting him. The guy and I met up for a bike ride. He did mention he was inviting a couple of his friends along. A couple of hours into the ride, I realized I was not that into him, but I was open to having a new cycling buddy along with his friends that seemed to be nice guys as well. The next day, the guy texts me to tell me that riding was fun and they all enjoyed having me along. He ended the text by saying that his friend “Phil” wanted to know if he can have my number so that we can go running together. I said sure. Phil texts me and we set up to meet for a long run, 17 miles. He was a great guy and after 2 1/2 hours of running, I thought I would like to see him again. He texted me that same day to let me know how he enjoyed the run together and sent me some tips on running and cycling and that he will see me soon. He had a race the following weekend so I sent him a good luck message and to let me know how he did. He responds after his race and tells me the race was tough. He asked me how my training had been going. I reponded that it was a tough 19 miles for me. I have not heard from him since (4 days). Being that we were in constant contact either calling/texting or emailing, I’m wondering if he is just not that into me or just uber focused on another race this weekend. Should I reach out or let him?

 

Most men are fairly in the dark when it comes knowing when a woman is flirting with them. By keeping the topic and tone of the messages to cycling, you’re giving him the impression that your interest in him stops there. You need to switch the conversation to something more flirty and personal.Right now, you’re some running buddy. He’s not seeing you as a possible date for two reasons – you’re playing up the athletic/sporty thing by sticking to that topic, which isn’t terribly feminine, and you’re not making the conversation flirty or personal. He very well might be interested and feeling you out. But you’re not giving him anything to go on. Men, especially shy or reserved men, need  a little push.

Change the subject in your next text. Ask him how his day was. Lead him off that running path into a conversation that’s more personal. That’s what he is waiting to see from you, and that’s probably why he hasn’t asked you to get together. Or he’s just not interested. But the only way to know that short of asking him out (which I don’t recommend unless the guy is just not picking up your signals) is to take things to a more personal level.   Basically, you’re Friend Zoning yourself right now.  You’re being “one of the guys.” That’s not what guys wants.

I was working with two women on their profiles yesterday. Both women made it a point to express their love of baseball and beer or golf and sailing. When I explained to them that most men don’t see that as a selling point, they asked why. My answer was pretty simple: because those things aren’t feminine. That and most men aren’t looking for someone to go golfing with or to attend a Yankees game and throw back a few brews. They can do that with their guy friends. It’s not a bad thing if a woman enjoys those activities. It’s just not something that scores them points in a dating profile or on a the first few dates.

This is the mistake so many women make in their profiles. They try too hard to seem like “one of the guys.” They talk up their jobs, their financial security, all the athletic activities they do, and they don’t showcase their more uniquely feminine traits.

In many cases, the women don’t really have any. They’ve been shutting them down for so long that they’ve atrophied. Or they refuse to sell themselves this way because they think it makes them submissive. Ignore the women who tell you men are intimidated by strong women. It’s a lie. The majority of men are not scared off by a strong woman.

There are some women who are able to use their more masculine attributes to their benefit. They tend to attract what men who have more feminine qualities. (Not to be confused with effeminate qualities.) It works for them. How do you know if that works for you? Well, it works. You meet men on or offline that compliment your personality and energy.

Some of us, though, (raises hand) have to consciously temper our more “masculine” side. :)

Something else that turns men off? A woman who tries to adapt a too-casual attitude towards sex. It’s one thing if the woman doesn’t have sexual hang ups or is sexually assertive. It’s another if she acts like this is something she does all the time. There’s confident (which is good) and then there’s programmed, where you come across completely detached from the whole experience. That turns men off. That’s why men hesitate when a woman proposes no strings sex out of the blue when they barely know each other. If there’s an established friendship or relationship, it’s not as tricky. But if you meet a guy at a party, bar or online and only chat a bit, it’s going to throw most men off. Especially if you “pitch” it.  You know, give them the whole schpiel about how you’re not looking for anything serious and just want casual sex and you find them attractive, blah blah. Don’t do that. That’s a case of a woman thinking she’s acting “like a guy” so she presents herself the way she thinks a guy would act in that case. Why? Because women are in love with the idea of an “honest” guy. Nothing says “I can’t get laid to save my life because every guy thinks I’m crazy” than that speech. Just ask them to meet for a drink and let things unfold organically.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, Friend Zone, Gender Roles, Latests Posts, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, The Friend Zone, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , ,

What’s Your Dating Timetable?

February 16, 2012 by 12 Comments

Here’s another question from our He Said/She Said event the other night.

Ladies, do you have a timetable in your mind on how long you want to date before you move in or get married?

 

I think there are a lot of factors involved with this like age, relationship goals AND relationship history. If a woman has had a hard time finding a man who wanted to commit, or dated men who hesitated to commit, the urgency for commitment and milestone achievement can grow. We saw an example of this in a recent letter. The harder it becomes to find someone who wants a relationship, the more anxious some women tend to get about the relationship progressing. Unfortunately, this anxiousness also messes with our need to do a little critical thinking. We want to believe everything is “normal” or “typical” that we ignore that little voice in our head that suggests we take a step back and look at the situation objectively and realistically.

The other factor here is that many women tend to use their friend’s relationships as a benchmark. Which is funny, because I can guarantee you that the stories they have heard from their girlfriends are at least a little embellished or skewed.Basically, they’re basing their own schedule on a relationship that doesn’t really exist.

This question raises an interesting subject. What do you think is he typical time frame for reaching various stages of a relationship?I’m posing these questions to both men and women.

  • When do you meet their friends?
  • When do you Facebook Friend them? (Yes, an actual milestone now.)
  • When do you meet their family?
  • When do you have sex?
  • When do you spend holidays together?
  • When do you travel together?
  • When do you discuss where the relationship is going/exclusivity?
  • When do you talk about living together or marriage?
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Filed Under: Commitment, Dating, He Said/She Said, Latests Posts, Monogamy, Red Flags, Sex, Shackin' Up, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , ,

How Do You Know If It’s a Real Relationship?

January 18, 2012 by 141 Comments

Name: chuckrock
State: new york
Age: 35
Comment: Hi Moxie,

After a brief hiatus, I started reading the blog again and it has prompted me to send in a question for your review and dissection. One of the reasons I had stopped reading a few months ago was because it was clear to me the difference of opinion that I have on the whole dating process than both you and many of the regular responders. This is the reason, now, that I think it worthwhile to discuss this issue though.

I’ve been dating my current girlfriend just over 8 months now. Things are going well enough on most people’s standards, I would think. In no particular order: we spent the holidays with each other and each other’s family, my family and friends love her, we spend most weekends together and sometimes see each other during the week, she does a lot of “little” very thoughtful things for me, we have gone a couple short vacations together, and (at least from my point of view) I actually miss her when we aren’t together.

So, as we come closer to the year mark, I suppose we will start getting closer to actually looking towards long term commitment. We’re not too young (35 & 31) and I know  that I do not want to wait as long as I did with my ex prior to moving to the next stage (whether that be living together/getting engaged etc.) She is currently looking to buy a house on her own. She lives with her parents (has for past couple of years) and will likely put a bid in on a house in the next couple of weeks. I rent an apartment which I will likely have to leave by the end of the summer.

She asks me questions about my opinions about the houses she looks at, but I am hesitant to answer them usually. I don’t want to give the impression that I am assuming I will be living there eventually also. But I would imagine  due to our situations, that if she buys something and we do decide to live together the thing that makes sense would be for me to move into her place.

So I’ve been walking a thin line with giving input to her search. How do I go about being supportive in her decision, helping her figure out what is best for her without looking like I have a vested interest in the result? Obviously I want her to buy something that she’ll be happy with whether or not i remain in the picture, but I can’t help but think that I will be.

Also, if she was still at her parents house when i moved out of my current place, i’d likely inquire about living together upon my move. (considering the timing, etc.)  If she is buying a house, I feel the asking to move in probably falls on her to initiate; how long do i wait after she buys the house to bring up living together or do I just totally wait for it to come from her? For the record, i very much need to live with someone prior to engagement – and she already knows this about me.

thanks much.
State: new york

 

Before I get in to my feedback, I replied to Chuckrock and asked him how often he and his girlfriend see each other and when they began to sleeping together. He said:

Well, almost every weekend we spend sat. afternoon through sunday night together. Sometimes (maybe once a month) we start hanging out on friday night (it depends on the pans for that particular weekend). Also, maybe every third week, we see each other one evening during the week for a movie or dinner or something like that. We are having sex. It took longer to get there than i would have liked, but did eventually get there and now we do almost anytime she stays over my place.We slept together around the 4 month mark but it didn’t become a regular thing until about the 5 month mark. I believe she put herself on birth control during this time and was more willing to once she was.

I’m going to maintain my original stance from way back when you first started talking about this woman. This relationship is pretty much non-existent. (ETA: To clarify, this doesn’t feel like a mature or adult relationship.)

I don’t put much stock in meeting family or taking trips together. It doesn’t mean much to me. As I’ve said, these are milestones that many people put  a lot of stock in that ultimately mean nothing if there’s no genuine commitment behind them.

It’s been 8 months. You two see each other pretty much once a week save for the occasional week night sleep over or Friday sleep over. On top of that, it took her 4 months to have sex with you. Plus you’re not even having sex regularly when you do get together.  How does any of this really help you determine true compatibility? You barely spend any time together.

We’ve spoken about the men who will “commit” to a woman and say he’s their boyfriend and do all the things that men in committed relationships are believed to do. Like invite women on trips and meet family. They do all of this knowing the relationship is temporary and will end. But it works for now and it’s better than being alone. The attention and companionship is nice, but not something they would fight for. As long as things stay low maintenance they’ll stick around. Spending 3 days with her family is a small price to pay for 3 months of simplicity.

I’m thinking that’s what your situation is, Chuck. To be honest, I don’t know how you could possibly be thinking about taking this further when many of the signs point to this being  a dead end relationship or one of convenience for her. You haven’t even had a trial run at living together, nor do you have much consistent time together at all. That’s your next step. Not co-habitating.

To me, this feels like a situation where a woman wants a boyfriend, not a relationship. She wants someone to bring to holiday parties and meet her friends and who affords her the opportunity to say, “My boyfriend and I are going away for the weekend.”

Since she began her search for her home, has she at all discussed the possibility of you living there with her?  If she hasn’t, why not? Is she waiting for you to broach the topic? If so, my suggestion is to bring it up. You appear to be the one thinking long term. She doesn’t. She seems to be functioning independently of you and of the relationship. That can’t be a good sign.

Throughout this relationship you’ve been letting her drag you around by your balls. Is that what you want?

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Latests Posts, Polyamory, Shackin' Up, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , ,

How Feminine Do Men Want Women To Be?

November 20, 2011 by 135 Comments

First, perhaps people need to take a closer look and understand the difference between a woman who’s personal goal is to be strong and independent, and a woman who also wishes others to see her as strong and independent. the first type get their personal satisfaction by drawing boundaries, and only go on the offensive when those boundaries aren’t being respected. while the latter type, often adopt a behavior that would facilitate the way which they wish to be seen. the first type rarely announce their strength or independence, while the latter type, you can almost expect them to announce such on a regular basic and through many of their actions.

of the female friends I have, almost all of them can be considered strong and independent, because almost all of them have proven so by their own actions and their own lifestyle. yet out of all of them, only two of them have the need to display their strong and independent self, both of them go through lengths to act both directly or indirectly, in order to get people around them recognize their strength and independence. and here is the funny thing, I can describe them both, quite easily, as bossy and domineering. and being a extremely independent guy myself, I would often run into major problems with those two because their need to display and my need to maintain my dignity as a man would come clashing. – Visitor

 

“when you talk about women who have transformed themselves into men, what do you mean by that?” I’m referring to how many women seem to think they need to become masculine (or what they think is masculine) to be equal to men, thereby rejecting their (and other women’s) femininity as inferior. That can only come from deep insecurity and self-loathing, which is never attractive.

“Do you mean women who don’t have a feminine appearance?” That’s a small part of it; just look at the ridicule Hillary Clinton has endured for her entire career for always wearing pantsuits and for her butch haircuts. There are clear physical differences between men and women, and men naturally prefer women who embrace those differences over women who try to hide or ignore them.

“Or do you mean women who exhibit qualities that, when exhibited by men, are admired by both women and men, but when exhibited by women, are not similarly admired by men?” That’s it, in a nutshell.

Furthermore, such women often model the worst, rather than the best, characteristics of men–and then wonder why neither men nor women like them. That can only come from a deep hatred of men, which for obvious reasons is not attractive to men. – Crotch Rocket

 

Strong and independent should never be perceived as solely masculine characteristics. This guy says in a related post, “Strong and independent are two wonderful adjectives that belong to men” and has himself decided that any woman who considers herself strong and independent is instead “bossy and domineering.”

Some of the other stuff, yes, that’s high maintenance BS…I don’t think either gender should be “demanding,” “aggressive,” “difficult,” or “uncompromising.” Those are just negative qualities, period.

But someone who says…it’s OK for a man to be a certain way, but not for a woman, with qualities that otherwise have positive correlations…that’s usually an indication that someone is insecure, resentful, and/or sexist. And yes, angry. Maybe he has a female boss who he doesn’t like, or realized that someone he dated wasn’t the demure deferential type of woman he wanted, but that doesn’t mean he gets to redefine the language. I don’t read female profiles, so I’m not sure what others are out there saying…but I’ve had no problem attracting the type of man I’m looking for without downplaying my professional success or personality attributes. – P.

We’ve parsed the whole “are men intimidated by strong women” idea before around here. I’ve always said that I didn’t believe that, that it was one of those myths women like to tell each other. I don’t think most men think it’s a bad thing for women to be strong or independent. The problem most men have is that women, like CR said, interpret those words inaccurately, which makes the execution of such attributes come across as abrasive or demanding.
As it’s been said here, men find a woman’s professional success attractive only in that it’s something to which they can relate. It’s nice. But it’s not a requirement. The men who do intentionally seek out a woman with a certain level of career (read: financial) success are the men who have been burnt in the past, fleeced in a divorce or who are looking for someone to support them. But overall, it’s not a selling point.
But let’s talk femininity for a second. What exactly does that mean any more? We’ve frequently discussed how the idea and definition of masculinity has changed in recent years. So has femininity. It used to be distinctly defined by a woman’s ability to be demure or coy. But that doesn’t seem accurate or even appropriate anymore. I feel a woman can be strong and assertive and still maintain a distinct femininity.
I’ve used TV characters as examples in the past. Namely Diane Lockhart (Chrsitine Baranski) of The Good Wife. She’s powerful, she’s strong, she’s assertive, she’s outspoken…yet she, to me, is quite feminine. Maybe it’s her voice, that she never raises, or her fashion style. It sounds silly, but things like that seem to counter-act any overt “masculinity” that might be going on. That’s why I never wear pants on a date. Only dresses or skirts.
I want to throw another out there and see what people think. Not sure if anyone watched American Horror Story (If not, Jesus, start watching it. Catch it on demand.) For those of you who watch, I’m referring to Young Moira. Now, there’s no question that she’s extremely sexually aggressive. Yet, to me, she maintains a balance of both masculine and feminine traits. Again, maybe it’s the outfit she wears, the old school and rather short maid costume. Or maybe it’s her soft yet somewhat raspy voice. There’s something notably feminine about her that I was never able to see in our friend Samantha Jones from Sex & The City. Samantha, to me, always seemed too masculine to me. So much so that it overpowered her physical femininity, which was pretty powerful in and of itself. Samantha had an amazing body. But her demeanor was far too brash for me to consider her feminine.
I’m interested to hear – both from men and women – what they consider feminine. With all the talk about women being too “masculine” I want to hear what people use to detect or measure a woman’s femininity. If you have examples from YV or movies, feel free to share them.
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Filed Under: Dating, Gender Roles, Latests Posts, Popular Posts - 2, Traditional Dating Rules, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today

Cultural Differences, Kids, Jobs… Or Just An Excuse Not To Get Serious?

October 20, 2011 by 38 Comments

Name: Yesenia
State: WA
Age:  30
Comment: My last 3 boyfriends have been Indian. They were super fun but most of all they  where all very sweet and caring. So what is the problem? The problem was that I was not Indian. I’m an engineer with a masters degree that was about the only thing the moms liked about me. I’m Latin and the last one told me that his mom would die if he took a Latino woman home, right before telling me we had a few months before he had to go back home to marry a women his parents picked for him. My question is why  is it that they bother dating and looking for a relationship they know they will never be able to have without being judged by their family? Do they just want to have fun? If you are an Indian man and you are reading this, Why? why do you make someone like me lose my time and yours?

 

 

Do they just want to have fun?

In a word? Yes. Take the cultural issue out of the equation and this is no different than what happens all the time – Person A knows what they prefer in a serious or long term partner, but date Person B any way, knowing it has no future. Why do they do it? Because they’re thinking of themselves, and not considering the feelings of Person B.

There was a similar discussion a few weeks ago in regards to a man using his family as an excuse to not date someone seriously. While I have no doubt that some cultures do have very strict rules regarding marriage, it also wouldn’t surprise me in the least if people used their families or traditions as an escape clause of sorts. That way they’re not the bad guy. “Oh, baby, if it were up to me I’d TOTALLY be with you. But my family…” That’s a conversation stopper. Say one thing wrong and you risk offending him and his family.

There are a other similar exit strategies that people use:

1. A recent break up or divorce.

2. Kids

3. Jobs

Any time someone brings these up in the first few dates or on an online dating profile, they are laying down a huge boundary and sending a distinct message. This is temporary. This will revolve around me and my schedule. They will use these issues whenever they can. Yes, even kids. Which is why I would always click past any profile on a dating site where the guy was posed with their children or who went out of their way to state that their children are their priorities/center of their worlds. It’s a given that kids will be a priority. I wouldn’t expect anything different. But to make it a point to tell readers of a profile is putting a disclaimer on the ensuing relationship. It’s the same as when people who say  they’re just out of a relationship, looking for friends first, work a lot, etc.

It’s hard to argue against traditions, cultures and religious beliefs. Sure, it’s easy to say, “Geez…he’s an adult. Why can’t he just tell his parents that he wants to choose his own wife?” Easier said than done.  You might end up sounding like you don’t regard or respect that person’s beliefs or cultural traditions. It’s a touchy subject. As antiquated as it may sound to take part in an arranged marriage…it’s not up to you or anyone else to question the validity of such beliefs.

To be honest, I’d be offended if someone ever told me that they could never take me home to meet their family because of my ethnicity, race or faith…but then proceeded to date or have sex with me. If they never even tried to introduce me to their family, that would speak volumes about how they really felt.

I’m not sure at what point in the relationship these men are telling you this. If they told you in the beginning that the relationship had an expiration date, and you stayed, then part of the responsibility lies with you for not only staying with these men, but continuing to date them.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Race, It's Him, Latests Posts, Traditional Dating Rules Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,
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