Name: Innocent But Not Naive | Location: Boston , Massachusetts |Question: As a 24 year old virgin,What I’ve had enough experience telling guys I know (friends and dates) that information when they either asked or I felt it was time to tell them, to know that some men take it strangely and treat you differently afterwards. Mostly, they are intensely attracted to you, insanely protective, and some make it their mission to get the V card; thus, I waited until “Chris” and I were 2 months into dating before I felt I cared enough and was close enough to him to tell him. While I’ve never been rejected for this, I am well aware that this is a possibility. He said he was fine with it, and that it didn’t change his opinion of me or how he felt about our relationship.
I didn’t feel like it would be a big deal to give it up, but I at one time had the idea that I would wait until marriage. Over the past year and a half, I had started seriously questioning if I could wait that long (maybe never) and if it was even worth it; thus, while I had not formally made the decision to lose it, I knew I probably would at some point when I felt the time was right.
Well, a few weeks later, I stayed over “Chris’s” place, and he decided that would be a good time to pressure me into having sex with him. I said I didn’t feel ready, wasn’t sure how I felt. It turned into an uncomfortable conversation in which I went home due to the awkwardness of the night, figuring I’d end it. I don’t appreciate being pressured into anything, especially that. Well, he called me that night, told me he loved me and that he didn’t want this to stand in the way of us. He cared about me enough to respect my timing and my decision. I, too, felt I was starting to love him, so we talked about it and stayed together.
I did some thinking, and decided after a little while (a month?) that I would be okay giving it up, but that it was not something I necessarily “wanted.” More like, I didn’t care either way. But I was not on birth control and knew that when I did try it, I would use condoms. In the past, bc messed me up big time. So we had a conversation, I explained that condoms were a must, that I was not on birth control and had no desire to try again in the near future, but absolutely would not be unprotected with him. He resisted, getting tested of his own accord (though I knew I would push for this if he didn’t offer first) and came up clean. We had another conversation with me basically saying that I would not back down on the condom issue. He finally caved, and the next time he came over, he had gotten some. I felt the disagreement was over.
Well, he’s decided to re-engage the resistance, preventing me from putting one on him and ignoring my requests that he put one on. Instead, he forced himself inside me without one. I am terrified that this happened, he seems to have this ridiculous notion that pulling out will prevent pregnancy. This happened twice, after the numerous times of trying to get inside me due to my virginity. It feels like he’s taking advantage of the fact that I have no experience and trying to bulldoze me over. He’s also used the excuse that he can’t get hard until he is inside, to which I answer “huh???”
I had a conversation with him about it, explaining that he violated my trust and that I was very scared during those times, even still nervous now that I might be pregnant. I said it was unacceptable for him not to put safety first, putting me at risk, and that it would take some time to rebuild my trust. Until then, no sex. At all. His response – that he was trying to “take care of me” and put me first, that he hadn’t ejaculated inside me, blah blah blah. I explained that safety was more important than taking care of me, or whatever his excuses were. I want to believe he isn’t lying to me, but common sense screams otherwise here.
I feel like he’s lying now. He betrayed my trust, even though we discussed this a few times, then brushed off my suggestion to put one on come game time. Now he’s using this ridiculous excuse of taking care of me and putting me first, when I really only had sex for him, since he was a bit demanding and said that he “needed” that (I don’t regret this decision, though, even if we do break up. I knew what I was doing. Still, it wasn’t that I suddenly needed sex for me, it was that I knew he wanted it so much). Will I ever really be able to trust him? Is his story complete bull or does he somehow believe that’s the truth?
I know that he really cares about me, treats me well, acts like a man who is in love (believe me, I’m young but I know the difference), and is loyal and true to me. Can we ever get past this hurdle?
Thanks in advance!
You use the word “forced.” Which, to me, means against your will. Is that what happened? If so, wouldn’t that be enough of a reason to never see this guy again?
I’m going to refrain from answering this. There are just too many issues being raised that could be misconstrued.
Readers are welcome to leave their thoughts.