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Are You The Catch That You Think You Are?

April 30, 2013 by 45 Comments

Name: Sarahwonka
Comment: i’m 30, attractive, independent, confident, and have a successful job. I am the total package, but I can’t seem to attract the right guy for me. It seems that the guys I’m interested in aren’t interested in me and the ones I’m not interested in, like me. I’m actually trying to get over someone that I’m infatuated with, but I often find myself comparing every other guy I meet to him. The truth is I really want to be with him and no one else, but I’m several years older than him and I don’t know how he feels about me. Thusly, I’ve been trying to meet other guys in hopes  to get over the one I’m infatuated with. However, I just haven’t met someone worth my time. I want nothing to do with them and so far none of them have been my type. I am willing to give different guys a chance, but I typically leave the date at the end of the night relieved that it’s over and that I never want to see them again. I’ve tried speed dating, online dating, going out with friends, etc. But haven’t met anyone and it’s frustrating. I don’t know what to do or what I’m doing wrong. I feel like I’m being picky,  but I refuse to settle. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Age: 30
City: Boston
State: Ma

 

I don’t think you’re being picky. I think you’re fixated on someone that you can’t have and refuse to let him go. That’s what is holding you back. You’re not coming across as available.

You can put yourself out there in a multitude of ways, but if you’re not truly willing to give someone a chance, then you’re wasting everybody’s time. This guy you’re infatuated with? If he wanted to be with you, he would be. It’s that simple. Sitting around pining for something that will never come to fruition is counter-productive.

There’s nothing I can say that will get you un-stuck. You’re going to have to get there on your own. The last thing you want to do is continue to tell yourself how you’re trying and you’re being flexible, etc etc. You’re not. The solution to your non-problem is to finally confront and accept that you’re never going to have this younger guy. Ever. Time to start the grieving process of this relationship that never was.

You’re delaying the inevitable because you’d rather hold on to the idea of a relationship – no matter how fictitious – that actually have one.

i’m 30, attractive, independent, confident, and have a successful job. I am the total package

That so? By whose standards? Because other than the attractive part, men don’t care much about these components you believe make you “the total package.”

We briefly touched on this in yesterday’s post. I have a feeling that most people are in the dark as to just how appealing and attractive the opposite sex finds them. I also think people are clueless as to the impressions they make on people that they meet. Independent, confident and successful, you say? I tend to ascribe to the “if you have to say it, you aren’t” philosophy. You might think you’re independent, but I’d bet many people see you as aloof, and that your confidence is regularly construed as abrasiveness. If you’re doing all these things trying to meet someone, and you’re such a catch, and you’re not meeting anybody, there’s a problem.

I am willing to give different guys a chance,

Well, that’s might gracious of you. What would you say if I told you that I bet some of those men are thinking the exact thing about you? You’re quite taken with yourself, and it shows. You’re not doing these men favors by agreeing to let them spend money on you. You realize that, don’t you?

However, I just haven’t met someone worth my time.

Slow down, Princess Grace. Worth your time? Orly? Do go on and explain to the class why your time is more valuable than another person’s time. I’ll wait here with my imaginary boyfriend Jeremy Renner.

jeremy-renner-on-aussie-tv

There’s a great saying that I like and have uploaded as my Gmail avatar:

 

What screws us up most in life is the picture in our heads of how it’s supposed to be.

 

Nothing will impede someone’s ability to find a partner more than inordinate expectations, because usually those expectations are derived from a bunch of false ideas.  They’ve created this image in their head of what it is all supposed to look like, all based on distorted perceptions and understandings of themselves and relationships.

The OP sees herself with someone specific, someone she considers to be on her level. The problem, of course, is that she’s probably not on that level.Few of us ever correctly assign ourselves an accurate desirability rating. Objectivity is often lacking. We completely exclude the most important part of the equation: how other people see us. Until someone accepts and understands that, they will struggle.

Somebody asked the other day how a person could determine their audience. I happen to think that this is an understanding that we develop over time and is based upon experience. The people who provide the least resistance and who actively and consistently demonstrate their interest is typically your audience.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Understanding Men, Understanding Women, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

READER RANT: When a Woman Says She’s “Traditional” What Does That Really Mean?

April 16, 2013 by 55 Comments

Name: PhilI-know-that-feel-bro-blank
Age: 29
City: New York
State: NY
Comment: I’m one of the many on this site (as it seems) who has been enjoying (or not at times) what it’s like to be somewhat young, single and in NYC.   Overall, I’d have to say I’ve enjoyed my dating life in this city.  Sure, there are some people who have burned me and, yes, I’ve had to had some nights spending money on weirdos and/or people who are socially off but that just comes with the territory.  I’m thankfully not bitter about the whole process.

I’ve noticed something consistent about a lot of women (particularly the older ones, age 28 and up).   I was wondering if you also come across this in your day-to-day relationship/dating advice giving.  Many women I encounter like to claim they are “traditional” in that they need the man to make the first move, set up the date, initiate conversation, etc.   While I used to accept this, it now seems that “being traditional” is more of an excuse people use when they want the other person (i.e. the man) to do all the heavy lifting in the beginning.  To me, it essentially says something along the lines of:  “You must bend over backwards and prove your worth to me and, should I deem you acceptable, I suppose I will start putting in a little effort of my own.”  In fact, a girl was telling me she was traditional last night and I said, jokingly, “Oh, so, you need the guy to do the heavy lifting right?”  Without missing a beat she said, dead seriously, “Yes, exactly.”

I really wonder if this is the reason why many women find dating in this city to be so hard.   Sure, I realize there are plenty of pump-and-dump guys out there and, hey, I’ve been guilty of doing that as well.  However, I think a lot of men (myself included) get to an age where we’re just too exhausted to chase someone down.  Perhaps I suffer from my own arrogance in that I don’t want to convince anyone they have to like me but, is it really out of line to ask women to put forward SOME effort at the beginning and not continually fall back on “being traditional” as an excuse for just being romantically lazy?

 

Thoughts?

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Filed Under: Gender Roles, Reader Rant, Understanding Women, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Should He Let Go of His Desire To Have Kids?

March 27, 2013 by 42 Comments

Name: Brian
City: New York City
State: NY
Comment: My divorce became final a few months and I’d like to start dating again. Since I would like to have biological children I prefer to date women between who are early to mid thirties. I’m upfront about this in my OK Cupid profile but find I am not getting the results that I want. I mainly hear from women late thirties and older.  Many of them are divorced women with children of their own. I’d prefer to have my own children before becoming a parent to another person’s child. How do I increase my chances of meeting someone in my desired age range who also wants to have children?
Age: 43

 

I think you need to start by being more realistic. While 43 certainly isn’t old, a woman of 30-35 can easily find a man closer to her own age. The early thirties woman might casually date you. I’m not sure you’ll find many that are crazy about having kids with a guy who will be a first time Dad at 45 or even older. Also working against you is the fact that you’re newly divorced. A lot of women will hear that and be skeptical that you’re actually ready to date again or in a rush to knock them up. I would suggest not mentioning how recent your divorce is in your profile. If a woman asks, then you can say within the last year until you get to know her better. Then you can tell her the truth. If, in your profile, you reveal your intention of meeting someone with whom you’d like to have children, take that out as well. That makes you sound like you have a biological clock ticking very loudly, and that ain’t sexy. No woman likes to be thought of as just a baby making machine. Whenever I see a profile of a man in his forties who says he still wants children, I pass.  I question the judgment and perspective of someone 40+ and above who hasn’t let go of that particular expectation. That’s not realistic, and that’s a sign of other possible difficulties.

If having children is a priority for you then you really should be focusing on the women in their late thirties. Yes, I know, they’re in their late thirties. But Brian….you’re almost in your mid-forties. Time to face some hard reality. First, you are less attractive to many women 10 years younger than you. You just are.  Put you next to a 35 year old and a woman is probably going to choose the 35 year old. Regardless of how potent you think your sperm is, the fact still remains that you’re still getting up there.You might be extremely fit and active, but you’d still be 8-12 years older than the women you wish to date. They don’t have to date someone your age. It’s possible that your desire to have children will go unfulfilled. Especially if you cut off women “of a certain age” because you insist upon dating younger. Blah blah blah biological imperative. I can hear some of the male commenters now.

I think you’d have a much better chance of having your own children if you broadened your horizons a bit. As we’ve said before, the people who are contacting you online are the ones looking for someone like you. Don’t fritter away your time and energy by chasing a dream because you still feel you deserve or are entitled to something else. That’s how people get burnt out on online dating.

There just comes a point in everybody’s life when they have to accept that certain goals or wishes are out of their reach.  And some people are just out of our league. They just are. As brutal as this might sound, men and women in their late thirties and older need to stop looking for the needle in the haystack and start getting real about their options. Marriage and kids  might not happen. You might not get that bright and shiny new car relationship. There might be a lot of mileage or a few dents. That just comes with the  territory as we grow older. Banging your head against the wall and rejecting people for not being exactly what you want isn’t going to get you closer to your goal. The reality is that you’re probably a little banged up, too. You can’t date for as long as we have and not be.

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating After Divorce, Meeting Women, Moxie 101, On OK Cupid, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Social Rules of Dating, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

True or False: A Woman Can Get Laid Whenever She Wants

February 18, 2013 by 76 Comments

On the topic of women who seek casual/nsa/non-monogamous sex/relationships, G. writes:

“I’d say there are two assumptions:  one is that a woman, no matter what she says, is always “looking” for a more-than-sexual relationship should one present itself and two, as you said, is that a woman can get “just sex” pretty much anytime she wants, without much effort.  So, a woman who seeks “causal sex” or selects it on her profile is suspect.” – G. , Male, 37, NYC

Thoughts?

I think there is some truth to this. However, I think the men who might see these women as suspect probably would have eventually rejected them anyway. If they can’t take a woman’s choice to seek casual sex at face value then that speaks to their pre-conceived ideas about women in general. Seeking sex in some form is merely an outlier of the woman’s personality and belief system. These women would not be compatible with a man who felt she should keep certain carnal desires to herself. Or these guys have a general mistrust of women. Either way, why bother with such men?

Yes, it’s pretty easily to just get sex if that’s what you want. But it’s even easier if you use online dating. Sure, a woman could go out to a party or a bar if she liked. But what if she can’t be bothered to do that? What if she doesn’t have that kind of time or money? What’s wrong with optimizing her online dating experience by using it to find sex? I’m guessing the issue is it’s because she’s being overt about it. See my previous point.

I do agree that “just sex” to men and “just sex” to women is often different. A lot of men are less discerning. As we said last week, for many men attraction isn’t even necessary. I don’t know if many women share that opinion or experience. For some men, “casual ” just means available. When some woman seek “casual” they also often seeks consistency and a sense of companionship or just rapport. But they can want those other aspects without wanting commitment. I guess the segment of men who believe that is just small?

I’m curious to hear what others think about G’s quote.

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Friends With Benefits, Gender Roles, Hook Up Culture, Sex, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Did He Get Cold Feet Or Was She Just Getting Too Serious?

November 18, 2012 by 17 Comments

Name: Shauna
Age: 29
State: NY
Question: Hit it off with a guy, met him through a mutual friend. Had great chemistry from the moment we met. He would want to see me all the time, hung out with him almost every other day for the first month. He even introduced me to his best friends, had great/fun times. Then one night he happens to go out partying with MY friends and I, so they naturally asked him- what he thought about me and if we were exclusive. And because I like him for his honesty, he replied to them saying- “I have only known her for a month, so I dont know yet.” 2 days later at dinner with just him and I, he decided to be “clear” and asked me if I knew that we weren’t exclusive, and that he wants to keep his options open (as we had already discussed when I first met him). Because we are both at that age, where we want to meet “the one” and settle down…Things were going great for a month in a half and after we had this dinner, his phonecalls became few and far between, texted very little, and I saw him probably twice going into the second month of dating him. I still get texts/phonecalls from him once/twice a week asking me how I’m doing/what I’m upto, etc. He even told me, that he is distancing himself because he does not want to be attached to me, because he came out of a long term relationship, and it hasn’t even been a year. Now given, the type of job he has- he does travel at least once a month. But this is the same guy that in the first month wanted to see me ALL THE TIME, and we had great fun! So my question is: Did he get cold feet? does he really like me? will he come back around? what should I do?

Then one night he happens to go out partying with MY friends and I, so they naturally asked him- what he thought about me and if we were exclusive

No, not “naturally.” That’s not what most people “naturally” do. We typically learn not to ask such personal or pointed questions about someone’s relationship in high school or even junior high. It’s rude and inappropriate. Before you go defending your friends for “looking out for you” let me clarify something. I don’t think your friends intentionally sabotaged you. In fact, I don’t even think your friends thought about you at all before they performed their little inquisition. They weren’t thinking of you. They were thinking of themselves, and now you’ve paid the price.The status of your relationship is none of your friend’s business, and you should be royally pissed that they would even ask such a question. That is, if you didn’t know they’re were going to ask. If you somehow got them to do your bidding, you screwed yourself.

The conversation with your gal pals made him wonder just what you’ve been telling them and what your expectations might be. That’s why he put on the breaks.

Because we are both at that age, where we want to meet “the one” and settle down..

I’m confused. I thought he said he wanted to keep his options open? How does that then translate into “we both want to meet the one?” Methinks you’re processing everything he says through your own filters. Just because you might have said to him that you’re looking for something serious or are ready for “the one” and he agreed doesn’t mean you’re on the same page. I’m sure he would like to meet “the one”…eventually. But not at this very moment. You heard what you wanted to hear, I’m guessing.

He even told me, that he is distancing himself because he does not want to be attached to me, because he came out of a long term relationship, and it hasn’t even been a year.

He doesn’t fear getting attached to you. Break-up, schmake-up. If a man meets someone that he really likes, he’s not distancing himself for fear of “getting too attached.” That’s female logic. That is either how you interpreted his words, as many women are wont to do, or that was his way of trying to tell you – without telling you – that you were just a pit stop.

This guy likes you. He just doesn’t want to be serious with you. He fears you were getting too attached. At this point, that is not what he wants. If he did want to be with you in any capacity other than casual, he would be. The fact that he introduced you to his friends and vice versa means nothing. Say it: it means nothing until it means everything.

A man who tells you he wants to keep his options open isn’t just being honest. He’s all but sending out a memo that says, “You’re not the one.” A smart guy who didn’t want to ruin a good thing would know NEVER to say something like that. You have to acknowledge something. This guy chose to enlighten you on how he feels. Most men wouldn’t do that. They’d just go along until it no longer worked for them. This guy didn’t do that. He made it a point to have a difficult conversation with you.

I would write this guy off as a loss. If he comes back around, he comes back around. Right now, he fears you’re going to want more than he’s interested in giving. Once a guy has that concern, there’s little any woman can do to alleviate him of that.

 

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Filed Under: Break Ups, Commitment, Dating, It's Him, Meeting Men, Men & Conflict, Single Women Give Horrible Dating Advice, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How Sexy is Too Sexy for Online Dating Profile Pics?

October 30, 2012 by 6 Comments

Name: Lisa
Website:
Question: Dear Moxie,

My question pertains to profile pictures for women: I know that your general guideline (for women and men alike) is 3-5 photos, including (at least) one clear headshot and one full-body shot.

My question relates to photos in both categories: can you provide some guidance on how sexy is too sexy? A good (male, straight) friend of mine in Los Angeles often asks me to look at the OKC profiles of women he is interested in, and I’m often in awe of *just how sexy* some women are comfortable being. Seeing how commonplace these photos are makes me wonder if I’m too prudish in my own photos. I think every woman would like to appear alluring in her photos, but not necessarily “DTF” or completely narcissistic.

So, Moxie – what is the line between “sexy” and “former stripper?” What do you think of bikini photos and the like? Am I missing out if I don’t have at least one midriff-baring photo in my profile?

–Lisa, 32, Washington, DC

 

The lesson I learned after my “checking the casual sex box” experiment is that it doesn’t take much to get people to sexualize you or make assumptions. Whether you are wearing an over-sized sweat shirt or a bikini, if a man is looking for a woman who is “DTF” (Down To F*ck”) then he is going to approach her and view her in that manner.

Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with being sexy in a photo or two. Breaking news: men like sex. Nobody said a woman can’t use sex to lure a man in. We just say that she needs to follow through or run the risk of coming off like a tease. If sex is used as a lure, understand that men will probably get right to the point and see no need to “play the game.” If anything, it’s a great litmus test. Even without having the casual sex box checked on my profile, I still received messages from men that made comments about my  “hot mouth” or how they have a “curly hair fetish.” They comment on my calves, my legs, etc. I’ve posted the photo I used as my primary profile photo here before. It’s me in a below the knee length black cocktail dress. My hips and breasts are accentuated due to the cut of the dress and my pose. It’s sexy. Because of that photo, guys make assumptions. Not just because of my body, but because of the fact that I posted it in the first place. They assume that I am more direct, so they’re more direct. They’re clowns, of course, and I treat them as such by not replying and blocking them. They tell me I’m beautiful, etc because they’re either cutting to the chase or have no options. The ones that make crude comments, I report. (Sorry, I don’t care what any of you say, there’s a line of what’s appropriate. That I have to explain that to anybody is sad in and of itself. Boo hoo. I reject guys.)

If a guy wants to get laid, he’ll hone in on anything he can and make it sexual to see how the woman reacts. If she responds favorably, she’s just made the cut to the next round of interviews. There’s no point in trying to analyze how sexy is too sexy, as you’ll never be able to totally avoid meeting a man online who will sexualize or judge you.

If you’re looking for an actual “too sexy” barometer, again, that’s subjective. A woman posing in a bikini might just be showing off her body or how fit she is. How men interpret those photos are about them, not her. I think the bigger cause for concern that arises with posting “sexy” photos is that men might assume the woman is just high maintenance/looking for attention and will never being content with compliments from just him. I think anything is fair game as long as you’re willing to own it and that it’s an authentic expression of who you are. Keep the “sexy” pics to a minimum, though. One or two out of five to seven isn’t a big deal.

Your male friend asked you to look over profiles of women he’s considering dating, yes? Well, if he’s interested in these women, what does that tell you? It tells me that the overt sexiness you’re seeing in those photos either doesn’t matter at all to him or doesn’t exist. You said it yourself. You are “in awe” of just how comfortable some women are being sexy. Yet your male friend is attracted to such women. So, is it really that you’re afraid to be seen as “DTF” or are you just threatened by women who express such a sexual confidence and fear they’ll beat you at your own game?

You also have to realize that some of these women your friend found attractive likely post “sexy” photos with the intention of getting attention.They want to get emails from guys telling them how hot they are. These ladies might not have any intention of meeting these guys. Therefore, they don’t care about being judged. The want to be objectified. They shouldn’t be used as a template, if that’s the case.

Since I’ve seen your photos, I’m guessing this is where you want me to tell you that you’re attractive and blah blah and these women are all just slutty slut sluts so don’t worry. I’m not going to do that. I don’t think you’re actually looking for a guideline for what’s appropriate. You want me to tell you those other women are bad and you’re good and they’ll attract nothing but dogs. Sorry, that’s not true. Despite what you hear around the internet, some really good, interesting, decent men like “sluts.” It’s all in the presentation and execution, though.

There real problem here is that you’re uneasy with the fact that men find sex appealing and you fear you might attract the “wrong” guys. Again, allow me to remind you that this is online dating. The “wrong guys” are everywhere. Nobody says you have to go out with them or even sleep with them. If you’re afraid of dating the wrong guys, don’t date at all. Especially online.

Women need to learn to hone, trust and listen to their own instincts. That’s what this all boils down to. Many women want a sure fire way to avoid dating a loser or getting played. There is none. All we have is experience and lessons learned. The women constantly looking for monsters around every corner are ones who lacked inexperience and never learned their lessons.

Someone on topic: I wanted to stick this here so that it would get properly addressed. It’s a comment from a reader:

Is anyone here willing to fess up about paying for a background check? I’m curious as to why, what it cost, and what info they give you. I think Moxie may be right about why for some people, but I also think some of the people who get them might be older? or secret millionaires? And if you get one, and it says absolutely nothing interesting, has the demon been put to rest?

Here’s something I’ll add that I find interesting. In just about all of the stories I have heard from women who tell me of performing a background check or done extensive research on a man, the woman continued to date the man even after finding out “scandalous” things.

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Date Outside Your Means, Dating, Online Dating, Understanding Men, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Men Aren’t Intimidated By You. They Just Don’t Like You.

October 9, 2012 by 146 Comments

Name: Sarah
Age: 37
State: NY
Question: I have been going to singles events for the past year and have found that the men are nice but that most of them are less educated and make less money than I do and that it is an issue for the men.  Any recommendations on affordable ways to meet men between the ages of 35-50 in NYC who have a six or seven figure annual income and who want to have a serious relationship?

 

Is it really an issue for the men..or an issue for you? Because most men couldn’t care less if a woman makes more than them or who has a “better” education. They just don’t like to be with women who lord it over them in some way.

To answer your question, the very harsh reality is that if a man is making seven figures, he’s not looking for a woman who is looking for a man who makes seven figures unless he’s just looking for a trophy. In which case, that was about 10 or 12 years ago, dear. Men who make that kind of bank are probably beating women off with sticks or serially dating with no intention of settling into anything serious. Why should they? They have their money and their freedom. Why would they want to risk losing both just to have one woman? Answer: They wouldn’t.

You could join a high end gym if you’re determined to meet these guys. That’ll cost you, though.  There is no such thing as an “affordable” way to meet men pulling down 7 figures. Those guys aren’t chilling at Jamba Juice or at the local New York Sports Club. They’re at expensive places. Of course,  you’ll have to take a number and wait your turn in order to talk to them, let alone date them. You will have some stiff competition from the hostess at the latest trendy restaurant and girl who works at Sephora or Victoria’s Secret. Yes, that’s right. These guys don’t care about education or money. They care about one thing – that you’re hot. Little else matters.

I doubt these men you’re meeting are bothered that you make a lot of money. My guess is they don’t like your expectations and demeanor because of it. Are you not offering to pay the tab or contribute? Are you frequently trying to plan expensive dates? Do you always need to go out? There’s your answer.

If you’re chatting up some guy at a singles event and talking about where you work and where you went to school and about all your not at all interesting but you think they make you sound cultured/educated hobbies,  you immediately pegged as one of “those” women. The ones who can’t make conversation without asking, “So, what do you do?” In short, you’re deemed uptight, shallow and boring. Hot or not, nobody cares. Men with money are happy to spend that money on women they genuinely like to be around and who show appreciation.

If it’s a relationship you seek, then you’re better off looking at the five and maybe six figure guys. Those guys are every where. Public transportation, Starbucks, they gym, etc. There are plenty of six figure guys who attend wine tastings and speeddating events and singles events.They also join athletic groups and gyms. If you’re looking for the 200K+ a year guy, I think you might be out of luck. Most of those guys aren’t looking for a relationship. The ones who are, I’d bet, aren’t ones you would date. Funny how that works, amirite?

You probably have options. You just don’t like any of them. So I think you need to decide what it is exactly that you want and then ask yourself if you’re being realistic.

 

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Filed Under: Date Outside Your Means, Dating & Finances, Dating & Height, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, Dating Realities, Dating Skills, Meeting Men, Understanding Men, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Pants or Skirt for a 1st Date?

September 21, 2012 by 13 Comments

A few weeks ago I took part in a Tweet Chat about First Date protocol. The topic of what to wear on a first date came up, and most of the women said they exclusively wore dresses or skirts.

There are a number of reasons why I prefer to wear skirts or dresses on a date. Those clothing choices accentuate the parts of my body that I like. But more than that, wearing a dress or skirt makes me appear more feminine. I’ve mentioned before that I have to do whatever I can externally to make sure I compensate for my more masculine energy. That means everything from getting a manicure to wearing perfume and heels. My demeanor is such that, even in writing, I’m often mistaken for a man.

The spelling of my name doesn’t help matters, which is why I initially tell men that my name is “Kristen.” Not “Christan.” At my Dad’s funeral, when I was called up to do a reading, the priest referred to me as “Christian.” The first two front rows of pews corrected him. No matter where I go, people almost always spell my name incorrectly. The problem isn’t so much the fact that I frequently have to correct people. It’s that the name itself conjures up a male image. That’s not the first impression I want to make.

I was reading a blog yesterday that dissected the whole skirts vs. pants idea. The writer insisted that because her dates told her she looked nice when she was wearing her jeans, tank top and cardigan, that automatically meant that she did. Plus, she added, the mere fact that she was a woman should be enough to qualify her as feminine. SIDE NOTE: I don’t know how the woman looked. She could have looked stunning.  I’m trying to educate women about how common it is for men to say things they don’t mean or that they think are expected of them and how, by hearing these things, women can create a false belief. Do I think they guy meant what he said upon seeing his date in jeans? No. No I don’t. If the guy is one who makes an effort to look nice and not like he just rolled off the coach, then he wants to see the same in his date. And that means no jeans. More than that, I think he wants his date to dress like a woman, not a man. She can wear those jeans, but they have to be complimented with things that are uniquely “feminine.”

Which brings me to the bigger topic:

What do men consider “masculine” or “feminine?” On the flip side, I’d like to know what qualities or traits do women consider “masculine” or “feminine.”

 

 

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Filed Under: Date Like a Man, Dating, Dating In a Big City, Dating is Fun, First Date Jitters, First Impressions, Gender Roles, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Why Are Women Expected To Take What They Can Get?

September 18, 2012 by 26 Comments

Name: Dee
Age: 40
State: CA
Question: I’ve been using the services of a male dating coach for a year, and he has helped me to get a relationship, but I’m really starting to doubt the relationship and the coach.

For about nine months I’ve been dating a 53 year old man.  Like me, he has never married.  He works in a call center and has lots of spare time to pursue hobbies, but prefers to watch tv and drink beer after work.  He also spends a lot of time online, as he chats with friends and relatives.

At first, we went on dates within his budget, but after I started cooking for him at my house and having sex, the dates dried up, and he now comes to my house every weekend for home cooked meals and to spend quality time with me, as he puts it.  We don’t spend any time at his place, because he is renting a room in a shared apartment and there is no privacy.

I feel like I can’t go to the gym on the weekends because he’s in my house.  I got him guest passes so he could come with me, but he isn’t interested.  He also won’t eat salads or cooked vegetables, so I prepare things he enjoys, but I’m starting to resent him because it means I work out like crazy during the week so I don’t gain weight.

I have suggested he made a contribution towards the food, and he says he brings the beer (which I don’t drink) and suggests I don’t buy him anything special, he’ll eat what I eat.  But he won’t eat the healthy meals I prepare.  He wants red meat, potatoes, sandwiches and baked goods.  He has stopped complimenting me on my cooking, too.

I have suggested we go out from time to time, and have planned dates to free concerts, walks and other things I think he might enjoy, but he just says he wont go, he is tired from working all week and wants to relax at my house and watch TV.  We tried going to dinner parties with my friends and colleagues, but he absolutely hates them and calls them fake intellectual snobs.

Recently he hasn’t been interested in sex.  He doesn’t react to lingerie, heels or compliment me when I’ve made an effort to look beautiful for him.  He was never very sexual to begin with, and I don’t know whether he is stressed about something.  He doesn’t open up, and refuses to discuss anything of a sexual or personal nature.

He had a double chin and belly, but has gained weight since we met.  I’m not sure if this is related to his medication.  He won’t discuss it with me, even though I’m a pharmacist (but work in research nowadays).

I find myself spending a lot of time in the garden when he watches sports on TV.  I can’t hear the TV in the garden, and tending to the plants helps me to relax when he is around.  I feel tense because there seems to be nothing I can do to please this man.  I feel rejected and unfeminine when he is around.

He has suggested we live together, and keeps saying that there’s no point in him renting a room when I have so much space in my house, but I’m very uneasy.  I enjoy my freedom during the week to socialize with friends, go to museums, concerts, read in silence and work out at the gym.  I dread the lifestyle I would have with this man if I allowed him to live with me full time.

My coach says I’m trying to mold him into the man I want, but this was the same person who encouraged me to continue dating this guy, even when my gut instinct was to turn down the second date.

Reading red pill literature makes me doubt myself.  I have a non-violent, non-player man who consistently visits me, but all I look forward to is Monday morning when he’s gone.

Sometimes I feel like the eat pray love woman because I’m not haaapy, but other times I wonder how I got myself into a sexless one sided relationship and think my life would be happier without him.  I’m also afraid that if I left him, the next man will be much worse.

I would love to know whether you think I’m being unreasonable.   I want a man I can have conversations with, enjoy sex with, and share a few interests outside of the home.  In return I will be a loving, supportive girlfriend.  Is that too much to ask for at my age?

 

No, it’s not too much to ask. You’re not being unreasonable, and anybody who tries to tell you you are should be ignored.

You have to understand something about the red pill wisdom. A lot of what those guys says is said with the intention of making women doubt themselves. It is said to hurt and weaken women to make them easier to get. While there is a lot of helpful advice out there in the “manosphere” and  there is definitely a need for such a resource for men, you have to learn how to filter out the advice from the whining/ranting. The goal of many of those guys is to knock women down a peg and balance things out. That comes from bearing the brunt of all the women out there refusing to be accountable for their issues and using the men as their personal pinatas/court jesters.

For the most part, I think dating coaches are a bunch of scam artists. Most of them are people who have just read books and re-purposed other people’s information and repackaged it as their own. They want fame and money and that’s it. The majority have no business coaching anybody. Especially the ones who Tweet those trite, stupid quotes. “A man who truly cares will love you for who you are.” Grrr.  I can assure you that the majority of them don’t make a dime and live off supplemental income or husbands/parents while self-publishing their awful books and running around their city and Facebook and Twitter telling everybody how successful they are. It’s all hype. There are maybe 3 people that I would ever recommend. The rest are people who see an opportunity to make money off the loneliness/horniness of men and women or are complete famewhores. (Don’t get me started on my ol’ pal Blaire’s $8,000 4 day retreat to take walks on the beach with her to get aligned with the sea so you can find your twin flame. Holy Christ on a salty triscuit. Yeah, she got married last year. She’s already divorced. See what I mean?)

This guy is a loser. Plain and simple. It’s might nice of this guy to suggest that he sponge off of live with you instead of in that tiny room he rents. No, you weren’t trying to “mold him” into anything. You were expecting him to be a fully functioning adult. That is a reasonable expectation.He’s not looking for a partner. He’s looking for a caretaker.

I enjoy my freedom during the week to socialize with friends, go to museums, concerts, read in silence and work out at the gym.

You already have a love of your life. You love your life. There’s no rule that says you *have* to have a partner. If you want one, I’m sure you can find another guy in his late forties to early fifties who isn’t a leech. You are bound by nothing right now. You have no obligation to anybody but yourself. No kids. No husband. No aging parents (I don’t think.) Go enjoy your life. If you want sex, you can find that. You can still get the late-thirties guy for a little casual fun. If it’s longevity you’re looking for, ask yourself why you want that and if it is something you truly want and need. Then go find some forty-something guy and have it.  You can even take a page from the red-pillers and create your own harem of guys to rotate in and out. It’s *your* life. It doesn’t have to follow anyone’s blueprint but yours.

If you’re financially stable and have a cozy social circle and activities that you enjoy, you’re way ahead of many of the single women out there. Don’t sell yourself short because you don’t have a manz.

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Filed Under: Co-Habitation, Commitment, Dating, Dating Advice, Dating Over 40, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Should He Tell His Girlfriend She’s Gained Weight?

September 13, 2012 by 40 Comments

Name: Paul
Age: 36
State: NYC
Question :I admit to being someone who is not attracted to “chunky” women. Since women are sensitive about this, how should a man let his girlfriend know that she’s gained weight? I’ve been with V. for 2 years. When we met she was 31, in great shape, very health conscious, working out multiple times a week. We moved in together at the beginning of this year. In that time she has gone from fastidiously working out to making it to the gym twice a week at best. I’ve met her parents and her Mom is quite overweight and not even 60 yet. Before I take this relationship to the next level I want to be sure that that won’t be her – and my – fate.

 

Well, first you have to find out why she’s gained weight. Is she suffering from any health or medical problems? That should be your first concern. She could have a thyroid issue or PCOS, two conditions known for causing weight gain. If you haven’t noticed her being sluggish or heard her complaining of any kind of pain or health concerns, then it might not be a medical issue. It’s quite possible that she has a certain health issue that she hasn’t told you about. A change in medications can certainly cause a noticeable weight gain. Though, for the record, I don’t necessarily buy that meds are the only problem in those cases. It’s a nice excuse that many people hide behind. Sometimes it solely due to medications. But not always. usually it’s a combination of the medical issue and horrible dieting choices. Having a medical issue is a great excuse people can use to convince themselves that it’s OK to stuff their face with a bag of candy.

Next item to cross off the list is psychological issues. Is she depressed? Has she been stressed?If her demeanor is the same, then there probably aren’t any issues there.

Which leaves the tried and true “I gots my man, I don’t have to try anymore” excuse. She has you now, so maybe she doesn’t feel she has to try anymore. Adorable. Stupid and naive, but adorable.

Letting yourself go is one surefire way to lose your partner. Single men and women have the same concern. It shocks me to see some people my age and how unhealthy they look. Not just unhealthy but unkempt. I was at a party last month with a friend and we were shocked to see women my age and older walking in to the party wearing knee length denim skirts and tank tops and flimsy flip flops. Their saggy boobs jiggled underneath their tops, their hair was unstyled. Then there were the men in their forties who walked around in tight jeans and sleeveless shirts, their thinning hair combed over to one side. What really shocked me was seeing the skin on all these people. Folks, if there is one thing you should pay most attention to after your weight it’s your complexion/skin. It speaks volumes about your lifestyle choices. If you drink a lot, it shows. If you eat poorly, it shows. If you don’t sleep much, it shows.

Guys, if you’re one of those men who likes to crack on chubby or overweight women, especially on the internet, you better pray that you look good enough to do so. Same goes for the women who bitch about men with beer bellies.  Unless you’re hitting the gym regularly and eating well and taking good care of your skin and bones, you need to keep your yaps shut. Also, ladies, stop deluding yourself that you don’t have wrinkles and look ten years younger. Also please cease with the, “I get hit on by younger guys ALL. THE. TIME!” All that means is that they think you’re old and easy. Stop embarrassing yourselves with that. Nothing is more unattractive to me than when a man says, “I’m 45 but look and act/feel younger!” Hate to break it to you, Benjamin Buttons, but we all age. Yes, you have wrinkles. Start embracing your age instead of being ashamed of it.

Time to step it up, ladies and gentleman. Forget about attraction. Your life depends on it. Your body doesn’t stay healthy on its own.

The reality is that we – men and women – need to do whatever we can not to give people reason to pass us over. Overweight and not having success? Lose it. Drink too much? Cut back. Work too much? Fix that.  Don’t be insecure and annoying. Don’t be unpleasant. Don’t put a unsightly tattoo on your face. Don’t add. Subtract.

Okay. Back to the OP. Paul, if your girlfriend’s weight is an issue, one that could prevent you from being attractive to her, you need to address that with her. And, no, not with hints. Hints don’t work. But like I said above, you better be bringing the same amount of concern and dedication to the table if you want that talk to go well. You don’t need to tell your GF that you’re afraid you’ll no longer be attracted to her. You should frame it as though you are concerned for her health. Which you are. I assure you she will go to the ‘you still think I’m pretty, right?” place first, giving you an opportunity to say that you feel she could and has looked better.If that doesn’t light a fire under her butt, nothing will.

You don’t have to feel bad about this, either. Nobody should ever assume that it’s okay to let themselves go at the expense of their partner’s needs. Keeping yourself looking good, besides just being good for your emotional and physical health,  is how men and women demonstrate to their partners that they care and show self-esteem.

Now, if she does nothing to change? Well, my advice is to leave. If she’s not going to at least try to get back in shape, she’s telling you that your needs don’t matter. She’ll give you the excuse that your supposed to love her for who she is, blahblahblah. That’s another sweetened up lie that Mommy’s tell their daughters. No. Men and women want to be with people they want to have sex with. She’s not 60 years old. She’s, what, 33? Please. Barring medical/psychological issues, she should be able to take off 15-20 pounds in just a few months. Whether or not she can depends on how badly she wants to keep the relationship.

Listen, nobody said relationships were easy or held guarantees.

 

 

 

 

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Filed Under: Dating, Dating & Weight, Dating Advice, Dating In a Big City, Dating Over 40, Dating Skills, Entitlement, Sex, What It Means To Be a Single Woman Today Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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