Question: Hello, here’s my question, preceded by a bit of exposition. Back in 2011, after a particular failure dating-wise, several people suggested online dating. Having used match.com and lavalife in the past and not being especially enamored with their services, I was reticent. But people kept saying how good okcupid was, and it was free so I tried it. Nine months and zero dates later, I disabled my account.
Not wanting to succumb to cynicism, I tried joining eharmony; I got one of the infamous “REJECTED” messages.
In April, a facebook friend asked me out; I didn’t think I’d be interested, but I decided to try anyway. In July, she was pressuring me to go into a more romantic direction, and I wasn’t feeling it. Being in a relationship solely because of fear of loneliness isn’t my style, so I broke things off.
So, I reactivated my okc account. 3 months, no dates. I deleted my account.
Since then, I’ve checked some newer sites that connect through facebook, but no one’s really using those.
Basically, my faith in online dating is at a critically low level. Is there anyway to restore it?
Being in a relationship solely because of fear of loneliness isn’t my style, so I broke things off.
Or maybe you broke things off because, and I’m just spit balling here, you thrive off being some sort of real life Debbie Downer (DebbieDownerHorn2)when it comes to dating? Maybe you just prefer to continue on doing things exactly the way you’ve been doing because they result in failure, not in spite of it? Maybe you’re looking to blame anyone and everything else for why you have such trouble because you don’t want to fix the one and only thing over which you have any control?
I mean, come on. You’ve even set up your life in such a way to make dating that much more difficult by working the night shift. Granted, you probably don’t have much control over that and need to work. I understand. It’s like what DMN says: don’t do things that will make dating more difficult. Don’t get a dog. Don’t stop taking care of yourself. Don’t put a tattoo on your face. Subtract. Don’t add. If you work mostly at night, and you include that in your profile, that’s probably a leading cause to the lack of response you’re getting. Oh, something else killing your chances? If you mention your blog devoted to comic books. Yeah, that’s a lady boner killer, too. Dude, it sounds like you kind of thrive off of being undateable to some degree. The problem isn’t the medium you’re using. The problem is that you’re obviously not using the medium to your advantage or want to succeed.
Look at what you’re doing. You’re utilizing methods that have only proven failure to you. You “try” sites that don’t have a lot of people. You keep going back to OKC even though you don’t get any responses. You even left a relationship because you felt like you were settling or compromising or some other such nonsense.You are a prime example of someone who relies upon confirmation bias to shape and validate their perceptions about dating.
Dating is hard. Online dating especially. It takes effort and follow through and self-awareness and tolerance and a thick skin. Anything with such a frequent rejection rate does. But if you really want to make it work for you, you can. You just have to be willing to follow the guidelines, appropriate your expectations and accept your station.
You remind me of the women who email me asking to see photos of people registered for Speeddating events or who ask me if it’s worth their while. What they’re really requesting is that I convince them to attend. Which I don’t do because a) I don’t have to, as we sell out our female spots for every event and b) people like this are a nightmare to date. I employ all kinds of screening tactics and remove people from lists and groups if I feel they are bad daters.
Matt, it’s not my responsibility to convince you why or how online dating works. If you want to believe that it doesn’t work for you, then it never will. I happen to think online dating works. My success with it started when I appropriated my expectations, embraced my audience and stopped caring. I met a guy on OKC when I had the casual sex box checked and he asked me if I saw a future for us. Who knew? Instead of judging him or placing certain expectations on things, I just met him for a drink with an open mind. If you go into every dating endeavor thinking you have it all figured out or believing it won’t work, then expect to fail. This is why so many people struggle the way they do. They brace themselves for the #FAIL, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They have continued down the same path over and over again, choosing the wrong people or engaging in the same behavior and then are shocked – shocked I tell you! – when yet another relationship implodes or never materializes.
If you’re not having success meeting people online or off, then I’m not sure the problem is online dating. I’m thinking it’s you. Either there is something about you physically that is working against you, or you’re not projecting yourself the best way you can or your attitude is holding you back.