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Are You The Catch That You Think You Are?

April 30, 2013 by 45 Comments

Name: Sarahwonka
Comment: i’m 30, attractive, independent, confident, and have a successful job. I am the total package, but I can’t seem to attract the right guy for me. It seems that the guys I’m interested in aren’t interested in me and the ones I’m not interested in, like me. I’m actually trying to get over someone that I’m infatuated with, but I often find myself comparing every other guy I meet to him. The truth is I really want to be with him and no one else, but I’m several years older than him and I don’t know how he feels about me. Thusly, I’ve been trying to meet other guys in hopes  to get over the one I’m infatuated with. However, I just haven’t met someone worth my time. I want nothing to do with them and so far none of them have been my type. I am willing to give different guys a chance, but I typically leave the date at the end of the night relieved that it’s over and that I never want to see them again. I’ve tried speed dating, online dating, going out with friends, etc. But haven’t met anyone and it’s frustrating. I don’t know what to do or what I’m doing wrong. I feel like I’m being picky,  but I refuse to settle. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Age: 30
City: Boston
State: Ma

 

I don’t think you’re being picky. I think you’re fixated on someone that you can’t have and refuse to let him go. That’s what is holding you back. You’re not coming across as available.

You can put yourself out there in a multitude of ways, but if you’re not truly willing to give someone a chance, then you’re wasting everybody’s time. This guy you’re infatuated with? If he wanted to be with you, he would be. It’s that simple. Sitting around pining for something that will never come to fruition is counter-productive.

There’s nothing I can say that will get you un-stuck. You’re going to have to get there on your own. The last thing you want to do is continue to tell yourself how you’re trying and you’re being flexible, etc etc. You’re not. The solution to your non-problem is to finally confront and accept that you’re never going to have this younger guy. Ever. Time to start the grieving process of this relationship that never was.

You’re delaying the inevitable because you’d rather hold on to the idea of a relationship – no matter how fictitious – that actually have one.

i’m 30, attractive, independent, confident, and have a successful job. I am the total package

That so? By whose standards? Because other than the attractive part, men don’t care much about these components you believe make you “the total package.”

We briefly touched on this in yesterday’s post. I have a feeling that most people are in the dark as to just how appealing and attractive the opposite sex finds them. I also think people are clueless as to the impressions they make on people that they meet. Independent, confident and successful, you say? I tend to ascribe to the “if you have to say it, you aren’t” philosophy. You might think you’re independent, but I’d bet many people see you as aloof, and that your confidence is regularly construed as abrasiveness. If you’re doing all these things trying to meet someone, and you’re such a catch, and you’re not meeting anybody, there’s a problem.

I am willing to give different guys a chance,

Well, that’s might gracious of you. What would you say if I told you that I bet some of those men are thinking the exact thing about you? You’re quite taken with yourself, and it shows. You’re not doing these men favors by agreeing to let them spend money on you. You realize that, don’t you?

However, I just haven’t met someone worth my time.

Slow down, Princess Grace. Worth your time? Orly? Do go on and explain to the class why your time is more valuable than another person’s time. I’ll wait here with my imaginary boyfriend Jeremy Renner.

jeremy-renner-on-aussie-tv

There’s a great saying that I like and have uploaded as my Gmail avatar:

 

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it’s supposed to be.

 

Nothing will impede someone’s ability to find a partner more than inordinate expectations, because usually those expectations are derived from a bunch of false ideas.  They’ve created this image in their head of what it is all supposed to look like, all based on distorted perceptions and understandings of themselves and relationships.

The OP sees herself with someone specific, someone she considers to be on her level. The problem, of course, is that she’s probably not on that level.Few of us ever correctly assign ourselves an accurate desirability rating. Objectivity is often lacking. We completely exclude the most important part of the equation: how other people see us. Until someone accepts and understands that, they will struggle.

Somebody asked the other day how a person could determine their audience. I happen to think that this is an understanding that we develop over time and is based upon experience. The people who provide the least resistance and who actively and consistently demonstrate their interest is typically your audience.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Understanding Men, Understanding Women, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes You Have To Give a Guy a Chance

November 26, 2012 by 22 Comments

Name: TcV
Age: 34
State: Missouri
Question: I am trying to understand the intentions of the last guy I dated in order to avoid any potential future mistakes.  I don’t think I made a mistake here, necessarily.  But, feedback would be great.  I have been a serial monogomist for most of my life, and this is my first time in the dating world; I am also a single mother.  I want to play this game right and don’t want to waste my time, or anyone else’s with nonsense behavior.  That said, here goes. I contacted someone on okc, who replied, we emailed quite a lot online while waiting for the day of our date to arrive. This was the first time I felt a connection on any date and was thrilled (I’d been on 10 or so dates prior-mostly all first dates and happening in the span of about 3 months).  We went on 3 more dates in the next week or so and had a blast.  However, I did see some flags: He was already discussing the possibility of a relationship, saying we have such a strong connection we can’t ignore it.  I suspected he was being agreeable during conversation.  He interrupted me often and seemed to be most interested in either a)talking about himself b)talking about us in the future.  c)he has mostly young, pretty female friends and they mostly drink/party together.  This guy is 31.

I went out of town for a few weeks and we continued to email often.  I am beginning to notice lots of disclaimers and some possible contradictions, then later intentional vagueness about where he would be or who with, and repeating things he had told me in the past.

I return and we have one or two dates before having sex.  In the end this relationship was about 2 months and we had sex 3 times.  In this time, he contacts me nearly daily, has dis-activated his okc profile, is pushing to declare us bf/gf, has paid for everything, and is open to spending a little time with my son.  A lot of work for just sex, in my mind.  He is thoughtful, kind, and makes a genuine effort to communicate.

Well, I decided to end this relationship because he became very defensive and angry if I questioned any of the things that seemed like partial truths, or cover-ups regarding his relationship with these girls (not going to list it all here), and it seemed like he was trying to transition the relationship to one where we stayed home exclusively – never going out together.  His excuse was he spent so much time/energy going out with his friends already.  He also made an excuse about why I had never been invited to his home.

Was I obviously dating someone who was trying to establish a booty call while he stayed out scouting new tail other nights of the week?  Do you see what I was seeing?  Or was I being inappropriately pushy way too early on?  After all, he was the one moving us into relationship mode – not me!  I just suspect he was trying to build a false sense of intimacy between us so I could become a sitting duck to be used.  Or is it just totally normal for things to be this way sometimes in a healthy “just dating” relationship?

Either way I know I made the right choice for myself here.  I just find the getting to know you stage to be so hard and would love to learn from this.  Thank you!

 

Hmm. I found myself alternating between which of you I was siding without throughout this. That means that I feel you both contributed to the demise of this relationship.

In general, I find guys who are overly effusive on the fist few dates kind of suspect. I always tell women that it takes time to determine potential compatibility. I feel it’s the same for men. 3 dates and he’s talking about a “strong connection?” Personally, I don’t trust situations that start off that way. As I said to some friends recently, sometimes that intense, gotta have ‘em all the time pull isn’t necessarily a good thing. There’s something to be said for not being “head over heels” right away and building up to that. Flames that burn that bright and strong almost always burn out pretty quickly. Plus, such an intense attraction can cloud your judgment. It could be that this guy was getting defensive because he felt he had been doing everything right and you weren’t appreciating it. Maybe he wasn’t hiding information as much as refusing to give it to you because he’s already given so much, in his mind.

As for you, you sound like you might be a tad paranoid. It’s great to be cautious. I highly recommend that. But sometimes you just have to bite your tongue and see how things unfold. Needing to know the answers to every little thing will make you seem like, well, a paranoid nag.

You’re right that this sounds like an awful lot of work just to set up a booty call. My guess is one of two things:

He’s just really awkward and bad at relationships and moves too fast only to screw things up.  The reality is that sometimes one person in the relationship has more experience or is just more confident and they have to take the lead.

OR…

He was still dating other people and trying to keep his worlds separate. If he had a room mate, and he’s trying to keep things organized, that would explain why you weren’t invited back to his place.

Do I think that something with him is off? Yes, I do. Between the partying with female friends, to wanting to stay in to not inviting you to his apartment, something sounds fishy. But…it could be that he has an ex he’s trying to prevent from finding out about his new relationship. Or maybe he’s just really bad at relationships and likes to keep things on the down low. Who knows? My point is that sometimes you have to give a guy a chance. You can’t be looking for monsters around every corner. You should be wary and careful and pay attention. But you also have to have a full read on someone – including a baseline – to determine what’s what. You can’t bail every time something seems off. You saw red flags because I suspect you were looking for them. Trust me, when you look for them, you will almost certainly find them. So stop looking for them, pay attention and file things away until you get a more complete picture.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Trust, Red Flags, Sex, Understanding Men, Understanding Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Sexy is Too Sexy for Online Dating Profile Pics?

October 30, 2012 by 6 Comments

Name: Lisa
Website:
Question: Dear Moxie,

My question pertains to profile pictures for women: I know that your general guideline (for women and men alike) is 3-5 photos, including (at least) one clear headshot and one full-body shot.

My question relates to photos in both categories: can you provide some guidance on how sexy is too sexy? A good (male, straight) friend of mine in Los Angeles often asks me to look at the OKC profiles of women he is interested in, and I’m often in awe of *just how sexy* some women are comfortable being. Seeing how commonplace these photos are makes me wonder if I’m too prudish in my own photos. I think every woman would like to appear alluring in her photos, but not necessarily “DTF” or completely narcissistic.

So, Moxie – what is the line between “sexy” and “former stripper?” What do you think of bikini photos and the like? Am I missing out if I don’t have at least one midriff-baring photo in my profile?

–Lisa, 32, Washington, DC

 

The lesson I learned after my “checking the casual sex box” experiment is that it doesn’t take much to get people to sexualize you or make assumptions. Whether you are wearing an over-sized sweat shirt or a bikini, if a man is looking for a woman who is “DTF” (Down To F*ck”) then he is going to approach her and view her in that manner.

Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with being sexy in a photo or two. Breaking news: men like sex. Nobody said a woman can’t use sex to lure a man in. We just say that she needs to follow through or run the risk of coming off like a tease. If sex is used as a lure, understand that men will probably get right to the point and see no need to “play the game.” If anything, it’s a great litmus test. Even without having the casual sex box checked on my profile, I still received messages from men that made comments about my  “hot mouth” or how they have a “curly hair fetish.” They comment on my calves, my legs, etc. I’ve posted the photo I used as my primary profile photo here before. It’s me in a below the knee length black cocktail dress. My hips and breasts are accentuated due to the cut of the dress and my pose. It’s sexy. Because of that photo, guys make assumptions. Not just because of my body, but because of the fact that I posted it in the first place. They assume that I am more direct, so they’re more direct. They’re clowns, of course, and I treat them as such by not replying and blocking them. They tell me I’m beautiful, etc because they’re either cutting to the chase or have no options. The ones that make crude comments, I report. (Sorry, I don’t care what any of you say, there’s a line of what’s appropriate. That I have to explain that to anybody is sad in and of itself. Boo hoo. I reject guys.)

If a guy wants to get laid, he’ll hone in on anything he can and make it sexual to see how the woman reacts. If she responds favorably, she’s just made the cut to the next round of interviews. There’s no point in trying to analyze how sexy is too sexy, as you’ll never be able to totally avoid meeting a man online who will sexualize or judge you.

If you’re looking for an actual “too sexy” barometer, again, that’s subjective. A woman posing in a bikini might just be showing off her body or how fit she is. How men interpret those photos are about them, not her. I think the bigger cause for concern that arises with posting “sexy” photos is that men might assume the woman is just high maintenance/looking for attention and will never being content with compliments from just him. I think anything is fair game as long as you’re willing to own it and that it’s an authentic expression of who you are. Keep the “sexy” pics to a minimum, though. One or two out of five to seven isn’t a big deal.

Your male friend asked you to look over profiles of women he’s considering dating, yes? Well, if he’s interested in these women, what does that tell you? It tells me that the overt sexiness you’re seeing in those photos either doesn’t matter at all to him or doesn’t exist. You said it yourself. You are “in awe” of just how comfortable some women are being sexy. Yet your male friend is attracted to such women. So, is it really that you’re afraid to be seen as “DTF” or are you just threatened by women who express such a sexual confidence and fear they’ll beat you at your own game?

You also have to realize that some of these women your friend found attractive likely post “sexy” photos with the intention of getting attention.They want to get emails from guys telling them how hot they are. These ladies might not have any intention of meeting these guys. Therefore, they don’t care about being judged. The want to be objectified. They shouldn’t be used as a template, if that’s the case.

Since I’ve seen your photos, I’m guessing this is where you want me to tell you that you’re attractive and blah blah and these women are all just slutty slut sluts so don’t worry. I’m not going to do that. I don’t think you’re actually looking for a guideline for what’s appropriate. You want me to tell you those other women are bad and you’re good and they’ll attract nothing but dogs. Sorry, that’s not true. Despite what you hear around the internet, some really good, interesting, decent men like “sluts.” It’s all in the presentation and execution, though.

There real problem here is that you’re uneasy with the fact that men find sex appealing and you fear you might attract the “wrong” guys. Again, allow me to remind you that this is online dating. The “wrong guys” are everywhere. Nobody says you have to go out with them or even sleep with them. If you’re afraid of dating the wrong guys, don’t date at all. Especially online.

Women need to learn to hone, trust and listen to their own instincts. That’s what this all boils down to. Many women want a sure fire way to avoid dating a loser or getting played. There is none. All we have is experience and lessons learned. The women constantly looking for monsters around every corner are ones who lacked inexperience and never learned their lessons.

Someone on topic: I wanted to stick this here so that it would get properly addressed. It’s a comment from a reader:

Is anyone here willing to fess up about paying for a background check? I’m curious as to why, what it cost, and what info they give you. I think Moxie may be right about why for some people, but I also think some of the people who get them might be older? or secret millionaires? And if you get one, and it says absolutely nothing interesting, has the demon been put to rest?

Here’s something I’ll add that I find interesting. In just about all of the stories I have heard from women who tell me of performing a background check or done extensive research on a man, the woman continued to date the man even after finding out “scandalous” things.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Date Outside Your Means, Dating, Online Dating, Understanding Men, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Men Aren’t Intimidated By You. They Just Don’t Like You.

October 9, 2012 by 146 Comments

Name: Sarah
Age: 37
State: NY
Question: I have been going to singles events for the past year and have found that the men are nice but that most of them are less educated and make less money than I do and that it is an issue for the men.  Any recommendations on affordable ways to meet men between the ages of 35-50 in NYC who have a six or seven figure annual income and who want to have a serious relationship?

 

Is it really an issue for the men..or an issue for you? Because most men couldn’t care less if a woman makes more than them or who has a “better” education. They just don’t like to be with women who lord it over them in some way.

To answer your question, the very harsh reality is that if a man is making seven figures, he’s not looking for a woman who is looking for a man who makes seven figures unless he’s just looking for a trophy. In which case, that was about 10 or 12 years ago, dear. Men who make that kind of bank are probably beating women off with sticks or serially dating with no intention of settling into anything serious. Why should they? They have their money and their freedom. Why would they want to risk losing both just to have one woman? Answer: They wouldn’t.

You could join a high end gym if you’re determined to meet these guys. That’ll cost you, though.  There is no such thing as an “affordable” way to meet men pulling down 7 figures. Those guys aren’t chilling at Jamba Juice or at the local New York Sports Club. They’re at expensive places. Of course,  you’ll have to take a number and wait your turn in order to talk to them, let alone date them. You will have some stiff competition from the hostess at the latest trendy restaurant and girl who works at Sephora or Victoria’s Secret. Yes, that’s right. These guys don’t care about education or money. They care about one thing – that you’re hot. Little else matters.

I doubt these men you’re meeting are bothered that you make a lot of money. My guess is they don’t like your expectations and demeanor because of it. Are you not offering to pay the tab or contribute? Are you frequently trying to plan expensive dates? Do you always need to go out? There’s your answer.

If you’re chatting up some guy at a singles event and talking about where you work and where you went to school and about all your not at all interesting but you think they make you sound cultured/educated hobbies,  you immediately pegged as one of “those” women. The ones who can’t make conversation without asking, “So, what do you do?” In short, you’re deemed uptight, shallow and boring. Hot or not, nobody cares. Men with money are happy to spend that money on women they genuinely like to be around and who show appreciation.

If it’s a relationship you seek, then you’re better off looking at the five and maybe six figure guys. Those guys are every where. Public transportation, Starbucks, they gym, etc. There are plenty of six figure guys who attend wine tastings and speeddating events and singles events.They also join athletic groups and gyms. If you’re looking for the 200K+ a year guy, I think you might be out of luck. Most of those guys aren’t looking for a relationship. The ones who are, I’d bet, aren’t ones you would date. Funny how that works, amirite?

You probably have options. You just don’t like any of them. So I think you need to decide what it is exactly that you want and then ask yourself if you’re being realistic.

 

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Filed Under: Date Outside Your Means, Dating & Finances, Dating & Height, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Meeting Men, Understanding Men, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Great Dating Advice or Just A Way To Get Dumped?

August 28, 2012 by 25 Comments

A friend just sent me this article this afternoon. The funny thing is that I actually have seen the OKC dating profile of the guy who wrote this. He admits that he’s a writer for Match.com. I went to find it today so I could talk to him about this piece, but his profile is down. Womp Womp.

Anywhoo, the advice in it is fine. Unfortunately, the problem isn’t the advice but how many women will interpret it.

1. He loves that you indulge at dinnertime. Yes, he likes that you aren’t a vegan or calorie/carb nazi. But let’s not assume this means that he thinks it’s oh so sexy to indulge frequently. Not sure many guys want a woman who eats melted cheese off a plate and then polishes that off with banana pancakes. We’ve spoken about the weight issue before. The more prominent issue for men and women when it comes to dating someone overweight isn’t just the aesthetics. That’s a factor, of course. Few people will admit that they don’t want to date someone overweight because it makes them sound shallow. The real concern is the health and self-esteem of the person. An extra 10-20 pounds on someone who eats well and regularly exercise is a lot more tolerable than if the person sits on the internet all day and shovels ice cream, burgers and beer down their gullet at every opportunity.

2. He loves your occasional outbursts.“Hearing a woman use profanity out of context gives a guy a shock of adrenaline,” explains Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of Be Honest — You’re Not That Into Him Either and DSI: Date Scene Investigation. “Men like women who can be tough and assertive, and as long as she doesn’t take the talk too far, it’s a positive thing.” Ok. But can we talk about what “taking it too far” means? Because I’m pretty sure what many women will take from reading this part is “he loves it when you rant and curse.” Yes, many men like to see their woman get worked up. Just..not at them. Important disclaimer. Not at them. They also aren’t so much turned on by a woman who “puts someone in their place” [read: threatens to kick someone in the balls] as they are, well, scared. It’s all in the delivery. A woman can be downright terrifying without ever having to raise her voice or curse. See Devil Wears Prada and watch Streep’s performance in that film. She doesn’t yell, screech or even curse. Her tone is even and calm and she looks people right in the eyes when she eviscerates them. Chilling.

3. He loves that you aren’t a neat freak. “Guys love a woman who’s not trying too hard,” explains Dr. Kerner. “Most men think a pair of boxer shorts and a ratty old T-shirt around the house is your most attractive look.” So don’t spend hours choosing the perfect date-night outfit or getting your place in House Beautiful-worthy shape, because men love you just as you are — in your comfortable, slightly sloppy glory.” No, seriously…where’s the camera?  Yes, guys like a woman who isn’t always polished and primped 24/7. And every once in a while she looks adorable in his t-shirt and boxers. But not all the time. This piece pretty much tells women to stop trying to impress her guy. And if there’s one thing men really dislike, it’s coming home to a living room or kitchen that looks like a tornado just blew through it. Bottom line? Men like women to make some effort. It shows they appreciate their man and want to keep him interested. I found the comment about the over-abundance of hair products amusing, as I’ve had guys comment on the number of hair products that crowd my bathroom shelves and usually fall on the floor when they reach for the mouthwash. What a lot of men wonder when they see all this stuff is..”So, um, this isn’t natural? This takes a lot of ..um..effort, huh?” It’s not a fireable offense or anything. It just takes away some of the mystery.

4. He loves your extra padding.Sure, you’ve heard that men love women with curves, but how about those extra pounds you’ve been trying to sweat off at the gym? There’s a good chance that your guy loves them, too. Just ask 26-year-old Nick: “My girlfriend exercises regularly, but I think the little pudginess in her thighs is sexy because it shows she’s not perfect.” Uh huh. Like I said. The extra weight is more tolerable if you’re actively and noticeably taking care of yourself. Something tells me ‘ol Nick wouldn’t be so enamored of his GF’s pudgy thighs if she sat on the couch all day. And let’s define ‘hour glass figure” since the articles states that men are most attracted to women with such a body type. Studies show that men are drawn to women with a healthy waist to hip ratio. Hourglass figure is not defined simply by having boobs, a waist and hips. If your hips spread wider than your shoulders, that’s not an hourglass figure. That’s disproportionate. Possibly even greatly overweight.

5. He’s fascinated by your knowledge of the things you’re passionate about. A man becomes fascinated by whatever it is that gets you all hot and bothered — regardless of whether or not he shares the same interests. Now this I agree with.I get turned on listening to a man talk about something that gets him pumped. His confidence and his passion are highly arousing. I would assume the same goes for men. But maybe that’s my vajajay talking.

6. He loves a good head rub from you. Don’t get me wrong — men love it when you grope their erogenous zones. But that’s not the only type of touch they crave. I agree with this part, too. Not sure the head rub is the way to get him turned on. But, hey, different strokes for different folks. Back, shoulders, face…guys do like to be touched just as much as women do. They like to feel desired in the same ways women do, and one way to communicate that is through touch.

I think most dating advice geared towards women is written in this tone. The author never wants to alienate their audience. Especially a dude. I have always said that men write stuff like for one of two reasons – a paycheck or to get laid. Pieces like this blatantly pander to women’s insecurities and egos for a reason. Unfortunately most women don’t understand that.

The gold in most dating advice is in the subtext. That’s how most dating advice is delivered. The real advice is in the underlying message and implication, not in what you’re actually being told.

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Filed Under: Am I Shallow?, Article Roundup, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating & Communicating, Dating & Weight, Dating Advice, Understanding Men, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Things You Should Never Admit In a Dating Profile..Or Maybe Ever

August 2, 2012 by 69 Comments

When it comes to dating, there are certain confessions that people really should to themselves.

I can remember reading a man’s profile once and came across something that gave me pause. He answered the question “Are you an honorable person” by saying that he wasn’t an honorable person int he past but was “working on it.”

Oooooh. Dish, girlfriend. Intrigued by his “refreshing honesty” I emailed him and asked him what he meant by that statement. Of course he answered because, well, why else would he admit that in his dating profile? He said that he had cheated on pretty much every woman he’s ever dated. But he was committed to changing.

Oh. Well then.

When people make shocking admissions like this, be it in a profile or in conversation, it’s usually strategic. Sometimes they’re conscious and aware of what they are doing. Other times…not so much.

Here are some things you should reveal with caution. Or maybe not at all.

1. That one time, in band camp? - Yeah, leave those wild nights when you were in college or that time you pulled a train in the past. Sadly, thanks to advancements in technology, some young people’s bad decisions can haunt them all over the internet. The co-ed porn niche is extremely popular. Personally, it skeeves me out, because you just know those kids aren’t thinking clearly or are trusting the wrong people. Your experiences as you explored and expressed your sexuality are yours. Those choices might have made perfect sense to you and you might feel totally comfortable with them, but people will judge you.   There are, of course, people out there who are not intimidated by such stories. At the very least, practice good judgment. You know what will make you sound shady or might imply that you have poor judgment. That’s the stuff you keep to yourself. You’re not obligated to share glimpses of your sexual history with your new partner. Nor do you owe anyone an explanation for your choices.

2. That you’ve been dumped/friend zoned a lot - Nobody wants to date someone that they know is constantly being tossed back into the water. You don’t want to plant seeds of doubt into anybody’s mind about your ability to function in a relationship. Nor do you want to make yourself sound unattractive. We want people who are desired by others. Remember that.

3. That a former employer was arrested/investigated/fled the country – A confession like this should come only when you and the other person have developed a baseline and a sense of each other’s character. Often times, an employee is oblivious to the shady dealings of their employer. But just as often, they are very aware of the illegal and nefarious activities that go on in that corner office.

4. That you cheated - Here’s the thing about hooking up with people with girlfriends or boyfriends. By doing so, they are telling you they don’t care what you think of them. In fact, they don’t really care about you at all most of the time. I know women LOVE to ask probing questions so that they can build faux intimacy with a man. If someone admits to infidelity or some other questionable behavior, don’t automatically assume that that kind of honesty is a positive thing.  Some people are actually proud of being a douchebag.

5. That you were abused in some way- Again, this is something that should only be revealed once true intimacy and trust has been established. It sucks, but many people hear such things and immediately assume that survivor is damaged in some way. It’s a scary thing to admit, but it’s also unsettling to hear, as it makes you wonder how such abuse affected their relationship and interpersonal skills.

6. That you haven’t had a relationship in a long time - Sorry, kids, but this question is a total trap. Lie. Lie your face off if you’ve been out of a relationship for more than a couple years. Better yet, don’t ask this question. If you do, don’t judge. The new reality now, thanks to online dating,  is that many if not most people have a spotty relationship history. The ‘”new normal” so to speak is to date someone for a handful of months here and there. Just because someone hasn’t been in a long term committed relationship in a few years is no longer a reflection on their ability to be in a long term relationship. Lots of people now are perfectly content with casually dating. By choice. Again, welcome to the “new normal.”

7. That you haven’t had sex in a long time – I know. You think it makes you sound discerning. But, let;s face it, people will wonder why you couldn’t get any for the last 9 months. Getting sex is far too easy nowadays. If you haven’t had sex in awhile, either you couldn’t find anybody to have sex with you, don’t have a solid sex drive, or have sexual hang ups. At least that is what many people will assume. On the same note, keep the fact that you just got laid a few recently to yourself as well. Here’s a good rule of thumb. Don’t talk about your sex life at all unless you’re in trusted company.

8. That you’re a recovering addict - We all assume, if someone says they never drink, that they are either a recovering alcoholic or a health nut. Sadly, people have preconceived ideas about recovery and sobriety and addiction. This is something you only reveal when you feel comfortable and know you won’t be shamed or judged. Always make your sobriety a priority.

9. That you’re a frequent drug or alcohol user - Keep the frequency in which you drink, smoke or take drugs to yourself. If you wouldn’t be public about that sort of thing on Facebook, you probably shouldn’t be putting it in a dating profile or revealing it to random strangers you meet.

10. That you had a messy break-up/divorce – Talk about foreshadowing. Keep any and all relationship/divorce drama off the table. Like, for good.

11. That you have a physical or mental illness of some kind – A close friend suffers from a manageable condition. He doesn’t typically tell anyone until he feels things are getting consistent or “serious.” Illness makes us appear weak. Unfortunately, many people are ignorant to most diseases and stigmas are alive and well. This is a revelation that should only come once trust and comfort is established.

12. That you’re unemployed - There are crafty ways to make it clear you are not steadily employed without telling people you don’t have a job. You can say you’re exploring a new field and are lucky to have the flexibility to do so. At our He Said/She Said event the other night, one man made it very clear would never date someone who didn’t have a job. Any job. He didn’t care if the person was supporting themselves through a savings or inheritance. They must, have. a . job. I;m not sure most people are that stringent. Though some are, apparently.

Anything else?

 

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Filed Under: Awkward, Bad Dates, Book, Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Lies, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Happy & Healthy, He Said/She Said, Hook Up Culture, Meeting Men, Meeting Women, Understanding Men, Understanding Women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

Do Men Really Love Bitches?

December 5, 2011 by 63 Comments

Name: Breebree
State: MD
Age: 34
Comment: Moxie, I got this question thinking about the last posts where the OP thinks she is having a hard time getting dates because she is “nice.” I also have the book “Why Men Love Bitches.” From what I’ve seen and heard this seems to be true…it seems like men and people in general respond quicker and more to people when they are “bitches” or mean and nasty and/or curse them out.

I know that generally speaking folks will do what you allow them to do. If you don’t allow people to talk to you and treat you any kind of way and command respect then they will respect you. However with regards to relationships the men friends I talk to initially get with women who are azzholes or bitches or have lots of drama and they constantly complain about them and curse the day they met them, married them, and had kids by them and then get burned by them and then complain and feel stupid and lament “woe is me” stories. It’s so nerve-wracking. I have a guy friend who we I got along well with and we would always laugh and joke and I would give him massages if he was tired and sore and he would always say how much he liked me and enjoyed my company and we would talk about any and everything.

Yet for months he dealt with a woman who clearly showed him she only wanted him for what he did for her and if he had money. When this guy had no job she cheated on him and treated him like crap and didn’t want to be bothered unless she wanted him to do something. He allowed her to belittle him and emasculate him and treat her any type of way and (just like many women do) hung on to the hope that she might change and was ever mindful of the good times they had in the beginning. I would always ask him “why do you let this woman treat you like this?” “why do you think this is good and normal?” I even asked him why he wouldn’t date me and he really couldn’t give me a straight answer.

He did say it was like this woman had a hold on him. He gave her his heart completely and had a hard time just snatching it back no matter how wrong she did him. I’ve talked to several other men who complain to me about their ex’s and how sheisty they are and how much drama and problems they had with these women and I ask them “why the hell did you get with these women in the first place?” All they can say is in the beginning it was good, or some will say it was because of looks but some say they didn’t be with and marry their ex for their looks but they can never really explain why they are attracted to these “toxic women”. In some cases I think some men are attracted to women with kids, drama, problems, and issues (no matter what they look like). In the last post Are Men Attracted to Nice Girls I think the answer is no…just as women like bad boys sometimes men like bad women. Because the women who are nice, sweet, kind, loving, no drama, no problems, and women who would go out of their way to make them happy they don’t want.
My question is why is this and what is your opinion on this???

 

Healthy, stable men will date the “bitchy” woman for a bit, either because the woman is hot or she knocks it out of the park in bed. Or both.  But they won’t date them for long or marry them. That is,  unless those men enjoy being bossed around, henpecked and generally enjoy being emasculated. Yes, in many cases, it is the woman’s looks that keeps these low self-esteemed men around. Being with a “hot” woman gives them a sense of social proof. But I think there’s more to it, which I will get to below.

I think the real question you are asking, which you mentioned, is how come these men will date all these “wrong” women and not date you? Here’s why: They aren’t attracted to you.  It’s not because you are too good or too sane or just not “bad” enough. It’s that they just don’t find you attractive enough to date. Having you on their arm does not bolster their social status. They aren’t looking for tenderness or nurturing. They’re looking for a hot girlfriend so they can trot her out at work functions and show her off. They want to be with a woman who pays attention to them by criticizing them. They only know how to work for a woman’s approval. There are many, many relationships with that dynamic. To the two people in that kind of relationship, the dynamic works for them. Is it unhealthy? Yep. But I’d guess that a hefty percentage of all long term relationships are.

You have to understand that the book, “Why Men Love Bitches” doesn’t really support the theory that men love bitches. That book was given a provocative title so it would sell. Of course, as many of us did with Sex and The City, we didn’t really understand that we were being presented with caricatures and exaggerations. Women just heard the title to that book and assumed that being “bitchy” was okay because men “love” that.

Do men love women who know what they want and go after it and speak their mind? Yes. Absolutely. But if she doesn’t posses both vulnerability and consistency, he’s out.  Inconsistency leads to unpredictability, and unpredictability leads to drama. So, if a woman is laid back and easy going the first few weeks of dating, and then becomes demanding and rigid, what a man sees is inconsistency. If he sees us being more flexible towards female friends who behave badly than we are men, that’s inconsistency. If we stand on our feminist soapbox and demand equality, but then look at him with expectant eyes when the bill gets placed on the table, he sees inconsistency.Inconsistency = bad.

just as women like bad boys sometimes men like bad women.

I agree that many women like a “bad boy.” But there’s two phases to this. There’s the attraction to the guy who are genuinely bad or unhealthy for us. Then, as we mature and date our share of the bad boys, we realize that we still want a guy with that sort of edge and mystery to him but who also has a sense of vulnerability about him.

ATWYSBlog

@ATWYSBlog Jeremy Renner is the perfect mix of dark with an edge and vulnerability. #thatswhatwomenwant

The men and women who go for the traditional “bitches” and “bad boys” have a need for approval. It’s that simple. Those of us who crave approval will go for the unavailable man or woman, hoping against hope that we can change them. My guess is this all starts with the dynamic they had with their parents. If they had a particularly critical mother or father, or one that wasn’t around, then they spend their lives trying to re-create that dynamic and right the wrong.

Breebree, I think you hang around with men who have issues and who are drama queens and that has badly distorted your perception of men and relationships in general. Get new friends. Stat.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating Over 40, Latests Posts, Men & Conflict, Men To Avoid, Sex, The Friend Zone, Understanding Men Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Are Men Attracted to “Nice” Girls?

November 30, 2011 by 59 Comments

Name: Utterlyclueless20s
State: New York
Age: 27
Comment: I am an AA woman in my late 20s who has always had difficulty finding a mate. It seems like there is something I am missing in attracting someone of the opposite sex. I am cute, not drop dead gorgeous, but definitely cute. I am a bit shy when first meeting others and I tend to feed off the energy they give back to me. If they are excited about meeting, then I am excited about meeting them. If someone is lackluster toward me, then I try to be nice and end up feeling awkward. I have a hard time meeting men. I work in a mostly female industry and my social life is mostly connected to my career. When I do meet men at parties, and chat them up, I feel like I am always out competed by some girl with better tricks or conversation. I am a genuinely nice girl who prefers to read, cook and have quiet dinners with friends. My interests are mostly related to my career or are domestic. Parties are the worst place for me because I feel like I fade into a wall. I have tried online dating for years and feel like I keep getting men that are not even remotely in my league. They only want sex or they wear gold chains and baggy clothes. I am the kind of black woman that likes going to hipster venues and gallery openings. This has shut me out to most black men but I have been openly dating other races. Yet those guys were not looking for a relationship (at least with me). The problem is getting the right attention. How does one do that in real life?

NOTE: Since I don’t have much first hand experience with dating black men or women, I’m going to leave that topic to the readers who do. Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences.

These are all great things that many men value and find attractive. But they also want a woman who brings more to the table than just “nice.” Really think about that word for a second. Think about when and how you use it in this context.

“Oh, I met him. He seemed nice.”

Nice is the word we use when we really didn’t get any read or beat on someone because they displayed no dicernable personality.

Nice, to be blunt, is boring. Nobody wants to date boring. Especially the boring people. We all want someone who keeps us on our toes in some way. We want someone engaging. Not to be confused with “charisma.” Charisma is charm on speed. It’s fake and exaggerated and in no way genuine. When women say that they want a guy who has “charisma” what they’re telling you is that they are drawn to phony assholes who know exactly what to say and do to keep a woman’s attention. They want a guy with charisma because those men are usually in high demand. They think that getting a guy with charisma means that man finds her charismatic, too. Except they don’t. They actually find her really insecure and therefore easy to manipulate. That’s the attraction for men like that.

I am a genuinely nice girl who prefers to read, cook and have quiet dinners with friends

Men like nice. But men also like and want a woman that is naughty. They like women with a bit of an edge. As long as the woman displays a sense of vulnerability about her, she can pretty much get away with anything. So often you hear women wonder out loud, “What does he see in her?” What he sees is a healthy mix of femininity, vulnerability and sexiness. That can come in all kinds of packages. But the crucial component in that mix is vulnerability. Does she make me feel safe? Will I be able to be who I really am and show my fears and frustrations without her judging me or making it about her? If a man can glean that from a conversation with a woman and there’s a physical attraction, then he’s going to want to get to know that woman better. We talked before about men being intimidated by certain kinds of women. As long as the woman demonstrates her own ability to be vulnerable, she can be as assertive and bawdy and outspoken as she likes. The lack of vulnerability is what turns men off. So if you want to know what men want..that’s it.

Utterly, the tone of this message lacks vulnerability. You sound stiff  and a little entitled. I’m sure you are a bit of a wall flower, but the underlying rigidness is you’re bigger problem. Most men can and will overlook a woman’s shy nature. They even find that attractive to some degree. But if they pick up on the entitled tone or demeanor, they’re out.

I have tried online dating for years and feel like I keep getting men that are not even remotely in my league

We all feel that way. That’s because most of us way over-estimate what our league actually is. I can assure you that if you can’t keep a man engaged at a party or are always being shoved aside for other women, then you are not the catch you think you are. Leagues just aren’t about looks or status. Personality and charm play just a big of a role when determining your league. In fact, I’d say that personality is the one determining factor that can bump someone moderately attractive/marginally employed up to a higher league.

You need to work on your personality. You also need to take yourself down a notch or two. Anybody that says outwardly admits that someone “isn’t in their league” is merely trying to hide a bruised ego. You’re offended by the majority of replies you get online. Which I get and understand, as I’ve been in places like that. It is frustrating to get message after message from socially awkward men or guys who fall far outside your search criteria. It makes you wonder (as it should) if this is the best you can do.

The answer, Utterly, is…sorta. You need to take a look at the replies that you get online and get a general idea about what all these men have in common. That, in a nutshell, is your league. It might not look pretty or feel good, but it’s a pretty accurate barometer. You’re next step is to look at what you bring to the table and how you present yourself and figure out what you can tweak in order to change the quality of your responses, online and off. Maybe you need to rewrite your profile or post new photos. Maybe you need to work on your social skills. Maybe you could make some significant changes to your presentation. You’re not going to change the men and what they want. But you can, if you choose or feel you should, make changes about yourself.

The starting point for you is find out what men really think when they meet you and what sort of impression you make.

 

 

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The Greatest Dating Lies Ever Told

November 21, 2011 by 85 Comments

Name: WHY THEY SAY THEY WILL CALL AND DON’T
State: NY
Age: 45
Comment: QUESTION FOR MEN:  WHY DO MEN SAY THEY WILL GIVE YOU A CALL WHEN THEY HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO? Why not just say it was nice to meet you and then just run away and get out of there?  Woman don’t like to be misled and maybe they thought the date did work out to some extent. Sometimes a 2nd date is needed, or third to decide honestly, if he wants to see her again.  Men shouldn’t be sooo quick to pull away b/c they might have a good thing/person but just not know it yet b/c it takes time to get to know someone before they open up.

 

I agree that people – men and women – cut and run far too quickly. I think women are more likely to give a guy a second date to feel him and the possible attraction out.

However, I don’t think someone saying “I’ll call you” is always a case of them misleading the other person.  I think the times people say “I’ll call you” and aren’t 100% confident that they will call fall in to three categories:

1. They sense the man/woman wants to hear it or is somehow prolonging the good bye. It’s a way to get out of the situation without any further discomfort.

2. They’re on the fence and think there’s a possibility they might call. Then, once they have some distance and do a little post-date analysis, they decide that they don’t wish to pursue anything more.

3. They had sex with the man/woman and want to present themselves as honorable when they aren’t.

The “I’ll Call You” line is not the only lie that men and women tell in order to walk away gracefully or without blame. Here are a few others:

“We can do that next time.” - I’d guess that, in most but not necessarily all cases, they know there will never be a “next time.” Use of “next time” is a great way to convince your date that you’re really interested. That way they will be more pliable and less on guard. I don’t trust the Next Timers. Know how I’d know when there was going to be a next time? When there was a next time.

“I didn’t get your text/email.” or “I replied to your text/email!” -While there is always a chance that the internetz or cell phone ate your message, more than likely your message was received and they ignored it. Especially if the message contained any kind of pointed question or tone.

“Had a major work/family/medical emergency. Can we reschedule?” - Again, it’s entirely possible that Great Aunt Gemma passed away or their father had a heart attack. But is it likely? No. An excuse like this is perfect because it’s not like someone is going to challenge it. I should qualify this by saying that if this excuse comes from someone you haven’t met yet or been out with once or twice, it’s more likely that this is a lie. Translation: Something better came up, and since I don’t know you well/haven’t met you, I have no idea if meeting you will make up for turning down this other offer.”

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” - This isn’t so much a full on lie as it is a half truth. What they mean is,  “I’m not looking for a relationship with you.” Not to be confused with, “I need more time” or “I’m enjoying where things are going and getting to know you, but not sure if I’m ready for a commitment.”

“I’m not sleeping with anyone else.” - People tell us this because that’s what we think the other person wants to hear. We also say that so that we don’t compromise our chances of getting laid or going bareback. If there is no expressed exclusivity, there’s a really good chance that they are, in fact, sleeping with someone else. Either that or they don’t wish for that option to be off the table. If they wanted to sleep with only you, they’d commit to you.

“I’m too busy with work/school/my book club to date/have a relationship.” - Their job is not the reason they aren’t in a relationship. More often than not, that’s an excuse. What that really means is, “I don’t wish to give up whatever free time I have to someone else. I like my freedom.” Or it means, “I’ve been burnt and too afraid to get back out there.”

“I want to see you but I’m really busy.” – Eh. Usually “too busy” means “not interested.” It’s a way to keep you on the hook because either they don’t have the guts to dump you or want to keep you around for a Break In Case of Emergency Lay.

“I’m happy being single.” – Okay. This one might be a smidge controversial. I do believe that many people are happy being single. It’s the people who go out of their way to announce how happy they are being single that I question.

“I’m single by choice.” - Adorbs. But no. While some people might be single by choice and mean it, the people who announce it are just justifying why, after Lord knows how many dates, nothing has stuck.

“My girl/guy/relationship is different” or other variations of that statement. - Mmmm. No. You choose to believe that because that somehow makes YOU sound more desirable or impressive or that something about you made them alter  typical (read: unattractive) behavior. In actuality, you’re not different. Either your guy or girl didn’t actually make a specific change for you and you just think they did or your guy or girl just tolerates your crap because they had few to no options.

“We waited X dates to sleep together.” – I’ll call Bravo Sierra on at least half of these cases. Some men will decrease the number of dates they waited so they can impress their guy friends. Some women will increase the number of dates so their friends don’t judge them or so they can feel superior. Lame on both counts.

“We met through friends.” – Some, sure. But the “we met through friends” line is also common amongst people who met online but don’t want anyone to know they had to go “slumming” to find a mate.

“I’d like to be friends.” - When a guy says it, I think what he really means is, “Please don’t hate me.” He doesn’t want a woman out there with a grudge or negative impression of him. He might very well be sincere in expressing his guilt or in his apology. But he doe4sn’t really want to be friends. He doesn’t want to hang out or keep in touch. He just doesn’t want the woman to hate him. When women say it, I think many times they mean it in the traditional sense. They want to maintain a relationship with the guy because they genuinely enjoyed them. Some times, though, what they really mean is, “Let’s spend some platonic time together so you can see how great I am and maybe you’ll change your mind.” Men use this line with this intention as well. It’s less common that either gender means, “Let’s stay in touch and hang out.”

“I’m afraid to be hurt/vulnerable.” - Cliche alert! Listen. You get a window of time after a bad break up to lick your wounds and feel sorry for yourself. But if you’re still banging this drum a couple years later? You’re just looking for attention or sympathy or hoping to victimize yourself so as to avoid judgment for bad decisions.

“I’m in an open relationship” or “We have an arrangement.” - Nothing got me to hit the delete button on a message faster than this. I do believe that many people do have “arrangements” and that they work for the couple. But if they don’t approach the date by telling you outright what the deal is, they’re likely lying. The couples I know in open relationships all have one rule in common. Don’t have sex with the same person more than a couple times. So if this man or woman tells you that they’re in an open relationship, and you and they have sex every couple months for an ongoing amount of time? They’re probably lying. They just don’t want you to get attached.

“I just don’t think we clicked romantically.” - I’d guess that most of the common variations of this reason are lies as well. Translation: I didn’t find you attractive. You want to hear that from someone? I don’t. I’m fine with the lie. But push someone to be honest and that’s what you’ll get.

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now but I like hanging out with you.” - Translation: I’ll have sex with you, but I won’t date you. You’re good enough for the occasional hook up but I wouldn’t introduce you to my friends.

“I’m okay with it being just sex.” - Now, I’ve told this lie before. I thought I meant it. Most women do. Yes, I said women because I don’t think most men have a problem being “used” for sex. Eventually, the woman who isn’t ok with the arrangement will try to back end her way in to a relationship with the guy by withholding the one thing she knows he wants. That’s not a great way to start a relationship. If you get offended that he doesn’t call in advance to set up your booty dates, or if it bothers you that he doesn’t make personal inquiries or keeps conversations impersonal or doesn’t retain anything you say, then you’re not okay with it being “just sex.”

Any others?

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Filed Under: Bad Dates, Dating, Dating Lies, First Date Jitters, First Date Sex, First Impressions, Latests Posts, Men & Communication, Men & Conflict, Red Flags, Rejection, The Fade, The Talk, The Unavailable Man/Woman, Understanding Men Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

How Do You Know What Your Dating League Is?

October 8, 2011 by 54 Comments

Name: AP
Age: 38
Story: I haven’t actually seen this covered in your blog, but how do you discern “leagues”? As a woman, how do you determine who is and who isn’t in your league? I’m attractive & very fit by most people’s standards, do well professionally, extroverted/sociable, but I am also in my late 30s. I bring a lot to the table, BUT I know my age is not as desirable as a 20 year old. So help me understand this concept?
City: New York
State: NY

I asked a few friends to define leagues. This is what one male friend said:

Yeah, that’s a tough one for women.  You can’t go by the guys you can pull because guys will date “down.”  You can’t ask your guy friends because they always have some agenda, even if just to protect your feelings.  You can’t ask your girlfriends because they’re either protecting your feelings too, or otherwise clueless or saboteurs.  The only answer is prove the negative.  League is a “ceiling.”  If you’re chasing after guys who don’t seem available (regardless of the reason they tell you), then they are “out of your league.”

If you’d like a basic definition, then go by the type of responses you get from your online dating profile. Gather up 10 or so responses from those men, look at their profiles, get an average read on their age range, body type, career level and attractiveness. That’s your type, with a little wiggle room.The reason I use online dating as a barometer is because all the basic stats are right there, presented for the other person’s approval. Leagues are defined by superficial criteria. Not depth or substance. Despite that, they still factor in to who we date and why. Everything from how we look to what we do and where we live is considered. A 45-50 year old i-banker or lawyer is not going to date me seriously. Maybe if I were really hot. That might make up for my very modest lifestyle, wardrobe and income. But I’m not. Could there be one or two bankers that look past that? Maybe. But I’m not going to beat my head in to a wall trying to find that needle in the haystack.

Like my male friend said. Prove the negative. If you have to heavily pursue or “chase” someone, they’re out of your league. The question you seem to be asking is the one hardest to answer or define. In my opinion, the “leagues’ as we used to know or define them don’t exist anymore.

I think a lot of women focus on age and think that that is a large contributing factor for men. I disagree. I don’t think it’s about age as it is about the degree of difficulty. As recently as a few years ago a man might dismiss a woman “of a certain age” because he feared she would be on the marriage or baby track. As we discussed the other day, those aren’t necessarily the priority of many men and women anymore. Some, of course. Many. But I think – and this is just my opinion – the number of men and women seeking marriage and kids are much fewer these days.  Life is just too unsteady now. Nobody knows where they’ll be in a year or two. They’re erring on the side of caution and not taking on that level of added responsibility. So age isn’t as big as a factor anymore, in my mind.

As for men, since they no longer are the primary breadwinners and so many women are making just as if not more than they are, they no longer have an income bracket to justify their “league.” Most women aren’t looking for men who can provide a lifestyle. Those women are providing it for themselves. In a sense, what men used to bring to the table – namely a sense of security and financial stability -is no longer as eagerly sought. So their stock has taken a hit. What those men – and they make up a big chunk of the single male demo, I’d bet – seek is someone with lower expectations.

And therein lies the problem.I truly believe the biggest hurdle that single people face is something they develop all on their own – their expectations. That, in a nutshell, is what a league is. It’s a caliber of person we feel we deserve or are entitled to.

The bottom line, for men at least, is that the external and superficial things you bring to the table will eventually mean nothing if you’re a great big pain in the ass. Drama queens need not apply. You could be 25 or 45. Doesn’t matter. Eventually, the clock will run out on his patience. Women, on the other hand, appear to tolerate a whole lot of crap for much longer simply because the guy looks a certain way or because they’re in some unspoken competition with their single girlfriends. Women also seem to expect a certain kind of treatment simply because they are women. Those kind of expectations are what get us in to trouble more often. We want to be treated equally.

So men treat us as equals and treat us as though we think the same way they do. That’s where men screw up. They expect us to approach situations the same way they do, and if we don’t, we’re all “nuts.”  Well, many of us don’t have the same takes or perspectives. That doesn’t make us irrational or crazy. It just means some of us think differently.

I think the older a man or woman gets, the higher/greater/more unattainable their expectations become. If they’ve chosen to stay single for this long, then why “settle” now? If they can find someone who is easier to deal with, why tolerate what they perceive to be drama? Why bother getting married when most marriages fail?

This whole “leagues” issue was much more simple when the only options were single or married, if you ask me.

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